How do boys meet girls?

[Amethyst]

My 19 year olds son is intelligent (4.0 in college) and very good looking. He was homeschooled from 1-12th grades. He is a junior in college and will be applying to med schools in a few months.

 

He has never really had a girlfriend. Well, there was one girl who he was interested in and he asked her to play tennis and for bike rides and to a friend's graduation party. But that was 2 years ago, before we moved and he has had no luck meeting a girl since then.

 

I mean, he meets girls. He goes to a college that is about 70% female, so he meets them. But he has not been able to find one that he wants to ask out. Or maybe he's going about it wrong. I don't know since I'm not at the college with him. He goes to events the college puts on (Bingo, Trivia night, comedians, etc.) but so far that hasn't amounted to much. He has some friends that are girls. His closest friend at college is a girl. He might have been interested in her about a year ago, but then she told him that she did not believe in inter-racial dating. Now both of them are white, so it was purely a theroetcially discussion, but to him, he didn't want to be in a relationship with someone so close-minded.

 

Anyway, I just wish I knew how to help him. He is not the most socially polished guy, but he's not socially awkward either. Sometimes he jokes too much, in my opinion and sort of plays to the crowd, kwim, but has a hard time just talking to a person one-on-one. Last Thursday night, he was going to go to Trivia night even though he was starting to get sick, he told me because there was a girl he was interested in talking to going also. But she texted half an hour before the event to say she had too much homework. Ugh. Sounds like the old "washing my hair" excuse to me.

 

So, I feel bad for the guy. I'm not eager for him to get married or anything, but at a certain age, I feel like he's at a disadvantage and that this is a stage he should be past by now.

 

Do all homeschoolers have this problem? I know they don't. Anybody have any advice?

[Tea Time]

Similar experience for my ds and dd, so I can relate.

 

:bigear:

[Nakia]

It seems like he is a smart and outgoing young man who has a very bright future ahead of him. I think he sounds like he is right where he needs to be. He is so young and has plenty of time to meet girls. It will come when the time is right. I sure wouldn't push it or even bring it up to him often.

[Kertie]

Two things: it's not because he was homeschooled, and he's only 19.

 

I know people who did not have a girlfriend until much later than that and there was nothing socially wrong with them--and they're even happily married now;).

[melissel]

It seems like he is a smart and outgoing young man who has a very bright future ahead of him. I think he sounds like he is right where he needs to be. He is so young and has plenty of time to meet girls. It will come when the time is right. I sure wouldn't push it or even bring it up to him often.

 

:iagree: We have a friend who had very few girlfriends or even dates until he was 31. He just didn't see too much point in spending time with girls he didn't see as marriage material. He finally met The One at work, and when he brought her to meet us, we knew she was The One too. They have a 6-month-old now :D

 

He has plenty of time.

[Guest]

Well, I'm going to dissent from the previous opinions. I would be beginning to feel a bit of concern by 19 as you describe it.

 

He might be missing a step in the "I-like-you-perhaps-as-more-than-a-friend" area. I remember there were guys who always gave off the "nicey-nice" impression - everbody's friend, but never giving off a vibe that could lead to more.

 

There are guys who are somewhat average looking, but they have that social sex appeal. There is something they exude that says, "I'm sexy." Then there are guys who are objectively great-looking, but they don't have that. It might be that ds is falling more into category 2.

 

What happened to the girl before you moved away? Did that ever move beyond, "Oh, Bob is such a great friend!" Did they have a falling out or just die out from the move?

 

Is ds talking to you about it, or are you just making these observations?

[learningmama]

He is still young and I would not worry. At least he has friends who are girls and that is good. You just never know if a serious relationship will develop. If he goes to med school, he may meet someone there and most definitely people at work in the future too, etc.

[learningmama]

If he does wait until he's older, than he would probably be good bait for the younger chicks, especially if he is in med school. ;)

[SebastianCat]

When I was in college, there weren't any guys I was interested in either. A few caught my eye, but nothing ever worked out. I didn't have my first boyfriend until right around my college graduation, and only really dated 2 guys for more than a first date before I met my DH.

 

I wouldn't worry about a 19 year old. I personally don't think most 19 year olds really know themselves well enough to get involved in a relationship that could lead to marriage. I'm not there yet as a mom, but I would love it if my kids don't date seriously until they are well into their 20's.

[Tarreymere]

Hmmm..........How about 'The Well-Trained Mind Dating Service'!

 

We parents can match up our children with the children of other board members! We can put the threads on the Sale and Swap boards :D

[dangermom]

Can he start asking girls out on friendly dates? Meet up for coffee? He doesn't have to start a romance before asking a girl for coffee, and it's good practice.

[Mrs Mungo]

I met my dh in the library. We had a class together, but it was one of those really big classes. So, I was in the library and he asked me how to find a book via the electronic card catalog. Then, the next time we had class he brought me a funny card that thanked me for the help and asked if I would like to go out sometime.

 

My dh-to-be knew how to use the library. But, sometimes you have to find a way to break the ice.

 

I had male friends who later (after dh-to-be and I had been dating a while) admitted that they wanted to date me. But, I agree with the other poster that there is sort of a window before they are filed under friend. It isn't impossible to be recatagorized, but it is a lot easier if you don't get categorized that way in the first place.

 

Meeting for coffee, lunch or a study date is easy. But, then the guy sort of has to take that next step, unless the girl is pretty forward (I do NOT mean forward as a bad thing). He has to make it clear that he is interested in pursuing her romantically. Taking her to a romantic movie, bringing her flowers, bringing her a lightly romantic card, these are cues that he is pursuing a romantic relationship, not just a friendship.

 

Now, it could be he just has not found a girl that he wants to pursue like that. But, if he does, he needs to make his intentions more clear before being put in the friend drawer.

 

Also, not to make anything seem weird, but if he has a lot of female friends and no real dates, the girls may think he isn't into girls.

[Tigger]

LOL - once he gets to med school, he'll have girls chasing after him; DH has said once he was a medical student, all of a sudden he was quite popular with the ladies! Just advise your son to be very selective! ;)

[ereks mom]

I wouldn't worry about a 19 year old. I personally don't think most 19 year olds really know themselves well enough to get involved in a relationship that could lead to marriage.

 

:iagree:

[butterflymommy]

Hmmm..........How about 'The Well-Trained Mind Dating Service'!

 

We parents can match up our children with the children of other board members! We can put the threads on the Sale and Swap boards :D

 

:D I have the world's geekiest boy available if anyone's daughter out there would like him!

[Miss Cornelia Snook]

I didn't date much till I was 22 or so, because I didn't meet anyone worth troubling myself over.

 

DH and I were 24 and 25 when we met. He was the same way--never clicked with anyone (who clicked back) until he met me. He wasn't worried, and neither was I.

 

I'm with a PP. I'd be happy if my kids didn't date much till 22 at the very youngest.

[ErinE]

If he wants to meet and get to know girls, as friends and perhaps more, I'd suggest he get involved in a club or activity on campus. My dh and I met at a business student club. We both met and became friends with a variety of people. In fact, he and I were friends for nearly a year before we started dating. Our club had over 100 members, and with time, there were several people who paired off and became couples. The purpose of the club was not a Mrs or to "hook-up," but get a group of ambitious, serious students together with a common interest and there's bound to be some chemistry.

 

Extracurricular involvement has multiple benefits. He gets to learn more about his interests and meet new people. It's a regular commitment so he knows he'll continue to see the same people multiple times and get to know them. I know many on the board aren't wild about relationships for young people, but I do believe he should regularly interact with women and learn to maintain friendships with them. I also don't think all relationships at a young age are bad. I never wanted to marry anyone before I met my husband, but by dating, I learned a lot about myself and what I was looking for in a mate.

 

Encourage him to look up any pre-med or student council groups. He should pick something he is interested in, so he's not going just to meet girls. I'm very dubious about social nights and meeting girls at clubs. Most everyone I know met their spouses through friends, work, or outside interests, not "meet and greets." Completely anecdotal, and I know this experience isn't true for everyone. However, getting involved in other activities gets him focused on something besides "meeting a girl."

[kellycbr]

Easiest way: do activities as a group so there isn't any pressure and your son doesn't come across as too needy. Just get some guys together, invite some girls and go for a hike, or to a music fest, or some activity that they can relax and have fun. It expands his group of friends without anyone feeling like they're a target.

[Leanna Tomlinson]

I have two college dd's and we live about an hour from campus, so I have hosted LOTS of college girl in my home over the past 4 years. They have some of the same problems! They can't seem to find a decent guy who is mature, stable, respectful, and interested in dating. The guys seem to fall into two camps: one set is immature, self-centered, and disinterested; the other group is so set on looking for romance that they come on WAY too strong and want to move WAY too fast. Consequently the girls have their guard up. Here are some of their common complaints.

 

- They can't stand it when a guy tries to move in for a date before he's actually a friend. In this day and age a girl would be foolish to go out with a guy she barely knows, but many push for too much too soon.

 

- They can tell when guys try to show up at places just to see them and pretend that they just "happened" to be there.

 

-They get really creeped out when guys stalk them on FB. (In fact my younger dd has deleted FB due to guys showing up at places based on FB information and knowing information about her that was on FB over a year ago.)

 

- Guys think they are being subtle when they are actually VERY obvious.

 

I'm not saying you son does any of these things. I've also spent hours trying to get my girls and their friends to see things from the guy's point of view. (I have boys - and I know they will probably make mistakes.) I just thought some of this insight might help.

 

Also, the "joking too much" may be more of a big deal than he realizes. My girls and their friends get totally irritated with guys who can't be serious at least some of the time. Too much joking makes the guy seem immature, and many times it goes on so long that the girls feel mocked, made fun of, stupid, or confused. They really don't know how to take some of the male type jokes.

 

My 17yo ds is headed off to college next year. He jokes that he's going to be the nicest guy on campus because he's had training seminars from his sisters and their friends. :tongue_smilie:

[Amethyst]

 

There are guys who are somewhat average looking, but they have that social sex appeal. There is something they exude that says, "I'm sexy." Then there are guys who are objectively great-looking, but they don't have that. It might be that ds is falling more into category 2.

 

I definitely don't think he is giving off the "I'm sexy" vibe. Although we've made real efforts in the last couple of years to make sure he has up-to-date hairstyle and clothes. But I think you're right tht he doesn't give off that vibe. I'm afraid he's more of a jokester and then it's tough to transition to a more personal role.

 

What happened to the girl before you moved away? Did that ever move beyond, "Oh, Bob is such a great friend!" Did they have a falling out or just die out from the move?

 

Just died out. It had never been relationship status change worthy on Facebook. So, it just died out. Once, we went back to visit and she was supposed to be there but then backed out at the last minute.

 

Is ds talking to you about it, or are you just making these observations?

 

 

He talks to us some. Dh is a real talker and believes in addressing all issues. So dh has talked to him and advised him more than me. But he does mention things to me too (like last week when that girl backed out of trivia)

[DawnM]

Well, I can tell you that my Dh went to PUBLIC school and only really ever had one girlfriend before he met me. We married when he was 28 too.

 

He was good looking if I do say so myself, a pro-golfer, and still he was a bit socially awkward, although he is very easy going and friendly, just not a social butterfly. He also had a boat load of girls as friends.

 

BTW: I LOVE that your ds didn't date that girl on principal alone. I remember a guy friend of mine saying he would never marry someone of a certain race and I was quite turned off. One thing that attracted me to my DH is that he had so many different friends of different nationalities and cultures and would have dated any race. I have told my boys that I care deeply that the women they date/marry have substance and quality and love for them and the color on the outside doesn't matter at all.

 

Dawn

Edited February 8, 2012 by DawnM

[imagine.more]

Sounds like he likely just needs some more time. I didn't date anyone until I was 18 and even then had just two very short (one month) relationships and then started dating my DH when I was 19. We got married 3 years later, the first of our close friends to get married or have kids, so it all worked out.

 

One thing to consider though, if he's pre-med and very intelligent, could he be too busy for girls? Not actually too busy, but is he giving off that vibe? My SIL is 22, has never once dated anyone, and is a very pretty, smart, fun girl. But she has so many hobbies and responsibilities (gymnastics, 4.0 GPA, church, ivy league secret society thing, running, rock-climbing, etc) that she definitely intimidates guys and gives them the vibe that she has no time for a relationship though she wants one. Her mom encourages this by saying there's nothing wrong with her and the guys are just dumb and need to see her for who she is. That may be true, but honestly I wouldn't have dated a guy who was as busy as she is because I'd assume he had no room for me in his life, kwim? So obviously academics are a priority and certain other things but if your son has too many hobbies and groups he's a part of maybe encourage him to drop some for next year and see if having more free time opens him up to those spontaneous get-togethers with friends and just really spending time on whatever girl he becomes interested in. That may not be the case for him, but I figured I'd throw it out there to consider.

[Guest]

He talks to us some. Dh is a real talker and believes in addressing all issues. So dh has talked to him and advised him more than me. But he does mention things to me too (like last week when that girl backed out of trivia)

 

Well, it does sound like the disconnect is that he's not succeeding in moving beyond friends. I agree with Mrs. Mungo. Once you get categorized that way it's hard to move beyond it. Also true that people will start to speculate that he's not into girls.

 

I dated a guy once who was very good-looking, but was just too goofy. He just did not have a smooth charisma. He also had a brother that was amazingly handsome, looked like a GQ model, but he was socially retarded! I even remember thinking, "Why can't I get into AJ? He should be a good catch. He sounds good on paper, but he's too goofy in reality." Girls like a guy with an open, easy confidence, someone who shows enough restraint that they don't look desperate, but enough interest that they get the message.

 

I think it's a good idea to join something that is purely of interest to him, which will put him in the way of meeting girls with similar interests. But I do think he needs to come to a point of hinting at the next level, the way Mrs. Mungo's dh did.

 

I also wonder if he's thinking they have to agree on every point. (Just wondering that from the comment about the close-minded friend who didn't want to date inter-racially.) Dh and I just had a fiery (and totally enjoyable) debate about a political issue that we see differently. We share most of our important values, but we're not a perfect copy on every issue. I just wonder if your ds is ruling people out too easily, so nothing really has a chance to develop.

[mcconnellboys]

I am in the same boat with my older son. He did go back to a private school in tenth through twelfth grades, and is at a nearby college now where he has lots of friends and acquaintances. He liked a couple of girls (actually at the same time) before he went back to school and they liked him. Once back in school, I think he only ever liked girls who simply would not give him the time of day. Lots of other girls liked him; but he wasn't interested. It seems to be the same now. I'm sort of beginning to scratch my head....

[frugalmama]

If he's in college - have him join a frat. There are good frats out there, and even co-ed ones. They are a great place to meet girls.

 

I'd highly recommend him joining Alpha Phi Omega if possible - it's a co-ed service frat, which will both introduce him to girls in a no pressure setting AND look good on his medical school application.

 

And fwiw, I'm 27, and have only had 1 boyfriend and that was in high school. It is hard, and gets harder the older you get.

[JessReplanted]

It seems like he is a smart and outgoing young man who has a very bright future ahead of him. I think he sounds like he is right where he needs to be. He is so young and has plenty of time to meet girls. It will come when the time is right. I sure wouldn't push it or even bring it up to him often.

 

:iagree:

[KidsHappen]

I am currently reading a book called Unnatural Selection. Its premise is that the birth statistics started being serious skewed in favor of having male children in about 1980 which is leading to disasterous results for young men looking for marriageable women. This is especially trun now that more of the population is getting higher education degrees. Women like employers literally have their pick of men meaning men have to bring even more to the table. I haven't finished the book yet but I admit that if true the implications are alarming not just for young men but for society as a whole. I personally think that there is someone for everyone and it is simply a matter of finding your someone. I think chemistry is critically important. My hubby and I have been married for 21+ years. We have been through a lot of ups and downs and yet their is still a powerful chemical pull between us that IMO helps keep us together.

[TranquilMind]

My 19 year olds son is intelligent (4.0 in college) and very good looking. He was homeschooled from 1-12th grades. He is a junior in college and will be applying to med schools in a few months.

 

He has never really had a girlfriend. Well, there was one girl who he was interested in and he asked her to play tennis and for bike rides and to a friend's graduation party. But that was 2 years ago, before we moved and he has had no luck meeting a girl since then.

 

I mean, he meets girls. He goes to a college that is about 70% female, so he meets them. But he has not been able to find one that he wants to ask out. Or maybe he's going about it wrong. I don't know since I'm not at the college with him. He goes to events the college puts on (Bingo, Trivia night, comedians, etc.) but so far that hasn't amounted to much. He has some friends that are girls. His closest friend at college is a girl. He might have been interested in her about a year ago, but then she told him that she did not believe in inter-racial dating. Now both of them are white, so it was purely a theroetcially discussion, but to him, he didn't want to be in a relationship with someone so close-minded.

 

Anyway, I just wish I knew how to help him. He is not the most socially polished guy, but he's not socially awkward either. Sometimes he jokes too much, in my opinion and sort of plays to the crowd, kwim, but has a hard time just talking to a person one-on-one. Last Thursday night, he was going to go to Trivia night even though he was starting to get sick, he told me because there was a girl he was interested in talking to going also. But she texted half an hour before the event to say she had too much homework. Ugh. Sounds like the old "washing my hair" excuse to me.

 

So, I feel bad for the guy. I'm not eager for him to get married or anything, but at a certain age, I feel like he's at a disadvantage and that this is a stage he should be past by now.

 

Do all homeschoolers have this problem? I know they don't. Anybody have any advice?

This is not a homeschooler thing. This is a personality (and sometimes a "way you were raised") thing. No one in the universe was more "socialized" than my husband. He went to schools all the way through, and went to a boarding high school with 100's of other boys, all socialization, all the time.

 

He did very well, like your son, but really didn't talk much, then or even when I met him. I had to go up and talk to him every time, and he'd greet me and walk away quickly. It became intriguing to me why this guy wouldn't talk to me, as he didn't seem to dislike me or anything. He had just never learned. His parents only speak to people they know; they just aren't outgoing.

 

He does fine now and we've been married 23 years.

 

It will all be fine! That right girl will come along when it is the right time and she will bring out the best in him.

[Amethyst]

If he does wait until he's older, than he would probably be good bait for the younger chicks, especially if he is in med school. ;)

 

Yup. My dh found me when he was in med school!

[Amethyst]

Hmmm..........How about 'The Well-Trained Mind Dating Service'!

 

We parents can match up our children with the children of other board members! We can put the threads on the Sale and Swap boards :D

 

Yeah! It's funny how many times in the past few years that I"ve thought about the wisdom of parents doing the choosing!

[TranquilMind]

:D I have the world's geekiest boy available if anyone's daughter out there would like him!

Is he tall? My daughter is 5'8"?

 

;)

[Starr]

From what the college students we know say, there isn't "dating" in college. It's either serious or hooking up. I wouldn't worry about it. He's young, has friends and the rest will come in time. Is he worried?

[Amethyst]

Can he start asking girls out on friendly dates? Meet up for coffee? He doesn't have to start a romance before asking a girl for coffee, and it's good practice.

 

Lol. We've been telling him the coffee thing too. He just did thisrecently right after class,but the girl hadanother class togo to. Now he needs to learn to follow up.

[Renthead Mommy]

Is he friends with guys? Do they have girlfriends? Because then he's got better odds of meeting the girlfriend's friends, which then may put them in easier road to hey we should all go out together.

 

If most of his friends are girls, and guys can be great 'girlfriends', he may have missed the boat for dating the current friends. It gets weird sometimes to try and start dating them.

 

However if he's never said anything to the current girls he is friends with about wanting to date anyone, there is a good chance they think he's gay.

 

Has he talked to the 'friends that are girls' about wishing to find someone to date? About them having friends that are available? It would also let them know that he is open to dating and also not gay.

[Gingerbread Mama]

Three things:

 

1. You mentioned that he might just not be finding ones he wants to date. If so, good for him. I see no point in dating for the sake of dating. Dating is FUN when it's with someone you want to date and it's a BORE when it's with someone just so you won't be dateless (said from a few experiences when I would question why I was dating so much less than my friends.)

 

2. Someone else mentioned that he might not feel the girls were "date worthy", but they used other words. I can relate to that. From the time I was allowed to date (16) I didn't even accept dates with guys that I couldn't picture myself marrying and having kids with. My standard "test" was, "Would you want this guy to father your children?" If I didn't get a "YES!" or at least a "Maybe" gut feeling I passed. Bear in mind, I wasn't planning on having those children for years LOL, but for me it was a kind of barometer.

 

3. My husband dated a lot (in your mind, bold that, italicize it, underline it, and then HIGHLIGHT it....when I say a lot I mean A LOT) more than I did before we married. I have never felt jealous of his experience in the dating zone. Some people just don't enjoy dating, I'm one of them. I enjoyed the relationships I had, I just didn't want to date to get them, if that makes sense. Dating was fun in a relationship, but dating around to find one was uncomfortable for me.

 

Oh, make that 4 things LOL I was also going to say that he has girls who are friends. Eventually, their relationship may change on its own. DH and I were best friends for 2 years before we dated. He swears that he was only my best friend to be in a position to date me, but (for my part) I went 2 years thinking of him as a buddy/big brother and then, one day, it was like "Oh, he's a GUY...and I LIKE him" :D

[kalanamak]

I am paraphrasing a woman who married later in life, but it was advice I liked:

 

"I grew up thinking the right man would come along like a chocolate bar when I was 21. When he didn't, I worked years to become the kind of woman who would attract the kind of man I wanted to marry. The man I married wouldn't have looked at me when I was 21, and if he had, I wouldn't have known what to do with him."

 

If he can enjoy the company of women, bully for him. Perhaps he could *ask* some of his women friends about it. And perhaps he should look for an older woman. (I mean 21 or 22.)

[Kareni]

Hmmm..........How about 'The Well-Trained Mind Dating Service'!

 

We parents can match up our children with the children of other board members! We can put the threads on the Sale and Swap boards :D

 

We're on the same wavelength .... And to quote from an older thread --

 

... I note that Kareni has been suggesting the WTM matchmaking service since '08. Perhaps the motto could be a variation of Austen's famous opening line:

 

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single person in possession of a Well Trained Mind, must be in want of a similarly Well Educated companion.

Have I told you about my charming son...

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Amethyst]

I have two college dd's and we live about an hour from campus, so I have hosted LOTS of college girl in my home over the past 4 years. They have some of the same problems! They can't seem to find a decent guy who is mature, stable, respectful, and interested in dating. The guys seem to fall into two camps: one set is immature, self-centered, and disinterested; the other group is so set on looking for romance that they come on WAY too strong and want to move WAY too fast. Consequently the girls have their guard up. Here are some of their common complaints.

 

- They can't stand it when a guy tries to move in for a date before he's actually a friend. In this day and age a girl would be foolish to go out with a guy she barely knows, but many push for too much too soon.

 

- They can tell when guys try to show up at places just to see them and pretend that they just "happened" to be there.

 

-They get really creeped out when guys stalk them on FB. (In fact my younger dd has deleted FB due to guys showing up at places based on FB information and knowing information about her that was on FB over a year ago.)

 

- Guys think they are being subtle when they are actually VERY obvious.

 

I'm not saying you son does any of these things. I've also spent hours trying to get my girls and their friends to see things from the guy's point of view. (I have boys - and I know they will probably make mistakes.) I just thought some of this insight might help.

 

Also, the "joking too much" may be more of a big deal than he realizes. My girls and their friends get totally irritated with guys who can't be serious at least some of the time. Too much joking makes the guy seem immature, and many times it goes on so long that the girls feel mocked, made fun of, stupid, or confused. They really don't know how to take some of the male type jokes.

 

My 17yo ds is headed off to college next year. He jokes that he's going to be the nicest guy on campus because he's had training seminars from his sisters and their friends. :tongue_smilie:

 

Somehow I missed this post earlier. This is very helpful, Leanna! Thanks for the insights. I think I'm going to make a point of having a discussion with my son in the next day or two and some of these observations will be helpful!

[Amethyst]

 

 

 

I also wonder if he's thinking they have to agree on every point. (Just wondering that from the comment about the close-minded friend who didn't want to date inter-racially.) Dh and I just had a fiery (and totally enjoyable) debate about a political issue that we see differently. We share most of our important values, but we're not a perfect copy on every issue. I just wonder if your ds is ruling people out too easily, so nothing really has a chance to develop.

 

Totally agreeing here. On one hand, my first reaction was to be very proud of him. But in the next breath, I thought (butdidn't say), y'know, maybe this would be a good topic for discussion. Discussion is good. My dh and I had many things we did not agree on when we met. Some pretty big. But through communication, we grew closer and one of us came to the other side (or not). So, yes, I think my son has a tendency to think a person needs to be perfect. My dh used to be the same way about me! I specifically remember telling my dh years before we were married that he was not going to find a perfect person and he was shocked at how low my expectations were!

[mom2denj]

It seems like he is a smart and outgoing young man who has a very bright future ahead of him. I think he sounds like he is right where he needs to be. He is so young and has plenty of time to meet girls. It will come when the time is right. I sure wouldn't push it or even bring it up to him often.

 

:iagree:

[Jenny in Florida]

One thing to consider though, if he's pre-med and very intelligent, could he be too busy for girls?

 

Or, you know, just too smart to have much in common with most people?

 

This is a challenge my daughter is having. She's 17 and has never been on a date. She's social and friendly out in the world, but the truth is that she just doesn't connect with a lot of people. She finds herself frequently having to tone down her vocabulary or hold back on expressing ideas, because other people just don't get it.

 

Consequently, she finds it kind of tiring to spend time with people.

 

She has a few close friends, and more than a few people have expressed interest in asking her out. But she has yet to find the right combination of someone who is interested in her that she also likes.

[Amy in NH]

It seems like he is a smart and outgoing young man who has a very bright future ahead of him. I think he sounds like he is right where he needs to be. He is so young and has plenty of time to meet girls. It will come when the time is right. I sure wouldn't push it or even bring it up to him often.

 

:iagree:

[Amethyst]

I met my dh in the library. We had a class together, but it was one of those really big classes. So, I was in the library and he asked me how to find a book via the electronic card catalog. Then, the next time we had class he brought me a funny card that thanked me for the help and asked if I would like to go out sometime.

 

My dh-to-be knew how to use the library. But, sometimes you have to find a way to break the ice.

 

I had male friends who later (after dh-to-be and I had been dating a while) admitted that they wanted to date me. But, I agree with the other poster that there is sort of a window before they are filed under friend. It isn't impossible to be recatagorized, but it is a lot easier if you don't get categorized that way in the first place.

 

Meeting for coffee, lunch or a study date is easy. But, then the guy sort of has to take that next step, unless the girl is pretty forward (I do NOT mean forward as a bad thing). He has to make it clear that he is interested in pursuing her romantically. Taking her to a romantic movie, bringing her flowers, bringing her a lightly romantic card, these are cues that he is pursuing a romantic relationship, not just a friendship.

 

Now, it could be he just has not found a girl that he wants to pursue like that. But, if he does, he needs to make his intentions more clear before being put in the friend drawer.

 

Also, not to make anything seem weird, but if he has a lot of female friends and no real dates, the girls may think he isn't into girls.

 

This is interesting that you mention the library. My son spent three entire months of the summer in the college library every single day. He was preparing to take the MCAT and that is how he spent his summer. My dh would drop him off before he went to work in the morning and pick him up after work.

 

One day early in the summer, my dh noticed that they got some new summer help at the checkout desk of the library. There were not one, but two, very attractive, sweet-looking girls. My dh said something to my son, like hey did you notice those girls, maybe you can try talking to them,etc. But ds spent the entire summer (at a table just a few feet from the front desK) and never said more than Hi to them. Erg.

[Amethyst]

I am currently reading a book called Unnatural Selection. Its premise is that the birth statistics started being serious skewed in favor of having male children in about 1980 which is leading to disasterous results for young men looking for marriageable women. This is especially trun now that more of the population is getting higher education degrees. Women like employers literally have their pick of men meaning men have to bring even more to the table. I haven't finished the book yet but I admit that if true the implications are alarming not just for young men but for society as a whole. I personally think that there is someone for everyone and it is simply a matter of finding your someone. I think chemistry is critically important. My hubby and I have been married for 21+ years. We have been through a lot of ups and downs and yet their is still a powerful chemical pull between us that IMO helps keep us together.

 

Interesting premise, but I read an article a few months ago about how there are more women than men at colleges now and it is the women who are having a hard time getting the guy. Plus, he is at a college that was once a woman's college and still is about 70% female.

[Amethyst]

From what the college students we know say, there isn't "dating" in college. It's either serious or hooking up. I wouldn't worry about it. He's young, has friends and the rest will come in time. Is he worried?

 

Interesting. Friends. Hmmm. He hasn't really had much luck with these either at college. Oh he knows people, he talks to people. But really there seems to be one girl that he talks with a lot (the anti-interracial dating girl) and maybe one other girl. But generally he doesn't have guy friends at college. Just the other day, he was telling me about the other Bio majors at school. They all sit at the same table in the library. He doesn't feel excluded, he said. He could sit there if he wanted to. But he also knows he wouldn't get as much studying done. He knows that this group of kids probably go places together, but since he doesn't sit at the table he isn't invited. So, I'm torn. Mostly I think he has his priorities straight, but at the same time, I worry that he is missing out on things because he feels he has to be so academic.

 

Is he worried? I don't know if worried is the right word, but frustrated, I'd say yes.

Edited February 9, 2012 by Amethyst

[missmoe]

My dh had never had a girlfriend before he met me at the age of 19. We've been happily married for 20 years. So there is still hope! :D

 

Seriously, my oldest is 18 and has never had a girlfriend. He's gone on a few dates here and there, but really never made a connection that he felt was worthwhile to pursue. He has been pursued. He's told me that he doesn't see the point right now because he's not ready to get married and other goals. That's okay. One day the time will be right and he will find someone. Until then, I feel that he's doing okay.

[Amethyst]

Is he friends with guys? Do they have girlfriends? Because then he's got better odds of meeting the girlfriend's friends, which then may put them in easier road to hey we should all go out together.

 

If most of his friends are girls, and guys can be great 'girlfriends', he may have missed the boat for dating the current friends. It gets weird sometimes to try and start dating them.

 

However if he's never said anything to the current girls he is friends with about wanting to date anyone, there is a good chance they think he's gay.

 

Has he talked to the 'friends that are girls' about wishing to find someone to date? About them having friends that are available? It would also let them know that he is open to dating and also not gay.

 

Okay, these are great questions.No. He does not have any guy friends (see previous post). My dh and I have talked about the fact that it is much easier going somewhere when you have a guy buddy. That is why occasionally we have ds go places with his 17 year old brother. (They look the same age and ds17 comes across as more mature than ds 19 sometimes.) But this doesn't help much at college, just the occasional weekend thing. I wish he did have a few guy friends. Even just one would be good.

 

I like the idea of him mentioning to his female friends that he is interested in meeting someone. I'll suggest that to him.

[elfgivas]

i love the advice to work on becoming the kind of person someone you would like to marry would find attractive.

 

for many folks, learning how to make a connection with someone is just that - a learning. the art of making small talk, of observing and making a comment, of having a "tic-tac-toe" conversation with a stranger (i speak, they reply, i answer.... and its done), is not easy.

 

for our older dds, one was a natural, one had to learn..... and then practice. i was thinking about this with the two girls at the library. if he sets himself a goal of speaking to folks he encounters, like check out clerks in grocery stores, making a comment about the weather (really), about how nice a particular color looks on them, about how kind they were to the person ahead of them who had trouble finding their coupons, then that helps. for our dd, we had her pick one thing, and then say it to every checkout clerk she encountered, varying how she said it until she got a reaction that was positive. she discovered that compliments on job performance were easier for her than more random things, but she went Every Day to a grocery store and bought only a few things until it was more natural for her to just comment on something. and so it went.

 

there are good books out there, too. for example,

If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?: Ten Strategies That Will Change Your Love Life Forever [Paperback]

 

Susan Page (Author)

 

on amazon, there are 15,000 more.... a clue that this is a common thing.

 

one of the things that one of us said in a "throw away" moment that apparently was very helpful. "do you think someone knows who you are when they first meet you?" and very quickly she said "no, i'm shy. it probably take someone a few weeks to have any idea who i am". to which one of us replied, "then maybe you should give guys who ask you out a chance for you to get to know who they really are, too".

 

fwiw,

ann

[walkermamaof4]

I'm in the minority I think, but my take on dating is that I would prefer my kids not date until they are ready to marry. So I'd love for them to have friends and work on being the best person and friend they can be. But I'd encourage them not be on the look out until they really want to marry. I am sorry for the relationships I had before that. I wish I had only had 1, with the man I married, and no other serious ones. I know, I know; this is not the norm. But I think they have so much to focus on in college and can have a great time with people without worrying about relationships so much until they are really ready. Relationships take so much time. They can be so messy. Why mess with it until you really want to pursue marriage? Just another viewpoint...but thought it could be a helpful perspective.

[Amethyst]

Or, you know, just too smart to have much in common with most people?

 

This is a challenge my daughter is having. She's 17 and has never been on a date. She's social and friendly out in the world, but the truth is that she just doesn't connect with a lot of people. She finds herself frequently having to tone down her vocabulary or hold back on expressing ideas, because other people just don't get it.

 

Consequently, she finds it kind of tiring to spend time with people.

 

She has a few close friends, and more than a few people have expressed interest in asking her out. But she has yet to find the right combination of someone who is interested in her that she also likes.

 

Yes!!!! He definitely suffered from this when he was high school age. I hope that he doesn't come across as arrogant about it, but I'm not sure. I don't see him interacting with peers the way I did when he was homeschooling. I hope that he's maturing but I can't say for sure.