What would your 14-year-old self think...

[kewb]

My 14 year old slef would surprised that:

I did not marry a doctor or a lawyer.

I am not living in a mansion in Great Neck.

Finances are a daily struggle.

I worked full time until my oldest was 10.

I am homeschooling my kids.

I am living in NJ.

 

In spite of all the surprises/disappointments I think in the end she would be happy that I am happy. At least I think she would be happy after she was done throwing a hissy fit and sulking over all the decisions I made that led her to the place I am at now.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

:iagree:

 

Looking in from the outside, my 14-year-old self would think absolutely all of her dreams had come true. Kind husband (of just the "type" I used to have crushes on and drool over, lol), 5 kids, house in the suburbs, homeschooling stay at home mom.

 

But MAN. I could never fathom in a million years how hard this is in practice - my dh is semi-disabled, my 3yo cries and can't walk for a few hours each morning because his arthritis hurts so much, my older kids fight ALL THE TIME and my oldest is so hard to teach (LDs) - that's only half of the issues we are dealing with in our too tiny home, on too little sleep, with way too little support.

 

I hate myself for how much I hate this life I always dreamed of! :001_huh: I wish I could go back and tell that 14yo to become a nun! :lol:

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:s!!!!

[Peela]

My 14yo self would be incredulous and, I think, very happy with my present self.

She might be shocked and sad at how hard some parts of life have been, but she would see that it was worth it.

[SeekingHim77]

I am so glad to be able to say that my 14 yr. old self would be astonished if she could have foreseen who I would become. I would have missed out on so much had I continued in that mind set and really, I'm thrilled to have grown, expanded my horizons and learned that money and self-importance are not nearly as important as I once thought they were.

 

I was determined to move to New York City and become a lawyer at 14. I never even thought about having children.

 

Today I am a happily married, small-town homeschooling mom and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so glad that the Lord changed my heart.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

You know, now that I think of it, it sort of reminds me of one of my favorite movies. Anyone see "13 going on Thirty"? It is really cute, but it has this same idea. Jennifer Garner is 13 and magically goes into the future and sees what she becomes if she continues with the values she had at 13. She ends up realizing she doesn't like what she sees, and goes back to change it. She ends up choosing love with the wonderful guy she was best friends with over the career and all the glamor.

 

I think I need to see that movie again and remember that all that is shiny is not gold. :)

[The Girls' Mom]

I think she would be utterly dismayed..lol.

 

I'm not an archaeologist OR an architect. I NEVER shared a house with my two BFF's, in fact I don't even talk to one of them. I never lived in a big city apartment. Never even got a degree.

 

Instead I *gasp* got MARRIED, had kids, became a SAHM that homeschools (the homeschooling part wouldn't have freaked me out so much). And what's worse, I'm married to a man that wants to be a pastor!!! :001_huh: :lol:

 

Yeah, I'd be horrified. I'm glad that 14 year old really had no say over the way my life went. :tongue_smilie:

 

My dd is 14 right now. It makes me wonder how much her life will differ than the one she envisions.

[J-rap]

I think I would be amazed that I have five children and have homeschooled them (I'd never even HEARD of homeschooling at that age!), surprised that I am now living in the Midwest (I grew up in California), excited for the wonderful opportunities I've had, and quite sad for what I am going through right now.

[elegantlion]

To be honest, I am happy with my life. But I am thinking about this tonight because I am wrestling with some of the 44 year old disappointment as well. I would never take back the choice to be the mother of my amazing 3 kids. To be the wife of my amazing husband. To spend my days homeschooling them rather than pursuing a career.....but.........if I was really honest, at least tonight.......I am trying to come to terms with some of the dreams I have held near and dear and I'm beginning to realize, they will probably never be. That my life took such a radically different course than I once planned.

 

I look at other women, including one of my sisters, who live a life more like the one I envisioned for myself, and I wonder.......am I missing out on something?

 

I really did not plan for motherhood to be so all consuming. I know I would not have it any other way. And I would tell my 14-year-old self all the wonders and passions and love in being a mom that I never could have imagined. And I believe it! (she would never believe me.....but she's 14 after all! ;)

 

 

But, sometimes, in one of these existential, over-thinking moments, I wonder. Sometimes I wrestle with what I am not, rather than enjoying what I am. (like I know I should! :))

 

Anyone ever wrestle with the difference in what you have become compared to what you thought you wanted to be?

 

I'm 44, my son is about to turn 14, so you questions are quite applicable. I'm having those same thoughts.

 

At 14 I didn't want to get married or have kids. My future self wanted to buy a Jeep, have a husky and go the mountains of Colorado (ironic, since I don't like the cold weather). I wanted to be an Egyptologist, who wrote freelance travel journal articles from around the world, published at least once in National Geographic. My 14 year old self would be incredulous that I didn't pursue a one of those things.

 

I discovered I don't like to be alone, I've never lived on my own. I'm not nearly as courageous or adventurous as I had hoped, and I not a risk-taker or like to be confrontational. And I had no one encouraging toward my goals. That is the part that I'm (at 44) disappointed about. These were parts of my personality that *I* didn't work to overcome.

 

Am I content now? I don't know? I like my son, my house, my family, homeschooling, but...at 44 these are things that still interest me. I wish my 14 year old self had realized these weren't whims.

 

I recently had this type of conversation with a friend from high school. He's struggled with life not turning out how you had planned, which surprised me. We hadn't really talked in a long time and he has those same disappointments, but he's disappointed for other reasons.

 

Anyway, what to do about it? I look at ds at almost 14, and I'm trying to make his life what he wants out of it. I think the internet makes the realm of possibility closer than ever. He can see where an interest can take him. He may not achieve all of his goals, but I want them to get a fair shot. I don't want his fear to hold him back, like I feel like I did with mine.

 

My 14 year old self may not have been very wise, yet she had some good ideas.

Edited September 4, 2011 by elegantlion

[Ria]

My 14-year old self would be surprised, I think. She was clueless and painfully shy. Nothing like this current outspoken mama, lol. :lol:

 

Seriously, the six kids would be a huge surprise; never saw that one in my future. The no-real-career-despite-having-a-college-degree thing bothers my 48-year old self much more that it would have bothered my 14-year old self.

[Night Elf]

She would be awed at the position I'm in today. I lived in a very low middle class area. We weren't poor, but probably lower middle class. Money was always tight. I come from a family where the men and women work until retirement age. Well, my mom quit her job when she was 57 years old, but they have struggled financially the whole time. I'm considered 'well off' by my family. My lifestyle has definitely exceeded that of my family background.

[Mommyfaithe]

Thanks for answering! :D

 

My 14-year-old self would be SO MAD!!! She had such high plans! I thought I might be a Mom, but it would never be the main thing that defined me! I might not even have kids! I thought I would be a major player in the business world, or play an important part in a church ministry, maybe even be a famous actress!!! My 14-year-old self would have been happy to see me doing anything that involved the world past my home life. I remember looking with disdain at the women who came to salad suppers and only talked about their kids. The ones that seemed to have no ambition past being a mom. I swore to myself that I would never turn out to be one of them....

 

 

And now.....I'm one of those women! :D I can't believe I have turned out to be the one thing I planned hardest not to turn out to be!

 

It just hit me tonight for some reason. All of the sudden I remembered all the plans I once had, and all the things I thought I'd "never be". And it got me to wondering, is this true for others as well? Or has life turned out to be what you hoped, more than you hoped, less?

 

it is funny how it works like that sometimes. The thing I fear or begrudge is the very thing I need to deal with....

 

Faithe

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I'm 44, my son is about to turn 14, so you questions are quite applicable. I'm having those same thoughts.

 

At 14 I didn't want to get married or have kids. My future self wanted to buy a Jeep, have a husky and go the mountains of Colorado (ironic, since I don't like the cold weather). I wanted to be an Egyptologist, who wrote freelance travel journal articles from around the world, published at least once in National Geographic. My 14 year old self would be incredulous that I didn't pursue a one of those things.

 

I discovered I don't like to be alone, I've never lived on my own. I'm not nearly as courageous or adventurous as I had hoped, and I not a risk-taker or like to be confrontational. And I had no one encouraging toward my goals. That is the part that I'm (at 44) disappointed about. These were parts of my personality that *I* didn't work to overcome.

 

Am I content now? I don't know? I like my son, my house, my family, homeschooling, but...at 44 these are things that still interest me. I wish my 14 year old self had realized these weren't whims.

 

I recently had this type of conversation with a friend from high school. He's struggled with life not turning out how you had planned, which surprised me. We hadn't really talked in a long time and he has those same disappointments, but he's disappointed for other reasons.

 

Anyway, what to do about it? I look at ds at almost 14, and I'm trying to make his life what he wants out of it. I think the internet makes the realm of possibility closer than ever. He can see where an interest can take him. He may not achieve all of his goals, but I want them to get a fair shot. I don't want his fear to hold him back, like I feel like I did with mine.

 

My 14 year old self may not have been very wise, yet she had some good ideas.

 

That is EXACTLY where I am. Some of my dreams haven't been realized because of my own fears and limitations. I want to post more, but my hubby is calling and we have to leave.....I'll be back with more later. This is a conversation I really want/need to have. A thought process that I really want to work through....

 

Probably a mid-life crisis kinda thing! :D (where's my convertible and the hot guy at my side? :lol:)

[elegantlion]

That is EXACTLY where I am. Some of my dreams haven't been realized because of my own fears and limitations. I want to post more, but my hubby is calling and we have to leave.....I'll be back with more later. This is a conversation I really want/need to have. A thought process that I really want to work through....

 

Probably a mid-life crisis kinda thing! :D (where's my convertible and the hot guy at my side? :lol:)

 

I assume this isn't what you were thinking. It wasn't supposed to happen when the hair was fully grey, right? :lol:

 

[Murphy101]

Shock and horror mostly.:lol:

[UnsinkableKristen]

My 14 year old self would be one thing above all - totally stoked I married such a hot guy! :lol::lol:

 

Seriously, at 14 I was so completely boy crazy that I'm pretty sure that is the only thing I would notice :D.

 

 

If she were able to see past any of that, I think she would be surprised but pleased with how things have turned out.

[BridgeTea]

After my 14 year old self finished throwing a fit about the fact that she grew up to be a whole lot like her mother in looks and demeanor, she just might be a little relieved that her life was relatively under control and even a little bit fun sometimes. She was so unsure of herself and thought her peers had it all figured out (wise 14 year olds that they were, you know) that I think she would eventually feel a great sense of relief that she didn't have to go blaze new trails or make a huge statement of some sort to feel like she wasn't a failure.

 

She would be absolutely shocked that she was married with children ("4 kids?! How will I keep track of all of them??!") But she might be mildly amused that her husband favors her childhood friend Donny. And she would be pleasantly surprised that her children were such stinkin' geniuses, who were also beautiful and nice, because she often felt just the opposite herself.

 

14 year old self would be disappointed that she did not design and build herself that log cabin, but she would be pleased that she at least lived out in the country. She would assume the cats belong to the neighbors, not to her, and she would wonder where all her dogs were instead. She would be happy to find out that she likes to drive a little fast with loud music blaring. And, yes, those bOOks would be a complete shocker.

 

Good questions for introspection, OP. My girl is newly 13, and starting to be a little mysterious to me. It's been a good reminder to cut her a little slack and try to hear what she's really saying. And to cut myself a little slack at 49, as well.

[dragons in the flower bed]

She'd be pretty much okay with it, I think. This is what she imagined.

[Murphy101]

My 14 year old self would be impressed with my husband, but absolutely horrified and angry that I became a SAHM with 10 kids, that I still hadn't traveled much outside the country, that I wasn't wealthy. That I took my mother in when she had cancer. That I drive a 12 passenger van. That I'm not skinny and have hideous scars.

 

Basicly, my 14 year old self would view my life as her worst nightmare.

 

Because she was young and foolish and had no idea the awesome blessings awaiting her.

 

Personally, I'm very happy to have disappointed my 14 year old self.

[Mommyfaithe]

My 14 year

Old me would be very disappointed in the 47 year old me.

First of all I didn't earn my masters in history or literature....however, by homeschooling, I have been studying both in depth for 16 years and can certainly hold my own with my very highly degrees friends...and spend many hours teaching history and literature to kids and college students (dc's friends).

 

I am not living in a high rise apartment teaching at Columbia or NYU....ok, that still upsets me.....but, I have friends who do....and they aren't any happier than I am!

 

I never would have thought in would have 7 children, a fantastic marriage (I wanted 1 child, no husband at 14.). I never would have imagined I would be homeschooling.....what the heck is that? I never would have imagined I would become a born-again Christian....haha......I was raised by secular Jews and went to an orthodox Jewish school! At 14 I was studying Wiccan...seriously feminist, into drugs and the Grateful Dead! Oh my, I have come a long way in so few short years....

 

So, no...I don't get to teach Womens Studies or History, or American Literature of the 1600's

 

But, I do get to teach and study daily....and, my marriage is great, my life is full....

 

My 14 year old me was sort of a jerk.

 

Faithe

[Chava_Raizel]

14 year old me would be somewhat shocked I think. I had no plans of being a mom. I didn't even like children. To be honest, I still don't much care for other peoples children. 14 year old me had big plans of moving out to NYC and being on broadway. :tongue_smilie: I was going to be rich and famous and if I did have any children, I'd have a nanny to deal with them. I had never even heard of homeschooling and would certainly not even entertain the notion of doing such a thing myself. :lol:

[JeneralMom]

My 14yo self would be disappointed and shocked. My 14yo self was wealthy, planned to travel the world, have exciting adventures, daring liaisons, all will getting her Doctorate and remaining blissfully single and childless. Heck, my 29 yo self (although no longer wealthy) was doing some of these things. Now, I took too long doing my Doctorate (well, I had 4 kids in grad school) so I can't finish the program, I live pay-check to pay-check, going to pick up raw milk is as close to world travel as I get these days.

 

Not that I regret a minute of it, it is just funny how life works out.

[Alicia64]

She wouldn't believe it was possible.

 

:iagree:This is totally and completely me. My 14 year old self wouldn't even believe life could have turned out so incredibly perfect.

 

Alley

[Jenny in Atl]

She's say I sold out.

 

And she'd be right. I did.

 

:iagree:

 

Took the words right out of my mouth! :lol:

[*Lulu*]

My 14yo self would see my life as a combination of her worst fears and her most secret dreams.

[sparrow]

14 year-old me would be sad that I didn't marry John Taylor of Duran Duran and move to England. OTOH, I think she'd think I got quite a catch with my husband.

 

I think she'd be surprised that I decided not to have biological children.

 

I think she'd be SHOCKED that I homeschool. I remember watching a Donahue episode about homeschooling when I was around that age and wondering what these people were thinking! Don't they think they should leave *teaching* to *teachers*? :D

 

And finally, I think she'd be disappointed. Heck, 41 year-old me is disappointed. I had a LOT of fun in my twenties. So much fun, that I dropped out and flunked out of more than one college. I had lots of interests, but zero direction. At 14, I thought I'd be a veterinarian or a marine biologist. Once I got to college, my studies went out the window.

 

I've got a good life, but I'm sorry I didn't take things more seriously. I always thought there would be time......

[caitlinsmom]

My money/power driven 14yo self would be horrified! She would think that I had given up and taken the easy road. She would think that our family is too big with too little money and we couldn't possibly be happy.

 

To my 14yo self I say "Ha, you know nothing!"

[AvasMom]

Thanks for answering! :D

 

My 14-year-old self would be SO MAD!!! She had such high plans! I thought I might be a Mom, but it would never be the main thing that defined me! I might not even have kids! I thought I would be a major player in the business world, or play an important part in a church ministry, maybe even be a famous actress!!! My 14-year-old self would have been happy to see me doing anything that involved the world past my home life. I remember looking with disdain at the women who came to salad suppers and only talked about their kids. The ones that seemed to have no ambition past being a mom. I swore to myself that I would never turn out to be one of them....

 

 

And now.....I'm one of those women! :D I can't believe I have turned out to be the one thing I planned hardest not to turn out to be!

 

It just hit me tonight for some reason. All of the sudden I remembered all the plans I once had, and all the things I thought I'd "never be". And it got me to wondering, is this true for others as well? Or has life turned out to be what you hoped, more than you hoped, less?

 

:iagree: This. Exactly.

[lynn]

My 14 year old self would be so relieved to know that she does get out of South Florida. She does marry a great guy, and have 4 great children.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I assume this isn't what you were thinking. It wasn't supposed to happen when the hair was fully grey, right? :lol:

 

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5::smilielol5: Oh man!! That is NOT what I had in mind. But I'm heading there faster than I care to admit! I guess, if he has a convertible, maybe if I squint just right in the sunlight....I mean, after all, it IS a convertible!!!! :D

[lovelaughs_times_three]

Personally, I'm very happy to have disappointed my 14 year old self.

 

Oooooo! Good quote!

[snipsnsnailsx5]

I always wanted to be a mom. So much so that I became pregnant at 16 (yeah not one of my smartest moments of life, but I do believe my son, and the path my life took, was meant to be).

 

So I think I would be really happy that I was to be a stay-at-home mom of 5, soon to be 6, kids. I never even thought about homeschooling when I was a kid though. I never knew much about it. I thought homeschoolers were just people who were really "churchy" and didn't want their kids to mix with others. lol! So I'd be pretty surprised about that.

[Mommy22alyns]

She'd probably be terribly disappointed.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

And finally, I think she'd be disappointed. Heck, 41 year-old me is disappointed. I had a LOT of fun in my twenties. So much fun, that I dropped out and flunked out of more than one college. I had lots of interests, but zero direction. At 14, I thought I'd be a veterinarian or a marine biologist. Once I got to college, my studies went out the window.

 

I've got a good life, but I'm sorry I didn't take things more seriously. I always thought there would be time......

 

Me too. I think, as I'm entering my mid-40s, it is hitting me that I'm "all grown up" now. Life is certainly not over, and there is still a lot that may be around the corner, but I find myself taking inventory of the "me" that I have become. On one hand, I know that I really do have a great life. And that all the things that make my life great now, could not have been conceived of by my 14-year-old self. That girl had no idea how wonderful being a mother really is.

 

But, I am also finding myself disappointed too. I honestly thought I was "destined for greatness". Even when I turned 40, I turned on the steam and tried to make some of my dreams come true. I thought, "Well, it's now or never!" For different reasons, some of them my own limitations and weaknesses, they didn't work out. Now I'm 44 and I'm thinking..."Is this really it? Is this really all I will offer the world? What legacy am I leaving?" I know the right answer is that there is no greater legacy that I can leave than the legacy of how I am raising my children.

 

But, to be honest, at the risk of feeling embarrassed :blushing:, I wanted more. I'm trying to embrace this. I'm trying to let those dreams go peacefully. But, there is pain in the process.

 

It does help to hear that I am not the only one that had such lofty dreams! :001_smile: I guess we all have such a glamorous view of our lives as young teens.

 

So, if anyone here has already gone through this journey of self-inventory, disappointment, and acceptance and has some advice to get to the other side, I'm all :bigear:s!

 

Is this just a 40-something thing?

[twoforjoy]

Hmm. I don't know.

 

On the one hand, I'm doing pretty much exactly what I always wanted to do. I wanted to study English, go to grad school, work part-time at a university, have kids, possibly homeschool them. I'm doing all that.

 

On the other hand, I think I thought it would all be much easier than it is. At the very least, I had no idea how little money I'd make! So if my 14yo self could see me now, she might conclude it would be better to go into nursing. ;) Other than that, though, I don't think I'd be too surprised. Probably a bit scared, though. I wanted to be an adult so badly and had absolutely no idea how hard it would sometimes be.

[Janie Grace]

But, I am also finding myself disappointed too. I honestly thought I was "destined for greatness". Even when I turned 40, I turned on the steam and tried to make some of my dreams come true. I thought, "Well, it's now or never!" For different reasons, some of them my own limitations and weaknesses, they didn't work out. Now I'm 44 and I'm thinking..."Is this really it? Is this really all I will offer the world? What legacy am I leaving?" I know the right answer is that there is no greater legacy that I can leave than the legacy of how I am raising my children.

 

But, to be honest, at the risk of feeling embarrassed :blushing:, I wanted more. I'm trying to embrace this. I'm trying to let those dreams go peacefully. But, there is pain in the process.

 

It does help to hear that I am not the only one that had such lofty dreams! :001_smile: I guess we all have such a glamorous view of our lives as young teens.

 

So, if anyone here has already gone through this journey of self-inventory, disappointment, and acceptance and has some advice to get to the other side, I'm all :bigear:s!

 

Is this just a 40-something thing?

 

I agree, it is nice to hear that I'm not the only one experiencing this! I thought I was destined for greatness, too. I wonder, is that a teenaged thing, or is a product of coming of age in the 80s? Were we uniquely pumped full of "you can do whatever you want, reach for the stars, you are special"? I sort of suspect so. I wonder if those of us of this age (maybe 30-45) struggle more with what our lives have turned out to be. It seems like older generations were more realistic about themselves and their future. But I don't know. Just musing.

[Jayne J]

I hope this doesn't sound too silly, but here goes--I have struggled with the whole "leaving my mark on the world" thing. My 14 year old self would crumple up with disappointment. But, although she was a nice girl she was neither bright nor wise. She didn't know how frail life is--she was hardy and robust and all her bits worked the way they should. She knew no real suffering, pain, or loss. She did not know sacrificial love. She did not understand that each step forward was a closing of a door. She thought that options would always remain as wide open as they were to her at that moment in time. She did not understand that to do any one thing well was to do many other things poorly. She did not know that her skin would get thin and fragile looking, just like her mothers did and that nothing in the world could stop that. That knees and backs ache with age and that no amount of scorn for aging could stop it from happening. She was a good girl, but she did not know life at all, no matter how much she thought she did. I am trying to realize that I need not make a mark on the world. Being here, being human and doing it as well as I can, with as much integrity as I can, is all that there really is.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I agree, it is nice to hear that I'm not the only one experiencing this! I thought I was destined for greatness, too. I wonder, is that a teenaged thing, or is a product of coming of age in the 80s? Were we uniquely pumped full of "you can do whatever you want, reach for the stars, you are special"? I sort of suspect so. I wonder if those of us of this age (maybe 30-45) struggle more with what our lives have turned out to be. It seems like older generations were more realistic about themselves and their future. But I don't know. Just musing.

 

You know, I think you have a good point there! I was told, so many times, by parents and teachers, how much "potential" I had! I think it probably did build a bit of an unrealistic expectation.

 

Now, with my dd12, I am wondering. Do I build her up and encourage her sense of potential? I want her to have the confidence to know she can do anything. I want her to find the courage to take the risks in life and reach for great things. But, I also don't want to set her up to be me in 30-something years - disappointed, confused, wondering what happened. Hmmmm......more to ponder! :tongue_smilie:

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I hope this doesn't sound too silly, but here goes--I have struggled with the whole "leaving my mark on the world" thing. My 14 year old self would crumple up with disappointment. But, although she was a nice girl she was neither bright nor wise. She didn't know how frail life is--she was hardy and robust and all her bits worked the way they should. She knew no real suffering, pain, or loss. She did not know sacrificial love. She did not understand that each step forward was a closing of a door. She thought that options would always remain as wide open as they were to her at that moment in time. She did not understand that to do any one thing well was to do many other things poorly. She did not know that her skin would get thin and fragile looking, just like her mothers did and that nothing in the world could stop that. That knees and backs ache with age and that no amount of scorn for aging could stop it from happening. She was a good girl, but she did not know life at all, no matter how much she thought she did. I am trying to realize that I need not make a mark on the world. Being here, being human and doing it as well as I can, with as much integrity as I can, is all that there really is.

 

Yes! Oh, thank you so much for answering! That was beautiful. And you are right. I am where I am because I chose not to close those doors. I chose sacrificial love for my family over my own ambitions. I chose to give my kids the best that I felt I could give them by homeschooling, rather than pursuing my own dreams. I really still do wish I was leaving a mark. But, I think you are where I need to be.

 

Thank you, thank you, for sharing perspective with me! :)

[Upward Journey]

My 14yo self would say "Really? Really? You're not a doctor AND you had kids? What the heck?!?"

 

:D

[Upward Journey]

Yes! Oh, thank you so much for answering! That was beautiful. And you are right. I am where I am because I chose not to close those doors. I chose sacrificial love for my family over my own ambitions. I chose to give my kids the best that I felt I could give them by homeschooling, rather than pursuing my own dreams. I really still do wish I was leaving a mark. But, I think you are where I need to be.

 

Thank you, thank you, for sharing perspective with me! :)

 

You are by homeschooling. It's just not the same one that you invisioned as a child.

[CourtneyMI]

My 14 year old self would be publicly horrified but secretly pleased with my life. I was a know it all, go getter who was going to conquer the world. I was going to be a world renown pediatric oncologist working at Boston Childrens hospital while being a famous author and probably having a family. But I was going to be rich enough to afford the McMansion, the BMW/Mercedes cars, the beach house and a nanny. Not to mention a house full of furniture from pottery barn.

 

In reality, I am a 27 year old mother of 3 who is working on a bachelors degree in legal studies, living in the town I grew up in, less than a mile from my parents. I plan on homeschooling my kids and want nothing more than to be a SAHM until my kids graduate. Ikea is more my style and budget at this point.

 

However, my 14 year old self would be secretly pleased that I married such a wonderful man, that my kids are so well behaved and adorable, that I am still as close as I was with my siblings and parents and that I am happier than I ever imagined I could be, even without the McMansion, luxury vehicles and the beach house.

[Georgiana Daniels]

My 14 year old self thought public school was a joke, so she'd be glad to have become a homeschooler. And because she was certain SHE was a joke when it came to boys, she'd be glad to have a smokin' hot husband.

 

But the bigger dreams she was sure would come to pass, haven't, despite hard work and persevence. She would be supremely disappointed in this one area.

[Julie in CA]

My 14 yo self would have said, "KEWL!".

I'm doing what I always wanted to do. :)

[happypamama]

Honestly, my 14yo self would be patting herself on the back for guessing pretty darn accurately how it would all turn out. She wanted a husband, a bunch of kids to homeschool, and a house in the country. She'd like it here, and she'd be trying to steal the infant sleeping on my chest. She'd be most thrilled to see that she got lots of chubby little babies to cuddle and not have to give back! :)

 

She'd have wanted a little more money to play with, and she'd be pleasantly surprised at how much she likes being the mom of boys, but really, she's not so different from my 34yo self.

Edited September 5, 2011 by happypamama

[LanaTron]

I agree, it is nice to hear that I'm not the only one experiencing this! I thought I was destined for greatness, too. I wonder, is that a teenaged thing, or is a product of coming of age in the 80s? Were we uniquely pumped full of "you can do whatever you want, reach for the stars, you are special"? I sort of suspect so. I wonder if those of us of this age (maybe 30-45) struggle more with what our lives have turned out to be. It seems like older generations were more realistic about themselves and their future. But I don't know. Just musing.

 

:iagree: Coming of age in the 80s...we were the children of the Baby Boomers, who had fewer children per family, and much more disposable income, as more families became two-wage families. Making a huge generalization, and speaking more of the generations and not individuals: I think our Boomer parents, after not changing the world in as many ways as they wanted to, tried to instill that in us. Maybe?

 

I hope this doesn't sound too silly, but here goes--I have struggled with the whole "leaving my mark on the world" thing. My 14 year old self would crumple up with disappointment. But, although she was a nice girl she was neither bright nor wise. She didn't know how frail life is--she was hardy and robust and all her bits worked the way they should. She knew no real suffering, pain, or loss. She did not know sacrificial love. She did not understand that each step forward was a closing of a door. She thought that options would always remain as wide open as they were to her at that moment in time. She did not understand that to do any one thing well was to do many other things poorly. She did not know that her skin would get thin and fragile looking, just like her mothers did and that nothing in the world could stop that. That knees and backs ache with age and that no amount of scorn for aging could stop it from happening. She was a good girl, but she did not know life at all, no matter how much she thought she did. I am trying to realize that I need not make a mark on the world. Being here, being human and doing it as well as I can, with as much integrity as I can, is all that there really is.

 

Beautiful! I had a close friend, a homeschool mom, who died from cancer just before Christmas last year. Both before she got cancer, and certainly during her battle, she was a shining example of that last statement.

 

Now, with my dd12, I am wondering. Do I build her up and encourage her sense of potential? I want her to have the confidence to know she can do anything. I want her to find the courage to take the risks in life and reach for great things. But, I also don't want to set her up to be me in 30-something years - disappointed, confused, wondering what happened. Hmmmm......more to ponder! :tongue_smilie:

 

Yep. It's one of those "find a good balance" things that I struggle with, too. I worry that I don't pump them up enough, but then worry that they'll end up with something different than what they wanted. I guess, though, it's one of life's lessons when we make plans, but have to change our expectations and learn to be okay with where we end up.

 

I guess ultimately it's about having the confidence to know that you can handle any thing life throws at you with courage and grace, whether it is what you have planned or not.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

:iagree: Coming of age in the 80s...we were the children of the Baby Boomers, who had fewer children per family, and much more disposable income, as more families became two-wage families. Making a huge generalization, and speaking more of the generations and not individuals: I think our Boomer parents, after not changing the world in as many ways as they wanted to, tried to instill that in us. Maybe?

 

 

 

Beautiful! I had a close friend, a homeschool mom, who died from cancer just before Christmas last year. Both before she got cancer, and certainly during her battle, she was a shining example of that last statement.

 

 

 

Yep. It's one of those "find a good balance" things that I struggle with, too. I worry that I don't pump them up enough, but then worry that they'll end up with something different than what they wanted. I guess, though, it's one of life's lessons when we make plans, but have to change our expectations and learn to be okay with where we end up.

 

I guess ultimately it's about having the confidence to know that you can handle any thing life throws at you with courage and grace, whether it is what you have planned or not.

 

Good quote! I agree. Maybe life is also about us rising above any "mistakes" our parents may have made. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in trying to do this thing perfectly. But, overcoming some of the imperfect things my parents (who were wonderful, and certainly tried their best) did has made me stronger and has given me new perspectives in life.

[lovelaughs_times_three]

I hope this doesn't sound too silly, but here goes--I have struggled with the whole "leaving my mark on the world" thing. My 14 year old self would crumple up with disappointment. But, although she was a nice girl she was neither bright nor wise. She didn't know how frail life is--she was hardy and robust and all her bits worked the way they should. She knew no real suffering, pain, or loss. She did not know sacrificial love. She did not understand that each step forward was a closing of a door. She thought that options would always remain as wide open as they were to her at that moment in time. She did not understand that to do any one thing well was to do many other things poorly. She did not know that her skin would get thin and fragile looking, just like her mothers did and that nothing in the world could stop that. That knees and backs ache with age and that no amount of scorn for aging could stop it from happening. She was a good girl, but she did not know life at all, no matter how much she thought she did. I am trying to realize that I need not make a mark on the world. Being here, being human and doing it as well as I can, with as much integrity as I can, is all that there really is.

 

Urpedonmommy, since this thread has been brought back up again, I just want you to know. I have thought SO much about your post. I have actually quoted it to many friends and family. It has really brought me peace. You have helped me put my unrealized dreams into perspective. You reminded me that I am here because, in part, I chose to be here. I chose to sacrifice for my children. I chose to make my life more about their needs than my own ambitions. Also, I love the part about moving forward means closing another door, and doing something well means doing other things poorly. This is why I have made the choices that I have made. This is why I am here instead at the top of some social mountain. I now have peace in the valley, thanks to you.

 

I can not thank you enough for your wonderful, thoughtful post. (I hope you see this).

[Sputterduck]

I would be very pleased except I would wish I were in better health, married, more kids, and that I'd have chosen to push harder for my education when I was younger. I did not expect to be this age and still in college. I couldn't do school, though, in the marriage I had. I'm trying to make up for it. But lost time is lost time.

[Aubrey]

My 14yo self would be disappointed w/ our financial state, but otherwise? I wanted 4+ kids, to homeschool, to marry the kind of man I married--even down to the first initial of our last name, to write, etc. I'm sort-of living the dream, lol.

 

I think I'd be surprised that I haven't published a book yet, surprised at some of my shifts in thought, but you know...if there were *none* of that, I'd have to wonder at not maturing beyond 14yo.

 

A lot of people told me back then, though, that I didn't know what I was talking about wrt a lot of things. I'm pretty smug about the fact that they were mostly wrong. ;) I hated being written off as "just a teenager" when I was putting more thought into things than the adults around me. I didn't write them off through rebellion; it seemed reasonable to me to expect a similar level of respect. :tongue_smilie:

[Sputterduck]

A lot of people told me back then, though, that I didn't know what I was talking about wrt a lot of things. I'm pretty smug about the fact that they were mostly wrong. ;) I hated being written off as "just a teenager" when I was putting more thought into things than the adults around me. I didn't write them off through rebellion; it seemed reasonable to me to expect a similar level of respect. :tongue_smilie:

 

Me, too. I was an unusual child, though... very serious and thoughtful. More so, definitely, than the adults around me.