S/o of Marrying young/compatibility

[Scarlett]

I just love an article that I found on a marriage site. It is about compatibility on fundamental issues. This part I found to be very helpful when I was divorced and thinking of finding a new husband. It is a list of 5 traits that are dfficult to change in oneself or in another and should be honestly evaluated to determine compatibility. I believe even if a person is already married---having the following info can be very helpful in understanding the dynamic of the relationship. (Link to full article at the bottom of this post)

 

1. Intelligence. You and he should be roughly equivalent in intelligence, within about 15 IQ points. Without having to take an IQ test, you can usually figure that out by comparing grades in school, although men are notorious underachievers in high school. College grades are a better measure of intelligence for both men and women. The quality of your conversation is another good indicator of compatible intelligence. Men who are stimulating to talk to are usually in your league intellectually. But if there is a large gap between you in IQ, both of you will tend to be bored by your conversation. The one with the highest IQ will find the conversation to be superficial, and the one with the lowest IQ won't be able to keep up. There is also a tendency of someone with a higher IQ to disrespect the judgments of the one with the lower IQ, and that's an absolute relationship killer. Respect is essential in marriage regardless of the quality of an opinion. If you both enjoy talking to each other for hours at a time, and you respect each other's ideas, you pass the test.

 

2. Energy. You should marry someone roughly equivalent to you in energy. If one of you lays around watching TV while the other scurries about and can't sit still, it's probably a bad match. The reason energy is an important determiner of compatibility is that so many of your lifestyle pre-dispositions will depend on your energy. Leisure time activities and sexual interest are particularly sensitive to the amount of energy you have. People high in energy enjoy activities that burn that energy, even after work, while those with low energy levels would find such activities to be exhausting. And regarding sex, the more energy a person has, the more sex he or she tends to need. Since leisure activities and sex are two of the best ways to deposit love units after marriage, incompatibility in these areas can make it very difficult for a couple to stay in love.

 

3. Social Interest. If one of you is socially outgoing and the other is an introvert, that difference can make the planning of social activities very difficult. The Policy of Joint Agreement dictates that you don't do anything unless you can both agree, and in marriages of extroverts to introverts, their area of mutual social comfort is very narrow. The extrovert will not be able to get to know as many people as he or she would like because the introvert hates meeting new people. And the introvert will be constantly challenged to tread into the terrifying waters of introductions. Yet, I am very much opposed to spouses going their separate ways after marriage (one goes to a party and the other stays home), so the social interest difference require very creative solutions to keep them together yet make their social lives happy for both of them.

 

4. Cultural Background. Culture determines a host of personal sensitivities. Take Christmas, for example. In the American culture, Christmas is usually a big deal for most people. But imagine growing up in a family where every year Christmas was celebrated with zeal, only to discover after marriage that you cannot celebrate Christmas at all. The Policy of Joint Agreement dictates that you don't do anything unless you can both enthusiastically agree and because the person you married comes from a family that finds Christmas offensive, you do not celebrate it. Even if your spouse were to give you permission to celebrate Christmas, his background will still make such a celebration very uncomfortable to him. From my perspective, The Policy of Joint Agreement would rule Christmas out until a way is found to celebrate it with mutual enthusiasm.

 

Cultural background does not only dictate sensitivities, but it also dictates certain skills in meeting emotional needs. In some cultures, outward displays of affection are discouraged, and yet you may need that from the person you married. To meet your emotional need, he must not only go against his cultural training, but he must learn to do something that he was never taught.

 

Sometimes when two people are in love, they feel they can overcome cultural barriers. But that's usually because their relationship has been rather brief. They have not yet had to wrestle with some of the conflicts that culture imposes on them. I counseled one couple who had fallen in love, yet one could only speak Spanish and the other could only speak English. Granted they could eventually learn each other's language, but with that would come a host of cultural differences that might be much more difficult to overcome. Time eventually proved to both of them that their relationship was not meant to be.

 

5. Values. Moral values usually dictate how we behave. The Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty are moral values that I encourage all married couples to adopt because they create and sustain love. But even when these two important values are agreed to at the time of marriage, conflicts with other moral values can make the creation of a compatible lifestyle very difficult to achieve. Getting back to our Christmas example, it's a cultural difference that makes a spouse unskilled in knowing how to celebrate Christmas. But if you marry an Orthodox Jew, it's more than skill that will be a problem. He will probably be deeply offended by such a celebration. And that offense comes from his moral convictions, not just his cultural background. A discussion of values is always a good idea when on a date, because if you find your values to be very divergent, it will make it difficult for you to agree on a lifestyle that you enthusiastically share.

 

A question often asked in a compatibility test is "Would you be willing to give up your religion to please your spouse?" It's not really a fair question, because it usually doesn't come to that drastic measure. But the point is important, and I would rephrase the question a little differently. I would ask, "Do you have any beliefs that would prevent you from following the Policy of Joint Agreement?" That is actually more to the point. Is there some belief that is so important to you that you would be willing to let your spouse suffer rather that give it up? If so, you should be certain that your spouse shares the same belief.

 

 

Full article

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5068b_qa.html

[Scarlett]

Wow! Not one reply!

 

Ok, so I guess I am alone in my weirdness. Maybe most of us are already married and don't see the point of thinking about or discussing compatibility.

 

I plan to use these 5 points to guide my ds in that area when he is old enough.

[Mrs Mungo]

I am just not sure it is entirely useful. For example, it seems to imply that people who are both American or both Christian or whatever will have the same ideas about how to celebrate holidays, proper amounts of physical affection and so forth. I have not found that to be true. People vary too much as individuals, in my experience.

[Scarlett]

I am just not sure it is entirely useful. For example, it seems to imply that people who are both American or both Christian or whatever will have the same ideas about how to celebrate holidays, proper amounts of physical affection and so forth. I have not found that to be true. People vary too much as individuals, in my experience.

 

I didn't get that from the article at all. :tongue_smilie:

 

I got that those cultural differences should not be lightly dismissed. Not that people from the same country will necessarily have the same cultures.

 

For instance I am an American citizen...I live in a country where most people celebrate Christmas. However, I don't. To be married to someone who does celebrate Christmas would be extrembly stressful to me.

[Joker]

Dh and I come from different backgrounds, he's an extrovert while I'm an introvert, he's an atheist and I'm Christian. Yet, we're perfect for each other.:lol:

 

I dated many people who would be more compatible according to your list and ended up completely bored and tired of them all.

 

Dh and I talked about the important stuff and how we wanted to raise kids before we got married. Those big things have changed a bit as we've grown but we've grown together so it works.

 

ETA: We married when I was 21 and he was 24 and will soon be celebrating our 14th anniversary.

[justamouse]

We've both grown together and apart (in different ways) as a couple I think I would have been constrained and not married my Dh had I listened to that article.

[Zebra]

I actually thought this was pretty interesting, and made a lot of sense.

 

I think that DH and I have one of the best and easiest marriages out there. We are a great match, and have been married 15 years. Some people would be bored to death by being so similar, but it works for us. I never thought about energy level before, but we even have the same energy level. And that actually can be a big deal.

 

I think the bigger issue here is it's really good to have some understanding of what you are up against when you get married. It's not that you can't marry someone who is different than you. But, I do think it takes more work and more understanding on both sides for certain differences.

 

A lot of people have some sort of fantasy that their spouse is going to change after they get married, or that whatever difference isn't going to cause any problems once they are married. I think being delusional about marriage is much more of a problem than being different. This list would be a good way to look at and evaluate what you have in common, and what you don't.

[MicheleinMN]

I appreciate the summary and link. I now have 2 single adult children, and I do wonder how to best guide them or, at least, help them think about what to look for in a spouse.

 

My own marriage has its ups and downs...and I am interested in reading if any of those 5 things are the main reason.

[Scarlett]

I actually thought this was pretty interesting, and made a lot of sense.

 

I think that DH and I have one of the best and easiest marriages out there. We are a great match, and have been married 15 years. Some people would be bored to death by being so similar, but it works for us. I never thought about energy level before, but we even have the same energy level. And that actually can be a big deal.

 

I think the bigger issue here is it's really good to have some understanding of what you are up against when you get married. It's not that you can't marry someone who is different than you. But, I do think it takes more work and more understanding on both sides for certain differences.

 

A lot of people have some sort of fantasy that their spouse is going to change after they get married, or that whatever difference isn't going to cause any problems once they are married. I think being delusional about marriage is much more of a problem than being different. This list would be a good way to look at and evaluate what you have in common, and what you don't.

 

Yes! Thank you for getting out of it what I did.

 

Your comment that I highlighted above is noteworthy.

Edited December 7, 2011 by Scarlett
typo

[Zebra]

I dated many people who would be more compatible according to your list and ended up completely bored and tired of them all.

 

 

 

That should be on the list too! Do you need to be around people who are different than you, or do you like to be around people who are similar to you? I really do think that's a personality thing.

[Parker Martin]

I agree with 1, 2, 4, and 5. My husband and I are the same on 3, but I don't know that it's necessary. I've seen couples where the two tended to compliment each other in that way, the extrovert being something of the family ambassador.

 

More specifically on values, I think it's important to agree on how flexible they are. People vary in how much tolerance they have for deviation from their values. I have almost no tolerance for this in a spouse; neither does my husband. That makes for a good match. If one of us were more flexible about our personal values, that person might find the other rigid, and the less flexible one might find the other weak.

[Scarlett]

I agree with 1, 2, 4, and 5. My husband and I are the same on 3, but I don't know that it's necessary. I've seen couples where the two tended to compliment each other in that way, the extrovert being something of the family ambassador.

 

More specifically on values, I think it's important to agree on how flexible they are. People vary in how much tolerance they have for deviation from their values. I have almost no tolerance for this in a spouse; neither does my husband. That makes for a good match. If one of us were more flexible about our personal values, that person might find the other rigid, and the less flexible one might find the other weak.

 

Great points.

 

On the introvert/extroverts....Probably depends somewhat on the extreme. I've seen very unhappy marriages because one spouse never wants to do ANYTHING with other people.

[Joules]

Wow! Not one reply!

 

Ok, so I guess I am alone in my weirdness. Maybe most of us are already married and don't see the point of thinking about or discussing compatibility.

 

I plan to use these 5 points to guide my ds in that area when he is old enough.

 

I just wanted to say thanks for posting this. Ds (14) and I have already had discussions (at his initiative) about finding "the one." The thoughts that I shared were that you should share beliefs on raising children, handling money and religion. This article gives us more to discuss. Dh and I do agree well on his five points.

 

You are getting more replies now, but I think this kind of thing means more to people who have been re-married. Though I've been married 18 years to dh, it's my second marriage. Ds knows that and is curious how to make sure he gets right the first time. I think it's something we don't focus on enough in discussion with kids. From the stats, I guess 50% of people are lucky enough to get it right the first time :D I wonder if that number would increase if we tried to help teens puzzle through articles like this one.

[Scarlett]

I just wanted to say thanks for posting this. Ds (14) and I have already had discussions (at his initiative) about finding "the one." The thoughts that I shared were that you should share beliefs on raising children, handling money and religion. This article gives us more to discuss. Dh and I do agree well on his five points.

 

You are getting more replies now, but I think this kind of thing means more to people who have been re-married. Though I've been married 18 years to dh, it's my second marriage. Ds knows that and is curious how to make sure he gets right the first time. I think it's something we don't focus on enough in discussion with kids. From the stats, I guess 50% of people are lucky enough to get it right the first time :D I wonder if that number would increase if we tried to help teens puzzle through articles like this one.

 

I like that positive spin on the marriages that make it! So true.

 

I also already talk to ds11 about this kind of stuff. He asks me all sorts of questions.

[kalanamak]

All I'm interested in is moral values and an optimist. And I'll take an optimist over moral values if the moral values don't break the law. 10 years with a pessimist I should have been a perfect match with ground the stars out of my eyes.

[delaney]

Well I guess that explains 22 years! We hit it on all 5 points. I think findng a mate in college was the right start for us because it pulled similar intellects together. Then on top of that we met at a common job we both had while in college. Now that isn't to say that things don't change because while I have now found staying at home to be a priority he is a very driven businessman. That wouldn't be easy if I worked as well. I dare say that we wouldn't be together if we both worked because the similar stress levels of us both being over achievers would have destroyed us.

[Lolly]

Dh and I only fit on #5. Culturally we are sort of half-way. We have been happily married with no bumps in the road for 25 years. I think the article is total bunk. There are way too many variables in a relationship to be able to pin success down to any list.

[TheReader]

I'd have to read the whole article; I'll definitely come back to it and read it later when I have more time. I think this is the tip of the iceberg,and not always the right set of indicators for each and every couple. I do think probably these 5 things are biggies for most, or at least some of these 5 things. Certainly I agree with what I think the article is saying --- not so much "if you don't match in these 5 areas, you're doomed" but more, "think through your compatibility in these 5 areas -- are the similarities/differences in these areas something you can live with for the rest of your life? how will you handle any differences in these areas? are you & your (future) spouse in agreement on what you expect in these areas, and how they'll be handled? etc..." I imagine same or different, we'd all benefit from thinking through expectations.

 

That's one thing our pre-marriage counseling (from our pastor) did for us, and I'm so glad. I saved all those papers and will encourage my sons to think through those issues with any future girlfriends/potential mates when they reach that point.

[regentrude]

3. Social Interest. If one of you is socially outgoing and the other is an introvert, that difference can make the planning of social activities very difficult. The Policy of Joint Agreement dictates that you don't do anything unless you can both agree, and in marriages of extroverts to introverts, their area of mutual social comfort is very narrow. The extrovert will not be able to get to know as many people as he or she would like because the introvert hates meeting new people. And the introvert will be constantly challenged to tread into the terrifying waters of introductions. Yet, I am very much opposed to spouses going their separate ways after marriage (one goes to a party and the other stays home), so the social interest difference require very creative solutions to keep them together yet make their social lives happy for both of them.

 

That is in disagreement with other research that has shown that most relationships actually consist of, one introvert and one extrovert - which is true for every single couple in our circle of friends and family, and my parents and inlaws (married for 46 and 48 years, respectively).

I am a strong extrovert and married to a strong introvert, and it poses absolutely no problem.

I also disagree that couples need to do everything together all the time. My husband does not accompany me to the homeschool playgroup, women's book club, choir - all outlets for my people needs. He in turn likes to bike alone, and I don't like to bike at all.

 

I suggest you think of all the couples you are acquainted with; I highly doubt you will find that most of tehm are pairings of two introverts or two extroverts.

[Kathryn]

Dh and I have been together for almost 18 years now and only match according to this list on both being introverts--which I hate because in order to get out there and try new things, we have to get up the nerve together instead of one encouraging the other. There are times when he's as lazy as me but I think that's because I made him. We are not matched intellectually if you go by IQ, but that's never presented a problem. Cultural background is pretty different, but that wouldnt have been a problem with mutual respect. Our problems have all resulted from previous baggage that we were unwilling to let go of and get past, so we hurt eachother. Moral values came into play the most once one of us got some and the other took longer, but we are finally, after almost two decades, at a point where I can see us being truly happy together. It's been a long struggle, but we've both contributed to it and grown. Having said all that, I think that flexibility and caring about your spouse's feelings goes a long way in determining compatibility.

[Kathryn]

 

 

DH and I are both introverts.

 

I am an extrovert magnet though. Every friend I have ever had has been extremely extroverted.

 

 

Me too. I think it's because it takes a strong extrovert to drag me out of my shell.

[Impish]

According to the article, Wolf and I shouldn't work, lol!

 

Thankfully, ppl are a lot more complex than any article could possibly account for.

[NotSoObvious]

This was great. Dh and I got married when we were 26 and 21, so fairly young and still in college. I remember we read a book of questions like these together and talked about a lot of issues like adoption, religion, and if our kids should go to college. I was always so grateful for those conversations because it got us communicating about issues from day 1. LOTS of things have changed since then, but I think setting the foundation for good communication helped us grow together instead of apart. We are vastly different people than we were 11 years ago. Our engaged selves would have never believed where we would be now.

 

I think being able to have these conversations is almost more important than having the same answers.

 

 

(DH and I were devout Mormons, he wanted 5 kids and didn't think college was important. Now he is an agnostic, doesn't want any more kids than our two, and hell will freeze over before our kids don't go to college. Funny what growing up does to you.)

[texasmama]

That is in disagreement with other research that has shown that most relationships actually consist of, one introvert and one extrovert - which is true for every single couple in our circle of friends and family, and my parents and inlaws (married for 46 and 48 years, respectively).

I am a strong extrovert and married to a strong introvert, and it poses absolutely no problem.

I also disagree that couples need to do everything together all the time. My husband does not accompany me to the homeschool playgroup, women's book club, choir - all outlets for my people needs. He in turn likes to bike alone, and I don't like to bike at all.

 

I suggest you think of all the couples you are acquainted with; I highly doubt you will find that most of tehm are pairings of two introverts or two extroverts.

 

This was my strongest reaction to the article. My introvert husband and extrovert self manage just fine. I don't expect him to attend loud, large gatherings of my extended family, and he gets plenty of time to hang out at home by himself. Introverts tend to be more cautious and thoughtful when approaching decisions, which is a good qualify to have in a mate, in my experience. Being married to me ensures that he has more relationships than he otherwise might, which is a life-entending quality. It's all good. :)

 

I also don't believe for one minute that general energy drives sexual needs.

 

The point about similar intelligence is fairly commonly understood, and I concur.

 

I enjoy reading articles such as this as a means to open a dialog with my dh or to look at different perspectives in relationships.

[coralloyd]

#1 made me laugh! My dh has an IQ of 170 and I am in the low 100's. I don't think my Love would have an easy time finding someone anywhere near his IQ! We are best friends and talk about everything. I am more street smart and read people much better than he does. He appreciates this about me and really values my opinion.

 

I also totally disagree with the cultural thing.

[LisaKinVA]

Thank you for this Scarlett...I sent the link to my parents...and finally got the nerve to e-mail my pastors about their marriage discussion with the youth (which has been bothering me for some time).

 

Lisa

[Murphy101]

Link to what this is spun off of?

 

I don't think it's really much of a list.

 

The most important things IMO are:

 

Talking about serious things and expectations

And

Determination to stay in the commitment

 

All else can be worked out, maybe unpleasantly and with tears, but it's doable if that's what they want to do. (and sometimes the bitter truth is they don't want to)

 

But I can think of exceptions to almost all of those points. *shrugs*

[Giraffe]

DH and I agree on religion and I guess we're of even intelligence, but other than that.... He's an extrovert, I'm an introvert. He's Turkish, My ancestors came to the US from England in the 1600s. Energy? He always wants to go go go, I dream of lazy Saturdays on the couch with a book.

 

He's the love of my life and I wouldn't trade him for all the gold in the world.

[Juniper]

1.Intelligence-Errrr...we are not a match here. We complement each other, but we are not a match. My IQ is way more than 15 points higher than dh, but he has attributes that serve him better than my intelligence has ever served me. Wisdom, follow through, a solid private school education with amazing grammar and writing skills. So what if I was advanced 4 grades in year? Graduated highschool with 2 years of college under my belt at 15? He has the total package and doesn't get lost in his head the way I can. OTOH, he has a leg up in many areas, because of how much I steer and help him to see things that he normally would not realize.

 

2.Energy- Ha! This was a major bone of contention the first 10 years of our marriage!!! Dh has changed so much in the last few years and I have to say his energy level is way up. I love it! We do major projects together, he has taught himself so many skills on the ranch (he was born and raised in the suburbs without an adventurous bone in his body) and has come to appreciate my adventure seeking nomadic family.

 

3.Social interest-again we could not be more different. Especially, when we married. One of us is an introvert and the other is the extrovert.

 

4.Cultural Backgrounds-Dh is from an white bread, midwest, conservative christian, private schooled, politically conservative, blue collar family. Me: raised with foodies and a couple gourmet chefs,west coast, non-religious/atheist, mix of homeschool/public school/charter schools/college programs depending on my needs, VERY politically liberal including helping Grandfather with his democratic campaigns, white collar.

 

5.Morals-okay I will give it this. When we met our morals were similar on the surface. Obviously, because of our vastly different upbringing they were different deep down. We have gone through crisis of faith together, converting to a very different branch of Christianity together. But we are very different.

 

 

The truth is we complement one another. I bring his life color, adventure, and a completely different way of looking at things. He brings stability, wisdom, and a good dose of reality to my life. Also, he was in a relationship with a girl that should have been a perfect match for him according to that article. His family (particularly his mother) loved her. The families were great friends. I guess dh wanted something a little more exotic. ;)

[Juniper]

Link to what this is spun off of?

 

I don't think it's really much of a list.

 

The most important things IMO are:

 

Talking about serious things and expectations

And

Determination to stay in the commitment

 

All else can be worked out, maybe unpleasantly and with tears, but it's doable if that's what they want to do. (and sometimes the bitter truth is they don't want to)

 

But I can think of exceptions to almost all of those points. *shrugs*

 

This!!! We do talk about EVERYTHING and we are both very committed people. It has not been a cake walk, but even though we married at 18 and 21 we are still going strong almost 15 years later.

 

I still remember one of the Pastor's we did pre-marital counseling with saying we had to many "red flags" what he meant were differences as he was working off a list similar to the op's. I married dh because I knew he had things I needed and wanted in a spouse. Areas I was not as strong in. Dh married me for similar, but opposite reasons. We are opposites, but we play on the same team.

[Just Kate]

Anyone notice this thread is originally from 2011??? Just thought I would point this out to anyone looking for the original thread that it was spun off from.

[Embassy]

Dh and I were similar on 4 of the 5 when we married and now we are similar on 5 of the 5. We had cultural differences tied to my religion. I changed my religious beliefs so those cultural differences weren't an issue. Dh and I even have the same Myers Briggs personality :) We are very much alike and have a very strong marriage. Educationally we are mismatched, but that is just a degree on paper. Intellectually, we match quite well.

[Lolly]

 

 

The most important things IMO are:

 

Talking about serious things and expectations

And

Determination to stay in the commitment

 

 

 

 

Bingo. Add mutual respect and you have the recipe for a solid relationship.

[Juniper]

Anyone notice this thread is originally from 2011??? Just thought I would point this out to anyone looking for the original thread that it was spun off from.

 

 

 

Ugh! I thought it looked familiar!!! Oh well. ;)

[Farrar]

I think two people need common ground but that there's not one formula of what that has to look like to make a marriage work.

 

I think opposites in many things can be compatible, so the idea that these particular things need to be the same in two people seems silly to me. And as has been pointed out, research even suggests that introverts and extroverts pair well together.

[Lolly]

Anyone notice this thread is originally from 2011??? Just thought I would point this out to anyone looking for the original thread that it was spun off from.

 

:laugh: I was wondering what it had spun from. At least I hadn't posted to it back then only to post an opposite response this time. Time does change the way we feel about things! :laugh:

[Scarlett]

Link to what this is spun off of?

 

I don't think it's really much of a list.

 

The most important things IMO are:

 

Talking about serious things and expectations

And

Determination to stay in the commitment

 

All else can be worked out, maybe unpleasantly and with tears, but it's doable if that's what they want to do. (and sometimes the bitter truth is they don't want to)

 

But I can think of exceptions to almost all of those points. *shrugs*

 

 

 

I am not suggesting anyone divorce their husband if too many things don't match up. This is for UNmarried people. Why pair up with someone that will require 'working things out with unpleasantness and tears' when you could find someone with whom less 'working things out' is required.

 

I didn't copy the entire article----there is much more to it than the above. It isn't meant to be a be all end all list...I do realize humans and relationships are much more complex than one short list of qualities. However it is a good jumping off point to discussions and better than just marrying the first person you find attractive.

[TracyP]

I don't agree with everything, but I think this is (overall) a great list. I'm glad it got brought back up. Of course you don't look at someone to make sure they are an exact match on every. single. thing., but this is a good starting point.

 

I am an introvert married to an introvert. I can't even handle the thought of being married to an extrovert. That is a biggie *for me*.

We are very incompatible in one of these areas. This is harder than I would have imagined and have already planned to speak to my kids about this. The others hit a middle ground where we aren't completely on the same page, but close enough to make it work.

 

I think it is important to at least be aware when you are different in these areas. Sometimes people don't stop to think beyond the warm, fuzzy feelings. It would be helpful for people to step back and think about this BEFORE saying "I do."

[Scarlett]

As for the introvert/ extrovert issue...I know a good many that are the same and a good many that are opposite. One opposite couple struggles....she wants him to do more things with her and he just wants to stay home. It is a source of contention for her. However they are committed to their marriage.

 

My dh and I are very similar. And we get along wonderfully. Both medium extroverts.....I am very out going but am a fair bit of HSP. In my first marriage my then husband constantly complained that I never wanted to do anything....but the truth was I didn't want to do the things he wanted to do which came down to a morals/ cultural difference.

 

I still think it is a good list to start discussions.

 

 

[LisaKinVA]

I think the key is to find someone who compliments/balances you. In some cases (like intelligence), having someone with whom you can easily converse is important...in other areas extreme opposites (extreme extrovert with extreme introvert) can be almost unbearable. A good marriage starts with awareness...awareness of ones' self, the expectations and general understanding you have of yourself and of the other individual. Figuring it out later can be difficult ...and sometimes it will never really happen. My son's youth group recently had a discussion about marriage, in which they were told to look for someone who is OPPOSITE them. I took issue with that. Opposites may attract, and they can sometimes work, but IME extreme opposites almost never do. That's where the compliments/balances comes in.

 

I had one casual outing in college with a senior who was very nice. He was also very serious. I tend to veer toward the serious side as well, but every once in awhile am inclined to the silly. I need that, or life as a melancholy personality would probably have me severely depressed. Well, during the first 10 minutes of our walk to the cafeteria... I *knew* I could never marry that man. He wasn't for me. Living with him would never be fun, or have any spark of spontaneity. I eventually found that man who could read me well enough to know when I needed him to be serious, but could enjoy those moments when my humor would come flashing out, and knew when he needed to help lighten the mood to help draw me out.

 

This isn't the only example I could point to...there are others. Those things on the "list" (and on the discussion topics in the linked article), are important topics for people to discuss BEFORE they marry. I know far too many couples who thought all of that was irrelevant ... I was even asked why *anyone* would bother to talk about those things, they weren't important. If both individuals loved God and wanted to serve him, all of those things would work out on their own.

 

I want to prepare my children to become adults, and I also want to protect them. I want them to look at marriage as more than love, sex, and excitement -- and understand that by discussing some of these topics early, they can possibly avoid some of the heartache that is bound to come. I don't want my kids to be naive, and wake up married to someone they discover they don't really like being around all that much....that they can't talk about important things...that their voice is always drowned out by the other...that they feel forced to be less than who they are (hiding thoughts, beliefs, struggles) in order to keep some peace in the marriage...I want them to experience what it's like to be married to someone who is a best friend, a lover, and who brings out their desire to be their best.

[Scarlett]

 

 

I agree, but gee how do people manage to pair up if they are so incompatible? Are they not being real when they meet? I don't get it.

 

Granted, there are some things you cannot know about a person until you get there. Like, how they will handle having children, etc.

 

I think my only hesitation with marrying my husband was that we never lived together and never went through any difficulties together. Every time we were together it was like a fun holiday. But, what the heck, I just can't possibly know everything about a person and so what if they aren't perfect.

 

 

Yes, I believe many people are fundamentally dishonest and it is mostly with themselves. They don't know what they don't know...not being honest about what you need and what you can provide is a huge reason so many marriages end up intolerable.

 

Dh and I only knew each other for 11 weeks when we married. Every time we were together was definitely a holiday... But we were very honest about all our needs and wants....and we both share a strong commitment to marriage.

[TracyP]

 

Same here. Although honestly, I did not realize that about myself when I married my husband. Meaning, I did not realize how important that would be to me. Hopefully I'm making sense. I dated extroverts. In fact, I dated one for 4 years. I'm glad I did not marry him.

 

 

I never thought about it, but I had two serious relationships before my husband and they were both extroverts. Oy! That would have been bad.

[Scarlett]

My son's youth group recently had a discussion about marriage, in which they were told to look for someone who is OPPOSITE them. I took issue with that. Opposites may attract, and they can sometimes work, but IME extreme opposites almost never do.

 

 

 

That is very upsetting to me...that kids are being given that kind of advice. Ugh.

[Scarlett]

 

 

I met my husband very shortly after my 4 year relationship ended. I didn't really meet him with any intention of it going anywhere, but I decided to lay it all out there. I wanted to be liked for who I am and not what I could pretend to be (which was basically what I did when I met my prior boyfriend). But I wasn't 18 anymore. KWIM?

 

 

Yep. Know exactly what you mean. Which is why many young marriages fail.....I am not categorically against young marriages but young people need someone with sense in their life who will give them strong feedback and council.

[LibraryLover]

Dh and I had similar energy levels. However, tis I who would now rather sit and watch 30 Rock on Netflix than go out. I feel so guilty. lol He barely sits down, and now I really like sitting down. The upside: He likes 30 Rock. :) I force myself to go out. Once I am at a party or pub (we have lots of musician friends who play in town), I'm fine and end up having a good time. Although, sometimes his date to these events is my brother. :) Mostly, I want to stay home, but I can see it's better if do push myself out of my comfort zone.

 

What happens when one of you changes? Although I guess this is not a change on a fundamental level, and I do frequently find myself on a plane with him, and a major life change (move) is on the horizon. I would rather not do this, but will because I can't imagine not being with him (this is not the same as military, which I think I could have handled). Part of me is excited about a new opportunity, and part of me wishes we were going to retire and play Scrabble all day instead.

[LibraryLover]

Yeah I am not going to encourage my kids to marry young. Not downing anyone out there who does it, but I don't think it's ideal. My parents married at 18 and had kids right away. My mother told me not to do that. My parents did stay together, but they said marrying so young was a mistake.

 

 

 

We married young, although we didn't have children for several years. :)

I am not going to encourage or discourage. It's up to them.

[Scarlett]

Do people really change radically though? I think that's not typical unless someone has a brain injury. Sometimes I'm more outgoing than other times, but that's not a change in me. It's just how I've always been.

 

 

I've seen radical changes and I have also seen people who give up on pretending. I knew what I wanted at age 18, but I wasn't skilled on how to spot a dishonest person....so I ended up being married to someone who wasn't at all what he portrayed or pretended.

[LisaKinVA]

Do people really change radically though? I think that's not typical unless someone has a brain injury. Sometimes I'm more outgoing than other times, but that's not a change in me. It's just how I've always been.

 

 

 

With my parents, there were differences when they were young, but they did not seem quite so....different. Over time those habits, personality traits, etc. grew. If you looked at them today, you would wonder how two people who are so very different ever got married, but if you knew them 40 some odd years ago, you would have thought they were fairly compatible.

 

 

In looking at energy levels, my energy is probably still more or less the same, but it's been sucked out of me by other things that didn't exist before dh and I married. So... it isn't really different, but it practice it certainly feels that way (especially to dh).

[TranquilMind]

Wow! Not one reply!

 

Ok, so I guess I am alone in my weirdness. Maybe most of us are already married and don't see the point of thinking about or discussing compatibility.

 

I plan to use these 5 points to guide my ds in that area when he is old enough.

 

 

This seems really common-sense to me, but you are right - we don't really talk about this stuff. This sounds like the stuff everyone's Mom or Grandma used to say. I know I've said this stuff too, already to my kids, more or less.

 

It just is really hard starting from a point of vast differences, and "love" won't really cover it. It's possible, but hard.

[Impish]

For *us* it's the differences that make our marriage strong and healthy.

 

Where I'm weak, he's strong, and vice versa.

 

Def keeps us from being bored w/one another :laugh: