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Texting while driving -- question


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It is illegal to do so in our state. Beyond that, I think it unsafe.

 

Our eldest pays for his own car insurance and has a policy in his own name, but he's still listed on our policy, if that makes sense (he's listed as the primary driver of his vehicle, in other words). I don't feel comfortable with him being on our policy while texting/driving.

 

Would you make your adult child get his own policy in such a case?

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Does he own the car or does he drive yours?

 

Typically, the insurance goes with the car. IOW, if there's an accident, the policy covering the car kicks in first.

 

I think that the only way to remove the liability is for him to own the car and the poilcy.

 

If he is texting while driving: do you pay for his cell phone? If I ever found that my dd was texting while driving, she would forfeit her cell phone.

 

If I didn't pay for her phone and I found out she was texting while driving my car, she would forfeit her privilege to drive my car.

 

Parenting older kids isn't for wimps, is it??!!

 

Anne

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He owns the car and the policy, but by still being linked to our policy, he gets a discounted rate. I do have a concern that an accident would affect us. Of course, I am concerned with his safety as well, but at this point, my hands are tied, if you know what I mean.

 

He pays for his cell phone too.

 

He is at a point where he doesn't desire our counsel anymore, and he plans to move out in about a month anyway, but that is not set in stone.

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It is illegal to do so in our state. Beyond that, I think it unsafe.

 

Our eldest pays for his own car insurance and has a policy in his own name, but he's still listed on our policy, if that makes sense (he's listed as the primary driver of his vehicle, in other words). I don't feel comfortable with him being on our policy while texting/driving.

 

Would you make your adult child get his own policy in such a case?

 

 

It's illegal here, too, now. I would say to go with your feelings. Personally, if it were my son, I would make him have his own independent insurance and get off my policy, especially if I knew he was texting while driving. I think it's a very dumb thing to do and very, very dangerous.

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He owns the car and the policy, but by still being linked to our policy, he gets a discounted rate. I do have a concern that an accident would affect us. Of course, I am concerned with his safety as well, but at this point, my hands are tied, if you know what I mean.

 

He pays for his cell phone too.

 

He is at a point where he doesn't desire our counsel anymore, and he plans to move out in about a month anyway, but that is not set in stone.

 

 

Well... even more reason to let him go it solo and take him off your policy. Let him be the sole bearer of the consequences of his actions.

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He owns the car and the policy, but by still being linked to our policy, he gets a discounted rate. I do have a concern that an accident would affect us.

 

Call your agent. (Be subtle of course). Ask if there is any link other than a "discount for referring a new customer" type thing. You may be worrying over nothing (well, nothing in addition to texting. That would terrify me.)

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Changing insurance can't be the answer. Texting while driving is not only illegal, it is extraordinarily dangerous.

 

He could harm and even kill other people, not no mention himself. He must understand the grave risk in which he is placing other people with this behavior, and made to see this as a moral issue. One can not be reckless with others peoples lives (or ones own).

 

Bill

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He owns the car and the policy, but by still being linked to our policy, he gets a discounted rate. I do have a concern that an accident would affect us. Of course, I am concerned with his safety as well, but at this point, my hands are tied, if you know what I mean.

 

He pays for his cell phone too.

 

He is at a point where he doesn't desire our counsel anymore, and he plans to move out in about a month anyway, but that is not set in stone.

 

If I knew my kid did this, I would not want him linked to my policy in any way. By linking him to your policy, you may be in a way vouching for him. I'd find out about that simply because he's young, but especially if you know he does risky things like this.

 

It only takes a fraction of a second of inattention to miss something when you're driving. I've seen my son stare right at a red light and keep barreling toward it with no distractions but his own thoughts. (He will be riding with me for a while longer! :glare:)

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Changing insurance can't be the answer. Texting while driving is not only illegal, it is extraordinarily dangerous.

 

He could harm and even kill other people, not no mention himself. He must understand the grave risk in which he is placing other people with this behavior, and made to see this as a moral issue. One can not be reckless with others peoples lives (or ones own).

 

 

If it is not her money, she has no sway other than talk. I'm betting that has happened already.

 

(At my brother's wedding he was lamenting the (obviously unfortunate) behavior of a 19 year old. I laughed and said "and your 19 year old daughter is going to do *just* what you tell her" and when he replied YES, both his new wife and our mother burst into laughter. Sadly, he died before his daughters reached 19, but the 15 year old was already proving him wrong. :D)

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Well... even more reason to let him go it solo and take him off your policy. Let him be the sole bearer of the consequences of his actions.

 

But he is not the sole bearer of his consequences if he kills or maims someone in an accident. Other families, and other people are involved in that case. Maybe a family loses a father, an mother, or a child. That family has to bear the consequences if this should come to pass.

 

I think whatever it takes, NO CAR, NO PHONE, whatever it takes to stop this has to happen. It is an insufficient act for a parent to distance themselves legally from a situation they are fully aware poses risk to innocent lives without taking every measure to stop the dangerous behavior of their child. That is why it is called "parenting." it is time to PARENT.

 

Bill

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I agree. I never thought my 20 year old would cock an attitude of "I don't need you to tell me."

 

I haven't discussed with him the fact that he shouldn't be doing it because we already had that conversation prior to me knowing he was doing it.

 

He is at a stage where he is going to do what he wants to do whether it is wise or not. :tongue_smilie:

 

Changing insurance can't be the answer. Texting while driving is not only illegal, it is extraordinarily dangerous.

 

He could harm and even kill other people, not no mention himself. He must understand the grave risk in which he is placing other people with this behavior, and made to see this as a moral issue. One can not be reckless with others peoples lives (or ones own).

 

Bill

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In some states, as long as the child is living in the parents home, they can be held liable for the child's accident, even it they have their own policy. If you do make him get is own policy, check with the agent regarding the liability laws and if you could be held liable in the event of an accident.

 

Other than that, it needs to be stressed to your son, he is putting other people at risk by texting and driving. I know at his age, he thinks he's invincible. We all did. The It can't happen to me mentality. As long as he is living in your household, getting a discounted rate from your policy, he should abide by your rules. Even though it's his cell phone, he is stilling living in your house. Your house - your rules.

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Okay -- how do I legally take away his car when he is 20 years old? I don't understand how I can make him do anything at this point.

 

I've used the "abide by the rules of the house or get out" line long enough. He has now chosen to not abide by the rules, and this evening we will be discussing his moving out.

 

What else can I do?

 

But he is not the sole bearer of his consequences if he kills or maims someone in an accident. Other families, and other people are involved in that case. Maybe a family loses a father, an mother, or a child. That family has to bear the consequences if this should come to pass.

 

I think whatever it takes, NO CAR, NO PHONE, whatever it takes to stop this has to happen. It is an insufficient act for a parent to distance themselves legally from a situation they are fully aware poses risk to innocent lives without taking every measure to stop the dangerous behavior of their child. That is why it is called "parenting." it is time to PARENT.

 

Bill

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Okay -- how do I legally take away his car when he is 20 years old? I don't understand how I can make him do anything at this point.

 

I've used the "abide by the rules of the house or get out" line long enough. He has now chosen to not abide by the rules, and this evening we will be discussing his moving out.

 

What else can I do?

 

I think that you can't legally take it away from him. And yeah - you have to follow through on the moving out.

 

I'm sorry that he isn't adult enough on this particular issue (I know that he is on others so this isn't a slam against him as a person) to see that texting isn't worth putting himself and others in jeopardy - not to mention the possible legal ramifications if he should get caught.

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I agree. I never thought my 20 year old would cock an attitude of "I don't need you to tell me."

 

I haven't discussed with him the fact that he shouldn't be doing it because we already had that conversation prior to me knowing he was doing it.

 

He is at a stage where he is going to do what he wants to do whether it is wise or not. :tongue_smilie:

 

Have you asked him is he is willing to put other peoples lives at risk for his own convenience? Because that is what he is doing. It is a morally unacceptable choice.

 

You sound "resigned" to the situation and ready to wash your hands of it. I can't say I respect the choice. In your place I'd feel a greater duty to my child, and my community.

 

Bill

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You sound "resigned" to the situation and ready to wash your hands of it. I can't say I respect the choice. In your place I'd feel a greater duty to my child, and my community.

 

 

 

Bill - if it's gotten to the point where he's willing to move out rather than to comply with his parent's wishes, there really isn't anything they can do. I suppose they could call 9-1-1 to report him texting every time they see him doing so. But knowing "in general" that he does so is not something that they can report.

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What else can I do?

 

What you can do is have a serious talk (husband included) on the subject of morality.

 

Texting is worse than drunk driving. He needs to see that he MAY NOT needlessly put other peoples lives knowingly at risk. That that is not a morally acceptable way to behave.

 

If he understands this, one would hope he would make the right choice.

 

Bill

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Thanks, Bill. No, I am not ready to wash my hands of it, and of course I plan to talk to him about it again (when he wakes up -- he was out almost all night long and then had another physical this morning, so he didn't get back into town until afternoon and is napping).

 

All I am saying is that a parent can talk all they want, but there is no guarantee that the person will change. I am sure you have not dealt with this much since your only child is very young, if I remember correctly. Aaron used to be the one who would heed his parents' counsel as well.

 

I hope your child never decides to blow you off like ours has done.

 

Have you asked him is he is willing to put other peoples lives at risk for his own convenience? Because that is what he is doing. It is a morally unacceptable choice.

 

You sound "resigned" to the situation and ready to wash your hands of it. I can't say I respect the choice. In your place I'd feel a greater duty to my child, and my community.

 

Bill

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Bill - if it's gotten to the point where he's willing to move out rather than to comply with his parent's wishes, there really isn't anything they can do. I suppose they could call 9-1-1 to report him texting every time they see him doing so. But knowing "in general" that he does so is not something that they can report.

 

Jean, I'm very far from a tough-love type parent, but if my child (after being fully informed of the dangers of texting while driving) and knowing the the moral implications of carelessly taking life or limb, then made the the decision to move out rather than change their behavior, they would be on their own.

 

And I'd consider myself a failure in how I parented them. How does one accept a child saying they are willing to risk lives for their own convenience? This is a premeditated act that will knowing put lives in danger. And it is grievously wrong.

 

Bill

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Thanks, Bill. No, I am not ready to wash my hands of it, and of course I plan to talk to him about it again (when he wakes up -- he was out almost all night long and then had another physical this morning, so he didn't get back into town until afternoon and is napping).

 

All I am saying is that a parent can talk all they want, but there is no guarantee that the person will change. I am sure you have not dealt with this much since your only child is very young, if I remember correctly. Aaron used to be the one who would heed his parents' counsel as well.

 

I hope your child never decides to blow you off like ours has done.

 

Ask him I'd he is willing to kill someone Dawn. Because that is the question he has to answer. For his convenience will he put the lives of innocent people at risk. That is what he is doing. He needs to be fully conscious of the moral weight of that decision, and what it could mean to his life and those of others.

 

Bill

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And I'd consider myself a failure in how I parented them. How does one accept a child saying they are willing to risk lives for their own convenience? This is a premeditated act that will knowing put lives in danger. And it is grievously wrong.

 

 

 

I think I would be very upset. And I don't get the impression that Dawn is cavalier about this at all! But once your child is past childhood and into adulthood - even the best foundation (and I have no doubt that Dawn and her dh laid a good one) doesn't guarantee absolutely correct moral choices. This is the reality of even good thoughtful parenting.

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But he is not the sole bearer of his consequences if he kills or maims someone in an accident. Other families, and other people are involved in that case. Maybe a family loses a father, an mother, or a child. That family has to bear the consequences if this should come to pass.

 

I think whatever it takes, NO CAR, NO PHONE, whatever it takes to stop this has to happen. It is an insufficient act for a parent to distance themselves legally from a situation they are fully aware poses risk to innocent lives without taking every measure to stop the dangerous behavior of their child. That is why it is called "parenting." it is time to PARENT.

 

Bill

 

Bill, this is not a child. This is an ADULT son. You really cannot parent adult offspring. You can offer guidance and suggestions. They have to make the choices. The time for parenting has passed. Believe it or not, the way you parented them when they were young sometimes has very little bearing on the decisions they make as young adults.

 

It sounds to me like it is time for him to get his own policy. If he were mine, I would probably give him a choice. He can stop texting while driving and stay on the policy, or get his own policy. First time you find out he is not following the rule (if he chooses to stay on yours) he is on his own.

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Ask him I'd he is willing to kill someone Dawn. Because that is the question he has to answer. For his convenience will he put the lives of innocent people at risk. That is what he is doing. He needs to be fully conscious of the moral weight of that decision, and what it could mean to his life and those of others.

 

Bill

 

unfortunately, that kind of thing doesn't work on everyone.

 

i know a guy who talks, texts, tweets, updates facebook, and takes photos while he drives - and there is no getting through to him that HE COULD KILL SOMEONE. not even talking in caps :p ...but no, really. he laughs & rolls his eyes and says things like "if there's one thing i'm really f***ing good at it's this".......and he's a married 30 year old father of three kids.

 

he doesn't BELIEVE that it's dangerous - so taking the "you could kill someone" route with him went nowhere.

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Jean, I'm very far from a tough-love type parent, but if my child (after being fully informed of the dangers of texting while driving) and knowing the the moral implications of carelessly taking life or limb, then made the the decision to move out rather than change their behavior, they would be on their own.

 

And I'd consider myself a failure in how I parented them. How does one accept a child saying they are willing to risk lives for their own convenience? This is a premeditated act that will knowing put lives in danger. And it is grievously wrong.

 

Bill

 

 

Bill, I was right with you until paragraph two of this post. It is extremely unfair to call others failures as parents when their adult children choose the wrong way. I certainly don't blame my folks for any mistakes/sins I've committed as an adult.

 

Dawn, call the insurance company and drop him today. And then lovingly help him pack.

Edited by dmmosher
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He owns the car and the policy, but by still being linked to our policy, he gets a discounted rate. I do have a concern that an accident would affect us. Of course, I am concerned with his safety as well, but at this point, my hands are tied, if you know what I mean.

 

He pays for his cell phone too.

 

He is at a point where he doesn't desire our counsel anymore, and he plans to move out in about a month anyway, but that is not set in stone.

At that point he should be on his own and no longer on your insurance.

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I understand that you cannot take his car or his cell phone, if he is paying for these himself. I would remove him from our family policy so that he would be on his own, free standing policy, even if it meant that he would lose a discount.

 

Have you thought of asking him to attend a defensive driving course? Or some type of driving course where they actually have them go through an "obstacle course" while texting? Maybe it would enlighten him to the extreme dangers of the situation?

 

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation where he is not receptive to your wisdom or advice. I pray that his eyes and ears will be opened and that no harm will come to him or anyone else in the meantime. We have just entered the teenager years with our oldest and I'm already learning to never say the words, "my child would never even think of doing XYZ"...sometimes despite a parent's most well-intentioned lessons, kids still make poor choices.

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Bill, I was right with you until paragraph two of this post. It is extremely unfair to call others failures as parents when their adult children choose the wrong way. I certainly don't blame my foks for any mistakes/sins I've committed as an adult.

 

Dawn, call the insurance company and drop him today. And then lovingly help him pack.

 

I said *I* would feel that way about myself. That is not a judgement on Dawn.

 

Bill

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Yes! It's about so much more than one's own insurance bill.

 

Changing insurance can't be the answer. Texting while driving is not only illegal, it is extraordinarily dangerous.

 

He could harm and even kill other people, not no mention himself. He must understand the grave risk in which he is placing other people with this behavior, and made to see this as a moral issue. One can not be reckless with others peoples lives (or ones own).

 

Bill

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I did confront him on it, and he admitted that it was risky, but he seemed to basically shrug it off. I became very firm with my voice and very adamant.

 

And trust me, spycar, I already feel like a failure in many ways now. You probably have no idea how hard things are for us right now.

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Hey there :) Sorry for the judgmental tones you've gotten. I have step kids that I thought I was great to... I have my own kids too. Good thing that we're not judged harshly because of the way our kids turn out.. There's still (hopefully) time for them to mature. Prayer... talking... Prayer... and vacations :) You really need to give yourself permission to realize that while "the law" calls him an adult, he's not fully mature... His brain isn't fully developed... and you've given him a good base!!!! Cover him in your prayer and love.... and look up some video for him to watch.... (I've seen the one where texting while driving... with the cones... can help someone find out how dangerous it can be....)

 

Hugs to you!!

:)

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I did confront him on it, and he admitted that it was risky, but he seemed to basically shrug it off. I became very firm with my voice and very adamant.

 

And trust me, spycar, I already feel like a failure in many ways now. You probably have no idea how hard things are for us right now.

 

Oh Dawn. I'm so sorry. I've read your posts for a long time on this board and think of you as a wonderful parent. Open and honest with your kids. Yet, adult kids will make STUPID decisions. My brother is an example of one of these kids. He is the ONLY one out of the six of us who makes these decisions. He is the only one who has done jail time too (ugh). Anyway, my parents have never felt so judged and shunned. People forget that there are 5 of us who turned out GREAT!!!

 

Your ds is making a STUPID decision and he's breaking the law. You know that. It is NO reflection on you! You are doing the right things - moving him out as he's not following the rules of the house, putting him on his own insurance plan, etc.

 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this!

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Oh, and what also annoys me is that he was texting with his 25-year old girlfriend.

 

When my husband travels on the interstate (which is where my son was driving while texting), I ask him to call me about every hour to make sure he is awake or whatever. If I found out he was texting, I would be furious, not texting back. ugh

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and I would probably tell him that if he's too grown to listen to very reasonable wisdom from a parent, he's too old to live with her.

 

My friend's daughter got a ticket for texting while driving. $350 dollars - the day before college graduation. Maybe if he just knew what the potential price tag was, he would think again. Also, remind him that if there is an accident, even one that is not really his fault, there will be no problems finding that he had just sent or received a text, and it could cause him big problems.

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It seems the most reasonable statement you can make to voice your disapproval is remove his name from your policy.

 

Do not give yourself over to the idea you're a failure.

 

I tried, unsuccessfully, to find an old proverb that went something along the lines of: you won't know what kind of parent you were until you see how your grandchildren turn out.

 

At any rate, at least give it until then to make judgment. :)

 

If my mom were judged by my actions at age 20...yikes, shivers. I was not a model citizen. Pray for your son and keep on lovin' him.

:grouphug:

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I did confront him on it, and he admitted that it was risky, but he seemed to basically shrug it off. I became very firm with my voice and very adamant.

 

And trust me, spycar, I already feel like a failure in many ways now. You probably have no idea how hard things are for us right now.

 

I'm sorry too Dawn :grouphug:

 

Bill

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Dawn, so sorry you are going through this, it is scary enough to think of my sons driving but to have them making intentional choices like this one -- I shudder in fear. Are there any videos you could have him watch or do you know a police officer or E/R doc or EMT that could do a little shocking presentation kind of thing? Something to impress on him the gravity and potential consequences of his cavalier attitude?

 

Since you have spoken to him about it already without a positive response, I wonder if a silent propaganda campaign might be more effective. Print out about 20 different articles reports and such and leave them in his underwear drawer, under his phone, on his pillow, etc. If he is packing to move, put one in each box.

 

just some ideas, hope they are helpful.

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But he is not the sole bearer of his consequences if he kills or maims someone in an accident. Other families, and other people are involved in that case. Maybe a family loses a father, an mother, or a child. That family has to bear the consequences if this should come to pass.

 

I think whatever it takes, NO CAR, NO PHONE, whatever it takes to stop this has to happen. It is an insufficient act for a parent to distance themselves legally from a situation they are fully aware poses risk to innocent lives without taking every measure to stop the dangerous behavior of their child. That is why it is called "parenting." it is time to PARENT.

 

Bill

 

By 19, Bill, the time for parenting is long past. Wait until you have older children and you will see that you can do whatever you can, but they will still do what they will.

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This thread really upsets me. All I can think about is a teenager texting and plowing into my car and killing my husband or son. Yes, my son is only six and I do appreciate that parenting teenagers is more difficult but one thing I do know is that there are plenty of times when they seem like they aren't listening but eventually it sinks in. I would not give up. I would keep talking about it. I would not give any help in the way of finances whatsoever...NONE. I would let him know that I still love him, but I cannot sit back and condone this behavior or act like it's not happening. These are actions that not only involve him but everyone else around him. I would ask him how he will feel when he knows the he killed a baby or a child or the father of several children...or how he will spend his time when he's in jail for manslaughter and his life is ruined. If your son killed someone in my family because he made such a careless idiotic decision, I wouldn't rest until he was behind bars for the rest of his life.

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"Ask him I'd he is willing to kill someone Dawn. Because that is the question he has to answer. For his convenience will he put the lives of innocent people at risk. That is what he is doing. He needs to be fully conscious of the moral weight of that decision, and what it could mean to his life and those of others."

 

 

 

iagree: I wouldn't stop asking him this question until he gets it through his head that this is what is at risk. It only takes a second for some idiot's carelessness to forever change and destroy the life of so many others.

 

If he still refuses, I would take him off your policy immediately and then follow through on your intended conversation about moving out.

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Look, I agree that it is dangerous. I drive by older adults quite often who are texting. Obviously, it is a huge problem because they had to actually pass a law to forbid it. What's stupid is that the person has to be pulled over for something unrelated -- texting is not enough to pull the person over.

 

The problem is, obviously, he doesn't think it detracts from his driving any more than the older adults I see texting think it detracts from their driving.

 

Not trying to minimize this at all, but I see people texting while driving all the time. Some lady ran into my parents' mailbox because she was changing a CD out. I see people turning around yelling at their kids while they should be driving. I see people talking to the person in the front seat and clearly not paying much attention to where they are going. I see elderly who clearly have no business still holding a driver's license. I am to the point where I hate driving because I am always behind people tyring to do everything but drive.

 

I get this, and I have tried to get my son to understand it. I told him how he was putting others at risk. I made myself clear. He is at a point of not responding to me anymore. I am calling tomorrow to drop him from my auto insurance policy, and his apt. opens up on December 1.

 

I have no idea if he intends to continue texting. Truthfully, if I hadn't known he was on his way home from out of town and checking his cell phone record, I would not have believed he would have been texting.

 

Honestly, how do all of you know your teens don't text while driving? Just curious. Aaron always agreed that it was a stupid thing to do. I always thought he wouldn't text while driving. He, who had planned to be a police officer, is texting while on the interstate and dating a girl who is pleased with herself that she is known for her lead-foot.

 

I have no idea how all of this happened. In one month, our lives have totally changed. I don't even recognize the 20-year old in my house anymore.

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