When you post on a message board, do you write

[Lisa R.]

down words that would be similar to the words you would speak in someone's house? In other words, is your tone different when you speak over the internet compared to the tone you use in person?

 

*I'm not talking about anyone's thread in particular.* I'm talking about responses I see on-line in general. In real life, I *never* see people talking this directly or rudely, yet I frequently see it on-line.

 

What is your opinion? If is alright to be more abrasive over the internet because if offers us a degree of anonymity? Do you think we should be more direct IRL, too?

 

Or...should we act on-line as we would in person?

[Jean in Newcastle]

What you see is what you get with me. I am direct but I try to be polite too. Sometimes I fail in that in real life as well as on line. (I am also always aware of the fact that at least 20 if not more people on here know me by sight!)

[Tarreymere]

I think that when you 'hear' me IRL, you also see the facial expressions that go along with the words and the total message is modulated by facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language, ect. I think that anytime you only 'hear' people in a written format the words are going to seem more direct and rude because the only thing that can be interpreted are the words. There is no modulation.

 

Further, being verbally direct or blunt is often times a result of raising kids, especially teen-agers who as a group tend to enjoy taking the verbal ball and running with it ("But, Mom, you said it wasn't a good idea to do XYZ, how was I supposed to know I wasn't allowed to do it?" <insert artificially confused look here> ).

Edited September 10, 2011 by Rainefox

[Mrs Mungo]

I am direct is person. But, I am known for being very, very nice. You have no facial expressions or body language online to soften any directness. Therefore, it comes across as more abrasive and rude online than in real life. It helps when you give people the benefit of the doubt and when you learn their "voice."

Edited September 10, 2011 by Mrs Mungo
Iphone

[akmommy]

Some of it I believe is the lack of facial exspession and tone, but I also think the anonymous nature of the Internet allows some people to be rude or say things they ordinarily wouldn't because there is no real consequence to it.

 

I try to remember that I'm talking to real people with real feelings when I post on forums but there are many who don't.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I try hard to be nice online, much the same as in person. I have noticed, in general not just this forum, people who don't use their real name/picture seem to let loose to a greater degree than people who do. Now it's quite possible those same people also let loose in real life too, but there's no way to know for sure.

[Denise in Florida]

In fact I make extra effort to make sure I am expressing myself clearly and empathetically. Since I can not depend on tone of voice or facial expression to assure the reader that I am speaking kindly, or at least with best intentions, I try to make sure my words communicate this.

 

However, because I can only 'see' half the conversation I do know that I can misread people and I can be misread. I try to live under the 'umbrella of mercy'. :tongue_smilie:

[Ellie]

I think people who know me IRL would recognize me on-line, but I try to be more careful on-line, even when I'm being more direct, if that makes any sense. :blink: Not only is it sometimes easier to misunderstand people's tone of voice on-line, but stuff can come back to bite you when you've written it down!

[The Girls' Mom]

I think my responses are similar. However, my speech IRL isn't as well put together as my writing. I have a strong tendency to revert back to hillbilly when I'm talking, especially if I'm nervous or excited. (It's embarrassing really)

 

I always try to be considerate of others in both cases.

[Caterpiller]

I have a hard time understanding sarcasim and "beating around the bush" in real life. As a result, I myself try to be direct in what im saying. If I don't understand something, I clam up in real life, same as online. I can read an entire thread and write a monsterous reply to it and realize my point isn't coming together, and just delete it. (That happens more often then not.) In real life its much the same but I have to decide quicker to keep my mouth shut or not.

[Cassy]

I have noticed, in general not just this forum, people who don't use their real name/picture seem to let loose to a greater degree than people who do. Now it's quite possible those same people also let loose in real life too, but there's no way to know for sure.

 

I don't use my real name/picture here (for what I believe to be valid reasons), but that doesn't make me feel anonymous. I absolutely own anything I write here, and try to be sensitive and kind. I also cringe painfully when I realise I've written something stupid (which I seem to do more than I'd like). The person writing here is the real me, and I feel respect and a certain connectedness with the people here. Whether I 'sound' the same here as I do to people IRL I don't know, but I care about people here pretty much the same as I do about people IRL, and care about what they think of me. And now I'm sure you all think I'm a rambling looney :D.

 

Cassy

[nmoira]

Other.

 

I find that online discourse demands greater precision than face-to-face conversation, a precision I don't often attain without sounding pedantic. :tongue_smilie: But it depends on the person: I'm not afraid to be wrong or to be called out on it, but I can hardly bear the though of being misunderstood or misconstruing someone else's words. Others have different priorities and probably thicker skins. :lol:

[Laurie4b]

Before I say something in a thread, I typically run through my head whether and how I would say something IRL.

 

I am really bothered by what I view as real nastiness on some threads. I don't know anyone IRL who is as ugly as some things get on this board.

[proverbs356lady]

I think that when you 'hear' me IRL, you also see the facial expressions that go along with the words and the total message is modulated by facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language, ect. I think that anytime you only 'hear' people in a written format the words are going to seem more direct and rude because the only thing that can be interpreted are the words. There is no modulation.

 

:iagree:

 

Some of it I believe is the lack of facial exspession and tone, but I also think the anonymous nature of the Internet allows some people to be rude or say things they ordinarily wouldn't because there is no real consequence to it.

 

I try to remember that I'm talking to real people with real feelings when I post on forums but there are many who don't.

:iagree:

 

In fact I make extra effort to make sure I am expressing myself clearly and empathetically. Since I can not depend on tone of voice or facial expression to assure the reader that I am speaking kindly, or at least with best intentions, I try to make sure my words communicate this.

 

However, because I can only 'see' half the conversation I do know that I can misread people and I can be misread. I try to live under the 'umbrella of mercy'. :tongue_smilie:

:iagree:

 

I voted other. I try to be myself online but am more careful about how I choose my words. Others have already clearly expressed why.

[KidsHappen]

I am more aloof in real life. I don't engage as much as on-line. So I don't have as many disagreements but I also don't learn as much. I think that on-line is a good place for directness. If you find it uncomfortable it is easy to step away for awhile and disengage. Direct does not necessarily mean rude though. It is still possible to be direct without being rude.

[Parrothead]

I'm the same here and IRL. I don't have much of a filter between the brain and the mouth. Nor do my thoughts come out fully formed at times. Which leads to misunderstandings. I know what I'm talking about, but only about half the time do others. :tongue_smilie:

Edited September 11, 2011 by Parrothead

[Georgiana Daniels]

O

I don't use my real name/picture here (for what I believe to be valid reasons), but that doesn't make me feel anonymous. I absolutely own anything I write here, and try to be sensitive and kind. I also cringe painfully when I realise I've written something stupid (which I seem to do more than I'd like). The person writing here is the real me, and I feel respect and a certain connectedness with the people here. Whether I 'sound' the same here as I do to people IRL I don't know, but I care about people here pretty much the same as I do about people IRL, and care about what they think of me. And now I'm sure you all think I'm a rambling looney :D.

 

Cassy

 

Oh, I definitely believe that people, even without pictures or real names can be/are sincere and kind online. What I meant was that sometimes people who are anonymous take the liberty to say more online than they would irl. Am I making any sense, or only in my head? Lol!

[Cassy]

O

 

Oh, I definitely believe that people, even without pictures or real names can be/are sincere and kind online. What I meant was that sometimes people who are anonymous take the liberty to say more online than they would irl. Am I making any sense, or only in my head? Lol!

 

You're making perfect sense :001_smile:. I didn't think you were having a go at everyone who's anonymous, I was just trying to say that even an anonymous person doesn't necessarily feel anonymous; I would hate to hurt someone here, just as I would IRL, and I do get hurt if someone is sharp with me here. It is so easy to misunderstand and be misunderstood on a forum :tongue_smilie:. FWIW I really don't like being 'in disguise', but that's another problem with public forums.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[Georgiana Daniels]

I agree about the being in disguise part. I am actually a member of another forum where I am anonymous, and while my personality is the same, it is not a place I necessarily want to be "out there." (Nothing naughty, lol! Just an area of life I have to come to terms with.)

[Murphy101]

You are presuming what you view as rude or abrasive IS rude or abrasive.

You also lump being direct with being rude or abrasive, which is also a matter of opinion.

 

As for myself - yes I am a very direct person in real life. I don't think anyone who knows me IRL would disagree with that.

 

Whether they think it rude or abrasive usually has more to do with whether they like what I said or if they simply prefer to chitchat about the weather in general, IME.

 

To me you're real question is whether or not people are more fake to each other IRL than online?:001_huh:

[Grover]

I find my language adjusting more inline with what I read here some days - some of the phrases and patterns of *speech* you people use are different to how people speak in my country and I find myself replying 'in kind' sometimes. Then again some of them are slipping into my day to day speech too, lol! Otherwise, I'm a fairly direct person in real life and I think I'm more careful online because I know how easy it is to be misunderstood but sometimes I may reply to something online that IRL I'd have just walked away from and avoided the person for a while, and there are some issues that crop up online that IRL I'd address but online I just roll my eyes and walk away. I don't think being online is any excuse to be rude though, and try to word my responses in a helpful or at least gentle way.

[Lisa R.]

 

To me you're real question is whether or not people are more fake to each other IRL than online?:001_huh:

 

Using tact and graciousness is not the same as being fake.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Using tact and graciousness is not the same as being fake.

 

:iagree:

[Farrar]

I'm mostly the same here as in real life. However, I'm slightly more direct online usually. I don't think it's an either/or prospect. Most people probably fall somewhere in the middle.

[Medstudent]

It depends on who I'm with. I'm generally blunt and direct with everyone, but I'm fairly well-liked so I guess I modulate it well in real life. With patients and such I try to be a little more diplomatic, but I try to be direct with them as well. I'd rather be told things as they are than be coddled, so I try to do the same to others.

 

Incidentally, I'd also rather deal with outwardly rude people than hypocrites. i've always hated the feeling I get when talking to someone who's trying so hard to be saccharine sweet while thinking she actually means none of what she's saying. I like people who are unapologetically themselves- it's ok if we don't get along, I'd just rather know what I'm getting.

[justamouse]

I'm a Jersey person, I'm direct, BUT, this is Jersey.

 

I would never say anything here, though, that I wouldn't say to a person's face.

 

I DO try to explain myself more online because of the lack of voice and body language.

Edited September 11, 2011 by justamouse

[Ellyndria]

I generally wish people would be more direct. Direct doesn't mean rude. It's possible to be direct without being rude. It's also possible to be rude even if the person is not being direct. Being direct would save so much time too. I see it as better than being a he-said, she-said, beating-around-the-bush, talking behind the back thing.

 

That being said, I'm probably about the same online as in RL, except online I have even more time to temper my words and ponder over phrasing. I'm rather quiet in RL. :)

[Bang!Zoom!]

I voted other, I view myself as a guest of a host (SWB & Co.) here...and I try my best to remember that...and that the primary purpose of the space is to discuss education...

 

So, for the most part, I'm highly edited for politeness.

[Tap]

I am a very sarcastic person. I try to not be sarcastic online because it doesn't translate well.

 

I use the same vocabulary online as IRL, but try to limit blunt sentences. Unless I add lots of :grouphug::001_smile:;)

[Barb_]

Before I say something in a thread, I typically run through my head whether and how I would say something IRL.

 

I am really bothered by what I view as real nastiness on some threads. I don't know anyone IRL who is as ugly as some things get on this board.

 

I think it has a lot to do with the topics at hand, though. We don't discuss these types of things in large and varied groups IRL. I'm sure if it were possible to get 50 random people together and have a forum-type discussion of "can you be X if you believe Y?" there would be some ugliness.

[ondreeuh]

I am really bothered by what I view as real nastiness on some threads. I don't know anyone IRL who is as ugly as some things get on this board.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't think it has anything to do with being direct. You can say what you mean and be nice about it. The ugliness I see comes from people who, instead of asking clarifying questions or presuming good intentions, jump at the opportunity to tell someone they are being selfish, lazy, rude, etc. or are doing the wrong thing and should do something else without realizing they only have part of the story. They aren't giving helpful advice or offering another perspective, they are taking charge and passing judgment and delighting in making someone else feel small.

 

The board isn't a free-for-all to say whatever gives you a cheap thrill. If you don't have something helpful or useful to say, or if you can't say it in a way that is helpful or useful, then it's better to not say anything.

[Ellesmere]

Here I've done dumb things, such as type before getting the brain in gear. IRL, I've done dumb things and spoken before getting the brain in gear.

 

Usually I do better here than IRL because if I fly off the handle, I can cool off and delete before hitting "submit".

 

But I've done dumb things here that wouldn't happen the same way IRL. For one, I quoted someone, responded to what was posted, then proceeded to go off on a bit of a tangent that made it look like I was really misrepresenting the quoted person. Huge apology from me was in order.

 

I can be a little sarcastic off-line talking with people, joking around. On here, I try really hard not to if it will seem rude to those in disagreement. And often, since tone is can be hard to read, I fall over myself making note of when I am "saying" something in a calm, non-sarcastic, or non-argumentative manner, because I do come off as sarcastic without meaning to.

 

I don't use my real name or my kids' names here but I don't think that affects my tone. I try to be as kind and honest as I want others to be with me. Don't always succeed, obviously.

[kiana]

It depends on who I'm with. I'm generally blunt and direct with everyone, but I'm fairly well-liked so I guess I modulate it well in real life. With patients and such I try to be a little more diplomatic, but I try to be direct with them as well. I'd rather be told things as they are than be coddled, so I try to do the same to others.

 

Incidentally, I'd also rather deal with outwardly rude people than hypocrites. i've always hated the feeling I get when talking to someone who's trying so hard to be saccharine sweet while thinking she actually means none of what she's saying. I like people who are unapologetically themselves- it's ok if we don't get along, I'd just rather know what I'm getting.

 

:iagree:

[kiana]

I think more about what I'm writing online -- because the message doesn't come out until I hit post. I've deleted a lot of posts because I realized I just wasn't able to get my point across.

[DawnM]

Sometimes I write out responses and then read them and think, "You know, that isn't a nice way to say X" and delete it and word it differently. Although sometimes I just go ahead and say it. It really depends on the situation.

[Beauty From Ashes]

I think I write and speak the same way. The problem often comes in tone that's impossible to be understood most time. I speak direct and many online think I am angry or have a rude tone. If they were sitting here watching me type or hearing these things in person they would hear a calm, relaxed, "everything is fine" tone. But I hate putting smilies on every single post to indicate that feeling.

[texasmama]

In "real life", my goal is to be kind and supportive while being honest. I place a high value on kindness. If I can't be kind and supportive, I typically remain silent. This is also my goal in online interactions.

[texasmama]

I am really bothered by what I view as real nastiness on some threads. I don't know anyone IRL who is as ugly as some things get on this board.

 

:iagree: It seems that some folks leave civility at the door during online interactions.

[Matryoshka]

I am a direct, what you see is what you get kind of person.

 

But I try not to be rude, and it's no fun to be misunderstood, so on a message board where we don't have facial expressions, etc., I am actually much more careful to phrase things tactfully and with context so that they are taken in the way that I intend.

 

And if it's a really hot topic where I'm not going to able to post and not get flamed in return, I just let it go by...

[Matryoshka]

I think more about what I'm writing online -- because the message doesn't come out until I hit post. I've deleted a lot of posts because I realized I just wasn't able to get my point across.

 

I use the preview feature a lot.

[Murphy101]

Using tact and graciousness is not the same as being fake.

 

Depends on what you consider to be tact and gracious. It seems as though it boils down to semantics most of the time. Yes, they agree, but soandso is a better person because instead of just spitting it out and getting to the point, they beat about the bush and alluded and blah blah blah. It seems to be a matter of perspective as to whether that is really better or gracious or not.

 

I think it has a lot to do with the topics at hand, though. We don't discuss these types of things in large and varied groups IRL. I'm sure if it were possible to get 50 random people together and have a forum-type discussion of "can you be X if you believe Y?" there would be some ugliness.

 

Oh yes. Absolutely.

[TxMama]

:iagree:

 

I don't think it has anything to do with being direct. You can say what you mean and be nice about it. The ugliness I see comes from people who, instead of asking clarifying questions or presuming good intentions, jump at the opportunity to tell someone they are being selfish, lazy, rude, etc. or are doing the wrong thing and should do something else without realizing they only have part of the story. They aren't giving helpful advice or offering another perspective, they are taking charge and passing judgment and delighting in making someone else feel small.

 

The board isn't a free-for-all to say whatever gives you a cheap thrill. If you don't have something helpful or useful to say, or if you can't say it in a way that is helpful or useful, then it's better to not say anything.

 

:iagree:

 

Direct is ok. Judgemental is annoying.

[twoforjoy]

I said other.

 

Writing and speech are different. Many, many people have extremely different speaking and writing styles. I'm very direct, no-nonsense, and authoritative when I'm doing formal writing. That is pretty much the total opposite of how I am when I speak. In conversation, I tend to ramble, am extremely easy-going, and am entirely non-confrontational. I often read stuff I've written, like when I come across a paper I wrote in grad school, and can't believe I wrote it, because it just doesn't sound like me.

 

I think online communication falls somewhere between the two. It's not the same as formal writing, but there's more detachment and formality than there is in spoken conversation. I think my online communication is pretty much right in the middle of my formal writing style and my conversation style: I'm definitely less authoritative and no-nonsense than I am when I'm doing formal writing, but I'm also more direct and willing to be confrontational than I am when I speak.

[Parrothead]

I'm a Jersey person, I'm direct, BUT, this is Jersey.

 

I would never say anything here, though, that I wouldn't say to a person's face.

 

I DO try to explain myself more online because of the lack of voice and body language.

Those were funny. I liked the little bit I saw of your gov.

 

I voted other, I view myself as a guest of a host (SWB & Co.) here...and I try my best to remember that...and that the primary purpose of the space is to discuss education...

 

So, for the most part, I'm highly edited for politeness.

Must be why I never get invited anywhere.

[Mynyel]

I have no idea so I chose other. I don't know if there is a difference. I just type what I am thinking.

 

I can say I will say more than IRL only because I am not afraid of interrupting! (I feel like I talk to much IRL so I am aware of interrupting people) :)

[Jenny in Florida]

In fact I make extra effort to make sure I am expressing myself clearly and empathetically. Since I can not depend on tone of voice or facial expression to assure the reader that I am speaking kindly, or at least with best intentions, I try to make sure my words communicate this.

 

I voted "Other," and this is pretty much what I was going to say, too. I think I work hard to be more polite and more clear online than I am in person.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've been thinking about this and realized that in some ways I'm more direct here simply because people are asking specifically for advice. In real life, the line between venting and asking for advice is blurred. People often say they want advice and then mad when you give it. Though I have seen that happen here too, at least you get the chance to get it out there and they can come back and read it if they decide later that they really did want advice after all.