What's the correct etiquette...

[Oak Knoll Mom]

I think it was just two adults and a teenager.

 

Since the OP also has three or four children younger than the birthday boy, perhaps the parents of the invited children don't really know whether there will be 5 kids or 9. Come to think of it, they might not actually know how many were invited to begin with and are imagining 20, lol.

 

Exactly. The parents of the invited children probably have no idea 1) how many kids are going to be there, and 2) if there is going to be one adult dedicated to supervising.

[Oak Knoll Mom]

I tried to resist replying to this thread with my story, but after walking away from my computer, I felt that I should tell my story. I will try to keep it short.

 

What a horrible experience! I'm so glad your daughter was pulled from the pool in time. :grouphug:

[LibraryLover]

I assume parties are drop-offs, unless it's a large family-type party (which many are here). If I am not sure, I usually ask, as really, it's not often clear.

Edited August 14, 2010 by LibraryLover

[TCB]

I, too, would not leave my 11 year old at a pool party. I just would not like to put that responsibility on the hostess. I don't trust anyone to watch my child as well as her father and I do. However I would not expect to be fed. If you must provide something how about a bag of chips and some salsa for parents.

 

I realise not all parents feel this way but for those of us that do, we would never forgive ourselves if something happened to our child. Not all are strong swimmers.

[Amy loves Bud]

I think it was just two adults and a teenager.

 

Since the OP also has three or four children younger than the birthday boy, perhaps the parents of the invited children don't really know whether there will be 5 kids or 9. Come to think of it, they might not actually know how many were invited to begin with and are imagining 20, lol.

 

Even so, I understand feeling like the parents have to trust, at some point, that the hostess is a responsible person.

 

I guess i consider her 19 year old an adult.

 

I agree that if the parents don't know how many kids will be there, they might be concerned and being clear up front (with the invitations) would be a wise thing.

 

Additionally, I think it would be perfectly appropriate to tell the people who've said they were coming (especially the one planning to bring the entire family) that this party was planned for the birthday boy and his friends, and while she hopes they can get together soon as families, she wants to reserve this day for the boys. She can then explain that there will be the two parents and the 19yr old supervising 5 boys (or nine if the other sibs will be swimming), and then the parents can decide to allow their child to come or not.

 

It's clear from this thread that expectations vary widely for something like this, so clear communication is key on both sides.

 

I'm gathering from what I've read here that at age 11 the assumption is there that parents are invited, but at 16 it's not. At what age does that change? I'm just thinking my son (12 tomorrow) is a very strong swimmer and very level-headed. I really don't expect a great deal more maturity in terms of things like horseplay and the like over the next 4 years. In fact, I'm praying he stays this way when he starts driving. But that's a whole 'nother thread. :001_smile:

[Nestof3]

I have noticed this happen before, and what annoys me about it is that having the adults around distracts me from my kid's party and his guests. My younger sons haven't had many parties, but I remember this from Aaron's.

 

If a child is invited to a party, the child is the only one invited. I don't see what's so hard about this. I have had my kids invited, and then the mom tells me I am invited too because we are friends. This happens a lot with my friends that have many children. They usually end up being big parties anyway.

 

If my son were invited to a pool party, and I did not feel comfortable with him swimming there, I would ask the hostess if I could come OR I would decline. I would sort of feel it out. I would never presume upon coming. If I knew the person well, and my son had swum there before, I would trust the hostess anyway. If I really felt I needed to be there, I would talk to the hostess about this privately, and if the hostess were okay with it, I would offer to help out in some way.

 

I would never invite myself to anything, and I do think it's very rude that these people did that.

 

If you do not feel comfortable with your child swimming without your supervision, it's probably best overall to just decline and explain the reason to the hostess.

Edited August 13, 2010 by nestof3

[Nestof3]

Exactly. The parents of the invited children probably have no idea 1) how many kids are going to be there, and 2) if there is going to be one adult dedicated to supervising.

 

But, this is something that can be discussed. I would not just assume I were invited to a party just because I felt uncomfortable. My comfort level and my child's ability to swim are not the hostess' problem. They are mine.

[Ellie]

Yes, from an etiquette stand point you are correct, the invite is for the boys only, BUT I think you threw in the added dynamic of the pool. Water is just different and I personally wouldn't feel comfortable just dropping my child off at someone's house for a pool party. I wouldn't feel comfortable at the community pool with lifeguards either and have stayed with my children. I have also happily passed on cake and food, I am there to keep my children safe, not for the food. I don't feel comfortable w/ other people taking my children swimming.

If you don't feel comfortable, then the correct thing to do would be to not allow your dc to attend.:)

[goldberry]

This thread has a great lesson - specify on the invitation!

 

"this is a drop off party"

"parents are welcome to stay or drop off, please RSVP"

"parent help welcomed"

 

It would never have occured to me that people would feel so differently. Sending distant apologies to any hosts I have made "furious" in the past!

[texasmama]

OK, in the interest of full disclosure, as a host I would feel obligated to feed any guests, invited or not. As a guest, I would not expect it. :tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: I would put out several bags of chips, dips and some iced tea or water for the parents. Not much expense is incurred this way.

[Danestress]

I guess i consider her 19 year old an adult.

 

 

 

She said her oldest daughter would be there. I think the 19 year old is a son.

 

But anyway, a 15 year old is probably equipped to watch a pool.

[OleanderRain]

Don't be furious that the parents think they are invited. It's a very common practice for parents to attend the parties with their children. I think many more people feel that it is bad etiquette to just drop their children off. However I don't think it's the norm to assume the whole family is invited. That's impolite. Growing up, around here, parents have generally stayed at the parties unless it's a sleep over or it was specified in advance. I've never been to a pool party where parents left their kids. I do agree, I would feel obligated to feed the parents as well, if it were me I would plan for it. (Although I wouldn't expect to eat at my kid's friend party unless it was obvious they had food for everyone.) Do you have a cheaper option for pizza in your area? Pizza here ranges from $5 to $13. Or have hot dogs, chips, and iced tea instead, that would surely cut the costs. Good luck with the party, it sounds like it will be a blast for your son.

[AlaskaGrownFamily]

This thread has a great lesson - specify on the invitation!

 

"this is a drop off party"

"parents are welcome to stay or drop off, please RSVP"

"parent help welcomed"

 

It would never have occured to me that people would feel so differently. Sending distant apologies to any hosts I have made "furious" in the past!

 

Yes. This.

 

That said, I just can't imagine getting my knickers in a twist over a few extra unexpected attendees. :confused: I'd just order another pizza or two along with some extra snacks and celebrate!

[dm379]

I don't think it had ever occured to me to just drop the kids off. This is a good lesson. When ds turned 7 we had a party at the bowling alley and all the parents stayed except for a set of twins. I needed every extra set of hands to help wrangle those two and I was grateful for the help. I'm trying to imagine how much a bunch of 11 yr. old boys can eat. Not looking forward to those days.

[teachermom2834]

I feel awful thinking that I have upset hostesses in the past if I have stayed. I never would have thought I was "inviting myself". I never thought an invite like that excluded a parent. I would never, however, bring a sibling to a party uninvited. To me that is different than a parent.

 

I guess parties have fallen into two categories for us. The first scenario is one in which I am friends with the mom and I love the birthday kid and I am obviously invited and expected to stay and help. The second scenario is one in which I barely know the parents or kid and it wouldn't feel right leaving. I have dropped off when I felt it appropriate but I usually plan on staying unless I get a vibe that no one else is else.

 

I'm feeling like quite the heel right now and going back through the different parties I've attended and trying to decide who I ticked off.

[AppleGreen]

If you don't feel comfortable, then the correct thing to do would be to not allow your dc to attend.:)

 

It was a non issue in the party I was referring to. Really. I merely used it as an example b/c none of the adults present had cake and it wasn't a big deal. These were very close friends who would rather have my children present than miss b/c of the type of party they had. Poor example. My children have missed parties I didn't feel comfortable w/ them attending.

 

I think this thread is a perfect example of why if you have a certain outcome in mnd you need to clearly state that rather than relaying on some unspoken code of etiquette that others may or may not interpret the same as you. I have sent invitations to children only b/ c it is fun for kids to get mail addressed to them. It never occured to me I wad leaving the parents out or that they might feel unwelcome (and thankfully I have a tight knit group of friends who wouldn't feel left out). I don't think most people think to apply proper etiquitte to children's parties. :shrug

[Amy loves Bud]

I don't think most people think to apply proper etiquitte to children's parties. :shrug

 

I know. Which is why I'm tracking down RSVPs for my daughter's party tomorrow.

[Catwoman]

The boys were invited; their parents were not. It is presumptuous for any parents to assume they may stay. I would be more sympathetic if someone offered to stay *and help,* but just to stay...no. The rule of thumb is that only the person whose name is on the invitation is the one who is actually invited. This is true of *everything,* even when people don't understand that this is so. The hostess has figured out expenses and how much food she'll need and everything; to have two or three times that number of guests would surely overwhelm her budget and her plans, KWIM?

 

If anyone says she's staying, you could say something like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I've only planned food and drinks and whatnot for the birthday boy and the friends he's invited," and wait to see what she says. It is hoped that she'll say she'll come back to pick up little Orkie instead of sitting poolside and waiting. If she insists on staying, then of course she must be fed, but she should not expect to stay. Really.

 

If this were a party for a bunch of toddlers, then of course parents would be invited and needed. These are older dc, who should be self-sustaining (within the parameters of its being a *pool* party, of course, something which I'm sure the OP has thought about).

 

ETA: FTR, Miss Manners says it's acceptable to greet parents at the door and say, "Oh, you can pick up Orkie at 4. No, he'll be fine, really. See you later."

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

These kids are 11, not 3. There is no reason for the parents to assume that they are invited. I could definitely understand that a parent whose child wasn't a good swimmer, or even another parent who didn't know the hosts or other guest well enough to know whether or not there would be adequate supervision in and around the pool might ask if he or she (one parent only) could hang around and "help," , but again, they should ask first -- and not try to turn it into a party for their entire family. One parent watching his or her own child is more than adequate. Anything more than that is excessive. (In my own case, I would want to be there, but if it was obvious that parents weren't invited, I'd either ask, or simply decline the invitation.)

 

As the OP mentioned, this is a birthday party, not a general get-together.

 

I would never assume that I was invited to a party, unless the invitation was very specific, but that's how I was raised. I think this is an excellent lesson for all of us, that we can't assume anything, and that our invitations may need to be more specific if we want to avoid awkward situations.

 

Cat

Edited August 13, 2010 by Catwoman

[Jugglin'5]

Wow...it is so interesting to hear this point of view. My dd is 11. If these were 15 y/o and up we were talking about I could understand it. But at 11, I would feel really weird if I WEREN'T welcome. I am more likely to ASK, "can I just drop her off?" than I am to ask "are parents welcome". Although I can see from this thread it is best to ask either way!

 

I know there are parents who routinely just "drop off" the kids. But I know plenty of parents of kids older than toddlers who would never do that. I'm sure it was more of a misunderstanding than an intended rudeness.

 

To be honest, if I was told specifically that parents weren't welcome, I would seriously consider whether or not I would accept the invitation.

 

Just giving you another point of view!

 

:iagree: It is considered to be somewhat rude among my circle of friends to just assume you can drop off, so I always ask. Most moms appreciate another set of hands to serve or eyes to supervise.

[LuvToRead]

I think you should have handled it when they first let you know they were coming.

Mom - "Just letting you know little Johnnie and I will be at the party"

You - "I'm sorry, but I was just inviting the boys, I hope this isn't a problem There will be plenty of adult supervision".

 

But, where I live, most parents would stay. I usually have to drive 20 or 30 minutes to birthday parties, so unless I have some errands to run in town, I generally stay. But, my kids are still young, too.

 

But now I'm feeding 8 more people instead of the 4 extra boys. And 4 extra Adults. That takes it from 3 pizzas to 6 pizzas. It DOUBLES the size of the party.

 

 

 

You are only having 4 extra adults, right? Or do you mean there will be 2 parents with each boy? I do have to admit I'm not sure how 4 extra adults constitutes ordering 3 additional pizzas. If three was enough for 7 people, shouldn't 4 (maybe 5), be enough for 11?

[Imprimis]

I don't quite understand the fury.

 

The invitations I've sent and received for children's birthday parties have never included the parent's names.

 

I've just always expected that some parents would remain and some would drop-off their children. Whatever they were more comfortable with was fine with me.

 

Now, I could see if we're talking about a formal dinner where an exact head count would be essential. But, a kid's birthday party? I would just have some extra bags of pretzels, chips, or veggies ready to put out if more were needed.

 

Enjoy the party!

[justamouse]

My family alone eats three pizzas. I figured another for the 4 boys and now I have to get another for the other adults and one extra just in case-swimming makes you very hungry. A pizza here costs 20 bucks. I would make them myself, but slinging out 6 pizzas while supervising a pool party is not an option. Pizza is what the birthday boy wanted. I wanted to give him what he wanted.

 

I don't think it had ever occured to me to just drop the kids off. This is a good lesson. When ds turned 7 we had a party at the bowling alley and all the parents stayed except for a set of twins. I needed every extra set of hands to help wrangle those two and I was grateful for the help. I'm trying to imagine how much a bunch of 11 yr. old boys can eat. Not looking forward to those days.

 

A bowling party is a whole different thing. It's a public place adn the parents of the birthday child aren't obligated to feed the other parents who attend-there's a snack bar, they can pay for themselves. Comparing a party at a house to a party at a destination is apples and oranges. (unless it's a sit down dinner party at a resteraunt)

[hornblower]

I also don't get siblings thing, though I see it around here a lot. "By us", unless both siblings happen to be active friends of the child in question, only the one that's a friend is invited and only that one comes, even if siblings are close in age. Those that aren't close in age are never brought to a party anyway - I can't imagine a case of a 7 y.o. on a 13 y.o.'s birthday party as a sibling of an invited child.

 

I find one of the great joys of my homeschooling community is that age barriers are much less rigid. At our parties we always included the siblings. So a party for a 7yo might have kids ranging from a toddler to a 16yo. It's all good, it's all fun & there's something very special about being young and attending a bigger child's party; as well as being older & attending a younger child's party & accomodating themselves to making the day special for the youngster.

 

If I were in the OP's shoes I'd be delighted! I'd put those parents to work to help prep for the next party. "So glad you could come! I'm just a bit frazzled because silly me, I planned an extended family party for tonight! Would you mind chopping up these 3 cucumbers for the greek salad! Thanks!"

 

For the cost of a slice of pizza you get some adults who can help keep the mess down to a reasonable level, help you clean up, & help you prep for later.

 

I've btdt with back to backing a kids' & family party & before the parents had left they had loaded the dishwasher & started running it, & helped rearrange & set the tables for the evening party. They weren't at the party to be entertained or fed (or maybe they thought they were coming to be entertained & were sorely disappointed! :lol:) - mostly they just hang out & help out.

 

Relax. It's meant to be fun. :D

[justamouse]

I don't quite understand the fury.

 

The invitations I've sent and received for children's birthday parties have never included the parent's names.

 

I've just always expected that some parents would remain and some would drop-off their children. Whatever they were more comfortable with was fine with me.

 

Now, I could see if we're talking about a formal dinner where an exact head count would be essential. But, a kid's birthday party? I would just have some extra bags of pretzels, chips, or veggies ready to put out if more were needed.

 

Enjoy the party!

 

That not an option, this was a luncheon and pool party, not snacks. Throwing out another bowl of chips does not sit well with me as a hostess.

 

The invites were addressed to the boys-

 

Master _________ __________, not the parents. If I wanted the parents I would have written them ie: The Smith Family

[justamouse]

 

Relax. It's meant to be fun. :D

 

I will. I mean, no one will know how upset I was, that's for sure.

 

We havn't had the house to have a party for any of my children, and I'm not big into having destination parties. In a family as large as ours, they all get lumped in with the 'group' all the time. They have very few times to be celebrated as an individual. He is very much looking forward to having a day just for him, and not having to share with his little brother/sisters. I really didn't want siblings of his friends for the same reason. That's what always happens. Then the youngers bother the olders-this is for the one son and his friends.

 

As for the pool, believe me, I was terrified when we moved here because it's so easy to drown. I keep a hawkeye on the pool-even the strong swimmers. This is why it's not a toddler party, no 5 year olds, no smaller siblings. These boys are tall enough to stand in the shallow end. Two of them are excellent swimmers, two are not so great. I know exactly what I'm dealilng with here and did it all this way on purpose.

 

Am I going to have fun? Yes. But I learned my lesson. I will now be even MORE specific, than just the invite.

[Caitilin]

:grouphug:Justamouse.:grouphug:

 

I am sorry this is such a headache for you. I can understand why you feel that you've been blindsided by the other families. I think the problem is that you have a much more highly developed sense of etiquette than the other families do; unfortunately, I don't think there's anything else you can do now, given your own social grace as a hostess. I know it's hard with a big family to have something special for an individual child--I hope that it goes better than you anticipate.

 

 

 

 

(By the way, I also hate it when an invite to one child assumes that the younger sibling(s) are invited too--as you say, they annoy the older ones, and it changes the dynamic radically.)

[NanceXToo]

I don't know, I guess I'll just never see it your way or understand your thinking.

 

First, I have always addressed my children's party invitations to their friends, because that is who they are inviting. However, I've ALWAYS assumed that a parent might either drop them off or stick around to keep an eye on their kid/wait for their kid. I have NEVER considered parents unwelcome at my children's birthday parties- yet I still don't address the invitations to the "family" or word them to specifically invite the parents. I've never seen anyone do that. Same with any invitation my child has ever received.

 

About the food issue, sometimes I'll word the invitations to say something like "lunch will be provided for the kids" so the parents know that their children will be fed a meal, which also implies that it is ONLY the children I am feeding, even if the adults decide to stick around. But really it has never been an issue. Any party I've ever gone to where we parents stick around, we've just sat and chatted and did not expect to be fed, and did not just help ourselves to food. If someone came over and specifically said, "Hey, help yourselves, we've got plenty," that's a different story. But more often than not, that wasn't the way it happened. And nobody cared. Really. We KNEW it was the kids who were there to celebrate. We were just hanging out and keeping an eye on our kids.

 

You keep going back to how the parents weren't "invited" but I think you're missing the point that parents who decide to stay at a party to keep an eye on their kids just don't see themselves as "invited guests," and do NOT expect to be treated as such, which makes the "but they weren't specifically invited!" issue moot.

 

Many parents think it would be downright rude of them to just drop their children off and leave, having the hostess left to run the party, celebrate with her child, and supervise/monitor everyone else's children, too.

 

They either think they are doing you a favor/doing the right thing, or they think that they are helping to ensure their children's good behavior and safety by sticking around. Either way, they're not expecting you to treat them the same as the invited kids, and neither of those scenarios are a cause for the kind of angerness and bitterness I see in your thread. I would be so uncomfortable with a parent like you. It's actually baffling to me to think of someone reacting this way to my hanging around with my child at a birthday party, I've just never encountered this sort of attitude before. Ever. We'd likely just decline and stay home if I knew a parent felt as strongly about this as you do, because you would SERIOUSLY make me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

 

Since you are worried about/having trouble with the financial aspect of providing extra food, again: You are NOT obligated to buy food for them. They won't expect you to. But if YOUR way of thinking, personality, whatever the case may be won't allow you to think of it that way, then why don't you just call the parents up, and say "As you know, we're ordering some pizzas for the kids. If any of the adults who are sticking around would like to chip in toward an extra pie for themselves, let me know and I'll be happy to order it at the same time as I order the others."

 

Or go ahead and give them some potato chips and ice water and call it good, plenty of people have already reassured you that it's perfectly acceptable to do that.

 

But acting like you're forced to provide a meal and getting this angry about it? Wow. I don't get that.

 

I'd rather have a hostess who made me feel welcome to be with my children than a hostess who fed me pizza.

 

Just saying.

 

At the VERY least you should understand by this point that the parents who are staying are not doing it to be rude, and do not consider it rude, and are making a choice that is not only considered widely socially acceptable, but also actually polite in many circles. Since your viewpoint differs from a lot of other peoples, maybe next time you can just be much more specific in the wording of your invitation, and spare yourself the fury.

[Jugglin'5]

 

You keep going back to how the parents weren't "invited" but I think you're missing the point that parents who decide to stay at a party to keep an eye on their kids just don't see themselves as "invited guests," and do NOT expect to be treated as such, which makes the "but they weren't specifically invited!" issue moot.

 

Many parents think it would be downright rude of them to just drop their children off and leave, having the hostess left to run the party, celebrate with her child, and supervise/monitor everyone else's children, too.

 

They either think they are doing you a favor/doing the right thing, or they think that they are helping to ensure their children's good behavior and safety by sticking around. Either way, they're not expecting you to treat them the same as the invited kids, and neither of those scenarios are a cause for the kind of angerness and bitterness I see in your thread. I would be so uncomfortable with a parent like you. It's actually baffling to me to think of someone reacting this way to my hanging around with my child at a birthday party, I've just never encountered this sort of attitude before. Ever. We'd likely just decline and stay home if I knew a parent felt as strongly about this as you do, because you would SERIOUSLY make me feel awkward and uncomfortable.

 

Since you are worried about/having trouble with the financial aspect of providing extra food, again: You are NOT obligated to buy food for them. They won't expect you to. But if YOUR way of thinking, personality, whatever the case may be won't allow you to think of it that way, then why don't you just call the parents up, and say "As you know, we're ordering some pizzas for the kids. If any of the adults who are sticking around would like to chip in toward an extra pie for themselves, let me know and I'll be happy to order it at the same time as I order the others."

 

Or go ahead and give them some potato chips and ice water and call it good, plenty of people have already reassured you that it's perfectly acceptable to do that.

 

But acting like you're forced to provide a meal and getting this angry about it? Wow. I don't get that.

 

I'd rather have a hostess who made me feel welcome to be with my children than a hostess who fed me pizza.

 

Just saying.

 

At the VERY least you should understand by this point that the parents who are staying are not doing it to be rude, and do not consider it rude, and are making a choice that is not only considered widely socially acceptable, but also actually polite in many circles. Since your viewpoint differs from a lot of other peoples, maybe next time you can just be much more specific in the wording of your invitation, and spare yourself the fury.

 

This. :iagree:

[Lovedtodeath]

Could you maybe just ask them to bring something? Oh, you are staying for the party too? Great! Can you bring... so that we can be sure to have enough for everyone?

[Ellie]

I, too, would not leave my 11 year old at a pool party. I just would not like to put that responsibility on the hostess. I don't trust anyone to watch my child as well as her father and I do. However I would not expect to be fed. If you must provide something how about a bag of chips and some salsa for parents.

 

I realise not all parents feel this way but for those of us that do, we would never forgive ourselves if something happened to our child. Not all are strong swimmers.

Then it would be a party invitation that you'd decline.

[Amy loves Bud]

Since your viewpoint differs from a lot of other peoples, maybe next time you can just be much more specific in the wording of your invitation, and spare yourself the fury.

 

But her viewpoint doesn't differ from everyone's. And since the invitation was addressed to a child, then I think the it falls to the parent who wants to come to say, "I'd like to come to keep an eye on little Joey, because he's not such a strong swimmer. I'll stay out of the way, and PLEASE don't prepare additional food for me. Will that be alright with you?"

 

And the next question, which I asked before but no one answered is: At what age does this become a non-issue? Twelve? Fifteen? Eighteen? When is Little Joey assumed to be big enough to be at a supervised party at a trusted friend's house?

 

For me, I would have absolutely no problem with an eleven year old going without me in this circumstance. So, I really want to know the answer to I can prepare myself for this in the future. At what age can I invite 10 kids, and expect to provide a party for 10 people?

 

BTW, my daughter is turning 10 tomorrow and my son turned 12 today. Both are having pool parties. No parents are attending. So it's not "generally" assumed that parents are invited.

[Jenny in GA]

And every birthday party invitation that my DD has ever received beginning at around age 1 YO only had her name on them. So based on the name on the invitation, she was the only one invited - so I really don't think that is a good indicators with kids invitations.

 

:iagree:

 

I was thinking the same thing! Has anyone really gotten an invitation addressed to " Jane Smith and her mother" when their child was one or two years old and invited to birthday parties? I know I haven't! And yet I think people would have probably been stunned and annoyed if I'd dropped off my one year daughter and went home!

 

But to address the OP's concerns ... we actually had a pool party last month. A couple of the mothers asked if they should or should not stay. I told them either was fine. A couple did stay, and offered to bring a snack or drink, which I took them up on.

 

It didn't bother me at all that they stayed. They minded their own business, so to speak, spoke among themselves, and didn't eat any of the food for the kids.

 

There was one lady in particular who came from another part of town, and I would have felt very rude telling her to go spend two hours driving around trying to find a store to hang out at.

 

That said, I appreciated that fact the women asked if they could stay, and that they offered to bring refreshments (which we didn't really need, but it was a nice gesture).

 

Jenny

[Danestress]

The invites were addressed to the boys-

 

Master _________ __________, not the parents. If I wanted the parents I would have written them ie: The Smith Family

 

and actually, I think most of us agree that you are correct about the "rules" here.

 

I think what is perplexing is the level anger you are expressing when in most of our minds, it seems like just a misunderstanding. Even though I understand the "rules" of parties, most of us sort of assume that at age two, parents are expected to attend even though invitations are often addressed just to the child. So I don't really know when that changes and to what extent the pool factor changes that. While you might be right about what should be understood from the invitation, it just seems strange to be so angry that other people don't understand it. And while I understand that money is tight, we are talking about $20 for an extra pizza which they probably won't even eat.

 

I used to get really annoyed that people didn't have the same expectations I have regarding things like writing thank you notes, responding to invitations, dressing appropriately for events, etc. My mom was a stickler. But I have come to see that some people really don't know the "rules" and they are still lovely people and good friends. Your son's friends' parents could have all responded, "Thank you for the invitation but X will be unable to attend" because they were not comfortable with the pool and unsure of how much you would be able to supervise while also doing "party stuff" and watching your own young ones. That might have been the correct thing to do, rather than come themselves. But for your son, it might have been really sad. I would rather shell out the extra money for a pizza than have my son's party dwindle.

[Mom22ns]

Wow...it is so interesting to hear this point of view. My dd is 11. If these were 15 y/o and up we were talking about I could understand it. But at 11, I would feel really weird if I WEREN'T welcome. I am more likely to ASK, "can I just drop her off?" than I am to ask "are parents welcome". Although I can see from this thread it is best to ask either way!

<snip>

To be honest, if I was told specifically that parents weren't welcome, I would seriously consider whether or not I would accept the invitation.

 

Just giving you another point of view!

 

I totally agree with this. I showed up to drop my 11 yo ds at a pool part recently and the moms sitting around said, "Aren't you staying?" The kids at the party ranged from 10-13 the girl having a b-day was turning 12. It is just very common for parents to stay at parties, especially involving a pool. I didn't, but if I was ever told I couldn't, I wouldn't let my child go. I would think something was wrong.

 

As for what you can do, serve cheap food! :lol: As a parent, if I attend with my kids I don't expect to be fed. I expect them to be fed and if there are left-overs and I'm offered, I might accept, but I don't plan to eat. Serve the kids first and if there are left-overs offer them to the parents.

[Lovedtodeath]

I haven't read all of the replies. I am amazed at how many people are attacking the OP. She just hasn't ever said anything to bother me.

 

:grouphug:

 

That said, if my friends are close then I feel comfortable saying, "Oh, I didn't expect parents to stay, if you want to do that will you bring your own food?" If we weren't close, I would still say it because then I wouldn't care if they thought it was rude. :tongue_smilie:

[Ellie]

I feel awful thinking that I have upset hostesses in the past if I have stayed. I never would have thought I was "inviting myself". I never thought an invite like that excluded a parent. I would never, however, bring a sibling to a party uninvited. To me that is different than a parent.

 

I guess parties have fallen into two categories for us. The first scenario is one in which I am friends with the mom and I love the birthday kid and I am obviously invited and expected to stay and help. The second scenario is one in which I barely know the parents or kid and it wouldn't feel right leaving. I have dropped off when I felt it appropriate but I usually plan on staying unless I get a vibe that no one else is else.

 

I'm feeling like quite the heel right now and going back through the different parties I've attended and trying to decide who I ticked off.

The rule of thumb is that only the person whose name is actually on the invitation is the one who is invited. Parents who give parties for younger dc and who expect their parents to say should write make that clear; otherwise, especially for older dc, it's just the dc. Parents who don't feel comfortable letting their dc attend alone should decline the invitation.

[Nestof3]

I am guessing she is just venting -- not really on the verge of unleashing wrath on anyone. I just assume people (including myself) use stronger words than we normally would once we have gotten over something.

 

 

 

I think what is perplexing is the level anger you are expressing when in most of our minds, it seems like just a misunderstanding.

[teachermom2834]

The rule of thumb is that only the person whose name is actually on the invitation is the one who is invited. Parents who give parties for younger dc and who expect their parents to say should write make that clear; otherwise, especially for older dc, it's just the dc. Parents who don't feel comfortable letting their dc attend alone should decline the invitation.

 

I certainly am now aware of this. I will be very careful how I proceed with these things in the future.

 

My parents taught me nothing of proper etiquette. I so hope that grace and understanding has been extended to me when I have made what is obviously such a rude error. I am not a rude person. I don't look to invite myself, intrude, or take advantage of someone's generosity toward my child. I feel just awful thinking that I may have caused similar feelings in someone in the past.

 

I am actually very glad to have learned this. I guess there is no excuse for not knowing this but I admit I did not. I certainly would never have brought siblings uninvited, ate, or made myself part of the party but I always thought (with one child in particular) that my hanging around to make sure he behaved was a good thing. I never thought I was contributing to the stress level of the hostess.

 

Now I know :)

[CAMom]

The rule of thumb is that only the person whose name is actually on the invitation is the one who is invited. Parents who give parties for younger dc and who expect their parents to say should write make that clear; otherwise, especially for older dc, it's just the dc. Parents who don't feel comfortable letting their dc attend alone should decline the invitation.

 

I think what most people are saying is that a parent attending with their child does not think they are invited to the party. They simply mean they are hanging around to help with the supervision. That's why all the comments that feeding a parent is not necessary-they don't consider themselves an invited guest.

 

When I've taken my kids to parties, I almost always have hung around and I have rarely eaten a thing because I'm not typically an invited guest.

 

As a mom, I'd much rather have other parents hang with their kids if that what makes them feel comfortable then have my child be disappointed that their friends can't come.:confused:

[Pretty in Pink]

OP, I understand that you felt frustrated when your expectations did not meet with reality in this scenario. I totally get that. Let me reiterate, however, that your ds is blessed to have friends with whom he can share his birthday. Maybe the proper thing for the other parents to do would have been to decline the invitation if they weren't comfortable dropping off at a pool party, but it would have been hurtful your ds to have none of his friends show up. Try to see the bright side.

 

I think you can be fair and admit that the other parents mean no imposition to you, even if their behavior seems rude to you. The duty to host these other parents is one that I think you're placing upon yourself. That's your choice. But you do have options. You've received many good suggestions throughout this thread.

 

I hope you are able to enjoy your ds's party. :grouphug:

[Ellie]

OP, I understand that you felt frustrated when your expectations did not meet with reality in this scenario. I totally get that. Let me reiterate, however, that your ds is blessed to have friends with whom he can share his birthday. Maybe the proper thing for the other parents to do would have been to decline the invitation if they weren't comfortable dropping off at a pool party, but it would have been hurtful your ds to have none of his friends show up. Try to see the bright side.

 

I think you can be fair and admit that the other parents mean no imposition to you, even if their behavior seems rude to you. The duty to host these other parents is one that I think you're placing upon yourself. That's your choice. But you do have options. You've received many good suggestions throughout this thread.

 

I hope you are able to enjoy your ds's party. :grouphug:

She's going to have to spend up to $100 on food. Where's the bright side in that?:confused: Admitting that the other parents meant no harm doesn't help the budget at all, nor the plans she had made to entertain a few boys at a pool party which now includes either ignoring parents hovering on the sidelines or involving them somehow. :confused:

[Imprimis]

She's going to have to spend up to $100 on food. Where's the bright side in that?:confused: Admitting that the other parents meant no harm doesn't help the budget at all, nor the plans she had made to entertain a few boys at a pool party which now includes either ignoring parents hovering on the sidelines or involving them somehow. :confused:

 

Wow. After reading this post, I feel even more thankful for the circle of friends (and their parents!) my children have been involved with over the years.

[Pretty in Pink]

She's going to have to spend up to $100 on food.

 

Respectfully, no she does not.

 

The OP has several options. She can serve the extra adults nothing. She can serve them light refreshments. She can serve cheap sides to stretch the pizza. She can buy frozen pizza and ask her dh or teenage daughter to stay in the kitchen and cook, since their assistance poolside will no longer be necessary. She can scrap the pizza altogether in favor of something less expensive, such as hot dogs/chips/sodas, explain to her ds what happened, and maybe offer to order pizza the night before for the family if she really wants him to have his birthday pizza. Or, she can provide enough take-out pizza for every person at the party to have their fill, which is the most expensive option by far.

 

The bright side is that her son is having his buddies over to celebrate his birthday. That's all that I'm getting at. Sure, the unaccounted for parents kind of throw a wrench into her original plans. It's okay. Adapt and overcome, right? It's not the end of the world.

 

We are a military family. Maybe I'm sensitive about the challenges of making new friends and then having to leave them behind shortly after you've really gotten to know them. We've been here for a year and my ds11 has one good friend here. Just one. So, we won't be having this delimma in a few weeks when he turns 12. I hope that I can make it a joyous occassion for him and his one sleepover guest, and that he won't feel bad about not having a real party.

 

I'm not trying to make light of the OP's frustration. Truly, I'm not. I was just trying to point out something good in all of it. That's all. And honestly, I'd trade my delimma for hers right about now, and I'd bet my ds would, too.

[Nakia]

I think what most people are saying is that a parent attending with their child does not think they are invited to the party. They simply mean they are hanging around to help with the supervision. That's why all the comments that feeding a parent is not necessary-they don't consider themselves an invited guest.

 

When I've taken my kids to parties, I almost always have hung around and I have rarely eaten a thing because I'm not typically an invited guest.

 

As a mom, I'd much rather have other parents hang with their kids if that what makes them feel comfortable then have my child be disappointed that their friends can't come.:confused:

 

:iagree: It has never crossed my mind to not stay at a party my children were invited to. This thread has been really eye-opening for me.

 

Justamouse, hope you can get it all worked out.

[Julie in CA]

I've got to admit {shrug}...I just don't get it.

Safety trumps etiquette any day, any time, any occasion.

If, for whatever reason, a parent would like to stay with their child when the child is at a party(especially a pool party), that shouldn't be viewed as a parent who's rude, but should be rejoiced in as another parent who shares the values of keeping kids safe and well-supervised. I seriously doubt the parents are going to dig in and scarf down the pizza intended for the boys, and having a greater degree of supervision poolside can really only be seen as an asset in the eyes of most parents.

 

Manners are designed to make social interactions comfortable. The OP's insistence upon etiquette rather than a love and value for other people seems...misplaced. If a party and all of the attendant details and inconveniences are too much bother, it may be better not to have the party than to choose to be offended by what's obviously (as evidenced by the majority opinion here, we're a pretty good cross-section :001_smile:) pretty normal social behavior.

 

Often, unhappiness, anger, frustration, and feelings of being offended, are a choice. You can choose to be those things, or you can rise above it a little and make it work, in the interests of caring for other people as much or more than you care for yourself. I have to remind myself of that often, because I want to be the kind of person who chooses kindness, and gives the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. It also doesn't really count to *think* all kinds of not-so-nice things in your head, and then smile to someone on the outside, that's just being disingenuous. ;)

[justamouse]

OP, I understand that you felt frustrated when your expectations did not meet with reality in this scenario. I totally get that. Let me reiterate, however, that your ds is blessed to have friends with whom he can share his birthday. Maybe the proper thing for the other parents to do would have been to decline the invitation if they weren't comfortable dropping off at a pool party, but it would have been hurtful your ds to have none of his friends show up. Try to see the bright side.

 

I think you can be fair and admit that the other parents mean no imposition to you, even if their behavior seems rude to you. The duty to host these other parents is one that I think you're placing upon yourself. That's your choice. But you do have options. You've received many good suggestions throughout this thread.

 

I hope you are able to enjoy your ds's party. :grouphug:

 

Pink, the duty to host the parents is NOT one I have placed upon myself-I think that's why everyone is missing the point. It's NOT something I have placed upon myself, it's something that I have had placed UPON me, which is why it's so rude.

 

My whole family-all nine of us, are going to be having pizza for lunch, along with the boys. HOW am I not supposed to feed the other parents? As a hostess I have to feed them.

 

From the time I was young, I was always taught you never stay at a friends house while they eat dinner unless you are invited. My nana would tell me it was rude to have someone sit and watch you eat, while they were not welcome to eat. I, for the life of me, cannot imagine being so rude as to enjoy a meal with my family and have people watch us eat because they stayed with their child.

 

When my children have friends over, they know not to invite everyone in the house for dinner-I may have not planned on having enough to feed everyone. Those are awkward moments for children to learn, but the lesson stays.

 

My son may be blessed to have those four boys as friends, but there were others I didn't invite because I wanted to keep the # small and handle-able because of the pool. Perhaps these children just won't get invited to other birthday parties.

 

And, like I said before, these parents will get treated like guests because I would never not treat them as such. I was just venting my frustration and wondering if somewhere, I had missed the memorandum that invitations meant whoever wanted to got to come.

Edited August 13, 2010 by justamouse

[justamouse]

Great, now I'm not kind and choosing to be offended. You people.

 

What if I told you my husband has been working over 20 hours a day for the past few weeks? What if I told you that this Sunday was his only day off, and the party had been planned waaaay before his schedule went haywire. What if he loves his son too much to cancel the party, and really would rather hole up by himself and not watch kids by the pool and be forced to make party talk with their parents? Does THAT make a difference? At what point does the responsibility of being a good guest, get to be the guests?

 

 

It also doesn't really count to *think* all kinds of not-so-nice things in your head, and then smile to someone on the outside, that's just being disingenuous. ;) __________________

 

 

Tell that to the Secretary of State. I bet she'll laugh for a day.

Edited August 13, 2010 by justamouse

[vonfirmath]

For a pool party, I'd assume parents were welcome to stay.

 

I'm a much more cautious parent when it comes to swimming than just about anything else. If a big deal was made about it, we would probably make the decision not to attend the party at all.

[Jugglin'5]

Great, now I'm not kind and choosing to be offended. You people.

 

What if I told you my husband has been working over 20 hours a day for the past few weeks? What if I told you that this Sunday was his only day off, and the party had been planned waaaay before his schedule went haywire. What if he loves his son too much to cancel the party, and really would rather hole up by himself and not watch kids by the pool and be forced to make party talk with their parents? Does THAT make a difference? At what point does the responsibility of being a good guest, get to be the guests?

 

 

 

Tell that to the Secretary of State. I bet she'll laugh for a day.

 

Well, then it seems your choice is clear. You need to send out clarifying emails or phone calls that this is for the specific invitees only, and let the chips fall where they may. I would do this anyway for the family that was bringing siblings (I think that kind of assumption falls outside almost anyone's boundaries). Less angst and resentment leads to happier party for everyone.

[Penny_P]

Yikes. Lot of emotion in this post.

 

OP- Frankly, I would be really irritated, too.

 

These kids are ELEVEN- it's not like they are 5 and having a pool party. Maybe it's just that I'm in Arizona and all the kids I know are very strong swimmers. Furthermore, I've been dropping my kids off for parties since they were 6, or so. It's my time to run around and get stuff done without them... :) Most parents I know see it as an opportunity for a few hours away.

 

No advice here, just sympathy, and surprise others have responded so strongly.