How do you feel about being addressed as

[smrtmama]

I'm curious how you would prefer the envelope be addressed when it is to both you and hubby?

 

Mr. David Williams and Mrs. Jane Williams

 

or

 

David and Jane Williams

 

or

 

Jane and David Williams

 

or

 

Mrs. Jane and David Williams

 

or Jane Doe (because we forgot the name of that guy she married) :lol:

 

ETA: And how would you like to disseminate your preference to the brides-to-be who are pouring over their etiquette books, following protocol and offending people anyway. Sheesh!

 

Mr. and Mrs. McLernins

 

or

 

Officer Daddyman and Smrt Mama McLernins

 

Either is fine.

[justamouse]

I hate being addressed as Mrs. _____ period, full stop. That's my MILS name. I KNOW it's the correct way, but I still hate it.

 

 

Maybe when I'm 50 I'll feel better about it, but right now I ask the kids to call me Aunt ______.

[angela in ohio]

I love it. Most people in the area know my dh because of his career, so I also regularly go by "Firstname's wife," which I'm perfectly fine with, too. I also get called, "Childname's Mom" from time to time.

 

The students at dh's special needs school would call him Mr. or Principal Firstname, as that was the custom the school had. So I was Mrs. Firstname, and sometimes even Mrs. Principal Firstname, which was apparently very formal. :D

[angela in ohio]

I do not feel any less of a person when I am identified as my husband's wife or my daughter's mother.

 

My relationships with them ARE defining characteristics of the person *me*. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am. They have made me a better person than I would have been otherwise. (I hope and pray that maybe I have had or will have the same effect on them.) I feel no offense at being known by and through my husband or my daughter - on the contrary I rather like it.

 

:thumbup:

[nono]

Interesting reading. I didn't change my name when I married. But I couldn't care less if someone addresses me as Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. My identity is quite firmly intact. No one addressing me with what is conventional etiquette is going to change that.

[Caroline]

On an envelope, we are The Doctors Lastname. My students call me Dr. Lastname or Dr. Initial, as our last name is hard for people to say/remember for some reason. My kids' friends call me Miss Firstname or Mrs. Last name, depending on their parents' preference. I also answer to my maiden name and my sisters' names.

 

 

I'm curious how you would prefer the envelope be addressed when it is to both you and hubby?

 

Mr. David Williams and Mrs. Jane Williams

 

or

 

David and Jane Williams

 

or

 

Jane and David Williams

 

or

 

Mrs. Jane and David Williams

 

or Jane Doe (because we forgot the name of that guy she married) :lol:

 

ETA: And how would you like to disseminate your preference to the brides-to-be who are pouring over their etiquette books, following protocol and offending people anyway. Sheesh!

[teamturner]

Actually, if you had given the option of "I like it," I would have selected that as "I don't mind" doesn't really express my sentiment on the matter. Like Daisy said, I like being associated with my man! And it is the proper way to address a married couple on written correspondence. There are other such occasions where it would be correct as well, but I don't feel like pulling out my Miss Manners book right now. ;)

[Parrothead]

I'm curious how you would prefer the envelope be addressed when it is to both you and hubby?

 

Mr. David Williams and Mrs. Jane Williams

 

or

 

David and Jane Williams

 

or

 

Jane and David Williams

 

or

 

Mrs. Jane and David Williams

 

or Jane Doe (because we forgot the name of that guy she married) :lol:

 

ETA: And how would you like to disseminate your preference to the brides-to-be who are pouring over their etiquette books, following protocol and offending people anyway. Sheesh!

Correctly you use the title of the people involved. Normally it is Mr. and Mrs. LastName. Or Dr. and Mrs. Or Mr and Dr. depending on which title belongs to whom. For a correspondence that is not overly formal Dick and Jane Smith is perfectly fine if she is Jane Smith. She may be a Jane Jones. Supposedly if one is friendly enough to be using casual address one can use Dick Smith and Jane Jones.

 

For the woman who never took her husband's name one may use Mr. Dick Smith and Ms. Jane Jones. Hopefully if the Smith-Jones couple is being invited to the wedding you are familiar enough to know names are preferred. If not, it may be prudent to consider why one is inviting this couple to one's wedding.

[angela in ohio]

Actually, if you had given the option of "I like it," I would have selected that as "I don't mind" doesn't really express my sentiment on the matter. Like Daisy said, I like being associated with my man!

 

I agree. I almost voted, "Other," because of that. :001_smile:

[Violet Crown]

My dh allowed a very gifted homeschooled teen to unofficially audit a course he was teaching. This very nice boy called him "Professor Lastname" as the other students did, but had been raised to call adults "Miss/Mr Firstname" when young, and just "Firstname" when he got older.

 

Well this poor boy didn't know what to call me! His mom referred to me by my first name, but he clearly understood he couldn't do that when he was calling my husband by honorific + last name. He would get my attention by getting in front of me, catching my eye, and just talking; very awkward when he was some distance behind me and it would have been much more convenient to call me.:lol:

 

I eventually just told him directly, with a smile, that I went by Mrs. Lastname. What a huge look of relief I got.

[MamaSheep]

No, I don't mind a bit for people to know which guy is lucky enough to have won my heart and honorable enough to marry me. I don't insist upon it, but I don't mind either.

[Natalieclare]

I voted "other", as not only do I not mind it, I actually love it.

[regentrude]

Why do you dislike it?

What's the big deal?

 

 

No problem with Mrs Lastname - but I have a problem with Mrs. husband'sfirstname Lastname. I am a person of my own right and not an extension or property of the man I married.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

Not only do I not mind, I actually like it. I'm generally suprised that, imho, someone actually got it right.

[Caitilin]

Mrs. Lastname is fine, and I agree that I am proud to be associated with my DH. However, I am not Mrs. Hisname Lastname; I am, if anything else is required, Mrs. Caitilin Lastname. :D I agree with Regentrude--I am not his property, nor is his identity mine. When we married, we agreed to a shared, new identity, and that one I own and own proudly.

[Satori]

I'd hate it! I am very much my own person. It never occurred to me that someone would address me this way.

 

I wouldn't mind being called Mrs. lastName or Ms. lastName, but never someone else's name.

 

( on iPad, sorry for any typos, felt compelled to respond) :)

[Laurie4b]

I prefer to be addressed with either neither of our names or both our first names; however, I put "I don't mind" because I don't.

 

I once made the mistake of assuming my preference was others' by addressing a widow (my grandmother) in correspondance by Mrs. First name Last name and it really hurt her. :(

[Laurie4b]

Once my husband was addressed as Mr. Laurie! I used to teach 4 year olds at our church and being in the South, I was Miss Laurie to the children in the class. She knew he went with me and called out loudly, 'Mom, there goes Mr. Laurie!" Dh thought it was a hoot.

[ZooRho]

When dh was in the Army, his nickname was Hendog. That meant that I was addressed by all (even the Battery Commander at one point) as Mrs. Hendog!:tongue_smilie:

 

 

THat is funny.

 

my army story with that Lt and Mrs Last name, was actually 10 day before our wedding. We were going through the huge recieving line at the Infantry Ball, ya know one where the Commanding General is in the line too and all the other high ranking comanders and wives.

 

well the guy doing the introductions introduces us as LT and Mrs LAstname, so the first person I look at and SAY

 

well actually we aren't married yet we are getting married in 10 days. SO EVERY SINGLE person in that line finds that out. And speaks to us and congradulates us etc. DH jsut about killed me BEFORE we got married.

 

 

And I don't mind it at all. very old fashioned that way.

[sarawatsonim]

:iagree:

 

I didn't change my name when we got married. I am not an extension of my husband. I am my own person.

 

What's really funny is when telemarketers call our house asking to speak with Mr. My-Last-Name.

 

I didn't change my last name either. I like my last name, it felt kind of weird for me to change it so I didn't. My dh was and is still annoyed by that fact that I didn't, but the kids get his name so why complain.

 

When the telemarketers call here and ask to speak to Mr. My-Last-Name all he has to say is sorry wrong number.

[Melissa in Australia]

I voted other, it has never happened to me

[Garga]

You only have to do a tiny bit of research to see that until the 1970s or so, women were treated pretty badly in America.

 

For example, you could go to college and pass all the courses to become a lawyer--at Harvard--doing better in your class than your male classmates, but when you would go to apply to jobs to become a lawyer, you would be turned down because you were a woman. And this wasn't something that happened rarely--it happened all the time. Only a tiny percentage of women who studied law were actually allowed to become lawyers. The rest were given jobs as assistants and never promoted. (And it wasn't just law--it was anything you studied. You were given entry level jobs, no matter what, just because you were a woman--regardless of how well you did in college or what degrees you had. There were a few women who slipped through the cracks, but most were kept firmly out of the good jobs.)

 

That's just one teeny tiny example. This sort of thing was rampant in our very near past. Women weren't allowed to buy homes in their own names. They weren't allowed to have credit cards in their own names. That sort of thing just frustrates me. And I feel that a huge number of women today do not know our recent history.

 

Being called Mrs. David Smith was a sign that you were not your own person. It was an indication that you were a second class citizen. Women simply did not have the same rights as men. They were pretty much the property and responsibility of their husband.

 

Now, I'm not saying this in a strident tone. It's just a fact. Without being emotional, the injustices towards women are just facts. But a lot of women started having to work, and once they started having to work (economic troubles in the 70s), they started demanding equal treatment as their male coworkers, and here we are: where women don't even remember their recent history and don't even know to be taken aback at being called by their husband's name, as if their own name isn't worth noting.

 

So, I do not like the social etiquette of calling a grown woman by a man's name. It is an outdated etiquette that no longer reflects the culture of today. And thank heavens.

Edited September 26, 2010 by Garga

[AppleGreen]

Mrs. Lastname is fine, and I agree that I am proud to be associated with my DH. However, I am not Mrs. Hisname Lastname; I am, if anything else is required, Mrs. Caitilin Lastname. :D I agree with Regentrude--I am not his property, nor is his identity mine. When we married, we agreed to a shared, new identity, and that one I own and own proudly.

 

:iagree:

I am very happy to have my husband's last name (and it's a pretty cool name!), but I really dislike when things are addressed as Mrs. Hisname Lastname. I get that it is proper "etiquette", but I personally find it offensive. My mother always does it. It seems my MIL just writes Hisname & Myname Lastname.

 

My DH and I were talking about this not long ago. He never knew that was done and was a little surprised. He said he totally understood why that would be annoying. I mean seriously, when you send a birthday card to *me* and you address it Mrs. Hisname Lastname?! (and honestly only my mother regularly does this, so annoying). Actually, now that I think about it I find it rather humorous that my mother does this, but my MIL never does this when she sends a card to me.

[Jen+4dc]

I don't just dislike it....I hate it.

...My husband's first name is NOT my name. I did not morph into my husband when we married. We are two people and we each have our own name.

 

:iagree:

 

 

I hate being addressed as Mrs. _____ period, full stop. That's my MILS name. I KNOW it's the correct way, but I still hate it.

 

 

Maybe when I'm 50 I'll feel better about it, but right now I ask the kids to call me Aunt ______.

I'm okay with Mrs. lastname now that we've been married for so long. It was really hard when we first got married. Sometimes I still don't realize they are talking to me. I have the kids call me Miss Jen, maybe it's the years we spent in the south...;)

 

No problem with Mrs Lastname - but I have a problem with Mrs. husband'sfirstname Lastname. I am a person of my own right and not an extension or property of the man I married.

:iagree:

 

You only have to do a tiny bit of research to see that until the 1970s or so, women were treated pretty badly in America.

...

 

Being called Mrs. David Smith was a sign that you were not your own person. It was an indication that you were a second class citizen. Women simply did not have the same rights as men. They were pretty much the property and responsibility of their husband.

 

Now, I'm not saying this in a strident tone. It's just a fact. Without being emotional, the injustices towards women are just facts. But a lot of women started having to work, and once they started having to work (economic troubles in the 70s), they started demanding equal treatment as their male coworkers, and here we are: where women don't even remember their recent history and don't even know to be taken aback at being called by their husband's name, as if their own name isn't worth noting.

 

So, I do not like the social etiquette of calling a grown woman by a man's name. It is an outdated etiquette that no longer reflects the culture of today. And thank heavens.

:iagree: especially the bolded parts.

 

I didn't change my name for a long time after we got married. I liked who I was and where I came from. It bothered my husband a bit, but not enough to really get upset about. It wasn't until we had kids that I decided I didn't want to hyphenate my (or the kids') last name so I took dh's last name so we could be the "xyz family" and the kids wouldn't have the issue of mom's a "Smith" and dad's a "Jones" but what am I? I know people do this successfully all the time I just chose not to add that to our family dynamics.

Edited September 26, 2010 by Jen+4dc

[jld]

I would feel really strange being addressed that way. My own first name, or secondarily, Mrs. LD, please. :)

[BigMamaBird]

I dislike it, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it and I'd never correct anyone over it. It's sort of like broccoli, I don't care for it, but I can deal with it.

[Ellie]

I thought in writing if you are Mrs. Jane Smith it meant that your husband had died. Otherwise you are Miss or more recently Ms. I've never found this used in speech.

A widow is still Mrs. Orkie Burbaster. :-) It's really never correct to use Mrs. Jane Burbaster, yes, even though many people do. It's properly Mrs. Orkie Burbaster, Jane Burbaster, Ms. Jane Burbaster, Miss Jane Burbaster.:)

[Guest mrsjamiesouth]

My name is Alexis, so you can see I don't mind. I like it.

[GVD22]

 

So, I do not like the social etiquette of calling a grown woman by a man's name. It is an outdated etiquette that no longer reflects the culture of today. And thank heavens.

 

:iagree:

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Mr. and Mrs. Husband's first name and last name, i.e., Mr. and Mrs. David Williams

 

 

Fortunately, I am rarely addressed that way as I don't like it.

 

Depends on the situation. For example, we often get official invitations to military functions that are addressed to DH's Rank and Mrs. Joe Smith.

 

However if someone were sending something just to me, I would expect it to come to Mrs. Jane Smith. If someone is talking about me, it would irritate me a bit to be called Mrs. Joe Smith.

 

I remember that my parents actually quit a church over this. Mom was a secretary for the church and despite asking the pastor repeatedly not to call her Mrs. John Doe, he kept referring to her that way. My mom was rather hard headed in the day. But it just struck her as indicating that the pastor didn't think she had value or added value to the church community on her own, but only as a subset of my dad. Annoyed her to no end.

 

Since my access in the military to a great many things IS dependent on dh's active duty status, I've grown quite used to not only being invited as Mrs Joe Smith but even having my medical records filed under HIS id number. So this is sort of a special case.

 

If someone at scouts called me Mrs Joe Smith, I'd wonder what they were getting at, since dh hasn't been able to come to more than a handful of events, while I'm a senior leader in both our pack and troop.

[kalanamak]

 

What's really funny is when telemarketers call our house asking to speak with Mr. My-Last-Name.

 

When I remember, I respond to "Are you Mrs. So and So?" with

"What! X is married...." and I drop the phone and start shouting in the background. No one has ever stayed on the phone.

[m0mmaBuck]

When I remember, I respond to "Are you Mrs. So and So?" with

"What! X is married...." and I drop the phone and start shouting in the background. No one has ever stayed on the phone.

 

I should try that!

[EthiopianFood]

When I remember, I respond to "Are you Mrs. So and So?" with

"What! X is married...." and I drop the phone and start shouting in the background. No one has ever stayed on the phone.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Dandelion]

When I remember, I respond to "Are you Mrs. So and So?" with

"What! X is married...." and I drop the phone and start shouting in the background. No one has ever stayed on the phone.

 

LOL!! That's brilliant... I hope I get the chance to try that one out soon... :lol:

 

As to the original question, it happens rarely that we receive something addressed that way. Although I don't particularly care for it (proper etiquette notwithstanding), it doesn't bother me.

[Peela]

I don't even use my husband's surname so I would not appreciate it.

It is a leftover anachronism from a very patriarchal society where women were seen as literally owned by men.

Not something I wish to promote.

[GVD22]

When I remember, I respond to "Are you Mrs. So and So?" with

"What! X is married...." and I drop the phone and start shouting in the background. No one has ever stayed on the phone.

 

:smilielol5::smilielol5:

[Violet Crown]

A widow is still Mrs. Orkie Burbaster. :-) It's really never correct to use Mrs. Jane Burbaster, yes, even though many people do. It's properly Mrs. Orkie Burbaster, Jane Burbaster, Ms. Jane Burbaster, Miss Jane Burbaster.:)

 

Mrs. Jane Burbaster was considered the correct form for divorcees. My grandmother, who never violated a social rule, went by Mrs. Jane Thirdhusbandslastname since I was old enough to remember.

[RoughCollie]

May I ask why? DD says she wants to keep her last name when she marries.

 

I like my maiden name a lot. It is part of my identity. I do not like DH's last name.

 

When I married him, I thought that at least I would not have to spell my last name any more. Wrong! It is a common, one syllable, last name, you'd think even a barely literate person could spell it, but that's not the case.

 

I did not want DH and I, or the kids and I, to have different last names. DH refused to change his last name, and he point blank refused to marry me if I did not take his.

[nmoira]

It is a leftover anachronism from a very patriarchal society where women were seen as literally owned by men.

Not something I wish to promote.

Exactly, and in the west we no longer expect that young women not go out unaccompanied, or that it is the duty of the woman of the household to bathe male guests, or that women use a bathing machine when visiting the seashore. Accepted etiquette changes as a response to the times and to changes in institutions. Those who fight it are as doomed as those who rail against the evolution of language.

[Mom-ninja.]

So, I do not like the social etiquette of calling a grown woman by a man's name. It is an outdated etiquette that no longer reflects the culture of today. And thank heavens.

 

Exactly.

 

 

Exactly, and in the west we no longer expect that young women not go out unaccompanied, or that it is the duty of the woman of the household to bathe male guests, or that women use a bathing machine when visiting the seashore. Accepted etiquette changes as a response to the times and to changes in institutions. Those who fight it are as doomed as those who rail against the evolution of language.

 

Nor is it illegal anymore for unmarried women to get birth control. It is also no longer the case that a married woman needed her husband's permission to get birth control.

 

I know enough about how women were treated in our past that I am thankful I did not live then.

 

I refuse to accept a remaining reminder of how women were thought of as beneath men and simply call it proper etiquette.

[nono]

When I remember, I respond to "Are you Mrs. So and So?" with

"What! X is married...." and I drop the phone and start shouting in the background. No one has ever stayed on the phone.

 

Oh, the downside of the Do Not Call list. I used to love doing things like this to unsolicited phone inquiries. Nicely played! :)

[kalanamak]

Nicely played! :)

 

I'm thinking of doing the broken-hearted drunk next time. A long pause, a slurred "oh no", sobs.

 

I got a call from India just the other day, trying to sell me anti-virus software (I think). He was evasive and trying to make it sound like he was from my ISP. When I got the drift, I started throwing in Hindi (which I know only a few words of), like

"So, are you a subcontractor for X? I mean, (fenugreek), I haven't heard X was doing (cheese cubes) this kind of thing (cloves). Because if you aren't (thankyou) working for X, (sweetheart as said to small children) I'd rather not talk to you (horrible 4 letter insult of female)."

He said something to someone else "they are not responding" and hung up.

[TravelingChris]

Well dh and I have different last names so no, I don't like it when someone gets my last name wrong. We are military and haven't had problems with this. In fact, at one of our last dinners, there were three married couples at the table with different last names.