has anyone ever donated a kidney? moral dilemma...

[ktgrok]

My ex husband has a chronic kidney disease. Until now it has not effected his lifestyle. Recently it has gotten worse and he is being evaluated for kidney transplant. Currently he does not need dialysis. However, that will probably change. He mentioned that he needs a kidney with someone with B or O blood. I have O blood. My question is, should I volunteer to be tested to see if I am a match?

 

ON the one hand, if I can keep my child's father healthy, thereby reducing suffering of my son, I want to do that. On the other hand, risking both parents lives via surgery, rather than just one, seems like maybe a bad idea.

 

Emotionally I hate that once again I would be drawn back into his medical issues. He had some heart problems at one point, and took horrible care of himself. I had to care for him entirely. He also was severely depressed for much of our marriage, and again, i took care of him. I hate the idea of stepping in and fixing things again...even though I KNOW that that makes no sense. I mean, he has no control of his kidney function.

 

Could he take better care of himself? sure. Could he right now be working part time rather than on disability? Probably. Does any of that matter? Not really. He is my son's father.

 

Edited to Add: There is NO WAY I would allow my son to be a donor, even if he was a match. The disease my ex has could be genetic, and if my son develops it later on he will need both of his own kidneys.

 

I'm sorry if this is disjointed....I have a teething baby and didn't get much sleep and I haven't thought this through much yet.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

:grouphug:

[plansrme]

If there's any chance that your son could need your kidney one day, I would hold on to it for him. If you and your son are not and would never be a match, I don't know. Does your husband have other relatives, siblings, parents, cousins who would be more natural donors?

 

Terri

[ktgrok]

If there's any chance that your son could need your kidney one day, I would hold on to it for him. If you and your son are not and would never be a match, I don't know. Does your husband have other relatives, siblings, parents, cousins who would be more natural donors?

 

Terri

 

Wow, that is a good point! I didn't even think of that. There is a chance. My son has not been diagnosed with the disease, but it generally can't be diagnosed until the teens or early twenties. Honestly, they don't know if it is genetic or not, but it tends to run in some families. You are right though, and I think you just made up my mind for me.

 

And yes, my ex does has family members that would probably be a closer match. He has living parents, a sister, and several cousins.

 

Thank you!

[Cindy in FL.]

My brother had juvenile diabetes that he was diagnosed with a 4 years old. When he was around 30 yo he needed a kidney transplant. I looked into being a donor for him (only sibling). The transplant counselor advised me that it would not necessarily be advisable for me as I was in my childbearing years and it could cause problems in the future related to pregnancy, etc. I ultimately did not donate a kidney and it was a difficult decision. My brother did receive a kidney not long after he was placed on the transplant list.

 

Bottom line, I think that you should talk to someone like a transplant counselor to get all the facts before you make a decision. You really need to know what it means for you and for your ex.

 

Best wishes to you!

[Scuff]

Edited to Add: There is NO WAY I would allow my son to be a donor, even if he was a match. The disease my ex has could be genetic, and if my son develops it later on he will need both of his own kidneys.

 

 

 

Than don't you donate either. You only have one kidney to give. Someday your son might need it.

Edited June 6, 2011 by Scuff
nm, see pp beat me to it. :)

[ktgrok]

Than don't you donate either. You only have one kidney to give. Someday your son might need it.

 

thank you. that was what i needed to hear.

[kalanamak]

Unless there has been an acute insult to the kidney, and the function is falling rapidly, not yet requiring dialysis is a good sign. Have they even put in a shunt to "ripen" yet? **Just as a thought**, could your ex be being a little melodramatic? It is unusual for people not even on dialysis to talk transplant.

 

No, I would not donate. You have "done your fair share", you cannot fix everything, and you need to stay healthy for your son. IMO. Plus, if he is prone to not caring for himself, will he do what is needed to protect a donated kidney?

 

:grouphug:

[ChristusG]

If there is ANY chance that your son may need a kidney transplant one day, then I would not do it now.

[homeschoolally]

If there's any chance that your son could need your kidney one day, I would hold on to it for him. If you and your son are not and would never be a match, I don't know. Does your husband have other relatives, siblings, parents, cousins who would be more natural donors?

 

Terri

:iagree: This was my immediate concern as well.

How kind of you to consider this though--he is lucky to have a ex like you!

[FiveOaksAcademy]

thank you. that was what i needed to hear.

 

Good point!!

 

:grouphug::grouphug: to you, Katie.

[bbmom]

The chance that you would be a match for him (even with the correct type blood) is SO minuscule that I wouldn't even consider it-not to mention that if your son winds up having the same disease your first priority would be to him. I think it is beyond generous of you to even consider it.

[Tree House Academy]

If there's any chance that your son could need your kidney one day, I would hold on to it for him.

 

 

:iagree: This is exactly what I was thinking

[Ellie]

Here's the thing: You still have young children at home. They need you. If you give up a kidney, what happens if *you* should have some sort of kidney problems down the road? What happens if there are complications after the surgery?

 

No, my vote would be not to do it.

[Parrothead]

It is nice of you to consider doing this, but you need to consider your son and your baby girl. They both need you to be healthy and whole for a variety of reasons.

 

I don't want to sound heartless but your ex needs to 1) start taking care of himself, 2) stop freaking you (and probably your ds) out over this. I mean he isn't even on dialysis yet. I don't know the disease he has but I'm sure if transplant happens it will be years down the road.

[*********]

I donated a kidney to my sister 12 years ago. Of course, I can only speak for my experience.

 

I mean he isn't even on dialysis yet. I don't know the disease he has but I'm sure if transplant happens it will be years down the road.

 

This is not my experience at all. With my sister, her nephrologist had me tested for a match once her kidney function was 'low enough' that she would be needing dialysis shortly, if she didn't get a transplant. (I was tested first because, at the time, sis and I were *very* close, and I wanted first dibs at donating, so to speak.)

 

It is unusual for people not even on dialysis to talk transplant.

 

Again, not my experience at all. Since my sister had a willing donor (me), along with others who were willing to at least be tested if I didn't match, they went ahead with matching/testing right before she would be 'bad enough' to need dialysis. She never did go on dialysis before the transplant.

 

If there's any chance that your son could need your kidney one day, I would hold on to it for him. If you and your son are not and would never be a match, I don't know. Does your husband have other relatives, siblings, parents, cousins who would be more natural donors?

 

This is one consideration I didn't have at the time; my own children who may some day need my kidney. I wasn't married and didn't have children when I donated. Today, my decision making process would be different than it was then. If you can, I'd have your son tested to see if, should the need arise, you would even be a possible match for him. If so, I'd not donate. If not, well, then that consideration gets taken out of your decision.

 

Also, it's a good point that your xh's blood relatives are much more likely to be a match. Which is not to say you *won't* be, but frankly, I'd wait and see if he has a relative/relatives willing/able to donate before I even volunteered to be tested.

 

If you have any specific questions about what the donor goes through, feel free to ask. My particular sitaution with my sister did, however, end sadly. Within two years of donating to her, she had killed the kidney I gave her because she stopped taking her anti-rejection medication due to clinical depression. Then she ended up on dialysis, and spent several years having to strictly follow all dr's orders, including therapy, before any hospital would even put her on the donor registry. Basically, the medical community told her 'You already got your chance, and you blew it on purpose. Now you must spend a great deal of time proving that you won't do that with the next kidney.' She did eventually get a second transplant from a donor kidney; no one in the family was willing to donate after what she had done to my kidney.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

This is not my experience at all. With my sister, her nephrologist had me tested for a match once her kidney function was 'low enough' that she would be needing dialysis shortly, if she didn't get a transplant. (I was tested first because, at the time, sis and I were *very* close, and I wanted first dibs at donating, so to speak.)

 

Again, not my experience at all. Since my sister had a willing donor (me), along with others who were willing to at least be tested if I didn't match, they went ahead with matching/testing right before she would be 'bad enough' to need dialysis. She never did go on dialysis before the transplant.

 

:iagree: My best friend will (hopefully) be getting a kidney transplant from her step-brother this summer, and she is not on dialysis. She is dangerously close at this point, but they've been testing and seriously talking donation for a couple months now.

[Impish]

The only ppl I would risk my children's mother for are my children, and my husband...and even then, Wolf would likely refuse.

[jujsky]

If there's any chance that your son could need your kidney one day, I would hold on to it for him. If you and your son are not and would never be a match, I don't know. Does your husband have other relatives, siblings, parents, cousins who would be more natural donors?

 

 

:iagree: I wouldn't want to give it to anyone else if there was a possibility my child might need it one day.

[stripe]

I have trouble imagining donating an organ to a former spouse.

[amyrjoy]

I concur with don't donate! Be safe for your son!

[Slartibartfast]

The chance that you would be a match for him (even with the correct type blood) is SO minuscule that I wouldn't even consider it-not to mention that if your son winds up having the same disease your first priority would be to him. I think it is beyond generous of you to even consider it.

 

:iagree:

[kalanamak]

:iagree: My best friend will (hopefully) be getting a kidney transplant from her step-brother this summer, and she is not on dialysis. She is dangerously close at this point, but they've been testing and seriously talking donation for a couple months now.

 

Since there are 50,000 or so people on the "active" transplant list, and around 15,000 transplants done per year, many don't have friends and family who are stepping up, and dialysis does take place. One may hope and ask (even ex-spouses evidently), but dialysis becomes a reality for a majority.

 

This list is excluding the many who don't qualify for the list, in that they have too many complicating factors or are deemed unlikely to be able to handle the transplant emotionally or physically.

 

I do forget I serve the "underserved", and while I've had known many on dialysis, and a few transplants, I have never known a living donor situation, on either end.

 

Same with insulin pumps. It seems there are many people on this board who have them or have family members with them. I've only even seen two, in my world. I spend my time just trying to convince reluctant patients to consider checking their sugars more than once a day, and actually giving themselves a little coverage with each meal. :)

[MorganClassicalPrep]

Since there are 50,000 or so people on the "active" transplant list, and around 15,000 transplants done per year, many don't have friends and family who are stepping up, and dialysis does take place. One may hope and ask (even ex-spouses evidently), but dialysis becomes a reality for a majority.

 

This list is excluding the many who don't qualify for the list, in that they have too many complicating factors or are deemed unlikely to be able to handle the transplant emotionally or physically.

 

I do forget I serve the "underserved", and while I've had known many on dialysis, and a few transplants, I have never known a living donor situation, on either end.

 

Same with insulin pumps. It seems there are many people on this board who have them or have family members with them. I've only even seen two, in my world. I spend my time just trying to convince reluctant patients to consider checking their sugars more than once a day, and actually giving themselves a little coverage with each meal. :)

 

Oh, I'm not denying that dialysis does become a reality, I was just responding to the statement that talking donation before dialysis was unlikely.

 

Really? You've only seen two insulin pumps? Wow. I thought they were more common.

Both of the diabetics I know have them. :tongue_smilie:And one of those won't be a diabetic much longer! (The best friend getting a kidney is also getting a pancreas.) :party:

[ocelotmom]

Really? You've only seen two insulin pumps? Wow. I thought they were more common.

Both of the diabetics I know have them. :tongue_smilie:

In my two years of clinicals, where probably a good third were diabetic, I didn't see one pump.

 

Of course, most of those were Type II, and not normally insulin-dependent.

[kalanamak]

 

Really? You've only seen two insulin pumps? Wow. I thought they were more common.

 

 

 

I work with people who would sell a pump if given one. Possibly for as little as a pack of cigarettes. :)

[LizzyBee]

I just wanted to say that you are a good person for even considering donating a kidney to your ex-husband. I know you'd be doing for your son's sake, but still... :grouphug:

 

I hope for his and your son's sake that he has a family member who matches and is willing to donate.

[mom4him]

Wow, that is a good point! I didn't even think of that. There is a chance. My son has not been diagnosed with the disease, but it generally can't be diagnosed until the teens or early twenties. Honestly, they don't know if it is genetic or not, but it tends to run in some families. You are right though, and I think you just made up my mind for me.

 

And yes, my ex does has family members that would probably be a closer match. He has living parents, a sister, and several cousins.

 

Thank you!

I would definitely let the gambit of other possibilities play out. If it looked like you are the last chance then I would start seriously considering it.

:grouphug:

[Lady Dove]

I would not donate a kidney to my ex. I might consider it for my current husband. Of course I have a horrible relationship with my ex (he physically abused me for 6 years) and he is not a part of my son's life, so the circumstances are different. I think it is generous of you to have even considered giving him a kidney since he is your ex. IMO, I would save my kidney for my immediate family. My ex does not apply.

[Mommy22alyns]

I completely agree with PP who said to keep your kidneys in case your son needs one some day.

[Jenny in GA]

I have no suggestions, but for some reason I wanted to respond, since I have a kidney disease myself (no need for a transplant yet, thankfully.) Maybe that will make you guys feel slightly less alone ...

 

My only suggestion is to find out as many details, risks, other people's stories, etc, as possible ...

 

Good luck.

[Cera]

Wow, that is a good point! I didn't even think of that. There is a chance. My son has not been diagnosed with the disease, but it generally can't be diagnosed until the teens or early twenties. Honestly, they don't know if it is genetic or not, but it tends to run in some families. You are right though, and I think you just made up my mind for me.

 

And yes, my ex does has family members that would probably be a closer match. He has living parents, a sister, and several cousins.

 

Thank you!

 

This was exactly my thought. I think you can donate a kidney until age 65 which would make you eligible to donate to your son through his younger adult years if he needed it.

 

It would be a hard decision for me as I know what their father means to my girls but I don't think I would be willing to go through kidney donation for him.

[ktgrok]

It is nice of you to consider doing this, but you need to consider your son and your baby girl. They both need you to be healthy and whole for a variety of reasons.

 

I don't want to sound heartless but your ex needs to 1) start taking care of himself, 2) stop freaking you (and probably your ds) out over this. I mean he isn't even on dialysis yet. I don't know the disease he has but I'm sure if transplant happens it will be years down the road.

 

As a few others said, they start talking donor before they get to dialysis. He is down to 25% function. At 20% function they do transplants/dialysis.

 

I agree that he needs to start taking care of himself. He is great at taking meds, but sucks at eating well, getting enough sleep, etc. One of the many many reasons we are divorced.

 

Honestly, I don't want to be the one taking care of him once again. Having all these wonderful ladies point out that I need that kidney incase my son gets the disease is enough to let me not offer, and still feel ok as a person.

[ktgrok]

 

This is one consideration I didn't have at the time; my own children who may some day need my kidney. I wasn't married and didn't have children when I donated. Today, my decision making process would be different than it was then. If you can, I'd have your son tested to see if, should the need arise, you would even be a possible match for him. If so, I'd not donate. If not, well, then that consideration gets taken out of your decision.

 

.

 

From what I'm reading, they have such good anti rejection meds that they no longer require a perfect match, or even close to it. Obviously they prefer it, but if the blood types are the same, and they don't have a better donor, they will even use a kidney from someone that has 0/6 factors. So even if my son and I are not a great match, he might still need my kidney. My blood type is O, so that isn't an issue at all, I know that part is compatible. And since I'm reading the tissue matching part is less important than it used to be I'm not able to rule out us matching, if that makes sense.

 

So I will not volunteer. But I will explain to him why I'm not offering.

[ktgrok]

I have no suggestions, but for some reason I wanted to respond, since I have a kidney disease myself (no need for a transplant yet, thankfully.) Maybe that will make you guys feel slightly less alone ...

 

My only suggestion is to find out as many details, risks, other people's stories, etc, as possible ...

 

Good luck.

 

Hugs! My ex has IgA nephrophathy, and was diagnosed in his middle school years. He was pretty stable until just recently. Even now, if he took more proactive care of himself he would be doing better than he is. Only 10% of patients need a transplant, but it looks like he might be one of them. figures.

 

The good news is that I read that they now do the surgery laprascopically, which is much easier to recover from.

[BatmansWife]

My particular sitaution with my sister did, however, end sadly. Within two years of donating to her, she had killed the kidney I gave her because she stopped taking her anti-rejection medication due to clinical depression.

 

How sad. And, what a waste of your kidney. :ohmy:

 

Having all these wonderful ladies point out that I need that kidney incase my son gets the disease is enough to let me not offer, and still feel ok as a person.

 

It sounds like you've already made your decision. And, I think it's the right decision. I would also agree to save your kidney for your son in case he ever needs it.

 

One thing I don't think was talked about here was how your husband feels about this. What does he think of you possibly giving up an organ for your ex? I'm not sure of recovery time...but this must be regarded as major surgery.

 

While I really know nothing about transplants, it appears that they aren't anything to take lightly. When I read this I thought of an interview on the Today Show a few months ago. They interviewed a man who had gotten a liver transplant from his healthy brother. Sadly, the brother died during the transplant....leaving a wife and 3 young boys. It's been very hard on the surviving brother to even cope, knowing his brother died giving him an organ...and now that organ is being rejected. :crying:

Edited June 6, 2011 by ~AprilMay~

[Donna]

My friend's mother donated her kidney to her brother years ago. They were both older with grown children so in a little different position. The recovery from the operation was harder on my friend's mother...her brother was already ill so it made him feel better.

 

You are in a tough position. I guess offering to be tested is one thing, you could not be a match. Actually going through with it if you are would be a very tough decision to make.

:grouphug:

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I offered a kidney to my SIL (brother's wife) years ago and I'm glad she declined. I didn't know at the time that she was an alcoholic. And.....if one of my kids ever needed it I would want to have it available for them.

 

If your son is at risk of the same disease that your ex has would you wish you had saved it for your son? That would be my biggest consideration.

[Audrey]

It is a brutal surgery for the donor. I am not sorry I did it.

 

That said, if I were you, in your position, I would not volunteer to test for a match. Undoubtedly, he has blood relatives who would be a better match anyway. Save yours for your children if they may need it. There is no shame in not donating. There is shame in trying to manipulate someone into donating, though. Don't let him manipulate you.

[Impish]

So I will not volunteer. But I will explain to him why I'm not offering.

I'd just not say anything. Why get yourself into a position of apologizing/defending a reasonable decision?

[MorganClassicalPrep]

I'd just not say anything. Why get yourself into a position of apologizing/defending a reasonable decision?

 

:iagree: