11 Year Old Boys - Are They Always Contrary, Crabby and Negative?

[LauraGB]

Or is it just mine?? Lately ds and I have been having tons of..."discussions"...about everything! Gah! From hair styles to clothing to food choices to personal hygiene practices to reading (or not reading at all :mad:) to, well, just about anything he can find to take an opposite stance on. I understand he needs room at this age to discover himself and start making choices based on his discoveries, but he wants to take everything to the extreme - just past where we will allow (and we are pretty forgiving with allowances in these areas already!).

 

I'm quickly becoming less understanding. Is there a big hormone thing around this age for boys? Should I let it ride and bite my tongue and wait for it to be over? How can I handle this so he doesn't keep the Mr. Negativity characteristic as a long term personality trait and I don't lose my patience with him?

 

Any advice is most welcome!

[Impish]

Diva's 11...and you pretty much summed her up, anyways. Maybe its an '11' thing, regardless of gender?

[christielee7278]

I think so, and I'm afraid it has carried over into age 12 too (for my ds anyway). We are also pretty lenient parents. I'm just asking for respect and kindness.

 

I'd love to hear some tips from experienced moms!!

[radiobrain]

HAHAHA! My 11 year old is a PITA!!! :lol: I have been told it is a phase...

 

please let it be a phase, please let it be a phase, please...

[MamaSheep]

Eleven was hard. Twelve was FABULOUS. I'd do twelve again with ds if I could. He will be thirteen in a month, and I can see him gearing up for it already with the mood swings and stubborn "independence". I am not looking forward to thirteen. But I wish a lovely twelve on you like the one I got, as it was a very nice break for my nerves between eleven and thirteen.

[elegantlion]

Yup, that's 11, at least it was here. 12 is more moody and they eat more. My ds is growing like a weed and his eating habits and moods show that. Make sure logic is on the schedule and there is plenty of time for physical activities. I timed ds running around the outside of the house today, then riding his bike, then moving footballs from one container to another. Wore him out.

[dragons in the flower bed]

Eleven was unpleasant. Twelve was going pretty well until his personal hero, the biggest brother, moved out of town. I have high hopes for thirteen.

[spradlin02]

Well, my six year old certainly is a PITA almost everyday at some point, but I think I'm starting to get the upperhand...for now.

Edited March 15, 2010 by spradlin02

[Jennifer in MI]

Oh yes. 11 is HARD!!! I've been through it twice. Luckily, mine are now through that phase. But, I remember when I was 11 and being difficult for my mom too. :001_huh: Now I feel really bad!

[laurad1125]

Ds11 definitely fits this description. To hear him go through his day, his life is terrible, his brother is atrocious and I'm an ogre. That's on a good day, too....

[LauraGB]

So, it's not just my kid. Well, that part is a relief, because, to be honest, I was seriously wondering if I am doing this parent thing all wrong and I'm generating lasting damage somehow.

 

So, now my big question is how did you handle it? The sheer disrespect is really ticking me off and all the rotten attitude is not helping either one of us because it is clouding my logic. Did you just deal with it, purse your lips and walk away? Did you stomp your foot and demand respect? We've talked - really great talks, so it's not like we aren't connecting on some level. But this day to day stuff is making me hike up my own crabby pants and share the unlove. (But, being the grown up that I am, I try really hard to take the high road as often as possible...)

[LauraGB]

Diva's 11...and you pretty much summed her up, anyways. Maybe its an '11' thing, regardless of gender?

 

Dd went through this last year. It lasted about 6 solid months and then tapered off. There has been some...residual snot(tiness ;)) that shows up here and there, but for the most part, she's back to normal. It was tough, but at least w/her I kind of knew it was primarily hormonal.

[woolybear]

Ummmmmmm.......they're supposed to wait until they're 11?? I had that at eight. Worse at nine. PLease don't tell me eleven is going to be even worse.:banghead:

 

The debates, the discussions.....no, I can't take it.

 

Woolybear

[missmoe]

Not as much as 13 year-old boys!

[MamaT]

My first son wasn't too hard - he has always been my easy child and eager to please. I thought the devil had moved in with my 2nd son. It was SO bad at 11 (and 12, and 13 . . .). He's 22 now and the last time he was home, he acted shocked that my 16yo would speak disrespecfully to me and really let him have it. :001_smile: It made me wonder if he has selective memory.

 

My now 11yo son number 4 has not entered that stage. He is still my sweet boy. I hope it lasts.

[mcconnellboys]

In my experience, yes they are all pretty much like that at this age. I'm not sure I can give any advice on being patient through it (as I'm not, LOL). But they do eventually come out the other side!

[tenoraddict]

I have a 10yo and a 12yo, both sons, so I average to 11, and life has been very hard here lately, for reasons you've mentioned. I understand that it's a phase, but one that lasts about 4 years...lovely.

 

What is a PITA?

[LauraGB]

What is a PITA?

 

Pain In The A$$

 

I know because I had to ask the same question a few months ago. :lol:

[MamaSheep]

Not as much as 13 year-old boys!

 

SHUSH!! I do NOT want to know this! LalalalalalaLALALALALALA! I can't HEAR you!! I keep telling myself we've gotten through the worst with this child with learning to control his Aspie fits of temper in years (fairly recently) gone by, and that the techniques he has learned will help him be more manageable in his teens. But I keep hearing "STORIES" from other Aspie moms who are a little further down the road than we, and it makes me want to lock myself in the cupboard until he's 25.

[MamaSheep]

So, it's not just my kid. Well, that part is a relief, because, to be honest, I was seriously wondering if I am doing this parent thing all wrong and I'm generating lasting damage somehow.

 

So, now my big question is how did you handle it? The sheer disrespect is really ticking me off and all the rotten attitude is not helping either one of us because it is clouding my logic. Did you just deal with it, purse your lips and walk away? Did you stomp your foot and demand respect? We've talked - really great talks, so it's not like we aren't connecting on some level. But this day to day stuff is making me hike up my own crabby pants and share the unlove. (But, being the grown up that I am, I try really hard to take the high road as often as possible...)

 

I have found that a sense of humor is absolutely essential. If you take it all personally you will be a basket case. Learn to laugh. Do unexpected silly things. Help THEM not take themselves so seriously. It's only life. Nobody gets out of it alive.

[Pippen]

Not as much as 13 year-old boys!

 

:iagree: I'll take 11 over 13 any day.

[Pippen]

I'm quickly becoming less understanding. Is there a big hormone thing around this age for boys? Should I let it ride and bite my tongue and wait for it to be over? How can I handle this so he doesn't keep the Mr. Negativity characteristic as a long term personality trait and I don't lose my patience with him?

 

Any advice is most welcome!

 

Seriously, I do think this age is hard for many boys because they're outgrowing the kid stuff and don't yet fit into the teen world. One of the biggest problems my oldest had at this age was boredom--things that used to occupy his world (like Legos) just didn't fit any more. It took him awhile to settle in and it took me awhile to get into flexible mode.

 

On my end I found I really had to step it up in terms of being interested in his interests, and that helped a lot. I was good relating on the little boy stuff, but not so much on the older boy/teen stuff. For instance, he was a major Star Wars fan and when the last film release was approaching he would literally follow me around the house asking "What do you think about (insert details about characters and plot I didn't remember a thing about)?". I figured being an obsessive without someone to talk with would be a real bummer, so I watched the movies and read a few books. He was thrilled and I got far more out of it than the hours I lost reading/watching. I didn't wind up being the obsessive equal he needed, and in fact he had a lot of fun with my attempts at understanding, but I was better than nothing.

 

Adding privileges and spending deliberate one-on-one time that fit the age/interests also went a long way at our house. ie Staying up later than the siblings on Saturday to watch a movie and sneak a pizza with dad, or sneaking out of the house to go to the bookstore cafe after the other kids went to bed became postive relationship builders, and helped ease the negatives.

 

When the negativity was really bad, humor helped a lot with one of my boys. Sometimes I would really play it up big when Mr. Negative came to call, and in fact when that happened we did refer to the unwelcome guest as Mr. Negative. For awhile there we had a complaint list going and the moment he started in I would drop everything and grab the list, sit him down at the kitchen table, give him my undivided attention, and write down his complaints in detail. Worked like a charm...;)

 

Hang in there. You'll get through this...and in no time at all you'll be asking how we survived 13. :lol:

Edited March 16, 2010 by Pippen

[Tree House Academy]

Is there a big hormone thing around this age for boys?

 

No advice...but an "I feel ya." :grouphug: There must be a hormone thing because my 10.7 year old is about to drive me up the wall with the same type stuff. It has just gotten really bad in the last 6 mos or so. Makes me want to :auto: until he is 25 or so! :lol:

[Tree House Academy]

:iagree: I'll take 11 over 13 any day.

 

 

Oh man! Sounds like it only gets BETTER.:001_huh::glare:

[Laurie4b]

Or is it just mine?? Lately ds and I have been having tons of..."discussions"...about everything! Gah! From hair styles to clothing to food choices to personal hygiene practices to reading (or not reading at all :mad:) to, well, just about anything he can find to take an opposite stance on. I understand he needs room at this age to discover himself and start making choices based on his discoveries, but he wants to take everything to the extreme - just past where we will allow (and we are pretty forgiving with allowances in these areas already!).

 

I'm quickly becoming less understanding. Is there a big hormone thing around this age for boys? Should I let it ride and bite my tongue and wait for it to be over? How can I handle this so he doesn't keep the Mr. Negativity characteristic as a long term personality trait and I don't lose my patience with him?

 

Any advice is most welcome!

 

Pretty much. I find that mine are worst between 11-13. I've observed that boys get something like PMS, only it tends to last for long stretches of time (like a couple months). The dr. said this was true in his experience as well. (He also raised a house full of sons.) A friend of mine used to call it the "hormone drip" : when the hormones are first beginning to drip in, the boys are erratic and difficult. Once the hormones have fully kicked in, they tend to stabilize.

 

I think for boys, the move to dominance is more obvious than with girls. Another friend says she learned all she needed to know about boys and men from watching bulls in the field growing up. The bulls interactions with each other were all about establishing dominance. So your young bull is moving to assert himself.

 

This actually has been helpful to me both in understanding my boys interaction with me and with each other. So with me, I need to lead in a way that doesn't have the flavor of dominance. I still have to lead, but the time is gone for me to just give direct orders: "Get your shoes on, " is appropriate for little kids and isn't dominant. I know what needs to be done and I tell them when they are little. The same type of "command" will be read as dominant by emerging teenaged boys. I don't know if I'm explaining this well, but it's a shift in leadership style. In my leading of teenaged boys, there is a lot more reliance on natural consequences rather than imposed consequences. I am actively working on phasing myself out and becoming an advisor rather than the alpha. Their respect for me is still there, but not because I"m "top dog." Does that make sense? So part of their "stuff" at this age is hormones and part of it is the parents also needing to make a transition from "little kid parenting" to "young man guiding".

 

Right now, insofar as their interactions with each other, I am pointing out where the action has at it's core a test of who is dominant. I think naming it is helpful.

[MJN]

forewarned to be on the watch for it. He's almost 13 now. I put him on a multivitamin and some Omega 3 and offered more protein shakes, healthy foods,, not junk, gave lots of love, attention, and just being interested in what he has to say has gone a long way. He's a REAL detail oriented person so his stories are super long. I'm a "get to the point" kind of gal, so it drives my nerves crazy, but I'm trying to be patient. I also make sure he has opportunities to use up his testosterone with "man size" jobs around here. It helps his attitude to see things he has accomplished and that have helped the family out. He is in charge of the yard now. He takes great pride in his work. Letting him branch out and share his ideas of how things work or how he'd like to do something has given him loads of confidence. I compliment him on a "job well done" and remind him that he is growing into a young man now. That his responsibilities grow with maturity. Most days he is a joy to have around now. If he has a bad day, it is usually because he needs more sleep. I compare this age to when he was 3 and getting ready to turn 4. That was a tough year! There was such a battle going on inside. He wanted to still be a "baby", but yet he wanted to be a "big boy". I thought one of us was going to have to move out. LOL! Thankfully, this season hasn't been as bad as that one. :-)

 

 

Enjoy this season - it'll be over before we know it!

 

Blessings,

 

Molly

[tenoraddict]

Pain In The A$$

Thanks! Too funny, and so appropriate. :D

 

It's only life. No one gets out of it alive.

:lol: Thanks for the perspective! Also, if it's any consolation, I have a deep affection for a friend's 19yo Aspie boy. He was a challenge until his mid-teens (and still had "moments" after that), but he is a delight and joy to all (ok, most) around him now (valedictorian of his classical Christian school class last year, with a speech that made us want to stand up and cheer). He goes to college in New York City and is doing very well. Hang in there, MamaSheep. :)

 

OK, here's my issue of late: my previously delightful 12yo DS has lost his brain. He was my "classic student," ie, eager to please, great attitude with schooling - and almost everything else, got work done in a timely way, etc, etc... In the past couple of weeks, however, he has been taking hours longer than usual to complete his work...if he even completes all of it. This NEVER happened before - not at school, not homeschooling...He is totally spacing out for long stretches of time, and feels badly about it...but then does it again. At the end of the day, he's mad at himself for wasting so much time, cries about it, yada, yada, yada. Any suggestions for vitamins, consequences, anything?

[LauraGB]

Oh, Thank You, everyone! I feel better equipped to deal with Mr. Nasty who got a haircut yesterday that, ahem, didn't quite agree with him (naturally :glare:).

 

We went for a walk today, and while dd trailed behind us, ds and I talked about...nothing in particular. Just his observation of inane things and it was good. Get this - he actually reached for my hand and held it (!!!) while we walked. :thumbup: It was the easiest moment we've had in quite a while.

 

I love MamaSheep's "It's only life. No one gets out of it alive". I started the day smiling about it.

[lauracolumbus]

Seriously, I do think this age is hard for many boys because they're outgrowing the kid stuff and don't yet fit into the teen world. One of the biggest problems my oldest had at this age was boredom--things that used to occupy his world (like Legos) just didn't fit any more. It took him awhile to settle in and it took me awhile to get into flexible mode.

 

On my end I found I really had to step it up in terms of being interested in his interests, and that helped a lot. I was good relating on the little boy stuff, but not so much on the older boy/teen stuff. For instance, he was a major Star Wars fan and when the last film release was approaching he would literally follow me around the house asking "What do you think about (insert details about characters and plot I didn't remember a thing about)?". I figured being an obsessive without someone to talk with would be a real bummer, so I watched the movies and read a few books. He was thrilled and I got far more out of it than the hours I lost reading/watching. I didn't wind up being the obsessive equal he needed, and in fact he had a lot of fun with my attempts at understanding, but I was better than nothing.

 

Adding privileges and spending deliberate one-on-one time that fit the age/interests also went a long way at our house. ie Staying up later than the siblings on Saturday to watch a movie and sneak a pizza with dad, or sneaking out of the house to go to the bookstore cafe after the other kids went to bed became postive relationship builders, and helped ease the negatives.

 

When the negativity was really bad, humor helped a lot with one of my boys. Sometimes I would really play it up big when Mr. Negative came to call, and in fact when that happened we did refer to the unwelcome guest as Mr. Negative. For awhile there we had a complaint list going and the moment he started in I would drop everything and grab the list, sit him down at the kitchen table, give him my undivided attention, and write down his complaints in detail. Worked like a charm...;)

 

Hang in there. You'll get through this...and in no time at all you'll be asking how we survived 13. :lol:

 

Thanks! You described my little guy and made me realize I need to take more time w/him and not run away w/my hands over my ears.

 

It's just hitting him these past few weeks, and I was hoping it was sleep deprivation. He's turning 12 in a couple of months so maybe I'll luck out and get an angel on that day as my present.

[MamaSheep]

Hee hee...if you like that one, here's another old favorite of mine: "I've never had a day yet that I didn't live through." (Courtesy of my mother, who raised seven of us loonies.)

[buddhabelly]

To answer your question, yes. I will also add that they need a whole lot of sleep. More sleep than you've ever thought possible!

 

Julie

[Delighted3]

I always tell people that when a boy turns 11, he loses his mind. We just have to love them until they find it again...in 5-7 years if your lucky :)

HTH,

Joy

[hornblower]

Wow, I'm counting my blessings b/e my almost 12 yo is an absolute delight. Sure he leaves his dirty laundry all over, but he's changing his clothes! Yes, he empties the hot water tank, but he's in the shower! He's about as co-operative about chores and school as he's always been, he flits from one interest to another like he always has, he forgets and loses things like he always has, he can talk a hind leg off a donkey....

 

You mean it's going to change??? :confused::001_huh::ohmy:

 

I want him to stay. Can I can him? Stick him in a Ziploc in the freezer? Poke him with a pin & stick him on a butterfly board?

[lynn]

Let's just say my oldest was an interesting 11yr old. I think most of the issues came from us moving. We survived. My second son really did not change at all. I have one more coming up so we'll see.

[Pippen]

Thanks! You described my little guy and made me realize I need to take more time w/him and not run away w/my hands over my ears.

 

It IS hard. Suddenly this person you have established relationship patterns with changes, and what used to work doesn't work anymore. They definitely aren't going to change back, so it's a good time to unplug your ears and educate yourself a little on whatever they're into these days. Only not too much: you don't want to be beating them at their favorite video game. :lol:

 

He's turning 12 in a couple of months so maybe I'll luck out and get an angel on that day as my present

 

Good luck with that. ;)

[radiobrain]

I can't remember where I read or heard this, but it seemed to make sense...

 

That when they are in the pre-pre-pubescent phase (11-12) they lose the little filter between their brain and their mouth. They just cannot help but express their feelings immediately and w/o much thought. I try to remind myself that he might not be able to help it most of the time (but sometimes, it is definitely on purpose) and I need to just ignore it. My husband has a VERY hard time with this, and I feel like I am a referee in a cage match. :tongue_smilie:

 

As their hormones level off they tend to regain a bit more brain control...

 

at least something like that... now, if only he would stop EATING EVERYTHING IN SIGHT

[MistyJ]

My ds13 is killing me. I'm switching to CLAA because I like it, but also because I am done with the negative interactions between us. It's got to be diffused.

 

If he's not sleeping, he's eating. If he's not doing either of those, he's complaining or calling me names.

 

We were at a very nice, high Mass last night with our Bishop. A really beautiful experience, and there he was next to me, with an endless monologue about "weird" people, and what so and so was doing, etc. Something came to me: Last year he went blind, and his vision came and went for several months, with two hospital stays, home health care and endless dr. visits. So, I decided last night, that when he comes up with another criticism of the world around him, I'm going to wave my hands in the air and say, "Thank you, Jesus! My baby ain't blind!" It helps that it embarrasses him.

[ciyates]

I have found that a sense of humor is absolutely essential. If you take it all personally you will be a basket case. Learn to laugh. Do unexpected silly things. Help THEM not take themselves so seriously. It's only life. Nobody gets out of it alive.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

It was either make him laugh or kill him. For us 11-13 was torture. 14 hasn't been so bad but we are only 3 months in! :lol: I backed off a lot and only expected the essentials. And trust me that bar was pretty low. DH stepped in when any of the disrespect showed up. One day when it was bad he told him that first off I was his wife before I was DS's mother and that no one would ever speak to his wife like that. That helped for a while. My only suggestion would be to invest in a cattle prod and use while they are sleeping. That way they have no idea what just happened. :lol:

[Ritsumei]

I want him to stay. Can I can him? Stick him in a Ziploc in the freezer? Poke him with a pin & stick him on a butterfly board?

:lol::lol::lol:

 

 

I'm not there yet, but a good friend of mine has teens. She says that they all go through a "puke-face" stage. If I recall, she said boys do it at 11, and girls at 13... so hers were "puke-faced" at the same time. Now they all laugh about it. Good luck!

 

If it helps any, my 16 year old brother is turning into good company, and the 14 year old brother is showing signs of improvement!

[Julie in CA]

Not as much as 13 year-old boys!

Actually, I thought I might kill *them.*

It was the worst age with each of them. Give me a terrible two or a rambunctious three any day, but keep those 13yo boys away from me...:glare:

[MyLittleWonders]

I'm not sure if I should have read this thread or not! :lol: At times it was inspiring and very touching, and at other times it made me wonder if I should schedule a very long vacation, starting in about 2 years! With my boys' ages, just as one would be regaining a more pleasant disposition, the next will be entering the 11-12 year old window!

[Snickerdoodle]

I'm not sure if I should have read this thread or not! :lol: At times it was inspiring and very touching, and at other times it made me wonder if I should schedule a very long vacation, starting in about 2 years!

 

 

Seriously.

 

I should not have opened this thread.

[Omma]

I'm not sure if I feel better or worse:tongue_smilie:. I have a boy that just turned 10 and I've been wondering what in the world has happened to him! I feel somewhat better that it is likely a phase.... but a 4-year phase.... yikes! I will try not to take it so personally, but I also don't like the way he bosses around and gets angry at his younger sister (who is 8).

 

Brenda

[kewb]

My ds just turned 12 on Monday and I can honestly say the last few months have been torture for me. Moody, negativity, rebellious, all normal and all driving me nuts. This thread has given me some good ideas and made me want to cry at the same time.

[cougarmom4]

So part of their "stuff" at this age is hormones and part of it is the parents also needing to make a transition from "little kid parenting" to "young man guiding".

 

 

 

Excellent point.

Anybody want to brainstorm ways to make this transition? Especially as ds12 is my oldest, I'm noticing that I really DO need to make some changes here. I know that I can't necessarily change HIM, but looking for ways to change MYSELF so that I'm not contributing to the problem, but am able to calmly guide him through the emotions he's dealing with.

 

Anyway, this transition from 'little kid parenting' to 'young man guiding' is exactly what I need to figure out. What do you ladies think? How have you made this transiton? What are some steps you have taken to loosen the apron strings a little bit?

[LauraGB]

Anyway, this transition from 'little kid parenting' to 'young man guiding' is exactly what I need to figure out. What do you ladies think? How have you made this transiton? What are some steps you have taken to loosen the apron strings a little bit?

 

:bigear:

 

I struggle with this, too - the "how" on my end. Separately, his issues aren't that big of a deal - most things individually I really don't see a need to argue about (meaning he can have his way, it really is more important to him than it is to me). But, everything collectively, compounded over days, weeks, months...well, at that point it begins to push the entire principle of being parented (or needing one at all) to an extreme that a kid of 10, 11, 12 years old can't realistically handle (nor his mother!). At 15 or 16, I can see giving a lot more freedoms. But this age is driving me batty trying to decide from the plethora of things which ones to step back from, and how far back I should go. Does that make sense?

Edited March 18, 2010 by LauraGB

[Renee in NC]

See, I skipped this the first time around. My oldest was snotty at 9 and 10. He turned 11 in May and went through puberty *fast* - he was 8 inches taller and his voice had changed by school in August! We had a few moments over the next two years, but overall he has been an easy, comfortable adolescent (he'll be 17 in two months.)

 

My current 12yo, however, is going to be the DEATH of me. He is a contrary child anyway - bad tempered, sensory issues, perfectionist - you get the point. I don't know if we will make it through the next couple of years. He gets over-the-top angry if a brother looks at him wrong. He is just plain MEAN sometimes!

 

Other times he is sweet, helpful, and mature. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

 

About the time he is done, my now 9yo will be there and he has a brother 18 months younger. Then the girls come - 18 months younger and then 2 years. Then another boy 2 years younger!

 

When I had 5 children in 7 years, I knew this day would come, but I am not sure I am ready for it! Wake me up in 2024 please...

[elegantlion]

Excellent point.

Anybody want to brainstorm ways to make this transition? Especially as ds12 is my oldest, I'm noticing that I really DO need to make some changes here. I know that I can't necessarily change HIM, but looking for ways to change MYSELF so that I'm not contributing to the problem, but am able to calmly guide him through the emotions he's dealing with.

 

Anyway, this transition from 'little kid parenting' to 'young man guiding' is exactly what I need to figure out. What do you ladies think? How have you made this transiton? What are some steps you have taken to loosen the apron strings a little bit?

 

I've read a few books on boys specifically, I do not have brothers, so pre-teen boy is new to me. There are some good titles around here if you do a search.

 

Dh has always been very involved in the discipline, parenting but he's stepped it up. They do things together and dh is very intentional about talking about respect, focus, and completing tasks, and other character issues. They do a lot of talking in the car or while doing something else. He's taking over in areas that I used to deal with.

 

Another issue I try to stay on top of is his mood swings and growth spurts. He hasn't had the 8 inch summer :001_huh: but I do take into account where I feel like he's at at the moment. Is he eating more, sleeping more, being generally grumpy without cause? Some days I see the brain cells dying and know we aren't getting anywhere. I love homeschooling so we can do more reading, watch a movie, or be more goofy on those kind of days. It usually last a day and then he's back.

 

We've also stepped up the level of privacy he is afforded. I don't enter his room without knocking, I don't go through his stuff without permission (and he's given us no reason to not trust him), and we do a lot of talking about how life will be when he's an adult.

[cougarmom4]

:bigear:

 

I struggle with this, too - the "how" on my end. Separately, his issues aren't that big of a deal - most things individually I really don't see a need to argue about (meaning he can have his way, it really is more important to him than it is to me). But, everything collectively, compounded over days, weeks, months...well, at that point it begins to push the entire principle of being parented (or needing one at all) to an extreme that a kid of 10, 11, 12 years old can't realistically handle (nor his mother!). At 15 or 16, I can see giving a lot more freedoms. But this age is driving me batty trying to decide from the plethora of things which ones to step back from, and how far back I should go. Does that make sense?

 

It makes perfect sense to me...well, I guess if it made perfect sense I'd know how to handle it, wouldn't I? :001_smile: But I'm right there with ya!

 

Dh and I have talked a lot about how we need to determine which things we need to relax a bit on. Obviously, we need to relax on some things, yet we still feel he needs guidance & limits. Just like you said, trying to decide which issues to step back from...and how far back to go. That sums up exactly how I'm feeling.

 

Most of our problems stem from ds12 being angry about having to do all the things that he just has to do...shower, get ready to leave on time, complete assignments, turn them in on time. I've tried creating routines and having a way for him to just look at a list/card to know what else needs to be done. That seems to help us a little bit--takes my 'voice' out of the equation. It's just part of life that he needs to do these things. I've tried to let him have some control with these types of things--hmm, I don't care what order he does them and I don't harp on him doing them, it's just expected that they are done by a certain time. You know, he'd rather play the Wii all the time and not have to do anything, but that's just not an option. (Now then, everybody else he knows is allowed free access to electronics...so to him I am being completely unreasonable in enforcing any limits on such things...)

 

Then there are the times when I know he is tired & frustrated and just doesn't seem able to handle it. It always seems to happen when it's least convenient. And it kind of reminds me of the toddler years! (I also have a two year old...and they both seem to be acting in similar ways!!!). I feel a little like I'm walking on eggshells...never quite certain when he is going to just completely lose it.

[MamaSheep]

Excellent point.

Anybody want to brainstorm ways to make this transition? Especially as ds12 is my oldest, I'm noticing that I really DO need to make some changes here. I know that I can't necessarily change HIM, but looking for ways to change MYSELF so that I'm not contributing to the problem, but am able to calmly guide him through the emotions he's dealing with.

 

Anyway, this transition from 'little kid parenting' to 'young man guiding' is exactly what I need to figure out. What do you ladies think? How have you made this transiton? What are some steps you have taken to loosen the apron strings a little bit?

 

I don't know if this is what you're looking for, but a friend recently recommended this book about emotion coaching to me. I haven't read it yet, but I plan to, as I thought it looked quite useful in regards to the bit I highlighted above.