Murphy101 Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) Question: It sounds like they continued to make this promise even after their conditions changed/they knew things were going south. Is this true? If so, I think they need to at least make good on their promise. (Best if the siblings can help out!) :iagree: dh and I are adamantly anti debt and that is what we just agreed too. I would like to think and pray that my oldest children would step up if they knew our financial situation and be as generous with their sibling as we had been with them. The wedding? I would help as much as I could. To me, I think the dollar amount for the cars/weddings isn't important or even relevant. It's that I made a promise. It's that family helps family. ETA: We are very much NOT in the equal love means exact same expenses and treatment camp. For US, the deciding factor here is that the parents basicly lied to her for a couples years now about being able to get her a used car and now it's time to confess. So either confess and or keep the promise. If this had been a sudden accident last month or something, yeah, plans change honey and we wish we could still do it, but right now we just can't. We hope we can help in any other way or more in the future, but we just can't right now. And in that situation, I'd be on the phone with older siblings asking them to help out if they can, as they can. Let's brain storm ways to have an awesome beautiful inexpensive wedding. Let's pool some funds together for a car. Come on kids, let's pull together for your sister. Edited April 14, 2011 by Martha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Oh and I agree it was a stupid promise to make to begin with. We wouldn't ever make such a statement. But IF we had? We would keep it if possible. And we would tell them as soon as we knew we couldn't. No way we would perpetuate it for a couple years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 If it were me, I would work another 5 years to keep my word. However, if I were the kid, I would probably gently say that I didn't need the car just yet. this. I would keep my promise to my child. Actually I wouldn't have made the promise to begin with, but that's water under the bridge now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mrsajoy Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 That is a tough situation. I would be doing what I could to make sure I would make good on my promise. I would eat red beans and rice for every meal, skip a meal a day, get rid of cable/satellite, get rid of internet, find things I could sale. Bottom line, I would do what ever I had to do to keep good on a promise. If that means I have to get a crappy loan and pay crappy interest, then so be it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I would not go into debt to keep this promise. I would ask each of the other children to contribute something, assuming they did not have to go into debt to do so - the child whose wedding was also paid for should contribute more. The alternate is to rewrite the will to specify a sharing of assets which reflects the uneven assistance given to the children. This needs to be completely discussed with the children now, of course. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 My parents made a similar promise and when it was time for my car they were in a bad financial situation but never told me. My dad traded his truck for my car and took out a loan. He then shared a car with my mom for several months until he saved enough for another used truck. I still have bad feelings about it to this day and wish I had known so I could tell him it was no big deal. When I found out I couldn't really talk to him about it because he felt so bad that he couldn't "provide". I hope if I was in a similar situation I would just explain but I bet I would end up doing just what my dad did. It's tough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Give her the extra money in the will? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Is this family tied in to a church? If so, get the word out. We have given cars away and we have been given a car. You don't get to pick the model but it's a car. If she needs one now, I'd let everyone know. If there is a minimum they can come up with, offer it and see what happens. There are people who just want to get rid of a vehicle that sits in the driveway. Some people have parents pass on and have no use for their cars and can afford NOT to sell it. I'd also be honest with my child and explain that circumstances have changed (not that the daughter has not noticed this) and that it pains me to have to go a different route than promised. Instead of buying something that is too expensive and causes more financial grief, I'd explain to dd that I will be actively helping her in procuring a vehicle that may cost nothing to very little. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reesegirl Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I voted Other. I think that since the parents promised they should do everything they can to save to purchase a car for the daughter. However, I think they could say that right now we are struggling with finances but will their best to get her a car as soon as they are able. Then they could make a plan to save, cut back on expenses, sell some stuff and maybe find a part time job for saving extra money. My dds are all out of highschool and 2 are out of college with one a sophomore this year. We held off getting our kids a car until they really needed it. They all went to lac and lived on campus and had part time jobs on campus. When their classes in their sophomore/junior year demanded field experiences (summmer research for dd1, clinicals at the hospital for dd2 as a nursing major and clinicals for dd3 in physical therapy) we managed to get them cars. Perhaps your friend's daughter could wait a year or so to allow her parents to save up for the car and for a while could get by with public transit or being car-less on her college campus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I would say no way to paying for the wedding as this was never agreed on, and if the kids are decent people they wouldn't expect it given the changed financial circumstances. The car, well it depends how tough it's going to be to pay it off. If it's tricky but do-able, I'd make a point of keeping the promise. But if it's going to mean serious hardship for them, I'd say just explain the situation, apologize and ask to be released from their promise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Won't their college expenses be less if the parents have so little money? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I think I would do what I could to get her a car. Not simply because the older ones got one, but because I had promised it to her repeatedly. I would sit down with her and discuss the different financial situation, and let her know that it wouldn't be easy, but I would try to work with her to get some kind of car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ester Maria Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) This is a tough one. Normally I am not in the "give each child equally to the last dollar" camp, however, I do believe that some sort of equality has to be there. This child is financially neglected compared to older siblings, while at the same time more "qualified" than them to get what was promised to her. On the other hand, getting into debt is the worst option possible. If the option of siblings joining their efforts to get the car cannot work out for whatever reasons, then the mother should do what she can do to get a car, if possible in any way. It is not only about the promise, but also about unequal treatment of children. If it is not possible in any way, then things should be cleared up in the youngest's favor via will, leaving her more than to the rest of the siblings because she was the financially neglected one. The ideal solution, of course, is for the kid to step up herself and say she understands the situation and does not wish a car. However, I do not think anyone should even attempt to indirectly guilt-trip her into doing so. At the end of the day, it is just a car, and things should not be the cause of bitterness or resentment - but it takes a personal maturity to reach that decision. And at the same time, parents' maturity to do everything possible to make things as even as possible. This is one of my worst nightmares: financial situation changing and then not being able to afford to my youngest the lifestyle my older two had. I am sure I would manage to raise a sensitive child without serious resentments and with understanding, however, it would just totally kill me inside to know what she was missing. Sigh. Life is tough. :( Edited April 14, 2011 by Ester Maria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 It just isn't a reasonable risk to expect an older parent to take. There is much more at stake than a car for them - it's their financial future. ...I agree! I agree. An apology for not planning better and not being honest about their financial situation is in order. ...Yes, and there's a lesson for the daughter too, one that many Americans are just now learning. Job security only goes so far, financial security only goes so far. Things happen, life takes a turn and then you have to adjust to your new circumstances. I diverge here. I think that if they have been loving, attentive parents who have made the best decisions that they knew how to make, that they have already done what they could to launch her into adulthood. The rest is up to her - she's an adult now. Any future financial support is icing on the cake. I agree! I must say that my answers are very different now than they would have been xxx years ago when I was finishing high school. I don't think I would have seen the parents point of view quite so much. Time and maturity will lend perspective, however. My answer is colored by my age too. As a teen it would bother me, the older I get the more I understand, the more I would be embarassed to have been upset in the first place. My parents made a similar promise and when it was time for my car they were in a bad financial situation but never told me. My dad traded his truck for my car and took out a loan. He then shared a car with my mom for several months until he saved enough for another used truck. I still have bad feelings about it to this day and wish I had known so I could tell him it was no big deal. When I found out I couldn't really talk to him about it because he felt so bad that he couldn't "provide". I hope if I was in a similar situation I would just explain but I bet I would end up doing just what my dad did. It's tough. My parents feel guilt to this day for not giving my brother what my sister had, me what my brother had (iow, things got progressively worse for them). Their guilt makes me feel sick. I didn't think I was a big whiner. I didn't care (honestly). Things were hard, but I understood that and except for some complaints about food (hey, we're all human), I sucked it up about clothes, cars and stuff in general. I would not want to be the reason my mother had to work for another five to ten years. I would not want to be the reason my parents were further in debt. That's a lot to put on a person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 The parents should not put themselves at risk of being homeless if the situation is truly dire, but the dd deserves a humble, sincere apology (far more than "sorry, plans changed). If it were a matter of working longer/doing with less, I would likely go into debt to keep my word. I wouldn't expect the dd to necessarily connect all the dots and see for herself that it isn't possible/practical - - why should we expect more from the child than the parents, who haven't been seeing the situation clearly themselves? If the car was promised repeatedly even after things went south, the daughter may well have assumed that money was set aside for it. If the car is simply impossible, I would try to offer help whenever possible on a more ongoing basis, or help in the future. I would look for different ways to help if cash isn't possible. If I were the dd, I know that honesty and contrition would go a long way towards helping me accept the situation. An "oh, well" sort of attitude would make it difficult to be gracious. The parents have made a pretty big mistake here, imo. As another poster has said, the bad finances may equal more financial aid; have they explored this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HistoryMom Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 At this point... I voted Other. I think that since the parents promised they should do everything they can to save to purchase a car for the daughter. However, I think they could say that right now we are struggling with finances but will their best to get her a car as soon as they are able. Then they could make a plan to save, cut back on expenses, sell some stuff and maybe find a part time job for saving extra money. ... Perhaps your friend's daughter could wait a year or so to allow her parents to save up for the car and for a while could get by with public transit or being car-less on her college campus. A car in college is a luxury and a distraction anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 A car in college is a luxury and a distraction anyway. Maybe, maybe not. If she's living on campus with a work-study job, sure. If she's trying to help pay her own college expenses by holding down an off-campus job, living off-campus with roommates, etc., then a car could be hugely important. Time spent waiting for public transportation is time not spent studying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Merry Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 We are in a similar situation as the friend's parents. My dh had to retire early due to his disability and we've struggled over the years while graduating the first four kids. We foolishly borrowed money to help them with cars and now we are really, truly, struggling to pay off our bills. My dh is 68 years old and he is considering having to go back to work to pay off our bills. My children, if they knew what would the results be, would not have wanted us to go into debt to help them. We should have tried harder to find other ways to help them get their cars or whatever but by not going into debt, we would have been in a much better position to take care of ourselves without our children having to worry about taking care of us in the future. Peace of mind is priceless compared to having a car. I'm sure that the daughter would understand about the change in her parents's circumstances and if she and they would sit down together and talk over ways they can get a car or something, they will come up with something without the parents having to go into debt. Maybe the daughter can postpone school one semester and go to work to buy a car? My son had to do that this spring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I think the other 3 siblings should graciously chip in $1,000 each (or the greatest amount financially feasible). They each got their 3K they were promised, and have grown up and moved on. This would be a way of thanking their parents for their financial backing when the children needed it and the parents were in a position to offer the help by in turn helping their parents to avoid further debt in their time of need, while providing their youngest sibling with the same "leg up" they received. I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 We are in a similar situation as the friend's parents. My dh had to retire early due to his disability and we've struggled over the years while graduating the first four kids. We foolishly borrowed money to help them with cars and now we are really, truly, struggling to pay off our bills. My dh is 68 years old and he is considering having to go back to work to pay off our bills. My children, if they knew what would the results be, would not have wanted us to go into debt to help them. We should have tried harder to find other ways to help them get their cars or whatever but by not going into debt, we would have been in a much better position to take care of ourselves without our children having to worry about taking care of us in the future. Peace of mind is priceless compared to having a car. I'm sure that the daughter would understand about the change in her parents's circumstances and if she and they would sit down together and talk over ways they can get a car or something, they will come up with something without the parents having to go into debt. Maybe the daughter can postpone school one semester and go to work to buy a car? My son had to do that this spring. :grouphug::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I haven't read all of the responses and I don't know what advice to offer at this point. The thing I do know is that it just makes me sick that these promises were made at all. Was there not even an, "If at all possible" statement added to these promises? It seems we all step into these blundering mistakes at one time or another. Now the only choice is to go back on the promise made (and thus your word and your honor) or to set the example of going into debt when you clearly can't afford it. Two terrible choices. How very sad. I did find these two verses if they are Christians... It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay Ecclesiastes 5:5 Proverbs 19:1 Better is the poor that walketh in his integrity, than he that is perverse in his lips, and is a fool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edithcrawley Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I think the parents should get the car, they promised it for years, and it isn't as if their financial situation changed all of a sudden. I also don't think they should try and guilt trip the older children into helping get the car, because it isn't their money to spend. The parents just need to continue working and fulfill the promises that they made to the kid. If that means that the mom is working for another 5-10 years, so be it, they made that choice years ago when they promised the cars to the kids, and when the mom didn't continue her education and is stuck doing minimum wage type of jobs. The parents shouldn't punish the kid for their own lack of planning. As far as wedding expenses, that will probably not occur for another few years. Their daughter may be in a serious relationship now, but that could change relatively quickly (says the girl who's about to marry her high school sweetheart). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HistoryMom Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Maybe, maybe not. If she's living on campus with a work-study job, sure. If she's trying to help pay her own college expenses by holding down an off-campus job, living off-campus with roommates, etc., then a car could be hugely important. Time spent waiting for public transportation is time not spent studying. True, there are always exceptions based on conditions on the ground. I'd argue, though, that in that situation she could work around it by living and working within biking/busing distance for the first year until her parents could make good on that promise. In the balance, I don't think her desire for a college car outweighs her parents' need to not acquire a debt they can't afford. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I voted "other," and I'll say upfront that I have no sympathy for this situation. Never make promises you can't keep. It doesn't matter that situations changed. I would never have promised a car for grades and graduation. Actually.... that's more like a bribe or something... but I digress. Now that they can't keep the promise, I think they should suck it up and tell the kid honestly why they can't. The kid will probably feel slighted and hurt, and if she feels like throwing a whole load of guilt back on the parents for that, well... I guess that'll be the cost of breaking a promise you shouldn't have made in the first place. They shouldn't go into further debt for this either. That's just compounding the problem. Chalk it up to lessons learned in the school of hard knocks. Yep :iagree::iagree::iagree: Why in the world did they keep promising this over the last two years as their situation worsened? They should have been using that time to gently prepare her that they may not be able to do for her what they did for her siblings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 At this point... A car in college is a luxury and a distraction anyway. At many colleges it's the difference between safety and no safety for young women. Sad but true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Puma Mom Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 I think the other 3 siblings should graciously chip in $1,000 each (or the greatest amount financially feasible). They each got their 3K they were promised, and have grown up and moved on. This would be a way of thanking their parents for their financial backing when the children needed it and the parents were in a position to offer the help by in turn helping their parents to avoid further debt in their time of need, while providing their youngest sibling with the same "leg up" they received. I agree with this, although we'd probably have a family meeting where we laid it all out and asked for ideas and suggestions about how to handle it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 This won't be popular... but I'd probably take out a loan and buy her a used car. :iagree:This is what I would do if at all possible. The wedding? Sounds like it is a ways off and I would let her know that she may be pretty much on her own. My oldest dd got married 1 1/2 yrs ago and I don't think the whole thing cost more than $300. It was very small, no fancy clothes, held in our home, etc. They got married, are happy and no one went into dept for it. JMO:001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Why in the world did they keep promising this over the last two years as their situation worsened? They should have been using that time to gently prepare her that they may not be able to do for her what they did for her siblings. I can sort of understand how that might have happened. For one thing, they may have been hiding their financial situation even from themselves, unable to admit that things weren't going to pick up and somehow hoping, with no justification, that something would come up so that they could make good on their promise. They may have felt that as long as they kept on saying they'd buy the car, they hadn't admitted failure and were still fighting to keep up their old lifestyle/income. Or they may have just not been able to bear the thought of disappointing their daughter. They may have kept on promising the car, not as a mindful and realistic undertaking, but as a kind of mantra to express how much they care about her and are proud of her and wish they could buy her a car. Of course it was still a huge mistake. But not an incomprehensible one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I think the other 3 siblings should graciously chip in $1,000 each (or the greatest amount financially feasible). They each got their 3K they were promised, and have grown up and moved on. This would be a way of thanking their parents for their financial backing when the children needed it and the parents were in a position to offer the help by in turn helping their parents to avoid further debt in their time of need, while providing their youngest sibling with the same "leg up" they received. :iagree:I know my mom struggled financially when I was growing up, and that she still does. Whenever we can, DH & I try to pitch in to help my younger brother be able to have some of the luxuries that his older siblings missed out on. If it were me, I would work another 5 years to keep my word. However, if I were the kid, I would probably gently say that I didn't need the car just yet. :iagree:Kids aren't stupid-- especially this one, it would seem. She must have an idea that they're struggling. While mom should make every effort to try to fulfill their ongoing promise to her, most kids would understand and, at the very least, let her parents know that the car can wait for now. I think they should ask the siblings to chip in a little bit (maybe not $1000), but may a few $100 - especially the oldest who got both a car, wedding and is probably more settle in job/life. I would have mom try to get a job. I would cut costs (in case they are still living like they have a larger income). Then come up with a budget for the car. Then all talk together and shop together. Parent take out a modest loan for a car if necessary. If #4 gets a job, then helps pay back loan if possible. I would think that, at 30 or close to it, the oldest is probably more financially stable at this point. If I were the mom, I would probably mention it to her, at least. But my family is like that. We all try to help out the people who need it in our family whenever we can-- you never know when you'll be the one who needs the hand. (Also-- our general policy is that you never loan out more than you can afford not to get back. While we know that our relatives will pay back as much as they can, as soon as they can... Life Happens. When DS was an infant, I asked my stepmom to borrow money for diapers a couple of times-- Once she laughed at me & told me not to ask to borrow the money, because she knew we were in no position to pay it back at that point.) That would NEVER fly in DH's family, though. They just don't deal with money like that. They're very much of the idea that each person will sink or swim on their own. Different family dynamics make this a very difficult question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I voted "none, sorry kid," but it would KILL me and I know I'd be crying as I apologized profusely. Any kid should understand that circumstances have changed. As the parent, I'd also try my hardest to make up for it in some way, financial or not, to make things more fair. That's a tough one. I feel bad for the parents AND the child. It's probably going to be harder on the parents, should they choose to do nothing.:sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoPlaceLikeHome Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Can they make it up in other ways such as giving her more things in a will or currently such as treasured family pieces? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZeldaRules Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 I'm #7 of 7 kids. I am the 3rd girl. My mom made the wedding cakes for my sisters, and I know they paid for portions of my sister's wedding. However, my husband's family had 3 boys and were much better off than my parents. The wedding payment responsibilities were pretty much reversed for our wedding. His parents paid for 90% and mine (actually my brother) paid for the other 10%. So maybe the parents of the guy she marries will pay for the majority of the wedding. I wouldn't worry about it until it comes around. As for the car and asking the other siblings to chip in, I know I didn't have an extra $1000 laying around for a few years after college. I don't think the other siblings should be asked to do that as it was a promise from the parents, not the siblings. Maybe the parents can just co-sign a loan for the child to get a car. Is she going to a college where she HAS to have a car? I didn't get a car until I was 21. I was able to walk everywhere and was able to do without a car. Good luck to this family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Can they make it up in other ways such as giving her more things in a will or currently such as treasured family pieces? Only if they are okay with her selling it to buy a car. Seriously. If she needs a car now and was expecting them to help her with it, then unless they would be okay selling the family whatever or cash in whatever life insurance to help pay for a car now, then I don't see the point at all.:confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Its a lousy situation for all involved. That being said, a car just isn't a neccesity. If she's going to college, I've never heard of a college area that isn't fully supported by transit. Far better to have a roof and food on the table than a car, and it sounds as though the parents are in that situation. Nobody plans on becoming disabled. I sure as heck didn't. I've been dealing with it for almost 3 yrs, and I *still* have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that this isn't going away. I can totally understand how someone can hope for years that things will somehow change and improve and then they'll be able to do what they planned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Koerarmoca Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Firstly I have never made these types of promises to my kids and I think that with the way the economy is going its a good thing. I had to work to earn everything in my life. If I had made these promises and made good on these promises for 3 out of 4 kids. I would sell anything I could and reduce my bills any way possible to at least give them some money to put toward a car. I would get rid of tv's, dvd players etc. those are not a necessity and making good on my word would be more important to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Yes a car is often a necessity. There are FIVE colleges/universities in my town and our transit system is useless, unreliable and expensive. There is no way you can hold down a job if you are relying on public transit here. In fact, I can't think of any university within 500 miles that a student wouldn't need a car even if they lived at the dorm. Doubly so if they need to work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BabyBre Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Should the parents add debt, to make good on the car promise, even though they know they will have to pay it off VERY slowly, at a high-ish interest rate? Should they pay for both the car and wedding even it means putting it on a credit card? Should they tell the child, sorry, but we didn't expect this financial situation, and can't help you with a car after all? (or wedding or other expenses like you siblings) Other? Very foolish to make big promises to four children and not plan ahead to fullfill those promises. By the time each was ready to graduate, mom and dad should have had the money saved up and ready to reward them as they'd always said they would. Would also be very foolish to put a car or a wedding on a credit card, but especially when they're already in a financially challenging situation. Dd has to miss out and mom and dad have to own up. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Yes a car is often a necessity. There are FIVE colleges/universities in my town and our transit system is useless, unreliable and expensive. There is no way you can hold down a job if you are relying on public transit here. In fact, I can't think of any university within 500 miles that a student wouldn't need a car even if they lived at the dorm. Doubly so if they need to work. :iagree:EVery single job interview my college son has had, in the interview he is asked "Do you have access to a car to get to work on any shift you might be assigned?". Not always the same words... but you get the point. On campus jobs are not plentiful, and most are only for those with demonstrated financial need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 Should they tell the child, sorry, but we didn't expect this financial situation, and can't help you with a car after all? (or wedding or other expenses like you siblings) Yep. Partially for this reason I will never promise my kids anything large. But regardless, the child in question should understand that things are different financially and that's the way it is. Maybe somewhere in the future the parents will be able to help, but life is what it is and a mature person would not expect his or her parents to go into debt that they can't afford so the child can have a car. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sara R Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) I would think that, at 30 or close to it, the oldest is probably more financially stable at this point. I don't know, that depends on so many things. When I was 30, I was way more financially strapped than I was at 18. DH & I had three kids and we were trying to get by on a single low income. Yes, they've had time to get established in a career, maybe, but they probably also have a lot more responsibilities. At this point, it sounds like the 18-year-old herself would have the best opportunity of working to earn the money for the car. It's very sad, but the parents sound like they have way bigger financial worries to think about at this point (how they will be able to afford their retirement, future health problems, etc.) The 18-year-old's hourly wage potential is probably about the same as the mom's. My parents had more money when my younger siblings got married than they did when I got married. My younger sister had a fancier wedding than me. So what? I know they love both of us, and the difference wasn't anything that they did on purpose. And it's not like I didn't have a nice wedding. I would hope my child understands that life is unpredictable, and your desire was to provide equally, but the disability has changed circumstances and you just can't. I agree that the promise was unwise, but I would hope that a decent well-raised child would try to understand. Edited April 17, 2011 by Sara R Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 (edited) I haven't read the replies. This is why I don't think parents should promise anything such as this to kids. I do not ever make a big deal out of what I'm doing to benefit any child or make promises that each child can have the same perk. Things change and what was possible at one time may not be possible at a later point. I would not ever adopt a debt just because I was able to do XYZ for an older child. ETA: I just wanted to add that I was the 3rd of 5 kids. My first two sisters had the use of a car, but one wrecked the car when I was about the turn 16. My parents could not afford to replace the (paid-for) car, so I had no car to drive until I bought my own at 19. They also paid virtually nothing for my wedding; dh and I paid for our wedding. If the situation calls for that, then it does. It's sad but that's life. Edited April 17, 2011 by Quill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paisley Hedgehog Posted April 17, 2011 Share Posted April 17, 2011 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 (edited) nm. Old posts are showing up to me as new. Edited February 16, 2012 by Lisbeth weirdness! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I think the other 3 siblings should graciously chip in $1,000 each (or the greatest amount financially feasible). They each got their 3K they were promised, and have grown up and moved on. This would be a way of thanking their parents for their financial backing when the children needed it and the parents were in a position to offer the help by in turn helping their parents to avoid further debt in their time of need, while providing their youngest sibling with the same "leg up" they received. I so agree!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ciyates Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I didn't read the other post so here goes...NO!!!!! There is 5 years between me and my sister (I am the oldest). When I graduated my parents didn't have two dimes to rub together, I didn't get a car and they didn't help with my wedding. They couldn't! When my sister hit that age their situation was different. They didn't a lot more for her than me. So what???? It would really surprise me if this young adult wanted her parents to go into a debt so that things were fair financial between her and her siblings. Regardless of the promises made this is a family not a business deal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I disagree. If they truly wanted to make good, for the one kid who (it sounds like) was a very good student and is very mature, they could. It is not impossible for Mom to find a job. They could sell things to raise cash. There must be a way. It's wrong for them to renege on this commitment, particularly since it's clear that they helped out their other three kids. If they do, they lay the framework for future dysfunction and resentment. If they give themselves an out, they set a poor example for their kids. Nothing is impossible, and they should figure it out. Sorry, my opinion may be unpopular, but breaking this kind of promise is just plain wrong, sets a bad example, and will reverberate down the years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 Sorry, this is life. And, ftr, objects of such price should NEVER be promised that far in advanced. If you can't pay for it that year, then don't promise it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I think the other 3 siblings should graciously chip in $1,000 each (or the greatest amount financially feasible). They each got their 3K they were promised, and have grown up and moved on. This would be a way of thanking their parents for their financial backing when the children needed it and the parents were in a position to offer the help by in turn helping their parents to avoid further debt in their time of need, while providing their youngest sibling with the same "leg up" they received. This would be a wonderful thing! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 I didn't read the other post so here goes...NO!!!!! There is 5 years between me and my sister (I am the oldest). When I graduated my parents didn't have two dimes to rub together, I didn't get a car and they didn't help with my wedding. They couldn't! When my sister hit that age their situation was different. They didn't a lot more for her than me. So what???? It would really surprise me if this young adult wanted her parents to go into a debt so that things were fair financial between her and her siblings. Regardless of the promises made this is a family not a business deal. Yep, same thing happened with me. Kid brother got it all. Partly because he was younger and parents were better off financially. Partly because he was the actual "blood" child of my adopted/step dad. College, apartment, vehicles, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdie Posted February 16, 2012 Share Posted February 16, 2012 (edited) Never mind. I just realized that this is an old post. Edited February 16, 2012 by Ferdie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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