ktgrok Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 I'm part of a local mothers group. Its a great group of women dedicated to living informed lives. Mostly AP, fairly crunchy. Well, as the topic of "tea" often comes up, particulary with tired moms not in the mood, I posted about how my husband had been the one not in the mood, because of a lot of stress, but had made a real effort to improve this area of our lives and we have both enjoyed the change. Well, one of the moms, someone fairly new to the group whose posts have been grating on my nerves anyway, replied that she doesn't know ANY man that would turn down "tea" and "you know, they say if he isn't doing it with you he's doing it with someone" and asked if I had considered that he might be cheating on me!!!!!! OH, and she prefaced it by saying she hoped I didn't take it "the wrong way". Um, what is the RIGHT way to take that??? This is how I responded. I'm trying not to take that wrong, but I'm not sure what the RIGHT way to take "sounds like your husband might be cheating on you" is. So I will simply say that I am 100% certain that my husband is faithful. I have to say, to imply that you know the behavior of all men that well to insinuate this is a bit ridiculous. This is NOT a topic men would discuss openly with casual aquaintances, or even friends most of the time. I am certain that my husband's male friends don't know that we have had this issue, and I am DARNED certain he isn't discussing it with his female friends. Men may laugh and say they always want it when in public, but what happens in private is a totally different issue. So yes, you sounded very insensitive to a real marital issue that is not often talked about but is very real. So yeah, I'll admit it, I'm offended. I followed it up with this: And to clarify, I'm not just offended on my own behalf, although that is part of it. I'm offended on behalf of all men, including the man my son will soon be, whom you are putting into a two dimensional stereotype. Men have emotions and issues just like women. They get depressed, they get tired, they gain weight and feel bad about it, they worry about another pregnancy, they have anxiety, etc. They are not a bunch of horn dogs willing to get it up for anyone that wants it. To assume so is sad. Now no one else is posting on what is usually a very busy list. Did I over react? Keep in mind I don't know this mom personally yet. Katie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 No, you didn't over-react. There are many reasons men aren't in the mood, just like there are many reasons why women aren't in the mood. Stress, work, testosterone levels, health issues, etc. There are times I'm after my dh and he is just flat out too tired. Ditto the other way...he wants it and I'm just too tired. It happens. If men wanted it all the time and could always do it, I guess there wouldn't be so many ED commercials. Maybe she's young or has only dealt with jerks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Sounds like she read, "For Women Only." :D I'm sorry that was a very imature thing for her to say. In pre-marital counseling I remember our pastor asked me how I would take it the first time dh "wasn't in the mood?" Truthfully, I thought he was loony...now i get it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NanceXToo Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Her comments would have irked me too! I don't think you over reacted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KristinaBreece Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Go you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eight_gregorys Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 That's pretty rude. I would be upset, too. To be honest, I was one of those women with that assumption about men myself. However, I have dealt with the my husband's lack of "tea" issue, too. It usually is when he is particularly stressed at work. Maybe she is just not educated and misinformed about it. Regardless, I would never blurt out in a middle of a group that I thought someone's husband was cheating. That's rude and embarassing for everyone involved. I hope that you are able to find other's that can sympathize with your situation b/c I know it can be tough sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 I don't think you are wrong to have taken offense. I would have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Your response was a bit long but she's a dork. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 Holy moly--she said that?!!! :svengo: Perhaps the lack of posting from your group is because it's hard to follow up an exchange like that with "What kind of cloth diapers do you prefer?" Lol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MotherMayI Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 I think your response was spot on! You revealed something very personal and she made offensive generalizations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 You didn't overreact. You were in fact very reasonable about it. Maybe she'll learn something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 She sounds immature and not experienced. I'd let it go from this point on- you've made your point. This is a topic I would NEVER discuss outside our own bedroom or with my doctor. If a couple was seeing a counselor, then it would be appropriate, as well. It would remain private as these kind of un-called for comments would inevitibly pop up. I would want to protect my relationship and show my dh the utmost respect. By the way, your dh sounds like a fine man. Mine is similar in that he makes sacrifices for me, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 I think your response was appropriate and well articulated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmMusa Posted February 4, 2011 Share Posted February 4, 2011 I don't think you overreacted. I don't like generalizations like that at all. Whether it's about 'women', 'men', 'inlaws', whatever... there is never one way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I think your response was appropriate and well articulated. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilverMoonlight Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Nope, I don't think you overreacted at all!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatCyndiGirl Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 You did NOT overreact! I have found that anytime someone says, "I hope this doesn't offend you" it usually will. And if they say, "I don't mean to sound racist", they do. And, "I don't mean to hurt your feelings" it might. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 She sounds immature and not experienced. I'd let it go from this point on- you've made your point. This is a topic I would NEVER discuss outside our own bedroom or with my doctor. If a couple was seeing a counselor, then it would be appropriate, as well. It would remain private as these kind of un-called for comments would inevitibly pop up. I would want to protect my relationship and show my dh the utmost respect. By the way, your dh sounds like a fine man. Mine is similar in that he makes sacrifices for me, too. In hindsight you are so right. I did NOT discuss it when we were having the issues. I only brought it up after things were better, as encouragement to other women. Sigh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Sounds like she's bought into the "all men want tea all the time" stereotype. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I'm not usually one to jump on the offended bandwagon, but yeah, that was offensive. I don't think it was necessarily offensive to suggest that a drop in marital sex could be a flag to an affair (that is often true) but the old "They're doing it with somebody" is a gender stereotype. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 Ok, it got worse, she said she was "laughing at my request for an apology" and that she certainly shouldn't have to bother with a private email just for something like this. I contacted a moderator and am leaving it at that. Some people are clueless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Ok, it got worse, she said she was "laughing at my request for an apology" and that she certainly shouldn't have to bother with a private email just for something like this. I contacted a moderator and am leaving it at that. Some people are clueless. Ooooh. There was one catty line I remember, "You can lead a blond to a book but you can't make her think". Or something like that. That would have been my response. :tongue_smilie: Apologies to WTM blonds. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mother Superior Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 You didn't overreact. You were in fact very reasonable about it. Maybe she'll learn something. I completely agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I think she was offensive. Very. Is you DH OK with you sharing these details about your married life? I think you are spot on about stereotypes and our need to be sensitive to our men. My DH would be qngry if I shared private details on the internet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crissy Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I don't think it was necessarily offensive to suggest that a drop in marital sex could be a flag to an affair (that is often true) but the old "They're doing it with somebody" is a gender stereotype. :iagree: with this part. I would not have been offended. But that is not to say that I wouldn't have thought the woman is an idiot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Good grief! She sounds like an immature know-it-all! (Dd5 just walked in and asked for "a little bit of tea!" :lol: Must get my own immature mind back where it belongs!) Studies have actually shown that it is often women who are more "in the mood" more often than men. In any case, I liked your reply. I would be *so* upset for someone to insinuate such a thing. :001_huh: I know my dh better than anyone in the world and if I don't think he is cheating, I know that better than some twit on the internet. (My dh wouldn't care at all if I posted about things like that. It doesn't phase him in the least. :) ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted February 5, 2011 Author Share Posted February 5, 2011 I think she was offensive. Very. Is you DH OK with you sharing these details about your married life? I think you are spot on about stereotypes and our need to be sensitive to our men. My DH would be qngry if I shared private details on the internet. He is ok with it. He knows I need to discuss these things with someone. And as none of these women really know him well it isn't the same as me discussing it with his friend's wives, you know? Oh, and everyone in the group is local, we have meetings every other week. I just haven't been at one that this woman is at yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LauraGB Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I think she was way out of line. But, I probably wouldn't have been offended, although I can certainly understand why you were. I would think, rather, that she had dealt with something traumatizing in her own life that led her to believe that or that she had been taught that stereotypical bit and she's constantly troubling about it. I would have felt sad for her, maybe a little angry on my own behalf, but not enough to say anything beyond that I was sorry she didn't understand. However, I do think that your retort was well articulated, and you don't have anything to worry about there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Amen and thank you! As the mother of a future man and the spouse of a current one thank you for standing up against the groin-centered stereotype. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Sounds like she's bought into the "all men want tea all the time" stereotype. Maybe she goes to that church whose pastor writes that all men sit in parking lots of workout clubs masturbating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Also, maybe your reaction will keep her from saying something similar to anyone else in the future. So I'm glad you said it, the world benefits! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 You didn't overreact. You were in fact very reasonable about it. Maybe she'll learn something. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChiMomNP Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I would of been steamed. Blech. Having survived my spouses repeated infidelities, I can assure her that is pure unadulterated BS. My DH wanted "tea" everyday and got "tea" everyday and he was still stopping at lots of different tea houses for a different cup of "brew...all the time". It is nonsense and you handled her better than I would have. Seriously. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I don't think your reply was out of line. I understand what you are feeling. I hate the way men and boys are stereotyped into what I call "bubba boxes." They're either supposed to be a super-jock bubba, or drinkin'-n-shootin' bubba or a horn-dog bubba or some combination thereof. It's quite insulting to men everywhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Ok, it got worse, she said she was "laughing at my request for an apology" and that she certainly shouldn't have to bother with a private email just for something like this. I contacted a moderator and am leaving it at that. Some people are clueless. I think you handled a very b*tchy comment with grace. Everyone else probably stopped posting because they were anxious to have teA, lol. It was a perfect time to leave the conversation. She's made it perfectly clear to everyone that she's an idiot, and by leaving gracefully, you've made it clear that you are not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wildiris Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 Consider this--You're having an online dialogue with someone you don't know personally. Online no one can read the body language expressed along with the words typed. I think the unspoken signals make up a huge part of a conversation of this nature. So I'm going to say you're blowing this up when you consider the context of the exchange. Without seeing you in real life, another person is going to respond through their lens of experience. If this person saw you in real life chances are their response could be very different. Roll with and ignore it. Clearly the other poster does not see how she could have offended you. Did it ever occur to you that this poster has never had the kind of experience you describe? Maturity or not, what you describe maybe foreign territory to her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I don't think that what she wrote was appropriate. However, I've discovered that people very rarely will give apologies. I've stopped asking for them because it is an invitation for more abuse (in my experience) if you do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgehog Posted February 5, 2011 Share Posted February 5, 2011 I think she was way out of line. But, I probably wouldn't have been offended, although I can certainly understand why you were. I would think, rather, that she had dealt with something traumatizing in her own life that led her to believe that or that she had been taught that stereotypical bit and she's constantly troubling about it. I would have felt sad for her, maybe a little angry on my own behalf, but not enough to say anything beyond that I was sorry she didn't understand. However, I do think that your retort was well articulated, and you don't have anything to worry about there. :iagree: I wondered whether she had had a bad experience with a partner too. At any rate, she's a bit ignorant to suggest that it's very likely that if a man isn't having teA with his partner, he's getting it elsewhere. I mean, I'm in a difficult relationship where my husband periodically cheats on me, but that doesn't make me assume that all husbands will cheat if they aren't having it at home! It's so much more complex than that, anyway. I don't know whether this is possible given the exchange you've already had, but I would encourage you to see if you can help this lady. As I mentioned above, she could be going through a rough patch in her life and appreciate someone listening to her. In the early days of me struggling with what my marriage had become (in my early 20's) I did have my moments of wondering whether all men were uncontrolled monsters! Obviously I moved on; I had some conversations with some wonderful couples and individual men which have reassured me that my early fear was groundless, but maybe this gal isn't there yet. Just a thought. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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