Help me to understand :(

[cajunrose]

My cousin, who is more like my sister, had a baby a year ago. From the begining, it appeared that she didn't have the motherly instinct. She was very very 'by the book'...baby MUST eat at these times, must sleep at these times, etc. I guided her as best I could to try to break her apparent restraints. The baby makes the schedule...etc. She got better. Still...the baby's dad (my cousin's husband of 5 years) was much better with her than my cousin. My cousin was not raised in a stable home. She had pothead alcoholics for parents and they were abusive. We (my mom and dad) tried to help as much as we could, but it was hard. We were 5 hours away.

 

Cutting to the chase....she emailed me yesterday. She left her family. 2 weeks ago (I KNEW something was up but didn't want to pry) she just up and left them. Said he could keep the baby...and left. Said she wasn't in love with her husband anymore and just wasn't happy with her life. I'm absolutely heartbroken....I just don't understand how she could walk away from her daughter. She's perfectly content with weekends...for now. I'm sure that'll fade too as time goes on.

 

The only thing I can figure is that she THOUGHT she wanted the 'perfect life'...husband, 2.5 kids in the suberbs, etc. When she gets all of that, she figures out it isn't for her. It's heartbreaking really. I'm soooooo sad. I'm terrified that I will never see the baby again. I don't even have her husbands phone number or email address.

 

I just needed to vent. My family (mom, dad and brother) don't know yet so I can't talk about it to them yet. *sigh* I'm screaming inside but have to remain silent for now...so I had to get it out somehow.

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug: I don't know, because I don't understand either. But I'm sure, as in so many of these situations, that things are rarely as they appear.. there is more going on there than anyone will ever know.

[Ginevra]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. Some people are selfish and this is the case for your cousin. If I were you, I would do anything possible to connect with the husband. Isn't there bound to be someone who can get in touch with him?

[Gratia271]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I am so sorry for all of you! Maybe she is going through some things and will return to them. This is one of many issues in life that I just cannot comprehend. I have had friends over the years who were not nearly the caretaker/nurturer type that people assume all females are, but they were fortunate to have men who were.

 

I truly hope she returns to them.

[Impish]

It could be PPD, not selfishness.

[Starr]

I am so sorry. Can you visit her when she has the baby and then get the husbands info and start contact? :grouphug:

[Nakia]

Maybe she has a bad case of postpartum depression. It is a very very sad situation, but I actually think she did the right thing for her and the baby. If she cannot handle being a mother, better she walk away than hurt or neglect the baby. I hope your family is able to continue to be a part of the baby's life. Much love and :grouphug:

[OLG]

From what you have written, she sounds like she is struggling with a lot of emotional issues. Her own childhood could be a cause of her present behavior so maybe she needs space and help (probably professional, but pray that she can be guided to that). IF the baby's dad is great with the child, that is such a plus. On the other hand, sad as it may be, some people are just not ready to be parents. All you can do is support them all as best you can.

[Dobela]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. Some people are selfish and this is the case for your cousin. If I were you, I would do anything possible to connect with the husband. Isn't there bound to be someone who can get in touch with him?

I don't know that this is true. She came from an alcoholic home where I seriously doubt she saw an example of a normal family. She didn't see a family on a day to day basis deal with stress and joy and fatigue in any other way than running away. My dh grew up in an alcoholic home and while he hasn't run away and left us, he struggles daily with interpersonal skills, communication, not withdrawing and so on. I guess you could say that dysfunction leads to more dysfunction sometimes.

 

Plus, marriage and parenting is just not an easy thing, even with the best examples.

 

And, some moms just don't bond like we think everyone should. It is sad. For those of us who have bonded well, it hurts.

 

Yes, I think the OP should keep in touch with the dh. Let him know that you still consider him family and you would like to keep in contact with the child.

[Mimm]

That's so sad. All I can say is that she must have been very unhappy, very depressed, and extremely overwhelmed to make such a decision. :( :grouphug:

[cajunrose]

I have though PPD too...and PTSD from her past (she had some nasty stuff happen). I don't know. Ugh. As long as she keeps weekends, I can plan to make a trip while she has the baby on the weekend. I suspect she will let those go after a time though. I will do my best to get her husband's contact info and pray that he lets me continue to see Cate. I'm not very close to him though..I think it might be awkward. I live 4.5 hours away from them so this'll be hard for me to maintain a relationship if she doesn't keep her weekends. I have made 5 trips in the year she has been born. I love that baby.

Try this link and see if you can see this picture:

http://gallery.me.com/cajunrose#100117/Careysfamily%20%288%20of%2012%29

 

That's a pic I took of their family 6 months ago.

[Greenmama2]

Maybe she has a bad case of postpartum depression. It is a very very sad situation, but I actually think she did the right thing for her and the baby. If she cannot handle being a mother, better she walk away than hurt or neglect the baby. I hope your family is able to continue to be a part of the baby's life. Much love and :grouphug:

 

Better still would be that she gets the help she needs if it is PPD.

If I were in your shoes I would be ignoring requests not to share the information and contacting the rest of my family to

a) find out if anyone had the baby's father's contact details and

b) try to get someone closer her to take her to a counselor familiar with PPD issues.

[clarkacademy]

I could never do that but maybe it's a good thing? You wouldn't have wanted her to get abusive after a while of feeling stuck. She was abused she is more likely to become one. I am not saying she is right but she knew enough that it wasn't good for the baby and in the end that may be a better thing.

[Mergath]

Sounds like PPD to me, too. I had severe PPD and PPOCD, to the point where I ended up in the ER, and it completely changes your normal thinking. There's an excellent chance that she might, a few months from now, either get help or recover on her own, and be absolutely heartbroken at leaving her dd the way she did.

[Ginevra]

I don't know that this is true. She came from an alcoholic home where I seriously doubt she saw an example of a normal family. She didn't see a family on a day to day basis deal with stress and joy and fatigue in any other way than running away. My dh grew up in an alcoholic home and while he hasn't run away and left us, he struggles daily with interpersonal skills, communication, not withdrawing and so on. I guess you could say that dysfunction leads to more dysfunction sometimes.

 

Plus, marriage and parenting is just not an easy thing, even with the best examples.

 

And, some moms just don't bond like we think everyone should. It is sad. For those of us who have bonded well, it hurts.

 

Yes, I think the OP should keep in touch with the dh. Let him know that you still consider him family and you would like to keep in contact with the child.

 

I get this, but there is help available. There are not just two options: stay and be a mother or up and leave. Also, unless getting pg was an unexpected surprise they were trying to prevent, there is also the possibility of recognizing in advance that you may not be cut out for motherhood. Abandoning a child and spouse is selfish, even if there are reasons you did not learn good familial skills from your own upbringing.

[cajunrose]

I'm going to give her a week or so (after easter) before I ask her permission to tell my family. My family can be....overbearing.....and I think Carey needs some time to process before the hens come pecking. I have been very supportive of her...not judgmental (to her face....gosh, it's so hard not to be judgmental at all though), etc. I KNOW she needs time to process...time to figure herself out before everybody comes after her with judgment. I really really want to hurt her parents though. I mean really. This is their fault. This is MY parents fault for not taking action when they were kids. We knew that crap was going on. Ugh.

[cajunrose]

For what it's worth...I think she is very selfish also. HOWEVER...if she recognized that she might become neglectful or abusive, she did the best thing by walking away. My husband thinks the baby will be better off in the long run without a resentful parent. I just don't know. I hurt so badly over this that I feel like my cousin has died.

Edited April 19, 2011 by cajunrose

[Impish]

I get this, but there is help available. There are not just two options: stay and be a mother or up and leave. Also, unless getting pg was an unexpected surprise they were trying to prevent, there is also the possibility of recognizing in advance that you may not be cut out for motherhood. Abandoning a child and spouse is selfish, even if there are reasons you did not learn good familial skills from your own upbringing.

Someone with depression *isn't* able to make rational decisions all the time though.

 

She may well be thinking that her dd deserves better than her, that her being a mother would damage her child irrevocably. That's not uncommon thought patterns for someone with PPD/PPP.

 

Assigning fault to anyone isn't going to help anything. Getting her whatever help she needs to be able to do the best she can, regardless of if it means visitation or going back to her family is the best that can be done.

[lisamarie]

It could be PPD, not selfishness.

 

:iagree: I would guess this. I've had it and have known people who had it way worse than me. She probably needs an intervention more than judgement. Plus, if she was working and then became a SAHM after the baby was born, it makes it that much harder. For some people, myself included, the transition to full time motherhood isn't always a smooth one. Throw whacked out hormones on top of that and I was ready to walk out the door on many occasions. I didn't, but I sure wanted to. I had visions of dropping my kids off on my mother's doorstep and never looking back. Praise God I got through that dark period of my life and no one is the worse for wear.

[Denisemomof4]

:grouphug: I don't know, because I don't understand either. But I'm sure, as in so many of these situations, that things are rarely as they appear.. there is more going on there than anyone will ever know.

 

:iagree:

[Ohdanigirl]

Maybe she has a bad case of postpartum depression. It is a very very sad situation, but I actually think she did the right thing for her and the baby. If she cannot handle being a mother, better she walk away than hurt or neglect the baby. I hope your family is able to continue to be a part of the baby's life. Much love and :grouphug:

:iagree: and :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

PPD is very serious, and it s something that should be considered. For some, the huge life changing event of motherhood can be an enormous shock to the system. Often you become more secluded. It can be overwhelming for the best mothers. Not enough time in the day to get anything done. Little to no sleep, and often feeling frumpy and ugly. These are difficult things to deal with and overcome. Imagine if you have PPD on top of all this. If this is the case, she does not just need time, she needs help and support from those around her.

 

HTH

 

Danielle

[lisamarie]

Also, unless getting pg was an unexpected surprise they were trying to prevent, there is also the possibility of recognizing in advance that you may not be cut out for motherhood.

 

Unless you've personally been in this situation, you just don't know. I actively tried to get pregnant with #2. I begged, asked, nagged DH to try for #2. And yet within weeks of getting the BFP, I was NOT happy. I resented the pregnancy almost the entire time. Looking back it's very obvious to me that I had pregnancy induced depression from the start that turned into PPD after she was born. But how would I know I'd end up with crazy depression? I already had a child that I was parenting just fine with no depression issues. Should I have known ahead of time that #2 would throw me over the edge into one of the darkest periods of my life? Were there clues that I wasn't "cut out for motherhood?" Absolutely not. It's hormones. Crazy, horrible, messed up hormones that robbed me of 2 years of my life. When I got pregnant with #3, I made DH promise that he would drag me kicking and screaming to the dr to get meds if I got like that again. Praise God I didn't.

[mom4him]

I think something like this is impossible for a mom that is a natural nurturer to understand. I had a great niece live with us for 2 1/2 yrs. She came to us 5 months pregnant. Her home life as a child had not been stable thus she had many conceptions of 'what was ok for a mom to do' that was so wrong. I worked with her daily from the moment she moved in on what was acceptable and what was not(putting her baby in another room while crying, closing the door and turning her stereo up.:tongue_smilie:) Some thing I worked very hard at simply teaching and then allowing her to make the decission and others like the above mentioned I put my foot down and tell her, "All you have to do is ask for help if you are at the end of your rope. I will be there to help in an instant but this will not happen again in our home."

Long story short, she is married, has 3 more children and for the most part is a good mom. She tells me and others all the time that she learned how to be a mother at our home. The down side is she drinks.. a.. lot.. This is not such a good place for her children to be when she is drinking.

 

I used to think being a good mom was something that God places in us but I have discovered that this is not true. It is something that has to be modeled constantly and if a woman has not had it growing up and doesn't get it somehow with that first child she may be in trouble as a good mom.

[Impish]

Parenting, imo, is a learned skill, just like reading. You aren't born with the knowledge and experience to do everything right.

 

If we were, all children and families would be perfect. :lol:

 

Those who have a negative family history have to work harder in many ways to overcome their experiences, and learn better ways of doing things.

 

Add in hormones on top of that...and yeah, I can see PPD being a huge issue for her.

[Scarlett]

I am curious why so many think it is PPD.

 

Maybe I've been spending too much time on the marriage boards but my first thought was 'she is having an affair'.

[Impish]

For me, the fact that the baby is about a year old, that the mom was rigid in scheduling, unhappy with her life, doesn't love her dh, etc raises the PPD flag. Sounds like she was terrified of doing something wrong, wasn't confident in her abilities. Coupled with her past, I think PPD is something to absolutely be looked into.

 

Yes, she could just be self centred, self absorbed, or having an affair.

 

I'd rather err on the side of grace, and get her whatever she may need to be able to be a part of her dd's life...regardless of if that means fulltime, part time, or what.

[cajunrose]

I am curious why so many think it is PPD.

 

Maybe I've been spending too much time on the marriage boards but my first thought was 'she is having an affair'.

 

Honestly, that was my first thought...AND she moved in with another 'friend' from work..who is male. She ASSURED me that he is just helping her out. I don't know. I don't even really care about that part..it's the whole thing with her leaving the baby that has me heartbroken.

 

I honestly think she is just not cut out for motherhood..and she is realizing it a day late and a dollar short.

[LibraryLover]

So sad for all of them. My feeling is that she didn't harm the baby physically. She didn't strap the child into a carseat and roll it all into a lake. She left the baby with a parent who cares. Men walk away from their families all of the time, and both genders often harm the children when they can't handle it all.

 

Seems she did the least harm possible in such a miserable, terrible emotional siutation.

[Scarlett]

Honestly, that was my first thought...AND she moved in with another 'friend' from work..who is male. She ASSURED me that he is just helping her out. I don't know. I don't even really care about that part..it's the whole thing with her leaving the baby that has me heartbroken.

 

I honestly think she is just not cut out for motherhood..and she is realizing it a day late and a dollar short.

 

Oh, she is DEFINITELY having an affair. And of course she doesn't want your family to know because she rightly feels GUILT and SHAME.

 

Baby may be better off without her...or baby may suffer detachment disorder from being abandoned so early in life by her mother. Hopefully not because as you said the father has been involved heavily since the beginning.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

how hard.

 

in the "shining light in the darkness" approach, not telling your family is unfortunate. things to think about:

a) how would you feel if they had known and didn't tell you?

b) how would you feel if medical intervention could have helped and an awful thing happened that your silence enabled?

c) there are many more, but the gist of it is that silence most often enables dysfunction rather than health and healing.

 

:grouphug:

ann

[Slartibartfast]

She doesn't even know how to have a family. She needs serious help, that is terribly sad.

[Scarlett]

:grouphug:

how hard.

 

in the "shining light in the darkness" approach, not telling your family is unfortunate. things to think about:

a) how would you feel if they had known and didn't tell you?

b) how would you feel if medical intervention could have helped and an awful thing happened that your silence enabled?

c) there are many more, but the gist of it is that silence most often enables dysfunction rather than health and healing.

 

:grouphug:

ann

 

I was going to say something similar.

 

I think that whatever her 'reason' for leaving is (affair or PPD) light of TRUTH should be shined on it. If she is that fragile she needs help! If she is that foggy (from having an affair) then she needs some tough love.

 

It is a character issue. Parents don't leave their babies. And yes I know men do it all the time---and that isn't right either! We don't need equal opportunity bad parenting.

[cajunrose]

I'm only talking about waiting for a few days...It's not my place to tell anybody. If they knew and I didn't? That's fine..it's her business who to tell and who not to. I have been on the other end of it and have respected the fact that the timing wasn't right for me to know.

 

HER family knows and his...just not mine. My mom is terrible at information like that...my mom won't be much help...just a judgmental meddler. I get her not wanting my mom to know.

[Rosie_0801]

I bet baby's dad will be happy to hear from anyone who might help.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

[Scarlett]

I'm only talking about waiting for a few days...It's not my place to tell anybody. If they knew and I didn't? That's fine..it's her business who to tell and who not to. I have been on the other end of it and have respected the fact that the timing wasn't right for me to know.

 

HER family knows and his...just not mine. My mom is terrible at information like that...my mom won't be much help...just a judgmental meddler. I get her not wanting my mom to know.

 

Btw, I hope it didn't sound like I don't feel for you. I do. I know you must be heartbroken thinking about this baby---your own family---being abandoned by her mother.

 

:grouphug:

[ChristusG]

PPD? Depression? Chemical imbalance? I just don't think that a mother can up and leave their child without something about them being "off." She needs help...counseling....meds? She just needs help.

[Ginevra]

I was going to say something similar.

 

I think that whatever her 'reason' for leaving is (affair or PPD) light of TRUTH should be shined on it. If she is that fragile she needs help! If she is that foggy (from having an affair) then she needs some tough love.

 

It is a character issue. Parents don't leave their babies. And yes I know men do it all the time---and that isn't right either! We don't need equal opportunity bad parenting.

 

This is exactly my thought.

 

Also, there is such a thing as rising above having been poorly parented yourself. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's possible. I've also been through depression and I know it messes with your head, but I have also recognized that my head was being messed with and sought help instead of running off. Running off sounded good at one point in my life (or running away from life itself) but dang am I glad I didn't.

[jewellsmommy]

I bet baby's dad will be happy to hear from anyone who might help.

 

:grouphug:

Rosie

 

:iagree: I am sure he would appreciate the support.:grouphug:

[kalanamak]

:grouphug: I don't know, because I don't understand either. But I'm sure, as in so many of these situations, that things are rarely as they appear.. there is more going on there than anyone will ever know.

 

:iagree: But whatever it is, it isn't good. Once upon a time I would have never imagined someone doing this, but when kiddo was little, I was stretched thin and angry. Two nights in a row I drove off to work thinking kiddo, who was 3 months old, and hubby, who wasn't hubby yet, would be better off without me if I was going to behave like that. By the end of our long driveway the second night I knew I had to change jobs. I took a cut in pay and a cut in just about everything else, but it made me see something: what if I didn't have a job change that would "fix" me? What if I felt this way and I was a SAHM. I could put an easy finger on the problem (a rotating schedule of up to 70 hours a week work), but what if I was ... stuck.

 

I'm not saying this woman didn't do this out of selfish reasons, or a hidden drug problem or whatever, but since that night, I have *understood* how someone could leave a baby.

 

(Anyone read Ironwood, or see the movie. I think the old drunk left his family for the same reason.)

[Joanne]

I get this, but there is help available. There are not just two options: stay and be a mother or up and leave. Also, unless getting pg was an unexpected surprise they were trying to prevent, there is also the possibility of recognizing in advance that you may not be cut out for motherhood. Abandoning a child and spouse is selfish, even if there are reasons you did not learn good familial skills from your own upbringing.

 

The nature, and very definition of most mental illness is that an act of "will" does not correct it.

 

There are some behavioral/emotional issues sometimes tied to family of orgin.

 

And there are sometimes *mental ILLNESS* associated with it.

 

I don't know this woman, but I think all the below are possible:

 

1) PPD

2) Post partum psychosis

3) A dissociative disorder

4) a form of OCD, co morbid with depression

 

Coming back to add:

 

5) Substance abuse/addiciton of her own (behavioral, also, including promiscuity). If her parents were addicts, the chances of her being one is much greater.

6) PTST due to childhood abuse.

Edited April 20, 2011 by Joanne

[Audrey]

Haven't read all the responses, but my first thought is "could this be depression, specifically post-partum depression?" If it goes untreated, PPD can be devastating. Most women don't realize they have PPD. Maybe she needs someone to intervene and get her to her doctor for help.

 

ETA: Just read some more and I see that others are pointing this out as well. Is her husband willing to connect with her and try to get her to her doctor for some help? Is there anyone else who might do so?