Bratty little neighbor

[Haiku]

We have a neighbor who is about the same age as my kids. We don't see her much in the winter, but now that it is getting warm, the kids are out a lot more and they have been playing with the neighbor.

 

Unfortunately, I have never liked this girl. She's always been kind-of pushy and rude, and it got worse when she started school.

 

I don't think she is very nice to my kids. Last summer she said to another friend (in front of my dd), "She's the friend a play with when no one else is around." She took my son's socks at one point and hid them and wouldn't give them back, even when he started to cry. My oldest dd overheard her say to my dd, "Let's say that your brother was mean to us and get him in trouble!"

 

I have addressed all of these things with my kids (and the "get him in trouble" one with the neighbor). My kids are very close friends and they generally stand up for one another. They know that family is more important than friends, and they know I think this little girl isn't very nice.

 

So far this week, this girl has made fun of my son for being skinny (he's thin but not weirdly skinny, while she is definitely overweight), for having "funny teeth" (two of his teeth never grew in even as baby teeth, and one adult tooth is taking a long time to grow in), and for going to "baby school" (homeschool), which is for kids who are "too dumb to go to real school."

 

I have, of course, addressed these things with my kids. I have told my kids that they do not have to play with someone who is mean to them, and I have given them some options for how to respond to her. I have also told my kids that they do not deserve to be talked to that way.

 

Both of my kids, separately, have told me, "We just ignore her when she says those things. We like playing with her even if she's mean sometimes." My son said, "I just kind-of get the feeling that saying something to her wouldn't change anything."

 

Since my kids are aware that she behaves rudely but it doesn't seem to bother them too much, should I just let it go? The girls parents are nice and have been helpful to us. I don't know where the girl gets this behavior, because her parents really are very nice. I'm not willing to make the kids' relationship with her rule-based, such as they have to play where I can hear them (too impractical) or whatever. It would be either a "you can play" or a "you can't play" resolution.

 

Opinions?

 

Tara

[NanceXToo]

I'm curious to hear what others will say!

 

There is one neighbor girl a year older than my daughter on our block. My daughter likes playing with her. The girl hasn't said anything mean like that that I know of, but she has excluded my daughter from time to time, when she has someone else to play with- things like they're all playing out front just fine and then this girl will ask a neighborhood boy they are both friends with to go into her house or yard and will shut the door or gate and not invite my daughter along or even tell her "no, you can't come, too." The boy loves playing with my daughter, it's just the girl who initiates this. Of course, this same girl will sometimes come looking for my daughter to play with when no-one else is around.

 

Yet, other times she's perfectly nice.

 

Sometimes I'm tempted to say "don't even play with her, at all." But I don't, I just do what you do and tell my daughter "you don't have to be around her, you know." But even though it bothers my daughter sometimes, she'll say "I know" and still want to play with her. So I just leave it to her discretion.

[Gooblink]

Yaknow, based on what you've said, your kids seem to have a healthy response to her behavior and enough self-esteem to let it go.

 

My 2 cents? I'd leave it. Maybe they'll have a positive influence on her.

[myfunnybunch]

I'd just let it go. Children who are habitually unpleasant aren't much fun to be around after a while, and either your kids will figure it out and won't want to play with her or she'll gradually correct her own behavior and become more pleasant to play with.

 

I'd also keep talking to my kids about her behavior and let them know that a) they can choose not to play with her at any time if they can't stand her behavior and b) if they start acting like her, they will automatically not be allowed to play with her any more.

 

Cat

[Blessedfamily]

You know, as much as we'd like to pull our kids out of every unpleasant situation, it's sometimes best to let them handle it. It seems like they are doing fine. (If she was physically hurting them, I'd say differently.)

 

I have a feeling that one day they will convey to her that it's not nice to say mean things. Either by their own example, or one of them may just speak up at some point. Or, they may just avoid her on their own if she continues.

[kmacnchs]

as far as where she gets it from; most likely school. I bet she's been made fun of for being too fat and maybe too dumb and too babyish so when she gets a chance, she will probably take any opportunity to make fun of someone else...

 

I HATE it for your kids but they are being SOO mature about it! I'm not sure I would be able to stand it - I would want to fuss the kid out. But I think you are doing the right thing in talking to your kids and letting them deal with it. (unless she takes it to a physical or inappropriate level...)

[ChrissySC]

This is a good a experience for them. However sad it is in the real world, there are adults just like her. It is good to have them recognize and respond appropriately and learn to handle individuals.

 

I say let them play. Keep check. Ask questions frequently. I do the same with little boys. However, I believe that the parents may not be all you see them to be. Be cautious. The parents to these little boys up the street have been "super" to my face. Dd cannot play at their house because the mother indirectly called my daughter "stupid" as in "your little stupid friend" and she has been known to shout and yell at my dd. :) I kept my cool!

 

Rules may become necessary. Be ready to enforce them.

[Carrie12345]

For the most part, I'd let it go. I don't think there's any harm in cutting down on the *amount* of time they spend together, but you can always look at it as a learning tool.

 

We have a rotten kid to deal with at baseball practice/games. Her mother encourages her to be rotten. :glare: I have one dd who handles it all with ease, and one dd who would follow the little brat of a bridge if I didn't keep an eye on them.

(Which, as a side note, shows that social skills don't necessarily have to do with home vs. public school, or even parenting styles!)

 

When he can, dh picks up the little kids on his way home so they don't have to be around Brat Girl. When he can't, we all just deal with it.

[kalanamak]

Yaknow, based on what you've said, your kids seem to have a healthy response to her behavior and enough self-esteem to let it go.

 

 

 

 

:iagree:Their response seems to reflect well on your parenting! :D

[Mejane]

I'll probably get slapped back for this, but I once took a mean child aside and told him he wasn't being a very good friend and that if he couldn't be nice, he wasn't going to be allowed to play with my daughter anymore. She was only five, and it was hard for her to handle on her own. I said it kindly and in language he could understand. His mother was a neighbor who preferred not to discipline her kids and didn't seem to mind if others did. He had hurt my daughter's feelings one too many times, and I felt compelled to say something. He was nicer after, at least around me. :001_smile:

Edited May 25, 2010 by Mejane

[Guest]

I think when she says this mean stuff, they should say, "Wow, that wasn't very nice, was it?". Another one could respond with, "No, it sure wasn't". Eventually, the little girl will get the hint.

[Corraleno]

Yaknow, based on what you've said, your kids seem to have a healthy response to her behavior and enough self-esteem to let it go.

My 2 cents? I'd leave it. Maybe they'll have a positive influence on her.

:iagree:

 

as far as where she gets it from; most likely school. I bet she's been made fun of for being too fat and maybe too dumb and too babyish so when she gets a chance, she will probably take any opportunity to make fun of someone else...

Sadly, this is very likely the case. I hope your kids will have a positive influence on her.

 

Jackie

[Annabel Lee]

Yep, rude neighbors really suck, especially when they're the only kids on the street.

 

If your kids just walk away from her and disengage for about 20 min. every time she does this, maybe that will give her a clue.

 

I've got a very rude neighbor boy with a mom who flat-out told me "Well, I don't believe that" when I told her what her son had been saying & doing to mine. This was only after I tried telling him to stop but he wouldn't listen to me. He now hollers mean things from his driveway into our yard. The mom yelled at my dd last summer, after only ever being "super nice" to me. That was the last straw. Their kid has weird issues involving peeing on things when he's angry about them so it's no loss. Too bad the mom won't believe it, I was genuinely concerned for the kid.

[jewellsmommy]

This sounds like a very insecure little girl. I agree with the others. As long as it isn't harming your children, which it doesn't sound like it is, I would let them play together. Maybe that little girl needs some friends to demonstrate true kindness to her. The mommy in me would have a difficult with this, though.

[katilac]

Depends on where they're playing; I don't allow rudeness in my house or yard, so she'd be sent home for the rest of the day each time it occurred (and I would tell her exactly why).

 

If it's groups of kids playing in the street or around the neighborhood, then maybe my kids can make the choice of playing with her or not (provided they aren't routinely coming home upset or crying). I would definitely teach and rehearse various things to say in response to her. If nice, repeated responses have no effect, I would encourage a sharper response - if they know you might respond in kind, this type of person usually shuts up mighty quick. I'd definitely limit it, though; it's never a good idea for nice kids to become accustomed to abusive behavior.

 

I also agree with Chrissy about the parents possibly not being as nice as they appear; kids can pick up some ugly ways of talking at school, but this goes beyond the occasional taunt, tease, or slip of the tongue. Nasty kids tend to have nasty parents, ime.

[EarthyMama]

We have some issues with the kids in our neighborhood, too. For the first year all was well and we even moved our swingset to the front yard to let everyone play but recently the neighbors dd AND her parents have been nasty so we've moved it all back to the backyard.

 

It's really hard, but the silver lining is that your children are learning lessons. :)

[susankenny]

I think you've gotten some great advice. I would also leave it be & only intervene if your kids seem to need assistance or support from you. Then I'd squash her, lol. Just kidding of course:tongue_smilie:

 

 

Susan

[susankenny]

Nasty kids tend to have nasty parents, ime.

 

I have had a different experience here. I've found many children that misbehave & act ugly have very well-intentioned parents. Often, they can be too lenient though. Or in other circumstances, they seem genuinely at a loss of how to handle their child's misbehavior - so they often are inconsistent & trying anything and everything in discipline techniques, which leaves the child unruly because the structure lacks.

 

Susan

[HRAAB]

It would depend on how my children were handling it and their ages. Unfortunately, life is full of unpleasant people, and we do need to deal with them. Since your children seem to have a healthy handle on this girl's attitude, I would just let it go. However, if she was in my house and I overheard rude comments or behavior, I would definitely say something to her. Just as my children need to learn to deal with unpleasant people, unpleasant people need to learn that their behavior will not be tolerated.

[Haiku]

Depends on where they're playing; I don't allow rudeness in my house or yard, so she'd be sent home for the rest of the day each time it occurred (and I would tell her exactly why).

 

 

I usually don't know about these things until a later time, unfortunately. Today my son told me a bunch of stuff during math.

 

Tara

[Denisemomof4]

Personally, I wouldn't let it go. My NIECE was like this. Now I do love her, but she went out of her way to cause problems between my dd's. She would pit them against each other. She would try to get my boys in trouble. I love her, but our times together became negative. I also didn't like the affect she was having on my girls.

 

She's my only niece, but we rarely see her now. She lives 2 hours away, but the negative influence really did affect my girls and their relationship. No matter how much talking I did, issues did arise. I tried to work it out but my sister didn't really get involved. I wouldn't do it for a so called friend.

 

And I wouldn't want my kids to feel like they were second best.

[Hedgehogs4]

We have a neighbor who is about the same age as my kids. We don't see her much in the winter, but now that it is getting warm, the kids are out a lot more and they have been playing with the neighbor.

 

Unfortunately, I have never liked this girl. She's always been kind-of pushy and rude, and it got worse when she started school.

 

I don't think she is very nice to my kids. Last summer she said to another friend (in front of my dd), "She's the friend a play with when no one else is around." She took my son's socks at one point and hid them and wouldn't give them back, even when he started to cry. My oldest dd overheard her say to my dd, "Let's say that your brother was mean to us and get him in trouble!"

 

I have addressed all of these things with my kids (and the "get him in trouble" one with the neighbor). My kids are very close friends and they generally stand up for one another. They know that family is more important than friends, and they know I think this little girl isn't very nice.

 

So far this week, this girl has made fun of my son for being skinny (he's thin but not weirdly skinny, while she is definitely overweight), for having "funny teeth" (two of his teeth never grew in even as baby teeth, and one adult tooth is taking a long time to grow in), and for going to "baby school" (homeschool), which is for kids who are "too dumb to go to real school."

 

I have, of course, addressed these things with my kids. I have told my kids that they do not have to play with someone who is mean to them, and I have given them some options for how to respond to her. I have also told my kids that they do not deserve to be talked to that way.

 

Both of my kids, separately, have told me, "We just ignore her when she says those things. We like playing with her even if she's mean sometimes." My son said, "I just kind-of get the feeling that saying something to her wouldn't change anything."

 

Since my kids are aware that she behaves rudely but it doesn't seem to bother them too much, should I just let it go? The girls parents are nice and have been helpful to us. I don't know where the girl gets this behavior, because her parents really are very nice. I'm not willing to make the kids' relationship with her rule-based, such as they have to play where I can hear them (too impractical) or whatever. It would be either a "you can play" or a "you can't play" resolution.

 

Opinions?

 

Tara

 

imho, i would say to the kid, "you can't play with us because you are not kind." plain and simple. then i would not let my children go to her house. i would not let her come to my house. if it gets back to the parent, all the better. sorry...but i don't throw pearls to swine, and your kids sound like pearls the way they respond to her nastiness.

[Haiku]

Thank you for all your replies, and especially for this:

 

Their response seems to reflect well on your parenting!

 

I needed that!

 

Tara

[Remudamom]

I'd tell the girl that we didn't have time to play with someone who was so nasty, and if she wanted to hang then she'd better straighten up. Sorry, I really don't have time for people like that, no matter how old they are.

[Celia]

I've been in this situation with a neighbour boy who is a couple years older than my eldest son. I found what worked best was talking with him and his parents together about some of the things my son was reporting to me that he was doing. That and of course listening in on them playing and correcting the neighbour boy when he was out of line. I've also sent him home before when a verbal warning didn't work.

 

He knows my boundaries, and if they're stricter at my house than at his own (which obviously they are), tough beans. I keep a general eye and ear on the kids as they play, and if the teasing or language is beyond what my kiddo's are able to handle on their own, I intervene. Bullies on the playground is one of the things on my list of why I homeschool :)

[Chris in VA]

The mama bear in me would want to tell her off in a less than kind way.

 

I don't think any child should tolerate other kids being rude and nasty, as she is. It becomes normal to be treated like this, and that's bad for adults to accept, so it's bad for kids, too.

 

But your kids seem to be handling it--I just can't get past that they are also excusing it, a little, by continuing to play with her and experiencing it over and over.

 

I don't think it's their job, as kids, to reform/teach/mold or whatever, this girl, but I do think it's their job to stand up to her, and refuse to accept the behavior (don't shrug it off or excuse it as "just how she is").

 

I don't know! It's a tough situation for me.

[claire up north]

Personally, I'd talk directly to the girl.

[stripe]

I'm impressed that your kids are so tough. I guess if it really doesn't bother them, then there's no need to "protect" them from her. But I think it's good they are talking to you about it, and if you can continue to offer ways to redirect or address some of her wacky comments, that would be wise.

 

However, I would also be concerned about anything that leads to violence. I had a neighbor kid who had a reputation for being violent (one neighborhood girl told me about him) who ended up punching my son before throwing something at him that resulting in a trip to the ER for stitches, which has left a scar. So I am a bit jumpy....

[Impish]

Well, I'm not going to be popular with my response on this one, lol!

 

I have a nasty neighbour kid. I banned Diva from playing with her over a year ago.

 

A few wks ago, Diva witnessed this kid and some others having a drinking party in the middle of the afternoon. This girl (at the ripe age of 12) has also bragged about performing oral s*x.

 

Diva now says how smart I was to ban this kid :lol:

 

Bad company corrupts...and I don't see the need for any kid to put up with it, and would just put the rotten kid off limits.

[Blessedfamily]

Well, I'm not going to be popular with my response on this one, lol!

 

I have a nasty neighbour kid. I banned Diva from playing with her over a year ago.

 

A few wks ago, Diva witnessed this kid and some others having a drinking party in the middle of the afternoon. This girl (at the ripe age of 12) has also bragged about performing oral s*x.

 

Diva now says how smart I was to ban this kid :lol:

 

Bad company corrupts...and I don't see the need for any kid to put up with it, and would just put the rotten kid off limits.

 

 

I certainly hope this is just a fabrication on the girl's part.

[Impish]

No fabrication...I hoped as well. Diva overheard enough when she was playing with her brother and the kid was nearby in some cover to confirm that she is s*xually active.

 

Her parents are 'not my kid' folks...and completely ignorant of anything and everything to do with their kid. Tazzie was over there (before the ban) having been invited to a birthday dinner...he choked on a chicken wing so badly that he burst the blood vessels around his eyes...first thing the mom told me is that she wasn't watching him. Couldn't tell me if he'd swallowed the bone finally, or coughed it up. They stuck the kids in the kitchen, and parents were in another room.

[5knights3maidens]

Wow, do we have the same neighbor? I'm not looking forward to this summer...hopefully it will get better but I'm not to sure. :tongue_smilie:

Your kids are handling it wonderfully.

[Orthodox6]

Invisible neighbour mother ??

 

Your dc sound remarkably mature and self-confident. Way to go, Tara!

 

The girl sounds as if her unpleasant nature will "self-select" her out of being noticed by the neighbourhood children.

[Chris in VA]

No, she'll reach an age where she'll become smarter, and will selectively bully, and other girls will be drawn to her apparent self esteem--she'll turn into a ring leader of mean girls.

[Dooley]

I agree with this last post. We have a similar situation. After about a year, wherein my dd (age 10) decided herself she had had enough of a neighbor girl constantly "trading up" and leaving her, she stopped being her friend. Another girl up the street with the same experience stopped playing with her too. As of yesterday, this girl came out and gave ice cream to my dd and friend and traded those rubber band thingys with them. Today, they met up at the pool. The other friend is now all into being friends with bully again (these two used to also leave my dd and go play without her). My dd is so afraid that all the pain is going to start all over again, now that the bully friend has decided to actively try and regain friendships. Maybe she has changed. But I know the mom. I think not.

 

I am scared too. It was awful for everyone- long ugly story, really ugly.

 

Part of me wants to be mamma bear and tell everyone what is what, and part of me says no, the kids need to figure it out - its easy to tell who is a friend and who is not. Just hard to deal with the emotional fall out.

[teamturner]

I'm curious to hear what others will say!

 

There is one neighbor girl a year older than my daughter on our block. My daughter likes playing with her. The girl hasn't said anything mean like that that I know of, but she has excluded my daughter from time to time, when she has someone else to play with- things like they're all playing out front just fine and then this girl will ask a neighborhood boy they are both friends with to go into her house or yard and will shut the door or gate and not invite my daughter along or even tell her "no, you can't come, too." The boy loves playing with my daughter, it's just the girl who initiates this. Of course, this same girl will sometimes come looking for my daughter to play with when no-one else is around.

 

Yet, other times she's perfectly nice.

 

Sometimes I'm tempted to say "don't even play with her, at all." But I don't, I just do what you do and tell my daughter "you don't have to be around her, you know." But even though it bothers my daughter sometimes, she'll say "I know" and still want to play with her. So I just leave it to her discretion.

 

I had a very similar situation last year with a neighbor girl and my dd 8. I'm holding my breath to see how this summer unfolds. I'm so sorry your dd has to deal with this.