I don't understand some people's priorities...

[ktgrok]

:confused: I think the OP is perfectly within her rights to be critical of these parents especially as it's now impacting her life. Putting your child in a substandard daycare situation so you can pay for a boat and a new truck? Expecting relatives to jump in and care for your child so you can work to buy luxury items? Come on.

 

Thank you, that's the situation in a nutshell. I didn't even mention the numerous times my mother has driven 3 hours to come up to stay for a week to watch the baby, because she was too sick to go to daycare. The last time was last week, before I started watching her. My mom has to leave behind her husband, dog, house, friends, and routine to care for her so that they can eat out and have new cars and a boat. ugh.

 

Katie

[Anne]

From personal experience- don't let them take advantage of you. I know you want to do what is best for your niece, but you cannot solve their problems for them. You will end up angry and burned out.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Anne

[Mejane]

I've known plenty of people who "did all the right things" concerning finances and still lost a lot in the stock market, or lost a job out of the blue ot had serious medical issues that kept them from working.

 

As have we all. That's not the case with the folks being discussed though, is it?

[athena1277]

DH's brother and his wife are like the one's the OP described. Thankfully with SIL working 50+ hours per week they can afford a live-in nanny from overseas, so the children are well taken care of.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I have friends sort of like this. They are paying for 2 "new" used cars and private preschool for dd who turns 5 in July but isn't being taught more than sitting still and being quiet and coloring in the lines. The mom works part-time, but instead of paying for daycare they depend on friends and family to watch their kids. My friend got a new iphone, decided it wasn't enough and got an ipad. They buy more convenience food than cooking from scratch.

 

The dad was homeschooled for 1/2 his schooling, but had a bad experience with it (not a lot of support groups back then) so he dosen't want to do that. According to him he wasn't exposed to germs enough as a kid, so he gets sick a lot now. He wants his kids to get exposed to a lot (and they get sick every other month or so) to build up their immune system.

 

You DIFFIDENTLY should be getting money from your sister, especially with gas prices being what they are. I think asking for 1/2 of what they were paying before would be fair. It's less for them, but good for you.

[RanchGirl]

The dad was homeschooled for 1/2 his schooling, but had a bad experience with it (not a lot of support groups back then) so he dosen't want to do that. According to him he wasn't exposed to germs enough as a kid, so he gets sick a lot now.

 

thank you for that comic relief, I needed a good laugh today! That is quite possibly the dumbest reason I've ever heard against homeschooling.

[msk]

I agree the situation the OP described is troubling. But I'm also troubled by a few of the comments.

 

As a working mom (By choice! Gasp!), I resent reading that I should never have had children knowing I didn't intend to stay home with them full time. I resent reading that I am a bad parent. How could you possibly know all of that by knowing only ONE thing about me?

 

I understand that this is a mostly-homeschooling board, and that these sorts of posts are a reaction from people who've been negatively judged (by strangers, by family) for choosing to stay home with their kids. I know these statements come from uncertainty and defensiveness, and I empathize. I understand not wanting to self-censor when you're on a board among like-minded people.

 

The thing is, it really is better to defend your own choices without having to issue a broad condemnation of other people. An argument based on the strength and rightness of your own choices makes you stronger; an argument based on opposition to some perceived weakness or flaw in other people makes you weaker, because it only makes you feel more defensive. You end up *needing* other people to fail in order to feel successful yourself, and that cannot be good for anyone.

 

These are the same kinds of feelings that make some people *enjoy* the problems with public schools because it makes their choice seem "more right," when in reality these problems should make all of us sad.

 

The women on this board are strong. You've made tough decisions and stuck by them, even when it's hard work. Please don't demean yourselves by feeling "right" only when you can cast others as "wrong."

[ktgrok]

I agree the situation the OP described is troubling. But I'm also troubled by a few of the comments.

 

As a working mom (By choice! Gasp!), I resent reading that I should never have had children knowing I didn't intend to stay home with them full time. I resent reading that I am a bad parent. How could you possibly know all of that by knowing only ONE thing about me?

 

I understand that this is a mostly-homeschooling board, and that these sorts of posts are a reaction from people who've been negatively judged (by strangers, by family) for choosing to stay home with their kids. I know these statements come from uncertainty and defensiveness, and I empathize. I understand not wanting to self-censor when you're on a board among like-minded people.

 

The thing is, it really is better to defend your own choices without having to issue a broad condemnation of other people. An argument based on the strength and rightness of your own choices makes you stronger; an argument based on opposition to some perceived weakness or flaw in other people makes you weaker, because it only makes you feel more defensive. You end up *needing* other people to fail in order to feel successful yourself, and that cannot be good for anyone.

 

These are the same kinds of feelings that make some people *enjoy* the problems with public schools because it makes their choice seem "more right," when in reality these problems should make all of us sad.

 

The women on this board are strong. You've made tough decisions and stuck by them, even when it's hard work. Please don't demean yourselves by feeling "right" only when you can cast others as "wrong."

 

um, wow. I did read people saying that it is wrong to put your child in substandard care in order to work. I didn't read that it was wrong to work in all circumstances. I admit it, I don't understand it when people choose to only see their child 2 hours a day, like my sister, so I said I found it sad that some people find a job more fulfilling than their child. I know some people find a balance, but that isn't the case for a lot of people. They really are choosing to spend VERY little time with their child, and if they are giving up that time just to own a better car, or a boat, or a giant flatscreen tv in every room, yeah....I find it sad. But I don't feel better because of those situations. I feel sad about them. That's all.

[sassenach]

I do understand the frustration people are expressing here, especially when it comes to seeing kids who seem to be paying the price for their parents' decisions.

 

However, about the DVDs: We've known several families who have a tradition of buying a movie each week. For most families, it works out to be much less expensive than taking the whole crew to a theatre and is a nice treat to look forward to each week. Yes, it is less expensive to rent, but you often have fewer choices or have to wait to get a film you especially want. Buying is much more convenient and allows you to keep or lend the movie so it can be watched again and again.

 

In our area, movie tickets run about $10 for adults and $7 for children. A family of two adults and two kids would pay $34, more than the price of buying a DVD, just to get in the door. Snacks can easily run another $8-10 per person. When you add it up, a $25 DVD and some home-popped corn start looking like a bargain.

 

I totally get that buying a dvd is cheaper than going to the movies (family of 6 here!). That's not what I was talking about. I was talking about the frustration that comes with close observation and inside knowledge of a family's spending habits (spending $100+ a week on dvds, in that example). Like the op, I am not making a sweeping judgement based on surface information. I knew them well enough to know that the words coming out of their mouths did not match the choices that they were making and at some point those choices become impossible to ignore. Judgmental? Yes, but sometimes people deserve the judgements being made against them. Sometimes you can love a family enough, love their children enough, to feel the wound that they are inflicting upon themselves. But I cannot live 2 lives, so I give advice when asked and internally shake my head when it's ignored.

 

I do want to point out that if I took my frustrations and started talking to mutual friends about them, that would be gossip. Gossip is not ok. But internally making a judgement? How do you even stop yourself if you know that much about the person's life?

[mcconnellboys]

I hear you and I see what you're describing all around me in the world today. You know what is right and you live what is right. You can't make others do the same, though, not even those you love and want to help. They have to learn those lessons for themself or live with the consequences of their actions. You reap what you sow....

 

I am glad you are willing and able to help their child!

[ereks mom]

I know that I am VERY lucky to be able to stay home with my kids. But I also know that most of the reason I can stay home is NOT luck, it is smart decisions. We drive used vehicles, we have no car payment, we bought a house that was in bad shape so we could afford the mortgage and we are fixing it up bit by bit, we don't have cable, and we don't go out to restaruants often. I make food from scratch, etc. We can't afford vacations really, at least without saving for a year or more. But I am home with my kids! Even when I had to work when my son was young i worked opposite my husband's schedule, so I was home when he wasn't. My parents did the same thing, they scrimped and saved to keep us home.

 

My sister and her husband both work. Their baby was in daycare at 8 weeks, and now at 6 months has been sick at least once a month. Even their doctor has begged them to keep her out of daycare. Well, her fabulous daycare was closed down by DCF last week, and the only other place she could find with an opening took horrid care of her. She picked her up on a friday and she had a 101 fever that no one had noticed.And no one spoke English to even tell her how she was that day. But she was going to take her back there because she had "no other choice.". That's when I volunteered/begged to watch her at least until they find a better place. I couldn't stand thinking of her being neglected. So she is here now, thankfully. I have my one 1 year old and an 11 year old, but I'd rather she be here.

 

Anyway, what frustates me is the "no other choice" whine. Um, wow. They let their house be foreclosed on so they could get a rental that was 1000 less a month, even though they could afford the last place. They eat out almost every meal. They buy a new flat screen tv at least once every year. They have a boat! My sister just turned in her leased Jetta and got a brand new one. And today, the last straw was when I drove to meet my BIL to pick up my niece and he was in a brand new 4 door truck! He apparantly "had" to trade in his Jeep Commander because it didn't have a big enough engine to really tow the boat well. Yeah...um.....wouldn't want to have to drive slowly when towing your freakin boat! I can totally see how you HAVE to put your daughter in daycare, with all those stupid expenses!

 

Ugh! Here I am in my used minivan driving 45 minutes round trip to pick up your daughter, and totally rearrange my whole life, so that she is cared for, while you drive off in your gorgeous brand new giant truck.

 

maybe no one will get why this frustrates me. And I'm sure it makes me a bad person to care. But I am VERY grateful my husband is willing to sacrifice so that he doesn't have to worry about who takes care of his daughter.

 

Wow! :confused: For most of our married life, dh & I have been exactly where you are, but we made that sacrifice and I stayed home with our kids, and I.have.NO.regrets about doing it. I've had so many people tell me that they just couldn't make it on one income--but the people who say that are almost always the ones who drive the newest cars, wear the trendiest fashions, take the expensive vacations, own the latest electronic gadgets, live in the most expensive homes, eat at the priciest restaurants, etc. But my answer to them is, as my dad always said, "We do what we want to do."

Edited May 17, 2011 by ereks mom

[OH_Homeschooler]

If that was my sister I'd send her over some papers to sign giving me custody of her child. Apparently she doesn't want her.

 

Do you really believe this? I can't help but think this is way harsh. Wow.

[joannqn]

I understand the OP's feelings. I feel like she's in a hard place; she shouldn't be rescuing them from their bad choices but at the same time, it is hard to watch a child, especially one you are related to, pay the price.

[mommymilkies]

There is a huge difference between those who have to put their child in daycare to work in order to pay for housing, utilities, food, clothing, transportation, etc. and those who have to put their child in daycare to pay for their new truck to tow their boat. :grouphug:

 

From personal experience- don't let them take advantage of you. I know you want to do what is best for your niece, but you cannot solve their problems for them. You will end up angry and burned out.

:iagree: I was a single mom once and worked my tail off. And now I'm a SAHM. Some people really do need to work or want to. But I just can not possibly imagine putting my children in those kinds of situations when there is ANY alternative!

[RanchGirl]

I agree the situation the OP described is troubling. But I'm also troubled by a few of the comments.

 

As a working mom (By choice! Gasp!), I resent reading that I should never have had children knowing I didn't intend to stay home with them full time. I resent reading that I am a bad parent. How could you possibly know all of that by knowing only ONE thing about me?

 

I understand that this is a mostly-homeschooling board, and that these sorts of posts are a reaction from people who've been negatively judged (by strangers, by family) for choosing to stay home with their kids. I know these statements come from uncertainty and defensiveness, and I empathize. I understand not wanting to self-censor when you're on a board among like-minded people.

 

The thing is, it really is better to defend your own choices without having to issue a broad condemnation of other people. An argument based on the strength and rightness of your own choices makes you stronger; an argument based on opposition to some perceived weakness or flaw in other people makes you weaker, because it only makes you feel more defensive. You end up *needing* other people to fail in order to feel successful yourself, and that cannot be good for anyone.

 

These are the same kinds of feelings that make some people *enjoy* the problems with public schools because it makes their choice seem "more right," when in reality these problems should make all of us sad.

 

The women on this board are strong. You've made tough decisions and stuck by them, even when it's hard work. Please don't demean yourselves by feeling "right" only when you can cast others as "wrong."

 

:confused: I'm sorry that you are feeling judged, but I don't recall you, or *all* working mothers, being condemned. As far as I can see, the only uncertainty and defensiveness in this thread is coming from you. And a whole lot of condescension thrown in for good measure. I can only speak for myself, but you need not worry that I feel negatively judged for the choices I have made for my family, and quite frankly it's ludicrous to suggest that the "success" of a parent who chooses to raise her child herself is based on the perceived failure of others. It's also irrelevant to the conversation, which was about a specific family placing material wants above their child's welfare, and a concerned aunt making that child's needs a higher priority than her own parents are willing to do. This is a confusing choice for for most parents, especially those who make significant sacrifices on behalf of their children.

 

Thank you though, for your concern and "empathy". I'm glad we can at least agree that the situation described by the OP is "troubling"!

[cassiemc]

I have never understood when someone says to me, "You are so lucky. I wish I could stay home." When our first son was born, we were 23. We had no money. I stayed home. I simply couldn't take him to daycare. It was never an option. Most people can survive on one income if they really wanted to. It's all about what is important to you. It sounds like these parents are treating your niece as an accessory, some kind of status symbol like all of their stuff. Sad.

[msk]

:confused: I'm sorry that you are feeling judged, but I don't recall you, or *all* working mothers, being condemned.

Thank you though, for your concern and "empathy". I'm glad we can at least agree that the situation described by the OP is "troubling"!

 

I guess I should have quoted the posts that bother me. I just feel bad holding specific people up for things they probably wrote in a moment of frustration and may not have really meant the way they sounded. I was referring to statements like "I really don't understand why people have children if they aren't interested in raising them" and saying a family you've never met ought to give up custody of their children. I hope I wouldn't say anything like that on a public message board, or that if I did someone would tell me to "simmer down."

 

Sorry if I sounded condescending to you for some reason; I've been trained to write in kind of a stilted way, and it comes back to haunt me sometimes. The empathy I mentioned is because women are criticized whatever they do: for working, for not working, for having kids, for not having them. I've been criticized for one choice, so I can imagine how it feels to be criticized for the other one, and I think the whole criticism thing is wrong and unnecessary. I understand the need to vent, but I felt like the statements I mentioned above went a little too far. "Us vs them" attitudes are a pet peeve of mine, so maybe I'm overly sensitive.

[RanchGirl]

I guess I should have quoted the posts that bother me. I just feel bad holding specific people up for things they probably wrote in a moment of frustration and may not have really meant the way they sounded. I was referring to statements like "I really don't understand why people have children if they aren't interested in raising them" and saying a family you've never met ought to give up custody of their children. I hope I wouldn't say anything like that on a public message board, or that if I did someone would tell me to "simmer down."

 

Sorry if I sounded condescending to you for some reason; I've been trained to write in kind of a stilted way, and it comes back to haunt me sometimes. The empathy I mentioned is because women are criticized whatever they do: for working, for not working, for having kids, for not having them. I've been criticized for one choice, so I can imagine how it feels to be criticized for the other one, and I think the whole criticism thing is wrong and unnecessary. I understand the need to vent, but I felt like the statements I mentioned above went a little too far. "Us vs them" attitudes are a pet peeve of mine, so maybe I'm overly sensitive.

 

You are referring to something I said, but here's what I said in full:

I really don't understand why people have children if they aren't interested in raising them. I know plenty of great moms who work but are still very involved with their children and try to at least minimize the time spent in daycare.

I haven't been criticized for my parenting choices so I can't relate to that, but I imagine it would be very painful if the criticism came from someone who mattered. You have my sympathy. I also can't relate to choosing to work full time outside the home and putting little ones in daycare when it's not financially necessary; that is not a choice I would make. But if you are raising your children to the best of your ability, as I assume you are, my criticism above clearly doesn't apply to you, as evidenced by the second sentence quoted above. I didn't say that staying home full time is the only way to raise children. But common sense tells us that parents need to be interested in and involved with their children -- they don't raise themselves!

 

My criticism does apply to someone who dumps their child for long hours in substandard day care simply to work for fun or extra disposable income, as was the case in the original situation being discussed. If you (the general you, not a specific you) are putting more thought and consideration into your next car/boat/tv purchase than you put into selecting how your child spends the majority of his waking hours, and in fact you know your child is in a crappy daycare getting limited or no care but you don't do anything about it until the state shuts the daycare down, and then you just find yet another substandard situation to put the child in for the sake of convenience....then I think we can all agree that this is not quality parenting and some priorities need to be adjusted.

[Peela]

I find it very frustrating to see situations like that too, but often people do feel "stuck" in situation like that and cant really see the way out- especially if the partner is unwilling to shoulder the full responsibility. Then the mother feels she might lose him if she pushes for what she in her heart wants. Life is complex.

 

I hope you don't let them take advantage of you for more than a few weeks. They may be in discussion about it already, and going through their own process of re-evaluating- but they need to do it from a position of reality, not thinking you will rescue them with your soft heart.

[newbie]

Yup, if you are working for daycare, aint no reason to work. I think the decision, they dont want to be w/their kids.

 

I do the same thing as you, work opposite dh schedule, so someone is always w/kids. Even though they are older. I still think its necessary and crucial.

[kalanamak]

I get it. I understand. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:Your poor little niece. I feel ill over these "children as possessions" families. I see it at work, and it makes me sick. Your kid is in daycare all day, and then you have a babysitter every night so you can go to the casino with friends?

[ktgrok]

:iagree:Your poor little niece. I feel ill over these "children as possessions" families. I see it at work, and it makes me sick. Your kid is in daycare all day, and then you have a babysitter every night so you can go to the casino with friends?

 

I do want to say, in defense of my sister and her husband, they do love their daughter very much. They are just dumb, particularly my sister. She is sooo lacking in common sense and the ability to think outside the box it is pathetic. She has a Masters degree in education, but when it comes to taking care of her kid she is helpless, and wants everyone else to save her.

 

sigh.

[MrsJewelsRae]

That is so sad and frustrating! If my sister did that we'd be having a chat about it. Thankfully, my sister and I share most of the same values (she pretty much copies everything I do! ;)) That is just horrifying that they were willing to put their baby just about anywhere so they can go to work. Ick!

 

It does sometimes annoy me when other moms whine about how lucky I am to be home with my kids- I AM very blessed and am thankful most every day I get to spend my days with them- but luck has little to do with it. I would not settle for a man that did not have the same values as I do regarding the importance of being a SAHM, do I never had to worry about having that battle with my dh. Also, a lot of these people would not be willing to live on as much as we do. They would not be capable of or willing to stretch a dollar as much as I can! We disagree on what constitutes as a want and a necessity. So while I am lucky, it's not really luck at all- it's hard work and sacrificing, being frugal, often downright cheap that allows me to stay home with our children- and a whole lot of faith in the Lord and my dh to provide for us.

[Trish]

:iagree:If they can afford a new truck, they can afford to drop her off at your house for daycare. That's the way it is. It frustrates me to see things like this too--it's choices.

 

Yeah but they won't. My sister-in-law offered her son free daycare, but wanted him to drop the baby off to her each morning. (40 minute drive) Kid's in daycare now, and probably #2 will go there too, when he's born next month. #1 is sick a lot, but they say it's helping to "build his immunities." (who knows, maybe it is!) Both parents make over 100K, so I guess that's why neither of them can stay home.

 

It's just the way it is, these days. Many can't afford to stay home, many don't want to. Re: the "stuff," my siblings and I grew up without much in the way of stuff, even though I considered us comfortably middle class. This generation I don't think has had that experience, essentially, so they expect the stuff.

 

Not judging that, just observing it.

[Jenny in Florida]

The thing is, it really is better to defend your own choices without having to issue a broad condemnation of other people. An argument based on the strength and rightness of your own choices makes you stronger; an argument based on opposition to some perceived weakness or flaw in other people makes you weaker, because it only makes you feel more defensive. You end up *needing* other people to fail in order to feel successful yourself, and that cannot be good for anyone.

 

I'll go a little farther and say that, when I feel really secure about my own choices, I rarely have to defend them at all. Mostly, I don't get challenged. And when I do, I can usually let it roll off my back.

 

Please note that I did say "mostly" and "usually." I'm very aware that I've gotten a little defensive on a couple of threads here recently when people made broad generalizations criticizing one of our family's educational choices. I'm still a work in progress.

 

But, in general, I have found that when I feel confident and good about my choices, I get a lot fewer questions and criticisms from other people.

 

I'm also well aware that our family does lots of things "differently" from the norm. Since I want others to respect those decisions, I feel it's my responsibility to extend them the same courtesy.

 

Again, a work in progress. I do slip sometimes. But it is, I believe, a worthy goal.

[Jenny in Florida]

But internally making a judgement? How do you even stop yourself if you know that much about the person's life?

 

This is something I struggle with all the time.

 

What I've found really helpful is having to model and explain my behavior to my children. Since I want them to grow up being understanding, compassionate, thoughtful, gracious people, I have to do my best to show them what I believe that means.

 

So, when my kids come and tell me how shocked they are at how ignorant some other child is or how much violent TV the nine-year-old boy next door watches or what bigoted thing a choir-mate said, I try to force myself to deflect that anger and encourage walking in the other person's shoes for a minute. I have lost count of the number of times I've made some variation on the following speech: Different families have different values and different priorities. I'm sure they are just as baffled at some of our choices as we are at some of theirs. Different doesn't necessarily mean bad.

 

Since my kids are now teens, I've had a lot of practice saying these things for a lot of years, now. I noticed that, after a while, it started to become a habit to think it, myself.

Edited May 17, 2011 by Jenny in Florida

[Jenny in Florida]

But my answer to them is, as my dad always said, "We do what we want to do."

 

Another thing I've said to each of my kids countless times: Every choice you make to do one thing is a choice you make not to do a lot of other things.

[Audrey]

I understand what you're saying. We've made the same sacrifices. We see the same stuff going on with other people's priorities and lifestyles.

 

The thing is though... I'm old, and I've finally figured out that when it comes to other people's lifestyle choices -- you have to let it go. Be who you are and know that is the right thing for you and your family. What other people choose, what other people have -- these are of no consequence to your life. Hold your judgement in check. It is very likely they are judging you for your choices. Why sink to their level?

 

Truly, it is not worth the anxiety, stress and aggravation for you to spend any time caring what other people choose to do with their lives.

Edited May 17, 2011 by Audrey

[Hikin' Mama]

I understand what you're saying. We've made the same sacrifices. We see the same stuff going on with other people's priorities and lifestyles.

 

The thing is though... I'm old, and I've finally figured out that when it comes to other people's lifestyle choices -- you have to let it go. Be who you are and know that is the right thing for you and your family. What other people choose, what other people have -- these are of no consequence to your life. Hold your judgement in check. It is very likely they are judging you for your choices. Why sink to their level?

 

Truly, it is not worth the anxiety, stress and aggravation for you to spend any time caring what other people choose to do with their lives.

 

Such wise words, Audrey! This is what I am trying to do in my own life.

[msk]

I guess I went off the deep end Monday. I am a feminist, and various things lately in real life have felt like an assault on that.

 

To everyone who was just reporting an isolated incident, and who feels that men AND women who choose to work are good parents until proven otherwise, I apologize for misreading you.

 

To everyone who thinks differently, I will try to be more respectful of your right to believe as you choose.

[ktgrok]

I guess I went off the deep end Monday. I am a feminist, and various things lately in real life have felt like an assault on that.

 

To everyone who was just reporting an isolated incident, and who feels that men AND women who choose to work are good parents until proven otherwise, I apologize for misreading you.

 

To everyone who thinks differently, I will try to be more respectful of your right to believe as you choose.

 

LOL, does it help at all if I clarify that I think my BIL should quit and stay home, rather than my sister? He hates his job, so I figure he should be the stay at home parent. The baby is on formula anyway, so it isn't like mom being home would make things easier that way, and I don't care which parent is home, I just think that with small, sickly babies a stay at home parent is ideal, when it can be afforded.

 

Katie

[Annie Laurie]

I guess I went off the deep end Monday. I am a feminist, and various things lately in real life have felt like an assault on that.

 

To everyone who was just reporting an isolated incident, and who feels that men AND women who choose to work are good parents until proven otherwise, I apologize for misreading you.

 

To everyone who thinks differently, I will try to be more respectful of your right to believe as you choose.

 

As a hsing sahm, I understood and commiserated with the OP, but I understood your post too and think you've been gracious throughout the whole thread.

[Hankins3]

:grouphug: I understand your frustrations... just know that while you do what you can for your niece, your sister and BIL may not change until they have a reason to. You are a great Aunt and sister, and one day, your niece will be so grateful!

[msk]

Thanks, Katie and Nicole. :001_smile:

 

For what it's worth: we pay a family member to take care of our girls part-time, and it is WONDERFUL. She didn't want to be paid at first, but we talked her into it, and I think it was a very good thing; we don't get a build-up of guilt and awkwardness from constantly wondering whether we are taking advantage of her despite what she told us, and she is in a financial situation where the extra income makes a difference. We reassess a couple of times a year and offer to make other arrangements, but so far everyone is happy.

 

That's what I meant to write when I started reading this thread, had various things not conspired to push me over the ranting edge. I'm trying to be careful what threads I open this week...

[Lovemyblessings]

It sounds like you knew their poor spending/lifestyle habits before you offered to watch their child. :001_huh:

[I.Dup.]

Your poor little niece. I feel ill over these "children as possessions" families. I see it at work, and it makes me sick. Your kid is in daycare all day, and then you have a babysitter every night so you can go to the casino with friends?

 

I agree. :banghead::mad::crying:

 

I feel so sad for these children with no parents around to watch out for them. It should be criminal. I'm glad the OP is willing to watch her niece, her niece is innocent in this and shouldn't be punished by having to continue to undergo illnesses and neglect. :(

[Heather in Neverland]

To everyone who was just reporting an isolated incident, and who feels that men AND women who choose to work are good parents until proven otherwise, I apologize for misreading you.

 

:iagree:

 

The thing is though... I'm old, and I've finally figured out that when it comes to other people's lifestyle choices -- you have to let it go. Be who you are and know that is the right thing for you and your family. What other people choose, what other people have -- these are of no consequence to your life. Hold your judgement in check. It is very likely they are judging you for your choices. Why sink to their level?

 

Truly, it is not worth the anxiety, stress and aggravation for you to spend any time caring what other people choose to do with their lives.

 

:iagree:

 

And I would like to point out that SOME of us do not work because we want a boat or new cars. SOME of us work because we WANT to, because we DO find our work fulfilling, because what I do DOES make a difference and because my children see that and are proud of me.

 

I don't own a boat or a new car. In fact, we only have one car and it is 8 years old. My children are VERY well cared for, happy, healthy and have two parents who LOVE what they do on a daily basis.

 

So I do not think having/adopting children was a mistake just because I work outside the home and the idea that because I find my work fulfilling necessarily means I find it MORE fulfilling than raising children is a false dilemma. There are more than just those two options. You CAN love being a mom AND love your career too. And you CAN do both well.

 

It might not work for everyone but it works for us.

[Lolosoli]

You are a very kind sister.

 

She should be paying YOU the same amount she was paying for her daycare.

[OH_Homeschooler]

And I would like to point out that SOME of us do not work because we want a boat or new cars. SOME of us work because we WANT to, because we DO find our work fulfilling, because what I do DOES make a difference and because my children see that and are proud of me.

 

I don't own a boat or a new car. In fact, we only have one car and it is 8 years old. My children are VERY well cared for, happy, healthy and have two parents who LOVE what they do on a daily basis.

 

So I do not think having/adopting children was a mistake just because I work outside the home and the idea that because I find my work fulfilling necessarily means I find it MORE fulfilling than raising children is a false dilemma. There are more than just those two options. You CAN love being a mom AND love your career too. And you CAN do both well.

 

It might not work for everyone but it works for us.

 

:thumbup1:

 

Us homeschoolers are a judgmental group, for a group that is often on the receiving end of such judgment.

[LibraryLover]

:thumbup1:

 

Us homeschoolers are a judgmental group, for a group that is often on the receiving end of such judgment.

 

 

On mothers who have jobs outside the home: I was very proud of my mother's work. I remember busting buttons watching the National Guard come to our home to take her to work during a blizzard because she was 'essential'.