********* Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 My older sister, to whom I donated a kidney ten years ago, has not spoken to me in a year and a half because my personal convictions would not allow me to attend her wedding to a second husband. She has been in a nearby university hospital for over two weeks, and just allowed my mother to tell me two days ago. She is in ICU. Many, major complications from her kidney failure/medications. Too much to go into. They are very serious and life threatening. She may die. Or she may go home in a week. They just don't know. My younger sister, who big sis has also cut out of her life, was going to travel with me to visit her this evening. That is, until my mother (who was *trying* to be helpful, bless her) called sis's husband and told him to expect us. Sis texted me not to come (or rather, I suspect sis's husband texted me from sis's phone, since she's not in any shape to text). I know my sister. If I now make the drive there, she will not allow me in her room, since she told me not to come. I keep swinging between sobbing and being furious. My mom feels terrible, and just doesn't know what to do. Mom and I both know that if she pushes sis on this, sis will cut her off too. Then none of us will know what's happening with her. Right now, all I have is the info that my mom calls me with to update me whenever she hears new news. I don't know what to do. I love my sister. I don't want her to die. I need to see her. But she won't let me. I'm just crushed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug: Text back you love her and don't want her to die. Maybe her dh will read it and allow you to visit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duckens Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I am heartbroken for you, as I am sure anyone reading this is. :grouphug: to you and everyone else involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug: Text back you love her and don't want her to die. Maybe her dh will read it and allow you to visit. I tried. I got a carbon copy of the first message he sent. It just read 'No visitors please'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Oh my goodness, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Praying for a happy ending. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am so sorry. :grouphug: Text back you love her and don't want her to die. Maybe her dh will read it and allow you to visit. ITA. Also, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from just going and sitting in the hallway outside her room, whether she wanted me to or not. I'd need to be nearby in some capacity, even if I wasn't right at her side. That may or may not be the right thing, but I'd probably do it anyway, because I don't think I could forgive myself if something happened and I wasn't close enough to be right there at the end. My heart goes out to all of you :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am sorry you guys are in so much pain. I will keep your sister in my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I tried. I got a carbon copy of the first message he sent. It just read 'No visitors please'. So is noone visiting? If it's "No visitors" I would respect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am so sorry. ITA. Also, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from just going and sitting in the hallway outside her room, whether she wanted me to or not. I'd need to be nearby in some capacity, even if I wasn't right at her side. That may or may not be the right thing, but I'd probably do it anyway, because I don't think I could forgive myself if something happened and I wasn't close enough to be right there at the end. This is what I *want* to do. My mom says she will call if sis takes a bad turn, and I should be there. I believe that if all the family is called to see her because it doesn't look good, I will then be allowed in. I hope. I pray. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug: Text back you love her and don't want her to die. Maybe her dh will read it and allow you to visit. :iagree: I say this very gently: aren't your personal convictions for you alone? If I were your sister and you didn't attend my wedding, I would be so crushed beyond words. Having been a religious person myself (and still questioning whether or not I still am) I can say that my convictions were for ME alone. God convicts EVERYONE differently. Is your sister even a believer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 :iagree: I say this very gently: aren't your personal convictions for you alone? If I were your sister and you didn't attend my wedding, I would be so crushed beyond words. Having been a religious person myself (and still questioning whether or not I still am) I can say that my convictions were for ME alone. God convicts EVERYONE differently. Is your sister even a believer? Of course my convictions are for me. And my convictions did not allow me to celebrate her remarriage. I'm not pretending that I don't understand why she is hurt. And I know she won't let me see her to hurt me back. I get it. But none of that is going to matter if my sister dies, now will it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 fwiw, when my dear father in law was dying, my dmil told everyone "no visitors". only one person came anyway. dfil was sooooo happy to see him.... even though it was someone he had cut out of his life due to that person's choices. so if you know for a fact that dsil said that, that is one thing. if you think it might be your bil, then that may be something else instead. one thing you might do is call the hospital chaplain or social work office and ask them what they would suggest you do. :grouphug: ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 So is noone visiting? If it's "No visitors" I would respect that. Uh, no. My parents and even my uncle were allowed to see her. That was his politically correct way of saying 'YOU may not visit'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug: I'm so sorry, Bethany. I have 2 sisters, and I know you must ache because of this. Praying for both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Of course my convictions are for me. And my convictions did not allow me to celebrate her remarriage. I'm not pretending that I don't understand why she is hurt. And I know she won't let me see her to hurt me back. I get it. But none of that is going to matter if my sister dies, now will it? no, it won't, but I still agree that sending her a text and telling her you are sorry she's sick and hope she recovers soon, or what ever you want to say, is at least letting her know you care. She MUST already know that, but at least she knows you're thinking of her right now. Heck, why not even tell her how you feel? You're so sad that she's sick and you can't see her but that you're praying for her (if that won't offend her. If it will, maybe pray silently?) and please let you know if she changes her mind and you can come see her, etc. Maybe, though, she's just feeling SO sick she doesn't want to see you because she is afraid to do so after so much time? If you let her know how you feel, maybe it will break down walls. I don't know. I'm sorry - I'm rambling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarcyB Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 And are you even sure that it's your sister's wishes and not her husband's? I'd go..be there for the family..don't expect to be invited in..but be there for you and yourself. Don't be intrusive, and explain you don't want an announcement about it, but be there with family if you feel you need to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkle Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I'm so sorry. I hope your sister changes her mind. I'd probably be at the hospital just in case :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 if you went there it may (or may not) cause more stress/issues. I had to face this with my parents. My sister was not speaking with my dad, whom stayed at mom's bedside when she was sick for awhile, and yet felt she could barge in anytime she wanted. My sister is very, very difficult and lives by her own rules. While your situation is different, you going there may not be received well. Do you think your sister would be angry with your mother if you wrote a letter to your sister and your mother delivered it, perhaps with some home made food for both her and her husband, flowers, or a little gift? I think that your sister needs to know how you feel about her (wedding aside) and I think you need to know that SHE knows this just in case she does die. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
simka2 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Many years ago my mother gave me a beautiful painting. I was in ministry and in my esteem my mother was "pagan." I loved that painting, but due to a bible study in our church on "spiritual house cleaning" where it was suggested that any gifts given by pagans should be gotten rid of...ie burned, I did. I burned that beautiful painting. 6 months later and inspite of my convictions, my mother encountered a vary grace filled person who introduced her to much more loveing Jesus than the one I knew. About 6 months after that, it was my mom who picked up the pieces of my broken religious heart, and reintroduced me to a Jesus who loves. Now, I live with shame of what my convictions led me to. I would do anything to go back and have that painting. I was wrong...it was a gift of love. And where there is LOVE...there is God. I guess I'm telling you this to say, "Here is someone who did something in the name of 'conviction' and I was wrong." There are some convictions worth standing on...some aren't. Love covers a multitude of sins. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 And are you even sure that it's your sister's wishes and not her husband's? I'd go..be there for the family..don't expect to be invited in..but be there for you and yourself. Don't be intrusive, and explain you don't want an announcement about it, but be there with family if you feel you need to. I am also wondering this - just trying to clarify - is bil speaking for both of them, or did sis actually say not to come? (Sorry if it's just me not understanding.) If it were just him, I think I'd make the trip anyway. At leat you would always know you did your part, even if you don't get to see her. :grouphug: What a difficult situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LG Gone Wild Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 That's terrible and spiteful (of the husband). :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug:Have you asked God for wisdom? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug: If you are sure that she truly does not want you there - then don't go. Don't make her last days any more uncomfortable or stressed or whatever than they already have to be. I'd send some flowers and a card saying you love her, miss her, and hope to see her again. Then pray for God's will. If you think others are acting like gatekeepers against her wishes, then I'd go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Of course my convictions are for me. And my convictions did not allow me to celebrate her remarriage. I'm not pretending that I don't understand why she is hurt. And I know she won't let me see her to hurt me back. I get it. But none of that is going to matter if my sister dies, now will it? :grouphug: Please consider addressing the root of the problem so that reconciliation can take place before she dies (if that could truly be an outcome here). I think there will be a lot of regret if she passes away with this unsolved. I understand convictions, and your freedom to make a choice. But -- and I realize I say this not knowing the specifics, and I hope I say it gently -- your convictions are for YOU and YOUR choices. With your convictions, you shouldn't get married (if the opportunity ever presents itself) in the way she did. But your convictions are not for others, and she was under no obligation to go along with them. Standing against her in that way could be defined as judgment, you know? I'm writing this hoping an "I'm sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me?" can be offered. And believe me, I know hard this can be when you feel so right. I've been in a similar situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebug42 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I am so sorry that you are hurting. Last year, when it became evident to us that my Dad was dying, he wanted no one else there but his children, grandchildren and my Mom. He adamantly did not want us to notify his siblings or other family. Some were very upset afterwards that they were not given the chance to say good-bye but that is the way Dad wanted it and it was his death. We respected what he wanted. I know it is so hard but I would respect her wishes. Is there a church open somewhere that you could maybe find a quiet place to pray? Perhaps that could help you find some peace. If yours is not open, hospital chapels are usually open. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joyofsixreboot Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug: So sorry that she can't see what she's missing and sorry for your hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abreakfromlife Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 What a tough, awful situation. :sad::( It sounds like her sister has a problem with more than just OP, tho, if her other sister is cut off, and their mom is afraid to be cut off, too. What a sad thing to deal with tho. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) And are you even sure that it's your sister's wishes and not her husband's? I'd go..be there for the family..don't expect to be invited in..but be there for you and yourself. Don't be intrusive, and explain you don't want an announcement about it, but be there with family if you feel you need to. This. But fair warning, you may be asking for a confrontation with a very emotional and hurting husband right now. He's hurting for his wife (even if you don't view them as such) and it will be directed at you because you hurt her (and offended him) in the past (and yes, I understand the argument, I used to believe that way myself at one time). And on the other hand, that may be a reason not to go. Edited January 21, 2011 by mommaduck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I'm sorry. I'm sure that must be difficult. In your position, I would honor her wishes and not try to go in to see her, but I would go to the hospital in case she changes her mind. Of course I don't know your situation, but I could be your sister. I can't imagine feeling so ill and having to deal with the family members that I don't like much. Of course they'll call me selfish, but hey, what's new? Send her some flowers and a note that says you love her and wish her well. It might be the impetus she needs to want to see you, which could possibly be good for both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 We had a 15 year rift between one of my siblings, us and my parents. It was my mother's death that brought us back together. (Granted, mom's death was age-expected, or at least much more so than your situation). It is very difficult for me to respond to this post without diverting it into something "else". I can say, however, that as YOU had your boundaries and made choices, her (and her family, which now includes her husband) have a right to their choices and boundaries. It's my hope she recovers and your relationship heals. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I can say, however, that as YOU had your boundaries and made choices, her (and her family, which now includes her husband) have a right to their choices and boundaries. Good point Joanne. It's my hope she recovers and your relationship heals. Me too. :grouphug: to you Bethany. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Since a big part of the problem is your not being willing to celebrate her marriage, I think you need to be very very careful to show him as much respect, deference and love as you possibly can. Whether the text reflects his wishes or hers, I personally think you need to abide by whoever's wishes they are because they are 'one' and right now, he may be making decisions for them as a couple, as I would expect my DH to do. But I might go there with a cooler of food and whatever else they might need. I might hang out in the waiting room and pray over it, her, the situation, and everyone who walks by ..... bless your heart. This is so hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 Many years ago my mother gave me a beautiful painting. I was in ministry and in my esteem my mother was "pagan." I loved that painting, but due to a bible study in our church on "spiritual house cleaning" where it was suggested that any gifts given by pagans should be gotten rid of...ie burned, I did. I burned that beautiful painting. 6 months later and inspite of my convictions, my mother encountered a vary grace filled person who introduced her to much more loveing Jesus than the one I knew. About 6 months after that, it was my mom who picked up the pieces of my broken religious heart, and reintroduced me to a Jesus who loves. Now, I live with shame of what my convictions led me to. I would do anything to go back and have that painting. I was wrong...it was a gift of love. And where there is LOVE...there is God. I guess I'm telling you this to say, "Here is someone who did something in the name of 'conviction' and I was wrong." There are some convictions worth standing on...some aren't. Love covers a multitude of sins. If I had the chance to go back and change my decision about attending her wedding, I would not. It would have been a sin against my conscience. And again, none of that matters if my sister DIES. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Do you want to go for you or for her? Because honestly, the last thing anyone in the ICU needs is a family feud. If I told someone not to come to the hospital, and they came anyway -- I'd get pretty angry, and it might make me *worse*. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) nm Edited January 21, 2011 by Audrey I changed my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 If I had the chance to go back and change my decision about attending her wedding, I would not. It would have been a sin against my conscience. And again, none of that matters if my sister DIES.[/Quote] No, it doesn't. How is that working for you? Is this where your Jesus wants you and her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I'm not pretending that I don't understand why she is hurt. And I know she won't let me see her to hurt me back. I get it. Actually, this might not be true. She may be dealing with her own stuff and not even thinking about you. Again, personal experience. I agree it's a mess. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. I am also really sorry your sister is going through what she's going through. :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freethinkermama Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 If I had the chance to go back and change my decision about attending her wedding, I would not. It would have been a sin against my conscience. And again, none of that matters if my sister DIES. I don't understand why "none of that matters if [your] sister dies." It doesn't matter anyway, since you can't go back and do it over. I'm so sorry for your pain, and for your sister's pain. I made a similar decision to the one you did once and cut someone very deeply based on my religious convictions. Our friendship never healed. It wasn't her doing. It was mine. I do hope it turns out differently for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 No, it doesn't. How is that working for you? Is this where your Jesus wants you and her? Gee Joanne, my sister may be dying, but feel free to take jabs at my personal religious beliefs. I needed to get my feelings out. I miss my sister, and might not get a chance to tell her one last time how much I love her. I don't much think WHY she's mad at me needs to be debated. But thanks for trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Of course my convictions are for me. And my convictions did not allow me to celebrate her remarriage. I'm not pretending that I don't understand why she is hurt. And I know she won't let me see her to hurt me back. I get it. But none of that is going to matter if my sister dies, now will it? I am sorry your sister is so ill. I am sorry you are hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I can say, however, that as YOU had your boundaries and made choices, her (and her family, which now includes her husband) have a right to their choices and boundaries. It's my hope she recovers and your relationship heals. :iagree:I think that's a very good point. It's all very sad, and I hope there is reconciliation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Yikes people...she cant change the past or her convictions. Whats done is done. I dont think we need to point that out to her. OP obviously loves her sister and is worried she is going to die and she wont be there. Whatever wedding she didnt attend doesnt really matter now. OP if I were you, I would go to the hospital and have a letter prepared to give them if you are sent away. Just write down what you would say if were able to see her. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) If I had the chance to go back and change my decision about attending her wedding, I would not. It would have been a sin against my conscience. And again, none of that matters if my sister DIES. Is your conscience God? I would try to be careful with that. . It appears you're mad at them for having a conviction and standing by it (that they don't want you there). Really? You chose not to be somewhere (their wedding) and by so doing caused them hurt. And now you're frustrated because their conviction is that they don't want you there? :001_huh: Edited January 21, 2011 by milovaný Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I don't think Bethany's intentions in posting this were to debate her convictions from the Lord, and she can't go back and change something from a year and a half ago even if she wanted to do that. Bethany, I'm so sorry that this is happening. It must be quite scary to know that your sister is that ill and that things could go either way. Convictions don't change love, in my experience, so I think your emotions are pretty understandable right now. In all honestly.. I would likely go down there anyway, whether it meant that I was "allowed" in to visit or I just had to stay in the waiting area and pray. If things, unfortunately, took a turn for the worse, and I would want to be there to say goodbye in whatever way I could. :grouphug: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Yikes people...she cant change the past or her convictions. Whats done is done. I dont think we need to point that out to her. Yeah, it's done. But she could probably help heal the hard-heartedness (on both sides) with an apology. Both sides usually have something to apologize for. My thoughts are based on a personal experience; and I'm hoping she/they can find healing from the hurt. Please forgive me for offending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Gee Joanne, my sister may be dying, but feel free to take jabs at my personal religious beliefs. I needed to get my feelings out. I miss my sister, and might not get a chance to tell her one last time how much I love her. I don't much think WHY she's mad at me needs to be debated. But thanks for trying. Actually, I think it is very relevant and appropriate. As many Christians are fond of saying, they don't have their faith in a vacuum. It's a part of who they are, how they think and the decisions they make. Those decisions aren't made in a vacuum. Your decision to not celebrate your sister's new life is what is driving HER or her husband's decision now. I see you posting, and I see your posts, but I don't see any real understanding of the fact that you refused to celebrate a momentus, joyous event in her life due to your understanding of God. Why should the onus be on HER or her husband now of allowing you to be a part of what might be the end of life? A marriage is sacred and spiritiual; so is death. I would not want to move through either of them with someone who felt the way I handled something so primary was "sin". If the reason for the rift weren't something you feel is relevent, why did you post it on a *discussion board*? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Here's the thing, Bethany, if you did feel differently about the wedding now and were able to say that and apologize sincerely, that's the most likely way to have her have a change of heart. That is why everyone is asking about this, not because they are necessarily trying to change your mind, but so that if your mind is, indeed, already changed, they can encourage you to express that. Since it's not, I'm very sorry about the situation, but I do think that you should respect your sister's boundaries. I don't think that even going to the waiting room would do much but cause pain and agitation in others as well as yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: It's hard, hard situation Edited January 21, 2011 by justamouse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 (edited) I needed to get my feelings out. I miss my sister, and might not get a chance to tell her one last time how much I love her. Yes. You might not get that chance now, but you believe in an afterlife, you will have the chance later -- hopefully many, many, many healthy, lively years later. I'm sorry you're hurting, but so is she. I think when a person is facing their own mortality, the kindest thing to do is to respect their wishes and let them pass on their own terms, whether you agree with them or not. Edited January 21, 2011 by Audrey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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