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My heart is broken. Again.

AlmiraGulch
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AlmiraGulch

AlmiraGulch

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My 14-year old Aspie dd has no friends and never has. None.

 

She attends a program called HeArts (Homeschool Enrichment in the Arts) once a week and this term is an immersive study into other cultures (food, music, games, art, architecture, language, etc). The instructor arranged for each of the students to connect with someone from one of the cultures being studied. Today, my daughter received her first letter (it took 12 weeks to get here!) and she is absolutely over the moon excited. Giddy.

 

For me, it serves as a glaring reminder that my sweet, smart, funny girl has no connections of any substance with anyone outside of her immediate family. One girl in a country on the other side of the world asks her a couple of questions about herself and you'd think she won the lottery.

 

All I want for Christmas is for my child to have a friend.

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Niffercoo

Niffercoo

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My 14-year old Aspie dd has no friends and never has. None.

 

She attends a program called HeArts (Homeschool Enrichment in the Arts) once a week and this term is an immersive study into other cultures (food, music, games, art, architecture, language, etc). The instructor arranged for each of the students to connect with someone from one of the cultures being studied. Today, my daughter received her first letter (it took 12 weeks to get here!) and she is absolutely over the moon excited. Giddy.

 

For me, it serves as a glaring reminder that my sweet, smart, funny girl has no connections of any substance with anyone outside of her immediate family. One girl in a country on the other side of the world asks her a couple of questions about herself and you'd think she won the lottery.

 

All I want for Christmas is for my child to have a friend.

 

I totally understand. My 8 year old daughter had a meltdown at church on Sunday and while I was in the hall with her trying to calm her down, she kept saying, "I cried in front of everyone and now they aren't going to like me." I couldn't say anything because I know that they already don't like her. She blurts out things and she has huge meltdowns for what appear to be no reason. The kids are scared to be around her. Adults love her because she likes to give hugs and she smiles and says funny things. But kids are scared of her.

 

My 14 year old Aspie is finding some friends through his obsessions/interests now. Well, I'm not sure I would call them friends. He doesn't get phone calls and nobody asks him to come over. He does have some "friends" on Facebook but they don't do much. He just joined a rock band (drumming obsession) and they have had 2 practices. I've been a wreck, wondering if they like him. He also plays baseball, and seems to get along with folks on his team. But it's not the same.

 

I'm hoping when my 8 year old is a teenager that she'll find some friends through her interests, too. Does your daughter have any obsessions you can channel into classes and potential friends?

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C_l_e_0..Q_c

C_l_e_0..Q_c

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:grouphug:

 

Another one here that shares your pain. My 13yo DS is in the same boat. The difference is that he doesn't seem to care much.

 

I got him a dog, in hopes that he will learn to relate to others. Today, he noticed the dog was shivering in the snow and brought him inside. Good first step, no?

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mammaruss

mammaruss

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I have a ds that is 11 years old that would LOVE to reach out and be penpal friends with a boy or a girl.

 

He has spent a lot of his younger years volunteering at a school playing with children of every age that have visual impairments and/or various disabilities. He has a huge heart and does not like to see anyone without a friend!!

 

PM me!!

 

:grouphug: Michelle

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hsbaby

hsbaby

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I can completely relate. My dd13 (high functioning Autism) does not have a single friend. And it breaks my heart. She wants friends, but just doesn't know how to develop or maintain a relationship. It's a shame you aren't closer.....Would your dd be interested in a penpal or email pal. One that can totally relate? PM if you would be interested. I know my dd would love it and it would be nice for her to have someone other than me to share things with!

 

ETA: Just saw you had quite a few pen pal offers:) Yay!! My dd would love this if yours is interested!

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IsabelC

IsabelC

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The thing that really upsets me is how casual other parents and kids are about friends. A mother says "Oh, dd is going to stay over with one of her friends", just like a throwaway comment, and I spend the rest of the week dwelling on that comment: "What? One of her friends? She has more than one friend? How did the parents make this happen? And she was invited to their house? How did they get her to behave so normally that she gets invited places? And she's staying overnight? What? She can go to sleep without her usual bedtime rituals?" And this child is younger than my son, and I agonize over what I have done wrong that my child is about as likely to stay with a friend overnight as he is to win a Nobel prize (actually, he's not bad at science so far, so possibly the latter is more likely). It's hard that dh and I regularly spend hours plotting about how ds might one day make a friend, to remember that other kids just do it naturally.

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ChiMomNP

ChiMomNP

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All I want for Christmas is for my child to have a friend.

 

:grouphug:

 

I so understand. My 11 year old aspie finally had one friend in southern CA in 2009(I was so happy for him!!!) and then we had to move to Chicago at the end of the year. It was heart breaking. Now he has no one. I feel so bad for him too. We have him in all kinds of activities but still no luck making another friend. He'd really love a friend.

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Denisemomof4

Denisemomof4

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I think your best bet would be by her making friends with others like her, and just as important, you making friends with her family. Surely the parents of kids with AS will want to help their children have connections.

 

http://aspergers.meetup.com/cities/us/ga/atlanta/

 

I'm sorry. I'm sure it's very hard to watch this. :( I hope you can find connections for her!!!

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at the beach

at the beach

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:grouphug: I feel your pain. My 11 yo dd really has no friends, either. She's highly social, too, and desperately wants friends. She was diagnosed with NLD when she was in school, which is similar in a lot of ways to Asperger's. She has been taking dance lessons and she received a letter from her jazz teacher this past week. The note praised her for her hard work and for being so enthusiastic about everything. We were so thrilled to get this note. I nearly cried because my child struggles so much with so many things but she tries and tries. She loves the social atmosphere at dance, but I know that none of these girls are really what you'd consider "friends" but it's the closest she gets to that. Sigh. It's very hard. Heartbreaking. So, I'm right there with you all. I'm also open to finding a pen pal (email or snail mail) for my daughter.

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NanceXToo

NanceXToo

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I'm sorry. I know how hard it is. My 18 y/o is in a special needs school and it is SO very rare that she EVER has anyone to be friends with or interact with outside of school.

 

I would: 1) Search Meetup.com and see if there is any sort of aspie support group...I'd also ask your pediatrician and/or local hospital if they know of any such thing... or start one yourself! And see if you can connect with other moms and kids who might be in the same boat. It doesn't matter if they don't homeschool, too.

 

2) If you belong to any homeschool groups or homeschool programs, reach out to some of the other moms. Talk to one at that enrichment class. Email one. See if you can arrange a playdate of some sort for her.

 

(btw my 10 y/o does have friends but she still gets giddy with excitement when she gets a pen pal letter, too)!

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Ibbygirl

Ibbygirl

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:grouphug: back to you. It's SO incredibly hard.

 

It is. Your heart breaks for them. My son is profoundly Autistic and doesn't speak. He lives in his own world and is oblivious to friends and could care less about them, but my dd is very outgoing and loves to be around people. She's very high functioning and wants to make friends, but she's "different" and kids pick up on that like radar and avoid her. :( :crying:

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tex-mex

tex-mex

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My 14 year old Aspie is finding some friends through his obsessions/interests now. Well, I'm not sure I would call them friends. He doesn't get phone calls and nobody asks him to come over. He does have some "friends" on Facebook but they don't do much. He just joined a rock band (drumming obsession) and they have had 2 practices. I've been a wreck, wondering if they like him. He also plays baseball, and seems to get along with folks on his team. But it's not the same.

 

We're in the same boat with our 15 y.o. Aspie teen -- he has a tough time making friends. What we've done for him is be a "social director" and organize get-to-gethers at our home for potential friends and break the ice, kwim? (It is a LOT of work, to be honest...)

 

 

Does your daughter have any obsessions you can channel into classes and potential friends?

 

:iagree: For us, over the years, it has gotten easier. It was very hard for my son after the primary grade years (3rd grade) when other kids began to realize he was "weird" or acted strange with his emotional meltdowns. I took matters in my own hands and worked with him on social skills, dealing with disappointments, how to read facial cues, how to start a conversation, etc. I opened up our home for homeschool events and classes so son was surrounded by peers. We did lessons like tennis, golf, music, and joined clubs/organizations to just be around people. We were busy socially.

 

I highly recommend directing the activity to the obsession. My Aspie son loves video games and hopes one day to be a game designer. So, for most of his young life, we've done directed events with "friends" on engineering, robotics, video gaming, and so on. We have also met families who do not homeschool and have their kids bond with our son -- to our son, the "friends" are his BEST friends. And the friends see our son as just another friend to hang out with, to be honest. But they are kind to him. The families are empathetic enough to understand the Aspie POV and so far, the teen friends do not hurt our son or crush his feelings as to them, it may not be reciprocal being best buds. And I am okay with that.

 

One thing that has really helped our son is homeschooling. His self esteem is super and he has no clue how quirky some of his obsessions are. We have a really great support group of homechurch folk of all ages -- they are very accepting of our son and make a lot of effort in including him in get-to-gethers. I was pleasantly surprised to allow son to have a FB account this month -- his BEST friend (he attends a public high school) plays Frontierville on FB who lives 45 minutes away and they don't get to see each other often. This friend is a great kid and we do sleepovers, go camping, and take him on our Summer vacations to Grandma's house on the lake. His family is wonderful. So, we were thrilled to see our lil' support group and relatives come out and friend my son on FB. That was cool. ;) It made his day.

 

One issue we are working on is relationships with girls -- son met a delightful young lady while in last year's Drama Club. They got to know each other while working on backdrops, painting, and chatting. She is quirky too in an Aspie way... her obsession is with Meterology and Science. I loved her blunt mannerisms and how she took charge of everything. She and my son played online in a kid's MMO game with a safe chat mode with my approval. (Nothing inappropriate happened -- he played on the laptop in front of me while I knitted. I was more worried he'd be too blunt and hurt her feelings with sarcasm. LOL) At the final performance, we were surprised to see her go up to our son and give him a hug when we were ready to go home. In the car, we played it cool on the ride home. But later, hubby asked him if he liked her. He nodded yes. (WOW -- we told grandma and she almost fainted with joy. Our Aspie is growing up!)

 

One surprise was after Drama Club ended -- months later, we got an email from Mom asking if we could get together at the library? I didn't know what to say. I knew she was kinda sweet on my son, but frankly, he is way too young to date or be in a relationship. With hubby and Grandma's input, I said yes. It was hilarious to watch son follow her around like a puppy dog all over the library. It was during a summer reading program for teens -- us parents sat in the lounge (I brought my knitting) and we gabbed while the teens played Super Smash Bros. in a team format with other teens. After the event, hubby kindly told son that in the future, it may be wise to not let the girl tell him what to do all of the time. LOL :lol:

 

We've gone bowling with this girl (and with a group of homeschoolers), out to eat (that was an interesting time - LOL), and recently we treated them to a mini golf/arcade/pizza place with their family a week ago. I love her mom and she is wonderful to talk to. Hubby enjoys them. At our last event, we cautioned our son to look the girl in the eye when speaking. Pretend to be interested when she is talking -- tho' you are bored. Ask her questions and try not to talk too much about yourself. Us adults finally talked about the kids and tho' we admit they are "keen" on each other -- to keep it as a friendship. She invited him to go ice skating and he kinda freaked out over the fact he didn't know how to ice skate (he has really poor motor skills & coordination)... so we politely passed on that one. No dating yet. (*whew*) ;)

 

To the OP: You can do this. It is a lot of work to raise an Asperger's child. But so worthwhile when they get older and blossom. You just have to remember it will be a late "bloom" -- and try not to compare them to other kids. :grouphug:

Edited by tex-mex
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Ibbygirl

Ibbygirl

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You can do this. It is a lot of work to raise an Asperger's child. But so worthwhile when they get older and blossom. You just have to remember it will be a late "bloom" -- and try not to compare them to other kids. :grouphug:

 

This is wisdom here. Thank you so much for this word. :grouphug:

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*~Tina~*

*~Tina~*

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:grouphug:

 

Bless your heart and hers. I'm so sadden to hear this, as I know how real and how deep that grief runs. I wish we lived nearby and could get our girls together! It's a shame so many miss out on the blessing of our special children. For my own, I'm so thankful she has siblings and a family that loves and cherishes her.

 

I shared a heartfelt, personal journaling called a "A Mother's Grief" on my blog - addressing just this very heartache - written at a time when the tears and sadness were excrutiating. I hope you'll take a moment to visit and know you're not alone.

 

Remember. . .amidst the sadness, there is also SO much we can find to celebrate and appreciate in our precious ones - whether others do or not.

 

http://seasonsoflearning.blogspot.com/2010/01/mothers-grief.html

 

 

Peace to you. . .

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Laurie

Laurie

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:grouphug:

 

 

I shared a heartfelt, personal journaling called a "A Mother's Grief" on my blog - addressing just this very heartache - written at a time when the tears and sadness were excrutiating. I hope you'll take a moment to visit and know you're not alone.

 

. .

 

Thank you so much for sharing this. :grouphug:

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AlmiraGulch

AlmiraGulch

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(((HUGS)))

 

My aspie child has never had a friend either. His cousin is having 40 kids to a birthday party, but my son wouldn't even have one person to invite, as the only kids he spends time with are children of my friends.

 

Same here. Exactly. Her sister will be 8 this Sunday and we limited the guest list to 13. She once had a small Halloween party where 3 kids came because I asked the teacher to intervene and she spoke with a few parents and the girls graciously agreed to participate. They had a really nice time, but that was it. Nothing stuck.

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Ibbygirl

Ibbygirl

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That is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing it. My dd went to ps school for one year. DH thought it would "straighten her out". She was bullied mercilessly and ganged up on by 6 other kids who pinned her against a chain link fence and punched her in the stomach and kicked her in the shins repeatedly. She was only 8 years old! The school was completely indifferent. I was constantly in meetings with the principal and vice-principal and they literally told me that all kids get bullied and getting kicked a few times is not such a big deal. :eek: DH let me pull her out of the school and homeschool her again, but it took YEARS to overcome those months in the ps. Some kids are so cruel and horrible and they don't even know how special and sweet a soul my dd really is because they never bothered to take the time to look any deeper. Their loss! The last sentence in your blog post brought tears to my eyes. I just thank God for homeschooling. It is so good for these kids. :grouphug:

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AlmiraGulch

AlmiraGulch

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The thing that really upsets me is how casual other parents and kids are about friends. A mother says "Oh, dd is going to stay over with one of her friends", just like a throwaway comment, and I spend the rest of the week dwelling on that comment: "What? One of her friends? She has more than one friend? How did the parents make this happen? And she was invited to their house? How did they get her to behave so normally that she gets invited places? And she's staying overnight? What? She can go to sleep without her usual bedtime rituals?" And this child is younger than my son, and I agonize over what I have done wrong that my child is about as likely to stay with a friend overnight as he is to win a Nobel prize (actually, he's not bad at science so far, so possibly the latter is more likely). It's hard that dh and I regularly spend hours plotting about how ds might one day make a friend, to remember that other kids just do it naturally.

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm so with you. Right there exactly.

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AlmiraGulch

AlmiraGulch

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:grouphug:

 

I so understand. My 11 year old aspie finally had one friend in southern CA in 2009(I was so happy for him!!!) and then we had to move to Chicago at the end of the year. It was heart breaking. Now he has no one. I feel so bad for him too. We have him in all kinds of activities but still no luck making another friend. He'd really love a friend.

 

:grouphug: Back at ya

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Ibbygirl

Ibbygirl

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The thing that really upsets me is how casual other parents and kids are about friends. A mother says "Oh, dd is going to stay over with one of her friends", just like a throwaway comment, and I spend the rest of the week dwelling on that comment: "What? One of her friends? She has more than one friend? How did the parents make this happen? And she was invited to their house? How did they get her to behave so normally that she gets invited places? And she's staying overnight? What? She can go to sleep without her usual bedtime rituals?" And this child is younger than my son, and I agonize over what I have done wrong that my child is about as likely to stay with a friend overnight as he is to win a Nobel prize (actually, he's not bad at science so far, so possibly the latter is more likely). It's hard that dh and I regularly spend hours plotting about how ds might one day make a friend, to remember that other kids just do it naturally.

 

 

 

:grouphug:

 

I'm so with you. Right there exactly.

 

Ugh me too! I once heard a mom complaining to another mom how she's sick of having to go to birthday parties all the time. I would love for my dd to be even invited to one birthday party! :crying:

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AlmiraGulch

AlmiraGulch

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I think your best bet would be by her making friends with others like her, and just as important, you making friends with her family. Surely the parents of kids with AS will want to help their children have connections.

 

http://aspergers.meetup.com/cities/us/ga/atlanta/

 

I'm sorry. I'm sure it's very hard to watch this. :( I hope you can find connections for her!!!

Oh. My. Gosh.

 

How could it be that I, the self-proclaimed Queen of Research, have never seen this group? I'd be ashamed and embarrassed if I weren't so happy to see it. I've already joined. Thank you!!!

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AlmiraGulch

AlmiraGulch

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We're in the same boat with our 15 y.o. Aspie teen -- he has a tough time making friends. What we've done for him is be a "social director" and organize get-to-gethers at our home for potential friends and break the ice, kwim? (It is a LOT of work, to be honest...)

 

 

 

 

:iagree: For us, over the years, it has gotten easier. It was very hard for my son after the primary grade years (3rd grade) when other kids began to realize he was "weird" or acted strange with his emotional meltdowns. I took matters in my own hands and worked with him on social skills, dealing with disappointments, how to read facial cues, how to start a conversation, etc. I opened up our home for homeschool events and classes so son was surrounded by peers. We did lessons like tennis, golf, music, and joined clubs/organizations to just be around people. We were busy socially.

 

I highly recommend directing the activity to the obsession. My Aspie son loves video games and hopes one day to be a game designer. So, for most of his young life, we've done directed events with "friends" on engineering, robotics, video gaming, and so on. We have also met families who do not homeschool and have their kids bond with our son -- to our son, the "friends" are his BEST friends. And the friends see our son as just another friend to hang out with, to be honest. But they are kind to him. The families are empathetic enough to understand the Aspie POV and so far, the teen friends do not hurt our son or crush his feelings as to them, it may not be reciprocal being best buds. And I am okay with that.

 

One thing that has really helped our son is homeschooling. His self esteem is super and he has no clue how quirky some of his obsessions are. We have a really great support group of homechurch folk of all ages -- they are very accepting of our son and make a lot of effort in including him in get-to-gethers. I was pleasantly surprised to allow son to have a FB account this month -- his BEST friend (he attends a public high school) plays Frontierville on FB who lives 45 minutes away and they don't get to see each other often. This friend is a great kid and we do sleepovers, go camping, and take him on our Summer vacations to Grandma's house on the lake. His family is wonderful. So, we were thrilled to see our lil' support group and relatives come out and friend my son on FB. That was cool. ;) It made his day.

 

One issue we are working on is relationships with girls -- son met a delightful young lady while in last year's Drama Club. They got to know each other while working on backdrops, painting, and chatting. She is quirky too in an Aspie way... her obsession is with Meterology and Science. I loved her blunt mannerisms and how she took charge of everything. She and my son played online in a kid's MMO game with a safe chat mode with my approval. (Nothing inappropriate happened -- he played on the laptop in front of me while I knitted. I was more worried he'd be too blunt and hurt her feelings with sarcasm. LOL) At the final performance, we were surprised to see her go up to our son and give him a hug when we were ready to go home. In the car, we played it cool on the ride home. But later, hubby asked him if he liked her. He nodded yes. (WOW -- we told grandma and she almost fainted with joy. Our Aspie is growing up!)

 

One surprise was after Drama Club ended -- months later, we got an email from Mom asking if we could get together at the library? I didn't know what to say. I knew she was kinda sweet on my son, but frankly, he is way too young to date or be in a relationship. With hubby and Grandma's input, I said yes. It was hilarious to watch son follow her around like a puppy dog all over the library. It was during a summer reading program for teens -- us parents sat in the lounge (I brought my knitting) and we gabbed while the teens played Super Smash Bros. in a team format with other teens. After the event, hubby kindly told son that in the future, it may be wise to not let the girl tell him what to do all of the time. LOL :lol:

 

We've gone bowling with this girl (and with a group of homeschoolers), out to eat (that was an interesting time - LOL), and recently we treated them to a mini golf/arcade/pizza place with their family a week ago. I love her mom and she is wonderful to talk to. Hubby enjoys them. At our last event, we cautioned our son to look the girl in the eye when speaking. Pretend to be interested when she is talking -- tho' you are bored. Ask her questions and try not to talk too much about yourself. Us adults finally talked about the kids and tho' we admit they are "keen" on each other -- to keep it as a friendship. She invited him to go ice skating and he kinda freaked out over the fact he didn't know how to ice skate (he has really poor motor skills & coordination)... so we politely passed on that one. No dating yet. (*whew*) ;)

 

To the OP: You can do this. It is a lot of work to raise an Asperger's child. But so worthwhile when they get older and blossom. You just have to remember it will be a late "bloom" -- and try not to compare them to other kids. :grouphug:

 

:grouphug: Thank you SO much for taking the time to write this. It give me hope.

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Ottakee

Ottakee

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I will go against the grain here but say that you might need to look for friends OUTSIDE of the homeschool or even church circle.

 

School has been VERY positive for my kids with special needs. Our local schools have very good social skills groups, mentors and do a nice job of integrating the kids.

 

Special Olympics can be very good if the child likes sports at all. Some kids are only very mildly affected but do very well with special olympics.

 

A local ministry has a teen "club" for young adults--age 14-26 with special needs (autism, Aspergers, cognitive impairments, etc.) that meets 2 evenings a week during the school year and 2 afternoons and 1 evening during the summer. It is a drop in club with videos, games, kareoke, video games, crafts, puzzles, and lots of fun and fellowship with mentors and other peers. They even have a summer camp where the kids have a 1:1 mentor and to volunteer work, etc. in the community.

 

I have found that homeschool is OK for social stuff for K-5/6th grade but in the middle and highschool years my special needs kids were just too special to fit in with the homeschool groups and activities.

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