s/o Antidepressants - Lack of Community

[JumpyTheFrog]

Someone on the antidepressants thread suggested that lack of community may play a role in the apparently high levels of depression in women. My dh and I have tried to invite friends over for dinner in the last two months and we had several families tell us they were too busy until January! This is crazy!

 

The homeschooling families we know are too busy to get together and the neighbors with kids in school are also busy. How are we supposed to have community if everyone is always rushing around everywhere? We moved into a neighborhood with kids a few months ago, and even though the weather has been great for the last week, all the kids are inside or not at home. My homeschooling friends are all busy during the day and I guess all the moms in this neighborhood work.

 

How are families supposed to build and maintain friendships with others if they can only get together for maybe 10-20 hours per year? There must be a lot of lonely people out there...

[dsmama]

I struggle with this. But from another perspective. As someone currently on antidepressants (but who avoided the original thread as I saw it late in the game), it is very hard for me to reach out right now, even though my kids need companionship.

 

That being said, "booked til January" seems extreme. We try to have one big "have a family over for dinner and play" get together each weekend, or at least every other weekend if we can. Curious to hear what others say.

[JumpyTheFrog]

We used to invite others over every week, but then weren't able to because I had health problems for a few years. Now that I'm feeling better, our friends are too busy. Maybe we need to meet more people.

[mommaduck]

I can't say it's necessarily a lack of community. I knew a Mennonite community where nearly EVERY woman was on anti-depressants (with no counseling). Of course they had a doctor in that area that bragged on how he prescribed it for ALL his patients and EVERY woman should be on them. They ALL thank him for it. It makes them FEEL GOOD. I ran...it was scarey.

[Denisemomof4]

Someone on the antidepressants thread suggested that lack of community may play a role in the apparently high levels of depression in women. My dh and I have tried to invite friends over for dinner in the last two months and we had several families tell us they were too busy until January! This is crazy!

 

The homeschooling families we know are too busy to get together and the neighbors with kids in school are also busy. How are we supposed to have community if everyone is always rushing around everywhere? We moved into a neighborhood with kids a few months ago, and even though the weather has been great for the last week, all the kids are inside or not at home. My homeschooling friends are all busy during the day and I guess all the moms in this neighborhood work.

 

How are families supposed to build and maintain friendships with others if they can only get together for maybe 10-20 hours per year? There must be a lot of lonely people out there...

 

I don't find this crazy at ALL this time of year. In fact, there have been MANY times that I haven't been able to get together with someone because my schedule didn't allow it for months. I hate living that busy of a life but it does happen and it's not my trying to avoid people!

[GWOB]

Yes.

 

I lost friends when I started homeschooling. People who I thought were friends no longer called or invited me out. I do things with other homeschoolers, but they are often busy, ya know, schooling.

 

We specifically moved to a small town thinking there would be a wonderful sense of community and support. It has turned into a nightmare. No one talks to anyone unless they are talking about someone.

 

So yep. Lack of community is probably a big factor.

[justamouse]

I can't say it's necessarily a lack of community. I knew a Mennonite community where nearly EVERY woman was on anti-depressants (with no counseling).

 

Shut the front door. Are you serious?

 

OP, read Bowling Alone.

[mommaduck]

Shut the front door. Are you serious?

 

OP, read Bowling Alone.

Yes, I am. Our last straw was when the minister suggested that I get on anti-depressants "to help you conform".

 

:auto:

[Serenade]

We don't get together much with other people. We used to do it more, but with kids, and weekend activities, and household errands that need to be done, it seems like there is never any time. My kids are only in two activities, but one of them is scouts, and that's a doozy. The only time my DH ever has to accomplish anything he needs to do is on weekends, so it is really hard to ever find time to socialize with others. I don't like living this way, but I'm not seeing a lot of options at the moment. I'm not depressed, though, and have never taking any such meds. But I could see how a situation like this might be depressing for one who craves socialization. It is hard to eek out some time for something that is not pressing. I'm going to try to change this in the near future. We just moved, and are still busy getting settle, but my goal is to get together with other more often.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I don't find this crazy at ALL this time of year.

 

The thing is, we invited the first family over in early October and got this reply. Then the second said the same thing in early November. A third was actually able to come until they got sick. The fourth family had to temporarily move because of mold issues in their apartment. That is understandable.

[JumpyTheFrog]

People who I thought were friends no longer called or invited me out. I do things with other homeschoolers, but they are often busy, ya know, schooling.

 

So what do we do about this? I wonder if I should start a homeschooling playdate meetup group.The local HSing meetup group has lots of activities, but nobody in my family really gets to know people this way. I'm an introvert, so just seeing people occasionally at activities where i'm distracted by trying to keep the 2 year old from wandering off doesn't give me much chance to really get to know people. I need longer blocks of time.

[JumpyTheFrog]

... I could see how a situation like this might be depressing for one who craves socialization. It is hard to eek out some time for something that is not pressing.

 

I think the problem is that if people don't make time for finding and making friends when life is good, then when life gets rough, there is nobody there to support you. Maybe this is one reason for high rates of depression and/or loneliness?

 

A few years ago I had a very few rough months health wise where I was unable to care for myself or my son. Pretty much everyone I knew, friends included, was too busy to even send a card. This is something that is hard not to get bitter about.

[SKL]

If people want community, they need to be willing to share stuff that they use a lot. Imagine how much community you'd have if there were only one kitchen for several families to share.

 

Folks could shoo all their kids out to play in a common area, instead of playing with their own toys in their fenced-in backyards. Or opt for the sidewalk instead of the treadmill/elliptical when weather permits.

 

Somehow our culture has decided that the ideal is to have as much space between us as possible at all times - within homes as well as neighborhoods. Even people of humble means think I'm nuts if I suggest a sharing arrangement.

 

I don't think it's at all strange that people can't make new plans during December. But you might have better luck next year if you plan way in advance to do some Christmas task at the same time and place, such as making or wrapping gifts or addressing Christmas cards.

[Mergath]

All of my own friends are childless. They seem to be the only ones with time to actually get together for dinner or coffee or whatnot.

 

With the few families in our area I have gotten together with, I've generally been so horrified by the parenting that I chose not to see them again. I don't know why, but I seem to meet a lot of people who think it is acceptable to let their children play outside in the cold in hardly more than a tshirt, smeared from head to to with dried-on food, then screaming at the kid non-stop. People like that. :glare:

[Joyofsixreboot]

It is hard to get together with friends or even join a club/ group for yourself when every night of the week is booked. I just told a friend who wants to get a bunch of us together that I can't until after Christmas so to the OP I believe it.

Edited December 6, 2011 by joyofsix

[3Blessings]

If people want community, they need to be willing to share stuff that they use a lot. Imagine how much community you'd have if there were only one kitchen for several families to share.

 

Folks could shoo all their kids out to play in a common area, instead of playing with their own toys in their fenced-in backyards. Or opt for the sidewalk instead of the treadmill/elliptical when weather permits.

 

Somehow our culture has decided that the ideal is to have as much space between us as possible at all times - within homes as well as neighborhoods. Even people of humble means think I'm nuts if I suggest a sharing arrangement.

 

I don't think it's at all strange that people can't make new plans during December. But you might have better luck next year if you plan way in advance to do some Christmas task at the same time and place, such as making or wrapping gifts or addressing Christmas cards.

 

We live in a small expat community in Jakarta and I find much more community here than I did when living in the U.S. People need each other here and they care for one another. It is also a Christian community so that helps. We live in a neighborhood where the kids play outside in front because we all have postage sizes backyards. We know each others' kids and we don't get upset when someone corrects our kids because we know they care for them like we do.

 

People take walks, chat in the street, borrow eggs and milk. It is a beautiful situation and I feel sad that most Americans don't even know their neighbors' names.

[cathmom]

I've been thinking about lack of community lately, because my family has been quite isolated for years and we are all feeling the effects. One of the reasons I like teaching pt is because I am now part of a real community - the school, one which also includes my children. I took my children with us on a field trip Friday, and they enjoyed the other teachers talking to them, etc.

 

We made the mistake 13 years ago of moving to a rural area (we could not afford a house in town). Now with gas prices, the housing issue, and lots of children we are stuck. I tried to rejoin the homeschool group but we don't fit in because of lack of finances (all the activities are cost-prohibitive for more than 2 children) and number of children. That's been a bust.

 

Dh and I have been injured or sick in various ways for the last year and a half and only Renee in FL has helped us. No one from our church ever called us to see why we weren't coming - if they thought of us at all, they probably thought we had moved. No one from our church helped us when we had our twins. Dh and I have done everything the last 7 years mostly alone and with the help of our older children. We'll never have any other help except the help we hire. It's exhausting and stressful. We're not on anti-depressants, but that is just the grace of God, I think.

[DawnM]

I know I don't have a community here in any way like I did growing up. I grew up as a missionary kid overseas and the missionaries stuck together and helped one another. I also went to boarding school.

 

I am very thankful that that community is still my community even though we don't live close to each other now. Many of us try to see each other at least once per year even though we are scattered throughout the U.S.

 

However, other than phone calls, this does not help with the feeling locally of not being in community. I have some friends but only one or two I could call in a real emergency.

 

Dawn

[elegantlion]

We moved last year and although the neighbors are great, we don't get together. Honestly, I find most of my "community" online right now.

 

I think the getting together with other families had a higher priority when ds was younger. Informal playdates in the afternoon are unreasonable now as school is taking longer.

 

Our previous neighborhood none of the people ever got together. It was very odd.

 

I know December can be busy. If you're involved in church and school, that alone can take all your weekends.

 

As kids get older they don't necessary gel as well. At 7 ds could play with anyone by getting out the Legos. At 14, they have definite interests and "playing" isn't something I feel I can force on him.

 

I'd like to get together with one neighbor but they smoke in the house, and I'm sensitive to smoke. The one time I'd thought I'd invite her over for lunch I ended up sick for a week, never did talk to her.

 

I think this is also a great time to reach out. I plan on making some cookies or something and taking to a few neighbors.

[JessReplanted]

I don't have any homeschooling friends here. Not one. :glare:

 

The only people we get together with on a regular basis are the people in our Missional Home Group, from our church. We go over to someones house every Thursday night, and we have dinner together. We also pray together & talk about some other stuff.

 

It's inconvenient & can be exhausting, but it's important. The kids love it, and we need to be in community with each other.

[justamouse]

I've been thinking about lack of community lately, because my family has been quite isolated for years and we are all feeling the effects. One of the reasons I like teaching pt is because I am now part of a real community - the school, one which also includes my children. I took my children with us on a field trip Friday, and they enjoyed the other teachers talking to them, etc.

 

We made the mistake 13 years ago of moving to a rural area (we could not afford a house in town). Now with gas prices, the housing issue, and lots of children we are stuck. I tried to rejoin the homeschool group but we don't fit in because of lack of finances (all the activities are cost-prohibitive for more than 2 children) and number of children. That's been a bust.

 

Dh and I have been injured or sick in various ways for the last year and a half and only Renee in FL has helped us. No one from our church ever called us to see why we weren't coming - if they thought of us at all, they probably thought we had moved. No one from our church helped us when we had our twins. Dh and I have done everything the last 7 years mostly alone and with the help of our older children. We'll never have any other help except the help we hire. It's exhausting and stressful. We're not on anti-depressants, but that is just the grace of God, I think.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Yup, that's exactly what our life was like 'in the country'. And I hear you on the twins. In all honesty, I don't remember much of those years. Thankfully I have pictures. :001_smile:

 

I live in a town now, and the difference is remarkable. Yes, I gave up my chickens and land, but the community I gained is far more valuable.

[justamouse]

Yes, I am. Our last straw was when the minister suggested that I get on anti-depressants "to help you conform".

 

:auto:

 

 

Hoooo, that's so -my jaw is on the floor.

[mchel210]

I felt like it was my area...and not the whole world! I see I was wrong!!

 

I have my 9 yo playing a team sport and now we have made new friends through that. We have been having more dinner parties and outings with these new friends. We are spending so much time practicing and at games...that we kind of had to become friends.

 

Otherwise, I do feel very alone here. I dont know if it is because I have an Aspie and people would rather not be bothered...That is how I feel! It really hurts.

 

I havent taken any meds though. I work out and eat right to try and avoid that. I force myself to get out into the world even though I feel very alone at times. It is sad. I think many drs. are pushing meds on ladies without offering support to get off the meds. That is not the point.

 

My husband could care less. I think its because he is out working and dealing with people daily while I have to make my time for friends and personal time. It is sad that my friends cant take the time to even call some days and say hi or tell me about their days.

 

Also I think the rise in Facebook has eliminated the need for your friends to call you. They post the simple explanation of their day and that's that. Its terrible that people think that's enough!

[cathmom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Yup, that's exactly what our life was like 'in the country'. And I hear you on the twins. In all honesty, I don't remember much of those years. Thankfully I have pictures. :001_smile:

 

I live in a town now, and the difference is remarkable. Yes, I gave up my chickens and land, but the community I gained is far more valuable.

 

Thanks for the hugs! If we are ever able to move, we will NEVER live out in the country again! We don't even do anything with our land - I'm horrible with plants, no farm animals, etc.

[beaners]

I could see it being a few months out before we could make plans, and we really don't do many activities. We do children's choir one night a week. My husband is usually off that night and we get errands done. It leaves one other day a week that we are all home, and that is often used for appointments.

 

We have moved frequently, although we've been in this house for more than three years. Most of the neighbors here are great. We may have a barbeque occasionally, but we don't get together regularly. We chat and shovel out one another's driveway.

 

At first there were no other children. Over the summer I met a family with two children (and their pitbull, surprise!) but I saw a UHaul at their rental last month. Another family moved in across the road, but I haven't met them face to face. I left a little note saying hello and introducing our family.

[melissel]

So what do we do about this? I wonder if I should start a homeschooling playdate meetup group.The local HSing meetup group has lots of activities, but nobody in my family really gets to know people this way. I'm an introvert, so just seeing people occasionally at activities where i'm distracted by trying to keep the 2 year old from wandering off doesn't give me much chance to really get to know people. I need longer blocks of time.

 

This is exactly what I did when we made the decision to begin HSing, and that's where my HSing community has come from. We're all spread out, unfortunately, but we do a co-op together, parties, field trips, etc. Almost every HSing relationship I have is based in that playgroup. I don't run it anymore, but I've been thinking lately about starting up a once-a-month thing again. If this is what you're looking for, you should totally do it.

 

ETA: Oh, and I meant to say that I think a general sense of community was more important back when we needed to rely on one another more, when it was harder to keep in touch with those far away, and when it was hard to actually get outside of your community on a regular basis. Now that we can zip anywhere we want to whenever we want to, call and email and text and Facebook at any time, and don't tend to have to rely on one another for things, community has broken down. Now, I'm a fairly extreme introvert, so the little community I have is all I need (my parents, best friend and family, a few good HSing friends) and all I can handle! But I can see where some people feel the need for more. My DH is like that.

Edited December 6, 2011 by melissel

[elegantlion]

Thanks for the hugs! If we are ever able to move, we will NEVER live out in the country again! We don't even do anything with our land - I'm horrible with plants, no farm animals, etc.

 

(Cathmom) :grouphug:

We had that discussion before we moved. Dh wanted the country. I'm not raising anything but a boy, I kill plants, and both me and the dog have massive grass allergies.

 

I wanted city, but not urban city. Our previous house was technically suburbs but it was 3 acres. We could never keep up the lawn work (southern US, no real winter), you couldn't walk anywhere, no one talked to each other. It was like the country.

 

We've settled in a rural town. I can see the Christmas lights on the town square from my windows. The parades stage right outside my house, I can walk to the library. It's been different and good. I can't let my dog out to run though because we have almost no yard. If ds were younger we'd have to walk to the park to play because of no yard. We were aghast when we moved here and people were actually out walking. Ds and I looked at each other and said, "look, actual people, out and about." :lol:

[melissel]

We've settled in a rural town. I can see the Christmas lights on the town square from my windows. The parades stage right outside my house, I can walk to the library. It's been different and good. I can't let my dog out to run though because we have almost no yard. If ds were younger we'd have to walk to the park to play because of no yard. We were aghast when we moved here and people were actually out walking. Ds and I looked at each other and said, "look, actual people, out and about." :lol:

 

That sounds really, really nice. Unfortunately, living like that here in NJ would cost you many hundreds of thousands of dollars *sigh* We need to get out of this state!

[elegantlion]

That sounds really, really nice. Unfortunately, living like that here in NJ would cost you many hundreds of thousands of dollars *sigh* We need to get out of this state!

 

We don't have a lot in town retail wise. It a commute to all that stuff, 30 minutes one way, 30 minutes another. Culture is not much either. But it is nice, it's quiet, and cheap.

[melissel]

We don't have a lot in town retail wise. It a commute to all that stuff, 30 minutes one way, 30 minutes another. Culture is not much either. But it is nice, it's quiet, and cheap.

 

I hear you. That's one thing NJ is good for--we're near plenty of culture and way more than enough retail options. It's probably a grass-is-greener thing, eh? :D

[justamouse]

That sounds really, really nice. Unfortunately, living like that here in NJ would cost you many hundreds of thousands of dollars *sigh* We need to get out of this state!

 

You need to come up here by me!

[Bluegoat]

I think there are a lot of different things that have contributed to the problem. I've experienced in rural and suburban settings as well.

 

In both cases, the car I think is a huge factor, and television. People don't need to go out into the community to find fun, they can watch tv or use the computer at home. And when they do go out, it is in the car, so they are not necessarily in their own neighbourhood.

 

In the rural areas, it has meant people drive into the big town to shop and for excitment, and a lot of the services have left the countryside - stores and banks and even schools. And rural areas are being depopulated fast, which exagerates the problem. When we get our food from China, no one needs to live in the farming areas.

 

In suburbs like I'm in now, there are no real gathering places. It's just bad design, starting with whole blocks of single family dwellings and no other uses allowed, so the streets are mostly deserted in the days and most of the time when most people are at work. And there are some strip malls and stuff in walking distance, and a library. Not really places you walk and hang out, because they are in the middle of huge parking lots. There aren't even many sidewalks.

 

There has been quite a lot of research done on how people maintain friendships and feel socially connected, and the biggest issue is that it doesn't work if people need to call up their friends and make plans. People feel connected when they meet their friends and neighbours regularly as they go about their daily business. So for communities to work, they need really good public spaces and community gathering places that people actually use. So you see a friend out shopping, or sitting in the square eating a beaver-tail, or at the playground.

 

All of this has fed into a feeling where people are scared of their communities, don't want to go out in them or let their kids out, and we've become increasingly resentful of other people supposedly butting into our business.

 

But I think it absolutely contributes to depression. Loneliness and isolation and stress - which fear contributes to - can make a small blip on the radar become something much more serious. Lack of support is one of the biggest indicators for ppd, for example.

[melissel]

You need to come up here by me!

 

:lol: I don't associate "up" in this state with cheaper though! I'd go just about anywhere in NJ that's less expensive. We chose the middle because of where we were both working when we bought. Of course, a year later, DH was working somewhere else and I was working from home :banghead:

 

Then again, if they pass the HSing reg. bill, we might as well just move to PA like my parents want us to!

[justamouse]

 

I think this is also a great time to reach out. I plan on making some cookies or something and taking to a few neighbors.

 

That's how I met people. I gave everyone small loaves of gingerbread with a orange zest glaze, I bagged them and tied them up pretty-and the snowball started. :001_smile: They sent cookies back, and now it's hysterical, it's about to start-it's just cookies and breads and small presents back and forth -the kids zig zagging everywhere. :D But that small loaf of gingerbread started it all.

 

Thanks for the hugs! If we are ever able to move, we will NEVER live out in the country again! We don't even do anything with our land - I'm horrible with plants, no farm animals, etc.

 

I think it's different for big farmers-you can talk to them and they have a community and a real bond. It's when you've got acreage and not so much of a farm that you're stuck.

 

Ds and I looked at each other and said, "look, actual people, out and about." :lol:

 

People walk ALL OVER here. Fifteen to twenty people a day walk past my house, walking tier dogs, jogging, just talking with eachother.

 

Some people would read that an cringe-and I used to be one of them, honestly. I wanted my hobby farm, and all that. But it just got too hard and too lonely. I'd rather walk to the farmer's market down the street. :001_smile: And I only have .6 acres now, but you know, when you're gardening a lot of it, it's STILL a lot of work-almost too much for me.

[justamouse]

:lol: I don't associate "up" in this state with cheaper though! I'd go just about anywhere in NJ that's less expensive. We chose the middle because of where we were both working when we bought. Of course, a year later, DH was working somewhere else and I was working from home :banghead:

 

Then again, if they pass the HSing reg. bill, we might as well just move to PA like my parents want us to!

PA isn't bad!

[elegantlion]

 

People walk ALL OVER here. Fifteen to twenty people a day walk past my house, walking tier dogs, jogging, just talking with eachother.

 

Some people would read that an cringe-and I used to be one of them, honestly. I wanted my hobby farm, and all that. But it just got too hard and too lonely. I'd rather walk to the farmer's market down the street. :001_smile: And I only have .6 acres now, but you know, when you're gardening a lot of it, it's STILL a lot of work-almost too much for me.

 

Oh, yes, my dog loves to watch out the window. 3.99 blinds create the privacy we need because of the neighbor proximity. People ride their lawnmowers to the convenience store on the corner. We have a front porch and a side porch and a deck. I could sit outside and watch traffic all day. But it's too cold now, and, unlike NJ, our nearest coastline is more than a day away. If it were near a beach, it would be close to perfect.

[Heather in Neverland]

For me it is because I am an introvert and a homebody. So I relish my quiet weekends. We do get together maybe once a month with another family we are close with but that is about it.

[kewb]

Lack of community/support can definitely play a part in depression.

 

I am an introvert and most of the time I would rather not be social. It is very emotionally draining for me. It takes a lot of mental prep and then I need a full day of down time after the event.

 

My dh loves to be surrounded by people 24/7.

 

Our neighbors, we are cordial. We chat for a few minutes when we are outside. But dh and I never fit in with our neighbors. In the beginning I tried. I would invite them all over if we were having a barbecue and some even came but the invites were never reciprocated. I had to find community elsewhere. It took me over a decade but I finally have a few friends who are truly friends.

[KrissiK]

I think it's a lack of community in the sense of really having people with whom we can be real, open up and give and get support. I'm speaking for myself here, but I'm one who goes to church and people ask me, "How's it going?" and I smile and say, "Oh, great! Busy!" And truth be told, I'm struggling. I'd love to have someone I can just let it all out with. Hubby is great, but he's a man and he just doesn't understand. It is hard to get together with my friends, I do have them. But, one gf isn't someone I can just unload on. I'd probably scare her. I keep a lot of things inside me because I feel like if I let go even a little, I'd completely come unglued. I could probably benefit from anti-depressants, but what I"d really like is a friend. Who lived next door. And had kids around my kids' ages.

[bookfiend]

Yes, and I think another factor is misplaced priorities. In the homeschooling race to have the most academically superior child, families have scheduled themselves down to the last minute. So although people are together, everything is focussed around the activity, and it gives the illusion of relationship. In reality, it is pretty lonely.

 

Our family made the conscious decision to withdraw from several activites both school and church because we were always busy and simultaeously lonely. When X season ended, we didn't have any continued interaction with those families. The associations were ankle deep. These were not the friends who comfort you in times of stress.

 

It is hard to be the one not doing ____(insert any fabulous class/activity here). However, we do seem to have more genuine relationships now - and the time to develop them.

 

I think there are a lot of different things that have contributed to the problem. I've experienced in rural and suburban settings as well.

 

In both cases, the car I think is a huge factor, and television. People don't need to go out into the community to find fun, they can watch tv or use the computer at home. And when they do go out, it is in the car, so they are not necessarily in their own neighbourhood.

 

In the rural areas, it has meant people drive into the big town to shop and for excitment, and a lot of the services have left the countryside - stores and banks and even schools. And rural areas are being depopulated fast, which exagerates the problem. When we get our food from China, no one needs to live in the farming areas.

 

In suburbs like I'm in now, there are no real gathering places. It's just bad design, starting with whole blocks of single family dwellings and no other uses allowed, so the streets are mostly deserted in the days and most of the time when most people are at work. And there are some strip malls and stuff in walking distance, and a library. Not really places you walk and hang out, because they are in the middle of huge parking lots. There aren't even many sidewalks.

 

There has been quite a lot of research done on how people maintain friendships and feel socially connected, and the biggest issue is that it doesn't work if people need to call up their friends and make plans. People feel connected when they meet their friends and neighbours regularly as they go about their daily business. So for communities to work, they need really good public spaces and community gathering places that people actually use. So you see a friend out shopping, or sitting in the square eating a beaver-tail, or at the playground.

 

All of this has fed into a feeling where people are scared of their communities, don't want to go out in them or let their kids out, and we've become increasingly resentful of other people supposedly butting into our business.

 

But I think it absolutely contributes to depression. Loneliness and isolation and stress - which fear contributes to - can make a small blip on the radar become something much more serious. Lack of support is one of the biggest indicators for ppd, for example.

[Julie Smith]

There has been quite a lot of research done on how people maintain friendships and feel socially connected, and the biggest issue is that it doesn't work if people need to call up their friends and make plans. People feel connected when they meet their friends and neighbours regularly as they go about their daily business. So for communities to work, they need really good public spaces and community gathering places that people actually use. So you see a friend out shopping, or sitting in the square eating a beaver-tail, or at the playground.

 

I must admit that is one of the reasons my kids take piano lessons. After the lesson the piano teacher, my friend almost always stays for a chit chat visit with me. This week after lessons we are having lunch. :) (In the dinning room while the kids play computer games in the other room)

 

I try to have events with friends built into the schedule in a have to way. Do I have to see my piano teacher once a week for a chit chat visit. No. But my kids have to have a weekly piano lesson.

 

Do I have to visit with so and so once a week. No. But I do 'have' to take my kids skating once a week at the rec. center.

 

So I try my best to combines things that have to be done with friendships. I also rarely drive, so that helps. There is a very big difference to bumping into someone while walking vs. bumping into them while driving.

 

I still would like more community then I have. It's a consistent work in process.

[astrid]

Yes, I am. Our last straw was when the minister suggested that I get on anti-depressants "to help you conform".

 

:auto:

 

:blink::eek::blink:

 

Holy Stepford!!!

 

Seriously-- that's just so far beyond sick, it sounds like the premise for a screen play.

 

astrid

[justamouse]

I think there are a lot of different things that have contributed to the problem. I've experienced in rural and suburban settings as well.

 

In both cases, the car I think is a huge factor, and television. People don't need to go out into the community to find fun, they can watch tv or use the computer at home. And when they do go out, it is in the car, so they are not necessarily in their own neighbourhood.

 

 

This is what Bowling Alone said-me, a I will not schedule my kid's TV person, read that books and was *astonished* at how the TV has negatively impacted our lives.

 

In the rural areas, it has meant people drive into the big town to shop and for excitment, and a lot of the services have left the countryside - stores and banks and even schools. And rural areas are being depopulated fast, which exagerates the problem. When we get our food from China, no one needs to live in the farming areas.

 

In suburbs like I'm in now, there are no real gathering places. It's just bad design, starting with whole blocks of single family dwellings and no other uses allowed, so the streets are mostly deserted in the days and most of the time when most people are at work. And there are some strip malls and stuff in walking distance, and a library. Not really places you walk and hang out, because they are in the middle of huge parking lots. There aren't even many sidewalks.

 

There has been quite a lot of research done on how people maintain friendships and feel socially connected, and the biggest issue is that it doesn't work if people need to call up their friends and make plans. People feel connected when they meet their friends and neighbours regularly as they go about their daily business. So for communities to work, they need really good public spaces and community gathering places that people actually use. So you see a friend out shopping, or sitting in the square eating a beaver-tail, or at the playground.

 

All of this has fed into a feeling where people are scared of their communities, don't want to go out in them or let their kids out, and we've become increasingly resentful of other people supposedly butting into our business.

 

But I think it absolutely contributes to depression. Loneliness and isolation and stress - which fear contributes to - can make a small blip on the radar become something much more serious. Lack of support is one of the biggest indicators for ppd, for example.

 

 

:iagree:

 

One of the reasons we choose THIS Town is it's layout. The square, the main street, the stores, eateries...those make way for things like the galleries, and the theater that just reopened. It's a pleasure to walk around town.

[Susan in TN]

I think there are a lot of different things that have contributed to the problem. I've experienced in rural and suburban settings as well.

 

In both cases, the car I think is a huge factor, and television. People don't need to go out into the community to find fun, they can watch tv or use the computer at home. And when they do go out, it is in the car, so they are not necessarily in their own neighbourhood.

 

 

 

Sorry if this has already been mentioned, but air conditioning has also been a major factor - especially in cities. Used to be that folks would sit out on their porches and spend way more time outside when it was hot, hollar "hello" through the open windows.

 

Some people also develop relationships through activities/work more readily than through "social events" like parties and get-togethers. And often it's over a long period of time of regular interaction. For a homeschooling mom like me, who is introverted and initiation/phone phobic (see thread "People Who Never Call", this makes developing friendships very, very difficult, and loneliness/depression very real.

 

I do what I can to be involved in church and with neighbors (who we rarely see), but I know that I was never lonely when I worked in an office part time - even though I never saw those people outside work.

[mommaduck]

:blink::eek::blink:

 

Holy Stepford!!!

 

Seriously-- that's just so far beyond sick, it sounds like the premise for a screen play.

 

astrid

Exactly. Oh the stories I could tell from that ONE year alone.

[melissel]

Exactly. Oh the stories I could tell from that ONE year alone.

 

This deserves its own thread. Really.

[Mommy22alyns]

Yes.

 

I lost friends when I started homeschooling. People who I thought were friends no longer called or invited me out. I do things with other homeschoolers, but they are often busy, ya know, schooling.

 

We specifically moved to a small town thinking there would be a wonderful sense of community and support. It has turned into a nightmare. No one talks to anyone unless they are talking about someone.

 

So yep. Lack of community is probably a big factor.

 

Hah. Our small town is so... I don't know what. We've lived here for 8 years and are still outsiders. Everyone knows everyone and they stay locked in that little clique. It's depressing to take my DD's to gymnastics and be ostracised in the waiting room.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

This deserves its own thread. Really.

 

WSS. :lurk5:

[Dustybug]

. I'm an introvert, so just seeing people occasionally at activities where i'm distracted by trying to keep the 2 year old from wandering off doesn't give me much chance to really get to know people. I need longer blocks of time.

 

This is me too. I need longer time with less distraction!

 

For a homeschooling mom like me, who is introverted and initiation/phone phobic (see thread "People Who Never Call", this makes developing friendships very, very difficult, and loneliness/depression very real.

 

This describes me so well, it is scary. I LOATHE being the initiator because I do not want to impose on someone and make them uncomfortable, etc. Then if I do work up the nerve to do it and I don't get a response or a poor one, I just want to clam back up again.

[Bluegoat]

Sorry if this has already been mentioned, but air conditioning has also been a major factor - especially in cities. Used to be that folks would sit out on their porches and spend way more time outside when it was hot, hollar "hello" through the open windows.

 

Some people also develop relationships through activities/work more readily than through "social events" like parties and get-togethers. And often it's over a long period of time of regular interaction. For a homeschooling mom like me, who is introverted and initiation/phone phobic (see thread "People Who Never Call", this makes developing friendships very, very difficult, and loneliness/depression very real.

 

I do what I can to be involved in church and with neighbors (who we rarely see), but I know that I was never lonely when I worked in an office part time - even though I never saw those people outside work.

 

 

You know, I never thought about this. It isn't that common to have air conditioning here, it just doesn't get hot enough.

 

I agree some people tend to make relationships through work. I think that is also affected by our mobility. If people tended to work close to where they lived, that would make for a much tighter community. As well, because two income families are pretty common, I think it can be extra lonely for moms at home.