Are we being overprotective?

[Shawn On the Border]

Ds14 wants to go to a concert at a water park this weekend with some friends. My husband is in law enforcement, so he is well aware that this park has a lot of drinking and rough crowds. Just this weekend some guys were arrested there for fighting. When we told him he couldn't go, he claims that we are overprotective and we don't trust him. I don't want to be overprotective- I do trust him, but I don't feel that it is a safe place for a 14 y.o. What do you think? For those of you with younger teens, do you place a lot of limits on where they can go with their friends?

[AK_Mom4]

I have a DS14, too. And if it was really, really important to my DS14 that he get to attend the concert, then DH would go to the concert with him. Or, if DH couldn't make it, I would buy a pair of earplugs and tag along. 14 is too young in my mind to be at a concert with just friends.

[Pink Fairy]

Not too overprotective. Don't fall for it! I tried the same sort of manipulation with my own parents, and that was 25 years ago. :001_smile: They didn't fall for it either.

[happi duck]

IMHO you are being wise.

 

I take a lot of grief for being "over protective"...from other adults NOT my kids! Whenever I've gone against my gut I've been sorry. Anything that we prohibit is for a reason never just "because".

 

As my kids get older I've noticed that they are very good at accessing situations ahead of time and are NOT fearful.

[Sonshine]

I wouldn't second guess the informed opinions of a policeman and the teen's parents who are older and wiser because of a 14 year old's feelings. At this age he is a minor and you are responsible to make your best decision as parents.

[Renee in NC]

I have a DS14, too. And if it was really, really important to my DS14 that he get to attend the concert, then DH would go to the concert with him. Or, if DH couldn't make it, I would buy a pair of earplugs and tag along. 14 is too young in my mind to be at a concert with just friends.

 

:iagree:

[Laura Corin]

I have a DS14, too. And if it was really, really important to my DS14 that he get to attend the concert, then DH would go to the concert with him. Or, if DH couldn't make it, I would buy a pair of earplugs and tag along. 14 is too young in my mind to be at a concert with just friends.

 

My mother accompanied me and a few friends to a David Soul concert (aagh!) when we were young teens. It was not fun for her, but it was the right thing to do.

 

Laura

[NanceXToo]

In that instance, I wouldn't let him either. If it was somewhere that did NOT have a reputation for a lot of fighting and drinking and problems, then maybe I'd feel differently (because it's not your son you don't trust, it's the people around him who have that reputation in that particular setting). Every teenager thinks their parents are overprotective or that their parents are not fair. They get over it. lol. Sometimes you have to put their safety ahead of their desires, right? With that said, I don't see any reason why you can't offer the compromise that one of you will go along with him. Might be fun!

Edited May 25, 2010 by NanceXToo

[ktog29]

Yes, you do trust him. But the situation is setting him up for trouble. A wise friend of ours would not allow her son to hang out at the mall with his friends...not b/c she didn't trust them (she DID trust them) but b/c if there was a problem at the mall, a group of young men hanging around would look like the source of the problem, kwim? Same goes for your son. In addition, he could end up in over his head with drinking, fighting going on around him. He could get uncomfortable FAST. Definitely go along.

 

(But sit separately...bring dh and have a date!)

Edited May 25, 2010 by ktog29

[Janet in Toronto]

I'd let him go. My 14yo DS was permitted to attend similar events, but he has a cellphone and is very responsible. He is NOT a follower and has nice friends.

 

That being said, I live in a different country and perhaps the environment is different. I tend to the "free-range parenting" end of things. I guess what it boils down to is: do you think your son would get involved in drinking? what are the chances that he would get into a fight? In my case, the answers are "no" and "nil".

 

Janet

[justamouse]

My 14 Yo Dd I would say NO WAY. She looked much older and would have been hit on and not been able to handle it.

 

My 14 yo BOY though, that's different. In all honestly, I would. If you know his friends, and are comfortable with them and they are going as a pack, I would send them with my cell phone (if they don't have one) and make sure they answer. If you don't answer within 10 minutes you'll never get this chance again (they could be in the water).

 

If you go, you could just let them go off and do their own thing, but be in the park.

 

They need some space, some big adventurous things to do and a water park in the summer is a great thing for them. Whatever you do, I would make sure that he went.

[3lilreds in NC]

I don't have teens yet, but I can tell you that my parents would not have allowed me to go. For my 16th birthday, my dad took a friend and me to see Journey (I am really old, aren't I?). When I was a senior, my parents drove us to Detroit to see Bon Jovi - they dropped us off and picked us up. They were very protective.

 

I don't think it's a good idea, with the reputation of the place. If you were to go with him, that would be a different story. Is it an open seating kind of concert, where you could sit at a safe distance from them? And wear ear plugs? :D

[angela in ohio]

Not overprotective at all. The fighting would be it for me. He can control whether he drinks, but he can't control someone starting a fight with him.

 

My parents let me go to something similar (maybe worse?) at 16 and 17, and I was too young to go. :D I was just not mature enough to handle a rough adult environment. Thankfully, I was fine, but I look back and think :001_huh:.

[mrsrevmeg]

I wouldn't second guess the informed opinions of a policeman and the teen's parents who are older and wiser because of a 14 year old's feelings. At this age he is a minor and you are responsible to make your best decision as parents.

 

:iagree:No matter how "good" or "trustworthy" your son is, if this place has a reputation for bad things happening I would not let my son go. Like someone else already said, he can control if he drinks or not but cannot help it if someone starts a fight with him.

[katemary63]

I have a DS14, too. And if it was really, really important to my DS14 that he get to attend the concert, then DH would go to the concert with him. Or, if DH couldn't make it, I would buy a pair of earplugs and tag along. 14 is too young in my mind to be at a concert with just friends.

 

:iagree: My own son has told me horror stories about concerts. They are NOT usually a good place for a younger teen to be.

[Skadi]

If you trust him and you believe that his friends are levelheaded, I would let him go. I think 14 is definitely old enough to go to a concert without a helicopter parent hovering over him. I think it's very unlikely he'll get into a fight, especially if you've discussed with him beforehand some guidelines before going (e.g. stay with your friends and don't talk to people you don't already know, etc.).

 

I guess I'm in the minority here, but my view is that if teenagers wait to experience these environments for the first time when they're 18 and on a college campus with no parental backup, it's going to be much worse. You can share this experience with him now by being his lifeline (via a cell phone, rule he knows he's supposed to obey and your emotional support), or you can forbid him from these activities until he's old enough when he'll rush into them headfirst without your counsel.

[lionfamily1999]

14, imo, is too young for a concert without either parents or someone the parents trust.

 

:shrug:

 

Dd thought I was the most overbearing parent on earth until I started letting her read some things online that other parents wrote about their house rules. Now, she feels like she has all the freedom in the world :lol:

[fivetails]

If my dd13 wanted to go to a concert - I'd go with her. We like most of the same music anyway. :laugh:

[Mama Lynx]

I saw my first concert at 14, and my Dad took me and stayed with me the whole time. One parent always stayed with me until I was ... 17, I think.

 

I don't think you're being overprotective. If he really wants to go, have you or Dad accompany him.

[4kids4me]

You know the answer to the question -- you HAVE to go with your gut. And for what it's worth...it doesn't matter WHAT limitations anyone on the board has for their children because in the end you have to live with your decisions...you need to do what best suits your family.

[edithcrawley]

If you trust him and you believe that his friends are levelheaded, I would let him go. I think 14 is definitely old enough to go to a concert without a helicopter parent hovering over him. I think it's very unlikely he'll get into a fight, especially if you've discussed with him beforehand some guidelines before going (e.g. stay with your friends and don't talk to people you don't already know, etc.).

 

I guess I'm in the minority here, but my view is that if teenagers wait to experience these environments for the first time when they're 18 and on a college campus with no parental backup, it's going to be much worse. You can share this experience with him now by being his lifeline (via a cell phone, rule he knows he's supposed to obey and your emotional support), or you can forbid him from these activities until he's old enough when he'll rush into them headfirst without your counsel.

 

:iagree: I've seen many freshman start college and begin acting crazy and doing all sorts of stupid things because they hadn't had any freedom at all before.

 

Let him go to the concert with his friends, just tell him he has to call you every 1-2 hours. He should be fine. At most concerts, if you keep to yourself you'll be perfectly fine.

[Haiku]

I do trust him, but I don't feel that it is a safe place for a 14 y.o. What do you think? For those of you with younger teens, do you place a lot of limits on where they can go with their friends?

 

I have a fifteen year old. I tell her, "I do trust you, but I don't trust other people." I would not allow my 15 year old to do this water park concert just with friends. But I might go with her. For my 13th birthday, my dad took me to a Def Leppard concert. He even bought me a wine cooler!! I was sooooo cool. ;)

 

Tara

[melissel]

If you trust him and you believe that his friends are levelheaded, I would let him go. I think 14 is definitely old enough to go to a concert without a helicopter parent hovering over him. I think it's very unlikely he'll get into a fight, especially if you've discussed with him beforehand some guidelines before going (e.g. stay with your friends and don't talk to people you don't already know, etc.).

 

I guess I'm in the minority here, but my view is that if teenagers wait to experience these environments for the first time when they're 18 and on a college campus with no parental backup, it's going to be much worse. You can share this experience with him now by being his lifeline (via a cell phone, rule he knows he's supposed to obey and your emotional support), or you can forbid him from these activities until he's old enough when he'll rush into them headfirst without your counsel.

 

There's a whole lot of room between 14 and completely-unsupervised-18 for many other, safer scenarios. (And please believe me when I say, I am a liberal parent! My parents let me go away for weeks at a time with my boyfriend when I was 16, and I would probably make the same decision.) I'm thinking of our nearby amusement park, and there are PLENTY of people there who are looking for and eager to make trouble for whoever they can. As an adult, it made me so uncomfortable that I haven't been back there in a very long time.

 

There's no reason a parent can't go and be nearby. We attended a concert when we were young teens, and my friend's mom came and brought noise canceling headphones and a book :lol: IMO, there's plenty of time before college to start easing back--but to me, the key is "easing."

[May]

My dh or I would accompany the kids. Have fun and don't forget those earplugs.:001_smile:

[Carrie12345]

Just like 14yos don't need to be involved with the negative aspects of school in order to be safe/aware/socialized adults upon graduation, they don't need to be involved with negative activities outside of school in order to be safe/aware/socialized adults upon graduation!

 

I can't think of a reason to make a blanket "no unsupervised concerts" rule, but knowing the reputation of this place is enough to say no to *this* concert in *this* environment at *this* age. It isn't about him doing something wrong, it's about the dangers of being surrounded by aggressive, drugged/drunk people in (what I would assume is) a relatively confined space.

 

I would, however, probably make a point of arranging for him to do something else in the near future that might demonstrate your trust in him. It definitely isn't enough to just *say it.

 

What are your feelings about the water park without concerts? Or concerts in other venues? Or something else along those lines.

[ciyates]

My dh or I would accompany the kids. Have fun and don't forget those earplugs.:001_smile:

 

:iagree:

You don't have to hover by him just be within seeing distance. It isn't about trusting him its about everyone else.

[mich311e]

At that age my dad would have taken me to the concert. I love seeing bands play so I'm sure I'll be taking my son to many concerts. (He's already been to a few!) :)

[Photo Ninja]

There is a difference between making a decision based on information you have, and being overprotective, which is usually based on irrational fears. You have information about that location and concerts from a reputable source (law enforcement) and are basing your decision on that information. That is not being overprotective, despite what your disappointed ds may say.

 

So if you don't have objections to the band and concert in general, then allowing them to go to the concert with you or your dh supervising could be an answer.

[mcconnellboys]

I would trust my gut as a parent - particularly if someone close to me has recent anecdotal info to support that....

[LibraryLover]

My poor dh has gone to many a concert with teens, then fades into the background. ;) Near enough, and making sure the kids have cell phones.

 

I would let him go, but I would have someone responsible tag along...and fade into the background a bit. If you or your dh are not available, do you have a mature older teen or young adult cousin, church friend, older hser etc that you could pay to 'tag along"?

 

The worst concert my poor guy had to suffer was by InSync for my sister's teen. (She is a single parent). She knows she still owes him. lol

 

Ds14 wants to go to a concert at a water park this weekend with some friends. My husband is in law enforcement, so he is well aware that this park has a lot of drinking and rough crowds. Just this weekend some guys were arrested there for fighting. When we told him he couldn't go, he claims that we are overprotective and we don't trust him. I don't want to be overprotective- I do trust him, but I don't feel that it is a safe place for a 14 y.o. What do you think? For those of you with younger teens, do you place a lot of limits on where they can go with their friends?

[Renee in NC]

If you trust him and you believe that his friends are levelheaded, I would let him go. I think 14 is definitely old enough to go to a concert without a helicopter parent hovering over him. I think it's very unlikely he'll get into a fight, especially if you've discussed with him beforehand some guidelines before going (e.g. stay with your friends and don't talk to people you don't already know, etc.).

 

I guess I'm in the minority here, but my view is that if teenagers wait to experience these environments for the first time when they're 18 and on a college campus with no parental backup, it's going to be much worse. You can share this experience with him now by being his lifeline (via a cell phone, rule he knows he's supposed to obey and your emotional support), or you can forbid him from these activities until he's old enough when he'll rush into them headfirst without your counsel.

 

I would let my 16yo go and have. Not at 14, though. And I am not a helicopter parent - I let him fly alone (not as an unaccompanied minor) at 12 with flight changes in Atlanta and D.C. We taught him to drive at 12 and let him drive on private property.

 

It wouldn't matter anyway - most concerts he went to involved my dh as well. They are like best friends, like the same music, and hang out together all the time.

Edited May 25, 2010 by Renee in FL

[Shawn On the Border]

I'm still not sure what we're going to do, but I told ds14 that we couldn't decide until we have all the info-who is going, are parents going, etc. I think we'll let him go if there is a parent at the park. Otherwise, we haven't decided yet, but it's great to get different points of view. I really do trust ds14, I just think he's young to be going to concerts without a parent.

[lionfamily1999]

There's a whole lot of room between 14 and completely-unsupervised-18 for many other, safer scenarios. (And please believe me when I say, I am a liberal parent! My parents let me go away for weeks at a time with my boyfriend when I was 16, and I would probably make the same decision.) I'm thinking of our nearby amusement park, and there are PLENTY of people there who are looking for and eager to make trouble for whoever they can. As an adult, it made me so uncomfortable that I haven't been back there in a very long time.

 

There's no reason a parent can't go and be nearby. We attended a concert when we were young teens, and my friend's mom came and brought noise canceling headphones and a book :lol: IMO, there's plenty of time before college to start easing back--but to me, the key is "easing."

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

There is a difference between making a decision based on information you have, and being overprotective, which is usually based on irrational fears. You have information about that location and concerts from a reputable source (law enforcement) and are basing your decision on that information. That is not being overprotective, despite what your disappointed ds may say.

 

So if you don't have objections to the band and concert in general, then allowing them to go to the concert with you or your dh supervising could be an answer.

Excellent point.

I'm still not sure what we're going to do, but I told ds14 that we couldn't decide until we have all the info-who is going, are parents going, etc. I think we'll let him go if there is a parent at the park. Otherwise, we haven't decided yet, but it's great to get different points of view. I really do trust ds14, I just think he's young to be going to concerts without a parent.

That would make a big difference for me. Well, there are some parents I wouldn't trust :p, but for the most part, having an adult with them would help me lean toward the "go ahead and have fun" camp.

[J-rap]

***

Edited February 18, 2023 by J-rap

[littlebug42]

:iagree: I've seen many freshman start college and begin acting crazy and doing all sorts of stupid things because they hadn't had any freedom at all before.

 

Let him go to the concert with his friends, just tell him he has to call you every 1-2 hours. He should be fine. At most concerts, if you keep to yourself you'll be perfectly fine.

 

I had a loving, free range kind of mama and my troubles just started when I was in high school because she trusted me and honestly she shouldn't have. When I went away to college, it just got worse.

 

At 14, I would not let him go to a venue such as that. Even if he is the most trustworthy kid on the planet, the people around him are not. If there are parents going, I would probably allow it though (if I trusted the parent).

[sarao]

At 14, I would not let him go to a venue such as that. Even if he is the most trustworthy kid on the planet, the people around him are not. If there are parents going, I would probably allow it though (if I trusted the parent).

 

:iagree:

 

Listen to your heart! 14 is still so young to be out alone at night in a place you know is trouble.

[Cheryl in NM]

When DsD was 15 we caved to her pressure that we were being overprotective. After she was an adult we learned that she was not comfortable at all in the situation and was counting on us to protect her by sticking to our guns. Poor Ds, 13, we don't cave now! LOl

[Pretty in Pink]

No, I don't think you're being too overprotective. Fourteen feels a bit young to me to attend a concert unchaperoned anyway. I'd offer to go with him.

[*Jessica*]

:iagree: My own son has told me horror stories about concerts. They are NOT usually a good place for a younger teen to be.

I completely agree! My parents were not at all protective....at all! But my mom still went with me to any concert I attended until I was 16 or 17. Considering the things I have seen at concerts, I would never let a young teen attend without an adult I trusted present.

 

I would, however, probably make a point of arranging for him to do something else in the near future that might demonstrate your trust in him. It definitely isn't enough to just *say it.

:iagree:

[justamouse]

Wait, I thought he was going to a waterpark, not a concert.

[TravelingChris]

I had no problems letting my 14 yo dd go to a concert with youth group where they walked around with buddies but not an adult necessarily. So what I am about to say has nothing to do with a concert, per se, but the individual park and circumstances. I think your dh is completely right. In one area we lived in there were about four amusement parks. Two had no problems normally, one had only some problems when they had a certain type of concert or activity, and the last had a problem almost every day in the summer. IF I was living there now, I would have no problems with parks one and two, careful with park three and no way with park 4. I think you have a park 4 situation here and I think you should listen to Law enforcement husband. Your son nor his friends need to be doing anything wrong in order to get caught up in some very bad situations. I would prevent that from happening.