How do you handle when your kid walks in on you and dh???

[JulieH]

I could just about DIE this morning. DIE I tell you!!!

 

My son, about to turn 10, who also has aspergers, snuck into our bedroom in the middle of the night. We had NO idea he was there and wide away from 3am on. He is very very quiet. He also has huge night time anxiety as it is.

 

Well, figures this morning, dh and I wake really early and well...ya know...

 

I had even asked him "there's no kid in here right?" as he had gotten up to turn off the alarm clock. "no..just the dog..I checked" was his answer. So, afterwards, he gets up for work and who is in there at the very foot of our bed, face down with his fingers in his ears, but my SON.

 

He is completely freaked out. I tried to talk to him earlier and he would not speak. We have never had "the talk" yet.

 

Eventually, I tried to talk to him again and he was a little more responsive. What I said was that mommy and daddy were sharing special time together and that is a way moms and dads show their love for each other. I said I was NOT mad at him for coming into my room, and also that we had no idea he was in there or that never would have happened and I was so sorry for not checking better.

 

I used this as an opportunity to say that he is always welcome to come to our room if he's scared or anxious but that he needs to knock on the door and that he is always welcome to wake me up in the middle of the night if he needs me, but that he needs to let me know he's come to my room. I then re-iterated that I was NOT upset he came into my room last night. I kind of likened it to not walking into a bathroom if the door is closed, you always knock, or at least say "is anyone in there?".

 

I do not have a lock on our bedroom door. I guess the reason is that so far in my twenty years of parenting I haven't needed it yet. There will be one on the door in the next 24 hours. :001_smile:

 

My son is SO literal and has the most vivid imagination of anyone I know. I'm afraid he's going to think his parents turn into aliens or something in the middle of the night. I'm so afraid he's not able to process the "special time/ love each other" talk I gave him and that he's just going to be utterly confused and his imagination is going to run away with him. I don't know if I should tell his psychologist about this and get his opinion? ugh..figures it's a guy!

 

Do I buy a book now? I mean, I was ten when I learned about how babies were made--the mechanics. I didn't REALLY learn about it until I was much much older.

 

Will he be ok? or has this truly scarred him?

 

I came downstairs a little while ago, and ds says "mom, I don't think I'll ever fully recover from last night"

 

I sure hope he has the discretion to not just tell this story to the cashier at the grocery store or something (he tends to do things like that...say things in socially inappropriate circumstances)

 

I figured, someone here has to have had something similar happen to them? How did you handle it?

Edited November 30, 2011 by JulieH

[Sevilla]

I guess the first thing I'd ponder is how graphic things were from his vantage point and see if there are things from his literal perspective that need to be addressed.

 

There's a big difference between laying down flat under the sheets with mild noises and being completely naked woman-on-top bouncing and screaming. One is likely more difficult to work through than the other, yk?

 

So while the whole thing is mortifying - there are variations of how to explain and handle it.

[QuirkyKapers]

I guess the first thing I'd ponder is how graphic things were from his vantage point and see if there are things from his literal perspective that need to be addressed.

 

There's a big difference between laying down flat under the sheets with mild noises and being completely naked woman-on-top bouncing and screaming. One is likely more difficult to work through than the other, yk?

 

So while the whole thing is mortifying - there are variations of how to explain and handle it.

:iagree: Good point. Hearing and seeing are two different experiences. Will he keep bringing it up if he is having a hard time with it? I know my son would just want me to never speak of it again. If he was still concerned, he would ask questions. If he didn't ask questions, than I would know he was just moving on. If I initiated it, he would be mortified. I know we had a situation he was embarrassed about. I talked about it with him. When I brought it up a couple days later to see how he was doing with the situation, he said, "Thanks for bringing it up, I had totally forgot about it....":D I know we have a book that we read to my son when he was 8 because he was asking a lot of questions. :grouphug: I would be mortified.

[DawnM]

Oh, no suggestions, but :group hug:

 

I think I might let your DH handle it first.

[JulieH]

Oh, no suggestions, but :group hug:

 

I think I might let your DH handle it first.

 

I would be inclined to, but dh, darling as he is, isn't a "talker". He's more apt to say "hey kiddo, let's put on the football game" and avoid the issue. LOL

 

My son just came up to me and said "mom, I don't think I've ever gonna fully recover from last night"

 

I think he saw AND heard. Thankfully, being early in the morning, it's not like we were that loud..and I *think* there were some covers on us.

 

Oh man...I'm NEVER EVER EVER doing it again!!!! NEVER ! :tongue_smilie:

[Teachin'Mine]

:grouphug: I would talk with his psychologist and ask for suggestions. Maybe your husband could make the call.

[clementine]

Oh my. That is one of my dreaded scenarios. :tongue_smilie: Reading this will make me get out of bed & lock the door...before. I am so sorry you are having to address this - it's a delicate problem.

:grouphug::grouphug: Hope he forgets about it and moves on quickly. :grouphug::grouphug:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I'd get him a book and let him read it on his own.

[nono]

My son just came up to me and said "mom, I don't think I've ever gonna fully recover from last night"

 

 

 

Oh man he sounds like a great kid! How mature to say something to give you an opening. I think you both need to try to laugh and share a couple :grouphug:s.

[Trish]

I'm catatonic on your behalf.

 

Well I'm sure it must have happened on the Mayflower, right?

[Remudamom]

He has a psychologist? I'd think you need to tell him.

[SailorMom]

He'll be fine. He really will. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I think it will take longer for you to get over it than him! I know it would take longer for me.:D

 

Honesty is the best policy. Have you and DH laready had "the talk"? I am assuming you have. If that is the case, well - that's what adults in loving relationships do. I highly recommend NOT acting worked up about it around him, or upset. Obviously it needs discussed, but if you act calm and as if it isn't the end of the world, he will possibly follow your lead here.

 

You may not even need the lock now - he may decide on his own that sneaking in is a BAD idea.:grouphug:

[Slipper]

No good solutions here, though I am mortified for you. I have a 10 yr old daughter (who I 'think' might lean towards aspergerish tendencies, we're still sort of watching) and she is very literal about most things. She accidentally came across pr0n on the computer one day and came into our room hysterical and crying. I know I didn't handle the situation correctly that day. She had already closed out the screen and all she could tell me was that she saw naked men and women doing awful things. She was literally gasping as she told me, "Momma, I don't even think what they were doing is LEGAL!" (I almost laughed, but managed to hold it in). Of course, I'm not sure what she saw, so maybe it wasn't....lol

 

Anyway, good luck with everything. :)

[macdaddi]

He'll forget about it eventually. My mom said I walked in on my parents several times and I obviously needed to mentally block those images! :) My eldest son also walked in on us once (he actually picked the lock!! So, we got a better lock) and hubby talked to him a bit about it, but he just let it go. My husband thinks it's good for them to know how normal it is anyway. :)

[JulieH]

He has a psychologist? I'd think you need to tell him.

 

Yes, he has a psychologist, and a speech language pathologist (who is AWESOME in helping teach me to communicate with him in ways he'll understand) and an OT.

 

My son has severe anxiety and being "on the spectrum" he sees a psychologist every other week. He has been really helpful.

 

Figures his anxiety is 90% at NIGHT.

 

We have NOT had "the talk" ..but he's going to be 10 this month. It's time.

 

I think I'm going to puke.

 

I have an excellent working relationship with his team and especially the Speech lady. She emailed me this morning to see if I was coming to the next class on communicating with your child. It's kind of a support group/ class where she coaches parents on whatever issue has come up. She's amazing. I emailed her back and told her I really really really wished the class was tonight and told her what happened. I think she'll have some good ideas.

[Slipper]

Julie, my oldest is severely autistic and we have great supports for her in place (OT, SLP, etc). Whenever I'm facing a difficult time, I turn to them for advice. They have probably seen/heard it all. I think asking them for suggestions is a great idea. Even if you can't talk with them privately today, ask them if they can call you later as you have a situation you could use some advice about.

[JulieH]

He'll be fine. He really will. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I think it will take longer for you to get over it than him! I know it would take longer for me.:D

 

Honesty is the best policy. Have you and DH laready had "the talk"? I am assuming you have. If that is the case, well - that's what adults in loving relationships do. I highly recommend NOT acting worked up about it around him, or upset. Obviously it needs discussed, but if you act calm and as if it isn't the end of the world, he will possibly follow your lead here.

 

You may not even need the lock now - he may decide on his own that sneaking in is a BAD idea.:grouphug:

 

He did say, with his face buried in his pillow, that he was NEVER ever coming in our room again!! LOL

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

You have a great team in place to help you. I would encourage you and your dh to talk with your son re this issue with his psychologist. Even if your dh does not do much talking I think it would be good he be there. I think he will be okay in time. This is traumatic for all of you. But I think addressing it openly and lovingly will help all of you.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I would also talk to the psychologist about it. He may be able to give your son a different perspective or just reassurance that it is a normal thing and he shouldn't feel badly about it.

 

Yikes! I know it's mortifying, but hopefully, you will all be able to forget it quickly and laugh about it later on down the line. :grouphug:

[mommymilkies]

I'm catatonic on your behalf.

 

Well I'm sure it must have happened on the Mayflower, right?

 

:lol:

 

I would also talk to the psychologist. I am SO sorry!

[SweetMissMagnolia]

oh my.....:grouphug:

[QueenCat]

:grouphug:s... I think you'll get some good advice from the slp.

Edited November 30, 2011 by CathieC
tmi for those that know me in real life

[SKL]

Think ahead. You will laugh about this. A lot. I promise!

 

As you observed, many, many kids walk in on their parents, and I've never heard of anyone being unable to get over it.

 

Your son sounds very cute, by the way.

[SKL]

:grouphug:s... that is worse than when my ds called into our room (door stayed closed) "Dad, is mom okay? She sounds like she's having a severe asthma attack."

 

Is it wrong to say that I'm getting some great laughs from this thread?

[Heather in Neverland]

Oh my word. I would be the one needing a psychologist if that happened here. :tongue_smilie:

[JulieH]

Oh my word. I would be the one needing a psychologist if that happened here. :tongue_smilie:

 

Oh don't worry!!! I see MY psychologist tomorrow night and it will be a very interesting hour long discussion!!!! :lol:

[QueenCat]

Is it wrong to say that I'm getting some great laughs from this thread?

 

No, I think we laughed for about 30 minutes straight.

[Parker Martin]

Oh my word. I would be the one needing a psychologist if that happened here. :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol: Same.

[JulieH]

So, wanna hear something really creepy? and actually funny...but creepy.

 

I told my mom what happened, thinking she could give me advice. First, she was a little mad at me. (as if I don't have teA at the age of 40?????)...mad that I didn't look through my bedroom first? "yeah mom, next time I'll check under the bed and in my closet first!"

 

Then she texts me and says "what exactly were you doing????"

 

I write back "omg mom! seriously????? You're asking me what I was DOING???":lol:

 

I need to transition and go to Hobby Lobby to get some decorations. I think I'll pick up a double size bottle of wine on the way home...

 

One for the book I guess!

[Virg]

I am dying over here! I have never thought to check through my entire room in the morning beforehand! LOL

 

I would talk to his psych like PPs have recommended and just keep telling yourself that millions and millions of children all over the world live in a one room hut with plenty of siblings. It can't be as scarring as we, in America, feel like it is. :001_smile:

[JulieH]

:grouphug:s... that is worse than when my ds called into our room (door stayed closed) "Dad, is mom okay? She sounds like she's having a severe asthma attack." I think you'll get some good advice from the slp.

 

omg that is hysterical!!!

 

I did get a quick email back from his slp. She wrote:

 

This happens more than you know. Yes it is wild for kids to experience that, especially when they view the world differently than "typical" kids do. But trust me, even typical kids freak out about this and its ALL PART OF LIVING. Once you realize your parents are real human beings with feelings and needs, its a WHOLE NEW WORLD. It goes with living so just as ____ may witness someone hitting an animal while driving ( also TOUGH ), it happens. You and your husband love each other and this is one way grown ups are ALLOWED to show it. IT IS ALLOWED and it is NORMAL and it is NATURE. Let him know that all the animals large and small do it as well to have babies and to love each other. Hope this helps.

I went and read this to my best friend and she laughed hysterically..."Julie, is she comparing this to road kill?" LOL

 

Think ahead. You will laugh about this. A lot. I promise!

 

As you observed, many, many kids walk in on their parents, and I've never heard of anyone being unable to get over it.

 

Your son sounds very cute, by the way.

 

Thanks! He is a very sweet boy that has a lot of funny things to say. We get a big kick out of him. It's so fascinating, as he gets older, to watch him learning about the world around him, trying to learn idioms and differentiate fact from fiction. It's a challenge but it's exciting to watch him develop and we are thankful for the therapies he has in place that have helped him tremendously.

 

He's told me this morning 3 times how he just wishes last night was a big bad dream. I didn't tell him this, but I felt like saying "so do I honey. so do I"

[JulieH]

I am dying over here! I have never thought to check through my entire room in the morning beforehand! LOL

 

I would talk to his psych like PPs have recommended and just keep telling yourself that millions and millions of children all over the world live in a one room hut with plenty of siblings. It can't be as scarring as we, in America, feel like it is. :001_smile:

 

Right!!?? I often wonder how the Little House on the Prairie parents did it..all in one room like that.:001_smile:

[ChemMommy]

It's not enough to lock the door or look around the room. Our eldest was swimming and tapped on the window, peeking through the 1 inch of glass that was not covered while we were brewing. Let's just say that he did NOT want to talk about what he got a glimpse of. Never been brought up again. But, dh and I laugh about it still.:lol:

[HappyCrazyMama]

Right!!?? I often wonder how the Little House on the Prairie parents did it..all in one room like that.:001_smile:

 

Rustling the sheets as little as possible I suppose.:D I mean they knew the kids were in there, so I'm sure they acted accordingly, lol.

 

:grouphug: I'd be mortified, too!

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

:grouphug:

Just the thought of it happening...shudder.

You've been given good advice.

What has your DH said about the incident?

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

omg that is hysterical!!!

 

I did get a quick email back from his slp. She wrote:

 

This happens more than you know. Yes it is wild for kids to experience that, especially when they view the world differently than "typical" kids do. But trust me, even typical kids freak out about this and its ALL PART OF LIVING. Once you realize your parents are real human beings with feelings and needs, its a WHOLE NEW WORLD. It goes with living so just as ____ may witness someone hitting an animal while driving ( also TOUGH ), it happens. You and your husband love each other and this is one way grown ups are ALLOWED to show it. IT IS ALLOWED and it is NORMAL and it is NATURE. Let him know that all the animals large and small do it as well to have babies and to love each other. Hope this helps.

 

I went and read this to my best friend and she laughed hysterically..."Julie, is she comparing this to road kill?" LOL

 

 

"

:lol:

[JulieH]

:grouphug:

Just the thought of it happening...shudder.

You've been given good advice.

What has your DH said about the incident?[/QUOTE]

 

not. one. flippin. word. HE got to shower and go to work. HE told me there were no children in the room. HE just may get coal in his stocking!:lol:

[Margo out of lurking]

not. one. flippin. word. HE got to shower and go to work. HE told me there were no children in the room. HE just may get coal in his stocking!:lol:

 

Ha, you might check out the current TeA thread; it has a great idea that might work for his stocking . . . er . . . oh, the wording is just TOO difficult.:lol:

 

 

 

 

(If you open the thread from the link, you can scroll down a few more posts to get a link to photos.)

[sassenach]

"Julie, is she comparing this to road kill?"

 

:lol::lol::lol: Now I'm laughing. Wow.

[Leav97]

 

Then she texts me and says "what exactly were you doing????"

 

 

When we announced to my Dad that we were expecting DD1 he asked, "How did that happen". I have this memory of staring blankly at him trying to figure out how to answer the question. Thankfully my BIL replied asking him if after 3 kids he really didn't know how that happened. Parents can be a little strange.

 

I think he was trying to ask if it was planned.

[Nakia]

So, wanna hear something really creepy? and actually funny...but creepy.

 

 

Then she texts me and says "what exactly were you doing????"

 

I write back "omg mom! seriously????? You're asking me what I was DOING???":lol:

 

I need to transition and go to Hobby Lobby to get some decorations. I think I'll pick up a double size bottle of wine on the way home...

 

One for the book I guess!

 

Oh don't be so hard on your mom. I was wondering the same thing. :lol:

 

I mean, really. I think there would be a difference in your kid seeing decaf and your kid seeing some flavored or spicy tea, right?

[Laurie4b]

I didn't read every single response, so perhaps someone has suggested this, but sounds emitted during the act of union can sound like someone is being hurt. That is something to factor in.

 

Also with an Aspie, it could also appear that you were violating rules. Is parental nudity in front of the child normal in your house? Of same gender parent? Of opposite gender parent?

 

An open-ended question like: "What did you think was happening?" could be useful in getting his perspective on what was upsetting to him. Honestly, when kids are upset, therapists will often ask them to draw a picture (even if they will talk). You could use that if you can stand it (and be prepared that the psych may also have him do that.)

 

I was always super paranoid about this happening. We had one of those hook and eye latches on the door in addition to the little button that gets pushed in.

[Aura]

It's not uncommon for this to happen. As mortified as you both are, I would just let it go. There's no reason to make it more than it is. If you make it into something that he should be freaked out about, then he will absolutely freak out even more.

 

If you make it more of, "Honey, we're married. That's what married folks do for fun--in private, of course! Make sure you knock next time, okay?" and shrug it off, he'll eventually shrug it off to crazy adult behavior.

[QuirkyKapers]

So, wanna hear something really creepy? and actually funny...but creepy.

 

I told my mom what happened, thinking she could give me advice. First, she was a little mad at me. (as if I don't have teA at the age of 40?????)...mad that I didn't look through my bedroom first? "yeah mom, next time I'll check under the bed and in my closet first!"

 

Then she texts me and says "what exactly were you doing????"

 

I write back "omg mom! seriously????? You're asking me what I was DOING???":lol:

 

I need to transition and go to Hobby Lobby to get some decorations. I think I'll pick up a double size bottle of wine on the way home...

 

One for the book I guess!

 

 

Well- maybe she is looking for something more to spice up her tEa time

Probably just trying to figure out how scarred your son is going to be ;)

 

Sounds like you have some good ideas in place and everything will work out ok.

[JulieH]

Oh don't be so hard on your mom. I was wondering the same thing. :lol:

 

I mean, really. I think there would be a difference in your kid seeing decaf and your kid seeing some flavored or spicy tea, right?

 

Absolutely! I was thinking it could have been much worse!! LOL

 

I didn't read every single response, so perhaps someone has suggested this, but sounds emitted during the act of union can sound like someone is being hurt. That is something to factor in.

 

Also with an Aspie, it could also appear that you were violating rules. Is parental nudity in front of the child normal in your house? Of same gender parent? Of opposite gender parent?

 

An open-ended question like: "What did you think was happening?" could be useful in getting his perspective on what was upsetting to him. Honestly, when kids are upset, therapists will often ask them to draw a picture (even if they will talk). You could use that if you can stand it (and be prepared that the psych may also have him do that.)

 

I was always super paranoid about this happening. We had one of those hook and eye latches on the door in addition to the little button that gets pushed in.

 

I think a big part of it was the confusion. Hopefully dh will try to talk to him tonight when I take dd out. Other than that, I am not making a big deal out of it to him. I am more freaked out myself!

 

It's not uncommon for this to happen. As mortified as you both are, I would just let it go. There's no reason to make it more than it is. If you make it into something that he should be freaked out about, then he will absolutely freak out even more.

 

If you make it more of, "Honey, we're married. That's what married folks do for fun--in private, of course! Make sure you knock next time, okay?" and shrug it off, he'll eventually shrug it off to crazy adult behavior.

 

Thank you!! :)

[Mommee & Baba]

He'll be fine. He really will. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I think it will take longer for you to get over it than him! I know it would take longer for me.:D

 

Honesty is the best policy. Have you and DH laready had "the talk"? I am assuming you have. If that is the case, well - that's what adults in loving relationships do. I highly recommend NOT acting worked up about it around him, or upset. Obviously it needs discussed, but if you act calm and as if it isn't the end of the world, he will possibly follow your lead here.

 

You may not even need the lock now - he may decide on his own that sneaking in is a BAD idea.:grouphug:

 

:iagree:

[Catherine]

Locks!! That's my first comment. My second-the lock doesn't always work. We were interrupted by our *exchange student.* I'm not sure either of us has recovered yet...

[lynn]

Locks and a securtiy bar that goes under the door knob that makes it impossible to open the door.

[extendedforecast]

You poor thing. I would be completely mortified. :svengo:

 

I think you handled it well, though I don't have an aspie (though I have a strong suspicion about one of mine). I suspect time will make it better for both of you.

 

I remember the embarrassment from the girls when they were a little younger telling us that they knew the real reason why sometimes the door was locked during our naptime. They were spot on, and I didn't know what to say to them. Luckily DH handled the conversation well. I stopped taking naps for a long time after that.

[Terabith]

My six year old (with an anxiety disorder) still sleeps in the same room (and sometimes bed) as we do. We're always really careful to make sure she's asleep, but it's always a possibility.

 

I agree with Laurie about asking, "What did you think was happening?"

 

Honestly, it happens. In the cosmic scheme of things, it happens all the time and kids survive, although the night time anxiety certainly complicates things.

 

I think it's a great time for learning about the facts of life. To be fair, my kids knew by around 2.5, but my youngest was obsessed with all details of the human body, and it created complications when she told the entire congregation exactly why Jesus's conception was so unusual during a children's sermon. :D