Furious with my brother over his treatment of our mother (long)

[Blueridge]

This is such an unbelievable situation, I will try to explain briefly. Disclaimer: I love my brother and his wife.

My sil has a high-powered job and likes it. My brother has been staying at home for the past year, for reasons unknown to me, but has recently found a high-powered job of his own. They both want to work and make lots of $$$. I understand that. But...over the holiday break they decided to take their son (12) out of school and 'homeschool' him. Their reason? His teacher didn't spend enough personal time with him, hence his grades were not good. So, they are both going to work, but they want to homeschool their son...:confused: Their daughter (8) would remain in her school because she is a social butterfly. So, what does my brother do? He cooks up a plan to bring our mother (age 72 and in very poor health) to their home so she can 'oversee' him and his little brother (5 and not in school). She was not expected to do anything but just be there. Again, I say :confused:. They were not getting any curriculum but a math book. So, he somehow talks mom into this, and takes her to their house (2 hours away) for an undisclosed amount of time. She has been there since Saturday. They informed her Monday morning that their daughter was also going to stay home and 'homeschool'. So, there is Mom, trying to keep 3 children busy with nothing to do all day long. They are not allowed outside because of the snow, allergic to grass, etc. She called me today, almost in tears, and let me listen to the kids. They were screaming and fighting and being as out of control as you could imagine. She said it had been that way all day. They are bored. I understand that, too. She is trapped. :glare: Is there anything I can do to relieve this situation before my mom has a stroke? I'm always going to try and support someone who wants to homeschool, (this is their 3rd attempt, the other attempts lasting a few months each) but ya really need to be home to do it. I just can't believe the selfishness. I am struggling to find Christian compassion in this situation, and I want to be loving, but I don't think I can be.

Edited January 14, 2011 by Blueridge

[NanceXToo]

I don't mean this to sound rude (although it might) but my initial thought is: "Mom's a big girl." If she's unhappy with the situation, she needs to change it. She needs to tell them, "I'm sorry, this is too much for me to handle, you're going to have to find another way if you want to homeschool," and she needs to go home. Bottom line. She's not a prisoner there, right?

[Harriet Vane]

Can your mother insist that she be returned home?

 

Can you go take your mother home?

[amy g.]

I'm too speechless to comment.

[love2read]

:grouphug: Can you give your mom the courage to just say "No more, take me home now!"

[meggie]

Are you close enough to go get her and take her home? If she doesn't want to stay, it would be kidnapping for them to force her. If you are not close enough, I would call and pay for a cab to come and get her and take her home. Again, if she doesn't want to be there and they are forcing her, it's kidnapping! Your Brother and SIL can hire a full time nanny to do that stuff for them. Forcing an elderly grandmother in poor health to do such a thing is beyond disgusting. Your Christian charity should extend to your mother first, she's the one who raised you. You can worry about your brother after that.

[Blueridge]

Yes, I told her that she needs to ask to come home when I talked to her today. I can't help her...we are 4 states away. He brought her there so she has no car. Since she is rather feeble, she doesn't have much courage to stand up and say anything. And she wants the kids to get to really know her and love her, kwim?

[Nakia]

Well, my brothers and I have the type of relationships that if one of them were doing something so dumb, I would call him up and say, "What's your problem, idiot?". We are all best friends and very open and close. But I understand not all sibling relationships are like that.

 

I think your mom is going to have to put on her big girl panties and tell them to take her home. Now. No questions asked. If they don't like it, too bad. They can't make her stay there. If they won't take her home, maybe you can go get her. What they are asking of her is beyond ridiculous.

 

ETA: I just read that you live 4 states away. Will she not demand they take her home??? Does she have another relative close by that will drive her home?

[myfunnybunch]

Unbelievable. :001_huh:

 

Does your brother know your mom is unhappy and can't handle the kids?

 

If Mom wants to help and to please, it may be that she's saying yes when she wants to say no. Or she doesn't want to upset them by telling them she can't really handle it or get the kids in trouble by telling their parents they're not behaving. If your relationship with your brother would allow, it might be a good idea to call your brother and just tell him your mom is overwhelmed.

 

If he knows already, do you live close enough to get her and take her home?

 

And goodness gracious, if the jobs are that great, why not hire a nanny to oversee or a tutor to teach? Sheesh.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[Murphy101]

Yes. Big girl panties for mom and cab ride paid by you if necessary.

 

Now if your mother truly feels intimidated, I would go get her four states or no.

[elegantlion]

I would take Nakia's approach and have a strongly worded conversation with your brother on behalf of your mother. Write down what needs to be said, facts, etc, so you won't get off track.

 

Doesn't she have her own house to care for? :confused:

 

Honestly, I'd probably be mad enough to find out if you can call someone about elder abuse if they are not going to honor her request.

[Forget-Me-Not]

How far is your mother from her home? Can you arrange for a taxi ride/car service/plane ticket to get her back home?

[Farrar]

If your mom is a pleaser and wants to keep all her kids and grandkids happy and not upset anyone, then even though it sounds absurd to us all on its face, he may genuinely not realize that she can't handle the situation. Talk to him.

[Mabelen]

Your brother needs to hire a full time nanny/tutor if they truly want your mother to oversee things and/or your mom needs to come home. Right now she is not overseeing, she is being forced to run the show! I would not hesitate to tell my brother as much either.

[Remudamom]

Oh mercy, I'd knock my brothers over the head. Twice.

[Stacia]

If your mom is a pleaser and wants to keep all her kids and grandkids happy and not upset anyone, then even though it sounds absurd to us all on its face, he may genuinely not realize that she can't handle the situation. Talk to him.

 

:iagree:

[FO4UR]

:glare:

 

I'd have a frank discussion with your brother. I'd drive the 4 states to pick her up and take her home if the frank discussion didn't result in a happy mother.

 

If the grandma *wants* to be there, to spend time with the kids...they still need to hire a nanny/tutor for the kids. They will not have fond memories of her if things continue this way.

[kalanamak]

Yes, I told her that she needs to ask to come home when I talked to her today. I can't help her...we are 4 states away. He brought her there so she has no car. Since she is rather feeble, she doesn't have much courage to stand up and say anything. And she wants the kids to get to really know her and love her, kwim?

 

Have her call 911 and say she is scared what the kids will do. If she can't get him to give her a ride home, get the authorities in on it. If she wants to do it cheaper, pee in the bed. Most grown children are delighted to not have an incontinent mother on their hands.

 

(and boy, do I feel sorry for my son if he tries something like this on me)

[Nakia]

Have her call 911 and say she is scared what the kids will do. If she can't get him to give her a ride home, get the authorities in on it. If she wants to do it cheaper, pee in the bed. Most grown children are delighted to not have an incontinent mother on their hands.

 

(and boy, do I feel sorry for my son if he tries something like this on me)

 

Kal, you have a way with words. I heart you.

[katemary63]

Oh mercy, I'd knock my brothers over the head. Twice.

 

:iagree: Yeah, there's nothing wrong with have a "conversation" with your brother.

[FO4UR]

Have her call 911 and say she is scared what the kids will do. If she can't get him to give her a ride home, get the authorities in on it. If she wants to do it cheaper, pee in the bed. Most grown children are delighted to not have an incontinent mother on their hands.

 

(and boy, do I feel sorry for my son if he tries something like this on me)

 

Chuckling, but this is so sad. That would probably work.:glare:

 

...be more trouble than she's worth...

[2cents]

Something very similar happened to my mother. My sibling and her dh used her as unpaid childcare for many years and she was too intimidated to object. She complained to me ad nauseam and voiced her fears that if she complained she would not be allowed to see the children (I had heard those threats before for myself). I offered help and advice but she never confronted the situation. Unfortunately this kind of abuse was only the stepping stone to worse things to come and over the years my mother's inability to stand up for herself played a big part in that. Sometimes the only people that can help themselves just won't do it and you can't do it for them. :(

[Catwoman]

Yes. Big girl panties for mom and cab ride paid by you if necessary.

 

Now if your mother truly feels intimidated, I would go get her four states or no.

 

Yes, this. Exactly.

 

And call your brother and tell him he's being an idiot. Forget Christian compassion. Stand up for your mom.

 

Cat

[Laurie4b]

It sounds like there are two issues going on: 1) Your mom is in a situation she doesn't want to be in and 2) your brother doesn't understand what it takes to homeschool.

 

I agree with other posters that it's really your mom's job to tell him that she's not comfortable in the situation. I understand that if she's 72 and determined not to do that, it probably won't do any good to push it too far, but what she's doing is triangulation and it's not a healthy way to relate. If you feel you must intervene for her, do it with an open-mind that your mother may be communicating different things to each of you. That's the tricky part. It sounds like that's the key issue from your point of view.

 

For the homeschooling part, I'd say something like: "I'd be glad to share if you're interested." If he's not, you've done what you can.

[tex-mex]

Yes. Big girl panties for mom and cab ride paid by you if necessary.

 

Now if your mother truly feels intimidated, I would go get her four states or no.

:iagree: The inmates are running the asylum, IMO. Grandma is trapped and the brother and his wife are numbskulls. Those kids need a private (paid for professional) tutor at home, a nanny who can tutor, or go back to school. This is redunkulous. :glare:

[tex-mex]

Have her call 911 and say she is scared what the kids will do. If she can't get him to give her a ride home, get the authorities in on it. If she wants to do it cheaper, pee in the bed. Most grown children are delighted to not have an incontinent mother on their hands.

 

(and boy, do I feel sorry for my son if he tries something like this on me)

:lol::lol::lol:

Grammy needs to dress backwards, drool, and talk to the plants to get out of that situation. Oh my. Once home, tell grams to NEVER visit her son again!

[Parrothead]

:lol::lol::lol:

Grammy needs to dress backwards, drool, and talk to the plants to get out of that situation. Oh my. Once home, tell grams to NEVER visit her son again!

She should help the kids trash the house.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If you do talk to your brother, on your mom's behalf, be aware that she could go back on everything she told you when he then asks her about it. Often people who are too intimidated to stand up for themselves will then bend over backward to deny that they were ever upset etc. when someone tries to help them out. Understandably that will then make your brother doubt your word and your "interference" even though you really did do it based on your mom's unhappiness. I'm not saying that you shouldn't still talk to him but just a warning.

[HS Mom in NC]

Is this how he and your mother have related to each other over the years? Has he always manipulated and demanded of her? Does she always cave in to avoid confrontation with him? Has she always complained instead of doing what is necessary to solve the problem and take whatever heat is necessary?

 

You may need to have a conversation with her and him on the phone at the same time. I would make sure everyone agrees to have it recorded. If mom is willing to be honest in that conversation and say she wants to leave then you need to be prepared to do whatever it takes to get her home. It may meana long road trip where you go get her. It may mean paying for a cab ride and if necessary a plane ticket to get her home. Be prepared for your brother and wife to go ballistic and make your relationship really hard.

[Denisemomof4]

I'm too speechless to comment.

 

:iagree:

[Mom0012]

My gut respone is to confront your brother and stand up for your mom, even if it means driving 4 states to go get her and drive her home. However, my sister has been bullying my parents for the last 2 years. They come to me complaining and upset, my father is on anti-anxiety medication for the first time in his life, and yet, when I confronted her, my dad lost it with me. He didn't want my sister upset!?!?:confused:

 

So anyway, after a year of being extremely upset about the whole situation and not even being able to talk to my sister, I am now able to be a sounding board for my parents, but I have left it up to them to take action if and when they decide to do so. In my eyes (as much as I love them), I no longer see them as victims, but as active participants in enabling my sister.

 

So, I would ask your mom if she wants your help. If she does, I would be there in a second. If she waffles, I would let her handle the situation herself unless she is mentally incompetent.

 

Lisa

[CalicoKat]

This is such an unbelievable situation, I will try to explain briefly. Disclaimer: I love my brother and his wife.

My sil has a high-powered job and likes it. My brother has been staying at home for the past year, for reasons unknown to me, but has recently found a high-powered job of his own. They both want to work and make lots of $$$. I understand that. But...over the holiday break they decided to take their son (12) out of school and 'homeschool' him. Their reason? His teacher didn't spend enough personal time with him, hence his grades were not good. So, they are both going to work, but they want to homeschool their son...:confused: Their daughter (8) would remain in her school because she is a social butterfly. So, what does my brother do? He cooks up a plan to bring our mother (age 72 and in very poor health) to their home so she can 'oversee' him and his little brother (5 and not in school). She was not expected to do anything but just be there. Again, I say :confused:. They were not getting any curriculum but a math book. So, he somehow talks mom into this, and takes her to their house (2 hours away) for an undisclosed amount of time. She has been there since Saturday. They informed her Monday morning that their daughter was also going to stay home and 'homeschool'. So, there is Mom, trying to keep 3 children busy with nothing to do all day long. They are not allowed outside because of the snow, allergic to grass, etc. She called me today, almost in tears, and let me listen to the kids. They were screaming and fighting and being as out of control as you could imagine. She said it had been that way all day. They are bored. I understand that, too. She is trapped. :glare: Is there anything I can do to relieve this situation before my mom has a stroke? I'm always going to try and support someone who wants to homeschool, (this is their 3rd attempt, the other attempts lasting a few months each) but ya really need to be home to do it. I just can't believe the selfishness. I am struggling to find Christian compassion in this situation, and I want to be loving, but I don't think I can be.

 

You need to call your brother and let him know that mom has to come home because you're concerned she's going to stroke out. He wouldn't want to have to live with that guilt, right?

 

Let him know that she called you. If he won't agree to bring her home immediately, then he needs to hire her a limo to drive her home.

 

He probably just doesn't realize how much your mother has aged. His inconsideration probably is just him still thinking like a kid in this.

 

Suggest to him that he hire a nanny or a tutor to school his bright, energetic, obviously creative children. And to let his mother be just the grandmother.

 

:grouphug: It's difficult. It may temporarily hurt your relationship with him. But in the end you have to do what you can to protect your mother. Your guilt over not having done something in the end isn't worth it.

[....]

This is such an unbelievable situation, I will try to explain briefly. Disclaimer: I love my brother and his wife.

My sil has a high-powered job and likes it. My brother has been staying at home for the past year, for reasons unknown to me, but has recently found a high-powered job of his own. They both want to work and make lots of $$$. I understand that. But...over the holiday break they decided to take their son (12) out of school and 'homeschool' him. Their reason? His teacher didn't spend enough personal time with him, hence his grades were not good. So, they are both going to work, but they want to homeschool their son...:confused: Their daughter (8) would remain in her school because she is a social butterfly. So, what does my brother do? He cooks up a plan to bring our mother (age 72 and in very poor health) to their home so she can 'oversee' him and his little brother (5 and not in school). She was not expected to do anything but just be there. Again, I say :confused:. They were not getting any curriculum but a math book. So, he somehow talks mom into this, and takes her to their house (2 hours away) for an undisclosed amount of time. She has been there since Saturday. They informed her Monday morning that their daughter was also going to stay home and 'homeschool'. So, there is Mom, trying to keep 3 children busy with nothing to do all day long. They are not allowed outside because of the snow, allergic to grass, etc. She called me today, almost in tears, and let me listen to the kids. They were screaming and fighting and being as out of control as you could imagine. She said it had been that way all day. They are bored. I understand that, too. She is trapped. :glare: Is there anything I can do to relieve this situation before my mom has a stroke? I'm always going to try and support someone who wants to homeschool, (this is their 3rd attempt, the other attempts lasting a few months each) but ya really need to be home to do it. I just can't believe the selfishness. I am struggling to find Christian compassion in this situation, and I want to be loving, but I don't think I can be.

 

Oh my Goodness. I should probably just pm this to you...I guess I could leave out a lot of details, but my husband and I have witnessed this exact same situation with HIS brother/SIL.

 

To make a long story short...the grandma just left. She bought a plane ticket and flew to California to stay with a different family member. The last time I saw her, she wouldn't even talk to my husband's brother or his wife. She just took her dinner and walked upstairs. The way my husband's brother and his wife were treating her was just plain abusive. They would make fun of her in front of guests and the entire atmosphere was just disgusting. Even the other grandparents were worried (my husband's parents were like, "What the &^%?" - in Korean, of course). It was a very nasty situation.

 

My husband's brother and his wife are both doctors and are never home. They have one boy and he is just completely out of control. The grandma was legally blind (to make matters worse) and there was no way she could deal with him. Anytime there was something the little boy needed or wanted (and I'm talking basic needs here :glare:), they would toss the little boy in the grandma's direction while they were doing their own stupid thing. Besides the weekly daycare, this kid spent all weekend (EVERY weekend) with the other set of grandparents so my husband's brother and his wife could "go out". If my in-laws said No one weekend, my husband's brother would get mad.

 

To give you an idea of their personalities, they told us once that they couldn't be seen in anything "less than a Mercedes". Um, yeah. I'm so impressed. :glare:

 

If he were my brother...I would call him out on it. I would be pretty confrontational. I would drive over and get my mother and take her home (with me, if need be).

 

My grandma is 73 and there is no way she could deal with a situation like that or have the energy to confront anyone about it.

[RanchGirl]

wondering how this turned out, is your mother still there? did your mother speak to your brother?

[Blueridge]

Oh my, I am beside myself with even more anger and frustration. My worst fears were proven correct on Friday. Let me backtrack to explain. Despite my sister and me begging mom not to go, she decided to pack a small bag and go to my brother's for a week and try it out. Remember, she wanted to be the *best grandma*. :glare: I had written brother a lengthy email since he would not pick up his phone and told him my concerns and he never wrote back. He deleted me from his FB account, too. By that Friday she was almost in tears because the kids were running wild and fighting and screaming all day long and not obeying her at all. They had no school work to do, and were not allowed (by their parents) outside because it was cold and messy! So, brother got mad and drove her 2 hours back to her home...she lives with my sister, her hubby and dd. Well, he drove her half way and sis got her from there. She was a nervous wreck all weekend and didn't want to return, but as Monday got closer, she again changed her mind despite our begging and went back, this time for 2 weeks more! Unbelievable. But she wanted to help, blah, blah, blah. They had gotten the kids some curriculum and SIL made a detailed schedule and routine for them to follow. That seemed to help a bit, but they stayed upstairs all day long and she was unable to go up to check on them because she is weak and cannot do stairs well. Well, after a week, she did go up to check on them, said they were just goofing off and disrespectful (she may be exaggerating, I don't know) and then she fell half way down and twisted her ankle badly. Brother came huffing home from work and took her to the ER, and they sent her home with him to prop it up with ice. She stayed there, saying it was going to be alright...:tongue_smilie: This past week she tried to tell brother that she was worried that the kids couldn't tell her their address or phone number, and brother got FURIOUS and started screaming and telling her he hated her and everybody criticizing him about everything and acting all paranoid. We are all worried that perhaps he is sick or bipolar or something is seriously wrong. I know that SIL is trying hard but juggling too much. So, they all got in the car after mom got packed and drove her to the half-way spot to be picked up by sis. As she was bending over to hug their kids goodbye, and holding onto the car handle, the handle came completely OFF of the car, she fell backwards and crashed her head on the pavement. Off to the hospital they flew, and my SIL took mom into the ER while angry brother stayed out in the car with the kids. She has a concussion and a huge cut all the way the length of her head. Oh my gosh, I just want to kill him or something. She is obviously not going back, despite his threat that morning of just 'leaving them at home by themselves'. So, the situation is as awful as it could be and I am here worrying she will die from this. He never even called to check on her...So, again, besides keeping her at home and hating my brother for the rest of my life, is there anything more helpful that I could do? I just hate this. I can't even talk to him because he avoids us all like the plague, and he sounds like a walking time bomb.

[kalanamak]

I can't even talk to him because he avoids us all like the plague, and he sounds like a walking time bomb.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: It there a trusted friend, a family doc, a pastor or a counselor who can talk to your mom to let her LET GO of this bad situation?

 

PS, if she has any assets, I would bet he got her to change her will while visiting!

[Happy2BaMom]

You can't help people who are determined to be sick.....and, sorry, sounds like there's a lot of that in some of your immediate family members right now....

 

I'd touch base with mom every once in a while, other than that, stay out of it. It's not your show. A good book that helped me with this was "The Dance of Anger"...very helpful with family dynamics.

 

Your bil and sil don't really care about their kids. Or perhaps bil/sil are up in hock up their eyeballs and don't want to spend $$$. Something major is going on, though.