No (real) internet at home...

[Aubrey]

so (quickly) here ya go:

who am I kidding? like I could tell anything quickly...

 

1. Mom said (at the last minute) that the basement (which is more like the bottom level of a split-level home) needed paint & flooring. There are different ways to interpret this. Since she was also talking about having dh build a bunk bed she'd designed & spending an hour together scrapbooking every week & going to the block party next Sat & staying off her just-surgeried foot until 8/8, I thought she meant...something like clean cement floors & less-than-fresh paint.

 

I've moved into lots of houses like that, some even w/ mom. You live in it, work around it, no big deal. I suggested painting the cement--if that would be cheaper/quicker. Whatever. Her ONLY objection was that it would be too cold.

 

So it turns out that...it's more like a construction zone. The walls are half-spackled, need sanding, priming, painting. The floors have exposed tack board, & they're filthy from sanding, spilled mud, etc. That's the good part.

 

The bathroom...well, I don't know what's wrong w/ it, but for starters, she doesn't want us to plug in the W/D until we cut out a section of sheetrock to make sure there's no black mold. She's had it checked, but she wants us to check, too. Then it needs patching, cleaning, painting, flooring. Then...well, the shower (no tub) & toilet...might just need cleaning. It's hard to tell.

 

The water heater is missing a wall or door or something.

 

2. Dh is about 2 weeks behind in his classes. He made a perfect score on every project he turned in, his midterms (in the middle of moving), etc, so when his prof offered to work w/ him through the move, that was *wonderful.* It's been a while since he's done so well at something (graduated magna/summa--which is higher?--cum laude w/ his BA but has really hit bottom since then w/ LIFE).

 

But mom wants him to drop everything & fix the downstairs. NOW.

 

3. Our first night there, obviously we couldn't put mattresses on the floor downstairs (as she'd said we could). The room she "cleaned out" upstairs for the kids still has 2 bookcases, an elliptical, a tv, tv stand, trunk, & the closet's half-full. We managed to lay out 2 twin mattresses & have the kids share those by putting the littles at one end on the right sides & the bigs at opposite ends/sides.

 

4. But where would dh & I sleep? Mom decided to buy a new sofa right before we came. Her dining table was in the living room because there were so many tools, boxes of paint supplies, sheetrock supplies, etc laying out in the dining area of the kitchen (which overlooks the downstairs living area but has no rail).

 

The dining table in the living room was also covered in tools, & you couldn't walk thr the living room because of tools. The chaise lounge she already had had been shoved aside to make room for the new sofa which was also just shoved into the living room, sofa cushions on the coffee table. Later, I found out that this was because she'd washed the cushions but not the sofa. It was a garage sale sofa from a family w/ cats. Dh is allergic to cats.

 

Mom tells us this before she goes to bed the first night as she tries to help us figure out where to sleep. But the chaise folds out, so we can either sleep on it like it is or fold it out.

 

There's no room to fold it out, & as I'm sitting there trying to figure out what to do, I see a flea. All of our sheets are packed except for one set for ea mattress, all of which are sitting on the cat sofa.

 

After we get the kids in bed, we start cleaning up her stuff. Her entry closet was almost empty except for a box of towels & some coats, & the bath cabinets were only 1/2 full, so I moved the towels out to go to the bathroom, stuck one of our bookcases in the entry closet, moved tools to the bookcase, paint supplies down stairs for painting, dining table to dining room, blockaded w/ boxes so kids won't fall out to cement floor/exposed tackboard below, & get the chaise against a wall so we can fold it out.

 

At that point, mom comes downstairs, sees what we're doing, & is appalled. When I explain that we needed room to make out the chaise, she says it only makes out into a twin bed. So apparently, she was telling me where *I* could sleep. Dh offered to just sleep in the car at that point.

 

5. So I went upstairs & talked to mom. She has an uncanny ability to remember things differently from...reality. A problem that has caused a lot of problems in the past until bro or sis or I remembers the source of our info.

 

She claims to have told me the exact condition of the downstairs. She's telling me all the things she'll do to get it ready the next day. (At least a month's worth of work.) But remember she said she didn't want us to come until the 8th so she could rest after foot surgery? She says it was ALSO so she could finish the downstairs. (Which isn't what she said because that wouldn't make sense. You can't paint the ceiling while resting your foot.)

 

So we agree to just tape some carpet down (instead of the laminate wood she wanted) & line the walls w/ bookshelves instead of painting. The bedroom will be ready by Fri night. At *least* dh & I will have a place to sleep.

 

6. Next morning: everything's changed. Mom's on a rampage. She says she didn't sleep at all because 2yo was up all night crying. Dh was in the room next to him, & I was 3 steps down from him, but neither of us heard anything.

 

(Remember how I told mom I didn't want the kids sleeping upstairs because they might keep her awake, & she went nuts because she'd already cleaned out the room for them?)

 

She was also mad that they all got up so early. She's known that they get up early for 10 years, has seen it when she stayed w/ us, & now they're in CO on TX time. It wasn't THAT early.

 

7. She gets ready to paint the bedroom--exactly what we agreed not to do. Then she starts electric sanding the living room. Dh has to leave, so we take the kids to Starbucks (she doesn't like the smell of coffee, so I thought maybe it was a bit soon to start brewing it there).

 

8. She's madder when we get home, but we proceed to do what we can to help, try to get her to sit down (she nearly cusses us out over the suggestion), etc.

 

9. Finally, she wants me to go help her pick out carpet. While we're out, she chats cheerfully about the town like she has no clue anything's wrong. Then she tells me dh & I don't need to have any more kids. This is the woman who last week told me that if God called us to have a big family, the worst thing we could do is ignore that. Not that we're planning to have more, but...well, there was some whiplash there. She said dh & I were too overwhelmed w/ the kids we've got to have more.

 

I didn't laugh.

 

10. We get home, & mom starts painting the bedroom green. It's lovely. But halfway through, she says she wished she'd done it this morning. She DIDN'T, though, because dh & I said we'd do it & have it done in an hour.

 

I told her we were having some communication issues. :lol:

 

11. I haven't had a shower since OK. I'm out of clean clothes because I only packed enough to last until we plugged in the W/D. Mom put the kids in the tub at 10:30PM the night we got there. And then went to bed. And then got passive-aggressive at the mess they made & didn't clean up in there.

 

She asked 10yo to look at the ceiling to see if he could see where she'd missed spots because she couldn't see it. When he said he couldn't tell, either, she sent him to bed.

 

Later, he broke the mirrored med cabinet that goes to the bathroom. That was sitting in the middle of the floor. Then he broke a lightbulb that was in a lamp downstairs. Both incidents because he was helping.

 

Mom told 8yo to go open a box containing all the parts to build a chest of drawers & then build it. She was mad when 8yo couldn't even find the box. Which was sitting in the middle of the sofa mess in the upstairs living room.

 

Last night, she wanted different sleeping arrangements for the kids, so they wouldn't wake her up. :confused: The best she could come up w/ is having 2yo sleep downstairs. Once it's ready.

 

ETA: She could tell I was worried about something that first night & asked me if it was the fact that the downstairs didn't have nice curtains yet. :lol:

Edited August 6, 2011 by Aubrey

[Ria]

Oh, Aubrey. I have no words.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Kirch]

:grouphug: I'm sorry.

[Aubrey]

School here starts on Mon. When I mentioned trying to take care of enrollment on Fri, she was even more upset & told me to lie to the district--pretend we didn't arrive until much later. Then she wanted to know what *I* planned on doing? Working? She pointed at my belly & said, "You can't work."

 

Yeah, but I can't hs if I'm homeless, either. I promise, I didn't SAY that.

[ChristusG]

Oh. My. Word.

 

Can you guys afford one of those extended stay hotels? I think I'd shell out every penny that I have in order to get out of there.

[RoughCollie]

I have nothing to say. This is like reading a horror story. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

Oh my -- I am so sorry, Aubrey. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm not saying this to be funny, but perhaps our moms are related...:confused:

 

When I went to help dd32 when she lost baby #2 (in June), dd10 and I slept at my sister's house (which is my sister's house and is huge and my mom lives there). We didn't ask or need anything of my mom other than some time each day to enjoy her company......or try to enjoy her company. My niece who is 10 asked my mom one morning (the only 4 hours of the summer that my niece wasn't going to be in school or day camp) if my dd10 could stay with them that day instead of going with me to help DD32. My mom's reply: 'WHAT????!!!!! So I can have two Pain in the a** kids here instead of just one????!!!!' I overheard it and took my dd10 with me - felt badly for my niece, but there wasn't anything I could do to help. I stayed out of the house till 11pm that night.

 

I told my sister about it a month later and she was appalled. But, that's how my mom is -- whatever it is she says, one cannot trust that she will remember or support her words more than 5 minutes later. No matter how welcome she tells me we would be (and it's my sister's house -- not hers), I know that if and when we arrive, she will do and say everything she can to make us want to run and go far away.

 

As for the construction zone stuff -- I am so sorry -- having lived in our home like that for 20 months (and I wasn't pg with teeny little kids) I was ready to have a emotional collapse. Your situation is of course exponentially compounded with your mom's, errrr, inconsistencies.

 

Any chance of sitting with her and making a plan for 'temporizing' the living space. Perhaps, shop vac (not YOU!!!) the floor in the lower level, put down a carpet remnant (I worry about paint fumes and you and dh), and make a living space?

 

I am praying for improvement for you and your family.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Aubrey]

Oh. My. Word.

 

Can you guys afford one of those extended stay hotels? I think I'd shell out every penny that I have in order to get out of there.

 

Dh spent over an hour checking--you know, wifi would mean he could do his schoolwork, too. None of them would take a family our size.

[MariannNOVA]

Oh. My. Word.

 

Can you guys afford one of those extended stay hotels? I think I'd shell out every penny that I have in order to get out of there.

 

A not so bad idea, imo. Lots of these places (considering the state of the economy) will give you the employee rate just to fill rooms/suites. Even if you all only did it on the weekends or during a couple of days during the week -- your mom did offer to pay August rent, right?

 

Just an idea.

[Renee in NC]

Aubrey, are you in the Denver area?

[OLG]

Exhausting - :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Anyway to sit down and WRITE down what is expected of each party for the next week and then stick to it? So sorry. Either your Mom is chafing at her decision here, naturally a controlling person or some of her faculties are slipping (yeah - you don't need to hear that, right? One more issue to deal with!)

 

Focus on one small thing at a time and get away as much as you can. You will have tons of good material for a book after this experience!!

[Impish]

Good heavens.

 

First, encourage your dh to continue w/school. Mom has no say, control, input into that...and completing school will be best for your family's future. Under no circumstances should he put it aside or delay.

 

Sounds like a royal bait and switch to me.

 

Honestly, Aubrey, I'd be calling social services, applying for anything and everything, including housing. I know here that there's usually a wait list.

 

I don't know how you've kept your head from exploding, but big :grouphug::grouphug: to you. I'm so sorry you've been caught in someone else's deceit, which is exactly what I consider the situation w/your mom to be.

:grouphug:

[DawnM]

Don't tell them. :D

 

Dawn

 

Dh spent over an hour checking--you know, wifi would mean he could do his schoolwork, too. None of them would take a family our size.

[Aubrey]

Oh my -- I am so sorry, Aubrey. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm not saying this to be funny, but perhaps our moms are related...:confused:

 

When I went to help dd32 when she lost baby #2 (in June), dd10 and I slept at my sister's house (which is my sister's house and is huge and my mom lives there). We didn't ask or need anything of my mom other than some time each day to enjoy her company......or try to enjoy her company. My niece who is 10 asked my mom one morning (the only 4 hours of the summer that my niece wasn't going to be in school or day camp) if my dd10 could stay with them that day instead of going with me to help DD32. My mom's reply: 'WHAT????!!!!! So I can have two Pain in the a** kids here instead of just one????!!!!' I overheard it and took my dd10 with me - felt badly for my niece, but there wasn't anything I could do to help. I stayed out of the house till 11pm that night.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

I told my sister about it a month later and she was appalled. But, that's how my mom is -- whatever it is she says, one cannot trust that she will remember or support her words more than 5 minutes later. No matter how welcome she tells me we would be (and it's my sister's house -- not hers), I know that if and when we arrive, she will do and say everything she can to make us want to run and go far away.

 

As for the construction zone stuff -- I am so sorry -- having lived in our home like that for 20 months (and I wasn't pg with teeny little kids) I was ready to have a emotional collapse. Your situation is of course exponentially compounded with your mom's, errrr, inconsistencies.

 

She's lived there since '06 or so. I really had NO IDEA.

 

Any chance of sitting with her and making a plan for 'temporizing' the living space. Perhaps, shop vac (not YOU!!!) the floor in the lower level, put down a carpet remnant (I worry about paint fumes and you and dh), and make a living space?

 

Sure. I did that our first night. The next morning, she'd forgotten or ignored the conversation. And as far as getting it ready, there's dh w/ his asthma, me pg, & mom on her gimpy foot.

 

She actually griped to me about her neighbors one night. Let's see, there's the girl across the street w/ 3 dc 4yo & under who took mom to have surgery, brought her home, took her to her follow-up appt, brought dinner to her every night, etc. That girl promised to help mom clean her new garage sale sofa but never showed up.

 

Then there's the 15yo kid that mom made come & help us unload the truck. Later, she saw him skateboarding & commented that he was supposed to be at camp this week. If she'd known that that had been cancelled, he could have been at her house working.

 

When she was painting the ceiling, clumps of sponge fell down, & she complained that that kid had mopped the ceiling for her. Obviously he hadn't done it well enough.

 

She talks to me the same way, & the worst part? There are times when I hear my own voice toward my children in her awful sarcasm. :crying:

 

I am praying for improvement for you and your family.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Thanks.

[Aubrey]

Aubrey, are you in the Denver area?

 

Yes.

[MamaT]

:grouphug: I can't imagine trying to live there.

 

I would be busting my but to find somewhere else to go. Could you rent a small, furnished apartment? I could deal with not enough space, but not the drama and chaos.

[Renee in NC]

Aubrey, things were similarly crazy when we lived with my mom for a few months. I don't know that our relationship ever recovered. The expectations were ridiculous and there was a constant creation of rules and changing of what was going on. Basically, my mom said whatever she thought I needed to hear to convince us to move down, but the reality was very, very different. It is incredibly difficult!

 

:grouphug:

[Aubrey]

Good heavens.

 

First, encourage your dh to continue w/school. Mom has no say, control, input into that...and completing school will be best for your family's future. Under no circumstances should he put it aside or delay.

 

Sounds like a royal bait and switch to me.

 

Honestly, Aubrey, I'd be calling social services, applying for anything and everything, including housing. I know here that there's usually a wait list.

 

I don't know how you've kept your head from exploding, but big :grouphug::grouphug: to you. I'm so sorry you've been caught in someone else's deceit, which is exactly what I consider the situation w/your mom to be.

:grouphug:

 

This is EXACTLY how she was when I was growing up. She's been off of her medication for about a month now, though, so I still have hope (because there's nothing else I can do AT ALL) that things will get better. She did comment last night that she needed to go see the psych & she knew it & she hated it.

 

I think she's feeling guilty. She's always expressed guilt w/ passive aggressive rage. :lol: The last time I moved out, that was why. A chunk of my college loans were for a dorm room that semester.

 

I still don't know what else we could have done, as bad as dh's job/breathing had gotten, but I feel STUPID right now.

 

Dh won't let me call a homeless shelter yet.

[Aubrey]

:grouphug: I can't imagine trying to live there.

 

I would be busting my but to find somewhere else to go. Could you rent a small, furnished apartment? I could deal with not enough space, but not the drama and chaos.

 

We were paying $800/mo in Dallas. We couldn't afford that. I've looked at 1bed efficiencies here, & I can't find anything cheap enough. But w/out internet at mom's house, I haven't looked A TON.

 

And really, by the time I could find something, the downstairs could be finished. By then, mom could have her medicine. By then, dh will be caught up in his classes or have had to drop out of school. And a 2nd move at this point isn't something that would be extremely conducive to catching up in school.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm stuck.

[joannqn]

She's nuts!

 

ETA: Ok, you mentioned she was off her meds so this doesn't sound so funny anymore. Is there anyway you can help her get her meds? Do they help?

Edited August 6, 2011 by joannqn

[Aubrey]

Aubrey, things were similarly crazy when we lived with my mom for a few months. I don't know that our relationship ever recovered. The expectations were ridiculous and there was a constant creation of rules and changing of what was going on. Basically, my mom said whatever she thought I needed to hear to convince us to move down, but the reality was very, very different. It is incredibly difficult!

 

:grouphug:

 

It would be harder if I thought she could help it or was doing it on purpose. I haven't said much because I know it would break her heart.

 

And she would handle that *badly.* :lol:

[clarkacademy]

Dh spent over an hour checking--you know, wifi would mean he could do his schoolwork, too. None of them would take a family our size.

 

Wow you must be in a non family friendly place! I see you have 4 so do I and we have stayed at alot of hotels with them. So sorry you are going through all this, it sounds horrible.

[MariannNOVA]

Thanks.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

It has taken me years to figure out how to deal with my mom when we are under the same roof -- and I will be 57 on Friday. :001_huh:

 

Something that has worked for me (and I did own a home with her and my dad about 30 years ago -- but that's another story :glare:), is to couch everything (and I know this takes enormous amounts of energy and patience on your part) to seem like it is her idea or something she would like, or end it with: '....so what do you say we give that a try?'

 

In an effort to save your sanity: when you are able, prioritize what must be done first -- little chunks. We had to move back into our house and it was a total wreck -- totally filthy, total wreck. But the insurance co had said no more hotel and we had to move back in no matter what -- and the insurance company came and looked and agreed, but said that time was up it was time to go back home.:001_huh: Can you get the teenaged boy you mentioned to do things that you direct him to do that you are unable to do? (YOU: 'Mom, I think it would be great for you and me if we got Jake to shop vac the floor of the lower level. It wouldn't take him long to do, and it would save you and me alot of time and it would be a huge first step in getting a living space for me and the kids down there. Why don't we get in touch with him? I'll do it right now. You sit down and rest till he gets here.' You have to talk fast -- really fast.:glare:

 

And, an extended stay hotel isn't going to know how many kids are there -- and they probably won't care.

[Erica in PA]

Honestly, Aubrey, I'd be calling social services, applying for anything and everything, including housing.

 

I agree. You need to take into account your mental and emotional well-being, not to mention that of your husband and children. This is a bad, bad situation, and even if you are willing to live with it yourself (and I don't think you should-- you deserve much better!!!), your kids should not have to live with that kind of treatment. Please call social services and let them help you.

[Aubrey]

And, an extended stay hotel isn't going to know how many kids are there -- and they probably won't care.

 

Dh & I are both the kinds of people who get caught going 1m over the speed limit. If we went to a hotel & didn't say how many kids we have, they'd find out, kick us out, & keep our $.

 

On a brighter note, at least we know that. :lol:

 

My ankles are the size of flying saucers.

 

Mom's a morning person. I'm shocked that I was up & out of the house before she woke up, but I'm hoping that her energy will have waned enough to make her human by the time I get back to the house.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: :grouphug: Big giant hugs.

 

Can you dh breathe better? The physical part anyway. :glare:

 

He's going to work Monday, right? Let us know how that first day goes. If he gets real work and a real paycheck, y'all could find your own place soon??? maybe???

 

I think difficult people are sometimes placed is our lives as an example of exactly who we DON'T want to become. It's just harder when they're our family, harder when you're trying to live with them.

 

You are not your difficulties. This will pass and you will still be beautiful, loving, funny, and compassionate. Your children will continue to grow up loving you, your future (long time down the road) grandchildren will beg to come stay at your home because they you love them and accept them. You are not your difficulties.

[Aubrey]

2yo just threw up, so I'm headed home. :svengo:

 

If anybody needs me, I can get email at home. I think it's listed on my personal stats. If not, whoever's got it is free to share it. Otherwise...crossing my fingers that I'll get an hour away again tomorrow.

[MariannNOVA]

Dh & I are both the kinds of people who get caught going 1m over the speed limit. If we went to a hotel & didn't say how many kids we have, they'd find out, kick us out, & keep our $.

 

On a brighter note, at least we know that. :lol:

 

My ankles are the size of flying saucers.

 

Mom's a morning person. I'm shocked that I was up & out of the house before she woke up, but I'm hoping that her energy will have waned enough to make her human by the time I get back to the house.

 

 

ANKLES: So you are at the computer with your feet up, right? :toetap05:

 

My incredibly feeble but well-meaning suggestion is to adjust everyone's schedule and routine around Mom's and try to find anything that works even a little for you and your family.

 

I hear you about 1m over the speed limit -- that's our family to a "T"

 

:grouphug:

[Impish]

You know, its not often that I truly wish we were rich, but this situation has me wishing and praying for a miracle...:grouphug:

[Twolittleboys]

As I don't know you or your mother my advice may be way off so just ignore it if you think I am wrong. I realize your position right now is more than difficult.

 

However, in your case I would not invest time/energy/money in getting the house into a better condition. It seems that your mother is all for big families/homeschooling/etc. from a distance but does not care for the reality. Even if she takes her medicine and you get the basement into decent shape, she will not get used to "kids being kids". There is no way you will be able to get along like this (I think). It might well end with her asking you to leave (given your current run of luck probably right when you are having the baby).

 

My first priority would be to move back out. Is the offer of your mother-in-law still good? Moving right back would be a huge pain but might be best in this case. I would probably wait to see how the new job is - if it is a big improvement it might be worth reevaluating. Otherwise I would move back and apply for any aid you could possibly get.

[Impish]

As I don't know you or your mother my advice may be way off so just ignore it if you think I am wrong. I realize your position right now is more than difficult.

 

However, in your case I would not invest time/energy/money in getting the house into a better condition. It seems that your mother is all for big families/homeschooling/etc. from a distance but does not care for the reality. Even if she takes her medicine and you get the basement into decent shape, she will not get used to "kids being kids". There is no way you will be able to get along like this (I think). It might well end with her asking you to leave (given your current run of luck probably right when you are having the baby).

 

My first priority would be to move back out. Is the offer of your mother-in-law still good? Moving right back would be a huge pain but might be best in this case. I would probably wait to see how the new job is - if it is a big improvement it might be worth reevaluating. Otherwise I would move back and apply for any aid you could possibly get.

From what Aubrey has posted before, I don't believe that there is the financial ability to move long distance again. Going to MIL's just isn't doable from the financial standpoint.

[RahRah]

Is your DH doing school online? basically are you bound to CO due to location for school, or can he do that anywhere?

 

How are you holding up?

[Twolittleboys]

From what Aubrey has posted before, I don't believe that there is the financial ability to move long distance again. Going to MIL's just isn't doable from the financial standpoint.

 

I was rather afraid of that. But would it be very expensive? I believe they sold a lot of their stuff and probably haven't unpacked everything yet. So wouldn't it be mostly the money for gas (and maybe renting a vehicle)? I realize it might be more than Aubrey has anyway but it shouldn't be a huge amount (unless I am missing something here). Maybe mil or a sibling could lend the money for this?

 

It just seems that if it isn't going to work it might be best to cut the losses now before the kids either settle in or are really unhappy and before the baby is born.

[Impish]

I was rather afraid of that. But would it be very expensive? I believe they sold a lot of their stuff and probably haven't unpacked everything yet. So wouldn't it be mostly the money for gas (and maybe renting a vehicle)? I realize it might be more than Aubrey has anyway but it shouldn't be a huge amount (unless I am missing something here). Maybe mil or a sibling could lend the money for this?

 

It just seems that if it isn't going to work it might be best to cut the losses now before the kids either settle in or are really unhappy and before the baby is born.

If I remember correctly, they had to hire movers. And there's no job for dh if he moves back, whereas he does have one where they are now.

[MariannNOVA]

As I don't know you or your mother my advice may be way off so just ignore it if you think I am wrong. I realize your position right now is more than difficult.

 

However, in your case I would not invest time/energy/money in getting the house into a better condition. It seems that your mother is all for big families/homeschooling/etc. from a distance but does not care for the reality. Even if she takes her medicine and you get the basement into decent shape, she will not get used to "kids being kids". There is no way you will be able to get along like this (I think). It might well end with her asking you to leave (given your current run of luck probably right when you are having the baby).

 

My first priority would be to move back out. Is the offer of your mother-in-law still good? Moving right back would be a huge pain but might be best in this case. I would probably wait to see how the new job is - if it is a big improvement it might be worth reevaluating. Otherwise I would move back and apply for any aid you could possibly get.

 

If I remember correctly, they had to hire movers. And there's no job for dh if he moves back, whereas he does have one where they are now.

 

While my first instinct would be to turn and run, that has not ever worked out well for me, so I would try to get over the shock (and their family has been through quite alot) and figure out if and how to make an awful situation somewhat better.

 

Right now my suggestion would be for dh to go to work on Monday and get a feel for it. The family is undertandably exhausted and their body clocks are out of whack so they need a little bit of time to feel 'time adjusted.' Prayerfully and hopefully, they will then be able to get 'location adjusted' and make the house more family-friendly.

 

I was trying to think of suggestions to help Aubrey and I came up with this (not very original): Food, Shelter, Clothing.

 

If Aubrey can prepare what the kids need to eat in her mom's kitchen, then the 'food' issue is taken care of -- if not, how much work would it be to be able to prepare meals in her mom's kitchen.

 

2nd: Shelter -- how can mom's house be made to work better (even if in stages) to safely accomodate Aubrey and her family? Best tackled in little bits -- even if it means a living space that Aubrey, dh and kids are all sleeping in or whatever.

 

3rd: Clothing -- Being able to do laundry, unpack, and have a place for the kids and Aubrey and DH's clothes to be folded and put away after they are laundered. Even plain old laundry baskets are okay for this on a temporary basis.

 

As I said, while I would want to turn and run :auto:, I don't think it's the best choice right now.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Oh, honey...I'll be praying for you guys.:grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

I have offered to keep the children all day tomorrow (Sunday) so she and her DH can work on the house child free. I don't know if she saw the pm before she went off line or if she will take me up on the offer (we are strangers afterall) But it is the best I can suggest. I cannot help, all I bring is 4 MORE children to the situation. Just pray for her.

 

Lara

[happypamama]

I have offered to keep the children all day tomorrow (Sunday) so she and her DH can work on the house child free. I don't know if she saw the pm before she went off line or if she will take me up on the offer (we are strangers afterall) But it is the best I can suggest. I cannot help, all I bring is 4 MORE children to the situation. Just pray for her.

 

Lara

 

Oh, now this made me teary -- how sweet of you!

 

Aubrey, I'm so sorry -- praying that things get much better for your family SOON!!

[Harriet Vane]

Oh Aubrey, I'm so sorry your mom is flaking like this.

 

I'm not sure whether advice is helpful or not--really, it's just anyone's guess. Take my thoughts below as kindly meant and if they do not match your reality then do what is needed.

 

Dh should get his class done, even if your mom throws a temper tantrum. And he should put all his available energy into his job both for the income and for his employers to love him. Job security is a good thing.

 

You know your mom will be different on meds, right? So that's another good thing to put thought and energy into making it happen. On another note, will caffeine settle her down in the interim?

 

When you and your mom agree on a plan, can you write it down? In front of her? Say something like, "I feel so scatterbrained I really need to write this down." Then show it to her--"This is right, right? Thanks Mom." That way she doesn't feel all reprimanded but you've got a written record. That record might be helpful to go back to, especially if she's off her meds right now.

 

I will pray that you can get through the ugly first weeks and that it will be peaceful soon. It sounds awful.

 

:grouphug:

[MariannNOVA]

I have offered to keep the children all day tomorrow (Sunday) so she and her DH can work on the house child free. I don't know if she saw the pm before she went off line or if she will take me up on the offer (we are strangers afterall) But it is the best I can suggest. I cannot help, all I bring is 4 MORE children to the situation. Just pray for her.

 

Lara

 

I want to live near you! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

:crying:

 

What a wonderful offer! A new pair of eyes looking at things may also help enormously!

 

Oh Aubrey, I'm so sorry your mom is flaking like this.

 

I'm not sure whether advice is helpful or not--really, it's just anyone's guess. Take my thoughts below as kindly meant and if they do not match your reality then do what is needed.

 

Dh should get his class done, even if your mom throws a temper tantrum. And he should put all his available energy into his job both for the income and for his employers to love him. Job security is a good thing.

 

You know your mom will be different on meds, right? So that's another good thing to put thought and energy into making it happen. On another note, will caffeine settle her down in the interim?

 

When you and your mom agree on a plan, can you write it down? In front of her? Say something like, "I feel so scatterbrained I really need to write this down." Then show it to her--"This is right, right? Thanks Mom." That way she doesn't feel all reprimanded but you've got a written record. That record might be helpful to go back to, especially if she's off her meds right now.

 

I will pray that you can get through the ugly first weeks and that it will be peaceful soon. It sounds awful.

 

:grouphug:

 

I LOVE this!!!!! Very well put!

[8circles]

Gosh, Aubrey, I'm heartbroken for you. I feel like I should do something but I don't know what. :grouphug:

[SnowWhite]

If worse comes to worst and you HAVE to get into a long term lodging establishment, what about splitting into two groups? Dh and half of the kids, Aubrey and the other half. I'm certain they wouldn't know or care whether you "visited" each other frequently. It makes it look like half the number of kids on paper. Of course it is twice as expensive, but you likely need the space anyway. It's completely ethical.

[scrappyhappymama]

ETA: She could tell I was worried about something that first night & asked me if it was the fact that the downstairs didn't have nice curtains yet. :lol:

 

Oh yes, definitely the curtains. :svengo:

 

First of all, praying for you guys! I'm really sorry you arrived into such a crazy situation.

 

If I were dealing with your mom, I think I would have to use the same selective memory she is using on you.

 

The bathroom...well, I don't know what's wrong w/ it, but for starters, she doesn't want us to plug in the W/D until we cut out a section of sheetrock to make sure there's no black mold. She's had it checked, but she wants us to check, too. Then it needs patching, cleaning, painting, flooring. Then...well, the shower (no tub) & toilet...might just need cleaning. It's hard to tell.

 

 

"OK, so you had the bathroom checked for black mold, so we're hooking up the washer and dryer now."

 

So we agree to just tape some carpet down (instead of the laminate wood she wanted) & line the walls w/ bookshelves instead of painting. The bedroom will be ready by Fri night. At *least* dh & I will have a place to sleep.

 

6. Next morning: everything's changed. Mom's on a rampage. She says she didn't sleep at all because 2yo was up all night crying. Dh was in the room next to him, & I was 3 steps down from him, but neither of us heard anything.

 

(Remember how I told mom I didn't want the kids sleeping upstairs because they might keep her awake, & she went nuts because she'd already cleaned out the room for them?)

 

She was also mad that they all got up so early. She's known that they get up early for 10 years, has seen it when she stayed w/ us, & now they're in CO on TX time. It wasn't THAT early.

 

7. She gets ready to paint the bedroom--exactly what we agreed not to do. Then she starts electric sanding the living room. Dh has to leave, so we take the kids to Starbucks (she doesn't like the smell of coffee, so I thought maybe it was a bit soon to start brewing it there).

 

 

"Time to lay that carpet down. The we'll set up the bookshelves and beds. I know you're worried about the kids waking you up at night or too early in the morning, so we've decided to set them up downstairs with us. It'll be so cozy!"

 

Basically, I'd focus on getting the basement set up in a livable way for you and the kids. And then hang some cheerful curtains. :D

 

Whatever your mom decides she wants to do upstairs is up to her. If she surprises you and fixes up a nice room for the kids, then great. But if not, then you weren't counting on it anyway. If she asks for help, tell her you're still busy getting set up downstairs, but will be happy to pitch in later. I know it's her home and you are at a disadvantage by being endebted to her for letting you stay there, but really I think I'd just have to put my foot down (nicely).

 

Pass LOTS of beandip and hang in there! I think my mantra would be "It's not forever. It's not forever. It's not forever."

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

l anything quickly...

[Mommy22alyns]

:svengo::grouphug::grouphug:

[FO4UR]

:grouphug:

 

MariannNOVA had some good advice. Your mom is not stable. She won't be stable whatever you do so there is no sense in going on like this to avoid instability. Be a little (passively LOL) pushy to take care of your family while you are there. Food-Shelter-Clothing :iagree:

 

 

another :grouphug:

[*Inna*]

:svengo: I'm so sorry Aubrey. What a nightmare.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Patches]

No advice... but praying for you. :grouphug:

[ChrissySC]

I have living room floor and wifi :)

 

You paint right?

 

Geesh, your mom sounds like she smoked the Cheerios. You might want to explain that they are to be eaten.:lol::lol::lol: Very yummy with milk too!

 

Practice your breathing ... um lots.

 

:grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug: and prayers are all I have to offer.

I'm sorry.

 

I have to believe it will work out somehow. :grouphug:

[Robin M]

*hugs* Considering the situation and the fact you are pregnant, do you really think you should be around any type of construction, paint, sanding, etc. Have your husband mention to his employer that housing isn't working out and you guys need a new place to stay...fast. They should be able to provide information on temporary housing. My 2 cents...you need to get out of the situation no matter what.

 

Oh and the schools should accept the address of an hotel or where ever you are staying until you get settled.

Edited August 6, 2011 by Mytwoblessings