rules for college age students still living at home

[Only me]

My daughter will be 18 next month. She graduated from private high school in May and will be attending community college this fall. Right now she doesn't have a job. First of all, she doesn't have her license yet and I don't really want to have to drive her to and from work. My dh and I also decided that we would give her one more summer of "freedom" before asking her to get a job.

 

Quite honestly up until the last year or so she has always been easy to get along with. The past 6 months though have been pretty rough. I am lucky that she hasn't pushed rules like curfews and we have never had problems with her hanging around with the wrong crowds, drinking and things like that. It's more day to day life that we are struggling with. I think a big part is the fact that she is between being a kid and an adult. It's tough for both of us figuring out appropriate limits.

 

For instance she kept on skipping lunch. I felt that this was unhealthy for her especially since she already only weighs about 90 pounds. My dh and finally decided to just let this slide since there are bigger battles to fight. On the other hand, I require everyone to eat dinner and expect her to not fill up on junk food 1 hour before dinner and then not want to eat. I do this not only because I care about her but not eating can cause health problems and also moods problems. We have a rule of no soda except on weekends. (Unless we are out). She doesn't think she should have to follow that rule anymore.

 

Once a week the kids pick their chores for a week. I have a list and the kids take turns picking until all the chores are covered. Then the kids know which chores they are responsible for that week. Certain jobs have to get done on "chore day" but other things are ongoing throughout the week like folding towels and keeping their rooms picked up. I fold laundry on my bed and then the kids pick up their piles of clothing and put them away. I've had a real problem lately with this dd just putting the piles on her floor or other furniture. She feels that since she is almost 18 that I shouldn't have any say as to how clean she keeps her room. She is also always forgetting to do certain chores and doesn't think it is a big deal.

 

She hasn't had a bedtime pretty much since she started high school but I expect her to use common sense. This past school year I would go to bed at 10 or 11 and sometimes wake up to find her still up past midnight. I can understand if she had homework to do but she would often be online or playing computer games. I completely trust her so I know that she wasn't doing anything questionable or chatting with people other than her friends but I still didn't think it was right for her to stay up so late when she had to get up at 6 am the next day. She got almost straight A's so it didn't affect her school work. Because of this, she felt that that it wasn't my business. On the other hand, I pointed out to her that her lack of sleep could affect her health and also put her in a bad mood, which did affect the family.

 

This summer she always goes to bed after I do and I don't have a problem with it. She wanted to stay up until 3 am the other night for the eclipse. Both my husband and I suggested that she just set her alarm clock for 3 am and didn't see the need to stay up that late. We had things that we were doing the next morning. It turns out that she has been pretty much been staying up until 2 am anyway. For the most part we haven't had any commitments in the morning so it is ok for her to sleep until 10 but if she has to get up earlier then she is extra cranky. She still feels that it is her body and her responsibility.

 

I am so torn about what to do. On one hand, I don't think that an 18 year old should have a bedtime but I would hope that she would be wise about getting enough sleep. I also don't think that an 18 year old should have to be reminded to do their chores. She thinks I'm nagging. Yet if I don't remind her then everything doesn't get done. It's confusing because in certain areas of her life she is very mature for her age yet in some areas I think she is pretty immature. Has anyone BTDT and could offer some advice?

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I have the same questions as you. I hope some experienced parents can give us some advice.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If she is able to buy her own groceries and make all her own food, then she can determine what and when she eats. Otherwise, the family eats certain foods at certain times (like soda only on the weekends).

 

If she chooses to eat in an unhealthy way (ie. portion control or skipping a meal) then she is not allowed to impact the family with attitude. If she stays up too late, then she is not allowed to impact the family with attitude. I think that she should be allowed to determine these areas but with the understanding that adults still have to behave in society in a socially acceptable way - and that includes the society of your family. If she doesn't? Well - she might be asked to leave. Of course, we all have some attitude at times and we do let our hair down with family so I would give grace in this area too. In our family we all are allowed to blow up or be cranky with the understanding that we will then fix our relationships with each other with apologies and a genuine try to be kind to each other too.

 

If she pays rent on her room, then she can have it in any condition she likes.

 

Again, if she pays a housekeeping fee, then she can pay the rest of you to do her chores.

 

I'm saying all this, not to be snarky, but to point out that she only gets these freedoms if she has the corresponding responsibilities that go with them (including financial ones).

[Truscifi]

Also don't have older children yet, but have BTDT as the young adult. The way it was put to me (which I didn't like but did respect) was that I could set my own rules as far as how I used my time - no curfew or bedtime or anything like that. I did have to be considerate of others in the house, ie nothing that would keep anyone else up late. And I had to do well in school, because that was my job and if I couldn't do it well I needed to go get a different job.

 

However, I still had to do chores and maintain my room to my parents' standards, because it was still their house. They said if I started paying rent and wanted to negotiate an extra fee for cleaning services, then they would treat me like an adult renting a room and do some of the cleaning for me, but as long as I was living there as their child I would have to keep to their standards for their children.

 

HTH.

[KidsHappen]

I do have four grown children so I will tell you how I have done it. By the time my children reach about the age of 15 or 16 I pretty much treat them the same as I would any adult guest with the one exception that I still expect them to obey any laws that I am required to and are responsible for. So they are not allowed to get drunk, use drugs, drive a car outside of the law, etc. They are also required to be inside according to city statutes on curfews. Other than that, I would no more try to control them than I would an adult guest. My grown children all left home as fully mature, responsible, functioning adults at the age of 17 (with the cavaet that my son did have problems later in life). IMHO, I think that children should be making their own autonomous decisions regarding their person before they leave home. I personally think that it is a bad idea to throw them out into the world at any age with absolutely no experience making their own decisions.

 

So no, I do not think you should be making decisions about when or what she eats, how late she stays up, or how she keeps her room (as long as it is sanitary and does not create a health problem for other members of the family). She shouldn't have to fold her clothes if she doesn't want to, etc. On the other hand, I think it perfectly acceptable and appropriate to enforce any rules that you would require of a guest. No coming and going at midnight or making noise that keeps others awake, do your own laundry, if you would like something particular eat, buy and make it yourself, please clean up after yourself, etc.

 

I know many parents may not agree with my approach but this is what I have done and it has worked for me and my children.

[Cedarmom]

Not an experienced parent-just one who is right there with you. I'll give you someof our solutions. We're still working on it. I am trying to keep in mind that many of my son's friends are going away to college and they are making their own decisions.

 

Pop and junk food- If you are buying, the amount is up to you. If your daughter buys then it is up to her. My son skips lunch to. It drives me nuts! He is super skiiny and needs the calories. But he doesn't have any health issues and I decided he needs to start listening to his body. We buy a case of pop at Costco every 6 weeks, when it is gone we're done until the next time we go.

 

Bedtimes- My son stays up way too late IMO. But like your daughter he keeps up with school work, so I let him call it. If he was grumpy, that may change. I think as an adult he needs to find out for himself what sleep he needs.

 

Room- My son's room is horrible! I refuse to go in there. He does his own laundry. Once in a while I try and get him to clean his room, but mostly I just say close the door.

 

Chores- I still expect him to do chores and pick up after himself. This is one area where I have chosen to say This must be done. We have argued about it over the last year. Like you, if I didn't remind him it didn't get done. I told him I was done nagging, and if he doesn't start doing chores I will charge him $ for me to do them .Now he is doing them. We'll see what happens. He will probably do less chores once he starts school. But he is still expected to pick up after himself. ANd if he doesn't and I have to, I will make him pay me.

 

 

I am glad my son is not going away to college. It means we can save $ and enjoy his company. I am going to try and give him some of the same freedom that his friends have who are away at college. I am trying to change our relationship to me relating to him more as an adult than a kid.

Edited June 27, 2010 by Cedarmom
adding

[Mama Geek]

I don't have my own teenagers, but we tried to help a young lady with lots of problems out for a while...it didn't work with her because of her problems but there is no doubt in my mind that with most young adults the situation would have worked out much better.

 

We set household rules that included things like:

Washing her own dishes (this meant we had to keep up with ours as well.)

Washing her own clothes

Keeping her room presentable

She was to help make meals and contribute to cleaning in the shared areas of the house.

 

No boys in the house, no drugs, no alcohol.

 

She didn't have a curfew but did need to let us know where she was and when she would be back and we would do the same for her.

 

A job whether it is work or school or both is a necessity.

 

Do your best to treat 18 year olds as adults but give them alot of the responsibilities of an adult as well.

 

I would suggest that you have a short discussion that revolves around loosening up some of the rules with the understanding that they would pick up the responsibilities with out complaint.

[Ester Maria]

I haven't been in such a situation as a parent (yet), but I was as a child.

My parents would have never blackmailed me emotionally or financially, or posed any unreasonable rules - I was simply expected to be considerate of their lifestyle (not to do things that would disrupt them or cause them discomfort or a need to "adjust" to my fits), contribute minimally to the household (not to add more work to others, take care of things related to my needs - laundry, etc. - and keep my room in a reasonable order) and continue being a generally nice person to live with. :) No special rules or anything of the kind.

 

I didn't live exclusively with them, though - I combined living with them with living in an apartment with friends.

[Nicole M]

I haven't been in such a situation as a parent (yet), but I was as a child.

My parents would have never blackmailed me emotionally or financially, or posed any unreasonable rules - I was simply expected to be considerate of their lifestyle (not to do things that would disrupt them or cause them discomfort or a need to "adjust" to my fits), contribute minimally to the household (not to add more work to others, take care of things related to my needs - laundry, etc. - and keep my room in a reasonable order) and continue being a generally nice person to live with. :) No special rules or anything of the kind.

 

I didn't live exclusively with them, though - I combined living with them with living in an apartment with friends.

 

I like how you put this.

 

My 18yo son will be leaving for college in the fall, so I am using this time to help him acquire some basic living skills, cooking, etc. (This is a little bit hard for his dad, who likes to take care of everyone, so we're moving in on his territory a bit.) But it's okay so far. My one "rule" is that because I do not like having layabouts in the house in the morning, everyone must be up and dressed by 10am at the latest. I don't go in and wake anyone, but, for instance, I ran the vacuum and started the washer, etc., so in our tiny house, it was not possible to continue sleeping. ;) I also do not enforce a bedtime, but if he stays up too late, then getting up is going to be a problem, so he has to deal with the consequences.

[mooooom]

An 18 yo should have the right to eat as she sees fit (as long as it doesn't negatively effect you - as in eating food you have for special occasions) and should be allowed to keep her room as she likes (as long as it is not a health hazard) with the door closed so that it doesn't negatively affect the rest of the family.

 

Why are you still doing her laundry? My kids have done their own since 13.

Why doesn't she have her license? How is she ever going to learn to be a grown up if you don't give her a chance to make mistakes and learn on her own? I can see why you are having issues with her. She is too old for the way you are micromanaging her life.

 

From your description, my kids have had many more responsibilities than your dd at much earlier age. By 16 years, for the most part, they are making pretty good decisions for themselves. You have to give kids the opportunity to get their on her own. Keep in mind that she is legally an adult.

[Wheres Toto]

My oldest is just 16 but we're starting to let her make some of her own decisions and take on more responsibilities.

She's been doing her own laundry for 3 or 4 years already.

She's responsible for making her own breakfast and lunch. DH makes dinner, she doesn't have to eat everything if she doesn't want to but if she wants something else she makes it herself.

She doesn't have a bedtime but if she is too difficult to get up for school in the morning (dh wakes her up by knocking on her door once) then we will turn off her cable and the internet at 10pm (this hasn't ever happened).

She has to keep her grades up or she will have to cut down her dance schedule.

She doesn't have to keep her room clean but she's not allowed to have friends over unless it is. I also refuse to go in there to bring stuff to her at school or her dad's house if its a mess.

She doesn't have a set curfew time but will have to be home at a certain time depending on where she's going and who she's with. Sometimes it will be 10pm, sometimes 11pm, sometimes later. This will also vary depending on whether I need to pick her up or not since she doesn't drive yet (can't because of our state laws).

 

She wants to go away to college when she graduates in 2 years and I don't want her to have no experience with making decisions and taking care of her own needs.

[Daisy]

If she is able to buy her own groceries and make all her own food, then she can determine what and when she eats. Otherwise, the family eats certain foods at certain times (like soda only on the weekends).

 

If she chooses to eat in an unhealthy way (ie. portion control or skipping a meal) then she is not allowed to impact the family with attitude. If she stays up too late, then she is not allowed to impact the family with attitude. I think that she should be allowed to determine these areas but with the understanding that adults still have to behave in society in a socially acceptable way - and that includes the society of your family. If she doesn't? Well - she might be asked to leave. Of course, we all have some attitude at times and we do let our hair down with family so I would give grace in this area too. In our family we all are allowed to blow up or be cranky with the understanding that we will then fix our relationships with each other with apologies and a genuine try to be kind to each other too.

 

If she pays rent on her room, then she can have it in any condition she likes.

 

Again, if she pays a housekeeping fee, then she can pay the rest of you to do her chores.

 

I'm saying all this, not to be snarky, but to point out that she only gets these freedoms if she has the corresponding responsibilities that go with them (including financial ones).

 

:iagree:

 

This was exactly how things ran in my house after high school graduation. I lived at home one year between graduation and college. My parents were clear about it being my decision. I had 3 choices...

 

1. Pay rent. In which case, I could set my own rules and meals would be provided for me. Some basic moral rules were in place (no boys sleeping over, etc.). No chores required other than doing my own laundry and cleaning my own bedroom.

 

2. Move out.

 

3. Be an active participate in family life and live at home rent-free. I was expected to help clean, drive my siblings to school, inform my parents of when and where I was going some place, etc. But seriously by 16-18yo, if I wanted a soda, I went and bought one with money I had earned. My parents weren't providing my clothes, my junk food, etc.

 

Best bet would be for your daughter to get a job so she can make her own choices and start demonstrating to herself and her family that she is an adult.

[FaithManor]

Dd is pretty easy going and not inclined to buck us at all. But, we decided that our rules for adult children living at home would be, "You may police yourself but understand that if we are footing the bill, you may want to be careful how you choose to exercise your new found freedom. While we can't make you do anything, you can't make us either. So, until you are prepared to pay your own way, you will want to think carefully about offending us."

 

We haven't had trouble but if we did, dh has decided on "natural" consequences - law of cause and effect. Stay up late at night, don't expect us to be quiet in the morning. As a matter of fact, I have no intention of listening to you whine and complain about your ten year old brother running through the house like a banshee and screaming the Indiana Jones Theme song at earth shattering decibals at 8:30 a.m. Frankly, I will be amused and possibly even join in! Want to eat junk food, stay up late, neglect your health, that's fine but you will be paying for the next doctor's office call and that's $85.00 so I hope you have been saving money. Want to drive my car? Hmmmm....I'm sorry, only responsible individuals get to drive my car and you aren't acting responsibly. Want to keep a pig-sty room? That's your choice but since I own and insure this property, I reserve the right to enter your room at my discretion to inspect for damage. You will have to get a job to pay me for spills in your carpet, dings in the paint, etc. Stained sheets because you don't want to do laundry, that'll be $42.00 plus tax because I really like 400 thread count egyptian cotton sheets! Oh, so sorry, did we run out of your favorite shampoo, feminine products, etc.? Well, you've been acting like you don't need us, don't care about our feelings, nor want to role model appropriate adult behavior to your younger sibs, so I guess you will need to provide those things for yourself or eat crow and start doing chores around here. If you want to treat my house like a hotel, then I will treat you like a customer in a hotel. Here is your room invoice!

 

That's how we decided we would handle it. I have a feeling that ds 13 will need a little of this as an 18 year old in order to help him grow up.

 

That said, dd does have a lot of freedom because she has demonstrated that she doesn't need us hovering over her to keep her safe and responsible.

 

Faith

[Mama Lynx]

FYI, I didn't have my license until I was 19 1/2 - not because my parents wouldn't let me, but because I didn't want to drive. I can't remember how I got to my summer job, but I imagine that either my parents drove me, or my boyfriend did, or I drove with a licensed friend. I don't remember it being a problem :)

 

My oldest is only 14, so I can only say what I think based on my experience with him so far, what I expect my experience with him to be like at 18, and my own experience as an 18 year old.

 

I don't expect to have much, if any, control over my 18 year old's sleeping habits or nutritional choices. Certain food choices I would ask be kept out of the house, and bought with his own money - we only have soda in the house rarely, for instance, and I'd really prefer it be kept that way. But what soda he drank on his own time and with his own money, well, that's his business. I buy healthy food. If he wants to eat otherwise, he should find a way to fund that. If he does, well, then he does, as long as he does not undermine the nutrition of his minor siblings still under my care.

 

Bedtime - as long as it doesn't impact me or his job or schoolwork, that's up to him. Room cleanliness - not my business, as long as there are no health hazards. Laundry? Totally his doing. Household chores? Well, if he's living rent-free, then yes, I expect him to help out with the chores. If not, he's welcome to pay rent.

 

I have no problem subjecting him to a curfew, though we can negotiate the terms. Although he is an adult, I will still worry about him as his mother, and I think he should respect my worrying :) He can respect that by acting in such a way as to minimize my worrying, by letting me know he's safe, and by being in at an hour that will not disrupt the household or cause me concern. If he finds that stifling, well, if he lives on his own, I won't know how late he's out, and won't worry :)

 

When I came home from college, my father and I used to butt heads over curfew until we had a huge fight about it. I insisted that the curfew was stupid, because I was out much later, on my own, at college. He responded that he knew it might not be logical, but it was what he needed me to do for his peace of mind when I was living in his house. Well, duh ... when you put it that way it makes perfect sense, and I stopped arguing and obeyed curfew. Honesty and a desire for mutual respect go further than rules which seem to be arbitrary on the surface.

[Mama Lynx]

:iagree:

 

This was exactly how things ran in my house after high school graduation. I lived at home one year between graduation and college. My parents were clear about it being my decision. I had 3 choices...

 

1. Pay rent. In which case, I could set my own rules and meals would be provided for me. Some basic moral rules were in place (no boys sleeping over, etc.). No chores required other than doing my own laundry and cleaning my own bedroom.

 

2. Move out.

 

3. Be an active participate in family life and live at home rent-free. I was expected to help clean, drive my siblings to school, inform my parents of when and where I was going some place, etc. But seriously by 16-18yo, if I wanted a soda, I went and bought one with money I had earned. My parents weren't providing my clothes, my junk food, etc.

 

Best bet would be for your daughter to get a job so she can make her own choices and start demonstrating to herself and her family that she is an adult.

 

You said all that much better than I did. Nodding vigorously, here.

[TxMama]

[quote name=hpymomof3;1827792

For instance she kept on skipping lunch.

 

We have a rule of no soda except on weekends. (Unless we are out). She doesn't think she should have to follow that rule anymore.

 

I do not concern myself with the diets of my adult children. They know when meals are served and what the rules are about luxury items (such as sodas). They are more than welcome to join us for meals but I will not pay for extra meals or junk food items. They can choose to skip a meal or purchase extra sodas if they decide to do so. However' date=' if they have enough surplus cash for an abundance of extras I usually view this as a sign that they need to take over a few more of their other expenses[/color]

 

Once a week the kids pick their chores for a week. I have a list and the kids take turns picking until all the chores are covered. Then the kids know which chores they are responsible for that week.

 

What worked best for us was for the young adults to have a set responsibility that did not change from week to week.

 

 

I fold laundry on my bed and then the kids pick up their piles of clothing and put them away. I've had a real problem lately with this dd just putting the piles on her floor or other furniture. She feels that since she is almost 18 that I shouldn't have any say as to how clean she keeps her room.

 

All my kids are responsible for their own laundry by age 10. Buy her a hamper and let her take over her laundry and towels. If she wants to leave her clothes in piles and have wrinkled clothes, let her. The only request I have with their rooms is that there are no food items in them.

 

 

She is also always forgetting to do certain chores and doesn't think it is a big deal.

 

I charged my adult kids a fee if I had to do their chores. If they get in the habit of paying the fee instead of doing the chore then I usually view this as a sign that they need to take over more of their other expenses.

 

On the other hand, I pointed out to her that her lack of sleep could affect her health and also put her in a bad mood, which did affect the family.

 

I don't concern myself with their sleep habits. I also do not concern myself if they wake in time for classes or work. That is their responsibility and they will figure it out.

 

 

I am so torn about what to do. On one hand, I don't think that an 18 year old should have a bedtime but I would hope that she would be wise about getting enough sleep. I also don't think that an 18 year old should have to be reminded to do their chores. She thinks I'm nagging. Yet if I don't remind her then everything doesn't get done. It's confusing because in certain areas of her life she is very mature for her age yet in some areas I think she is pretty immature. Has anyone BTDT and could offer some advice?

 

My suggestions.....Give her a set of chores that is her responsibity and set a fee that is high enough to hurt if she chooses not to do her chores. Let her do her own laundry, decide her own diet and sleep habits.....even if she makes decisions that you don't agree with in these areas. These are all minor issues that I keep my opinion to myself on minor issues.

Edited June 27, 2010 by Wendy B.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

My suggestions.....Give her a set of chores that is her responsibity and set a fee that is high enough to hurt if she chooses not to do her chores. Let her do her own laundry, decide her own diet and sleep habits.....even if she makes decisions that you don't agree with in these areas. These are all minor issues that I keep my opinion to myself on minor issues.

 

:iagree:I agree with EVERYTHING you said. It's working fairly well with my graduated 17 year old.

 

I will do his laundry with the family's IF he has it sorted and in the place where I pick up laundry on laundry day. If not, he's on his own that week. I actually prefer to do it all together as it saves water/gas/electricity.

 

He eats the meals I prepare when I prepare them. If he's not around, he scavenges the fridge later and is expected to clean up after himself. If he wants something different to eat, then I hope he has the money to buy it; I'm not running a convenience store.

 

He's in his 2nd semester of college and as long as his grades are where I EXPECT them to be, the rest I don't' worry myself with.

 

I have NO IDEA when or even if he goes to bed. I go to bed when I'm tired. Like I said previously, as long as his grades are good, whatever he's doing must be working for him, LOL. He does adhere to curfew, or has the decency to call and let me know where he is or when he'll be home. This is for my peace of mind so that I can sleep.

 

We have a wonderful relationship based on mutual respect. It does occasionally take some "tough love," but it's SO worth it in the end.

[Nicole M]

You said all that much better than I did. Nodding vigorously, here.

 

Nah, I think you said it well. I'm agreeing with both of you.

 

And I love the idea of charging a chore fee. (Where's the evil-grin-with-cackle smilie?) I positively hate finding dishes in the sink or on the counter that could just as easily have been put in the dishwasher.

[Only me]

There have been quite a few good suggestions but I have a few more questions. To clarify I don't tell my dd when to go to bed. I haven't done that for quite awhile but I do hate it when she doesn't allow herself enough sleep and ends up cranky the next day and treats me and her siblings bad. How do you handle that attitude?

 

The only meal I expect her to eat with us is dinner unless she has told me ahead of time that she is eating out. I don't appreciate it when I make enough food for her but then she doesn't want to eat since she didn't eat lunch until 3:00 or had a snack at 5:00. If I had an adult house guest in my house they wouldn't act like that. As far as soda is concerned of course she can drink what she wants when she is out, etc. It's just always been a rule for no soda at dinner except for weekends. Quite honestly I don't think it would be fair for her to drink up all the pop during the week leaving none for her siblings for the weekend (unless she is paying for it)

 

It never made sense to me for teens to just do their own laundry since it would mean she would be doing several smaller loads. It seems like such a waste to run such small loads. Therefore maybe I'm wrong but if I'm washing her clothing and paying for it I have the right to tell her to take care of her clothing and not throw clean wash back in the laundry just because it's on her floor and she thinks it is dirty.

 

It has been her choice not to get her license. I want her to but that's a whole other story.

Edited June 27, 2010 by hpymomof3

[Cedarmom]

Ono laundry, I agree it does seem a waste. But, I opted for the waste over me 1) folding laundry only to have him toss it in a corner 2) constantly nag him over it. And it hasn't been such a waste. He waits until the last minute to

do it-so by the time he does it it's a full load.

 

Not eating the food. I think I would say I'm no longer fixing enough food for her unless she specifically asks for it for that meal. Treat her like a house guest who says she won't be there for meals unless otherwise stated.

 

pop- I think you are free to limit her on what you buy.

 

Lack of sleep -crankiness. I agree we shouldn't have to live with crankiness. My son sets his bedtime, but if he is grumpy I enorce a bedtime. I try and discuss it more than tell him. "you're really grumpy, Ifeel like you need more sleep, what do you think the problem is?" He will admit it and go to bed earlier the next night usually. If it is a constant problem, I would set aside some time and discuss with him how we could handle it.

[Audrey]

My daughter will be 18 next month. She graduated from private high school in May and will be attending community college this fall. Right now she doesn't have a job. First of all, she doesn't have her license yet and I don't really want to have to drive her to and from work. My dh and I also decided that we would give her one more summer of "freedom" before asking her to get a job.

 

Quite honestly up until the last year or so she has always been easy to get along with. The past 6 months though have been pretty rough. I am lucky that she hasn't pushed rules like curfews and we have never had problems with her hanging around with the wrong crowds, drinking and things like that. It's more day to day life that we are struggling with. I think a big part is the fact that she is between being a kid and an adult. It's tough for both of us figuring out appropriate limits.

 

For instance she kept on skipping lunch. I felt that this was unhealthy for her especially since she already only weighs about 90 pounds. My dh and finally decided to just let this slide since there are bigger battles to fight. On the other hand, I require everyone to eat dinner and expect her to not fill up on junk food 1 hour before dinner and then not want to eat. I do this not only because I care about her but not eating can cause health problems and also moods problems. We have a rule of no soda except on weekends. (Unless we are out). She doesn't think she should have to follow that rule anymore.

 

Once a week the kids pick their chores for a week. I have a list and the kids take turns picking until all the chores are covered. Then the kids know which chores they are responsible for that week. Certain jobs have to get done on "chore day" but other things are ongoing throughout the week like folding towels and keeping their rooms picked up. I fold laundry on my bed and then the kids pick up their piles of clothing and put them away. I've had a real problem lately with this dd just putting the piles on her floor or other furniture. She feels that since she is almost 18 that I shouldn't have any say as to how clean she keeps her room. She is also always forgetting to do certain chores and doesn't think it is a big deal.

 

She hasn't had a bedtime pretty much since she started high school but I expect her to use common sense. This past school year I would go to bed at 10 or 11 and sometimes wake up to find her still up past midnight. I can understand if she had homework to do but she would often be online or playing computer games. I completely trust her so I know that she wasn't doing anything questionable or chatting with people other than her friends but I still didn't think it was right for her to stay up so late when she had to get up at 6 am the next day. She got almost straight A's so it didn't affect her school work. Because of this, she felt that that it wasn't my business. On the other hand, I pointed out to her that her lack of sleep could affect her health and also put her in a bad mood, which did affect the family.

 

This summer she always goes to bed after I do and I don't have a problem with it. She wanted to stay up until 3 am the other night for the eclipse. Both my husband and I suggested that she just set her alarm clock for 3 am and didn't see the need to stay up that late. We had things that we were doing the next morning. It turns out that she has been pretty much been staying up until 2 am anyway. For the most part we haven't had any commitments in the morning so it is ok for her to sleep until 10 but if she has to get up earlier then she is extra cranky. She still feels that it is her body and her responsibility.

 

I am so torn about what to do. On one hand, I don't think that an 18 year old should have a bedtime but I would hope that she would be wise about getting enough sleep. I also don't think that an 18 year old should have to be reminded to do their chores. She thinks I'm nagging. Yet if I don't remind her then everything doesn't get done. It's confusing because in certain areas of her life she is very mature for her age yet in some areas I think she is pretty immature. Has anyone BTDT and could offer some advice?

 

 

Most of the rules my parents gave me had to do with common courtesy and respect for the living space of others in the household. For example:

 

If I stayed up late or came home late, I was expected not to disturb other who may be sleeping. I was expected not to bring friends home late when others were sleeping because it is disconcerting (at the least) to wake up and suddenly find a non-family member there.

 

I was expected to keep my own things clean, washed and put away.

 

I was expected to help with general household chores, especially cleaning/maintaining common areas.

 

I was expected to contribute to the food bill in some way, whether it be working the garden, buying groceries, or just chipping in some cash.

 

I was expected to pay 100% of my own vehicle expenses. So my parents no longer put me on their insurance, and I had to continue buying my own gas, and paying for maintenance. No freebies there either. If my dad fixed something on my car, I had to buy the parts myself, and I was expected to help him when he fixed it. He didn't charge me labour, but I had to contribute some labour to the job.

 

I was expected to give the courtesy of mentioning when I was going out and approximately when I thought I'd be returning. This was not to monitor where I was, nor with whom I was. It was simply considered courteous to let someone know, so no one had to worry about me. Similarly, if my plans changed and I wasn't going to be home, I was expected to call so no one would worry. If I wasn't going to be home for a meal, I was expected to let them know.

 

I didn't feel these things were restrictive -- just being polite to others in the household.

[Nicole M]

Saving water and energy is a high priority here, too, so concerning laundry, I also fold. But each person in the household has a wicker basket for clean laundry. I tied a different color of yarn around the handle of each, so we can tell whose is whose. Clean laundry goes in the baskets, according to my totally, um, precise system (avoiding the "a" word here for Crissy's sake ;)), and then the men may or may not unload the clean things into his drawers. This keeps clean clothes off the floor. That said, boys do start loads of laundry and are expected to help hang it out to dry or move the load to the dryer if it's rainy. I'm not doing the whole shebang for them.

Edited June 27, 2010 by Nicole M

[Joanne]

OP, my kids are not yet that age. They are 15, 13 and 11.

 

I would like to post, however, that the level of involvement you have about her eating, sleeping and personal space is not a match for the way I hope to parent my at home young adults.

 

I would not pay for her junk food and if she were eating a majority of the snacky stuff intended for the family, I'd ask for additional money.

 

If you live @ home as a young adult, you either need to be working, at school full time with good grades or looking for a job. Better yet, all of that.

 

If you can't help with keeping community areas clean, you pay for that service.

 

Your space is your space unless garbage or food becomes a sanitary issue.

 

I will not do your laundry - nor will I allow it to be in common areas.

 

You can keep whatever hours you'd like but there will be consequences (up to and including move out) if you:

 

1) Share your crankiness with us.

2) Expect us to "be quiet" during standard waking hours because of a voluntary schedule of yours that has made you tired.

3) Interferes with your school, grades or work.

 

You'd be welcome at meals, but you will be expected to help cook or clean up. If you make your own, you pay AND clean up.

[Cedarmom]

Saving water and energy is a high priority here, too, so concerning laundry, I also fold. But each person in the household has a wicker basket for clean laundry. I tied a different color of yarn around the handle of each, so we can tell whose is whose. Clean laundry goes in the baskets, according to my totally, um, precise system (avoiding the "a" word here for Crissy's sake ;)), and then the men may or may not unload the clean things into his drawers. This keeps clean clothes off the floor. That said, boys do start loads of laundry and are expected to help hang it out to dry or move the load to the dryer if it's rainy. I'm not doing the whole shebang for them.

 

This is what I did. It seems so clever-maybe I got the idea from the board. BUt then my son would just dig the clothes out of his basket and throw them on his bedroom floor as he went. Drove my precise loving mind nuts to see all the clothes that I had washed on the floor! That is when I started having him do all his own laundry. I didn't mind him not unloading the basket, but the clothes stren all over the floor:glare: To make up for the smaller loads of ours, I now throw in dishrags with our socks and undies...but I think on read on this board that most people think that is yuck...so that idea may not help.

[Only me]

Saving water and energy is a high priority here, too, so concerning laundry, I also fold. But each person in the household has a wicker basket for clean laundry. I tied a different color of yarn around the handle of each, so we can tell whose is whose. Clean laundry goes in the baskets, according to my totally, um, precise system (avoiding the "a" word here for Crissy's sake ;)), and then the men may or may not unload the clean things into his drawers. This keeps clean clothes off the floor. That said, boys do start loads of laundry and are expected to help hang it out to dry or move the load to the dryer if it's rainy. I'm not doing the whole shebang for them.

 

awesome idea. It's so simple but I think it will help so much. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Remudamom]

Our five our between 16 and 22. I say leave her alone. It sounds to me like you're trying to control everything she does.

 

She should pull her own weight, and if you have to remind her, tell her to shape up or ship out. The eating, bedtimes etc, her business.

[Julie in CA]

My suggestions.....Give her a set of chores that is her responsibity and set a fee that is high enough to hurt if she chooses not to do her chores. Let her do her own laundry, decide her own diet and sleep habits.....even if she makes decisions that you don't agree with in these areas. These are all minor issues that I keep my opinion to myself on minor issues.

I agree with all of this, but I'd add one thing. I'd have a frank and sincere conversation with her where I put forth the new ideas, and I'd also explain that a bad mood or crankiness wouldn't be acceptable on a regular basis. On the cranky days, she needs to sequester herself from the family a bit, or learn to put on a "company face". I'd set up a system whereby you politely let her know when she needs to do this. :001_smile:

[AnitaMcC]

We have adult kids in our house.

 

Oldest nephew moved in with us when he was 18 with his sister (then 11) and brother (then 9). They are now 30, almost 24, and almost 21.

 

Nephews still live with us. Our rules for them to live here as adults are:

 

-Clean up after themselves

-Do their own laundry

-Pay us rent either with money or with labor. With money = do less household chores.

-They are responsible for all of their own personal neccessities (shampoo, deodorant, toothbrushes/paste, etc.).

-Eat what I buy or buy their own. They also have to be reasonable... They can not eat a loaf of bread and a lb of lunch meat and drink a case of soda every day. I have a budget and if I run out of something before I expect to.. then too bad.

-They have to share in household jobs... if they pay us in rent they just have to help with things/places they also use. (wipe down the bathroom that they use, help with dishes, help take out trash).

-Their schedules are their schedule but I will not change mine to accommodate them. I vacuum, etc when I need to get it done. I do not expect the younger kids to be absolutely quiet all day long to accommodate any all night gaming sessions. Older nephew works nights, sleeps days... but he sleeps so hard that even Dd's drum playing don't bother him.

-If they are not going to be home, they do not need to tell us where they are going... just let us know when to expect them to return home.

-No drugs or alcohol allowed. Occassional beer when they are of legal age... fine. But no getting plastered.

-No inappropriate behavior (sex, disrespect, breaking the law, etc).

-No inappropriate clothing, body tattoos, body piercings... we are pretty lenient for the most part.. but if I or Dh finds something offensive... then it is not allowed to be worn in our presence/house (or covered up). If we are going out as a family... this rule applies.

 

This is pretty much it.... Basically it all boils down to being considerate and respectful. Dh and I feel that this is our house... we pay for it, we worked hard to get it. If they don't like to live by our rules... they can leave. They do not have to live here.

 

Older nephew is looking for his own place closer to work as his siblings are now grown and he is more than ready to get out on his own.

 

Younger nephew is going into the military soon.

[Lady Lorna]

Our daughter, who will turn nineteen next month, is living at home with us. She has just graduated from high school, and is deferring college for at least a year to pursue her sport.

I have to say that living with an adult child has not been a problem for us, and we have not even considered creating a set of rules for her. It is just the three of us, and we are living as we have always lived--enjoying each other’s company, treating each other with respect and consideration, each of us pitching in to make sure all the work gets done. We have not asked our daughter to contribute financially as yet. Training for her sport is a full-time occupation and utterly exhausting. Also, the extensive travel for competition would make it hard for her to commit to a job. She does have a very small job on the side, but it pays very little, and we consider the money hers.

I think it helps that our daughter shares our values. Also, training for her sport requires her to live a very disciplined and structured life. Eating poorly, staying out late, staying up late, getting up late, letting things slide--it’s just not an option for her. (I have to admit that her room is a mess, but when we look at the big picture, it just doesn’t seem important.) For our part, we are happy to let her make her own decisions; in general, she makes good ones.

I feel as though our daughter is completing the process of growing up in a natural and organic way within our family. We fully expect her to make a smooth transition to college and eventually to living on her own. I also expect that we will miss her, even as we enjoy wathcing where she goes and what she does with her life.

[Barb_]

There have been quite a few good suggestions but I have a few more questions. To clarify I don't tell my dd when to go to bed. I haven't done that for quite awhile but I do hate it when she doesn't allow herself enough sleep and ends up cranky the next day and treats me and her siblings bad. How do you handle that attitude?

 

The only meal I expect her to eat with us is dinner unless she has told me ahead of time that she is eating out. I don't appreciate it when I make enough food for her but then she doesn't want to eat since she didn't eat lunch until 3:00 or had a snack at 5:00. If I had an adult house guest in my house they wouldn't act like that. As far as soda is concerned of course she can drink what she wants when she is out, etc. It's just always been a rule for no soda at dinner except for weekends. Quite honestly I don't think it would be fair for her to drink up all the pop during the week leaving none for her siblings for the weekend (unless she is paying for it)

 

It never made sense to me for teens to just do their own laundry since it would mean she would be doing several smaller loads. It seems like such a waste to run such small loads. Therefore maybe I'm wrong but if I'm washing her clothing and paying for it I have the right to tell her to take care of her clothing and not throw clean wash back in the laundry just because it's on her floor and she thinks it is dirty.

 

It has been her choice not to get her license. I want her to but that's a whole other story.

 

You have quite a power struggle going on there. You should be trying to remove yourself as much as possible, turning over more of the responsibility to natural consequences. Still, regarding the attitude brought on by sleep deprivation, will you please share the answer with me when you locate it? I like the idea of the "company face" mentioned above. I'll have to remember that one.

 

Dinner: What if you tell her you will assume she will not be dining with you unless she notifies you by lunchtime or so that she would like to be included? If she shows up expecting to be fed without letting you know, she suffers the consequences instead of you.

 

Soda: This is an area where I might just stop buying it altogether. Or keep it warm under the bed and stick it in the fridge on Friday morning. Tell her you have no problem if she'd like to go out and buy her own soda, but that everyone (adults of the house included) need to follow house rules regarding the soda you purchase.

 

Laundry: She should probably be doing her own laundry regardless of the added expense. Really, she should probably have enough lights and darks for two full loads of dirty clothes a week. This is an area that would be easy to turn over and take yourself out of the equation. If she doesn't do her laundry, she reaps the consequences. Ick.

 

Job: It is time to get one. Allowing her a summer of freedom sounds like it's just breeding resentment because she is taking it for granted. You aren't doing her any favors.

 

Driver's License: It's time to get one. She can pay for her gas and car insurance out of her job money. You wouldn't expect to drive your brother in law around if he were staying with you for an extended period, right?

 

Bedtime: I think you should stay out of that altogether. Joanne said it better than I could.

 

Barb

[Ottakee]

Me thinks she needs a job. I would also have her work on getting her license. How is she going to get to and from college in the fall?

 

Life was a bit different for me, basically raised by a single mom, the oldest of 4, with not a lot of income. By 12 I was babysitting and buying much of my stuff--including most of my clothing that wasn't hand me downs. By 16 I had saved enough to buy my own car, pay for my insurance and have $500 in the bank for repairs. I paid my own gas, etc. from then on. I don't ever remember getting gas money from mom.

 

By the time I graduated I was paying for everything on my own--car, college, books, recreation, gifts, clothing, shoes, etc. I even paid for my own senior pictures and graduation open house.

 

Not saying you need to go this far but I would not let her just loaf around all summer doing as she wants on your bill. If she wants pop, fine, she gets a job and buys it herself.

 

In our area jobs are VERY VERY hard to find right now---over 22% unemployed and that is those eligible for unemployment, not those looking for part time work, new workers, etc. So, if that is the case by you where she can't find a job, then she needs to be doing some volunteer work through the church, community, or something. Loafing around, coming and going as she wants, eating what and when she wants, all on your money should stop.

 

I am all for having a part time job while going to school. Even at 16 credits that is about 16 hours in class and another 32 for studying. That is 48 hours a week, being very generous with the study time. There is still plenty time for a 16-20 hour a week job in there.

 

I would give her most of the freedoms she wants but require her to be responsible and get a job to foot the bill for those freedoms.

[Pamela H in Texas]

It *seems* like there is too much micromanagement for a young adult, even a teenager. It was important for me to have it where we were all showing mutual respect, not me controlling my teenagers for the most part. I might have opinions or make suggestions about food or going to bed or whatever, but it really is the teenager's job to regulate themselves by this point, imo.

 

I think I'd sit down with her just as I would my sister-in-law if she came to stay here. We'd come up with the basics of respect (cleaning up after self, picking a few chores, letting us know when you'll be in so we don't worry). And then Mom has to step back and let her grow up.

 

It's hard sometimes, btw. My kids are 15 and 17. I don't always agree with my children's choices; but I think it's important to allow them to make them. This is even more true when they're in college (my dd is) and when they are adults (my dd will be this fall). We just have to let them grow up.

[Barb_]

Our daughter, who will turn nineteen next month, is living at home with us. She has just graduated from high school, and is deferring college for at least a year to pursue her sport.

I have to say that living with an adult child has not been a problem for us, and we have not even considered creating a set of rules for her. It is just the three of us, and we are living as we have always lived--enjoying each other’s company, treating each other with respect and consideration, each of us pitching in to make sure all the work gets done.

 

Siblings change the dynamic, especially when the siblings are much younger and family rules still need to be enforced for the rest. Your daughter has grown up identifying as an adult her whole life, so adulthood will be more of a seamless transition. My oldest picks at her younger sibs like a kid sometimes and then will turn around and lecture them like she's their parent. It's really annoying, LOL My oldest in the past would swing between resentment at being asked to pay for her clothes, toiletries etc when her slightly younger siblings were still on our dime. Then she would resent my insistence that she do chores while she lived here. That said, my next one down has never had the issues and struggles fitting in the family that my oldest has. Maybe the oldest never got over giving up her only child status when she was four :tongue_smilie:

 

Barb

[AnitaMcC]

It never made sense to me for teens to just do their own laundry since it would mean she would be doing several smaller loads. It seems like such a waste to run such small loads. Therefore maybe I'm wrong but if I'm washing her clothing and paying for it I have the right to tell her to take care of her clothing and not throw clean wash back in the laundry just because it's on her floor and she thinks it is dirty.

 

 

 

Never been an issue here.

 

They are required to do full loads of laundry. If they don't have enough of their own laundry.. there are always plenty of dirty towels to throw in. Or they can even see if someone else has any laundry that they can throw in.

 

For kids from age 12 to 18...they usually do their own laundry. If I catch the kids not washing a full load... they won't get to do their laundry for a month. I will do their laundry for them on my schedule, it is never when they want a specific item done by a certain time.

 

I do mine/Dh's laundry once a week. I do towels once a week, I do whites that need bleaching once a week. I do the under-12 kids laundry once a week. And the older kids... I get to theirs when I am done with all the other laundry and when I have time. I make sure we all have enough clothes to wear for 10-14 days before they run out of clean clothes. Of course the teens only want to wear certain outifits and any other clothing items just won't cut it. Too bad for them-LOL.

 

If the adult kids don't wash a full load... I just ban them from using my washer/dryer and they will have to take their laundry to a laundromat on their own expense.

[Pamela H in Texas]

We just do "whatever" for laundry. If someone needs something, they look around to find other people's somethings to make a load (we have a washing machine in the building). My dd and I take to the laundromat ALL the household laundry that is in the baskets on Sunday morning (back home, I did a load or two every day or two and whoever was picking up the den distributed laundry also). We're pretty much "whatever" type people when it comes to laundry.

[Laurie4b]

My daughter will be 18 next month. She graduated from private high school in May and will be attending community college this fall. Right now she doesn't have a job. First of all, she doesn't have her license yet and I don't really want to have to drive her to and from work. My dh and I also decided that we would give her one more summer of "freedom" before asking her to get a job.

 

Quite honestly up until the last year or so she has always been easy to get along with. The past 6 months though have been pretty rough. I am lucky that she hasn't pushed rules like curfews and we have never had problems with her hanging around with the wrong crowds, drinking and things like that. It's more day to day life that we are struggling with. I think a big part is the fact that she is between being a kid and an adult. It's tough for both of us figuring out appropriate limits.I think this is key here: you are figuring out what it means to have an adult child. Your dd will switch back and forth between being an adult and wanting you to interact with her in a parent-to-adult child relationship and being a child and wanting "Mommie." Is this your firstborn? It's a tricky tightrope to walk, but as parents of kids this age, it's our job to work ourselves out of a job. I sometimes laugh with my ds about how disconcerting for me it is when he switches it up. "Mom, I can't find my take home test for cc! Help!" "Why are you on my case about doing my homework for this course? I'm old enough to take the consequences if I make the wrong choices." OK...So which Mom am I today?

 

For instance she kept on skipping lunch. I felt that this was unhealthy for her especially since she already only weighs about 90 pounds. My dh and finally decided to just let this slide since there are bigger battles to fight. On the other hand, I require everyone to eat dinner and expect her to not fill up on junk food 1 hour before dinner and then not want to eat. I do this not only because I care about her but not eating can cause health problems and also moods problems. We have a rule of no soda except on weekends. (Unless we are out). She doesn't think she should have to follow that rule anymore. Since she is a high school grad preparing to go to college, I think you should let her make these choices. You can still nag if you want :) but truly, she needs to make decisions about her own body and even learn through mistakes if need be. She can figure out the connection between food and mood on her own. You are right, of course, on the issue of healthy food, but she has to acquire her own sense of self-control in the area of food. I think it's hard when they hit a certain age and we realize that the window of time when we are actually structuring their lives toward certain choices is over.

 

Once a week the kids pick their chores for a week. I have a list and the kids take turns picking until all the chores are covered. Then the kids know which chores they are responsible for that week. Certain jobs have to get done on "chore day" but other things are ongoing throughout the week like folding towels and keeping their rooms picked up. I fold laundry on my bed and then the kids pick up their piles of clothing and put them away. I've had a real problem lately with this dd just putting the piles on her floor or other furniture. She feels that since she is almost 18 that I shouldn't have any say as to how clean she keeps her room. She is also always forgetting to do certain chores and doesn't think it is a big deal.

Her room is her room. Shut the door if it bothers you. She then has to learn to deal with her mess or not. The best thing is for her to get tired of it being a mess and deal with it on her own. My ds has been doing laundry since he was around 12. I showed him how to do it, he said he wasn't going to do it, and I said, "Fine, but I'm not either." He did it. Doing one's own laundry is part of being a grown-up. I'd encourage you to treat her that way. Family chores are different. I would think of those as the way roommates share chores. I would make an issue of her not pitching in and doing her share and yet living as part of the group. Make it about doing her share, not about following your rules.

 

She hasn't had a bedtime pretty much since she started high school but I expect her to use common sense. This past school year I would go to bed at 10 or 11 and sometimes wake up to find her still up past midnight. I can understand if she had homework to do but she would often be online or playing computer games. I completely trust her so I know that she wasn't doing anything questionable or chatting with people other than her friends but I still didn't think it was right for her to stay up so late when she had to get up at 6 am the next day. She got almost straight A's so it didn't affect her school work. Because of this, she felt that that it wasn't my business. On the other hand, I pointed out to her that her lack of sleep could affect her health and also put her in a bad mood, which did affect the family.

 

This summer she always goes to bed after I do and I don't have a problem with it. She wanted to stay up until 3 am the other night for the eclipse. Both my husband and I suggested that she just set her alarm clock for 3 am and didn't see the need to stay up that late. We had things that we were doing the next morning. It turns out that she has been pretty much been staying up until 2 am anyway. For the most part we haven't had any commitments in the morning so it is ok for her to sleep until 10 but if she has to get up earlier then she is extra cranky. She still feels that it is her body and her responsibility.I agree with her. You are right of course, about the health implications, and you have told her. But alas, she's beyond the age of you controlling that kind of thing and will have to learn about her own body. I think you should let her. It's hard to let go, I know. I am there, doing that. I think of all the things I *wish* I had instilled by now, but from her on out, it's up to my ds to make his choices. I made mistakes myself as a youth. I learned some things the hard way. Some of that was my own fault; some of that was because my parents kept control of things like food and money way beyond the time for them to do so and I had no practice at it. So when I was on my own (when I went to college), I had not built up self-control in those areas; I had always had external controls imposed on me. I remember realizing I could eat a candy bar any time I wanted to.... And indulging in that "freedom" led to problems down the road. I wish I had been allowed to self-regulate food more as a child and a teen.

 

I am so torn about what to do. On one hand, I don't think that an 18 year old should have a bedtime but I would hope that she would be wise about getting enough sleep. I also don't think that an 18 year old should have to be reminded to do their chores. She thinks I'm nagging. Yet if I don't remind her then everything doesn't get done. It's confusing because in certain areas of her life she is very mature for her age yet in some areas I think she is pretty immature. Has anyone BTDT and could offer some advice?

 

I think it is inevitable that it is a confusing time because your child is, indeed, immature in some ways and wants "Mommie" sometimes; on the other hand, she is a legal adult. I think when in doubt, err on the side of treating her as an adult. When deciding to impose a rule or not, think about whether you would impose it on your sister if she were staying with you, or a friend, or a roommate, or a boarder. You are moving into a new mother-daughter relationship and it's really the time to let go of (and grieve) the kind of relationship you used to have with her. It's now the time to let her learn on her own, trust her enough to let her make mistakes, pray a whole lot for her, and work toward building the kind of friendship that an adult daughter can have with her mother.

Edited June 28, 2010 by Laurie4b

[Laurie4b]

It never made sense to me for teens to just do their own laundry since it would mean she would be doing several smaller loads. It seems like such a waste to run such small loads. Therefore maybe I'm wrong but if I'm washing her clothing and paying for it I have the right to tell her to take care of her clothing and not throw clean wash back in the laundry just because it's on her floor and she thinks it is dirty. It sounds a bit like you are a very orderly person who likes things a certain way. Why would there need to be "several" small loads a week? One load of darks and one of lights should do it. She can toss her sheets in with the appropriate color and add something from what other family members need to any load. I think you may need to let go of the way you like to do things to allow her some more responsibility.

 

It has been her choice not to get her license. I want her to but that's a whole other story.

That's fine. No one should be forced to get a license, but no one should be forced to drive them anywhere free either. Let it be her choice... but... don't let her choice inconvenience you. Does she have a permit yet? I would request the next step (either permit or license) within a week or two and then say you'll be charging for it after that. If she doesn't have $$, oh well. She gets a job she can walk to or she doesn't go anywhere you don't feel like schlepping her to. Do this with as nice an attitude on your part as possible. If you let go of the control of other areas of her life, this will make a lot of logical sense that if she wants to act like an adult in some areas, she needs to do it in all.

[jazzyfizzle]

I'll give you someof our solutions. We're still working on it. I am trying to keep in mind that many of my son's friends are going away to college and they are making their own decisions.

 

Pop and junk food- If you are buying, the amount is up to you.

 

Bedtimes- My son stays up way too late IMO. But like your daughter he keeps up with school work, so I let him call it. If he was grumpy, that may change. I think as an adult he needs to find out for himself what sleep he needs.

 

Room- My son's room is horrible! I refuse to go in there. He does his own laundry. Once in a while I try and get him to clean his room, but mostly I just say close the door.

 

Chores- I still expect him to do chores and pick up after himself.

 

I am glad my son is not going away to college. It means we can save $ and enjoy his company. I am going to try and give him some of the same freedom that his friends have who are away at college. I am trying to change our relationship to me relating to him more as an adult than a kid.

 

 

:iagree: This is basically what we have done also.

We still provide the needs, but if he happens to complain about not having a certain item in the house (specific food, 'certain' hip deodorant or shampoo) I tell him feel free to go buy it for himself. I still enforce my snack rules, if he doesn't like it, he can listen and wait for supper, or go purchase his own and eat it elsewhere.

I no longer do his laundry. It piles up in his closet and sits there until he has nothing to wear.

:tongue_smilie:

I also have resorted to shutting the door. I was driving myself nuts every time I walked past it. It is just better for my sanity than to start a war over it every week.

 

The first year out of high school he had to be home by 12, (but did not have a bedtime) so that I could know he was home safe. Now he does not have a time, even though he still technically lives here.

[TxMama]

There have been quite a few good suggestions but I have a few more questions. To clarify I don't tell my dd when to go to bed. I haven't done that for quite awhile but I do hate it when she doesn't allow herself enough sleep and ends up cranky the next day and treats me and her siblings bad. How do you handle that attitude?

 

 

Remind her that you love you but she is on borrowed time. If she cannot treat the family with respect then she will need to find alternate living arrangements.

I know that sounds waaay harsh.....but would you allow any other adult to live with you who treats you or your other children badly?

 

The only meal I expect her to eat with us is dinner unless she has told me ahead of time that she is eating out. Quite honestly I don't think it would be fair for her to drink up all the pop during the week leaving none for her siblings for the weekend (unless she is paying for it)

 

Have a family meeting and set whatever boundaries you need for your sanity.

In our family , I just make meals assuming they will join us and then place the leftovers in the fridge....and they usually ate them later.

Sodas. If she breaks your rule and drinks the family's sodas during the week. Then have her purchase more for the family.

 

It never made sense to me for teens to just do their own laundry since it would mean she would be doing several smaller loads. It seems like such a waste to run such small loads. Therefore maybe I'm wrong but if I'm washing her clothing and paying for it I have the right to tell her to take care of her clothing and not throw clean wash back in the laundry just because it's on her floor and she thinks it is dirty.

 

I just don't see that there is anyway you are going to win this. If you really do not want her to wash smaller loads and she will not take care of her clothing that you wash then show her where the nearest washateria is and insist she wash her clothes there.

 

It has been her choice not to get her license. I want her to but that's a whole other story.

 

Let her walk or ride her bike if she will not get her license.

Best of luck,mama!

[LizzyBee]

I was older (24) when I moved in with my oldest sister and her family. Her rules were pretty simple.

 

I was welcome to eat and drink what they ate and drank. Anything else, I needed to buy myself.

 

Everyone eats vegetables and drinks water or milk with meals (to set a good example for her kids).

 

Let her know in advance if I was having company.

 

Call and let her know if I was spending the night away from home so she wouldn't worry about me.

 

My sister did all the laundry, including mine, but I had certain rooms I was responsible for cleaning.

 

I haven't read all the posts, but I did notice one about respect and license. If she is choosing not to get her license, she should pay you (in time or money) for your time to take her where she needs to go. Mutual respect should be a given. I think sometimes teens don't realize how disrespectful they're being. I've had some talks with my dd16 where I've told her bluntly how it makes me feel when she says certain things or uses a certain tone. When she is rude, I give her specific examples of how she could have said the thing in a respectful manner.

Edited June 28, 2010 by LizzyBee

[justamouse]

I treat them as an adult living within our house. They set their own schedules, and tell me what's going on not out of deference, but for household conflicts (if I am entertaining and they need to ____). They wake up when they want, if they are tired the next day at work/school they'll figure out they need to sleep. I don't bother with what they eat, only that they tell me they'll be home for a meal so that I can prepare enough (as if that's ever a problem *eyeroll*).

 

No drinking if you are underage (I would let this slide depending on the child. I know a wonderful family who let their kids drink at home and the kids are super responsible in all ways.)

 

No drugs, period.

 

No smoking in the house or around the pool. Period.

 

Be respectful of all the people in the house and treat them as you want to be treated.

[Mom0012]

:iagree:

 

This was exactly how things ran in my house after high school graduation. I lived at home one year between graduation and college. My parents were clear about it being my decision. I had 3 choices...

 

1. Pay rent. In which case, I could set my own rules and meals would be provided for me. Some basic moral rules were in place (no boys sleeping over, etc.). No chores required other than doing my own laundry and cleaning my own bedroom.

 

2. Move out.

 

3. Be an active participate in family life and live at home rent-free. I was expected to help clean, drive my siblings to school, inform my parents of when and where I was going some place, etc. But seriously by 16-18yo, if I wanted a soda, I went and bought one with money I had earned. My parents weren't providing my clothes, my junk food, etc.

 

Best bet would be for your daughter to get a job so she can make her own choices and start demonstrating to herself and her family that she is an adult.

 

I really like these options and think they make a lot of sense.

 

To the OP: We recently went through this with my sdd and were really at a loss about how to handle it. Our situation was complicated by the fact that she had 3 different homes she could go to -- ours, her mom's and her grandparents. In the end, she wound up at her grandparents because they require nothing of her and hand her cash and gifts left and right. That was upsetting for my husband and I, but we felt that if she was going to continue to live in our home rent-free, then she needed to be contributing to the family. The things we asked were very reasonable -- helping with the dinner dishes, vacuuming once every couple of weeks and taking care of her own laundry. We also asked to have some sort of schedule for when she would be with us so that I could plan for meals and so that we would have some idea of where she was.

 

With my own children, I think I will very likely offer the options above. They won't have the luxury of just moving out and living rent-free and responsibility-free somewhere else, so I think we will have a better end result with them. Or, at least I hope we will.

 

It's a tough transition and it came on so fast in our situation. My sdd went from being with us almost all the time, to getting her license (and a brand new car from grandma) in August and now we only get together with her once or twice a week for dinner.

 

Lisa

[Sandy in Indy]

I have two college kids still living at home (22 and 19). One is working on grad school; the other will be a sophomore next year.

 

Their rooms are their own...as long as they close the door.

 

If their laundry is in the basket, I'll wash it. I have a LARGE HE washer, and it seems wasteful to me for them to do smaller loads. They're on their own if their clothes aren't in the basket.

 

I ask that they let me know if they won't be home for dinner. I cook less if they're not going to be here.

 

They don't have to be in any certain time, but I do ask that they let me know if they're going to be out late. I don't worry if I know. I'm not restricting them...just asking for a little courtesy.

 

They don't pay rent, but they do pay me for car insurance and a portion of the cell phone bill. These things would cost them a lot more if they had to get them on their own.

 

They are expected to contribute to the house and family. That includes things like helping with the cleaning, taking out trash, etc. and attending family events.

 

They work a few hours a week and they go to school. I try to help them be successful at those things. In return, I expect them to give their best to their studies and their employers. So far, neither has disappointed me!

[74Heaven]

When I came home from college, my father and I used to butt heads over curfew until we had a huge fight about it. I insisted that the curfew was stupid, because I was out much later, on my own, at college. He responded that he knew it might not be logical, but it was what he needed me to do for his peace of mind when I was living in his house. Well, duh ... when you put it that way it makes perfect sense, and I stopped arguing and obeyed curfew. Honesty and a desire for mutual respect go further than rules which seem to be arbitrary on the surface.

 

I really like this. This is an example of a young person who showed respect and love to her father. She willingly submitted her perceived "rights" to consider the "needs" of her father. That is how it should work when the teen is valuing the relationship.

 

Alas, lots of teens are too self-centered to make this work. Too impulsive. Too rebellious.

 

My 18yo daughter recently made some pretty bad decisions. She agreed they were bad decisions and said "well, I just didn't think".

 

I commented, "Freedom and Not Thinking Equal Disaster"

 

lisaj