Beware

[creekland]

Beware of the man who seems so nice to youngsters, works in the church, with youth, and often takes them fishing, hunting or other such things.

 

Just saying... and praying my son is giving us an honest answer to a VERY hard question. My son that suddenly became suicidal last year and doesn't want hugs and had other "issues" that stymied us.

 

Fortunately, in our case, our schedules didn't work out often enough for this man (and I use that word VERY loosely) to have as much alone time with my guy as he wanted, so there's hope he's telling the truth (my son, that is). But there was alone time. And I SO wish there hadn't been. I feel so gullible.

 

Life does go on, right?

 

Man I feel for those (mostly in the church, not ours, but a nearby one) who are dealing with very difficult issues right now.

 

The "man" confessed concerning those who brought this to light. He's looking at 20 - 100 years in jail from what we were told (today). It's not a maybe situation - except with my son (and there might be others). I suspect it will be in the local papers before long.

 

DO NOT TRUST others with your child(ren) alone. NO ONE EVEN REMOTELY SUSPECTED THIS GUY. We all thought he was nice and appreciated him and all he wanted to do for the kids. The first confession (today) is from EIGHT years ago from what I heard - a reputable source wondering who else he'd been with. I'm sure more horrid details will come out.

 

Just saying - as I contemplate the future and what it all means - and keep wondering if my youngest is telling us the truth - or not.

 

Update and link to story on page 3. Actually, the link I can put in here:

 

http://www.eveningsun.com/ci_17296039

 

Top story in our local paper this morning (sigh).

 

We still don't know if my son was a victim or not. He tells us no, but we don't know.

Edited February 5, 2011 by creekland

[JudoMom]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: Praying for you, your son and for all involved. :grouphug:

[Ibbygirl]

I'm so sorry for your poor son and for your family. This is a good reminder that we can never be too careful. :grouphug: to you.

[PinkInTheBlue]

Oh no! I am so sorry :grouphug: I'm just speechless and have no idea what to say other than your son and your family will be in thoughts and prayers. Again, I'm so sorry!

[staceyobu]

Protecting the Gift by Gavin De'Becker is a great read on this topic.

 

 

Sorry you are in such a horrible situation. :grouphug:

[Starr]

I'm so sorry! Your son might benefit from counseling one way or another. He has to have conflicted emotions and feelings. I do not understand why churches do not follow the guidelines of having 2 adults with kids at all times. I guess parents think church is safe. I wish that were always the case. Prayer for all of you. :grouphug:

[TN Mama]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Praying! I'm so sorry you even have to wonder.

[Joanne]

Beware of the man who seems so nice to youngsters, works in the church, with youth, and often takes them fishing, hunting or other such things.

 

............DO NOT TRUST others with your child(ren) alone. NO ONE EVEN REMOTELY SUSPECTED THIS GUY. We all thought he was nice and appreciated him and all he wanted to do for the kids. The first confession (today) is from EIGHT years ago from what I heard - a reputable source wondering who else he'd been with. I'm sure more horrid details will come out.

 

.

 

Please get your family, and especially your son, specific mental health support to heal from this.

 

Know that he might have ongoing issues with church, or intermittent need for support for a while to come.

 

Pedophiles do whatever it takes to be around kids and to gain trust of parents. However, there are red flags in the paragraphs I quoted. Please, to anyone reading who hasn't already, read Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.

 

It's not helpful to completely avoid children being in the care and company of other adults. What minimizes the risk is being informed as to how to recognize when something is "off", to learn to honor that sensing/intuition and to build the guts to take a stand.

 

Kids are at danger with people they know much more than strangers.

[Giraffe]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[creekland]

I'm so sorry! Your son might benefit from counseling one way or another. He has to have conflicted emotions and feelings. I do not understand why churches do not follow the guidelines of having 2 adults with kids at all times. I guess parents think church is safe. I wish that were always the case. Prayer for all of you. :grouphug:

 

The actual church events had more than one adult except when he was in a dorm with guys at a church camp each summer. Supposedly, he's saying he never did anything with anyone while at camp.

 

However, he asked for (and often got) outside of church time with youngsters by offering to take them fishing, hunting beekeeping or other "manly" activities - he built the relationships (mostly anyway) at church.

 

I feel really, really gullible and am mainly posting this to warn others not to be. It also helps to have a place to vent. I'm not a "feeler." I'm rarely struck down by anything. This one did it. I was supposed to protect my guy and now I don't know if I did or not. I'm really afraid I didn't, but he tells us nothing happened with him. Time might tell.

[simka2]

I'm so sorry :grouphug:!!!!

When we were children's ministers we took a lot of flack for insisting on background checks, a 2:1 ratio, and never more than a 4 year gap in childrens ages in the same small class rooms.

 

We monitored sex offender registries...and we still came close so many times.

Edited February 4, 2011 by simka2

[mommaduck]

Beware of the man who seems so nice to youngsters, works in the church, with youth, and often takes them fishing, hunting or other such things.

 

Just saying... and praying my son is giving us an honest answer to a VERY hard question. My son that suddenly became suicidal last year and doesn't want hugs and had other "issues" that stymied us.

 

Fortunately, in our case, our schedules didn't work out often enough for this man (and I use that word VERY loosely) to have as much alone time with my guy as he wanted, so there's hope he's telling the truth (my son, that is). But there was alone time. And I SO wish there hadn't been. I feel so gullible.

 

Life does go on, right?

 

Man I feel for those (mostly in the church, not ours, but a nearby one) who are dealing with very difficult issues right now.

 

The "man" confessed concerning those who brought this to light. He's looking at 20 - 100 years in jail from what we were told (today). It's not a maybe situation - except with my son (and there might be others). I suspect it will be in the local papers before long.

 

DO NOT TRUST others with your child(ren) alone. NO ONE EVEN REMOTELY SUSPECTED THIS GUY. We all thought he was nice and appreciated him and all he wanted to do for the kids. The first confession (today) is from EIGHT years ago from what I heard - a reputable source wondering who else he'd been with. I'm sure more horrid details will come out.

 

Just saying - as I contemplate the future and what it all means - and keep wondering if my youngest is telling us the truth - or not.

 

We dealt with this with one of my in-laws and several male friends when we were teenagers. The "deacon" was a military officer. Hate to break it to you, but they can (and do) get out on "good behaviour"...you might be lucky if he stays in 10yrs.

[OregonNative]

:grouphug: There are very few ppl I trust with my kids and altho I am Christian, I don't trust men in the church. If anything-beware of a good percentage! I learned this the hard way:001_huh:

[Harriet Vane]

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:

[GWOB]

Oh Momma!:grouphug: You are still a good mother. Your son trusted you enough to share this horrible information. He knows you are safe. I am so sorry for everything your family is experiencing right now.:grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

A strong suggestion: consider taking your son to someone who specializes in assessing sexual abuse. All the kids who had any access to him are better screened by professionals. For one thing, professionals are trained to do the assessment in a way that does not gum up testimony later; for another, they are trained to be able to elicit the information even from reluctant kids. When there is a large potential victim pool, it would make sense for any potential victim to be seen for assessment. If the group as a whole does this, it's easier on any one kid.

 

There is a difference between someone who is trained in this and does this only for a living and a generic mental health professional. See if there is a specialized unit in your area. (If you live near a university or teaching hospital, those might be good places to check.)

 

You can't beat up yourself. People like this man are hard to distinguish from people who truly care for kids. Often there are red flags, but sometimes those aren't seen until a group of people compare notes. and sometimes it takes seeing more than one red flag to realize that it is a red flag. (Gee, he took your son fishing, too? And yours? and yours?) This happened in our community as well and many people were shocked at the trusted person who did this. Red flags that became known after the fact: the group comparison of notes, a pattern of only doting on one gender kid in a family,a pattern of gift-giving by the man involved; he was the "special someone" to several kids (one gender) in the community, several mothers had just had funny feelings and had removed their kids from his influence, but had never spoken to others about it; some parents had said, "no more presents" but had never spoken to others about it; a whole lot of one-on-one time with kids for no real reason (why does a kid from a two parent home need lots of excursions with an older man? ); some kinds of touch done publically that were "gray" territory (ie some parents thought the touch was okay and others didn't)--back rubs and sitting on laps); the person appeared in some ways, more comfortable with kids than with adults, etc. Hope these might help others wondering about warning signs. He was married with grown children of his own.

 

 

You also don't know if it actually happened to your son. You're a good parent. Sometimes no matter what book you've read or how vigilant you've been it happens. It can be overcome in a supportive environment with the right help. Kudos to the young man who stepped forward and prevented more of the same happening to other kids. (I think when it happens to a pool of victims, it takes some of the stigma out of it for the victims. Often a victim torments him/herself by asking, "Why did I let that happen? What's wrong with me?" When a group of people have sucuumbed, it's a bit easier to let that go because he tricked a lot of people, not just them. They don't feel uniquely defective or susceptible in some way.

 

One of the policies we have at our church is that volunteers need to report to a supervisor when they are having outings with kids outside church. That helps identify potential patterns. It also serves notice to volunteers that we are monitoring that kind of thing. Knowing that a church (or other organization) is not naive is a deterrent.(Yes, they could fail to report, but the first time that came up in casual conversation with the kid, there would be scrutiny. )

 

Sorry that you and your community are having to go through this. It is very emotionally grueling. Hang in there. Shame is the enemy. The only real shame belongs to the perpetrator.

Edited February 4, 2011 by Laurie4b

[simka2]

Shame is the enemy. The only real shame belongs to the perpetrator.

 

Well said!

[Pam Wilhelm]

I haven't read all the posts...... but I wanted to say something that may help your son, maybe.

 

I was also a victim...with a family member... for over 10 years. I went through a lot of mental anguish...never told anyone until I was in my twenties. What finally helped me through all the crap I was mentally going through was this thought.....

 

When I wake up in the morning I shower, brush my teeth and get dressed.... I define myself by my care about myself and by the way I dress. Well, it dawned on me that I also define myself emotionally by how I choose to think of myself... am I going to "put on" the clothing of a victim? Am I going to "dress myself" in the outfit of fear? Shall I "clothe myself" as an angry and mentally challenged individual who will never get over this horrible act? NO! I decided to dress myself as a strong young woman who had this happen and moved on! Every morning I decide who I am! Not the brother who behaved badly. I make a conscious decision to be loving and kind and move past the events of my past. I find my strength in my religion and understanding of God and myself..... I define myself as God's child, untouched and unblemished.... not as a victim and not as someone who has to carry the burden of sexual abuse the rest of my life.

 

I am 49 now and my brother and I have a pretty good relationship....he is still a jerk.... but I can be in the same room with him and its okay. I define who I am....no one else does ... well, other than God. :001_smile:

 

Good luck and my warmest prayers for healing and peace to you all..... :grouphug:

[UmMusa]

I"m sorry you're going through this. May God protect our children from abuse and evil.

[WistfulRidge]

:grouphug:Praying for you and your family.:grouphug:

 

DO NOT TRUST others with your child(ren) alone.

 

I get a lot of crap from people in my church and my family because the list of people I will let my child be alone with is so incredibly short. But I've been in the congregation that finds out (from the man's daughter) just exactly what the "nice man" is, and how he and his wife moved across the state so that they could be in a place where people didn't know him, and he wouldn't be watched. I've been a frantic member of search party looking for my 3 year old sister in a museum. Even though we found her less than 5 minutes after she was taken, I watched her cower and cry behind one of us older siblings, or mom, for years if she ever encountered someone of certain race and description.

 

There is no way, no how I'm willing to leave my child alone with someone unless I *know* that he will be safe with them.

[Ibbygirl]

I haven't read all the posts...... but I wanted to say something that may help your son, maybe.

 

I was also a victim...with a family member... for over 10 years. I went through a lot of mental anguish...never told anyone until I was in my twenties. What finally helped me through all the crap I was mentally going through was this thought.....

 

When I wake up in the morning I shower, brush my teeth and get dressed.... I define myself by my care about myself and by the way I dress. Well, it dawned on me that I also define myself emotionally by how I choose to think of myself... am I going to "put on" the clothing of a victim? Am I going to "dress myself" in the outfit of fear? Shall I "clothe myself" as an angry and mentally challenged individual who will never get over this horrible act? NO! I decided to dress myself as a strong young woman who had this happen and moved on! Every morning I decide who I am! Not the brother who behaved badly. I make a conscious decision to be loving and kind and move past the events of my past. I find my strength in my religion and understanding of God and myself..... I define myself as God's child, untouched and unblemished.... not as a victim and not as someone who has to carry the burden of sexual abuse the rest of my life.

 

I am 49 now and my brother and I have a pretty good relationship....he is still a jerk.... but I can be in the same room with him and its okay. I define who I am....no one else does ... well, other than God. :001_smile:

 

Good luck and my warmest prayers for healing and peace to you all..... :grouphug:

 

You are so brave to share your story in order to help others. I'm so sorry this happened to you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[BlsdMama]

:(

 

Wow. So hard. One of those things parents pray they'll never have to deal with. I hope your family can heal and persevere. :grouphug:

[missesd]

And people look at me funny when I insist on a parent being in any church interviews with the kids....

 

I am so sorry you are going through this :(

 

Hugs and prayers..

[katemary63]

I knew a man. He had a wife and 3 kids. They all seemed normal, healthy and happy. He went to work - an engineer. He had a good job and made a good living. She cleaned the house. The kids did well in school. They were smart.

 

On Sundays, they all went to church. He was a deacon. She sang in the choir and taught Vaccation Bible School. On week nights, he coached Little League. He was the cub scout leader. A youth group leader. They took in foster kids.

 

The man molested all of his kids. Two girls and a boy. For 15 years - from tiny toddlers to teens. The wife pretended that every thing was fine. No one ever knew. No one knows still.

 

I don't call him Dad anymore.

 

Don't trust anyone.

[creekland]

I knew a man. He had a wife and 3 kids. They all seemed normal, healthy and happy. He went to work - an engineer. He had a good job and made a good living. She cleaned the house. The kids did well in school. They were smart.

 

On Sundays, they all went to church. He was a deacon. She sang in the choir and taught Vaccation Bible School. On week nights, he coached Little League. He was the cub scout leader. A youth group leader. They took in foster kids.

 

The man molested all of his kids. Two girls and a boy. For 15 years - from tiny toddlers to teens. The wife pretended that every thing was fine. No one ever knew. No one knows still.

 

I don't call him Dad anymore.

 

Don't trust anyone.

 

Wow, sorry! :grouphug: :grouphug:

[choirfarm]

Man I feel for those (mostly in the church, not ours, but a nearby one) who are dealing with very difficult issues right now.

 

The "man" confessed concerning those who brought this to light. He's looking at 20 - 100 years in jail from what we were told (today). It's not a maybe situation - except with my son (and there might be others). I suspect it will be in the local papers before long.

 

 

Just saying - as I contemplate the future and what it all means - and keep wondering if my youngest is telling us the truth - or not.

 

Creekland:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Man, I'm crying.... Praying for you. Praying that your son will be honest so he can heal!!! I know how much you love your kids!!!

[creekland]

Here's a link to this morning's top local news story (sigh).

 

http://www.eveningsun.com/ci_17296039

 

The only possible good thing at this point is my son might be telling the truth that he was not a victim (we will possibly never know). I emphasize might as I still have my suspicions.

 

However, apparently these "men" groom their victims for a bit first and mine might have only gotten to that stage since he didn't have as much alone time as the guy had wanted. Our schedules mainly didn't work out for all those offers of fishing trips. I'm thankful. He definitely was at the gift stage though and they talked often. I can think of once when he was truly alone with him. I asked my guy if anything happened and he assures me it didn't. That's all I have to go off of at that point. Of course, he was also in the summer camps for two years where this guy was a counselor, but supposedly nothing "happened" there other than befriending.

 

My son won't read the article this morning. He said he might this afternoon.

 

The sheriff hasn't called. Supposedly he said since this guy has confessed he's not trying to dig up more info. He's just going with those who have come forward. He was given my sons names (all 3 of them). Hopefully he point blank asked and they weren't involved. I don't know.

 

I'm still stunned.

 

For those who mentioned counselors, in PA, one can't force anyone into counseling who is over the age of 14. My son refused it when he was suicidal and I doubt anything will change now. I'd love to "know" but the one counselor "I" talked with yesterday told me if we pressed him it would not be a good thing. It would either mean we don't trust him (if he's honest) and blow our growing relationship or dredge up things he might not be ready to deal with if he's lying to us. We're supposed to just let him know that he can talk to us (or the counselor) anytime about anything and let him see that others are coming forward. When we discuss it (and we should, he said) we're supposed to stress the victimization part on behalf of the kids so that if anything did happen, it can plant the seed of "no guilt."

 

He said if anything happened that we might not find out for years. It might only come to light when he has his own kids - and that would not be good - but we'll need to watch for it.

 

I'm hoping my guy only got to the "befriend" stage. I sincerely feel for those who are totally involved. My kids are likely to know them. I might know some if they attend my ps.

 

I also send my :grouphug::grouphug: to people on here who have been there, done that.

[gingersmom]

:grouphug:

[mom4him]

I'm so sorry! Your son might benefit from counseling one way or another. He has to have conflicted emotions and feelings. I do not understand why churches do not follow the guidelines of having 2 adults with kids at all times. I guess parents think church is safe. I wish that were always the case. Prayer for all of you. :grouphug:

:iagree:I agree with both comments. I would arrange for counseling for your ds asap if he isn't already in counseling.

The safe guard of two adults is so very easy to do. When I headed up the nursery I had this in place. It didn't matter if there was only one child, we had two adults in there. It was a bit difficult to get instigated as most people simply don't think of some of this stuff but I finally explained that it is for your own safety as well as the childs. It wasn't very long after I had this in place that there was a very well liked man, very active in the church that was convicted of abusing his 8 yr old daughter.:tongue_smilie:

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug:I will pray for your family. This is a tough, painful situation. I agree to seek counseling for your family. It maybe that your son wasn't a victim in the physical sense of the word, but emotionally, he may have felt things were off. He may feel responsibility for those who were abused and blame himself...Again :grouphug:

[elegantlion]

Creekland, my heart is so heavy for you today. May your family and your son find strength today.

[tammyw]

My heart breaks for your family, and also for anyone who is faced with this kind of thing.

 

This is definitely a reminder to me - a reminder to read my copy of Protecting the Gift (I still have never read the entire thing, shame on me), and a reminder to me to talk to my kids again about this kind of thing, and regularly. There are so many scary things in the world, and I hate that so very much :(

[Margo out of lurking]

It maybe that your son wasn't a victim in the physical sense of the word, but emotionally, he may have felt things were off. He may feel responsibility for those who were abused and blame himself...

 

:iagree: Or feel guilty or confused that he liked this man and having no idea something evil was going on, or that he's trying to figure out his friendship with this guy against these revelations. :grouphug:

 

 

My heart is heavy for the sad stories shared here, particularly as some of the abusers were the ones you should have been able to trust more than anyone.

 

:grouphug:

[creekland]

:grouphug:I will pray for your family. This is a tough, painful situation. I agree to seek counseling for your family. It maybe that your son wasn't a victim in the physical sense of the word, but emotionally, he may have felt things were off. He may feel responsibility for those who were abused and blame himself...Again :grouphug:

 

 

:iagree: But I can not force him to see a counselor due to his age and he does not want to go. I have been talking with one though. It's the best I can do right now. I can only imagine what is going through his mind (either way) and it's not a pretty thought.

 

He is not a boy who is open with his thoughts. I wish there were someone we could trust that he would talk to. I'm afraid that this could set him back quite a bit.

[Mallorie]

I'm sorry your family is dealing with this, and I so wish I had some sage advice to give you. :(

 

Space and time can heal a lot, hopefully he'll eventually open up. In the meantime, I would recommend you go to counseling w/out him if he won't go. You're going to be his support system, and you're going to need to know how to treat him. Men handle things differently, and treating him like a 'victim' might be a blow and further aggravate things. I would definitely seek advice from a male counselor on how to help him, and keep *your* support system close.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I'm sorry your son was involved in any way. :grouphug:

[Teachin'Mine]

Praying for all the families. :grouphug:

[MomsintheGarden]

:grouphug:

I am so sorry! We will be praying for healing for your family and your community. May God give you give you grace.

 

I am also passing your article to some close relative who live very near you. Thank you for the reminder to be vigilant.

 

Blessings,

GardenMom

[Heather in Neverland]

Yep... he was a associate pastor and close friend of our family. My parents had no clue.

 

I am sorry you have to deal with this. :grouphug:

[*Inna*]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry.

[sleepymommy]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Oh I feel so sad for your family. My prayers are with you.

[sleepymommy]

I knew a man. He had a wife and 3 kids. They all seemed normal, healthy and happy. He went to work - an engineer. He had a good job and made a good living. She cleaned the house. The kids did well in school. They were smart.

 

On Sundays, they all went to church. He was a deacon. She sang in the choir and taught Vaccation Bible School. On week nights, he coached Little League. He was the cub scout leader. A youth group leader. They took in foster kids.

 

The man molested all of his kids. Two girls and a boy. For 15 years - from tiny toddlers to teens. The wife pretended that every thing was fine. No one ever knew. No one knows still.

 

I don't call him Dad anymore.

 

Don't trust anyone.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Also to Pam in MN and Coastal Gal:

 

It takes a lot of courage to even be able to write out your pain on the computer. Thank you for sharing:::

 

I read Protecting the Gift, but sometimes I need reminders as to why everyone thinks I'm too overprotective. You all have helped me remember and firmed my resolve. THANK YOU:grouphug:

Edited February 5, 2011 by sleepymommy

[sleepymommy]

The actual church events had more than one adult except when he was in a dorm with guys at a church camp each summer. Supposedly, he's saying he never did anything with anyone while at camp.

 

However, he asked for (and often got) outside of church time with youngsters by offering to take them fishing, hunting beekeeping or other "manly" activities - he built the relationships (mostly anyway) at church.

 

I feel really, really gullible and am mainly posting this to warn others not to be. It also helps to have a place to vent. I'm not a "feeler." I'm rarely struck down by anything. This one did it. I was supposed to protect my guy and now I don't know if I did or not. I'm really afraid I didn't, but he tells us nothing happened with him. Time might tell.

 

 

We all do the best we can and being a parent is never easy. You've done a wonderful job, not all things are easy to for see.:grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

I haven't read all the posts...... but I wanted to say something that may help your son, maybe.

 

I was also a victim...with a family member... for over 10 years. I went through a lot of mental anguish...never told anyone until I was in my twenties. What finally helped me through all the crap I was mentally going through was this thought.....

 

When I wake up in the morning I shower, brush my teeth and get dressed.... I define myself by my care about myself and by the way I dress. Well, it dawned on me that I also define myself emotionally by how I choose to think of myself... am I going to "put on" the clothing of a victim? Am I going to "dress myself" in the outfit of fear? Shall I "clothe myself" as an angry and mentally challenged individual who will never get over this horrible act? NO! I decided to dress myself as a strong young woman who had this happen and moved on! Every morning I decide who I am! Not the brother who behaved badly. I make a conscious decision to be loving and kind and move past the events of my past. I find my strength in my religion and understanding of God and myself..... I define myself as God's child, untouched and unblemished.... not as a victim and not as someone who has to carry the burden of sexual abuse the rest of my life.

 

I am 49 now and my brother and I have a pretty good relationship....he is still a jerk.... but I can be in the same room with him and its okay. I define who I am....no one else does ... well, other than God. :001_smile:

 

Good luck and my warmest prayers for healing and peace to you all..... :grouphug:

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Thanks for sharing for the sake of others' healing. And I"m sorry for what you endured that you shouldn't have had to.

[Laurie4b]

I knew a man. He had a wife and 3 kids. They all seemed normal, healthy and happy. He went to work - an engineer. He had a good job and made a good living. She cleaned the house. The kids did well in school. They were smart.

 

On Sundays, they all went to church. He was a deacon. She sang in the choir and taught Vaccation Bible School. On week nights, he coached Little League. He was the cub scout leader. A youth group leader. They took in foster kids.

 

The man molested all of his kids. Two girls and a boy. For 15 years - from tiny toddlers to teens. The wife pretended that every thing was fine. No one ever knew. No one knows still.

 

I don't call him Dad anymore.

 

Don't trust anyone.

 

So very sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug:

[katemary63]

Wow, sorry! :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Thank you! But I'm no victim. I found my true Father at the age of 20 and He healed my broken heart and taught me a new way. I have been happy and healthy, living a victorious life for 27 years. I learned from Him how to be a good wife, a good mother and a good person! Praise the Lord!

 

I share my story for many reasons:

 

1. To be able to tell about the miracle of healing that God did within me.

2. To give people pause and encourage them to think carefully about who they expose their kids to, such as in this situtation.

3. To help remove the stigma. I have no shame. The shame is his.

4. To give people who've been through similar circumstances hope.

 

This is me today. :party:

 

 

Extra hugs to the OP and her son. I'm so very, very sorry. :grouphug::grouphug:

[justamouse]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I can't even imagine. :grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

Here's a link to this morning's top local news story (sigh).

 

http://www.eveningsun.com/ci_17296039

 

The only possible good thing at this point is my son might be telling the truth that he was not a victim (we will possibly never know). I emphasize might as I still have my suspicions.

 

However, apparently these "men" groom their victims for a bit first and mine might have only gotten to that stage since he didn't have as much alone time as the guy had wanted. Our schedules mainly didn't work out for all those offers of fishing trips. I'm thankful. He definitely was at the gift stage though and they talked often. I can think of once when he was truly alone with him. I asked my guy if anything happened and he assures me it didn't. That's all I have to go off of at that point. Of course, he was also in the summer camps for two years where this guy was a counselor, but supposedly nothing "happened" there other than befriending.

 

My son won't read the article this morning. He said he might this afternoon.

 

The sheriff hasn't called. Supposedly he said since this guy has confessed he's not trying to dig up more info. He's just going with those who have come forward. He was given my sons names (all 3 of them). Hopefully he point blank asked and they weren't involved. I don't know.

 

I'm still stunned.

 

For those who mentioned counselors, in PA, one can't force anyone into counseling who is over the age of 14. My son refused it when he was suicidal and I doubt anything will change now. I'd love to "know" but the one counselor "I" talked with yesterday told me if we pressed him it would not be a good thing. It would either mean we don't trust him (if he's honest) and blow our growing relationship or dredge up things he might not be ready to deal with if he's lying to us. We're supposed to just let him know that he can talk to us (or the counselor) anytime about anything and let him see that others are coming forward. When we discuss it (and we should, he said) we're supposed to stress the victimization part on behalf of the kids so that if anything did happen, it can plant the seed of "no guilt."

 

He said if anything happened that we might not find out for years. It might only come to light when he has his own kids - and that would not be good - but we'll need to watch for it.

 

I'm hoping my guy only got to the "befriend" stage. I sincerely feel for those who are totally involved. My kids are likely to know them. I might know some if they attend my ps.

 

I also send my :grouphug::grouphug: to people on here who have been there, done that.

 

I am stunned at PA law that would make 14 an age at which someone could refuse mental health treatment, especially when they are suicidal. That is a law that needs to be changed.

 

I wonder if you could appeal to the sheriff for the sake of the kids to "dig stuff up". I don't believe that it should be confidential if he's asked the guy or not. Since the guy is freely confessing, it's a great opportunity to find out. Have you asked the sheriff if he has asked? Are there additional parents you know who are wondering? Perhaps as a group you could have more clout. There will definitely be boys who will not want to come forward as well as those who will. The community owes it to the ones who deal with things differently to find out the truth for their sakes. Could you find out from an attorney or someone in LE if you could write to the man and ask what happened with your son?

 

You might also be able to appeal to the two 21 year olds who have come forward to share their experiences of how they dealt with it with the community of people whose kids were involved with this man. That will provide some possible role-modeling for the younger kids. THANK these young men for staring down the shame and putting a stop to this.

 

With boys, the layers of shame can be different than for girls. Boys aren't supposed to be "victimized" (speaking stereotypically, but those stereotypes are powerful) so there is a strike against the masculinity at that point. The fact that it is same-gender assault gives it that whole layer for a survivor to process as well.

 

I think it would help if your dh says in conversations like the counselor is recommending that it is normal for teenaged boys to take some sexual dares and that the guy knew that it was normal and used it for his own ends, since he's not a teenager. It's normal for teenagers not to figure it out until they feel trapped. In fact, it's normal for parents not to have figured it out. I think that normal is a better word than victim. You want to talk about how normal people can survive and move through these things. There were plenty of normal boys who this man was able to manipulate.

 

In some ways, you (and very importantly, your dh) can model for your son how to deal with shame, which is the enemy , because you are dealing with the shame of potentially not having protected him . (Not saying this is shameful; just knowing that parents will feel shame.) You can model how to deflect your sense of shame back to the perpetrator rather than beating yourself up. You can model how to be angry in a productive way and sad that you were taken in. You can model how to turn your anger into something positive by ______ (campaigning for greater awareness of the warning signs, campaigning for the silent victims, setting up a support group for parents). You can model how to turn to God in reality and without platitudes and spiritual cover-ups. You can model how to move forward as a stronger person. You can model how to help an entire community respond in a way that promotes healing. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Edited February 5, 2011 by Laurie4b

[stormy weather]

Just :grouphug: and prayers.