Who was rude? Ds or Hostess? Or Both?

[Ellie]

I would have been unhappy with my child.

 

I would have been slightly embarrassed that the hostess felt the need to do what I would have done had I been paying attention. Whether the hostess was rude or not, I wouldn't consider my place to presume. I only need to teach my own child manners.

 

My kids know better than to be first in line. They also know better than to take more than one scoop or one slice of anything on the buffet the first time around. I don't care if they are starving. They know I'll feed them more later if there is not enough food to go around.

 

I'm willing to acknowledge though that families all have different traditions. As a preacher's kid it was drilled in me not to first in line at the church potluck & not to act like a starving street urchin (LOL) so I guess that has carried through to our own children.

:iagree:

[Sebastian (a lady)]

At that point, I taught my own children to not take too much when we are at someone's home and that if they were still hungry, we would get something on the way home. I wouldn't worry about who had the bad manners and just take it as a learning lesson. :)

 

:iagree: particularly with bolded. I don't think that it is a matter of fixing blame on either the hostess or your son. It may be appropriate to teach your almost a teen son how to be a courteous guest in all kinds of settings.

 

For a few years, we were in a position to be hosting and attending as guests a number of official functions. Some were sumptous affairs in downtown hotels. Others were dinners prepared and served by household or official staff. Still others were hand prepared by the hostess.

 

Just as a hostess has an obligation to make her guests feel welcome, a guest has obligations of courtesy. It is a happy affair where everyone leaves sated, having had a wonderful time. But quite often, someone will be stressed or stretched. Even though the hostess shouldn't have made the young man feel publicly embarrassed, she might have thought that she was handling it kindly. Hostessing a large even is tiring and requires juggling a lot of details. I think that some grace can be extended.

 

FWIW, I have been to a lot of scout banquets and church potlucks where the children and young men RACE to the banquet tables and then jostle and shove each other (and anyone else nearby) to grab their share. Not saying that this is at all what the OP's son was doing. Just mentioning it to point out that it isn't a safe assumption that a young man will show self-restraint in helping himself in a setting like this.

 

FWIW #2, there were many official functions where dh and I returned home and popped in a frozen pizza, because the focus of an event had been getting people together, with drinks and hors d'oevres rather than a full meal.

[SailorMom]

If the dinner had been a public event, or a fundraiser, then maybe your son should have not gotten in front - be we are talking about a FAMILY dinner here.... why can't he be in front? OK - maybe he should have let Grandma go first, but he's 11 and was hungry and was surrounded by FAMILY.

As for taking 3 peices, I think the hostess was very rude. There is no reason she couldn't have quietly said , "hey, next time only take one and wait for everyone else to have a shot at it first". I don't know why being under 18 makes it ok for someone to be rude to you.

[MSNative]

I have 3 teenage sons. They (and my 6'5" dh) can eat more in one sitting than I would have imagined anyone could! :001_huh:

 

With that in mind, I have taught *all* of my dc that they are absolutely *not*ever* to serve themselves before other people. If need be, my ds's have offered to serve their grandmas or aunts, or escort them to the front of the line. It's part of our faith tradition to serve others before ourselves, and I taught them that from the beginning. It's no different than them holding a door for someone else rather than going through and letting it close on the person behind them.

 

It's also been necessary for me to remind them over the years that they are *not* to take more than a minimal serving of a main dish and a couple of sides. If there's more food at the end, and it's clear that the hostess would welcome people taking seconds, then they may take more. I've explained to my dc that if they are so hungry that they think they might be unable to serve others first, that they should have a snack beforehand, because the purpose of a shared meal is more about the fellowship than the food.

 

So...I guess that's my long way of saying that it's important to me to teach children to put others first, honoring and serving whenever they can. Had I been at the meal, (I'm sorry) but it would have passed through my mind that your ds was being rude, and pretty selfish. I would be okay with an auntie correcting my dc, though I would have wished it to be less public. I'd explain to my dc that I had made a mistake in not teaching them about the buffet thing earlier, and tell them what other people may expect in that situation. I'd also ignore my unhappiness with the aunt, forget what happened, and do my best to let the whole thing go.

 

Still, I'm sorry that whole thing happened to you and your ds, and also the aunt. She must have been under some stress, and perhaps you can use that fact to help get past her overreaction. :grouphug:

 

What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. I will be sharing this with my boys.

 

 

Defending the meatloaf!! :lol::lol::lol: I love it. However, please warn a girl before you go on posting things like that. I expect to spew coffee while reading the forum game thread - not this one. Take pity on my poor computer. :)

[mrsrevmeg]

But who IS supposed to go first, if going first is considered rude?

 

.

 

I agree with this. People are insinuating that the OP's son was rude by being first in line. How is that rude? My grandmother was raised where adults ate first, children got what was left. She remembered what that was like, so she in turn served the children first. That is what our family still does. By "children" I mean 16-ish and below are the first in line. No one in our family thinks the first kid in line rude, just based on being first in line. FWIW, I had the same thing done to me. I was around 11 or 12. My grandmother, mother and I were visiting my grandmother's sisters one summer. One of her sisters told me I had too much food on my plate. (Like 2T of hamburger helper) My grandmother said told her I was a growing child and needed my food. (She then proceeded to fill my plate and whispered to me I had better eat it all) We never visited with that aunt again. She was welcome to come to my grandmother's house. Sometimes older people are just rude, especially to children.

[Garga]

This reminds me of a dumb mistake a woman and I made at our church.

 

A number of people at church worked at a homeless shelter for awhile. The homeless shelter had about 20 men who lived there semi-permanently while they were getting back on their feet. We wanted to make a nice dinner for them one day, so we made a buffet dinner.

 

Even though these guys were not out on the street all day and were fed plenty of food, it's still NOT a good idea to serve a buffet to people who were just one step away from homelessness. The first few guys in line PILED up the food and the last couple of guys had almost nothing left to eat.

[LidiyaDawn]

In our family 1 slice of meatloaf is a normal amount. So if we saw someone taking 3 slices, it would appear that was excessive.

 

Here, 2 or 3 slices would be normal... do you cut your meatloaf differently, I wonder? Or I do it wrong? :laugh: Mine is sliced thin like you'd slice a roast or something - it's cooked in a rectangular loaf pan. One slice would be like.. 3 or 4 bites, tops.

[Julie in CA]

Here, 2 or 3 slices would be normal... do you cut your meatloaf differently, I wonder? Or I do it wrong? :laugh: Mine is sliced thin like you'd slice a roast or something - it's cooked in a rectangular loaf pan. One slice would be like.. 3 or 4 bites, tops.

Wrong is in the eye of the beholder, no? :D

I slice meatloaf similarly to what I've seen it sliced in a restaurant, maybe 3/4" thick?

 

Something like this:

http://www.firehow.com/200912216337/how-to-make-meatloaf-with-no-recipe.html

 

I'm probably a crummy meatloaf maker, because I don't think mine would hold together if I sliced it as thin as I'd slice roast beef. :001_huh:

[cin]

I think the aunt was rude. But I also know families where, like some pp said, the village mentality is used. EVERYBODY helps raise the kids. But even then, I would expect her to do it discreetly.

 

IF your son is a typical hungry growing boy, maybe stop at McDonald's before you get to a buffet. :001_smile:

 

I do that with my kids, because oldest dd has sensory issues which include food. If she eats the hamburger (no bun, of course!) then I know she won't starve before we leave. (Because we can always find a dessert she'll eat!)

[LidiyaDawn]

Wrong is in the eye of the beholder, no? :D

I slice meatloaf similarly to what I've seen it sliced in a restaurant, maybe 3/4" thick?

 

Something like this:

http://www.firehow.com/200912216337/how-to-make-meatloaf-with-no-recipe.html

 

I'm probably a crummy meatloaf maker, because I don't think mine would hold together if I sliced it as thin as I'd slice roast beef. :001_huh:

 

Mine looks more like this one a bit thinner maybe than yours....except not made with the fancy mustards in the background!

 

Dh and the kids eat meat, but I actually don't - so I really haven't much of any idea what's "normal" for meat beyond what they eat. The kids don't like all that many kinds; if it used to walk around and make animal noises of any sort, dh will devour it. Meatloaf, however, they all love and 2-3 slices would be normal on their plates........ maybe I've raised meatloaf piggies. :p

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I didn't read all 12 pages of comments, but I just had to add my opinion. Has this aunt ever met an 11 yr. old boy before? They are super hungry and socially clueless for the most part. :lol: Of course your son would take a big hunk of meat! Why embarrass him in front of everyone? She was the rude one in this case. I would probably have admonished my son once he returned to the table and said to him privately that he shouldn't take so much on his first pass through the line when there are others still to eat. Not make a big deal of it, but just raise his awareness that there are others to consider.

[LibraryLover]

I think the hostess was rude. You do not insult guests. If she felt a need to say anything at all, she could have been rude quietly. ;) I do remind my (younger) children to be mindful of portion size at times like these. I also would not have allowed my child to go in line ahead of elderly adults, or, in some cases, a young man (depending on level of patience and maturirty) before older women/aunties. (Although some folks do like to serve the children first. Then I would be fine with it.)

Edited March 28, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Julie in CA]

Mine looks more like this one a bit thinner maybe than yours....except not made with the fancy mustards in the background!

 

Dh and the kids eat meat, but I actually don't - so I really haven't much of any idea what's "normal" for meat beyond what they eat. The kids don't like all that many kinds; if it used to walk around and make animal noises of any sort, dh will devour it. Meatloaf, however, they all love and 2-3 slices would be normal on their plates........ maybe I've raised meatloaf piggies. :p

:lol:

[Ginevra]

I think the aunt was rude. But I also know families where, like some pp said, the village mentality is used. EVERYBODY helps raise the kids. But even then, I would expect her to do it discreetly.

 

To some degree, I don't mind that; among the other family members, there's plenty of "parenting" of the other kids. It's not unusual, for example, for one of my SIL's to tell all the little boys to quit wrestling, stop screaming, etc. It would have been nice, though, if she hadn't made a public display out of correcting ds.

 

IF your son is a typical hungry growing boy, maybe stop at McDonald's before you get to a buffet. :001_smile:

 

Here's a funny: when my sister hosts a dinner, I tell everyone to eat something before we leave. She is so incredibly slow and not time-conscious that sometimes the meal has been two hours after arrival time. My kids are ravenous by then. I've learned not to come hungry.

[LidiyaDawn]

It would have been nice, though, if she hadn't made a public display out of correcting ds.

 

 

This is really key here, I think. Most of the time, I wouldn't mind if family members corrected our kids - but I WOULD mind if they did it in a way that embarrassed that child in public. :glare:

[FriedClams]

I have 3 teenage sons. They (and my 6'5" dh) can eat more in one sitting than I would have imagined anyone could! :001_huh:

 

With that in mind, I have taught *all* of my dc that they are absolutely *not*ever* to serve themselves before other people. If need be, my ds's have offered to serve their grandmas or aunts, or escort them to the front of the line. It's part of our faith tradition to serve others before ourselves, and I taught them that from the beginning. It's no different than them holding a door for someone else rather than going through and letting it close on the person behind them.

 

It's also been necessary for me to remind them over the years that they are *not* to take more than a minimal serving of a main dish and a couple of sides. If there's more food at the end, and it's clear that the hostess would welcome people taking seconds, then they may take more. I've explained to my dc that if they are so hungry that they think they might be unable to serve others first, that they should have a snack beforehand, because the purpose of a shared meal is more about the fellowship than the food.

 

So...I guess that's my long way of saying that it's important to me to teach children to put others first, honoring and serving whenever they can. Had I been at the meal, (I'm sorry) but it would have passed through my mind that your ds was being rude, and pretty selfish. I would be okay with an auntie correcting my dc, though I would have wished it to be less public. I'd explain to my dc that I had made a mistake in not teaching them about the buffet thing earlier, and tell them what other people may expect in that situation. I'd also ignore my unhappiness with the aunt, forget what happened, and do my best to let the whole thing go.

 

Still, I'm sorry that whole thing happened to you and your ds, and also the aunt. She must have been under some stress, and perhaps you can use that fact to help get past her overreaction. :grouphug:

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

I just asked my kids (8 and 9) about church potlucks. We have them monthly. In my house a large family dinner would be the same....

 

When do you get in line? "Last. But first see if there is somewhere you can serve - like getting cups and drinks ready."

How many servings of meat can you have? "1, 2 if it's really small."

How many desserts? "Two, unless it's big and then one."

 

Kids are kids. They are clueless and selfish. Mine respond the way they do because they've been trained since birth on this scenario. We brief it. We practice it. I think with a little training and practice most get it. The DS in the scenario needs a little training. The Aunt needs A LOT.

 

I will also add a potluck pet peeve - WHEN NO ONE WILL GO FIRST!! Ugh. That's so irritating to me. When the ladies are asked to go first - go already. The false modesty is annoying.

 

OK. I am done. Though with all this talk of potluck I am DYING for a jello salad!!

[Negin]

Hostess=rude

Son=11

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Having read every single response to this very interesting thread, I have to fully agree. This was my initial reaction after reading the OP, also, but you have said it much better than me. :D

[Lovin Learnin]

As the hostess of almost ALL family events with my side of the family I do try to gauge the amount of food I buy so that all are satisfied but there is little left over that may eventually get thrown away. My family is large. I don't count little ones as "whole people" when thinking of how many plates to fill, but by the same token I count the teenage boys as 1 1/2. Nothing frustrates me more than the two family members who pile their preschooler's plates with the same amount as a grown man would take. The little ones never eat that much food and once it hits their plates it goes into the garbage if uneaten. :angry:

 

All this to say that I do ask my sons and my nephews (all in their late teens) to be the last in line. They are then free to fill their plates as they please since everyone else has already gotten something. I do not think your son was out of line and took too much food but perhaps this is the time to teach him to just wait until most others have gone before him. His appetite will only increase as he gets older and an appropriate amount of food for his needs will start to look like a lot of food to others. Well, it will be a lot of food. Bottomless pits, those teenage boys.

 

But your aunt was rude.

Edited March 28, 2011 by Lovin Learnin

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

My opinion is that you don't embarrass guests. FOR SHAME! Your son will/might be embarrassed long after that 3rd piece of meat doesn't matter. (And who said 3 is greedy, but not 2?? what's the rule??)

 

Adults should remember that it's hard to be 11 and you don't need to be a not to them. Seriously, as an adult, I think I might offer my whole plate to the hostess and kinda... just say "I'll eat later, no problem.." and maybe leave.... That's just rude.

 

Your son is a child and might not be aware the unwritten rules of buffets. I don't think he did anything wrong, esp. since he is not someone who will take food and not eat it.

 

Your aunt could have subtly whispered to him, "Dear, I want to make sure all the people behind you get meat. Let's just put a slice back and I'll be sure to get you when it's time for seconds."

 

She overreacted.

 

JMO

 

 

These both express my thoughts and feelings.

 

I hope your son is tougher than I am (I've always been very sensitive). I had a teacher in Preschool respond inappropriately to my thoughtless behavior in a food related incident (having not been taught appropriate etiquette) and 25 years later I still have food issues/sensitivities.

[Pink Fairy]

Add me to the list of those who think your aunt was RUDE.

[Julie in CA]

I will also add a potluck pet peeve - WHEN NO ONE WILL GO FIRST!! Ugh. That's so irritating to me. When the ladies are asked to go first - go already. The false modesty is annoying.

 

Lol! That's why I've taught the boys to escort aunties, grandmas, or elderly ladies to the buffet if they really want the line to get started (since they know they have to wait until after the line goes down). Very few ladies will actually turn down a young man who presents his arm and says, "Would you allow me to escort you through the line?" or "Mrs. Elderly, I'd like to serve you a plate, what would you like?". :lol:

[5knights3maidens]

She was very rude. Your son was fine. I would have never thought of telling someone that they took too much. Was she afraid she wouldn't have enough, and if so, that's her problem.

[TammyinTN]

I always just told my children to take only what they would eat. Sounds like he did just that. She was rude. When I'm hosting a gathering I always make extra...I don't want anyone leaving hungry or having to worry about portion sizes.

[elinnea]

I'm really surprised at some of the answers but I guess that just goes to show how many different viewpoints there can be. I don't think the aunt was rude. Yes, a hostess has a responsibility to be gracious towards her guests but I think that courtesy extends in both directions. If a guest was misbehaving at my party then I would feel obligated to speak up on the behalf of the other guests.

 

In our family the little kids would probably be served first (5 and under) then grandparents and on down the line. There is always plenty of food but my kid are told to take modest portions on the first pass through. After that they can go back for seconds. They are also required to ask before they take the last portion of anything. To me it is a matter of respect. I would personally be appalled if my kids took three slices of meatloaf. I have two boys and they can eat A LOT but family dinners aren't gorge fests imo. If we were really to provide the amount of food that everyone in our large extended family COULD eat it would be very expensive.

[unsinkable]

I'm really surprised at some of the answers but I guess that just goes to show how many different viewpoints there can be. I don't think the aunt was rude. Yes, a hostess has a responsibility to be gracious towards her guests but I think that courtesy extends in both directions. If a guest was misbehaving at my party then I would feel obligated to speak up on the behalf of the other guests.

 

In our family the little kids would probably be served first (5 and under) then grandparents and on down the line. There is always plenty of food but my kid are told to take modest portions on the first pass through. After that they can go back for seconds. They are also required to ask before they take the last portion of anything. To me it is a matter of respect. I would personally be appalled if my kids took three slices of meatloaf. I have two boys and they can eat A LOT but family dinners aren't gorge fests imo. If we were really to provide the amount of food that everyone in our large extended family COULD eat it would be very expensive.

 

He was not misbehaving.

 

He was serving himself meatloaf.

[vonfirmath]

When I prepare a dinner for folk (whether it is a large group or just my family), I do not expect that all they will eat is meat. I expect they will fill up on bread, vegetables, appetizers, and get a portion of meat. So I will have an entire table spread, not enough meat for everyone to fill up.

 

If there is more for seconds they are welcome to come back later. But generally I do not expect people to take all the food they can eat in the first pass.

 

Yes, your aunt was in the wrong to embarass your son, but the son was in the wrong as well to take so much in the first pass through.

 

This is a good reminder to teach my own son as he grows up "Buffet etiquette" because they do not necessarily get it just by virtue of being around people who have it! This is especially important in this day and age when potlucks are getting thinner on the floor. It used to be that a potluck would have so much food you could pick up baskets afterwards. I recently was embarassed to be in the potluck where there was not enough food on the table to go around -- the hosts ran out to Safeway and got some deli stuff to try to fill it up. But it was an obvious shortage of food. And while the most egregious example, it is not the first time lately that I've begun to wonder if people understand what a potluck means :(

Edited March 28, 2011 by vonfirmath

[tammyw]

Three pieces of meatloaf might be a bit much (originally I thought meat equaled ham or turkey or such), but I don't think he was purposely being rude in taking it. Unaware? Yes, probably, but not purposely rude. I think the aunt was being purposely rude. She easily could have done something in a nicer way so as to get her point across. And I also think people would be responding differently if she had done it to, say, a grandfather, or the original poster (a mom). I do think sometimes adults feel it's okay to talk down to children differently just because they are children, and that just seems unfair to me.

 

I'm all for teaching manners and being appropriate. I think the aunt could have used it as opportunity to teach the son in a kind and respectful manner, rather than in a scolding way. It would have been much better received that way I think, by everyone.

[elinnea]

He was not misbehaving.

 

He was serving himself meatloaf.

 

I guess we all have our own definitions of misbehaving. :001_smile: To me a child taking a large portion of meat at a buffet meal before others had been served would be misbehaving because I personally find that rude. Obviously quite a few other people have a different opinion. It all comes down to personal viewpoints I suppose.

[tammyw]

I guess we all have our own definitions of misbehaving. :001_smile: To me a child taking a large portion of meat at a buffet meal before others had been served would be misbehaving because I personally find that rude. Obviously quite a few other people have a different opinion. It all comes down to personal viewpoints I suppose.

 

Maybe in their family they were taught "only take what you can eat". If he knew that's what he could eat, then he was only doing what he was taught. And perhaps he wasn't as aware as the adults that there was a limited amount of food (there was discussion about more in the oven - kids don't necessarily pick up on the same things).

 

If it was originally stated "hey guys, there's only enough meatloaf for everyone to have one or two pieces initially" and then he went on to get three instead, that would have been rude.

 

ETA: And I have no idea why I keep coming back and posting to this thread, lol, I guess I might be bored or something!

[phathui5]

Once when we were eating at a restaurant with my children and my brothers family and children, my Mom, the grandma of all of our children, was making an issue about my son and his cousin eating a basket full of chips. It was so rude how she made an obnoxious facial expression in disapproval and scolded them. I said to her "That's what the chips are there for. Would you like me to ask the waiter to bring a basket of chips just for you ?"

 

:thumbup:

[elinnea]

Maybe in their family they were taught "only take what you can eat". If he knew that's what he could eat, then he was only doing what he was taught. And perhaps he wasn't as aware as the adults that there was a limited amount of food (there was discussion about more in the oven - kids don't necessarily pick up on the same things).

 

Right, and that's why I said it comes down to different viewpoints. Maybe the real problem is that the ADULTS all have different expectations. In our family the boy would have been rude because all the adults are on the same page as to what is rude and what isn't. In the op's case it sounds like the aunt had one set of rules and the op's family another and to that I would say "when in Rome". When I am a guest I try to be concious of what is the "norm" at that house. My kids know that it's okay to jump on the couch at our house but it's NOT okay at Grandma's. If my kids started jumping on the couch at Grandma's house, Grandma has a right to say something even if the kids are oblivious or forget.

[LostSurprise]

I think any woman who is the veteran of numerous church potlucks is aware of what a group of teens going through the line first can do to the main course, breads, and dessert. Our church had to ask teens to go after adults because parents weren't watching and teens would decimate the table leaving only fruits and vegetables. Most of them just didn't think about what they were doing and the effect was accumulative.

 

However, there's no need to be rude. Most people know to take a child aside quietly and point out the better way. I would forgive her...especially at a time when stress can make people a little harsher than usual...but she should have done a better job expressing herself.

[tammyw]

Right, and that's why I said it comes down to different viewpoints. Maybe the real problem is that the ADULTS all have different expectations. In our family the boy would have been rude because all the adults are on the same page as to what is rude and what isn't. In the op's case it sounds like the aunt had one set of rules and the op's family another and to that I would say "when in Rome". When I am a guest I try to be concious of what is the "norm" at that house. My kids know that it's okay to jump on the couch at our house but it's NOT okay at Grandma's. If my kids started jumping on the couch at Grandma's house, Grandma has a right to say something even if the kids are oblivious or forget.

 

Absolutely agree with you! I just think there's a difference between gently saying "hey guys, jumping on the sofa isn't okay in my house" and say yelling rudely "Hey Brats! Get off my sofa this instant".

[tammyw]

This is reminding me a bit about one of the SOTW stories where there are two aunts - they both invite you in and one is kind and understanding even when you spill the brownie (on the table), and the other who is horrible and awful after she feeds you brownie on her gleaming white sofa, lol.

[2squared]

Perhaps, like you, the Aunt does think a child taking as much food as they expect to eat rates as greed; I guess that would explain her indignation. However, I generally don't. If we were somewhere in which food was scarce, I might see it differently, but we're not, so I don't.

 

I would have to say that three meat loaves to serve 28 people would put meatloaf in a scarce or rationed category for that meal. We are talking 9 people per meatloaf, so I would think that three pieces for anyone on the first pass through (even if you would eat all of it) would seem greedy. I'm sure your ds didn't realize all this, but an adult could see it.

 

My oldest did a similar thing at our last potluck. Someone brought blackberries, and there were only enough for 1-2 berries per person. My dd took about 10. We caught her on the way to her table and redistributed her berries among our family and explained to her why taking so many was greedy. I also explained to her that she could get more on her second pass through the line after everyone else had already gone through and after she had filled up on other foods on her plate.

 

I usually scan the buffet before my family starts eating so I can provide my dc guidance in food selection.

[elinnea]

Unless this exact situation was discussed prior or you ate at buffets all the time, how would a 9 year old know that? It might be self centered, which is normal for 9, but rude? Did the woman have to yell about it and make a scene? I think it was rude towards the child. Children are people too.

 

Unless a child had never previously been to a family meal I find it pretty hard that a nine year old WOULDN'T know that. Certainly, I don't expect my 2 year old to remember not to take the last cookie but I do expect my 9 and 12 year olds to know that. Like I said, I am approaching this from my own personal viewpoint (which is what I know best :001_smile:) and which might be vastly different from other people's. Perhaps it's a cultural thing. I spent most of my 20's and 30's in Germany. When we returned to the States I was surprised that most Americans seemed a lot more indulgent towards their children. I believe children are people too and would never treat a child in a condescending way but if my child was doing something that was unacceptable to me I would still say something.

 

We don't know if the aunt yelled and made a scene. None of us, aside from the op, was present.

[Stacy in NJ]

It's just fun that way. :001_smile:

 

While I would have a talk with your ds about choosing an appropriate amount of items for his dinner plate (it really isn't okay to pile it high on the first go-round), your aunt was rude. Unless a person is engaging in a really inappropriate activity (dangerous, stupid, or vile) we shouldn't call them out in public. It's just icky.

 

Children make errors in manners all the time; they're kids; they're learning. Adults should know better.

[JeneralMom]

I have taught my kids that buffets are not for filling up. I think an 11yo who is (as OP said in a later post) a veteran of these family buffets should know that the food has to feed 30 some odd people and that he should not as much food as it would take to fill him up. So, in that way I think he was rude. But, the aunt should never have made a public denouncement of his behaviour. I mean, seriously, how much effort does it take to quietly ask the boy to give one of his pieces to someone else?

 

However, my mum and I have different takes on buffets. She always fills her plate in one go because she doesn't want people to think she is a "pig" or "greedy" going up to the table repeated times. I personally like to take smaller portions and multiple trips - I don't like to mix up my 'appetizers', main meal, and dessert.

[elinnea]

It did rub the op the wrong way so I assume it was more than a gentle "please make sure there is enough for everyone".

 

 

See, I know people where a gentle reminder would be considered an "attack" on their child so perhaps that is coloring my opinion as well. :glare:

[Julie in CA]

See, I know people where a gentle reminder would be considered an "attack" on their child so perhaps that is coloring my opinion as well. :glare:

This is true.

I really think we do our children a disservice when we treat them as delicate flowers who cannot take a reprimand. I don't mean the original poster, but in general. There's some value, imo, in teaching children that not everything is a personal attack. Sometimes other people have a bad day, and it's nice to be confident enough in yourself that you can identify when someone's just having a hard day and expressing themselves inappropriately.

 

Even when it is personal, I'd like my dc to hear the comment, make a personal evaluation of their own behavior, and accept the comment as constructive or not--it's not an estimation of their intrinsic worth, just a criticism of manners or behavior. :001_smile:

 

Obviously, I don't mean that we should teach kids to be doormats who take whatever abuse is heaped upon them. There is clearly a difference between a reprimand by an auntie in front of other family members, and a permanently damaging, abusive situation.

[katilac]

We don't know if the aunt yelled and made a scene. None of us, aside from the op, was present.

 

Of course none of us were there, but Quill said the aunt "scolded her son loudly" in front of everyone. I'm quite willing to take her word for it.

 

Would you loudly and publicly scold an adult for taking too much meat at your table, or would you quietly ask them not to take so much? (altho' I agree that pulling the meat off his plate was a bit nasty, lol, I sure hope the aunt ate it)).

 

If a person can summon up the common courtesy to not intentionally embarrass an adult, why not do the same for a child? The end result would be the same or better. Or she could have grabbed his mom and whispered that there might not be enough, and could she share with ds and maybe have a word with him?

 

There are just so many choices here other than shining a spotlight on a mistake a guest has made.

[Ginevra]

Originally Posted by elinnea

See, I know people where a gentle reminder would be considered an "attack" on their child so perhaps that is coloring my opinion as well.

This is true.

I really think we do our children a disservice when we treat them as delicate flowers who cannot take a reprimand. I don't mean the original poster, but in general.

 

I know some like that, too. This was not like that. :001_smile:

 

It was like this, "CW! You don't need 3 pieces of meatloaf! That's too much! Quill, do you see his plate? Look at all that meat he took! CW! Here, come here! I'll take a piece of yours for my plate." :glare: And all this was said in a loud-even-for-a-party voice. It was not spoken gently between concerned parties. I said, "CW, you have to take a smaller portion the first time; after everyone is served you can have more if there's some left." And then I turned back to the rolls I was taking out of the tinfoil and muttered something under my breath that rhymes with "witch." :tongue_smilie:

[elinnea]

I know some like that, too. This was not like that. :001_smile:

 

It was like this, "CW! You don't need 3 pieces of meatloaf! That's too much! Quill, do you see his plate? Look at all that meat he took! CW! Here, come here! I'll take a piece of yours for my plate." :glare: And all this was said in a loud-even-for-a-party voice. It was not spoken gently between concerned parties. I said, "CW, you have to take a smaller portion the first time; after everyone is served you can have more if there's some left." And then I turned back to the rolls I was taking out of the tinfoil and muttered something under my breath that rhymes with "witch." :tongue_smilie:

 

Ah, well in that case then I can certainly agree with you that your aunt was rude. I still think that she had a right to say something to your child but "shaming" someone like that, child OR adult, is not somthing I can get behind.

[goldberry]

And then I turned back to the rolls I was taking out of the tinfoil and muttered something under my breath that rhymes with "witch." :tongue_smilie:

 

I would have done exactly the same. Then later I would have explained the situation to my kid, but also explained why the aunt behaved inappropriately as well.

 

Children need to learn that EVERYONE should be treated respectfully. To embarass a child like that in front of others, when there is no way she would have done that to an adult, is WRONG.

[Ginevra]

Unless a child had never previously been to a family meal I find it pretty hard that a nine year old WOULDN'T know that. Certainly, I don't expect my 2 year old to remember not to take the last cookie but I do expect my 9 and 12 year olds to know that.

 

Well, it has never been an issue before. Either ds is just revving up the appetite as 11yos everywhere and so this was the first such instance or this was the first instance where the amount of food he took was noticed by anyone.

 

And can I just comment about "last cookie"? There's nothing wrong with taking the last cookie (cupcake, strawberry, m&m, etc.). The last cookie is meant for the same thing as the first cookie: to be eaten. I agree with asking if they have already had a cookie and now they would like the last one, but I don't find anything amiss in being the person who ate the last bit of whatever. Do you really not allow your kids to have the last cookie just because it's the only one left?

[mrsrevmeg]

 

And can I just comment about "last cookie"? There's nothing wrong with taking the last cookie (cupcake, strawberry, m&m, etc.). The last cookie is meant for the same thing as the first cookie: to be eaten. I agree with asking if they have already had a cookie and now they would like the last one, but I don't find anything amiss in being the person who ate the last bit of whatever. Do you really not allow your kids to have the last cookie just because it's the only one left?

 

I'm glad I am not the only one feeling a little :confused: over that. When going to a potluck I'd rather take home empty plates instead of plates with 1 ______ on it. If you can't go first in line, can't have the last of anything, what can you do?

[snickelfritz]

If you can't go first in line, can't have the last of anything, what can you do?

 

If it's the first time through the buffet and it's the first cookie they want ( ie.. They aren't grabbing 3) then I let them get the last cookie. If they already got one and want to go back for another and it's the last one and people are still eating ( and might not have made it to dessert) we have them ask if everyone already had one. If people have finished eating, they can have it. It's not so much hard rules as looking around and assessing the situation.

Edited March 28, 2011 by snickelfritz

[elinnea]

And can I just comment about "last cookie"? There's nothing wrong with taking the last cookie (cupcake, strawberry, m&m, etc.). The last cookie is meant for the same thing as the first cookie: to be eaten. I agree with asking if they have already had a cookie and now they would like the last one, but I don't find anything amiss in being the person who ate the last bit of whatever. Do you really not allow your kids to have the last cookie just because it's the only one left?

 

Oh goodness no! Cookies aren't meant to wasted. ;) I just meant it would be rude to take the last one without asking. My 12 year old has a HUGE sweet tooth. He's always back for seconds or thirds at the dessert table. If there were one cookie left I would expect him to ask because maybe his little sister or one of his little cousins might not have had any dessert at all yet.

[Melissa in Australia]

And can I just comment about "last cookie"? There's nothing wrong with taking the last cookie (cupcake, strawberry, m&m, etc.). The last cookie is meant for the same thing as the first cookie: to be eaten. I agree with asking if they have already had a cookie and now they would like the last one, but I don't find anything amiss in being the person who ate the last bit of whatever. Do you really not allow your kids to have the last cookie just because it's the only one left?

 

:lol::lol:

I was brought up that if there was the last cookie, or cake left on the plate you couldn't eat it until you had taken the plate and offered it to at least three people. The other people had been brought up the same way and knew they were expected to refuse, so the person who was offering the last one (and really wanted it ) would get the last piece without appearing greedy. This works really well if everyone was brought up the same way.

I remember when I was a kid and we were at a large dinner, there was a beautiful sponge that my dad really loved, there was enough desert for everyone. At the finish there was the last piece siting there. My father took the plate and offered it to several people, everyone politely decline, knowing my father really wanted it, but one guest was from Germany, and possibly didn't know this rules of etiquette. He piped up with I'll take it, and ate it . Everyone started laughing. It was really very funny.:lol:

[cubfan]

Parents need to teach proper etiquitte and then pay attention to help their kids learn to be considerate of others. Our six year old knows this. I think he is old enough to be taught not to pile up his plate, but rather to go back after eveyone has been served. But I rarely see children being considerate of others in these types of situations. I think it's because parents don't pay attention and the low expectations we have for children.

 

That being said, no way should she have embarassed him like that!