HAVES and HAVE-NOTS

[Heather in Neverland]

I am really really struggling with something lately. And I apologize in advance if this ends up incoherent.

 

I am struggling with the great financial divide I see and am a part of daily. It is something I have never experienced before and I didn't "get" it until now. But there is this HUGE disparity between our expat staff and our "local" staff and it is just...I dont know... hard to live with, I guess?

 

When I was in admin. in the states there were of course also janitors and maintenance people in our district but they weren't POOR by any means. They didn't make as much as I made but they made good money, drove good cars, had homes, etc (yes, I did know them personally). So there was not such a HUGE divide.

 

But here? I make literally 7 times as much money in a month as a national staff worker makes. The difference is enormous and because I also know these people personally, the difference is also...i don't know...embarassing?

 

Simple examples... It's "quittin' time" so my family piles into our vehicle to leave and as we pull out of the parking lot we see the national staff members gathering at the bus stop near the lot to wait for the bus that may (or may not) show up on time, that has no A/C, that takes forever to get them all home, etc. And we wave to each other...and then there is this feeling I have in my stomach that I don't like.

 

If something goes wrong in our homes a member of the national staff comes to fix it...the homes are leased by the school for the expats so that is the school's responsibility. We have also had a few occasions to go to their homes (to drop them off or pick them up, etc). After seeing where they live I am too embarassed to ask them to come fix something in my home.

 

The same goes for our ahma. She is here 5 days a week. She knows everything about our family and has a pretty good idea of our finances. She invited us over for christmas eve and I was so humbled by it. She lives in this tiny little ghetto apartment with her husband, mother and two teenage daughters. And I find myself wondering what she thinks of us?

 

WHY do I feel this way? I have worked hard, gone to college. I have three degrees. I have worked my way up the ladder. Dh can say the same. I have earned everything that I have. Nothing has EVER been handed to me.

 

So why am I embarassed of my success?

 

Why does it embarass me to have so much when others I know and care about have so little?

 

Why do I worry so much that these people must think us expats are all just... over privileged?

 

Why does my heart hurt so much?

Edited February 3, 2011 by Heather in NC

[Osmosis Mom]

but, well, you are over-privileged. You might as well have been borne into their neighbourhood (but you weren't).

 

Some people get over it. Others make a lifestyle change and decide to change the world.

 

Also, in general, live within your means and help with charity.

[Starr]

:grouphug: You've really come up with the tough issues this year Missy! I had similar feelings in NYC and I can't imagine the extreme differences where you are now. And not having them fix your home could put them out of work all together some day...

[TXMomof4]

I am not judging at all - I have had the same feelings many times.

 

You did work hard and earn everything you have. BUT does that local person work any less hard? If you had been born there, would you have had the opportunities that you had as an American? Would you even have been aware that there was life other than work hard and go back to your ghetto apt.?

 

That's when I feel guilty. It is just the coincidence of birth that has me sitting in front of the computer drinking diet coke rather than scrounging for the days food. My kids are playing wii rather than working as slaves at Lake Volta in Ghana because of the place of birth. I do have to believe that God has put me here for a reason, but the lack of fairness of it still kicks me in the gut on a regular basis.

[Heather in Neverland]

Also, in general, live within your means and help with charity.

 

Well, we do... a lot. I don't like to talk about it because I don't think one should brag about how "generous" they are (I know people like that).

 

But something is still bugging me and I can't quite put my finger on it....

[Julie in Austin]

"Nothing has EVER been handed to me."

 

I obviously don't know you or them personally, but I doubt this is true. I suspect that if your birth mother had been malnourished, for example, she could have gotten state aid or private charity and you could have been born well-nourished. Is this true for all people you meet? If, as a child, you became really ill in the US, ERs are legally required to help you. Is this true for others? Your education in the US was free K-12 and loans were available for college. Is this true for others? Your water was always safe, your electricity always worked, your teachers always had college degrees and books for each child. Etc.

 

I think a lot is just handed to us in this country and that isn't true elsewhere. Sure, you still need some skin in the game to have a middle class life style in the US, but it is possible for most people to ascend to the middle class. I don't believe that is true everywhere.

[FO4UR]

I have earned everything that I have. Nothing has EVER been handed to me.

 

So why am I embarassed of my success?

 

 

 

 

...b/c the people you work with can say the same thing (in bold).

 

...b/c these people work just as hard, are just as human, have just as many needs, love their children just as much, have just as much integrity, and yet...

 

 

:grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

The good thing is that you feel bad about this. Some people would claim that you earned this vast divide. There is some truth to that, but it's not entirely true, and it's good that you see it. We all are best off when we acknowledge the role of grace in our lives.

 

I think that the best thing you can do is provide employment and act out what I am sure your beliefs are--treating everyone as having dignity, honoring them as people, being polite and kind in their homes. I would not hesitate to call for repairs--again, that is funding some employment for someone who really, really needs it. Don't drive hard bargains, but don't be a pushover, either.

 

Give to charity, and give up the guilt. Everyone is called to do their best with what they have. That's what you're doing. You should not let yourself be overwhelmed with guilt over your good fortune/blessings, anymore than you should kid yourself that you have completely earned them and that everyone belongs right where they are.

 

Two references: The Parable of the Talents, and a play called, "The Good Woman of Szechuan".

[Kathleen in VA]

Why does your heart hurt so much? Because you are a loving, caring person.

 

I don't have any answers - this same question has troubled me through the years and we're lower middle class. But LMC here in the US is rich compared to quite a bit of the world's population.

 

God has blessed you with situation and opportunity. He expects you to use those blessings to bless others. I don't think that means that you should feel guilty for them though. Just pray each day and ask Him to show you how to be that blessing.

 

Proverbs says something to the effect that if your neighbor asks for something and it is within your power to do it, then you should do it. And, of course, there is the story of the Good Samaritan. Who is your neighbor? Anyone you comes across your path, within your circle of influence, that is in need.

 

You cannot feed all the world's poor - you probably cannot afford to feed all the national staff at your school. But if you should become aware of a need and you are able to supply it, then you probably should. This reminds me of A Christmas Carol. Scrooge recalls how his boss Fezziwig threw a party for his employees and how little it cost him to provide a happy event for them. He thought of Bob Cratchit and then did what he could to help that one family. He probably helped his nephew financially as well. These were the folks in his circle of influence.

 

You also have to consider that these nationals may not feel the way you do about their situation. It may be fine with them to live the way they do. It's hard to really know about such things without just coming right out and asking. The thing is, you need to be sensitive to their sense of pride. Some may not want any help from you so you just need to be aware. Be open to the Spirit's leading. Be as generous as you can and don't feel guilty about your situation - just make the most of it.

[RachelFlores]

Do you think it is having to constantly face that working hard is not enough to make life "fair" that makes you uncomfortable? Where you are born and who you are born to makes more of a difference in your level of affluence than just about anything else. There are lots of exceptions, but they are exceptions and not the norm. I don't have any answers except that life is not fair, not in any way. I have faith that God will make things right, if not in this life, in the next. It is what keeps me going.

[simka2]

Have you watch Downton Abbey online. It's very interesting, and it has a very interesting take on the Lord's and the servants. It's set during a time when women were starting to get more right's but still didn't have many. It also illustrates some of the ways the individual family members help their personal maids. I couldn't help, but wonder where they would be without this particular family? Many of the servants were very grateful to be employed, but the family also didn't stand in the way of them bettering themselves...even if it ultimately meant they left their employment.

 

Is there anyway you can help those who work under you to become even better employed? then train up new employees. That would be doing even more with your position. Make sense?

[Heather in Neverland]

Why does your heart hurt so much? Because you are a loving, caring person.

 

I don't have any answers - this same question has troubled me through the years and we're lower middle class. But LMC here in the US is rich compared to quite a bit of the world's population.

 

God has blessed you with situation and opportunity. He expects you to use those blessings to bless others. I don't think that means that you should feel guilty for them though. Just pray each day and ask Him to show you how to be that blessing.

 

Proverbs says something to the effect that if your neighbor asks for something and it is within your power to do it, then you should do it. And, of course, there is the story of the Good Samaritan. Who is your neighbor? Anyone you comes across your path, within your circle of influence, that is in need.

 

You cannot feed all the world's poor - you probably cannot afford to feed all the national staff at your school. But if you should become aware of a need and you are able to supply it, then you probably should. This reminds me of A Christmas Carol. Scrooge recalls how his boss Fezziwig threw a party for his employees and how little it cost him to provide a happy event for them. He thought of Bob Cratchit and then did what he could to help that one family. He probably helped his nephew financially as well. These were the folks in his circle of influence.

 

You also have to consider that these nationals may not feel the way you do about their situation. It may be fine with them to live the way they do. It's hard to really know about such things without just coming right out and asking. The thing is, you need to be sensitive to their sense of pride. Some may not want any help from you so you just need to be aware. Be open to the Spirit's leading. Be as generous as you can and don't feel guilty about your situation - just make the most of it.

 

 

Can I just hire you to be my own personal conscience? :D

 

It is interesting the comment you make about helping your "neighbors" because you CAN. I had a conversation at work the other day with a co-worker. Her ahma needed some extra money for a family crisis she was having and asked her for money. My co-worker refused. She told me she didn't want to "encourage" that kind of behavior. :confused:

 

So then I am thinking I am this huge push-over because we give our ahma extra money all the time simply because we know she needs it. And then I thought "NO. We are blessed. We need to share that blessing."

 

I know part of it is because I see so much need everywhere I look and I just start feeling helpless and overwhelmed by it because I would fix it all if I could but I can't and .... sigh....

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I don't think that it's surprising to feel this difference in material condition keenly. Especially when you realize how little some of your colleagues and employees have in income or material wealth.

 

On the other hand, I think that it is worth considering how many families your position is supporting. What would your ahma be doing if she weren't working for you? Or the maintenance staff at the school?

 

For a couple years overseas, we had a housekeeper. She lived in a small apartment that would have probably fit in half of our upstairs. But I also know that the income she got working for us was a very welcome supplement to her husband's pension (and this was in a first world European country).

 

The friends I had who were living in Eastern Europe or Africa had staff that were even more dependent on their pay. One housekeeper was using the money she earned to pay university officials to keep her son in school and thus maintain his army deferment.

 

Our friends in Africa once mentioned that westerners that didn't have a staff were seen as selfish. After all, they could have easily been paying the salaries of a cook, housekeeper, driver, gardener, gardener's assistant and maybe even a guard. If they chose not to, they were keeping money out of the hands of a lot of people.

 

I think that your heart is good. I also think that it isn't wrong to be employing a staff on wages that are typical for that area.

 

Having said that, I do think that it is often the case that NGOs will have expat staff that aren't particularly useful but who are living quite lavish lifestyles. (For example, the account of local government and UN related NGO officials in The Sex Lives of Cannibals comes to mind.)

[Heather in Neverland]

[quote=simka2;2396031

Is there anyway you can help those who work under you to become even better employed? then train up new employees. That would be doing even more with your position. Make sense?

 

OK...this might sound crazy but I have wondered if my ahma would like to learn to read. She can speak 4 languages but she can't read any of them as she didn't go to school. I wonder if she would like to learn to read English as skills in English are very big "plus" in this country. But I just can't figure out how to ask her without offending her.

[kamom]

We were faced with similar struggles but were not brave or willing enough to take the plunge of.....um...stepping down.

 

I don't know how to say this, but the long and the short of it is God saw our hearts, and arranged our circumstances to kind of push us that way, to lessen the gap.

 

Life isn't fair, we do have all sorts of opportunities to help those less fortunate. Do what you can and then give up the guilt.

[simka2]

OK...this might sound crazy but I have wondered if my ahma would like to learn to read. She can speak 4 languages but she can't read any of them as she didn't go to school. I wonder if she would like to learn to read English as skills in English are very big "plus" in this country. But I just can't figure out how to ask her without offending her.

 

 

That sounds like a wonderful idea! Maybe you could do a "small" class, and invite her as part of a group...like 2 or 3. That way she's not alone ;).

[Nan in Mass]

Because you are Christian? Not that that really has anything to do with it, because afterall, suddenly seeig those disparities is what made Buddha found Buddhism, and all the major religions, as far as I know, require one to be compassionate and help others less fortunate than yourself.

I think Nadia is right. At this point, now that you have noticed, you either "get over it" and accept that the world is just like this, or you try to change the world. In my sort of Christianity, you are required at this point to try your mightiest to change the world, and that is probably going to mean making some major sacrifices in your life, but I don't know about your sort. One of the reasons that we go to church is to show our children that other people are also working hard to be good and change the world. Our minister is perfect for that because he lives very modestly and gives everything else away. He also gives freely of his time to the community. I wish our family were better at emulating him, or the peace monks and works we know. Unfortunately, as a mother, you are sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place as far as living poorly and giving freely of your time. Sigh. I still haven't really figured that one out. And the money my husband makes working hard can do many good things for the community, and it took money to get him into a position that allows him to make that money now. I guess what I am trying to say is that at this point, you need to think about what you have and what you do with your free (ha - busy mother) time, and figure out which bits are important and helpful to your family (family stability is important) and the community, and think about what you want to do with the rest. Perhaps consciously going through the assessment process will ease your feelings.

 

It takes wisdom to change your community and the world, too. It might be helpful to give someone less fortunate your minivan, but then again, it might do more harm than good.

 

There is a fine line to be walked between making your children feel so deprived that they won't turn out good, and making your children feel like part of a force that is changing the world. I think community makes a big difference here. It is hard (I know from experience) to raise your children with less than other people without a community of other families who are doing the same thing for similar reasons.

 

I don't mean to imply that you don't know any of this and that you aren't already doing many good things. I just know that this is an issue that I have struggled with all my life. So has about half my church. It is one of the main puzzles involved with being Christian, if you ask me - how you give a man your coat, too (or whatever the story is), but not do that man more harm than good and not do you family more harm than good. I can't see how any Christian ever can justify being rich but that might just be my ignorance. Just know that you aren't alone in this struggle : ). I am sure many, many people, of all religions, struggle with this.

-Nan

[Mergath]

I think a lot is just handed to us in this country and that isn't true elsewhere. Sure, you still need some skin in the game to have a middle class life style in the US, but it is possible for most people to ascend to the middle class. I don't believe that is true everywhere.

 

Exactly. Almost everything in life is doled out according to the accident of birth, and most Americans just don't realize that. They think that because they work their forty or so hours a week and stay out of trouble, they've somehow earned the right to have a standard of living that is multiple times higher than most of the world, ignoring the fact that most people living in poverty worldwide work even harder, and get far, far less.

 

Right now, we're making under 20k a year, which in the US is considered pretty much destitute. And I'm grateful for every dollar, because I've seen with my own eyes how the truly poor live. This is not poverty. Not even close. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not the least bit bothered by not being able to afford gas one week and having to walk everywhere, for example, because I have a stroller for my dd, nice sidewalks to walk on, and know that I'll make it to the grocery store and back without being killed or raped. Many people in the world don't have that luxury.

 

I'm sorry, op, if you posted this hoping that everyone would make you feel better, but the truth is that you feel bad because life is horribly unfair, and you have so much more not because you've earned it, but because of sheer luck. More of us should be aware enough to feel bad about it.

Edited February 3, 2011 by Mergath

[Dawn in OH]

...b/c the people you work with can say the same thing (in bold).

 

...b/c these people work just as hard, are just as human, have just as many needs, love their children just as much, have just as much integrity, and yet...

 

 

:grouphug:

 

In addition to the above, you are a good person. A lot of people have far more than others, and don't give it a thought. They would say that the have-nots just didn't work hard enough. Or want it enough. Or are even oblivious to the fact that other people don't have what they have.

[ElizabethB]

OK...this might sound crazy but I have wondered if my ahma would like to learn to read. She can speak 4 languages but she can't read any of them as she didn't go to school. I wonder if she would like to learn to read English as skills in English are very big "plus" in this country. But I just can't figure out how to ask her without offending her.

 

That is a great idea!

 

And, I have a good plan. You do not ask her, you tell her that you need her to be able to read to your children as part of her employment duties and that you will work with her a bit each day so that she can be trained to do this.

 

You could then ask if she knew anyone who wanted to learn with her so they could practice together.

[mazakaal]

Maybe you could petition the school board to increase the salaries of the native workers. I don't expect that they would bring them up to the same salary that you have, because they don't have to factor international flights into their budget when they want to go home to see family, and because they don't have the same training or skills that you have, but could you point out that these people should be earning a living wage?

 

And are you paying your ahma a reasonable wage or are you paying her what everyone else pays their ahma? We lived in SA for only a few months, but when we hired a housekeeper to come in once a week, I paid her what I would expect to be a reasonable wage for a half-days work. I like the idea of you teaching her to read also.

 

It's good that you're thinking about these things. Wish I had more time to write, but I'm off out now.

[Crimson Wife]

As Christians, we *SHOULD* be bothered by all the poverty in the world. See Matthew 25:31-46. This is why I feel so strongly about living a life of "voluntary simplicity". I don't want to be called before Jesus when my life here is over and have to try to justify owning multiple luxury vehicles when so many others are stuck riding the kind of awful mass transit you describe...

[Heather in Neverland]

I'm sorry, op, if you posted this hoping that everyone would make you feel better,

 

No. That is not why I posted.

[texasmama]

Your heart hurts because you care. God has put these people on your heart. In America, we experience the same issue, of course, just not quite so "in your face" as you do. I won't feel guilty about what I have (or may have in the future), but I will always take quite seriously the stewardship involved with "having". I have been a "have not", so I understand, but I was never without resources for extended periods of time like many people are. It sounds like you are in a position to give to others in tangible ways that would bless them. They bless you with their persistence in the face of poverty. You bless them with some material things. You can do it anonymously if that is possible and feels better to you. We are all just "pass through vessels" of what we have been gifted with anyway, including health, intelligence, abilities, finances, time, etc. Eveyrone has something to give that someone else needs.

 

I have been pondering lately that we ARE our brothers' keeper. We are responsible to help and love people, even those who are strangers. Here is a song for you:

 

 

Interview with Matt Maher on the origin of the song:

 

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Believe me, I feel the same way, often, even reading these boards. I don't have to worry about cutting down my grocery bill or not buying the curriculum I want or any of these things, at the moment. One of my sisters is hosting a young boy from Haiti while he is here having surgery on his eye. He and his mother came to our house in the summer to swim in our pool. I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable to have so much when I know exactly how little they have. What must have been going on in this woman's mind as she sat on our patio, watching her son splash in our pool, and all of us eating and drinking the abundant food we have available? It really isn't fair.

 

One of the reasons I married dh, is that he is the most generous person I've ever met. He makes a good living, but we don't really have much savings because he supports several family members, gives money away to people at work who are struggling, and donates to many causes. You can choose to feel guilty and embarrassed, or you can be thankful for your good fortune and use it to help as many others as possible. That's how I see it. You can also work to change the structures of society that promotes a great divide between the haves and the have-nots. I don't know you, but just the fact that you are thinking about these things shows that you are a caring and just person, and I'm sure the people you work with can see that.

[Heather in Neverland]

And are you paying your ahma a reasonable wage or are you paying her what everyone else pays their ahma? .

 

 

Ugh. I forgot about that one too... We actually pay her twice as much as most ahmas make and several people were MAD at us for it! Like if other ahmas find out what she makes then they will want more money too. I am serious... people were genuinely mad at us.

 

I guess some of this IS me learning, up close and personal, just how lucky Americans truly are to have so many opportunities that others in the world don't have. These people DO work hard...very very hard...and they love, and laugh, and live just like we do... and realizing that just being born in America gives you this HUGE head start on the rest of the world is a tough pill to swallow.

 

Sometimes the truth really DOES hurt.

[jld]

It's all really horribly unfair, and wrong. And how it is.

 

When we first moved to India, I wanted to double our helper's wages, but dh told me the local mafia would find out and beat her up, and we would lose her. So you can't always help as much as you would like.

 

The important thing, as others have said, is that you realize how accident of birth determines almost everything in our lives. Most of us have an awful lot to be grateful for, and not very much to be prideful about. There but for the grace of God go I, and all that.

 

And I think "rich Christian" is an oxymoron.:D

[texasmama]

Sometimes the truth really DOES hurt.

 

I believe that it's supposed to.:grouphug:

 

Have you read Francis Chan's "Crazy Love". It talks a lot about asking God at what level he wants you to live...and giving away the rest.

[KristinaBreece]

Why does it embarass me to have so much when others I know and care about have so little?

 

Why do I worry so much that these people must think us expats are all just... over privileged?

 

Why does my heart hurt so much?

 

1. Because you have a heart.

 

2. Because Americans are over privileged. (Not just you specifically... all of us in general.) We're whining a

 

3. Because we're taught that working hard will get us where we want to go. We're given enough support and enough opportunities that virtually guarantee that hard work will put us ahead in life. And it offends your sense of fair play to know that this doesn't hold true for everyone. Some people will work hard their entire lives and never have anything close to what a "poor" American family has.

 

Over here, we are all whining about what we're "giving up" because of this recession. In reality, we're still doing better than most of the world.

[Scarlett]

WHY do I feel this way? I have worked hard, gone to college. I have three degrees. I have worked my way up the ladder. Dh can say the same. I have earned everything that I have. Nothing has EVER been handed to me.

 

So why am I embarassed of my success?

 

Why does it embarass me to have so much when others I know and care about have so little?

 

Why do I worry so much that these people must think us expats are all just... over privileged?

 

Why does my heart hurt so much?

 

You feel this way Heather because you see the injustice of it. Sure you've worked hard, but don't they also work hard? You've had opportunities they will never have. That isn't your fault and your don't have to feel like you are responsible for the injustices in the world.

 

You are a very good person Heather. Don't beat yourself up.

[Nan in Mass]

What a good idea! Just make sure she doesn't think herself less desirable because she can't do this now. I would think you could phrase it fairly carefully and make it work. Stand on your high spot and pull as many people up to stand there with you. : )

[Haiku]

Nothing has EVER been handed to me.

 

Not true. You are white and grew up in a developed country. You didn't earn those things.

 

So why am I embarassed of my success?

 

Maybe I am way off base, but perhaps you aren't embarrassed of your success so much as you are uncomfortable with the fact that other people work just as hard as you do, if not harder, and get much less for it because they are not in the same social position you are.

 

Why does it embarass me to have so much when others I know and care about have so little?

 

Because you care about people!!

 

Why does my heart hurt so much?

 

Because you have one, my dear ...

 

Tara

[Osmosis Mom]

Well, since everyone is getting all religious (perhaps righteous so due to the topic), then let me budge in and give Islam's perspective on social differences. In Islam the rich is going to be tested *more* than the poor in the sense that being poor in itself gives you less of an option and life is on its own harder. You are requested to be patient and work and not use begging albeit we have a strong sense of charity in Islam (that is given privately and preferably not to beggers). Rich will be tested more just like a healthy, young person coming to Islam will be tested more than an older person converting fx. You have it all and need to find the place to share/work/ do for the sake of God. Meaning anything you do can be for the sake of God as long as your intention is so.

 

Real quick, as Muslims then we are required to first look after ourselves, then our nuclear family, then neighbours, and then the greater society. In terms of being God-fearing and imparting knowledge, giving gifts, food, etc. etc. So, if my neighbour is hungry, then, yes, I would be held accountable.

 

BTW, teaching your ahma to read sounds like the biggest gift you could give her. Ever.

[FaithManor]

My parents were in your position when they lived in Africa. They really wanted to do more for their ground's keeper (especially since this man and his dog kept the poisonous snakes off the property and disposed of many a scorpion's nest) but they found out that if they gave him more money than the average for the neighborhood, his brother's came and beat him up for it! If they did more than give some food to his wife, the women in her family would attack her. The culture itself made it very difficult for them to help him.

 

But, they did discover that they could gift some things to him very quietly and pay for his schooling. He was able to go to a school that taught basic electrical wiring. It allowed him to get a good job with the government. They also paid tuition to the mission school for his children. These were things his brothers couldn't take away and after a while, they left him alone since there was no extra money to confiscate. It bothered them so much that the confines of the culture prevented them from doing more for his wife and children. They were thrilled though, when he graduated from his technical school and got the better job. They hired another ground's keeper and began to look at ways to help him.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Faith

[mommaduck]

(((hugs))) I don't have much I can say. I do remember as a military brat on a church bus, coming from my nice (though modest) concrete and air conditioned home to pick up kids that lived in the boonies, in concrete block homes with tin roofs and the same slatted windows that our schools had (no glass).

[Nan in Mass]

: )

I was hoping you would explain Islam's stance. Obviously, it isn't essentially different than the other major religions, but the details sometimes do differ. The concentric circles idea is a nice one. Very straight forward and helpful. My Dad always says, "Charity begins at home." so I guess the same idea permiates Christianity, but it isn't spelled out quite so simply.

-nan

[mommaduck]

Not true. You are white and grew up in a developed country. You didn't earn those things.

 

 

 

Maybe I am way off base, but perhaps you aren't embarrassed of your success so much as you are uncomfortable with the fact that other people work just as hard as you do, if not harder, and get much less for it because they are not in the same social position you are.

 

 

 

Because you care about people!!

 

 

 

Because you have one, my dear ...

 

Tara

 

:iagree: This says it all.

[KidsHappen]

I kind of unerstand. I am physically incapable of cleaning my house (more than just the most rudimentary things) and yet I just can't bring myself to pay someone else to clean up after me. It has nothing to do with whether I can afford it or not but more to do with the idea that I feel bad that I would be in a position to do so and that someone else would be in a position to have to. I have struggled with this for quite a long time and as there becomes more and more things I can't do and will probably need others to do for me, it gets worse and worse.

 

I lived in Asia for three years and we had all sorts of cheap help but it didn't bother me at the time because I was really too young to give it much thought and really appreciate the differences. Although I was always very generous with paying and providing for our care.

Edited February 4, 2011 by KidsHappen

[T'smom]

I agree with a lot of the things that have been said so far, but they've already been said so I won't repeat them! But, y'know they may not feel as bad as you think. If you were to visit Bill Gates or the Hiltons, would you start feeling bad that you didn't have everything they have? I think it's different when everyone around you has something that you don't have- if you are riding the bus and everyone you know has a car- but when all your friends and family are riding the bus and only the "nice foreign family" has a car. They probably aren't thinking much about it at all. It's too far from their experience. A PP talked about a family from Haiti (was it Haiti?) that was visiting and swimming in their pool and wondering what the mom was thinking.....I'm sure she was thinking "wow, this is cool" and comparing the different cultures, etc. But I doubt she was feeling bad about herself. If I was to visit some really rich person like the Gates or the Hiltons.....sure, I'd be wowing over things that they have; but that would be the end of it. I wouldn't be feeling sorry for myself.

[lauranc]

Exactly. Almost everything in life is doled out according to the accident of birth, and most Americans just don't realize that. They think that because they work their forty or so hours a week and stay out of trouble, they've somehow earned the right to have a standard of living that is multiple times higher than most of the world, ignoring the fact that most people living in poverty worldwide work even harder, and get far, far less.

 

 

I'm sorry, op, if you posted this hoping that everyone would make you feel better, but the truth is that you feel bad because life is horribly unfair, and you have so much more not because you've earned it, but because of sheer luck. More of us should be aware enough to feel bad about it.

 

(bolding mine) I wholeheartedly agree with this.

[stripe]

I knd of unerstand. I am physically incapable of cleaning my house (more than just the most rudimentary things) and yet I just can't bring myself to pay someone else to clean up after me.

I have the same discomfort with servants and maids, cleaning people, cooks, clothes washers and so on.

 

On the other hand, for someone who may be able to have other employment, having a decent job without being abused by cleaning someone's house or cooking for them is actually a really huge help.

 

There is nothing dishonorable about being a maid or cook or driver.

 

Treating them with respect instead of rudely honors the work they do and the assistance they provide your family.

 

And maybe it's time to raise the wages of staff workers there or offer additional compensation for things like family members' education, health care costs, housing, or food.

[Catherine]

I wonder if it's simply that your own reasoning has been challenged. It worked fine when you lived in the USA. Knowing, seeing, experiencing real poverty and injustice is different. If you are motivated to think again about your assumptions, I don't consider that a bad thing. I hope you will read this in the spirit it was intended-I'm not suggesting that you are a bad person or have suspect motives, but that you did not truly understand some places, people and lives until you saw them firsthand. Rethinking under those circumstances shows you are a caring and thoughtful person.

[secular_mom]

could you talk the school into buying a carpool van for the workers?

[Guest Dulcimeramy]

Heather, be Queen Esther. Figure out why God picked you to be the beautiful, smart, rich, Christian lady in Malaysia in 2011.

 

It is as simple as that.

 

I always wanted to be Lady Bountiful. It was the surprise of my life when God called me to 'voluntary simplicity' instead! I fought with Him over it. I became a blackbelt tightwad, having enough to provide for my family and to share lots and lots. Every time I got to that place, He took my extra money away again. Over and over! We had so many calamities! I won't enumerate the trials here, but I felt like Job.

 

Still I insisted that helping the poor was my calling. I tried and tried to get in on charitable ministry opportunities, anything to help people who were as poor as I have been and poorer. Every time I found some way to give to the poor, a huge obstacle at home stopped me.

 

Finally, to finish me off, God informed me that all four of my children have celiac disease and their food will cost 3x the budget. The recession has made it so that DH has not worked a full week in a long, long time. All those tightwad skills would go for our own survival alone.

 

I have had to stop weeping for the poor. I have had to acknowledge, "Lord, it is not your will for me to alleviate the suffering of those in need. What is your will? Thy will, not mine."

 

The answer has been so clear. He wanted me to learn to love Him more, and I have learned that beautiful lesson. That was the main thing: slow down, be happy, and love Him. Give us this day our daily bread. My blessings from Him do not tangibly reach into the future. There is no security other than blessed Trust that the manna will always rain down in the wilderness for me.

 

As far as my work as a Christian wife and mother, He has made that clear, as well.

 

He wants this girl from the trailer park who grew up with no running water and slept on the floor....to classically educate her four sons. And I am doing it! He wants this girl from a home framed by mental illness to raise four amazingly talented sons to His glory, and He will raise them up.

 

And when I am done with this task, I believe He would have me open a Charlotte Mason/classical/Christian school for lower middle class children. I think about that all the time, and I am preparing for it.

 

If He called you to be Lady Bountiful, whether with your time, brains, or money, God Be Praised. Be that person. Those of us who would have chosen that calling for ourselves are happy for you, and so pleased that you care so much.

 

If He only needed you to expand your mind a little, share a little more, love a little more, teach your children more compassion...that is still enough of a reason to have blessed you with material things beyond all measure.

 

Count your blessings for what they are: gifts from God. He blessed you with so many gifts. In the midst of your questions about what it all means and what you should do, I hope you notice that you are His daughter and He loves you. It is not wrong to be rich and beautiful and smart, because those things come from Him.

Edited February 3, 2011 by Dulcimeramy

[sadiegirl]

:iagree:

The good thing is that you feel bad about this. Some people would claim that you earned this vast divide. There is some truth to that, but it's not entirely true, and it's good that you see it. We all are best off when we acknowledge the role of grace in our lives.

 

I think that the best thing you can do is provide employment and act out what I am sure your beliefs are--treating everyone as having dignity, honoring them as people, being polite and kind in their homes. I would not hesitate to call for repairs--again, that is funding some employment for someone who really, really needs it. Don't drive hard bargains, but don't be a pushover, either.

 

Give to charity, and give up the guilt. Everyone is called to do their best with what they have. That's what you're doing. You should not let yourself be overwhelmed with guilt over your good fortune/blessings, anymore than you should kid yourself that you have completely earned them and that everyone belongs right where they are.

 

Two references: The Parable of the Talents, and a play called, "The Good Woman of Szechuan".

[duckabell]

I recently read In a Hearbeat which is written by the family in Blind Side about their philosophy for giving. One thing that struck out to me was their popcorn theory. Essentially knowing that they couldn't save the world they decided to help those who "popped" into their lives and their need was right in front of their face. They knew they couldn't help everyone but they could help those within their circle of influence.

 

This truly is a difficult subject, but thanks for bringing it up.

[laughing lioness]

Why? I think it's because justice is woven into the heart of God. You are being confronted, in living color, with the injustices of the world and as you draw closer to Him, you are privilaged to experience His joy and His heartache.

I think, often, that we don't really know what we've been saved from. I started reading the book that the movie, "Precious" is based on. I stopped. It is so full of vile filth. It is so full of abuse and hurt. I know that I've been saved from that life, through nothing that I did. I was born to middle class white suburban dwellers who both earned doctoral degrees. The injustice of Precious' life troubled me so much I could not even read it (the language was disturbing, but the abuse far more so).

 

My dh and I work very hard. Harder than many of the people we know in our same age/social economic status. We haven't had a lot of the freebies thrown in our path like we have seen others get (including our siblings). But when I watch movies like Slumdog or read Precious or read about Mother Teresa's work or allow myself to be touched by others experiences I know that my kids will NEVER be confronted with being orphans, or illiteracy or a host of other things. And it is by the grace of God.

 

So, how does one respond in a meaninful way? Perhaps God is asking you to give your car to a co-worker and take the bus in their place? Adopt a baby :001_smile:. I don't have the answer (and am struggling with the same thing) but I do know that we are called to "work out our faith with fear and trembling." I think the verb WORK is aprophos.

[Kathleen in VA]

Heather, be Queen Esther. Figure out why God picked you to be the beautiful, smart, rich, Christian lady in Malaysia in 2011.

 

It is as simple as that.

 

I always wanted to be Lady Bountiful. It was the surprise of my life when God called me to 'voluntary simplicity' instead! I fought with Him over it. I became a blackbelt tightwad, having enough to provide for my family and to share lots and lots. Every time I got to that place, He took my extra money away again. Over and over! We had so many calamities! I won't enumerate the trials here, but I felt like Job.

 

Still I insisted that helping the poor was my calling. I tried and tried to get in on charitable ministry opportunities, anything to help people who were as poor as I have been and poorer. Every time I found some way to give to the poor, a huge obstacle at home stopped me.

 

Finally, to finish me off, God informed me that all four of my children have celiac disease and their food will cost 3x the budget. The recession has made it so that DH has not worked a full week in a long, long time. All those tightwad skills would go for our own survival alone.

 

I have had to stop weeping for the poor. I have had to acknowledge, "Lord, it is not your will for me to alleviate the suffering of those in need. What is your will? Thy will, not mine."

 

The answer has been so clear. He wanted me to learn to love Him more, and I have learned that beautiful lesson. That was the main thing: slow down, be happy, and love Him. Give us this day our daily bread. My blessings from Him do not tangibly reach into the future. There is no security other than blessed Trust that the manna will always rain down in the wilderness for me.

 

As far as my work as a Christian wife and mother, He has made that clear, as well.

 

He wants this girl from the trailer park who grew up with no running water and slept on the floor....to classically educate her four sons. And I am doing it! He wants this girl from a home framed by mental illness to raise four amazingly talented sons to His glory, and He will raise them up.

 

And when I am done with this task, I believe He would have me open a Charlotte Mason/classical/Christian school for lower middle class children. I think about that all the time, and I am preparing for it.

 

If He called you to be Lady Bountiful, whether with your time, brains, or money, God Be Praised. Be that person. Those of us who would have chosen that calling for ourselves are happy for you, and so pleased that you care so much.

 

If He only needed you to expand your mind a little, share a little more, love a little more, teach your children more compassion...that is still enough of a reason to have blessed you with material things beyond all measure.

 

Count your blessings for what they are: gifts from God. He blessed you with so many gifts. In the midst of your questions about what it all means and what you should do, I hope you notice that you are His daughter and He loves you. It is not wrong to be rich and beautiful and smart, because those things come from Him.

 

Love this! Beautiful!

 

I recently read In a Hearbeat which is written by the family in Blind Side about their philosophy for giving. One thing that struck out to me was their popcorn theory. Essentially knowing that they couldn't save the world they decided to help those who "popped" into their lives and their need was right in front of their face. They knew they couldn't help everyone but they could help those within their circle of influence.

 

This truly is a difficult subject, but thanks for bringing it up.

 

Exactly!

[Plucky]

I recently read In a Hearbeat which is written by the family in Blind Side about their philosophy for giving. One thing that struck out to me was their popcorn theory. Essentially knowing that they couldn't save the world they decided to help those who "popped" into their lives and their need was right in front of their face. They knew they couldn't help everyone but they could help those within their circle of influence.

 

This truly is a difficult subject, but thanks for bringing it up.

 

I haven't seen this movie, but I definitely agree with the idea of helping the people who enter your life. In Heather's situation she may be able to make some changes that will affect a lot of people. It's very exciting.

[Hockey Mom]

Heather, be Queen Esther. Figure out why God picked you to be the beautiful, smart, rich, Christian lady in Malaysia in 2011.

 

It is as simple as that.

 

I always wanted to be Lady Bountiful. It was the surprise of my life when God called me to 'voluntary simplicity' instead! I fought with Him over it. I became a blackbelt tightwad, having enough to provide for my family and to share lots and lots. Every time I got to that place, He took my extra money away again. Over and over! We had so many calamities! I won't enumerate the trials here, but I felt like Job.

 

Still I insisted that helping the poor was my calling. I tried and tried to get in on charitable ministry opportunities, anything to help people who were as poor as I have been and poorer. Every time I found some way to give to the poor, a huge obstacle at home stopped me.

 

Finally, to finish me off, God informed me that all four of my children have celiac disease and their food will cost 3x the budget. The recession has made it so that DH has not worked a full week in a long, long time. All those tightwad skills would go for our own survival alone.

 

I have had to stop weeping for the poor. I have had to acknowledge, "Lord, it is not your will for me to alleviate the suffering of those in need. What is your will? Thy will, not mine."

 

The answer has been so clear. He wanted me to learn to love Him more, and I have learned that beautiful lesson. That was the main thing: slow down, be happy, and love Him. Give us this day our daily bread. My blessings from Him do not tangibly reach into the future. There is no security other than blessed Trust that the manna will always rain down in the wilderness for me.

 

As far as my work as a Christian wife and mother, He has made that clear, as well.

 

He wants this girl from the trailer park who grew up with no running water and slept on the floor....to classically educate her four sons. And I am doing it! He wants this girl from a home framed by mental illness to raise four amazingly talented sons to His glory, and He will raise them up.

 

And when I am done with this task, I believe He would have me open a Charlotte Mason/classical/Christian school for lower middle class children. I think about that all the time, and I am preparing for it.

 

If He called you to be Lady Bountiful, whether with your time, brains, or money, God Be Praised. Be that person. Those of us who would have chosen that calling for ourselves are happy for you, and so pleased that you care so much.

 

If He only needed you to expand your mind a little, share a little more, love a little more, teach your children more compassion...that is still enough of a reason to have blessed you with material things beyond all measure.

 

Count your blessings for what they are: gifts from God. He blessed you with so many gifts. In the midst of your questions about what it all means and what you should do, I hope you notice that you are His daughter and He loves you. It is not wrong to be rich and beautiful and smart, because those things come from Him.

 

Wow! I am blown away by this! Thank you so much for posting this. :)