Did your husband ask your father if he could ask for your hand in marriage?

[Farrar]

My father probably would have told him no - he wanted me to marry the guy I dated before dh. So thank goodness he didn't.

 

I'm really surprised at how many people did! I think of this as something rare in real life and common in movies.

[chepyl]

Yes, when we were playing truth or dare with our friends In high school. We were at my house, we recorded the whole game. DH's dare was to ask my dad if he could marry me (we were not yet dating). Dad said "sure, take her."

 

But, he did not ask again when we really got engaged. The situation was not a pleasant one. Now everythimg is good :)

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I would never have married a man who asked for my father's permission or asked for my "hand in marriage". It is a sexist throwback to a time when women and daughters were viewed as property and I would NEVER put up with that attitude. :glare:

 

It is not about "respect for the father". I and I alone make adult decisions in my life. To ask him for permission.......appalling!

[Alte Veste Academy]

No and I'm pretty sure my dad would have both laughed and said "you need to ask her yourself". We just don't roll that way in our family.

 

:iagree:

 

I would have been offended as well.

 

I don't think I would have been offended so much as thinking, "Dude, seriously? Why would you want to marry me when you don't actually know me?!" :lol:

[daffodil]

Nope. I don't have a relationship with my father, but even if I did he wouldn't have asked.

[KristinaBreece]

Well.... we got married when DS was 4 months old. Didn't occur to him to ask my dad (or anyone) what they thought. We had a quick, simple ceremony in his parents' living room with his cousin the minister officiating. Just our parents & my brothers were there.

 

I found out later that this all really broke my dad's heart. I know it sounds silly & antiquated, but it did matter to my dad. He would have liked to have been asked for his blessing, and he would have liked to have paid for a wedding for me. I'm his only daughter. I can understand a dad wanting that for their only daughter. And I think I would want DS, when the time comes, to ask the girl's parents for their blessing, or at least to talk to them (and us!) about his plans before he proposes to someone.

 

We were so not prepared to start a marriage. And if we had been less stubborn, and talked to our parents (or anyone who had a little life under their belt) about ANYTHING while we were 21, we would have gotten some good advice that would have helped us.

[luvnlattes]

At the time I did not have a relationship with my father, so no he didn't ask.

[aggieamy]

No. I was 22. My dad would have been *so uncomfortable & he was thrilled when we told him & my mom the news.

 

I don't think every dad wants to be asked.

 

My dad wouldn't have wanted to be asked. In fact I'm glad DH didn't because my dad would still be laughing over something like that. Like an earlier poster said, we don't roll that way in my family. :001_smile:

[scrappyhappymama]

My husband did talk to my father (and my mother), but we were already engaged, so it was really just a respectful formality.

 

My folks knew I was dated him and strongly suspected we were engaged, but I was away at college, so they hadn't even met him yet. He flew up to my parents' home and I picked him up from the airport, and he was SO nervous to meet my parents, especially my dad who I was very close to. He was afraid they would judge him for being a few years older than me, a sailor, from a different racial background, from Texas (ha!), and for wanting to marry their very young daughter so soon. Fortunately, I knew that these things would not be an issue for my parents, but he was still nervous. My husband is a talker, and my parents are very quiet and reserved, so after introductions my husband talked for about three hours straight until my dad finally piped up and said, "Could you just get to the point?" :lol:

[Kathleen in VA]

This thread has been enlightening. I never thought of the idea of a man asking a father for a woman's hand in marriage as indicating the men thought of the woman as chattel. Historically speaking, I suppose that has been the case very often. But it isn't the way I view the act now - at least not in the community I'm a part of.

 

My first experience with this concept was when my oldest niece got to be old enough to date and marry. She's extremely pretty, sweet and kind - a very popular young lady at my church. When a young man began to show an interest in her (she was about 16 I think) he came to her father and asked permission to court her. Her father approached her and asked if she was interested or not. She most definitely was not, so her father told the young man no, he could not court his daughter. In this case, her father was running defense for her - keeping her out of the awkward situation of having to tell the guy he just was not her type. I think it was an ideal set up because the guy didn't take the rejection personally (not really knowing why her father said no) and my niece did not have to feel uncomfortable the next time she ran into the guy at church. This scenario repeated itself many times. She met her now dh when she was 26 and got married at 27 and he's perfect for her.

 

My son went through a similar process with his wife. Her parents are very old friends of ours. My son wanted to go through the dad because he wanted his (now) wife to be able to reject him without having to feel awkward and uncomfortable about it. She was able to discuss the whole idea of courtship and marriage with her parents and get their opinion of my son as a possible future husband before the whole relationship began. Even though my son had spent a lot of time at their house up to that point, she really had no idea he was interested in her that way and was taken by surprise. Her dad asked her what she thought about my son, asked her to pray about it and let him know how she wanted to proceed. He didn't just arrange the whole thing behind her back. Again, it was kind of like someone running defense for her so she wasn't put in the awkward situation of perhaps having to reject my son as a suitor.

 

In both of those cases, I think the gesture of asking the dad first kept the risk for hurt feelings down considerably and was a protection for both the suitor and the young lady involved.

 

My father and I did not have much of a relationship - he lives (and lived 25 years ago when my dh asked me to marry him) 5000 miles away in Hawaii. It would have been extremely weird for my dh to ask my dad for my hand. I'm positive my dad wouldn't have cared either way.

[Jennifer3141]

I woule NEVER have married my DH if he did. Our marriage is OUR marriage. I was never my father's property. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Other - My dh called my dad to tell him that he had asked me for my hand in marriage and that I had said "Yes". He told me that he did not want to risk my dad saying "No".

[Britomart]

I voted "yes", although really, he talked to both my parents, and was asking for their blessing, not for permission.

[ChristineW]

My father died two years before I met DH. I think he would have asked my dad; he didn't ask my mom.

 

Christine

[Melinda in VT]

Am I the only one who keeps thinking of

?

 

No, DH didn't ask my parents. And it wasn't because my dad and I weren't close, because we were. He didn't ask because it was my choice whether to marry DH, not my parents'. Why ask when a No answer wouldn't change your course of action?

[dangermom]

It never occurred to us to ask my dad about our engagement. The engagement itself was a surprise to us and I called my folks at about 2am to tell them. It went like this:

 

Me-- Hi Dad, guess what I'm sort of engaged.

Dad--Oh, that's just fine. Who to?

 

My dad had been hoping I would marry him and knew perfectly well who I meant.

 

I actually didn't know that people were still doing the hand-asking thing, and in grad school I really put my foot in it. A clgassmate was telling about how her boyfriend had asked her dad for her hand and I blurted out "What if he said no?" They were living together so I thought it was kind of odd to do this ceremony as if she was her dad's property or something. She thought I was crazy, probably.

[Kirch]

Yes, but was more for his blessing than for permission. It was more of a sweet, old-fashioned gesture of respect than anything else--we knew we didn't *need* their permission.

[Murphy101]

Didn't read replies.

 

There was some YouTube thing a bit back where a girl's boyfriend made arrangments to have her see him ask her father in a "movie preview" at the theatre.

 

I guess it was supposed to be uber sweet or romantic or something.

 

I thought it was freaky weird icky nuts.

 

But hey. If that's what his girl wanted, kudos to him for doing whatever to make her happy.

[Cassy]

It's funny, but to me the fact that I'm nobody's 'property' seems so obvious it's hardly worth saying.

 

When DH asked my mother if he could marry me, it was just a traditional formality, there are lots of those around weddings. It was also a way of involving her in this exciting new stage of our lives. She was my family so it was an important stage in her life too, and it was lovely to acknowledge that.

 

Cassy

[DusksAngel]

No, I don't have that kind of relationship with my father, and never did.

[Murphy101]

I don't think it necessarily means they view the woman as chattel.

 

I do think if they are grown enough to be married, then they are grown enough to make the choice without mom and dad. THAT is the part I find weird. I don't get a say in their friends or when they have children or where they work or ... So being asked about who they marry seems .. Off... To me.

 

Kathleen gives some nice examples. I suppose. But risking pain is part of risking loving another person. *shrugs*

[Danestress]

But it does imply that the woman is still somehow under her father's authority. No one loves me like my dad did, but neither he nor I would have felt I was under his protection or authority at 24. So no, my dh didn't ask. And I would say dh and I are both disinclined to seek approval formally for decisions. But it means a lot to me that my dad liked dh so much and that dh had so much affection and respect for him.

[cathmom]

I voted other. My dh did not; however, he would have if my father were a different kind of person. He always had planned to ask the father; he debated a while about asking my dad, and finally decided not to, which (after he asked me) I totally agreed was the right decision.

[Audrey]

No. We eloped. I was a grown up when I got married, not a teenage girl. Actually.... the thought of that (dh asking my dad's permission) makes me laugh. It would have made my dad laugh, too.

[Kathleen in VA]

After I posted, I realized that I was really trying to compare apples with oranges in a way. These young men asked the fathers before there was any notion of a relationship in the works. By asking the dads, they could be headed off at the pass as it were, before any of the girls was the wiser. Trying to avoid pain in that case just makes good sense, imo.

 

Loving someone does risk pain. Once you get into the courtship, engagement, wedding, marriage part there will most definitely be pain - it's unavoidable. But I think by avoiding unwanted suitors, that pain can be minimized and really ought to be. I mean, why go looking for pain when you don't have to?

[Aubrey]

Yes, but was more for his blessing than for permission. It was more of a sweet, old-fashioned gesture of respect than anything else--we knew we didn't *need* their permission.

 

:iagree:

 

We were young, so we wanted outside wisdom...but really, I can't imagine *not* wanting that. You don't want to make such a huge decision when you're all doe-eyed. My mom had great advice on the guys I dated, but always withheld it unless I asked. To me, asking is saying I WANT to know, I want to go in w/ my eyes open.

 

We talked to our pastor, who HAD told people NO. Dh talked to his parents, who I was sure would say, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??? I can't remember which of us talked to my mom, but Grand Dad was the last one. And I was pretty sure he'd say no, too. For all of these people who love us & have tons of life experience to give us their blessing meant a lot.

 

Plus...I don't know...I don't see marriage as solely about the dh & dw. I mean...if you're going to raise kids together, BE part of the family you come from (assuming all's good there), it makes sense to include them to a degree on the decision. And...unless there's good reason, why would they say no? I only see good coming from talking to family first. :001_smile:

[Kathleen in VA]

:iagree:

 

We were young, so we wanted outside wisdom...but really, I can't imagine *not* wanting that. You don't want to make such a huge decision when you're all doe-eyed. My mom had great advice on the guys I dated, but always withheld it unless I asked. To me, asking is saying I WANT to know, I want to go in w/ my eyes open.

 

We talked to our pastor, who HAD told people NO. Dh talked to his parents, who I was sure would say, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??? I can't remember which of us talked to my mom, but Grand Dad was the last one. And I was pretty sure he'd say no, too. For all of these people who love us & have tons of life experience to give us their blessing meant a lot.

 

Plus...I don't know...I don't see marriage as solely about the dh & dw. I mean...if you're going to raise kids together, BE part of the family you come from (assuming all's good there), it makes sense to include them to a degree on the decision. And...unless there's good reason, why would they say no? I only see good coming from talking to family first. :001_smile:

 

:iagree:Well put!

[Alte Veste Academy]

:iagree:

 

We were young, so we wanted outside wisdom...but really, I can't imagine *not* wanting that. You don't want to make such a huge decision when you're all doe-eyed. My mom had great advice on the guys I dated, but always withheld it unless I asked. To me, asking is saying I WANT to know, I want to go in w/ my eyes open.

 

We talked to our pastor, who HAD told people NO. Dh talked to his parents, who I was sure would say, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??? I can't remember which of us talked to my mom, but Grand Dad was the last one. And I was pretty sure he'd say no, too. For all of these people who love us & have tons of life experience to give us their blessing meant a lot.

 

Plus...I don't know...I don't see marriage as solely about the dh & dw. I mean...if you're going to raise kids together, BE part of the family you come from (assuming all's good there), it makes sense to include them to a degree on the decision. And...unless there's good reason, why would they say no? I only see good coming from talking to family first. :001_smile:

 

I can see this for some families and situations. The problem is that it assumes that the parents/family are of sound judgment where matters of the heart are concerned and/or able to provide good insight. My parents' marriage was/is not a happy one. I wouldn't take marriage advice from either of my parents, ever, even all these years later.

 

Plus, I waited 4.5 years for a proposal, and was a 25 year old with an M.S. and a career. Doe-eyed I was not (at that point, anyway! :D).

 

ETA: Sorry. I see you gave the caveat of all being good there. Must stop reading too fast. :)

[annandatje]

I would never have married a man who asked for my father's permission or asked for my "hand in marriage". It is a sexist throwback to a time when women and daughters were viewed as property and I would NEVER put up with that attitude. :glare:

 

It is not about "respect for the father". I and I alone make adult decisions in my life. To ask him for permission.......appalling!

 

:iagree: I do not find it the least bit nostalgic or respectable. Personally I find it creepy in the same way I find "pledging purity" to a parent creepy.

[Aubrey]

I can see this for some families and situations. The problem is that it assumes that the parents/family are of sound judgment where matters of the heart are concerned and/or able to provide good insight. My parents' marriage was/is not a happy one. I wouldn't take marriage advice from either of my parents, ever, even all these years later.

 

Plus, I waited 4.5 years for a proposal, and was a 25 year old with an M.S. and a career. Doe-eyed I was not (at that point, anyway! :D).

 

ETA: Sorry. I see you gave the caveat of all being good there. Must stop reading too fast. :)

 

It's not that I was doe-eyed exactly...dh & I decided to get married w/out dating because we thought it was right (felt God's call). And my parents didn't have a happy marriage, either, BUT I don't think that's necessarily a requirement for having good insight into someone else's relationship, kwim? Without ever having been married, I could see some marriages were just doomed. I could see character flaws in people that would be enough for ME not to marry them.

 

Not to say all people should always ask all family or anything. My great-grandparents were married for 70 years: I would have wanted their input no matter how old/educated I was, if they were still alive. :001_smile:

[scrappyhappymama]

I posted already, but just wanted to add that my husband "asked" my dad because it is tradition, and in our families it was a sign of respect and not offensive or laughable.

 

I don't think following this tradition implies that we believe women are chattel or the property of their fathers. Not anymore than my father "giving me away" at the wedding ceremony. Sure, these traditions are rooted in a patriarchal family structure. And I have no problem with folks who choose not to honor these traditions in their own families. But, there are MANY traditions today, rooted in unsavory practices in the past, that just don't mean that today.

[Melinda in VT]

:iagree:

 

We were young, so we wanted outside wisdom...but really, I can't imagine *not* wanting that. You don't want to make such a huge decision when you're all doe-eyed. My mom had great advice on the guys I dated, but always withheld it unless I asked. To me, asking is saying I WANT to know, I want to go in w/ my eyes open.

 

I certainly talked to my parents about marrying DH once I realized that was a possibility. I assume he talked to his parents as well. Not having the potential husband ask the father for permission does not mean the couple is not seeking advice from their parents.

[Aubrey]

I certainly talked to my parents about marrying DH once I realized that was a possibility. I assume he talked to his parents as well. Not having the potential husband ask the father for permission does not mean the couple is not seeking advice from their parents.

 

My family is pretty hands-off. If I don't *specifically* say I want to know their opinion, they'll listen & keep their mouths shut. At least, until it's too late. ;)

 

I'm not saying it has to work exactly the same way for everybody--just that I think including family in the decision at some point in some way is generally a good idea in healthy-ish families.

[sheryl]

Yes, my then boyfriend, now dh, did ask for my father's approval. We dated in the 70's.

[HRAAB]

No! We were both grown adults and had been living on our own for some time. I can't imagine my dad's reaction if my dh had asked for my hand - probably something along the lines of "um, I think your'e asking the wrong person".

 

That does not mean I didn't respect my parents. I absolutely respected them and their wisdom and knowledge, and I often asked for advice (I miss that so much now that they're both gone). My parents knew my dh quite well since we had dated for 3 yrs. so I would have known if they had reservations which they didn't. Still, I was not something to be given away or kept. I was and am an individual with the right to make those decisions for myself. So what is the point of a man asking a woman's father? Some nice, old fashioned custom that has little or no meaning anymore. I wanted my parents' approval, respect and support, not their permission.

 

If someone is going to ask for permission to marry today, why just the father? Does the mother's opinion not count?

[PeacefulChaos]

I voted other, because while he did not, he really wanted to but I told him not to, because my gpa would have said no. :) We had known each other/been dating 3 months.

[curlygirlzx2]

My father is deceased so no.

[Embassy]

No, I wouldn't have wanted him to ask. I was an independent woman living thousands of miles away from my parents. It would have made no difference if my dad said yes or no.

[Joker]

No. I was living 1000 miles away from home and in my own apartment when I met dh. By the time he asked me to marry him he had only met my dad once. I would have thought it strange if he called up my dad and asked ~ and so would my dad.

[Joker]

No, I wouldn't have wanted him to ask. I was an independent woman living thousands of miles away from my parents. It would have made no difference if my dad said yes or no.

 

Same here!

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

Yes, my husband did ask my father-I don't know if it was for a blessing, permission or both. Neither has shared the full extent of their conversation with me, nor do I need them to.

 

Of course I am and always have been very close to my father so that may have gone a long way to solidify my husband's decision to ask beyond his own belief that it is the right thing to do.

 

You must also keep in mind that neither of these men have ever considered me their property. Nor do I consider myself their property.

 

I do think it was a sweet gesture that recognized the close relationship I have with my parents and how he wished to become part of our family. I don't think that a man asking such a question should in anyway imply that he is some sort of patriarchal neanderthal or that he is offering insult to the woman he wishes to marry. Nor do I think that the woman should be busy being offended if he does ask. Its like the scene in Father of the Bride where she tries to break off the engagement because the fiance gives her a blender as a gift and she takes it as a commentary on womanhood and her role in their marriage. Steve Martin must convince his daughter that it is just an object and was given because the fiance thought she would want to have one in their new home because she likes to make smoothies or some such drink. Sometimes the insult just isn't there.

[MinivanMom]

No, I was estranged from my biological father and don't believe in that sort of thing (asking permission).

 

My dh did talk to his parents about the fact that he was planning to propose to me and they were adamant that he ask my father's permission to marry me. Dh tried to explain my family situation to them (bio father not in my life), but they felt that he must just need to ask my stepfather's permission instead. Dh tried to explain that my mother and stepfather had only been married for two years (while I had been living completely independently and self-supporting for 5 yrs), but his parents were sure that there must be some MAN in charge of me who could grant PERMISSION for the marriage to take place. :glare: Dh's parents are very controlling and patriarchal like that. They began to imply that they wouldn't support our marriage if permission wasn't granted from some MAN who had authority over me!

 

In the end dh called my mom to tell her he was planning to propose. She squealed and told him how excited she was (with step-father in the background). This was relayed back to his parents as, "I spoke to girlfriend's mother and she and stepfather are super excited that I'm going to propose!" This was enough to satisfy their patriarchal views. I told him later that he should have just told his parents to shove it, but he's a people-pleaser like that.

 

The whole thing left a bad taste in dh's mouth. I don't think he would react well if a guy asked permission to marry one of our daughters. I think the very act of asking would send up red flags for him. He certainly wouldn't see it as a sign of respect for himself, but more as a sign that the guy does not respect our daughter or women in general.

[freeindeed]

Yep, my dh asked my father for my hand. I thought it was wonderful that he respected my father enough to ask. Also, my father was touched by the gesture and gladly "gave me away.";)

[Audrey]

:iagree: I do not find it the least bit nostalgic or respectable. Personally I find it creepy in the same way I find "pledging purity" to a parent creepy.

 

 

Ugh. Yes. There is that, too.

 

Mostly, I find it so juvenile. "Will your daddy let you play with me?" That's exactly what it seems like to me. I mean, really... if you aren't mature enough to make a decision to marry someone on your own, then perhaps you aren't mature enough to marry, period. Some people seem to like the idea of clinging to parental approval. Some parents, I suppose, encourage that mindset as well. To me, it seems antithetical to the concept of being an adult, or raising an adult.

Edited October 7, 2011 by Audrey

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Ugh. Yes. There is that, too.

 

Mostly, I find it so juvenile. "Will your daddy let you play with me?" That's exactly what it seems like to me. I mean, really... if you aren't mature enough to make a decision to marry someone on your own, then perhaps you aren't mature enough to marry, period. Some people seem to like the idea of clinging to parental approval. Some parents, I suppose, encourage that mindset as well. To me, it seems antithetical to the concept of being an adult.

 

:iagree: Yes, this goes to what a pp wrote about the father being asked if someone could court his dd and that she was relieved that she didn't have to hurt the boy's feelings by letting him know that she wasn't interested. If you are old enough to date/court/whatever, you should be old enough and mature enough to handle those situations, imo. Learning how to talk to people and let them down easy is part of maturing. Needing someone to act as a go-between is childish, imo and means that a person is not ready for dating/courting/etc.

Edited October 7, 2011 by ThatCyndiGirl

[Dustybug]

I don't understand why you would be offended. My husband called my parents living in Europe to ask my dad. I think it showed a sign of respect for my parents. I don't know why anyone would be offended over that, I think it is sweet and honorable.

 

:iagree:

I also think it a stretch, and a large one, to say that a man who does do this does not respect women.

 

I voted "no," but my father was never a part of my life and died when I was in high school. If he had been alive and actually around, I would have liked for my DH to ask. It isn't about granting permission, for me, it's about getting a blessing. Like a pp said, if your family is close knit, I think it does well to know what they feel about such a monumental decision.

[Aubrey]

Mostly, I find it so juvenile. "Will your daddy let you play with me?" That's exactly what it seems like to me. I mean, really... if you aren't mature enough to make a decision to marry someone on your own, then perhaps you aren't mature enough to marry, period. Some people seem to like the idea of clinging to parental approval. Some parents, I suppose, encourage that mindset as well. To me, it seems antithetical to the concept of being an adult, or raising an adult.

 

I'm sure the asking permission thing could be done in an immature way, but as a general rule? I think it's much more immature--and in keeping w/ the mindset of a self-centered culture--to just make one's own decision w/out any input from anyone else because I know best.

 

Teenagers don't ask advice; adults do.

[Aubrey]

He certainly wouldn't see it as a sign of respect for himself, but more as a sign that the guy does not respect our daughter or women in general.

 

:confused:

 

I think respectful men can reasonably disagree on this point.

 

If the act of asking a blessing or permission on a marriage to your dd would really upset your dh this much...that sounds neither respectful nor reasonable to me.

[Audrey]

I'm sure the asking permission thing could be done in an immature way, but as a general rule? I think it's much more immature--and in keeping w/ the mindset of a self-centered culture--to just make one's own decision w/out any input from anyone else because I know best.

 

Teenagers don't ask advice; adults do.

 

The question was not about asking a father's ADVICE on marrying. It was about asking PERMISSION.

 

Two different animals, Aubrey.

 

Children ask permission. Adults make decisions for themselves.

Edited October 7, 2011 by Audrey

[gardenmom5]

My father was deceased. He did not ask my mother (not that I would have cared about her opinion).