What does it mean to be a warm mother?

[Amethyst]

My dh and I were "discussing" my mother this morning. For the one millionth time since I've known him, he declared her a cold mother. I never felt this way. I always felt loved and cared for and that she was proud of me.

 

But it got me to thinking, what is "warm"? Is it being very emotional and sharing your thoughts and emotions with your child? Is it noticing nice things about the child and commenting on it? Is it watching their struggles and giving comfort? Is it surprising them with presents or outings?

 

How would you describe a "warm" mother?

[coffeegal]

A warm mother to me is one who gives lots of hugs, makes cookies, laughs a lot, and is more casual. A cold mother doesn't give hugs often and is more formal. That being said, one of my grandmothers was warmer than the other. I felt loved by both women; they just expressed it differently.

[KrissiK]

I think a cold mother isn't there for her children, emotionally speaking. She's cold. Indifferent. Well, maybe not indifferent, but not really in tune with the needs of her children. Doesn't smile a lot. Doesn't have an open lap or open arms. Isn't expressive about love. Although, I think this probably also extends to other relationships as well. I can't imagine someone being warm to their spouse and friends and not to their children;

[Julie in CA]

I think of a warm mother as someone who:

Smiles when they catch their dc's eye

Is clearly glad to see their dc when they arrive, and sorry to see them go

Looks for opportunities to comfort them, both verbally and physically

Makes themselves clearly available for conversations of an emotional nature

Is interested in their dc's concerns

[Momof3littles]

MIL is not warm. She is a very nice person, but doesn't present as "warm" and anyone who meets her would agree. DH would as well. We love her dearly, and she's truly a nice person.

 

She has a bit of a flat affect. She doesn't really smile or show a ton of emotion no matter what (good or bad).

She doesn't have a very strong sense of humor. She's loosened up in recent years though.

WHen DH was growing up neither parent really said "I love you" or hugged him. He doesn't feel they were abusive or neglectful. They treated him well overall, but that's their personality, and the personalities of his grandparents on both sides were about the same (so both his mom and dad were raised in that type of environment). THey now do say "love you" and such to him, but only because I think it became part of our greater family culture (DH would say it to his parents and they finally started initiating).

Emotion and unhappiness by others wasn't really tolerated.

 

MIL is a good person, but definitely not someone you would say is warm. It took me years to really "get" her because my family is very affectionate, silly, etc. It was hard for me to believe she liked me because my parents would show that they liked a boyfriend of mine very openly. She is very reserved. However, we have plenty of dysfunction on my side even though my mom and immediate family are "warm." The dysfunction on each side is just different :lol:

 

eta: FIL is also not warm whereas my dad is a very warm person who loves to hug and stuff. He's the total opposite of FIL really. FIL and MIL are not at all (at all!) affectionate with one another. I don't think I've ever seen them give each other a hug or a peck on the cheek in 15 years of knowing them.

Edited February 2, 2012 by Momof3littles

[Danestress]

(1) I think warmth has little to do with being outgoing vs. retiring. I think it has to do with showing pleasure in the child's presence. Mothers who smile at their children, laugh at their jokes, validate their feelings, seem "warm" to me. Mothers who are crabby, tired, and clearly burdened by their children seem less warm to me.

 

(2) No one gets to pronounce your mother cold or in any other negative light. Your husband needs to wise up, lol. I can think whatever I like about DH's Mom, but I personally think that even within a close and comfortable marriage, it's better to leave the griping about or criticizing of a Mom as the exclusive territory of her actual child. Loyalty to one's mother can run unexpectedly deep.

[stripe]

It's acting like you care and that your kids enhance your life. Not that your kids are a waste of time or a drain on you.

[Janie Grace]

 

(2) No one gets to pronounce your mother cold or in any other negative light. Your husband needs to wise up, lol. I can think whatever I like about DH's Mom, but I personally think that even within a close and comfortable marriage, it's better to leave the griping about or criticizing of a Mom as the exclusive territory of her actual child. Loyalty to one's mother can run unexpectedly deep.

 

:iagree:

 

To me, a warm mother is someone who snuggles, who encourages, who jokes and laughs and ENJOYS being a mom.

 

Wow, this thread is a bit discouraging. I hope my kids don't pick up on my tiredness or distraction so much that they think I'm not "warm." Hmmm, it's a good kick in the butt to be more intentionally affectionate and engaged. Thanks!

[Abigail4476]

A warm mother to me is one who gives lots of hugs, makes cookies, laughs a lot, and is more casual. A cold mother doesn't give hugs often and is more formal. That being said, one of my grandmothers was warmer than the other. I felt loved by both women; they just expressed it differently.

 

:thumbup1:

 

If the OP has a good relationship with her mother and is happy with the way she was parented, I see no room to allow anyone--even her dh--to offer unnecessary criticism.

[Maus]

I know a set of parents who don't really hear their young children if there are any other adults in the room. They hug them, kiss them, etc., whatever, but if the children speak to them, they get a, "Umm. Okay. Tell me about it later." I would describe them as less warm parents. (They've missed some gems, when the kids were obviously listening in on the adult conversation and made their own comments on it. DH and I have laughed at some of the things the kids said, and their own parents didn't even hear them.)

[NanceXToo]

Affectionate. Quick with a laugh, a touch, a hug, a smile, friendly, companionable, displays of affection, easy to talk to, generous with the cuddles and snuggles, has a twinkle in her eye.

 

Not formal or reserved or hard to talk to, doesn't hold back affection or touches etc.

[Alphabetika]

I wonder if it means different things to different people. For instance, I would say that my mother was warm, though she wasn't very physically affectionate, because I always knew, through her demeanor and attitude, that she loved me, was patient with me, accepted me for who I was.

 

My dh, on the other hand, would have liked to have much more physical affection from his mom, as well as more counsel (from both parents) on matters of living and adulthoold. Basically, more hands-on.

[ma23peas]

Warm mother:

Genuinely cares if her children are deeply happy and rejoices with them in it....genuinely hurts with her children when they are sad and helps them through it...celebrates life openly and embraces bear hugs...Caroline Ingalls

 

Cold mother:

More focused on how life affects her than concerned about how others are getting along...everyone fend for themselves kind of attitude...if you hugged her it would be very awkward...she can show kind gestures but usually only if asked, not one to offer up magnanimous gestures...more likely to stick to herself or her husband...saying "I love you" is a rare thing and also uncomfortable. Mrs. Olson (Nellie's mom)

[Samiam]

Hmm, I don't think that a cold mother is necessarily one who doesn't have time for their children, or thinks her children are a bother.

 

I think of a warm mother, one that is always hugging, always loving on, alway doing that "extra something" to show her love. One of tears up and cries at every little thing, you know, cries at graduations, moving to college, getting married, first baby, etc etc. Always verbalizing the love, the support, the proudness.

 

Cold mothers are there, and the children know they are loved, but they don't necessarily show it all the time. They might make a favorite food because the child likes it, but they don't necessarily say "I made this for YOU!" They hug when it's considered appropriate, ie leaving, but not any other time normally. They certainly don't cry during expected life events. Love is not necesarily verbalized unless it's one of those "expected" occasions.

 

One example comes to mind....a warm parent sends their broke college student a box of goodies, some home-cooked food, and a some cash to help them out, without asking just because. A cold parent would send cash, without hesitation, IF asked.

 

So I don't think that being a "cold parent" is necessarily a horrible thing, meaning it doesn't mean the child isn't shown love ever, or had a horrible childhood. I guess there are varying degreess of coldness....sounds like OP's mother is perhaps luke-warm, versus cold.

 

A warm parent, if given the choice, is in the hospital room, or at least the hospital itself, when the grandbabies are born (if possible due to location). A cold parent would visit in a few weeks after the baby is born.

[nono]

I know a set of parents who don't really hear their young children if there are any other adults in the room. They hug them, kiss them, etc., whatever, but if the children speak to them, they get a, "Umm. Okay. Tell me about it later." I would describe them as less warm parents. (They've missed some gems, when the kids were obviously listening in on the adult conversation and made their own comments on it. DH and I have laughed at some of the things the kids said, and their own parents didn't even hear them.)

 

Oh that's me to a T. Yeah, when we're having adult company, I am clear to my children that I will be more focused on the adults and their conversation than theirs. But no one gets to hear that conversation ahead of time, or the talks about the parties afterwards by all 4 of us. I would agree that someone only seeing me in those times would consider me "cold." :) I think overall, I average out to "lukewarm." ;)

[Night Elf]

Oh, such great answers so far!!

 

The first thing that popped into my head is a 'warm' parent is one who listens to, acknowledges and participates in a child's joys and fears. My mom was definitely not a warm and fuzzy parent. I have strived to be warm and fuzzy.

[Audrey]

My dh and I were "discussing" my mother this morning. For the one millionth time since I've known him, he declared her a cold mother. I never felt this way. I always felt loved and cared for and that she was proud of me.

 

But it got me to thinking, what is "warm"? Is it being very emotional and sharing your thoughts and emotions with your child? Is it noticing nice things about the child and commenting on it? Is it watching their struggles and giving comfort? Is it surprising them with presents or outings?

 

How would you describe a "warm" mother?

 

 

I think you're going to get varying definitions. You should ask your dh what he thinks is a "warm" mother. Also, remember that he only knows her from his own perspective. You were raised by her and probably have a fuller understanding of her as a mother and as a person.

 

For me, personally, a warm mother is one who is always there for you, to whom you know you can turn, and with whom you feel secure and loved. It doesn't have to do with how many hugs she gives. I've known people who can hug one moment and rage the next. So, I don't count that. My love language is acts of service. I'm pretty basic on those, too. I felt my mother was warm when she toting me around to piano and voice lessons and sat smiling at every single recital no matter how awful I may have been or any of the other kids were. She was warm when she sat quietly next to me and let me sob out whatever I needed to get out. Unfailingly, until the day she died, she was always the safe place to fall. In my mind, I'm not really sure how she could have been any warmer.

[Mimm]

I never really thought about it, but I suppose my mother qualifies some of these descriptions of cold. She never says "I love you." She will comment that she loves all of her children but never tells us directly. It's awkward to say it to her. It's awkward to hug her and I would never kiss her on the cheek or anything. I notice when mothers and daughters around me are affectionate. I'm affectionate with my own children and tell them every day that I love them. My mother rarely calls me or asks what's going on in my life. Most of my decisions (and the decisions of my siblings) are viewed in terms of how they affect her.

 

The weird thing is that I'm from a very large family. My mother had eight biological children and then adopted several more children. She liked babies a lot and was a great mom to babies and toddlers. I think that made her think that she liked being a mom in general and I don't think that's true.

[happypamama]

I think of a "warm" mother as being a smiley, cuddly sort of one. My own mommy is definitely what I think of as "warm." She was always ready with a hug and smile, and she loved hearing what was on our minds. My associations with her are of snuggling on her lap, reading stories, singing songs together. As a grandmother, she welcomes all of the grandchildren with open arms. Hugs are more important than messing up clothing. Lots of eye contact. When I call her, she always makes me feel like I am just the person she was hoping to hear from.

 

Otoh, I would think of a cold mother as being more reserved and formal. She rarely says the words, "I love you." She is quiet and maybe not so interested in hearing kids ramble. Hugs are infrequent and maybe sideways, rather than a two-arm full snuggle. You don't sit on her lap; she doesn't really look you in the eye often. You know she loves you, but her love languages run more toward things she does for you, rather than the things she says to you or to the hugs.

[LibraryLover]

My thoughts: a warm mother is a person with whom one would find comfort and acceptance, safety & emotional security. Someone who allows you to be vulnerable. I don't think it follows that that person could not guide and help one see flawed thinking or behavior, however. It's not acceptance without morality. It's more an emotion...you have a problem, you go for the warmth and security of someone who loves you, and you respect their advice. I think one can be a warm parent yet not have that kind of relationship with a child. It takes two. One to be warm, and one to accept the warmth. ;) A person can bake all the cookies and simmer all the soup they want; it doesn't make them warm if their heart is not in it or they are using it to bribe or manipulate. A mother can be genuine and true, and a child, depending on personality etc., might not feel the security or warmth.

Edited February 4, 2012 by LibraryLover

[Amethyst]

Hi Everyone! I'm the OP and I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and insights. It has been very interesting and informative for me to read them.

 

Just to clarify: when I posted I wasn't concerned about whether my mom is a warm mother (although it's interesting to see that she would probably qualify as cold according to lots of these definitions), I was more concerned about whether *I* am a warm mother.

 

I also agree with many of you who said that dh shouldn't be telling me that my mom was cold, but I've been putting up with his opinion of her for 30 years and I can't seem to get thru to him that I don't want to hear it. His position is that he is just making observations about her traits. He will admit that she is hardworking, honest, moral, and organized. Warmth is just not one of her traits, he says, but that doesn't mean she's a bad person. Ugh.

 

Your thoughts have made me more mindful of being warm to my own children. When they were little it was easy to snuggle and cuddle on laps and breastfeed and be the good-night-tucker-inner. But my kids are now 19, 17, 14, and 11. It's harder to be physically affectionate sometimes (though ds17 and dd11 are still huggers) and it can feel sometimes like my kids don't want to talk to me. But I'm taking your advice and trying to pay attention to what is important to them, not me. I'm trying to stop what I'm doing and look them in the eye when they do talk to me. I'm trying to smile and laugh and be silly more. I'm trying to say yes when my youngest wants to go for a ride with me somewhere rather than feel like a few minutes alone would be nice for a change.

 

My husband's mom (the saint) never said "I love you"to her kids or hugged them, but he still thinks she is one of the warmest persons ever. I think she was emotionally warm to them. She expressed herself a lot. She also provided a home where they felt safe and cared for and very special. I certainly don't think of myself as a quiet person, but my dh's family is very loud and outgoing and talkative. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm at a disadvantage because I'm not as much of a talker so then I won't be thought of as warm. That's why I like so many of your thoughts here. It has given me some things to think about and try to keep doing, even as they get older. Thank you!

[Ester Maria]

I pretty much associate warmth with affection, sort of an emotional transparency. It is not 'only' love which you "know" is there, but a more transparent version of it. If it makes sense.

 

Then there are mothers who are more on the cold, reserved side, but they still love their children dearly and their children know it. They are just not so "obvious" about it, with hugs and excitement and whatnot.

 

It is probably a temperament thing too. I really associate warmth, even geographically, with some areas and some "types" of people. This is not to say that the cold ones are not great people too - but something about the temperament is just not "right" for me. But for those people, it is a totally normal way of being and they are accustomed to it and it is fine for them.

[justamouse]

 

My husband's mom (the saint) never said "I love you"to her kids or hugged them, but he still thinks she is one of the warmest persons ever. I think she was emotionally warm to them. She expressed herself a lot. She also provided a home where they felt safe and cared for and very special. I certainly don't think of myself as a quiet person, but my dh's family is very loud and outgoing and talkative. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm at a disadvantage because I'm not as much of a talker so then I won't be thought of as warm. That's why I like so many of your thoughts here. It has given me some things to think about and try to keep doing, even as they get older. Thank you!

 

Ahhh, that could be it.

 

My side is Brazilian and Irish, heart on sleeve, very emotive, huggy, kissy, and talky (not me, I'm the introvert weirdo who hates to hug anyone but my Dh and kids).

 

My step father's side is Swedish, very quiet, very subdued. Now, many people would think my step great grandma cold, because she's quite reserved, but she's amazingly warm and affectionate-just not in a huggy kissy way. More so in a beams with pride way, always thinking of you way. Her family is tight, loyal, and always willing to help. One phone call and your roof will be reshingled, the floor laid, you moved. Quietly, of course. That's how they love.

Edited February 5, 2012 by justamouse

[Stacy in NJ]

a pretty terrific mom.

 

She's reserved, not physically affectionate, not out-going or upbeat, not much of a cook, baker, or gift giver. But, she is a very good listener and available emotionally in a quiet way. She was also a pretty strict discipinarian.

 

Cold is in the eye of the beholder, really. I know women that seem "warm" - the speak affectionately and warmly. They're friendly and seem to do alot with their kids and families. Yet, I'm not sure I'd say they're better mothers in other ways that count.

[TracyR]

MIL is not warm. She is a very nice person, but doesn't present as "warm" and anyone who meets her would agree. DH would as well. We love her dearly, and she's truly a nice person.

 

She has a bit of a flat affect. She doesn't really smile or show a ton of emotion no matter what (good or bad).

She doesn't have a very strong sense of humor. She's loosened up in recent years though.

WHen DH was growing up neither parent really said "I love you" or hugged him. He doesn't feel they were abusive or neglectful. They treated him well overall, but that's their personality, and the personalities of his grandparents on both sides were about the same (so both his mom and dad were raised in that type of environment). THey now do say "love you" and such to him, but only because I think it became part of our greater family culture (DH would say it to his parents and they finally started initiating).

Emotion and unhappiness by others wasn't really tolerated.

 

MIL is a good person, but definitely not someone you would say is warm. It took me years to really "get" her because my family is very affectionate, silly, etc. It was hard for me to believe she liked me because my parents would show that they liked a boyfriend of mine very openly. She is very reserved. However, we have plenty of dysfunction on my side even though my mom and immediate family are "warm." The dysfunction on each side is just different :lol:

 

eta: FIL is also not warm whereas my dad is a very warm person who loves to hug and stuff. He's the total opposite of FIL really. FIL and MIL are not at all (at all!) affectionate with one another. I don't think I've ever seen them give each other a hug or a peck on the cheek in 15 years of knowing them.

:iagree:

This is very similar to us. My mil is a very nice person but she's not warm at all. Not a joking person, doesn't smile much, isn't and was never affectionate with her two sons. His dad is a little bit more affectionate but not much.. She's very reserved. I've never seen his parents be affectionate. Never have heard in the 16yrs we've been married I love you. They fight, argue and bicker. I've maybe seen her give my husband a hug once in 16 yrs.

 

Now I came from a more warm side. My mother was a wonderful person. She loved hugs, and kisses. She loved to know what I was doing as a teen. She and I would spend many a nights up talking about different things. My mom loved to joke and she had many, many friends who loved her. Very , very different from my mil. My husband said they really weren't involved in his life growing up as a child. Most what he can remember is that they went to work , he went with a baby sitter or school, and that was about it. He and his brother were pretty much on their own as far as that went. They did go on family vacations though once a year and that was their family time.

Where as we never went on vacations but we did experience life together as a family. Of course my family has their dysfunction too. My own father is not a warm person. He doesn't really talk to me much and I'm his own child. He never comes and visits us ( he lives 45 miles away) and my kids really don't know him. They do know my dh's parents though.

If my mom were alive today they would have loved my mom very much. She was my mom , and she was my friend.

[swellmomma]

a pretty terrific mom.

 

She's reserved, not physically affectionate, not out-going or upbeat, not much of a cook, baker, or gift giver. But, she is a very good listener and available emotionally in a quiet way. She was also a pretty strict discipinarian.

 

Cold is in the eye of the beholder, really. I know women that seem "warm" - the speak affectionately and warmly. They're friendly and seem to do alot with their kids and families. Yet, I'm not sure I'd say they're better mothers in other ways that count.

 

This is like me. I am seen as cold not just towards my kids but in general. I hug my kids and the kids I watch but I don't hug anyone else. In fact I hate people touching me and being in my space. Now my own mother stopped hugging me by the time I was 5 or so and my dada never was one for signs of affection. She would try when I got older to hug me (like on my wedding day) but it was uncomfortable. SHe has recently decided that hugging her children everytime they leave her house is a good idea. I don't let her hug me, I don't like it, at the time she started to do this it had been 27 years since she had regularily hugged me, I have no interest in it. I have no problem giving a ton a hugs and cuddles to my kids and other that I care for. I am not outgoing, I seldom smile, I do enjoy giving gifts when I can though. I have been forcing myself to smile more and it is irritating and hurts my face but that part I am trying.

 

I am seen as aloof or cold towards others but I don't think I am. I even got called a cold mother by a cps worker once and that I was more likely to abuse the kids because they felt I was cold. I give my kids a ton of affection, but I am frustrated/tired/stressed a large majority of the time so I am that mother that does not smile too often at her kids, and is flustered with them, and such.

 

I love them dearly, and they know it. But I will likely never be that ever smiling, cheerful mother eager to have them sitting on her lap. I am happy to do nice things for others, I am happy to listen to them, just don't get into my space or expect me to be bubbly because I won't be.

[sewingmama]

In my opinion being cold is not really about not showing affection. My mother never showed affection to me but I knew she cared.

 

To me a cold mother is one who is borderline cruel or doesn't care that much about their kid. When their toddler falls over they tell them to get up and stop crying about nothing instead of rushing to pick them up and comfort them. When their K'er come home and shows them a picture they painted and she replies -"Well I can't even tell what it is - maybe you need some more lessons" or when their kid tells them they came second in a race and the mother says "Well I told you if you practiced more you would do better".

 

They don't comfort, they don't acknowledge the positives and they only see the negative in their child's life.

 

I don't like overly affectionate people -I'm glad I wasn't bought up by one. My mum didn't hug me but she came to all my sports days and school concerts. A cold mother would say "I'm not coming to your concert -you only have a small part so there isn't really any point".

[Laura Corin]

In my opinion being cold is not really about not showing affection. My mother never showed affection to me but I knew she cared.

 

To me a cold mother is one who is borderline cruel or doesn't care that much about their kid. When their toddler falls over they tell them to get up and stop crying about nothing instead of rushing to pick them up and comfort them. When their K'er come home and shows them a picture they painted and she replies -"Well I can't even tell what it is - maybe you need some more lessons" or when their kid tells them they came second in a race and the mother says "Well I told you if you practiced more you would do better".

 

They don't comfort, they don't acknowledge the positives and they only see the negative in their child's life.

 

I don't like overly affectionate people -I'm glad I wasn't bought up by one. My mum didn't hug me but she came to all my sports days and school concerts. A cold mother would say "I'm not coming to your concert -you only have a small part so there isn't really any point".

 

My mother came from a generation and a culture that didn't talk a lot about love. I was never told that I was loved, but I never had any doubts that I was. It just was something that was shown, rather than stated. I had lots of hugs and a fair bit of attention but the love was just assumed. I remember her surprise when she heard my brother telling his first daughter that he loved her - it had not occurred to my mother to do that. The first time I said to my father that I loved him was when he was dying - it just wasn't in my original family vocabulary.

 

All this to say that there are many ways of a family being warm, so it's good not to assume that warmth has to be expressed in only one way.

 

Laura

[MistyMountain]

I don't think of not being overly affectionate as being cold. Cold has a negative connotation to me. I'm not an overly affectionate person. I give my kids affection but I'm not that touchy. I love my kids but I am not a touchy feely and I am not bubbly and smiley. I am definitely not cold and uncaring though.

 

In my opinion being cold is not really about not showing affection. My mother never showed affection to me but I knew she cared.

 

To me a cold mother is one who is borderline cruel or doesn't care that much about their kid. When their toddler falls over they tell them to get up and stop crying about nothing instead of rushing to pick them up and comfort them. When their K'er come home and shows them a picture they painted and she replies -"Well I can't even tell what it is - maybe you need some more lessons" or when their kid tells them they came second in a race and the mother says "Well I told you if you practiced more you would do better".

 

They don't comfort, they don't acknowledge the positives and they only see the negative in their child's life.

 

I don't like overly affectionate people -I'm glad I wasn't bought up by one. My mum didn't hug me but she came to all my sports days and school concerts. A cold mother would say "I'm not coming to your concert -you only have a small part so there isn't really any point".

 

I agree with this.