When it comes to keeping a neat home...

[Mynyel]

How far are you willing to go?

 

I have been thinking about this for a long time. I have tried different things. Decluttering. Reading books. So on and so forth.

 

It comes down to me. If *I* don't do it or tell someone to do it then it doesn't get done. The only exception is dishes and garbage. Dh will finally break down and do those chores. After the dishes aren't done for 2 days and the garbage can is full and there is several store bags of garbage sitting around it. We keep the garbage outside is case your wondering. It isn't in the house, I swear!

 

Here is my thing. I get *NO* help from dh, at all. He is as bad as the kids with putting things away. He doesn't. The kids only do what I tell them to the letter. If I say dish duty they load the dishwasher and that is. it. The sink is still dirty as well as the counters. So I am dealing with that.

 

I have come to a point where I just want to start throwing everything away. If it on the floor I want to toss it. If it isn't put away I want to throw it away.

 

There is ALWAYS something on the floor. Right now.. clothes, toys, crumples leaves from an earlier walk, movies (DVD and VHS), stuffed animals, unrolled sleeping bag (*sigh* I don't even know why it is out), paper, shoes and a game.

 

I just don't know what to do. *I* didn't make the mess, and with the exception of ds3 (and even he knows a little), everyone knows how to put things away but they don't.

 

So would I be remiss if I just started throwing things away? Even dh's things. This would even include, *shudder*, books. They end up on the floor as well. Besides the more expensive items of course. I won't throw away Nintendo games or movies, those are too much to replace. Those I would squirrel away until responsibility is proven.

 

What says the hive? I am ready to do something drastic. I just don't care about what the family thinks any longer. If they don't care about their things then I won't care any longer.

 

This is somewhat of a rant as well as seeking advice. I am just sick and tired of a flippin pig sty of a house. My home will never be magazine worthy but when Terminix comes by I want them to be able to come into my home to do what they are supposed to without being embarrassed by my home.

[Nan in Mass]

I am NOT willing to replace all our hobbies and musical instruments and art projects and books and pets with one, neat, all-purpose box called a TV. That seems to be how most neat people I know manage. Either that or they have giant houses with dedicated spaces. I'm not willing to give up college educations for my children to live in a giant house, either.

 

I will live with the clutter and mess, thank you very much.

 

LOL

Nan

 

Edited to add that that sounds totally unsympathetic. I raised three children in a one bedroom house. I am very sympathetic. As peaceful a person as I usually am, it is important that nobody be home when I vacuum because I rant as I vacuum. There is so much stuff to move. Ultimately, I have learned just to put up with the mess. I keep telling myself that it isn't my stuff, mostly, so I can't just throw it away. That would be breaking the trust my children have in me and teach them not to respect other people's property. I also keep telling myself that soon enough (very soon now - sigh) I will be left with a clean house and no children and that will be worse. And that it would be worse to have one of those TV houses. I'd rather have creative, interesting, active children and a messy house. It is incredibly frustrating at times, though.

Edited October 26, 2011 by Nan in Mass

[emeraldjoy]

first of all...I.totally.get.it! I will read this thread relgiously to get some ideas. After our fifth child was born it just hit me hard...he is about 3 months old now.....and I realized something had to change. It has been a struggle, but a bit better.

Right now I would just like to offer a suggestion (something that has worked the best so far). It is a chore box. If anybody leaves anything out that I feel responsible to pick up it goes into a box and cannot be gotten out of the box until a chore is done. If they don't feel that a chore is worth it enough to get it out...good, it goes away, we don't need it. If it is important enough they will do the chore. We started out as a garbage box and I realized that was too strict and then a money box..where they PAID me to get stuff out..but the chore ideas seems to be the best, plus I get chores done!!!

hope that helps a bit...I know the battle your are in...I emphathize greatly. blessings.

e

[ktgrok]

How about instead of throwing it away you put things in a box to be returned ONLY after a set amount of time? And then they have to be bailed out by doing an extra chore?

[emeraldjoy]

I love this. a lot.

 

I am NOT willing to replace all our hobbies and musical instruments and art projects and books and pets with one, neat, all-purpose box called a TV. That seems to be how most neat people I know manage. Either that or they have giant houses with dedicated spaces. I'm not willing to give up college educations for my children to live in a giant house, either.

 

I will live with the clutter and mess, thank you very much.

 

LOL

Nan

[Mynyel]

I am NOT willing to replace all our hobbies and musical instruments and art projects and books and pets with one, neat, all-purpose box called a TV. That seems to be how most neat people I know manage. Either that or they have giant houses with dedicated spaces. I'm not willing to give up college educations for my children to live in a giant house, either.

 

I will live with the clutter and mess, thank you very much.

 

LOL

Nan

 

That isn't what I am talking about. It isn't craft supplies or musical instruments. I am talking about not putting things back. DVD's, VHS tapes, shredded paper, toys, books, shoes... all this kind of thing everywhere, because it isn't put back when it is done being used.

 

This isn't about replacing something with TV, it isn't just about clutter. I don't have storage, I *know* I have to live with some clutter. It is about caring for your things and putting them away. If you get craft items out and then want to do something else put the first thing away.

 

I just can't get a handle on it. I don't have the energy to ride people's rear ends all day. *I* am the only one that cares about the condition of the house. *ME* only. Dh and the kids don't see it.

[In2why]

I wouldn't throw everything away, but I would throw everything in trashbags, and put them in a closet or the garage. If they want their stuff then they can dig in and find it. You could even make the kids pay for their stuff if they want it back. If they don't care, then throw it away. As for DH's stuff same thing, put it in bags, and if he wants it he can find it.

[Mynyel]

How about instead of throwing it away you put things in a box to be returned ONLY after a set amount of time? And then they have to be bailed out by doing an extra chore?

 

I did think of this but I would have several boxes laying about. I don't want them laying about. If *I* have to pick up *THEIR* things, especially if on the floor, then they don't care about them to begin with. We aren't talking about fell out of a bag. These things would be on the floor for *DAYS* if I didn't make them pick them up.

 

*Sigh* Ranting again. :)

[momma aimee]

I don't know my DH works 60 to 70 hours in a normal week and my kids are under 6. so it is all me, but then there is no other option.

 

I do expect the boys to help and they'll help more as they age. if the CHILDREN are not doing their chores or keeping their stuff nicely -- then, to me any way, that is something to address: each skill and task independently, disciplinary or learning or whatever the issue is.

 

As for DH -- mine helps, but on ODD things. he has his hot button issues and i have mine -- i am not going to start worrying about his, so i can't expect him to worry about mine. if it is a lack of appreciation or respect at play, you need to address, imo, as that. if is simply different POV on the needs or standards -- i am not sure you can do much about that.

 

I stay home (mostly) so i look at the house as my 'job'. Dh goes to an office; i have a house. so i expect the house stuff (cleaning bathrooms, laundry, counters, etc) to fall to me -- especially all the 'normal maintain a family stuff' .

 

I guess you need to think about the roots -- and address it that way--

[ChristusG]

I despise clutter. Each night, my kids clean up everything of theirs before bedtime. If it doesn't get cleaned up....then I do it. The kids know that if mommy has to clean up their stuff, they may not get it back. Once I clean it up, I can do with it as I please. If it's junk, I may just toss it. If it's something expensive, I may hold onto it for a day....or a week...or several weeks. I may give it to Goodwill.

 

Thankfully, DH is decent about cleaning up behind himself. He's not good about anything else (like helping clean up toys or other clutter), but he usually cleans up behind himself. If he didn't, he may find all of his clutter stacked up on his computer desk.

 

If my house is cluttered, I cannot focus on the day.

[Amy Jo]

A family friend used a system where items left out where put in a box, and on Saturday they paid allowance. The kids were required to buy back school books, and if they didn't buy other things back they were donated/trashed/gone. The money was donated to charity, so the kids couldn't accuse the parents of making money off them.

 

I'm trying a different method, probably starting next week (read about it here - I love the Hive!). Anyway, everyone of age (over 4 perhaps) gets a cup with 20 dimes in it. Each time they pick up someone else's stuff (and put it away) they take a dime from that person's cup and put it in their own. Every 2 weeks, each person gets the money remaining in their cup. The cups are refilled and the cycle starts again. I like this system because I'm not picking everything up, and it's more motivational. But my kids are younger, I don't know if it will work for older kids.

 

I'm watching this thread too. :P

[Remudamom]

It takes time and training. If someone leaves something out you get them and make them pick it up. If they continually leave something out, toss it.

 

I got so sick and tired of my boys leaving their workboots out that I started tossing them waay out in the yard. Then when they needed them they had to go find them.

 

If you want it done then find the energy and train them. Yeah it's hard. It's also the only way. It's worth it. I have four teens in the house. btdt

 

btw, if mine whined about picking things up I found more things for them to pick up so they could practice not whining. And yes, the guys in this house work hard physical jobs every day, but that's no excuse to not take care of important items or be pigs.

Edited October 27, 2011 by Remudamom

[In2why]

I am NOT willing to replace all our hobbies and musical instruments and art projects and books and pets with one, neat, all-purpose box called a TV. That seems to be how most neat people I know manage. Either that or they have giant houses with dedicated spaces. I'm not willing to give up college educations for my children to live in a giant house, either.

 

I will live with the clutter and mess, thank you very much.

 

LOL

Nan

 

Edited to add that that sounds totally unsympathetic. I raised three children in a one bedroom house. I am very sympathetic. As peaceful a person as I usually am, it is important that nobody be home when I vacuum because I rant as I vacuum. There is so much stuff to move. Ultimately, I have learned just to put up with the mess. I keep telling myself that it isn't my stuff, mostly, so I can't just throw it away. That would be breaking the trust my children have in me and teach them not to respect other people's property.

 

But they don't respect property already or they wouldn't leave the house a mess. They certainly aren't respecting their Mom or her time.

 

I also keep telling myself that soon enough (very soon now - sigh) I will be left with a clean house and no children and that will be worse. And that it would be worse to have one of those TV houses. I'd rather have creative, interesting, active children and a messy house. It is incredibly frustrating at times, though.

 

To believe that you can't have a neat house, projects, creative kids, and lots of fun is false. You also don't have to have a large house. I think it is important to teach kids to be neat so that they *can be creative. Nothing is worse then wanting to do something and not knowing where materials are or needing to clean space before you can even start.

[mom2att]

So would I be remiss if I just started throwing things away? Even dh's things. This would even include, *shudder*, books. They end up on the floor as well. Besides the more expensive items of course. I won't throw away Nintendo games or movies, those are too much to replace. Those I would squirrel away until responsibility is proven.

 

 

I think this is reasonable. Just do a sweep in the evening and box everything up in a big plastic tote. Put it somewhere inaccessable so that everyone can't just go get out what they are looking for, and when they ask "where's my book/game/hairbrush/etc," remind them that things disappear when they are not put away properly. It undoubtedly won't work overnight, but it's worth a shot.

[Crissy]

How far are you willing to go?

 

 

 

I *think* I would be willing to do it all myself even if I didn't have help. I believe that because being in a clean, uncluttered space is important to the way I want to live. I can't be sure, though, because I do have help, and I don't know what it feels like to be the only one doing it all day in and day out.

 

I feel a bit anxious when the space I am spending time in is messy and cluttered. That is part of the reason I believe I would still maintain a neat home even if the others didn't pitch in.

[Denisemomof4]

well I can tell you for sure that I can't function in a cluttered or messy home. I just can't do it. It's not fair that nobody is picking up after themselves. If I were you, I'd call a family meeting and have the entire family decide who will do what chores. Everybody needs to pitch in. Then, nobody gets fun time, down time, NOTHING until school work and chores are satisfactorily and cheerfully done.

 

The chore battle has been the single most stressful part of raising kids, I believe. I'm on the other side now, but I can so remember being in your spot!

 

What I did was collect everyone's stuff and tossed it onto the deck. I just needed it OUT of the house! I let everyone know that it was their responsibility to pick up after themselves, that i was no longer going to do it. Now I wouldn't put expensive musical instruments out there, but I would do pretty much everything else. If it's going to rain, put a tarp on it. If they still don't clean it up, toss it. The less they have, the less to clean.

 

I actually only remember doing this once. You know what happened? A swarm of flying ants INFESTED their stuff! They were NOT out there when I put their stuff outside, but they were all over there and even crawling on the sides of the house, MANY even got inside! I told the kids not to bring a single item in without getting all the bugs off.

 

That was pretty much the end of that. Things got to a MUCH more manageable level, and when they started to slack off, I'd put their belongings on the landing in the garage. Everyone comes in through the garage and they would have to literally walk over their stuff to get inside, or they'd have to pick it up and bring it inside.

 

The ant incident drastically changed them picking up after themselves.

 

Doing chores on their own was pretty much never mastered. It was a pain for waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. It still is, but I don't know many kids who don't do their chores without reminders. I've learned to live with this.

 

Right now I'm in the process of training dd11 to clean up after herself in the kitchen. She would leave EVERYTHING out and opened until I tell her to put it away! It took a few times of me getting angry to have her do it on her own. I also got these thin mats for a work surface for her, and now she simply lifts the mat and places it, along with all the crumbs, into the sink. She was about to lose the privilege of making food unless she had mastered picking up after herself. I do cut her some slack, though, because she does do so much to help around the house, and she helps with her younger sister, who can be a TON of work and responsibility.

 

One thing that was awful that made me CRINGE was that she kept placing items in the refrigerator or freezer totally open, and too many times items were ruined. I charged her for the food a couple of times, and that's all it took.

 

I know I'm mean, but I truly need everyone to clean/pick up after themselves, and I simply can NOT function in clutter or mess.

 

Please talk to your dh and family and make a chore chart. You will have to remind everyone to do their chores, and all too often you will despise the work of getting them to do their chores more than living in the mess. Don't give up! In the end it will all be worth your effort!!!

 

Oh, one other thing I did what was a HUGE success was that I listed what each kid was responsible for, and I added or subtracted minutes from bedtime. For instance, brushing your teeth without being told would add 10 minutes or so to bed time. Not doing yoru chores on your own took 30 minutes from the bed time. I can't remember the details, but I made a HUGE spread sheet. The first night we implemented this, both boys had sandwiches and went to bed by 6:00. :lol: This happened twice, and then it became a competition to earn minutes to stay up later! I remember one way to earn extra minutes was to actually drink WATER without being told! WHY did I have to remind my kids to DRINK??!!!:confused:

 

I know all families are different but these two things are what worked wonderfully for me. I also had dh on board as he, too, hates mess and clutter. I used to be able to do it all but I simply can't anymore. Too many responsibilities!!!

[Mynyel]

A family friend used a system where items left out where put in a box, and on Saturday they paid allowance. The kids were required to buy back school books, and if they didn't buy other things back they were donated/trashed/gone. The money was donated to charity, so the kids couldn't accuse the parents of making money off them.

 

I'm trying a different method, probably starting next week (read about it here - I love the Hive!). Anyway, everyone of age (over 4 perhaps) gets a cup with 20 dimes in it. Each time they pick up someone else's stuff (and put it away) they take a dime from that person's cup and put it in their own. Every 2 weeks, each person gets the money remaining in their cup. The cups are refilled and the cycle starts again. I like this system because I'm not picking everything up, and it's more motivational. But my kids are younger, I don't know if it will work for older kids.

 

I'm watching this thread too. :P

 

Holy Cow! I love the buy back stuff and dime idea. LOVE it! I will be going to the bank tomorrow!

 

I totally forgot about doing that. I was doing it before and it worked. My dd13 got sparring gear for her last birthday. It cost $100. I found it more than once on the floor of her room. Even though she had a duffle to put it in.

 

I took it and told her she had to buy it back or work for it. She worked for it.

 

I am sooo doing this again!

 

 

It takes time and training. If someone leaves something out you get them and make them pick it up. If they continually leave something out, toss it.

 

I got so sick and tired of my boys leaving their workboots out that I started tossing them waay out in the yard. Then when they needed them they had to go find them.

 

If you want it done then find the energy and train them. Yeah it's hard. It's also the only way. It's worth it. I have four teens in the house. btdt

 

btw, if mine whined about picking things up I found more things for them to pick up so they could practice not whining. And yes, the guys in this house work hard physical jobs every day, but that's no excuse to not take care of important items or be pigs.

 

I have thrown things outside too! Love it. Hmmm....

 

 

The mind is working and a fog is lifting.

 

Now to just get it done!

[Denisemomof4]

It takes time and training. If someone leaves something out you get them and make them pick it up. If they continually leave something out, toss it.

 

I got so sick and tired of my boys leaving their workboots out that I started tossing them waay out in the yard. Then when they needed them they had to go find them.

 

If you want it done then find the energy and train them. Yeah it's hard. It's also the only way. It's worth it. I have four teens in the house. btdt

 

btw, if mine whined about picking things up I found more things for them to pick up so they could practice not whining. And yes, the guys in this house work hard physical jobs every day, but that's no excuse to not take care of important items or be pigs.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: this sounds like me! I remember the look of shock when I took those boots and tossed them outside as far as I possibly could! It wasn't only MUD on those boots, we have a FARM!!!

 

Remudamom is right. It's a TON of work, but it's a work in progress and it's worth it.

 

I honestly believe ds19's work ethic has a lot to do with being raised on a farm, learning responsibility, and having to work. He's a WONDERFUL employee now. Also, I spent time teaching the kids how to cook. They LOVE to cook, regularly cook, ask to prepare meals. This is what saved us when I was in the hospital for 8 hours after my life-altering concussion. Ds was 14 at the time and he made salisbury steak, potatoes, some veggie, cleaned up after dinner, then put the girls to bed! All that hard work, and stress, paid off. I was never more thankful for that than I was that night!

[*lifeoftheparty*]

My sons room was like this. I went in and came out out with 3 large garbage bags full of stuff. It was either thrown away, recycled or donated. Now his room is easy to keep clean. And you know what? He doesn't miss the stuff AT ALL.

 

 

I purge all the time. I love how easy it is to keep the place clean when there isn't a bunch of clutter. It makes life so peaceful.

 

I don't agree with people who say to just live with the clutter. Some people can live like that, but I can't. A messy, cluttered house REALLY messes with my mental health. I just can't feel at peace until my house is clean.

 

I completely agree with confiscating the stuff on the floor and making your kids pay you to get it back. I wouldn't do that with DH though. He's a grown man, you should be able to sit down and talk to him and ask that he pick up after himself. I'm a traditionalist, I don't think husbands should have to come home from work and do dishes or their own laundry, or cook dinner.... but I do think they should AT LEAST pick up after themselves and take out the trash and help with the kids.

[Mynyel]

Now before you all are lambasting me for complaining about dh not helping. let me qualify.

 

We both work from home and I work more hours than he does.

[Parrothead]

I found that my dh did not know better. I've had to teach him to see paper on the floor. I've had to teach him to see six cups next to his chair. I've had to teach him to see dirt, dust and a filthy bathroom.

 

His mother, bless her, is not the greatest housekeeper. He grew up thinking dust 1/2 an inch thick was normal. Dishes were done every evening but that was about it.

 

So essentially I'm training two people how to see dirt, clutter and mess. I'm training two people in the proper way to deal with dirt, clutter and mess. It has taken me 13 years to get to the point that every evening I go to bed with a clean house. We have family clean up time every evening after dinner. This includes all clutter, trash and the kitchen clean. Everyone pitches in and unless I've cooked Thanksgiving dinner, it takes about 15 minutes.

 

(I've just about got the both of them well trained. Next I have to teach the two of them how to cook. )

 

Your 15-year old should know how to do most every job when it comes to cleaning. If not it is past time for her to learn.

 

Your 9 year old should have chores and they should rotate so he sees how to clean everything by the time he leaves your house.

 

Between the two of them (and your dh) your household jobs should be being drastically reduced on a monthly basis. You, your dh and your oldest should be rotating cooking responsibilities so that the other two know how to survive without you. (What if you are hit by a bus? What will they do then? Yes, I say that often.) And your 9 year old should be learning to cook simple things. So he can start preparing breakfasts.

 

Your 2.5 year old needs to start learning to do his share also. No reason in the world why he can't (with help from another person) put toys away a couple times a day (before lunch, before dinner and before bed).

 

Yes, your dh works hard for pay. You work just as hard or harder with never a day off. Sounds like time for a family meeting, a new schedule, a new chore rotation and everyone pitching in for the needs of the household.

 

If that does not work, hire help.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

Now before you all are lambasting me for complaining about dh not helping. let me qualify.

 

We both work from home and I work more hours than he does.

 

OK, well, it is my belief that when both parents work, they should both do housework equally. When one parent stays home, they should do the majority of the house work.

 

If he works at home, I bet he makes a LOT of mess, LOL. Get him to shape up by telling him he is not setting a good example for his children and they are all driving you crazy.

[OrdinaryTime]

OP, you are entirely correct to expect your husband and children to treat their home and personal items - and their mother's requests - with respect. I think it is a symptom of the materialism of our time that it is considered normal behavior to treat our homes and things with little to no care. Too much stuff that is too easily replaced.

 

I grew up well below the poverty line. We took good care of our toys, books, clothing, etc. because they were not immediately going to be replace if something was damaged or lost. My father built our house himself, and there was no way we were not going to maintain that house well. There was just too much time, money, and sweat put into it fo us not to truly care for it.

 

My husband and I are thankfully much better off financially, but I worry quite a bit about my kids' relationship with material possessions. So I do work hard to teach them to be thankful for their home and possessions and to show this gratitude by taking care of these things. If they aren't grateful for them, I tell them I'm very happy to find some less fortunate kids who would be happy to take care of their toys.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to support you in your efforts and let you know I think there are important, fundamental principles at play in this issue - beyond a sane mom!

[Jennifer3141]

Now before you all are lambasting me for complaining about dh not helping. let me qualify.

 

We both work from home and I work more hours than he does.

 

If DH simply will not help, how about talking with him about cleaning help? If he doesn't want to physically help and you work more than he does, then he needs to pony up the cash to help you get it done.

[texasmama]

I have gone so far as to do it all myself - the decluttering, cleaning, straightening. It is worth it to me. I do ask my kids to help some. My husband is not particularly helpful in the cleaning department. I am the one who craves a neat environment. This summer, I went through my teenager's room from top to bottom, threw away trash, organized everything, washed all of her laundry (about five loads). I just couldn't take that room one minute longer. Ironically, my room was in a similar state when I was a teen, and I am a neatnik now.

[Ginevra]

It takes time and training. If someone leaves something out you get them and make them pick it up. If they continually leave something out, toss it.

 

I got so sick and tired of my boys leaving their workboots out that I started tossing them waay out in the yard. Then when they needed them they had to go find them.

 

If you want it done then find the energy and train them. Yeah it's hard. It's also the only way. It's worth it. I have four teens in the house. btdt

 

btw, if mine whined about picking things up I found more things for them to pick up so they could practice not whining. And yes, the guys in this house work hard physical jobs every day, but that's no excuse to not take care of important items or be pigs.

 

:iagree: So very well said! And I love the mental picture I get of workboots flying out the front door! :lol:

[Whereneverever]

Honestly, it takes time and diligence to train kids (and others;)) to neatness if they aren't predisposed.

 

For the kids- we have clean up time of possessions twice a day. I set a timer, they clean- and anything left out of place becomes mine for a week. Doing it multiple times a day- and every day- keeps things from getting out of control.

 

For my DH- I just collect all his things and put them in a central location. I use a basket. He knows that if he needs something and can't find it, it's there. He's great about cleaning something like a bathroom if he's home and I ask, but otherwise I just do it.

 

I also have chores for my kids that we all work on together. My 7 year old can wash dishes and put them away. While she does that my 4 year old can empty the trash. My toddler loves to wipe the table. That lets me do the other kitchen work with them, with me there to supervise. There's no opportunity to blow it off because we all share the load, if that makes sense?

[justamouse]

It takes time and training. If someone leaves something out you get them and make them pick it up. If they continually leave something out, toss it.

 

I got so sick and tired of my boys leaving their workboots out that I started tossing them waay out in the yard. Then when they needed them they had to go find them.

 

If you want it done then find the energy and train them. Yeah it's hard. It's also the only way. It's worth it. I have four teens in the house. btdt

 

btw, if mine whined about picking things up I found more things for them to pick up so they could practice not whining. And yes, the guys in this house work hard physical jobs every day, but that's no excuse to not take care of important items or be pigs.

:iagree::iagree:

 

Training them takes work, but it's worth the time you put in because once it's done, you're all a *team*. You all live in the house. You all maintain it and respect each-other by maintaining it. But in doing so, you build teamwork. It's not mommy being everyone's maid.

 

 

Your 15-year old should know how to do most every job when it comes to cleaning. If not it is past time for her to learn.

 

Your 9 year old should have chores and they should rotate so he sees how to clean everything by the time he leaves your house.

 

Between the two of them (and your dh) your household jobs should be being drastically reduced on a monthly basis. You, your dh and your oldest should be rotating cooking responsibilities so that the other two know how to survive without you. (What if you are hit by a bus? What will they do then? Yes, I say that often.) And your 9 year old should be learning to cook simple things. So he can start preparing breakfasts.

 

Your 2.5 year old needs to start learning to do his share also. No reason in the world why he can't (with help from another person) put toys away a couple times a day (before lunch, before dinner and before bed).

 

Yes, your dh works hard for pay. You work just as hard or harder with never a day off. Sounds like time for a family meeting, a new schedule, a new chore rotation and everyone pitching in for the needs of the household.

 

If that does not work, hire help.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[rwjx2khsmj]

We do a 15 minute pick up each evening between dinner time and bed time. Everyone works really hard getting things where they belong and doing baskic cleaing for 15 minutes each night. First, everyone must pick up personal belongings and put them where they belong. Then everyone has an assigned job. For the youngers I give specific tasks. For the olders, they have rooms that they are responsible for keeping clean. When my dh is home, he participates as well.

[Nan in Mass]

The problem in my house is that all the good stuff taking up room makes it very hard to put things away. There isn't really room to put everything away all at once and so many things have to be moved to get to the putting-away places that it is hard to summon up the motivation to put the things away. My husband isn't in the house enough to really care and my children are oblivious, or at least they were until the youngest turned 17. Suddenly, this year, he cares. That is a long time to wait.

 

If I want something picked up, it takes quite a bit of effort on my part to get us all doing it. Take, for example, the shoes in the entryway. We all take our shoes off when we come into the house and they land all over the entryway when I am not being vigilant. First I had to find something convenient for everyone to do with their shoes, since my family has grown and they won't all fit on the shoe shelves. I put a large box in the middle of the entryway. I managed to get them to put their shoes in the shoe box by putting any shoes that were left out of the box outside on the steps. It is just inconvenient enough to retrieve them that it trained everyone to put their shoes in the box. I leave our clogs out of the box where they can be slipped on when running in and out quickly. This works for awhile, and then people start leaving them out again and I start having to put them outside again. It seems that everything wears off after awhile. Anyway, the procedure for "fixing" a messy person seems to be to pick a task, create a convenient routine, and then make them do something mildly inconvenient if they don't follow the routine. Then you have to stay on top of them to get them to keep following the routine. Sigh. Otherwise the house becomes one big mishmash of precious musical instruments, precious animals, precious school papers, crumbs, candy wrappers, and dirty socks. Ug.

 

Nan

[Greenmama2]

I don't know my DH works 60 to 70 hours in a normal week and my kids are under 6. so it is all me, but then there is no other option.

snip

As for DH -- mine helps, but on ODD things. he has his hot button issues and i have mine --

Snip

 

I stay home (mostly) so i look at the house as my 'job'. Dh goes to an office; i have a house. so i expect the house stuff (cleaning bathrooms, laundry, counters, etc) to fall to me -- especially all the 'normal maintain a family stuff' .

 

I guess you need to think about the roots -- and address it that way--

This :iagree: especially the ODD bit lol. Well, I guess we all have different priorities. As for the children, well it's not online with my usual parenting priorities but I have threatened throwing away/giving to charity a few times and it works remarkably well ;) Actually I'd love to give two thirds of all our stuff away but everyone else (DH included) is too attached...

[DawnM]

I struggle with this too.

 

I will be on top of it for a week or two and then it all goes to pot because I get tired of constantly getting upset and monitoring the kids. Heck, it takes me 10 seconds to pick it up and I swear it takes them 10 minutes to do the same task because they dawdle and want exact instructions of where to put each item (not their toys but other stuff.) And yes, they should already know.....it isn't new to them.

 

What I have done in the past is a couple of things:

 

1. they each have bed risers on their beds. They have buckets under their beds. Whatever doesn't fit in their buckets GOES!

 

2. I have come in to a room filled with stupid toys and said, "I am leaving this room. Whatever you wish to KEEP, get it out of here and in your bucket under your bed. When I come back in 20 minutes I will assume everything you didn't see, be it under the sofa or hidden near the rug, you don't wish to have and it will get tossed or donated.

 

However, my nemesis is not the toys.....it is just general clutter......dishes/bags of chips left out, crumbs on the floor in the kitchen or dining room, books left out, craft items, laundry.

 

I have to get it all cleaned up by next Thursday too. We are leaving for vacation and have a neighbor coming to mind the dogs and the hamster.

 

Dawn

[lisamarie]

Yes, I feel like this every day. I want to take everything that isn't in its place and just throw it away. Sometimes I do. I have been known to throw away/donate many things that were not put away just because I was tired of seeing them on the floor. But in general, my rule is that once they are done cleaning, I come through with a trash bag. Anything left gets thrown away so they better make sure they pick up everything they want to keep.

 

Another thing that is working really well--my kids are asking for Christmas presents already. So for example, my DD6 wants things that she already pretty much has (little houses, castles, etc) and I said, you can't have another princess castle, you already have 4 almost just like it. If you want a new castle, you need to get rid of 2 old ones. You can't ask for more little toys (zoobles, polly pockets, my little ponies, those little toys that are always left out everywhere), you already have a ton. If you want more, you have to get rid of some first. My DD6, who is one step away from a hoarder, immediately went to her room and purged 3 grocery bags of toys that were good toys, not just scraps of paper and toys that are really her sister's. I didn't even look in the bag, I just threw it in the car and dropped it off at the nearest Goodwill before she changed her mind.

 

I've already warned the other 2 kids that they will need to do a serious purge before Christmas. No new toys without getting rid of some of their old ones.

 

I got so sick and tired of my boys leaving their workboots out that I started tossing them waay out in the yard. Then when they needed them they had to go find them.

 

 

:lol::lol::lol: My dad did this one day. There was a mess in the family room, he asked whose stuff it was, all us kids said it wasn't ours, so he opened the door and started chucking it into the yard since it obviously didn't belong to anyone living in our house.:lol::lol::lol:

[Mommee & Baba]

As a stay at home parent it's my job to keep the house orderly and running somewhat smoothly. This does require more of me to teach the kids how to repect our home they live in and how to help maintain it.

 

Our children follow a simple chore chart that is hanging up. Each child has 1 chore a day to do. It's posted on their chart. They have tickets that they earn for doing the chores. On Saturday mornings I open the "reward store" and they are able to spend their tickets. If they don't do chores all week they don't get to shop. However in my home all my kids have a handful of tickets to spend every weekend so far. We've been doing this for almost an entire year now and it's the only thing that has seemed to actually work. I refill the tubs for the store as money permits or I find a good sale, clearance item or ect. The boxes are filled with pencils, erasers, suckers, gum, little trinkets, toys, coupons for 30min up past bed time...things like that. Also on the chart are tasks like "Make bed, Get Dressed & Brush Teeth...if these chores are done BEFORE I have to remind them they earn a ticket. However if they are reminded they don't earn a ticket. So I've had to learn to allow them a little wake up time to realize they have to get these 3 tasks done before reminding them. The chore chart does have a slot where all the chores have their own card that states the detail of the chore. You don't earn a ticket until the chore is completed....meaning all items on it's card are done.

 

My home is almost always cleaned up. My dh when we met wasn't a messy guy to begin with. His laundry would stay in a pile next to the bed when the hamper would be near him and I would kindly ask him to put it into the basket. He did this without any issues. He keeps his dresser and such neat because I've expressed that it's disrepectful to me as the parent who cleans up the home to leave it unkept.

 

At 7:45pm each evening I hollar out "CLEAN UP TIME" and all my kids know what this means. Anything of THEIRS that isn't put away in it's place when I come around the home at 8:05pm with my box/basket or bag will be taken. They can earn it back with tickets that they earned from doing chores BUT they don't get to use the tickets in the reward store but to buy back items. So they never have had to buy back anything. My 8,6 and 2.5 yr old all dive into cleaning up after themselves usually before cleanup time but there are a couple things they have to put away when I hollar it each evening.

 

I feel as the parent who provides the children with accountability it's my responsibility to set a good example! If my bed isn't made, why should they have theirs made. If my shoes are lying around, why should theirs be put up. If the rest of the house is trashed why does their room have to be upkept. Show the child(ren) that a kept home is a happy home and is much more FUN to live in!

 

I have a cleaning schedule that I follow. It's on my fridge. Each morning while drinking my coffee I start my load of laundry for the day. Then I will make breakfast for dh before he leaves for work. I clean up the kitchen once the kids are up and watching their morning cartoons so the noise of dishes doesn't wake them. After every meal I wash the dishes and clean the kitchen up. I can't sleep witha dirty kitchen. I sweep the kitchen everyday. The laundry gets washed, dryed, folded and put away before I walk away from that chore! Otherwise it'd live in a basket and frankly I think that's just depressing! While the kids do independant school work I will do small tasks around the house if they need done. When the kids are done with school I do my 1 daily chore and then I'm able to have dinner started early or have an idea of what I'll be preparing. I like crockpot meals and fresh baked bread so we do those alot since it allows me time to sit and be on my computer instead of rushing around to tidy the house, prepare dinner and then do all the clean up after dinner.

Edited October 27, 2011 by mamaofblessings

[Jyniffrec]

I grew up in a very neat household. The house was cleaned up before my father got home and every night after supper the entire kitchen was completely clean. In fact, I can't relax after dinner until I hear the dishwasher humming. :001_smile:

 

Dh was not raised this way at all. It was a struggle for many years for us. Then, when our girls got seriously ill, I was going crazy. We had never gotten a hold on the house but I just tolerated it because I felt incapable of doing anything else with 3 little children. But a doctor absolutely insisted that I hire a housekeeper as often as I could afford it in order to hold together our sanity. They are reasonable around here so I got help every two weeks. It made us clean the house up before she came to clean. Then dh got used to the idea of the house being completely clean every once in awhile. I think he just needed to see it since he never had before. :lol:

 

Now that he and the kids have seen that it can be done our house stays a lot neater. We no longer need a housekeeper and are able to maintain it on our own. Our kids have also gotten a little older. It does get out of control every once in awhile but we just have a family cleaning night and it gets taken care of.

 

Another thing that I did, mostly because I was so exhausted, was that when they were little I would sit down in the messy room and have them bring me each toy. I would tell them where it went and they would put it away.

 

One last idea. I read this in that old series, What to Do When Your Mom or Dad Says... In the one about cleaning your room they said to put all your things on your bed and to then put them away. That has worked very well, both for me as a child and now for my children.

 

I remember a discussion here awhile back about being a perfectionist who, if you can't have it perfect, you just give up and things are a disaster. I fall into that category. I think slowly figuring out where both dh and I are coming from and what we need to do to get us moving has helped immensely.

[TXMomof4]

I haven't read all the responses, but this is how it works at our house. Whatever is being used has to be put away before something else is out. If the kids are watching movies, they have to clean up the movies, popcorn, drinks - everything before they can do anything else. If they go on to the next thing without cleaning up their mess, they have to stop what they're doing and come fix it. They hate being called in from playing with friends to clean up, but I'm not the maid and it's not my job to clean their messes. If they're coloring, it all has to be put away before they can play with the blocks. Their rooms have to be picked up before we eat dinner.

 

Dh and I usually do the cooking dishes, but all the kids are responsible for putting their own dishes in the dishwasher. One child does upper (cleans tables and counters) one does lower (sweeping the floor) after every meal. Since some of the kids are in school, I will wash and fold the laundry during the day, but they are responsible for putting it away as soon as they come home, even before homework.

 

It really is just getting them in the habit of doing it. I am not a neat person. It doesn't bother me to have a few projects all going at one time, but it isn't worth the irritation it gives dh, so we just make sure it's picked up before he comes home.

 

ETA: My mom is keeping my nieces right now quite a bit and they are MESSY. Crazy messy. She has a 10 minute pick up every hour and it is the only way to keep the chaos under control there. Everyone stops everything, set a timer for 10 minutes and clean a room. If it isn't DIRTY, just clutter, 10 minutes is more than ample time to have everything put away if everyone works together.

Edited October 27, 2011 by TXMomof4

[Mommyof4ks]

We go through as s family every night and put everything away that was taken out during the day. It is easy and generally quick. If I don't have anything out, then I clean the kitchen or a bathroom. It usually takes less than 20 minutes, and there is no frustration involved. The kids just know that every night they are to pick up all of their stuff. When they were younger we cleaned up before lunch too, because they would pull all of their toys out every morning.

[TXMomof4]

It takes time and training. If someone leaves something out you get them and make them pick it up. If they continually leave something out, toss it.

 

I got so sick and tired of my boys leaving their workboots out that I started tossing them waay out in the yard. Then when they needed them they had to go find them.

 

If you want it done then find the energy and train them. Yeah it's hard. It's also the only way. It's worth it. I have four teens in the house. btdt

 

btw, if mine whined about picking things up I found more things for them to pick up so they could practice not whining. And yes, the guys in this house work hard physical jobs every day, but that's no excuse to not take care of important items or be pigs.

 

:iagree: I should have read responses first. The whiners at our house end up doing someone else's chores too. Saturday morning is real cleaning time - as soon as dad gets up the kids clean bathrooms, vacuum, mop, etc. I sit and monitor. They swap chores every week in theory, but the whiner always has to scrub toilets.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I could have posted the same thing, OP, except my dh would never do the dishes. I know this from experience of going away for scrapbooking weekends and coming home to every dish in the house piled up in the sink and on the counters and the boys eating off of paper towels.

 

I've taken away most of my kids' toys because I got tired of nagging constantly about picking stuff up. I didn't throw (most of) them away. They are piled up in the tool room in the basement. They've earned a few back so far. I've told them that if I see dirty clothes on the floor, there will be no weekend screen time. They still leave dirty clothes on the floor.

 

So, I've come to the conclusion that, if I want to live in a clean house, I can do it myself or I can be a nagging drag that nobody likes.

 

So, I've compromised. I've established a Saturday cleaning rotation that everyone must participate in, and I nag until those chores are done. Then, the rest of the week, I just do everything myself. This has really helped keep the house cleaner than before the Saturday routine. And it has helped my sanity, as well.

Edited October 27, 2011 by thescrappyhomeschooler

[Mommyfaithe]

I wouldn't throw everything away, but I would throw everything in trashbags, and put them in a closet or the garage. If they want their stuff then they can dig in and find it. You could even make the kids pay for their stuff if they want it back. If they don't care, then throw it away. As for DH's stuff same thing, put it in bags, and if he wants it he can find it.

 

I hate the look of trash bags....but nice baskets work well. I try to keep big nice baskets strategically placed. If something is on the floor, I toss it in the basket. If they are looking for something....I tell them to check the baskets.

 

I don't keep track of their cr@p.....I expect them to do that. I do have places to chuck stuff that is left over the place. I also take it upon myself to trash anything not claimed after a long period of time. We dump and clean out the baskets every few weeks...one at a time...if they get too full.

 

Buy pretty ones that you don't mind looking at...without lids.....the lids end up on the floor all the time:D

 

Faithe

[Desert Rat]

I watched a comedian about 7 years ago, talking about household chores. He said, "Ladies, we really don't see clutter. It's not that we're ignoring it or trying to get out of it. We. Don't. See. It." I turned to my dh and I asked him. He agreed. He said he tried to see what it was that bothered me so much. But, doesn't get it. OP, that's why your dh can see the dishes and garbage. Those are tangible, understandable messes. The rest, I don't think he gets it.

I wish I could remember the comedian's name. I'd write him a thankyou note. Seriously. It's helped my marriage so much. Now, I'm teaching my boys that Mom doesn't like to see things on the floor. Pick up the stuff on the floor and I will stop complaining. I like to see all the library books on the library book shelf. Put them away there and I will be happy. It works for me. I think it made all the difference for me that my dh wasn't being lazy or didn't care; he just didn't get it.

[MicheleinMN]

:lurk5:

[Haiku]

When one parent stays home, they should do the majority of the house work.

 

 

Why? It's not like my days aren't busy, too. I'm not just hanging out at home. By mutual agreement with my dh, I am schooling the children, driving the children to their activities, and cooking meals for the family. How am I supposed to magically have more time for housework than dh does?

 

Tara

[angela in ohio]

It takes time and training. If someone leaves something out you get them and make them pick it up. If they continually leave something out, toss it....

 

If you want it done then find the energy and train them. Yeah it's hard. It's also the only way. It's worth it. I have four teens in the house. btd.

 

Honestly, it takes time and diligence to train kids (and others;)) to neatness if they aren't predisposed.

 

Training them takes work, but it's worth the time you put in because once it's done, you're all a *team*. You all live in the house. You all maintain it and respect each-other by maintaining it. But in doing so, you build teamwork. It's not mommy being everyone's maid.

 

 

I agree with these.

 

I wouldn't throw anything away, because honestly, right now it's not their fault. They need to be trained and receive some lesser consequences before progressing to throwing away their things. That's a big jump.

 

It will take a lot of time to undo the bad habits they have. As pp said, every time they leave something out, take them to it and make them pick it up. It is a short-run larger amount of effort for you, but it pays off many times over. Once they have been taught to pick up, then you can move to taking or throwing things away if you want. I relate what they do to their consequences: "You left a mess, and I had to come find you to clean it up, so now I don't ahve time to (insert thing they wanted me to do for them.)"

 

My dh doesn't usually clean, and he's very bad about picking up after himself. He isn't changing, even if I were to nag, so I have to decide what I will do (I can't change someone else, only my response.) He is very good about doing big jobs that I ask him to do. So I pick up his tie from the table every day and put it away in the closet, but I ask him to do large infrequent tasks I despise (cleaning out the oven, for example.)

[Sasharowan]

First, you need to find their currency. For mine, the oldest is about routine, if I can force him to do something for 2 weeks, it becomes routine. For dd, it is money, offer her money, she'll get it done. For both of them, appeals for help will also work, logically pointing out if mom is helped here, mom has time to do XX. Guilting does not work. For the other two, I am still working on finding ways to get them to consistently help. They respond to direct orders, but only to the letter.

 

Another thing that helped is to assign each child an area. We started with a week in each area and then switch, but found that they would just do the least amount possible if they didn't like that area. so we moved to a month before switching. Areas are Living room, dining room, kitchen, and bathrooms. Bedrooms are the responsibility of the ones who live in them, with the caveat that mom will come in and clean if it gets too bad. Each of the older 3 have an assigned laundry day where they do their clothes. They can work both the washer and dryer and they fold their clothes. Dh does help around the house where he can and is usually found picking up the slack left by the younger two, which in turn encourages them to do less. :(

[kalanamak]

Now before you all are lambasting me for complaining about dh not helping. let me qualify.

 

We both work from home and I work more hours than he does.

 

I'm not the neatest person, but I am clean (all floors done weekly, ditto toilets and bedsheets, whole house dusted at least monthly, kitchen counters/floor clean and sink empty and scrubbed every night), hubby is neither. I sympathize.

 

Not that I'm expecting you to do this, but since hubby was older, I told him he had until my retirement to figure out how to keep at least the part of the house I go in decent. If he hadn't figured it out by then, it was D.I.V.O.R.C.E. I was not going into retirement cleaning up after him.

 

He agreed to help, and has slowly learned how to sort laundry etc. I have to leave him a note, and I have to "set" some things, like the DW all ready to be closed and the switch thrown (this is a man who can build a house from scratch, and rewire one, too, so there isn't a can-do problem, it is learned helplessness). I have found that he does better with "big" things", e.g. vac whole house, or scrub all bathrooms. The more things he can use power tools on, the better. So, I might run around and pick everything up with my son the night before, and leave out the machine with a note for the morning (I head off to work). I try to give him time consuming, simple things that require large body movements.

 

He honestly doesn't see the mess. Everything out of the closet and spread around the floor would be hog heaven to him because if it is out of sight, HE CANNOT remember it. I've been assured this is part of dyslexia. May be, but streaks and drops all over the turlet is not needed for him to "remember" where to go next time he has to see a man about a dog.

 

So, for me, it has been Halving It All, moving into a smaller space, training with the threat of divorce, realistic expectations, and positive feedback.

HTH

[AHASRADA]

We have way, way too much stuff. It drives me nuts! My ultimate goal is to go through everything and get rid of 1/2 of it, because what you don't have can't be left lying around!

 

In the meantime, I gather everyone's stuff that I find spread around the main floor and put them on the stairs. Sometimes I use bins for each person. Whenever they go upstairs, they are supposed to take their stuff to their rooms. Often there is quite a bit of reminding involved, but it does eventually get done. Whether or not the items are actually put away once they get to their rooms, I don't worry about; at least they're out of the main living area. Once a week they straighten their rooms, and once a month or so I make them reorganize and declutter.

[choirfarm]

Ok.. first of all I am terrible about it myself, but I have gotten better. Here is an easy solution that works in my house. Now I wait until the end of the day, but we do a 30 minute clean-up EVERY DAY. It goes like this: I set the timer for 30 minutes. We all gather in one room. I bark out orders: you put your books away, you your shoes, you vacuum, etc. Generally 1 child helps me pick up and the other 2 do light cleaning like dusting with a featherduster or vaccuuming. We then move to the next room. Seriously, it takes us about 10 minutes a room. The formal dining room is never touched and this way the half bath, living room, kitchen and breakfast room are clean every day. The playroom/schoolroom does take longer.

 

The other thing that works is that mine cannot play videogames until the weekend. Their school must be done and the house in a reasonable state.

( especially their rooms and bathroom)

Christine

[In2why]

I hate the look of trash bags....but nice baskets work well. I try to keep big nice baskets strategically placed. If something is on the floor, I toss it in the basket. If they are looking for something....I tell them to check the baskets.

 

I don't keep track of their cr@p.....I expect them to do that. I do have places to chuck stuff that is left over the place. I also take it upon myself to trash anything not claimed after a long period of time. We dump and clean out the baskets every few weeks...one at a time...if they get too full.

 

Buy pretty ones that you don't mind looking at...without lids.....the lids end up on the floor all the time:D

 

Faithe

 

 

I hate the look of trash bags too, which is why I put them in the garage. :D But I do have a wicker basket on the landing of the stairs so that I don't have to run upstairs all day long. When I put the kids to bed, I clean out the basket, since it is mostly my stuff, and then return the basket to the landing.

 

I know that when the olders were little that I had a few times when the house was a mess that required major cleaning, but now it is just part of the routine and is easier because it never gets overwhelming.

 

I also have to say that I doubt I would have married someone who was a pig and I know that for my older kids, especially my sons it would be a deal breaker. My son broke it off with a very nice young lady because she didn't clean up after herself. So I think it is an important skill to teach our children. My other son is in the military and he is a real neat freak.

[mommymilkies]

Why? It's not like my days aren't busy, too. I'm not just hanging out at home. By mutual agreement with my dh, I am schooling the children, driving the children to their activities, and cooking meals for the family. How am I supposed to magically have more time for housework than dh does?

 

Tara

 

I agree. I haven't had a day off of "work" here in almost a decade. My dh has summers, weekends, and long vacations off of his paying job. And he works less than 30 hours a week. I don't get why that means that I'm 100% responsible for the household. I bring in income and run the whole show. OP, I feel your pain. :grouphug: