Adoption--older or younger than your kids?

[lisamarie]

I am praying about the idea of adopting a boy via the DHS (wards of the state). I would want it to be a boy who would be close enough to my DS's age (7) where they could be playmates. What age would you go with? Older than all your kids? Younger than all of them? Somewhere in the middle? My DS is 7, my girls are 3 and 5. I would want him to be over the age of 2 but under 10 for sure.

 

This is all a pipe dream because it would take an act of God to move my DH's heart in this direction, but if after praying I still feel the Lord seriously calling us in this direction, I would trust the Lord to move DH's heart. (It has been a dream of mine since I was a kid to adopt and lately I've really felt the nudge in this direction)

[KristinaBreece]

I heard a speaker at a Women's Breakfast last year talk about this. She always had felt lead to adoption. Her husband always felt led that they should maintain their status quo, be happy with their own DC & leave it at that. They fought about it, talked about it... For. Years. Finally they had a last conversation about it, where she told him that she would pray for God to take that dream away from her. When she was finally ready to let it go, her DH came to her & told her that he had been praying & felt that God absolutely was leading them to adoption. :grouphug:

[Melinda in VT]

I would definitely go younger than your youngest child, although I have no personal experience.

 

Interestingly, I was looking at kids in my state just the other night (even though realistically I'm not looking to foster or adopt right now), and I was surprised to see that pretty much all of them were looking for families with no other kids or only older teens.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've always heard that you should maintain birth order in the family - so the child should be younger.

[lisamarie]

I'm currently looking at the DHS listings and I gotta admit, there are 2 kids that are just tugging at my heart--a brother and sister. The boy is 10 and the girl is 13. I just can't decide if that's too old for my group. I'd be completely shifting the dynamics of my family by making my oldest into a middle child, especially with giving him an older brother. Plus, would bringing a 13 year old into the mix be fair to her? Saddling her with 4 younger siblings who you know she'd end up babysitting.:tongue_smilie:

[Pegasus]

It's unfortunate but all of these children available should be considered special needs due to the experiences they've had. You simply must consider the safety of your children first.

 

I researched fostering several years ago and to put it bluntly, you don't want to bring anyone into your house that your existing children could not protect themselves from.

 

Pegasus

[Peela]

When I looked into fostering, and went to some meetings, I was told that it works best when the child is younger than your own kids, so that they aren't superceded.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm currently looking at the DHS listings and I gotta admit, there are 2 kids that are just tugging at my heart--a brother and sister. The boy is 10 and the girl is 13. I just can't decide if that's too old for my group. I'd be completely shifting the dynamics of my family by making my oldest into a middle child, especially with giving him an older brother. Plus, would bringing a 13 year old into the mix be fair to her? Saddling her with 4 younger siblings who you know she'd end up babysitting.:tongue_smilie:

 

Part of the reason for getting children who are younger is because of the real possibility that you might get children who have abused in some way. A younger child would find it harder to prey on older siblings.

[Mergath]

It's unfortunate but all of these children available should be considered special needs due to the experiences they've had. You simply must consider the safety of your children first.

 

I researched fostering several years ago and to put it bluntly, you don't want to bring anyone into your house that your existing children could not protect themselves from.

 

Pegasus

 

I lived in a foster home for a time when I was a teen and my dad was having some problems, and I have to agree with this. A lot of these kids have some serious issues. I would go younger rather than older.

[elegantlion]

Dh and I discussed adoption several times. We always concluded that we would consider a child younger than ds. We wanted ds to be the oldest, we considered it part of the fairness to him. Kind of birthright in our minds.

 

Ultimately we decided we like our family the way it is, one child.

[Melinda in VT]

I'm currently looking at the DHS listings and I gotta admit, there are 2 kids that are just tugging at my heart--a brother and sister. The boy is 10 and the girl is 13. I just can't decide if that's too old for my group. I'd be completely shifting the dynamics of my family by making my oldest into a middle child, especially with giving him an older brother. Plus, would bringing a 13 year old into the mix be fair to her? Saddling her with 4 younger siblings who you know she'd end up babysitting.:tongue_smilie:

 

Maybe I'm jaded from the particulars of the adoptions I know about, but I don't think a girl adopted at 13 from DHS is likely to be a recommended babysitter. At least around here, most kids adopted out of the foster system at older ages have experienced a lot in their lives and are busy working through some pretty hefty issues.

 

Your kids are still young enough to be vulnerable. I'd be very hesitant to introduce older children into the mix.

[SweetBean]

It's unfortunate but all of these children available should be considered special needs due to the experiences they've had. You simply must consider the safety of your children first.

 

I researched fostering several years ago and to put it bluntly, you don't want to bring anyone into your house that your existing children could not protect themselves from.

 

Pegasus

That is very true. You might want to check out the Bethany Adoption Forums, it's a great place to ask questions, and do research. http://discussion.bethany.org/index.php

[RebeccaS]

We are a foster/adoptive family. The resounding recommendation within the foster system is to stick to birth order. Having gone through (required) classes dealing with the possible abuses the children may have experienced and how to recognize it being manifested in various behaviors, I'd say no way would I consider older kids while mine were still young. :001_smile:

[LifeLovePassion]

I would also maintain birth order, unless you are going way older. We were considering adopting a 16+ year old (and our girls were 2 and 4). We would never have left them alone, and the people we spoke with said they would consider it for the right child (via phone, never got that far in the process...yet). Otherwise most agencies won't even let you consider it.

[Spryte]

Your county probably offers training classes for foster parents. Have you looked into taking them? DH and I have been through training and are newly certified foster parents. We took similar training before we adopted our first child in a parental placement. It opened our hearts, and we knew we would someday foster. The training classes will answer a lot of questions for you, so I would encourage you to find out if they are offered in your area.

 

When we decided to adopt again, and to go the foster adopt route, we had the same question about ages. Ultimately, I think it can work either way, although instinctively one would want to preserve birth order. With younger siblings (your girls) you would want to be sure that the boy's background is one you can handle (for example, I'd be more comfortable with a child removed from a home with neglect than with sexual abuse since you have younger girls).

 

Hoping that you find the best answer for your family!

Edited May 18, 2011 by Spryte

[Ottakee]

We have adopted 3 through foster care and have fostered over 100 others so we have a bit of experience.

 

In general, ok, almost always, you want to stay younger than your youngest by several years. Kids in foster care are often very street wise but very immature at the same time. It can make discipline very difficult if you have a bio child who is ready to certain things but an adopted child who is 2-3 years older but is not ready for the same thing, there can be HUGE issues.

 

Also, many foster/adopted children have seen and experienced a lot of "adult" behavior and might act out on others or even just expose your own kids to things they aren't ready for yet.

 

I am very pro adoption from foster care but you REALLY need to prepared for the issues that WILL come up---the issues can vary from child to child and may change over time but things will come up. Some minor, some quite severe.

 

For example, just tonight my 14dd was asking about how you can REALLY be a mother if you didn't give birth---her questions came after our church mother/daughter banquet and I think she wanted assurance that even though I didn't give birth to her (or any child) that I was still her mother----and she has been with us since 2 days old (placed through foster care as we had her older bio sister).

 

These kids wonder why they weren't "worth" enough for their parents to change their behaviors to keep them.

 

For a bit of insight in how the child might feel, check out the book, I Beat the Odds by Michael Ore (not sure on the last name but the kid from the movie The Blind Side).

[texasmama]

Typical advice is to adopt younger than the age of your youngest child so as not to disrupt birth order. (That said, pray that God brings you the child your family needs and that if it is to be, that your dh will change his mind.)

[Plucky]

Younger - I would recommending fostering to adopt. No way would I adopt kids that hadn't lived in my home at least a year.

[RanchGirl]

Definitely younger.

[In the Rain]

:iagree: with all the reasons listed for only adopting children younger than the children already in your home.

[Julie in Austin]

We were foster parents, briefly. I thought two years would be enough of a gap, but it wasn't. (Nothing horrid happened, but the potential was there.) I would recommend at least a 5 year gap and probably more between your youngest and the oldest child that you foster.

[jujsky]

The general rule of thumb is to adopt younger than the youngest child.

[fourcatmom]

I can completely relate to your situation. I have been having this nagging, but good feeling that I should be doing foster care. I don't have the means to do this right now and my DH is set against it. We had even split up last year and that's when I was more focused on making it happen.

 

I would agree that you need to go younger. There are many children that I work with that are in the system that have had really bad things happen to them. You need your entire family to understand that and be ready to deal with the physical, and emotional support that those children will need. This is also a hard one for me because my 10 yo has anxiety and I know there are parts of doing foster that will make things harder for her - like getting attached and then having that child leave or having another child whom is emotional. But, again I am feeling pulled in this direction.

 

Good Luck to you!

[the4Rs]

I feel your struggle. I really do. I'd share more but my opinion isn't necessarily popular. Just know I am struggling in this area of spousal refusal. Mine said yes in Feb and told me to start researching...then when we were given an amazing green light to pursue...my husband up and changed his mind. Now we are sitting at a checkmate position.

 

I have never before fasted but I am doing it now and praying fervantly that God would move my husband. Or at least to let me be submissive in heart and mind even when I don't want to be...and frankly praying hard that my bitterness would go away cause it is an ugly monster right now.

 

Just know...whoever the child is that should be in your family is exactly who God had picked out from the start. Go in eyes wide open, expect troubling situations, but know that God makes no mistakes if we trust and follow him. He can redeem any child and any situation. But he doesn't ask us to be ignorant either. *Hugs*

[Tap]

I'm currently looking at the DHS listings and I gotta admit, there are 2 kids that are just tugging at my heart--a brother and sister. The boy is 10 and the girl is 13. I just can't decide if that's too old for my group. I'd be completely shifting the dynamics of my family by making my oldest into a middle child, especially with giving him an older brother. Plus, would bringing a 13 year old into the mix be fair to her? Saddling her with 4 younger siblings who you know she'd end up babysitting.:tongue_smilie:

 

In no way, would I bring a 10yo and 13yo sibling group into my home with kids your children's ages.

 

Children who are in foster care, have often been raised in families on the edge. They have gone through some circumstances with their parents, that the state feels the parents are not 'minimally adequate' to raise children. Trust me when I say 'minimally adequate' can be translated to barely functioning. There are some rare cases of orphans, or families that are falsely accused, but for the most part, the children have been raised in bad situations. These kids have not been taught what is acceptable behavior and what is not, with the same morals of more functional families. The kids have to unlearn what has been their every day life. They can't 'unsee' and 'unlearn' all they have been taught. They have to choose to change their behaviors and just like all of us with minor addictions like soda pop and coffee, some habits are just too hard for these kids to break. These kids have often been raised in families which have skewed 'right and wrong' for typical social norms. Exposure to sex, violence, drugs, alcohol, dysfunctional relationships, pornography, basic needs that may have been withheld, theft, physical and emotional abuse...are all common denominators in foster kids. Even things that have happened to these kids, that they didn't understand....register in their subconscious and linger, waiting to be worked out.

 

 

These kids need homes. These kids need love and shelter. BUT young kids, are easy, easy victims, for an older foster child to work out their previous lives on. I would not, jump in, especially as inexperienced foster parents, into this situation.

 

 

If you are looking for a playmate for your son, find a playmate....they don't have to become a sibling.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

It's unfortunate but all of these children available should be considered special needs due to the experiences they've had. You simply must consider the safety of your children first.

 

I researched fostering several years ago and to put it bluntly, you don't want to bring anyone into your house that your existing children could not protect themselves from.

 

Pegasus

 

Sadly, because I do have such a heart for older children looking for their forever families, it is hard for me to say that I have to agree with this. I am the adoptive mom of two little ones who are about to turn 5. I have fostered many children. My first experience was with an 11 year old girl. My bio son was 8 at the time. Long story short, it was a disaster and after a year we had to have her removed from our home. I am sure there are many success stories but I would suggest that you not take a chance. I wish you the best of luck with your journey.

 

Blessings,

 

Lisa

[Ottakee]

Sadly, because I do have such a heart for older children looking for their forever families, it is hard for me to say that I have to agree with this.

 

We have a heart for older child adoptions (esp. boys) as well but given that we have 3 special needs kids, including girls that are 14 and 15, we just can't right now. We do do respite for very selective boys but safeguards are in place.

 

I would love to see many familes with older teens and young adults consider adopting these older children. The parents would then have some experience and maturity and the kids could have older siblings for role models but yet not put other children in danger.

 

These children do need homes but they also need homes that can handle their special issues and provide them a safe environment in which to heal.

[MaMa2005]

We have three adopted children and run an adoption support group. Advice from agencies all go with the 'don't disrupt birth order' line. We have seen many who have gone against this advice and have really paid the price.

 

We have friends who have just adopted a sibling group of 3. They already have 2 girls at home (ages 3 and 4) and have added this sibling group with ages 9. 12, 13. Things are not going well.

 

I am a huge advocate of older child adoption, but not out of birth order adoption.

[Mimm]

My advice is to wait till your children are out of the house before you adopt. My parents adopted several older children and it was nothing but destructive to the health of our family and the happiness of my siblings and I. I won't go into detail because I would be accused of making stuff up if I were to tell you everything that my family was put through. I know some people here will disagree and say that it's working great for them, and that's fine. But you can't guarantee that it'll be great. You can't guarantee that you'll get social workers that will be honest with you about the children that you're getting or provide the help and support you need to deal with their issues (and yes, they will have issues). The system is very much set up to protect children but in the process it forgets to look out for adoptive families. If you want to adopt children, fine, it's a good thing to do. But I strongly believe if you want to adopt a child and not a baby (that you are getting as soon as it's born) then you should wait until your children are out of the house or will be within one or two years.

[Carrie12345]

I've been feeling the same tug for about 5 years.

 

In all my research, I've always heard that birth order should be kept. Part of my brain refused to buy into that based on the knowledge that *someone's* birth order would be changed by virtue of adoption - if not my bio kids', the adopted child's for sure. And wouldn't that be just one more thing for them to adjust to?

 

I'm also big on the fact that there are no guarantees with biological children (proven by my own experiences), so it would be illogical to have any preconceived notions about adopted children, right?

 

But those are all ideas. The REALITY is that foster children have been removed from their bio family for reasons. Big reasons. And that means these children have experienced trauma, which always has the potential to manifest itself in scary ways, some of which may not surface for years.

 

For that reason, I do feel it's necessary to wait until all of my children are emotionally mature enough to handle that kind of possibility, as well as physically mature enough to protect themselves from any possible danger. That automatically rules out "disrupting birth order" for us.

[Impish]

Younger, absolutely.

 

Wolf and I talked about adoption for a long time. Initially, we were interested in older boys...partially b/c we simply enjoy parenting sons, but also b/c boys, statistically, have a lower adoption rate once the infant stage passes...and Wolf was adopted.

 

All our reseach caused a great deal of concern and anxiety. With our children being so young, we came to the conclusion that its just not a risk we could take at this point. Our hearts want to, but...

 

I figure we'll revisit this when the kids are older.

[Storm Bay]

When I was 4 and my mother told me we were getting a foster brother or sister, I hoped it would be an older boy who could make good forts:D. As it turned out, he was younger and it was for the better for my sister and I (my parents adopted 2 boys, one was a foster brother for about 4 years first). My mother did have a suprise bio baby later on. It worked out with my two youngest brothers because there were no safety issues with my db who came as a foster child first.

 

As a mother, I would want a dc significantly younger than mine for safety reasons. While I realize that not all foster dc are going to abuse younger dc (I have a friend who became a foster child at 12 or 13 after she ran away from her alchololic dad and she wasn't abusive, nor is she now) I wouldn't want to take the risk.

 

Of course, given that I have one very challenging dc and that the other two aren't easy, I don't have enough energy left over to care for another dc right now. It was my dream to adopt and/or have foster dc for many years because of my family experience growing up.

[KrissiK]

We have 3 adopted children from foster care. Granted, they were babies when we got them, but we've been hoping to adopt a 4th and would not adopt out of birth order. I want my children to be able to be "influencers" and not the other way around. We had a little girl here for a time (complicated situation) who was in the foster care system. She was the same age as my middle child and it was difficult on my youngest to have her around. I know some people who have adopted out of birth order and it seems to be ok, but I wouldn't.

[DawnM]

We chose to adopt a child younger than our older two. It has worked fabulously for us and I feel incredibly fortunate to have gotten the amazing child we got.

 

If God were to lead us to adopt another child that would be older, we would definitely consider it, but so far, we have not felt lead to do that and wouldn't choose to do it on our own.

 

Dawn