s/o Santa and disappointment as kids...

[Lovthesurf]

Santa isn't real?

[Hwin]

My mom swore up and down he was real when I was small, but as I was older, she would ask, "Well, what do you think?" and then finally (when I was 12 :glare: ) she admitted he wasn't real because she needed my help wrapping presents and stuffing stockings for the little ones.

 

I feel kind of stupid for believing in it that long, but not betrayed. But it wasn't traumatic.

 

My son has never been told Santa is real and the plan was never to do Santa... but his favorite movie is the Polar Express, and he really wants to believe in it. He was even making up excuses for reasons Santa didn't leave presents (we don't have a proper chimney being the main reason.) I mean, we would have to be pretty grinchy to keep insisting there is no Santa. So we'll play along this year and re-evaluate next year.

Edited December 5, 2011 by Hwin

[Jenny in Florida]

I think that by skipping "Santa" you do not risk your child feeling betrayed - but you also risk your child not feeling the magicalness of Santa. Maybe there are ways to keep the magicalness of Christmas without Santa - it is hard for me to figure out as Santa/Christmas and childhood are pretty intertwined for me.

 

Let's see, we have all kinds of family traditions around the holidays, ranging from small (reading the same books and advent calendar story every year) to bigger (attending holiday shows and concerts). We hang stockings on Christmas Eve. In fact, my husband and I fill stockings for each other and have a friendly competition (which I always win) about who will get there last and surprise the other one.

 

We decorate our tree together, using ornaments we've collected over the years. Each child gets two new ornaments every year, one they pick out and another that I make for them.

 

On Christmas Eve, we go to church and then drive around looking at holiday lights.

 

Oh, so many things. We still do surprises and magic. We just make it a game that we play together, rather than having the adults mislead or lie to the kids.

[bluemongoose]

I pretty much figured it out on my own and even though my parents tried diligently to convince me he was real, I didnt feel betrayed.

 

My DH did feel betrayed and wondered what else his parents were lying to him about.

 

I think a lot of it boils down to personality. My DD is just like my DH, we told her the truth from the beginning and since she didnt believe at a very young age, neither did my younger kids. They do not seem to feel a loss of "magic" as they still love to pretend. I have no problem pretending Santa with my kids, and they have no problem knowing that it can be fun even if it is not all real. It is much the same as when they are pretending to be a puppy or a snake.:lol:

 

And I did coach them to not blow it for other kids who really do believe in Santa!

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

I'd have to ask my parents but I think I questioned Santa pretty young (under 5). We had a talk at that age that focused more on what I thought and what I wanted to believe. We also discussed the importance of the spirit of Santa vs. the importance of it literally being one person. I did not feel betrayed. My parents fill my stocking with one or two items (ie my favorite chocolates) even by mail every year. And I still get the odd gift from Santa. Knowing doesn't lessen the fun ;)

 

I find it odd that my kids have never asked. But, to be fair, I have never questioned them about it.

[Word Nerd]

We still do stockings and have a big, unopened gift on Christmas morning that the kids find after following clues and going on a treasure hunt that takes them all over the house and outside—even when we spend Christmas at someone else's house. The kids simply know who the gifts are from at the beginning instead of finding out later. We do chocolate Advent calendars, read Christmas books in December, and have other family traditions that make the season special. The idea that my kids are being deprived of the magic of Christmas just doesn't ring true to me. IMHO, people who can't fathom how Christmas could possibly be magical or exciting without perpetuating the Santa myth don't have much creativity or faith in children's ability to use their imaginations without it being orchestrated by adults. And Santa hardly owns the market on the fun and excitement of surprises or on teaching the importance of giving.

[Plucky]

My kids don't think I lied to them about Santa. My youngest refuses to not belief. She was a little upset that Santa didn't exist, but she also cried when we hauled out the old oven from the kitchen and replaced it with a new one. Some people and kids are going to be very literal, and overly sensitive. Nothing you can do about that.

 

I'm guessing that a person that felt lied to about Santa harbors even more against their parents than just pretending during the holidays. I'd rather teach my kids that we can have fun, pretend, make memories, and learn not to take everything so stinking seriously. Parents will make mistakes and fail kids, even homeschool parents. If we were perfect our kids would be even more screwed up because they'd never be able to match our perfection. Save the emotions for important things like shopping carts! LOL

[kathymuggle]

And Santa hardly owns the market on the fun and excitement of surprises or on teaching the importance of giving.

 

No - he doesn't.

 

Indeed, I actually think Santa should only give one gift (certainly only one when the kids are older) so that kids can appreciate the generosity others are showing them. It can also cut down on the comparisons "hey, John got five gifts from Santa and I only got two!" It might also ease the transition from believing in Santa to not believing (a weaning, as you will)

[Word Nerd]

I'd rather teach my kids that we can have fun, pretend, make memories, and learn not to take everything so stinking seriously.

 

I do all of these things with my children, too.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I was the 3rd of 6 kids, and I probably figured it out around age 7. I played with older kids, some of whom did the "you're a baby if you believe" thing. I wanted to believe. I'd go and ask my parents and they would remind me that Santa doesn't come for those who don't believe. So I would keep thinking about it, and finally the logic against Santa was just too much.

 

However, I still had younger siblings, and playing along was a different but equally wonderful kind of fun.

 

I never felt betrayed or as if my parents were liars. I felt the Santa fantasy was a normal part of life, like so many other mysteries that we eventually figure out. Like the hope that I'd find something I'd lost if I just kept looking, or that a band-aid on a toy would make it heal.

 

For that matter, should we all hate our parents for the lie that "a hug/kiss will make it better"? I mean, technically, . . . .

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Word Nerd]

For that matter, should we all hate our parents for the lie that "a hug/kiss will make it better"? I mean, technically, . . . .

 

Who said anything about hating our parents? :confused:

[melissel]

I'm guessing that a person that felt lied to about Santa harbors even more against their parents than just pretending during the holidays. I'd rather teach my kids that we can have fun, pretend, make memories, and learn not to take everything so stinking seriously.

 

:001_huh: We're talking about children's emotions here, not adults'. And the problem with the idea of pretending and making memories is that the children in question were not let in on the pretending.

 

Is it really so hard to believe that some children might take it hard when they find out their parents, whom they are taught to trust implicitly, and whom they NEED to trust, might take it hard when they find out they were actively lied to, no matter what the intention? I don't think any of us are in therapy over Santa, but we are entitled to our feelings, for pete's sake.

[Plucky]

I do all of these things with my children, too.

 

That is great. I think the problem comes when other people condemn another family's way of doing things. That is always the way the Santa threads turn out. "The families that do Santa are lying and misleading their kids. " Yeah, that is a festive condemnation. :lol:

[jewellsmommy]

 

... Oh, and my DH has a story about Santa that's relevant to this thread. He and his best friend believed in Santa. They were 7 and 8 years old. His friend didn't receive much from "Santa" because his family was poor, while my DH received enough presents to fill an aisle at Toys R Us. When they got together to talk about what Santa brought them, both of them were very confused about why Santa would give my DH so much and his friend so little. DH's friend was devastated, thinking he must have been really bad in the past year to deserve so little. He was too ashamed of his (imagined) bad behavior to ask his parents about it. My DH tried to console him and tell him that he didn't think his friend had been that bad and there must have been some mistake -- or Santa was being unfair for some reason. The friend remained unconvinced. ...

 

 

 

I remember inquiring about the discrepancy between Santa gifts. My mother explained to me that because there were so many children and money was tight in a lot of places, that parents needed to contribute to santa's fund. Some parents were able to give more than others. Santa always did the best he could for all the children.

 

 

I did not have one moment where I went from belief to the truth. I think it was a gradual process as I matured/aged. I don't know how to explain it. But, I saw the whole thing for what it was. There was no malice. The intent was to bring imagination to life. The intent was good natured. I became part of it myself at a young age because I am 7.5 yr older than my brother. I tried to help my parents keep santa alive for my brother. Once he was a teenager and I was out of the house, then santa gifts were stopped.

Edited December 5, 2011 by jewellsmommy

[Guest]

Santa isn't real?

 

No. Sorry you had to hear this way. ;)

[Plucky]

:001_huh: We're talking about children's emotions here, not adults'. And the problem with the idea of pretending and making memories is that the children in question were not let in on the pretending.

 

Is it really so hard to believe that some children might take it hard when they find out their parents, whom they are taught to trust implicitly, and whom they NEED to trust, might take it hard when they find out they were actively lied to, no matter what the intention? I don't think any of us are in therapy over Santa, but we are entitled to our feelings, for pete's sake.

 

I don't know it kind of sounds like some are in therapy for it. If you don't want to do Santa - don't. No one is making you.

[melissel]

I don't know it kind of sounds like some are in therapy for it. If you don't want to do Santa - don't. No one is making you.

 

Because we're talking about how we felt and feel about our experience with the Santa story? Isn't that the question that was asked of us? We're having a discussion. Some people feel one way, some people feel another. Some people might get their feathers ruffled when they're answering the OP frankly (since we were ASKED what our experience was) and others are suggesting that they are overly sensitive and must have deep-seated resentment against their parents. I hold nothing at all against my parents, because I know they did the best they knew how, and hindsight is 20/20.

 

I completely get the whole thing, and I even did Santa with my own kids. But that doesn't negate how I felt when I did find out the truth as a child. Those feelings were real, and looking back on them as an adult doesn't make them less so. And that is what the OP wanted to know.

 

And I could say the same thing. If you want to do Santa, then do. No one is making you do otherwise.

[Upward Journey]

My father remembers feeling very betrayed as a child. Because of this we were always told flat out that Santa wasn't real. I don't feel like I was deprived of anything. This is what we did with our own children as well.

 

That said, two of mine went through a phase where they insisted that Santa was real. We (adults & older siblings) had a lot of fun playing along. :)

[TranquilMind]

I think that by skipping "Santa" you do not risk your child feeling betrayed - but you also risk your child not feeling the magicalness of believing in Santa

 

Who said anything about "skipping" Santa? We didn't avoid the story or not let our kids watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer or anything like that. We just never lied to them, telling them Santa was coming to bring them presents. We treated the story like all those other childhood stories about princesses and heroes.

 

THere was a year when they said they were just going to believe Santa would come that year just for fun. Fine by me. I think we even signed a couple of gifts from "Santa" and left out cookies.

 

So long as I wasn't the source of a bald-faced lie that might come back to bite me, reducing my credibility when I require honesty, they can pretend all they want and I'll play right along with them. Just so long as we all understand that we are pretending and we are all in on the game.

[TranquilMind]

That said, two of mine went through a phase where they insisted that Santa was real. We (adults & older siblings) had a lot of fun playing along. :)

 

Yeah, us too! It's perfectly fine when it is child-directed!

[TranquilMind]

I didnt feel betrayed.

 

My DH did feel betrayed and wondered what else his parents were lying to him about.

 

I think a lot of it boils down to personality.

 

Yes. And I just don't think you know at a very early age how highly that particular child is going to value truth and honesty in all things when they find out their parents lied to them. Some will be fine, like you. Some will be upset, like your husband.

 

It's a risk I wasn't willing to take.

[jenangelcat]

I don't really remember. I do remember that the come clean moment was when I asked about the handwriting on the tags. Still we continued with Santa because it's fun to pretend. No disappointment.

 

With my own kids we do Santa but not as extreme as mom did it. Instead of having thousands of presents from Santa, they get one joint one and stockings. Everything else is from mom and dad. There's no letters to Santa and no sitting on his lap at the mall. The season is about family, not the big jolly elf. It's still fun but Santa isn't the focus.

 

A couple of weeks ago my 5 year old asked me if Santa was real. I told her no that he is just a pretend game we play at Christmas. She was fine. The other day my 3 year old said "we don't have to wait until Christmas to open the presents because Daddy is Santa". She is also not traumatized.

 

The baby hasn't figured it out yet.

[SKL]

Here's a thought that just popped into my mind. Maybe the kids who are hurt the worst are those whose parents have developed a strong sense of truth/honesty before dispelling the myth.

 

Now, my parents were very big on honesty. BUT this is not something you necessarily get serious about with very young children. My kids right now (age 4/5) are toying with lying and finding out that Mom isn't as dumb as they hope she is. I'm only recently starting to develop the concept of the importance of honesty. I am not a real stickler about it yet. I remember being a kid and I know that fibs are a natural part of the mix up to a certain age.

 

The trend I have noticed is that the kids who get most upset about the Santa "lie" are often on the older side. They have developed a keen sense of the value of honesty, taught by their parents, and then found out about the "lie."

 

Personally, I think it's preferable to not keep building on the myth with a child older than about 6/7, for a couple of reasons. One, because socially, it would be unconfortable to be the last to find out. Two, because of the parental trust / hypocrasy issue. But, I don't think either of these issues is a concern for most kids under age 7.

[TranquilMind]

ETA:

For me, the 'magic' of Christmas never disappeared. Christmas is really about Jesus, and the magic of Santa is really the magic of God's love for us.

 

 

 

Same here!

[zaichiki]

Other

 

If I remember correctly, I asked once. My mother replied that the presents from Santa are given to those who believe in him. Then, if memory serves me correctly, she smiled and winked and that was the end of it. I continued to enjoy celebrating Christmas with gifts from Santa and even helped my mother wrap some things for my younger brother.

[TranquilMind]

SKL: Here's a thought that just popped into my mind. Maybe the kids who are hurt the worst are those whose parents have developed a strong sense of truth/honesty before dispelling the myth.

 

 

I think you might be onto something here. Honesty was VERY important to us, even as young children. In fact, my Mom always said about me, "You are the most honest of all my children". Like, all her life, from time to time. It really IS very important to me. I can't live with myself if I even leave a false impression.

 

Now, my parents were very big on honesty. BUT this is not something you necessarily get serious about with very young children. My kids right now (age 4/5) are toying with lying and finding out that Mom isn't as dumb as they hope she is. I'm only recently starting to develop the concept of the importance of honesty. I am not a real stickler about it yet. I remember being a kid and I know that fibs are a natural part of the mix up to a certain age.

 

 

See, I did get serious about it early, probably because it was treated seriously early for me, to the best of my recollection. Probably not my best parenting move, as one of my kids took awhile to upload the "immediate truth telling" program. He did always tell me the truth, just not right away, which led to some negative consequences for him, and even with others. Finally got that squared away. Maybe I should have not been such a stickler really early on that. Don't know.

The trend I have noticed is that the kids who get most upset about the Santa "lie" are often on the older side. They have developed a keen sense of the value of honesty, taught by their parents, and then found out about the "lie."

 

 

That's it right there. Don't teach me never to lie and then lie to me.

 

 

 

 

Personally, I think it's preferable to not keep building on the myth with a child older than about 6/7, for a couple of reasons. One, because socially, it would be unconfortable to be the last to find out. Two, because of the parental trust / hypocrasy issue. But, I don't think either of these issues is a concern for most kids under age 7.

 

 

Agreed, but I was under 7 and they should have not done it at all or abandoned it far earlier.

Edited December 5, 2011 by TranquilMind

[zaichiki]

In my house we all do Santa, but I drop hints to the whole crew during Advent. Those who are attentive/discerning enough add them up and realize we're all just having fun. If they ask me directly, we talk about it in private and I ask them what *they* think.

 

Hints:

We talk about the way other cultures "do" Santa differently, about what his name means, about the various stories of Santa and how they've changed over time, about what caused Rudolph to first appear in the American celebration of Santa, etc. We also talk about Nicholas, the Bishop of Myrna and how Santa is modeled on him. I use these words... but we don't discuss this all at once... I drop bits in here and there in a VERY relaxed fashion. We still get presents from Santa, leave cookies and milk for him (and carrots for the reindeer), and leave a magic key on the handle for him to enter the house in the night. We read Santa poems/books and watch Santa movies. The kids REALLY like The Santa Clause movies with Tim Allen.

 

As they get older they put two and two together and there's no "sudden realization of anything remotely connected to a lie."

[Jenny in Florida]

Here's a thought that just popped into my mind. Maybe the kids who are hurt the worst are those whose parents have developed a strong sense of truth/honesty before dispelling the myth.

 

Again, not in my case. My parents were . . . flexible . . . about the truth. I knew that from an early age and just assumed it was the way people are. It came in handy when my mother would write notes excusing me from school so that I could go to Disneyland with family from out of town, for example, but it was still incredibly painful to know they lied to me, too.

 

Edit: Also, although it pains me to admit it, I was not an especially honest kid. I didn't develop a strong sense of honesty and integrity until I was a young adult (which was a very long time after I found out about Santa).

Edited December 5, 2011 by Jenny in Florida

[BatmansWife]

I didn't vote, because none of the choices fit my circumstance. But.....I have heard someone (a really long time ago) say that once they found out that Santa was not real, the wondered if God was not real and if He was just a lie too.

Edited December 5, 2011 by ~AprilMay~

[edelweiss]

I didn't vote because you didn't have my option there - I never asked my parents if he was real - I figured it out myself and never said anything to them.

 

Yes I was disappointed when I found out -it took the magic out of Christmas for me but I don't remember thinking I was lied to at all or feeling betrayed.

 

I just hated on the fact I had to grow up and know the truth.

 

 

This is how I felt. I was so sad that the magic of Christmas was over. It has truly never felt the same since. :crying: I am SO grateful that I have those years (and the accompanying memories) of that magical, wonderful time.

 

Once we no longer have believers in our house, I think we'll change our Christmases a good bit. Once the magic is gone, we'll likely tone the holidays way down since we don't need to maintain the illusion anymore. We'll still give gifts, but we'll probably stop decorating the house and just go on a two week vacation somewhere instead of celebrating Christmas the traditional way.

[SailorMom]

Re: a developed sense of honesty...

 

Uh - no. Not in our case. I was an extremely honest child, my parents always taught me that if I did something wrong, I'd get in trouble, but if I did something wrong and then lied - I'd be in extreme trouble. We have always taught our kids the same. Honesty is valued over almost everything else we have taught our kids.

 

I think the difference is that I saw that my parents were doing this to create a happy, magical time for me. Sorta like when DH guesses correctly what he is gettting for Christmas and I lie and tell him he is wrong.... He certainly doesn't feel betrayed. These were not lies to hurt or decieve, in fact - I don't even classify them as lies, per se.

[myfunnybunch]

Here's a thought that just popped into my mind. Maybe the kids who are hurt the worst are those whose parents have developed a strong sense of truth/honesty before dispelling the myth.

 

Interesting idea, but it doesn't necessarily play out in my case. Actually, not in the case of many families we know who play Santa. Honesty was very important to my parents, as it is in my own family and to many families we know who play Santa. I suspect my sister and I (and my own children) never thought of it in terms of truth/lie in the first place. We thought of it as a fantasy, like so many others. For a while we believed we had fairies in our forest too.

 

Now that I think of it, my parents (and I with my own children) read stories about Santa, filled stockings, left Santa presents under the tree, and even one year took the old sleigh bells out on the roof to jingle. But no one ever told us flat out that Santa was a real person.

 

Sigh....my kids don't believe this year. This spring the Tooth Fairy thought she could slip fifty cents into the tooth cup while backs were turned and got caught. There was laughter and teasing, and eventually the gig was up for Santa too. I'm looking forward to eating Santa's cookies together and filling stockings together and not waiting until the younger ones fall asleep, but I'm going to miss being Santa this year. :)

 

And a general note after reading the entire thread: I think there's room for families who do play the fantasy to do Santa without being called liars. Many people have said they're not comfortable lying to their own children, which is fine, but some are expanding that to characterize all people who play Santa as liars. FWIW, I also think there's room for families to not play along without being held up as grinches or accused of crushing the magic right out of childhood. *shrug* To each his own, right?

 

Cat

[Jenny in Florida]

Because we're talking about how we felt and feel about our experience with the Santa story? Isn't that the question that was asked of us? We're having a discussion. Some people feel one way, some people feel another. Some people might get their feathers ruffled when they're answering the OP frankly (since we were ASKED what our experience was) and others are suggesting that they are overly sensitive and must have deep-seated resentment against their parents.

 

I have to say that I hope some of these folks aren't as dismissive of their children's feelings as they have been of ours here. (And I don't mean just about Santa.)

[wapiti]

My dd10 is finally starting to come around - no one her age that she knows still believes. But, she keeps asking me, repeatedly, in front of the others :glare:. So, I've been vague. I'd rather just drop hints and let her figure it out for herself. Then yesterday somehow she emailed Santa and got a response. The ds8s are skeptical but REALLY want to believe, and I'd like this one last Christmas to have the Santa magic for them. Ds5 and ds3 are just getting INTO it, lol. Dd 2 has no clue.

[Scarlett]

I haven't read the thread, so I apologize if it has gone down a rabbit trail and my point is no longer relevant....

 

We never celebrated the holidays, was never told any version of Santa or any of that...but I do have a VERY vivid memory of what I felt to be deceit and I remember how shocked and hurt I felt. ANd I'd like to add that I believe my mom to be one of the most honesty people on the planet.

 

I was 5. There was snow on the ground. Birds were out pecking trying to find something to eat. My mom said, 'hey, did you know if you put salt on a birds tail you can catch it?' I chased those dumb birds ALL OVER the yard for hours trying to get salt on its tail. :glare:

 

I am sure she had a good laugh. A few years later when I had a lightbulb moment and realized it was a TRICK, I asked her about it. She laughed and said it wasn't a lie, that indeed if I got close enough to salt a bird's tail I could catch it.' I've never gotten over it. And she still isn't sorry!

 

And that is all I have to say about that.

[Mommy22alyns]

My experience doesn't really fit in the poll answers. I was about 6 and in first grade and my parents asked me right before Christmas if I had any questions about Santa. So I said, if he comes down the chimney, why hasn't he ever left the fireplace door open? And why does Santa's handwriting look so much like Daddy's? Well, Christmas came and the fireplace door was left open and Santa's handwriting was different. I put 2 and 2 together and that was that. I didn't feel betrayed or upset at all though.

[Mimm]

I was about five when I asked and my mother told me the truth immediately. I rushed home to tell my younger brothers so Santa was spoiled pretty early on for us. We didn't feel betrayed, I think because we were so young. I don't do Santa with my kids. It always seemed like kind of bizarre lie.

[JeneralMom]

I was 3yo when my big brother came home from Kindy really upset because a 6th grader had told him the truth. I mentioned Santa and he told me to stop being such a baby and that Santa wasn't real. My mum says it is the only time she saw him being purposely cruel to me. So, I have no memory of believing in Santa. My DS7 asked when he was 4 and I told him the truth only to find out that he had known the whole time. So, we told DS8 the same year (he was 5yo). DD5 found out when she was 4 and was totally fine with it.

 

Strangely, I have the same conversation with them every year. For 11 months of the year they acknowledge that Santa isn't real, but a lovely myth, but in Dec. they totally get sucked in and believe until X-Mas is over.

[melissel]

Strangely, I have the same conversation with them every year. For 11 months of the year they acknowledge that Santa isn't real, but a lovely myth, but in Dec. they totally get sucked in and believe until X-Mas is over.

 

:lol: We have the same problem with the Tooth Fairy! They know all about the Easter Bunny and Santa, but for some reason, the Tooth Fairy persists! I sort of half go along with it, because I suspect they're just caught up in the magic and having fun, but sometimes I'm not so sure :001_huh:

[Garga]

When my son was small, maybe 4 or 5, I caught him doing something when my head was turned. He asked, "How did you see me?!" and I said, "I have eyes on the back of my head." Now, I didn't mean it literally. I meant it in the figurative sense that people say it and didn't think much of it.

 

A few weeks later he tried to find the eyes on the back of my head. I didn't know what he was talking about, but after a few minutes I figured it out. When he discovered that I didn't have eyes on the back of my head, he was sooooo shocked that I'd "lied" about it. It's reeeeally hard to explain to a literal 4/5 yo that "eyes on the back of my head" is just a slang phrase.

 

Because of that I'm SO GLAD we never did Santa. Apparently, my son would have been one of those kids upset to know I'd purposely lied to him. It was bad enough that he misinterpreted my "eyes on the back of my head" phrase.

 

 

1. My parents did Santa.

2. I figured it out about 8.

3. I didn't feel betrayed.

4. Even though I never felt betrayed, now that I'm an adult, I can't not think of the Santa thing as anything other than lying. I know that many people do not agree with me, but, in my mind, it's simply lying.

5. I have a very hard time lying. Even when I had to play dodge ball in school, and I was the nerdy kid that everyone hated, and I just wanted to get OUT of the game, I couldn't lie to pretend that I'd been hit and get to the sidelines. No, I was so truthful that I stayed there with the boys taking pot shots at me with the dodge ball.

6. I canNOT make myself tell the kids that something is true, when I KNOW that it's not. I just can't seem to do it. I don't even tell them things like, "A kiss will make it all better."

7. I make a BIG DEAL out of Christmas. I'm worse than the kids at times!

8. My kids enjoy the game of pretending Santa is real, and put out cookies, etc. They take the lead on that one, though.

9. We read tons of fairy tales and tell all sorts of goofy stories to each other and play imaginative games.

[Corraleno]

I have to say that I hope some of these folks aren't as dismissive of their children's feelings as they have been of ours here.

 

:iagree:

And I think this raises an interesting question: For those who did feel betrayed, do your parents know you felt that way? If you told them, did they feel badly about it, or dismiss your feelings as "overly sensitive"? Or were you too hurt and upset to even tell them how you felt? I'm thinking there may be quite a few parents out there who think their kids enjoyed "believing" in Santa, when the opposite is true.

 

If someone asked my mother how my siblings and I felt about Santa, I’m sure she'd say we all loved it and it was part of the "magic of Christmas" — which would be true for some of my siblings. But for me, the disconnect between being told, on the one hand, that lying is always wrong, lying is a sin, children who lie don’t get presents from Santa (or go to heaven), and then having my parents lie to me — repeatedly — about Santa, made me question everything else they said.

 

I agree with those who say this is probably a personality thing; some kids will feel betrayed and others won’t be bothered at all. Personally, I do not want to be lied to — by anyone for any reason. If I find out that someone has been lying to me, my trust in them is gone. And if someone tries to tell me that they were lying “for my own good” or “to make me happy,” that just makes it worse, IMHO. My son is like me; honesty and trust are a big deal to him and he would have been devastated if I’d lied to him about Santa. He’s explicitly told me this and has thanked me for not lying. My DD would not have been bothered; she would have been disappointed to find out it wasn’t true, but she wouldn’t consider it “lying.” But then her feelings about what constitutes a “lie” are a lot more... flexible... than mine.

 

Jackie

Edited December 5, 2011 by Corraleno
typos

[Patches]

I was told over and over that he was real. Then was truly devastated when I was finally told the truth. I could not believe that they had lied to me for years.

It actually made me wonder what else was not true that they told me.

 

Many don't react this way I know. It could have been because of being lied to so many times.

[Jenny in Florida]

:iagree: And I think this raises an interesting question: For those who did feel betrayed, do your parents know you felt that way? If you told them, did they feel bad about it, or dismiss your feelings as "overly sensitive"? Or were you too hurt and upset to even tell them how you felt? I'm thinking there may be quite a few parents out there who think their kids enjoyed "believing" in Santa, when the opposite is true.

 

In the moment, I remember being quite angry and running off to my room. Some years later, I did talk to my mother about it. Her reaction was essentially, "Gee, I'm sorry you felt that way. How were we to know it would be such a big deal?"

 

I honestly don't know whether either of the felt badly about it. Hearing that I was making too big a deal about something was pretty common in my life. I don't think they ever really understood that this was different for me.

[Fleur de Lis]

I didn't vote, because none of the choices fit my circumstance. But.....I have heard someone (a really long time ago) say that once they found out that Santa was not real, the wondered if God was not real and if He was just a lie too.

 

DH and I see this as a benefit of not doing Santa in our house.

Edited December 5, 2011 by Fleur de Lis

[FairProspects]

There is no other in the poll. My family never did Santa Claus, we celebrated Saint Nicholas day instead, so there was no disappointment or betrayal. We also celebrate Saint Nicholas day with dc, so no Santa here.

[justamouse]

I wonder of JRR Tolkein's kids felt betrayed when he wrote all of those Father Christmas letters to them.

 

I write letters from the toothfairy. They're about the size of a stamp. I think the kids know, but they're not quite sure and we have a blast with it.

[Corraleno]

This is how I felt. I was so sad that the magic of Christmas was over. It has truly never felt the same since. :crying: I am SO grateful that I have those years (and the accompanying memories) of that magical, wonderful time.

 

Once we no longer have believers in our house, I think we'll change our Christmases a good bit. Once the magic is gone, we'll likely tone the holidays way down since we don't need to maintain the illusion anymore. We'll still give gifts, but we'll probably stop decorating the house and just go on a two week vacation somewhere instead of celebrating Christmas the traditional way.

:confused:

I don't understand the idea that once the kids stop believing that Santa is real, you might as well give up Christmas altogether and just go away on vacation. To me, that seems to argue against telling kids he’s real to begin with. My kids have never gone through that level of disapointment, so Christmas has never lost it’s “magic†for us. We put up the tree the day after Thanksgiving, decorate the house with candles and evergreens and paper snowflakes, bake cookies, make presents for friends and family, play board games, have hot chocolate by the fire, listen to Christmas carols, and thoroughly revel in the season.

 

The fact that I've never tried to convince them that reindeer can actually defy the laws of physics and fly through the air, or that a fat guy in a red suit can really truly slide down millions of chimneys in one night (or that children in other countries who don't believe in Santa don't deserve any presents :glare:), doesn't in any way diminish their experience of Christmas — or even their enjoyment of Santa as a fairy tale character. They still like watching Santa movies, reading The Night Before Christmas, putting Santa decorations on the tree, etc. DD's teddy bears don't need to actually talk and drink tea in order for "tea parties" to be fun — pretending works just fine. Knowing that Hogwarts doesn't really exist doesn't diminish my kids pleasure in reading about it, or in playing Harry & Hermione. Knowing that a "fort" is made out of sheets and furniture doesn't "ruin" it's value.

 

I'm all for imaginative play and pretending. The issue for me, as a child, was being told — repeatedly — that Santa was not pretend.

 

Jackie

[justamouse]

That's cute.

 

When my first found out he was kinda like "oh darn I figured it out". He was a tad disappointed, but I explained that I believe in the magic of Santa and we can still have fun with it. So he is fine and he plays along.

 

My favorite Christmas memory as a child was waking up telling everyone I had heard Santa on the roof- and I totally believed it. It was my papa, stomping around up there for my benefit, but I still hold it in my heart as precious and magical.

[kathymuggle]

:

 

If someone asked my mother how my siblings and I felt about Santa, I’m sure she'd say we all loved it and it was part of the "magic of Christmas" — which would be true for some of my siblings. But for me, the disconnect between being told, on the one hand, that lying is always wrong, lying is a sin, children who lie don’t get presents from Santa (or go to heaven), and then having my parents to lie to me — repeatedly — about Santa, made me question everything else they said.

 

I agree with those who say this is probably a personality thing....

 

Jackie

 

I agree personality might be a factor in feelings of betrayal.

 

My parents did not make a big deal out of telling the truth. They acknowledged that sometimes they told "white lies" and I never felt that children who lie don't get presents or go to heaven (both God and Santa were presented to me as more forgiving than that;) )

 

Maybe it is the other messages around lying etc that are as important as the messages around Santa?

 

Sorry some of you are hurt over the issue. I don't think wondering if maybe you were sensitive kids (some kids are!) or why you might feel that way is dismissive, though. On the flip side, those on the pro Santa side are being told we are deceiving and lying to our children (technically true - but without any acknowledgment of why we might do so). I don't think any side on this thread can claim moral high ground for posting.

[Plucky]

 

And a general note after reading the entire thread: I think there's room for families who do play the fantasy to do Santa without being called liars. Many people have said they're not comfortable lying to their own children, which is fine, but some are expanding that to characterize all people who play Santa as liars. FWIW, I also think there's room for families to not play along without being held up as grinches or accused of crushing the magic right out of childhood. *shrug* To each his own, right?

 

Cat

 

:iagree: This is pretty much what I was trying to get at, even if it my post was less articulate. :)