WWYD - Our son broke BIL's TV by accident

[Soror]

I agree with others and kudos to your son!

[mom2scouts]

I'm just going to jump in here and agree with the other people who said he shouldn't be punished for an accident, especially when he sincerely apologized. Apparently this is such a common accident that Wii had to make stronger warnings about the wrist strap (or add the wrist strap? I don't remember exactly.) If anything, maybe he could just do some work to help pay for the TV he broke.

[pamela&claire]

I haven't read the rest of the replies. I would leave it alone. I wouldn't punish him for it. It was an accident and he feels bad. If he didn't feel bad I think it would be a little difference and you'd have to deal with that. I think mercy needs to take over.

 

I remember breaking an expensive item by accident and my dad didn't talk to me for three days. It was the worst punishment ever. We were just talking about the other day and he was laughing about it and saying how it really was no big deal and he just went out and replaced it. I started crying - I'm an ADULT now, I shouldn't be crying over it. It hurt me so much that my dad wouldn't talk to me I was still emotional 20 years later.

Edited October 17, 2011 by pamela&claire

[Mrs Mungo]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Restitution is what is "just", but given the circumstances, it sounds like DS *and* DH are going to learn a lesson about mercy instead. It can be so uncomfortably humbling to receive mercy, but it is important to learn to not refuse it. Simply be grateful, and look for an opportunity show mercy to others (pay it forward!).

 

I agree with this.

 

BUT, I do think you and your DH should purchase them another t.v. Even if that means going to the store and picking out one that is the same brand & size or comparable. I think BIL and family handled it so kindly and without hurt feelings which is VERY nice of them. Still, your family did damage their property and I would want to take care of it. Just because they were kind about it and didn't make you feel bad, doesn't mean you shouldn't take responsibility for what happened IMO. :grouphug:

 

Lots of guys in our circle would be happy if you broke their 5 year old tv, and their wife had to let them buy a new one. ;)

 

My youngest sister and her dh are in a difficult financial situation. If this happened with her dd at my house? I would *not* want her replacing the tv. She is my baby sister, I do *not* want to cause her a financial difficulty.

[TN Mama]

Honestly? It sounds like he did learn something from this. He went to his uncle, on his own initiative, without talking to you first, and apologized profusely, while in tears? He then apologized to his aunt and his cousin, on his own initiative, as well? Goodness! I know he made a mistake but for his age, he handled it beautifully! Rather than being upset at your son, your DH should realize that his son handled that situation like an honest young man. Wow, and he is going to be punished on top of his massive feelings of guilt? I'm sorry your DH is so upset that he can't seem to see just how impressive your son's actions were.

 

Personally, I'd talk to him about how proud I am of how he handled such a difficult situation and how to be very mindful of other people's belongings, and then I'd let it go.

 

:iagree: Yes. This.

[Jen in PA]

It was an accident. He apologized, payment was offered and refused.. That should be the end of it.

 

:iagree:

[DawnM]

I would let your DH and his brother handle it. They are the ones who are family. Your son did a beautiful job and I hope your DH sees that and will not be as angry today.

 

If your DH really thinks his brother expects something I would let him deal with it.

 

We had a family incident with DH's family and we offered almost daily to give $$ towards it and we were finally told to SHUT UP and keep the money and stop talking about it! :tongue_smilie:

 

Dawn

[Trish]

I don't think there should be a consequence.

 

Well, I take that back. Your husband should have a consequence for responding poorly. But, he acted in the heat of the moment, so all is forgiven.

 

As it should be with your son.

 

It wasn't done on purpose. No point in shouting over shattered flatscreens.

[Haiku]

Dh believes there must be a consequence for this.

 

we want him to learn from this.

 

Why does there need to be consequence? Doesn't your son already feel horrible? Hasn't he now learned to stay back from the tv when using the Wii? Didn't he show incredible maturity and bravery by going to his uncle and telling him he broke the tv? Didn't he apologize to everyone in the family for breaking their tv? Honestly, what more do you want?

 

Sometimes the consequence of making a big mistake is that the person who was "harmed" doesn't see it as a big deal. Isn't it awesome that your son learned that people can respond compassionately to our mistakes? Doesn't your BIL have homeowner's insurance that will pay for the tv?

 

Honestly, I think your husband needs to chill and you guys need to let it go. If it's not bothering the owner of the tv much, don't make it a horrible issue in your own family.

 

Tara

[Remudamom]

Sounds like your dh is the problem, not your ds.

[JessReplanted]

It was an accident. He apologized, payment was offered and refused.. That should be the end of it.

 

:iagree:

[Moxie]

Sounds like your dh is the problem, not your ds.

 

Sounds like your DH is upset that he can't afford to replace the nice stuff his brother has. I think your son handled it very well. Your husband gave an 8-year-old the silent treatment; he is the one that needs consequences.

[jenL]

Is your husband maybe ... upset? (I hesitate to say embarassed, but that's the direction I'm leaning) ... that he can't afford to replace the television set his son broke, and that's aggravating any frustration he's feeling over the situation (including, perhaps, not keeping a more careful eye on the child to begin with)? You say he grew up in a house of anger, and while I did not I do know that I tend to over-react when I'm feeling somewhat responsible for a bad situation :( If this is the case with him, too, perhaps sleeping on it for a day or two will bring him back around?

 

.

 

This is exactly what the core of the problem is with dh. He is embarrassed because the TV broke, and it would be difficult for us to replace it. Last night, after I read some of the repsonses, I pointed out how his pride is the bigger issue here. I told him how all of you said ds was commendable and how treating him as anything other is just wrong and painful. We discussed how his father used to do that to him and how much it hurt him. Afterward, he chose to go into ds's room to say goodnight and thank him for his behavior, praise him, and tell him that daddy is angry but he still loves him very much. I am proud of him for that.

 

I suggested he call his brother today to explain that *HE* can't let this go and to ask how we can repay him - would he like us to buy a new TV or the money to go get his own or would something else suffice? I'm curious to see if he will do this or if he will accept the grace that has been granted. At this point, imo, it's between dh and his brother.

 

Thanks again for the ever so kind words about my ds. We are trying so hard to raise our boys with integrity, respect, and honesty while coming from families where this was poorly taught. It feels good to know others can recognize our efforts. He's a special kid, and a challenge in many ways, but his heart is so good, and I don't want that to be broken by dh or me.

 

You have no idea how much I appreciate you all! Thank you.

Edited October 17, 2011 by jenL

[bettyandbob]

This is exactly what the core of the problem is with dh. He is embarrassed because the TV broke, and it would be difficult for us to replace it. Last night, after I read some of the repsonses, I pointed out how his pride is the bigger issue here. I told him how all of you said ds was commendable and how treating him as anything other is just wrong and painful. We discussed how his father used to do that to him and how much it hurt him. Afterward, he chose to go into ds's room to say goodnight and thank him for his behavior, praise him, and tell him that daddy is angry but he still loves him very much. I am proud of him for that.

I suggested he call his brother today to explain that *HE* can't let this go and to ask how we can repay him - would he like us to buy a new TV or the money to go get his own or would something else suffice (chores from ds)? I'm curious to see if he will do this or if he will accept the grace that has been granted. At this point, imo, it's between dh and his brother.

Thanks again for the ever so kind words about my ds. We are trying so hard to raise our boys with integrity, respect, and honesty while coming from families where this was poorly taught. It feels good to know others can recognize our efforts. He's a special kid, and a challenge in many ways, but his heart is so good, and I don't want that to be broken by dh or me.

You have no idea how much I appreciate you all! Thank you.

 

I'm glad you were able to talk to your dh about the real problem. You've obviously raised a responsible 8 yo. His actions show that. I was getting worried about the lesson your ds would learn from your dh.

[Catwoman]

Afterward, he chose to go into ds's room to say goodnight and thank him for his behavior, praise him, and tell him that daddy is angry but he still loves him very much. I am proud of him for that.

 

I'm so glad to hear that! I'm sure both your ds and your dh felt better afterward. :001_smile:

 

I suggested he call his brother today to explain that *HE* can't let this go and to ask how we can repay him - would he like us to buy a new TV or the money to go get his own or would something else suffice (chores from ds)? I'm curious to see if he will do this or if he will accept the grace that has been granted. At this point, imo, it's between dh and his brother.

 

I think you should just let it go. If your dh wants to call and apologize again, that's one thing, but I don't understand why you think you need to volunteer your ds to perform chores, when your BIL already said all was forgiven. IMO, your BIL is going to feel very uncomfortable if your dh won't give up the "we must repay you somehow" attitude. PLEASE JUST LET IT GO. At the absolute most, your dh could say he wanted to apologize again for the TV, and ask if he's sure his brother doesn't want him to replace it.

 

But honestly, I can't fathom why you would think ds should do chores after his exemplary behavior. The TV thing was an accident; your ds did the right thing. That's more than enough.

 

If you're still feeling guilty about it, the next time your BIL has a project he's working on around the house, your dh can volunteer to give him a hand. I don't think your ds should have to repay your BIL for anything. It would be like you were punishing him for having done the right thing.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

It was an accident. He apologized, payment was offered and refused.. That should be the end of it.

 

:iagree: It seems he feels remorseful. I'd be more worried if he wasn't sorry about it.

[gingersmom]

There are probably thousands of kids and adults who have done the same thing.

 

If your son wants to do something, let him have a lemonade stand to raise money or do extra jobs around the house to raise money.

 

Then make a donation to a children's charity in your brother in laws name. Much more meaningful than a new television.

[jenL]

There are probably thousands of kids and adults who have done the same thing.

 

If your son wants to do something, let him have a lemonade stand to raise money or do extra jobs around the house to raise money.

 

Then make a donation to a children's charity in your brother in laws name. Much more meaningful than a new television.

 

What a great idea!!! I'm going to mention this to dh! Thank you!

[ChristusG]

Sounds like your DS has already learned from his mistake. Next time I'd just remind him to wear the wrist strap and not get too close. Sounds like DH needs to chill.

[WishboneDawn]

This is exactly what the core of the problem is with dh. He is embarrassed because the TV broke, and it would be difficult for us to replace it. Last night, after I read some of the repsonses, I pointed out how his pride is the bigger issue here. I told him how all of you said ds was commendable and how treating him as anything other is just wrong and painful. We discussed how his father used to do that to him and how much it hurt him. Afterward, he chose to go into ds's room to say goodnight and thank him for his behavior, praise him, and tell him that daddy is angry but he still loves him very much. I am proud of him for that.

 

I suggested he call his brother today to explain that *HE* can't let this go and to ask how we can repay him - would he like us to buy a new TV or the money to go get his own or would something else suffice? I'm curious to see if he will do this or if he will accept the grace that has been granted. At this point, imo, it's between dh and his brother.

 

Thanks again for the ever so kind words about my ds. We are trying so hard to raise our boys with integrity, respect, and honesty while coming from families where this was poorly taught. It feels good to know others can recognize our efforts. He's a special kid, and a challenge in many ways, but his heart is so good, and I don't want that to be broken by dh or me.

 

You have no idea how much I appreciate you all! Thank you.

 

I was going to suggest your DH was embarrasses as well.

 

Kudos to the the two of you, you for talking to him and him for being willing to see his faults. Let him know I think he's an awesome dad for being willing to see that. :)

[LibraryLover]

 

I'm glad you were able to talk to your dh about the real problem. You've obviously raised a responsible 8 yo. His actions show that. I was getting worried about the lesson your ds would learn from your dh.

 

 

That's the message I'm getting. I try to lean towards generous on the boards, but it really does sound like the father has some anger/emotional issues well out of proportion to the event(s). Especially given the age of the child. It just sounds over-the-top, and I would be on alert as the other parent.

 

I am hoping this attitude is a one time deal.

Edited October 18, 2011 by LibraryLover

[annandatje]

Sounds like your dh is the problem, not your ds.

 

:iagree: Husband is the one who needs to apologize to son, who displayed more maturity than husband. Then husband could thank brother for his kind reasoned response to the situation.

[StephanieZ]

I think your dh is out of line.

 

Your son had an accident. The owners were gracious.

 

No one should punish your son. Would your dh punish you if you had an innocent car accident? Why would you punish someone for an innocent, not careless, accident?

 

I think your dh is taking his financial envy out on your son, and is behaving like a bully.

 

Stand up for your son.

[JennyD]

I would really really want you to just drop it and leave the kid alone. Yes, sometimes there are consequences. Other times there is mercy and a shrug. If my nephew broke my television, I would want him to always remember that his Aunt Dana was really nice about it and wasn't upset and told him that stuff is just stuff. If my own kids, who I am responsible for training, broke my tv, I might want them to contribute to another. I might want to use that as a different kind of learning experience.

 

Life has room for lots of lessons. One lesson is that you try to mend/replace what you break.

 

Another lesson is that stuff is just stuff and that sometimes people who love you give you a free pass.

 

People LIKE to show mercy. So let him.

 

Love this.

 

I'm glad that you were able to talk to your DH about the real issues going on.

[mo2]

It was an accident. He apologized, payment was offered and refused.. That should be the end of it.

:iagree: I can't imagine what consequence/punishment would be appropriate. An accident is an accident.

 

ETA: I personally would be upset with dh for treating ds that way. It sends your son a message that it's not okay to have accidents.

Edited October 18, 2011 by mo2

[mo2]

Thank you everyone for validating my thoughts that what ds did in apologizing on his own was amazing enough in itself. Dh is a good man, but he grew up in a household filled with A LOT of anger, so his initial response is anger. He has been working on it through therapy, and he has made great strides. A year ago, he would have verbally exploded on ds in front of everyone; tonight, he did not (and I am so thankful).

 

I have pointed out to dh that I think what ds did was commendable. I am going to talk to him about seeing the mercy BIL has given to ds. I think he will come around.

 

Elegantlion, your comment about grace made me cry... it's so perfect. Thank you, ladies, for helping to ease this mom's heart!

 

I should have read to the end of the thread before I posted.

 

BUT, I do think you and your DH should purchase them another t.v. Even if that means going to the store and picking out one that is the same brand & size or comparable. I think BIL and family handled it so kindly and without hurt feelings which is VERY nice of them. Still, your family did damage their property and I would want to take care of it. Just because they were kind about it and didn't make you feel bad, doesn't mean you shouldn't take responsibility for what happened IMO. :grouphug:

 

No way. They said let it go, so let it go. They may feel guilty taking the money that *you* need and *they* don't. (If I'm reading the situation right). If anything, maybe ds could write a letter of apology or offer to come spend a day helping BIL with some chores or something.

 

This is exactly what the core of the problem is with dh. He is embarrassed because the TV broke, and it would be difficult for us to replace it. Last night, after I read some of the repsonses, I pointed out how his pride is the bigger issue here. I told him how all of you said ds was commendable and how treating him as anything other is just wrong and painful. We discussed how his father used to do that to him and how much it hurt him. Afterward, he chose to go into ds's room to say goodnight and thank him for his behavior, praise him, and tell him that daddy is angry but he still loves him very much. I am proud of him for that.

 

I suggested he call his brother today to explain that *HE* can't let this go and to ask how we can repay him - would he like us to buy a new TV or the money to go get his own or would something else suffice? I'm curious to see if he will do this or if he will accept the grace that has been granted. At this point, imo, it's between dh and his brother.

 

Thanks again for the ever so kind words about my ds. We are trying so hard to raise our boys with integrity, respect, and honesty while coming from families where this was poorly taught. It feels good to know others can recognize our efforts. He's a special kid, and a challenge in many ways, but his heart is so good, and I don't want that to be broken by dh or me.

 

You have no idea how much I appreciate you all! Thank you.

 

Good for your dh. Anger is hard to overcome.

[katilac]

BUT, I do think you and your DH should purchase them another t.v. Even if that means going to the store and picking out one that is the same brand & size or comparable. I think BIL and family handled it so kindly and without hurt feelings which is VERY nice of them. Still, your family did damage their property and I would want to take care of it. Just because they were kind about it and didn't make you feel bad, doesn't mean you shouldn't take responsibility for what happened IMO. :grouphug:

 

I disagree. I would take them at what seems to be their heartfelt word. It doesn't at all sound like a half-hearted, polite refusal. As others have pointed out, extending grace can be a pleasurable thing, and having it refused a very unpleasant thing. A similar thing happened to me once, I made it very clear that the item was an extra that not only didn't need replacing, I actually did not WANT it replaced, and I was rather annoyed when the mom brought a replacement anyway. I'd be REALLY annoyed if someone replaced an old tv when I asked them not to, lol! dang, they spent money on this, now I have to keep it!

 

In this case, I know I would prefer to have the other people drop it, just like I asked them to. If you're the person or parent of the person who broke something, you should offer to pay, and you should offer more than once in case the first no is out of politeness . . . but then believe what they are saying, and let it go.

[WishboneDawn]

No way. They said let it go, so let it go. They may feel guilty taking the money that *you* need and *they* don't. (If I'm reading the situation right). If anything, maybe ds could write a letter of apology or offer to come spend a day helping BIL with some chores or something.

 

:iagree: That's something that could really get in the way of the relationship and make the BIL and his family feel uncomfortable. They made their wishes and thoughts in the matter clear. Forcing a replacement TV on them now would not be a gracious act.

[mom2denj]

Honestly? It sounds like he did learn something from this. He went to his uncle, on his own initiative, without talking to you first, and apologized profusely, while in tears? He then apologized to his aunt and his cousin, on his own initiative, as well? Goodness! I know he made a mistake but for his age, he handled it beautifully! Rather than being upset at your son, your DH should realize that his son handled that situation like an honest young man. Wow, and he is going to be punished on top of his massive feelings of guilt? I'm sorry your DH is so upset that he can't seem to see just how impressive your son's actions were.

 

Personally, I'd talk to him about how proud I am of how he handled such a difficult situation and how to be very mindful of other people's belongings, and then I'd let it go.

:iagree:COMPLETELY!

[amyable]

I remember breaking an expensive item by accident and my dad didn't talk to me for three days. It was the worst punishment ever. We were just talking about the other day and he was laughing about it and saying how it really was no big deal and he just went out and replaced it. I started crying - I'm an ADULT now, I shouldn't be crying over it. It hurt me so much that my dad wouldn't talk to me I was still emotional 20 years later.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

I'm comforted to know I'm not the only one having flashbacks reading this thread. I'm sorry you had to deal with junk like this too.

 

To the OP, I'm so glad it sound like things are working out for the best.

[QuirkyKapers]

It was an accident. He apologized, payment was offered and refused.. That should be the end of it.

I haven't read all the replies but I agree with this :iagree: He went right away and apologized and bil doesn't want payment.

 

Sounds like you had a good talk with dh. Glad he went and talked with ds. Grace given is sometimes very hard to recieve. I don't think dh needs to do anything excpet maybe thank bil for being so gracious and that his graciousness taught son a very good lesson about being loved even if you mess up.

Edited October 18, 2011 by QuirkyKapers
Read entire thread :)

[SKL]

A couple of things.

 

First, I'm proud of your son for taking responsibility, apologizing, and realizing he had done something he should not have done.

 

Second, I'm glad for your family that you worked this out with your husband.

 

Third, I would probably give him some work to do to earn the ability to make some sort of amends. It would obviously only be partial amends, but I do believe kids need to learn to be accountable to the extent they can. However, I would not attach a guilt trip to this. He felt appropriate guilt all on his own; now it's time to move on.

 

I understand your husband's feeling; the fact that nothing can be done to undo the accident is frustrating. He may also feel a bit guilty for not preventing the accident himself. However, what's done is done. It's a blessing that your in-laws are so kind.