goth child turning OK?

[momto4kings]

My soon to be 14 son has one foot in the goth world. I say one foot, because he is still reasonably social, dresses in a variety of color, but of course prefers black. We are not encouraging it.

 

Do you know of anyone who has gone through this phase and outgrew it, and turned out normal?

[Annabel Lee]

*raising my hand*

 

ETA: this was of course about 15 yrs. ago, and my forray into it was mild & only for about a year and a half. Keep giving him the communicative tools he needs to express himself fully. Maybe he'll eventually grow into having such strong skills expressing himself in words (written and/or oral), music he's composed (lyrics and/or music), etc. that he won't feel the need to "illustrate" it with visuals. Then again, my "goth" period (which included a mix of other stereotypes as well) involved alot of creative writing, writing poetry, painting and other art. Just keep loving on him. ((hugs))

Edited February 24, 2010 by Annabel Lee

[Melabella]

Yes, my nephew has. It started when he was about 13 or 14 also and lasted about two years. I wouldn't say he's "preppy" now, but he no longer wears make-up, has a nice haircut, and wears normal clothing of various colors. He also became more active in school clubs and events.

 

ETA: Like articmom's story above, this child is very creative. In fact, this summer is has been chosed to participate in our state's Governors Honor Program (very selective and competitive) for art. My in-law's, who have raised him, did not encourage, but they didn't fight it either.

Edited February 24, 2010 by Melabella

[Shawna in Texas]

Uh...here. The normal part is debatable. :D When I was into it, it really was just a bunch of us dressed in black, listening to alternative music (some metal), talking about our problems (lol, considering we really didn't have any), but we mostly talked about music and what movie we were going to see. Basically we were the same as any other kid, but were looking for a non-conformist identity. I think the most dangerous thing we ever did was share eyeliner. I think we evolved into grunge after. I think grunge was worse because we were older and unkempt. I took more care with how I looked when I wore all black.

 

Honestly, it's probably just a phase. One of many. The next may be worse. :tongue_smilie:

 

ETA because of articmom's ETA: The poetry! Oh god the poetry! May it never be uncovered! We really tried to emulate Edgar Allen Poe, so maybe you could get creative with this. It's been about 20 years ago for me.

Edited February 24, 2010 by Shawna in Texas
because emo kids are cool!

[LittleIzumi]

Uh...here. The normal part is debatable. :D When I was into it, it really was just a bunch of us dressed in black, listening to alternative music (some metal), talking about our problems (lol, considering we really didn't have any), but we mostly talked about music and what movie we were going to see. Basically we were the same as any other kid, but were looking for a non-conformist identity. I think the most dangerous thing we ever did was share eyeliner. I think we evolved into grunge after. I think grunge was worse because we were older and unkempt. I took more care with how I looked when I wore all black.

 

Honestly, it's probably just a phase. One of many. The next may be worse. :tongue_smilie:

 

ETA because of articmom's ETA: The poetry! Oh god the poetry! May it never be uncovered! We really tried to emulate Edgar Allen Poe, so maybe you could get creative with this. It's been about 20 years ago for me.

 

My poetry was usually free verse, personally :lol:. But otherwise, this! Except that I'm still really young for this board and still wear some of my goth clothes sometimes--they fit and I can't afford a new wardrobe more than a piece or two every couple of months, lol. Nothing scary, just black & plaid :lol:.

[Annabel Lee]

(My words are in purple below... to match one of the hair-dye colors I used to highlight with during my "goth" phase).

 

Basically we were the same as any other kid, but were looking for a non-conformist identity.

Which is ironic because to fit in w/ a goth crowd you have to look & act a certain way (you certainly couldn't go around saying, "Have a happy day because Jesus loves you!!", gushing joy, and think that will fly well w/ goth peers). You have to have or adopt a melancholy attitude, or at least pretty laid-back. You have to subscribe to an entire subculture which is the antithesis of "non-conformist". I just have to laugh, if they only knew the problems that age, maturity, and more responsibility can bring... and I bear it all with color and upbeat music! :lol: Oh, just wait until they have a mortgage & medical & insurance to deal with... ;)

 

The poetry! Oh god the poetry! May it never be uncovered! We really tried to emulate Edgar Allen Poe, so maybe you could get creative with this. It's been about 20 years ago for me.

 

Yes! I still think Poe was brilliant. Pink Floyd, not so much, seeing as I am now the teacher who won't leave the kids alone, lol.

[Tohru]

Your kiddo is fine. He's probably just trying on a "mask" and at the same time to see if he's still lovable to you.

 

My dh had a mohawk from when he was 14 until around 23. He looked very hard core punk... liberty spikes, leather, chains. bondage attire - the whole deal. However, he was the sweetest, most courteous kid. The stereotypical carrying groceries for little old ladies and everything.

 

His mother is awesome and let him outgrow his phase himself. Today he is the most patient, nonjudgmental person I've ever met. And still loves his mother dearly.

 

Myself, I was very goth for several years as a teen and then became an accountant. :lol:

[bbmom]

I think goth is similar to many other "subcultures" in of that most people outgrow them and come out "normal." How many 30 year old "goths" do you know? Teenagers have to find their own identity-goth is just one way to do that. I will say he will likely outgrow it more quickly if you don't let on that it bothers you. The best way to cement any "identity" in a teenagers head is to show that you hate it ;)

[Laura Corin]

When you say 'one foot in the goth world,' what are the symptoms? Calvin wears black but I wouldn't call him a goth.

 

Laura

[Peela]

I wouldn't take it too seriously- you could make it more than it is by giving it too much energy. Teens love to play with identities and they also want to separate from their parents and form their own identity. They need to experiment, within limits.

The way we would deal with it is to discuss openly what goth represents, in a fairly factual way, and then gently make fun of it. Who wants to be sad and depressed and have big black eyes?

[Hockey Mom]

My DD went through a 'goth' stage when she was about 13. Wore the black clothes, dyed her hair black, etc. It lasted about 18 months - right around the time I told her she would have to start paying for her 'goth' clothes she decided that being 'goth' was overrated. Honestly though, I think she just looked the part because the clothes at Hot Topic were so cute. LOL

[TravelingChris]

I would caution saying that he is goth just because he wears black. My dd likes black clothing though she does wear other colors. For a while, it was more black and less other. She was never goth and dislikes it. SHe just likes dramatic colors including red, black and white.

[woolybear]

I wasn't really goth, but sort of punk. Not extreme. Not in a lifestyle sense. It was in highschool and much more about clothes and hairstyle. I don't dress that way now, usually.:D

 

So, would I say I'm normal?:lol: Not sure, but I'm not punk anymore.

 

Is that reassuring?:) Don't worry, it sounds like it's more about style than lifestyle and I'm guessing he should be okay.

 

One other thought. What about his friends? How do they look, act, etc?

 

Woolybear

[lionfamily1999]

I did and I can pass for normal :lol:

 

Most kids figure out that they don't want to be the creepy older person that hangs out with high schoolers and they move on.

[Joanne]

I love the irony when kids try to distinguish themselves from "mainstream" only to adopt a homogenous look among chosen peers. :D

 

My kids are not "goth", the boys would probably self-identify more as "skater".

 

What I have done, and would do in your situation, is to find out the vernacular, music and extremes of your group. In the skater world foul language, angry music and stimulant drugs tend to be some of the risk influences. While I don't discourage the skater-culture, I am on the lookout for symtoms of the extreme.

 

I'd do the same for goth. I would allow changable cosmetic and appearance "self"expression, music within limits but I'd be on guard for issues of discouragement/depression that are clinical, "cutting", morose or self absorbed cognitive processing, creative writing that is "more" than a normal range of teen exploration of emotions and drugs that can be present in that group.

[Aoife]

Me :) I was Goth back in the 90's . We are talking black hair, shaved eyebrows, black eyeliner and combat boots :lol: I was more into industrial music and still am but to look at me back then I would have been labeled a "goth" Anywho I grew up just fine. Got married and had kids. Personally I don't think being "Goth", or "Punk" or any other subculture is bad but sometimes bad things can be associated with the group like drugs or something. As far as just being goth goes though I wouldn't be too worried. It is just a method of self expression and will most likely be gorwn out of :)

[WishboneDawn]

My soon to be 14 son has one foot in the goth world. I say one foot, because he is still reasonably social, dresses in a variety of color, but of course prefers black. We are not encouraging it.

 

 

You don't need to encourage it but make sure you don't become closed to it. I think kids turn to stuff like this when they feel they need to communicate something they can't through words. So they dress a part or let their music speak for them. So still be curious about it.

[Lovedtodeath]

I hung out with that crowd in high school and dressed very strangely. I was very depressed and having problems, seeing the school counselor...

 

My mom and dad pulled me from school and that is why I am a homeschooler today. Ta-da!

 

I thought my emotional problems were the fault of my mom, but getting me away from my friends through homeschooling is what caused improvement. Those friends can be a bad influence because in the process of being depressed and alternative they are also more likely to smoke or use/talk about drugs.

 

So my experience is that I did turn out okay... but I do know that it can be a bad influence.

[AuntieM]

...Pink Floyd, not so much, seeing as I am now the teacher who won't leave the kids alone, lol.

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[OhM]

I love the irony when kids try to distinguish themselves from "mainstream" only to adopt a homogenous look among chosen peers. :D

 

 

 

:lol: My favorite graffiti when I was at university was "Conform to nonconformity"

 

And you've received some great advice already - it doesn't sound like you intend to stomp on his self-expression, but no need to embrace and encourage it, either. And like a previous poster said - black clothing doesn't necessarily = "goth". (I still prefer black to colors. And at 42, my mom still gives me a hard time! I think I'm just color impaired, and everything matches black.:D)

 

I especially like the previous posters who mentioned keeping opportunities for expression and communication open. It's becoming harder and harder as I get older to identify with angst-filled teens, but I have vague memories of being that kid.

[Desert Rat]

Me! I look like a soccer mom now but I was very goth in the lat 80's. Safety pins in ears, white/black makeup, all black clothes, doom and gloom music (which I still love, BTW). My parents let me dress the way I wanted. They didn't like it, but knew I was rebelling against their standards and they knew that if they joined in that fight that it would only be worse. My dad only said, "You're really going out like that?" one time. :o By the time I was finishing my first year in college, I was transitioning out of goth. I still have lots of holes in my ears and still prefer black sometimes but I blend in nicely.

HTH

[Jean in Newcastle]

I

What I have done, and would do in your situation, is to find out the vernacular, music and extremes of your group. In the skater world foul language, angry music and stimulant drugs tend to be some of the risk influences. While I don't discourage the skater-culture, I am on the lookout for symtoms of the extreme.

 

I'd do the same for goth. I would allow changable cosmetic and appearance "self"expression, music within limits but I'd be on guard for issues of discouragement/depression that are clinical, "cutting", morose or self absorbed cognitive processing, creative writing that is "more" than a normal range of teen exploration of emotions and drugs that can be present in that group.

 

This is the real issue. Very well put, Joanne.

[Lovedtodeath]

This is the real issue. Very well put, Joanne.

:iagree:That is exactly what I was trying to say by sharing my experience. Cutting, along with suicide attempts, was also considered very cool in my group. I had a scar from a cat attack that I used to pass off as cutting my wrist. And as I mentioned before my depression cleared up when I was taken away from that group influence.

[Lovedtodeath]

 

Most kids figure out that they don't want to be the creepy older person that hangs out with high schoolers and they move on.

Is that what you did Julie? lol

[Macrina]

I was punk- goth's closest cousin. So was DH as a teen. We both turned out just fine....but still listen to punk and I kept my nose stud ;) Never did alcohol, drugs, partying and married as a virgin. It was a harmless self expression.

[Karen in CO]

I still have lots of holes in my ears and still prefer black sometimes but I blend in nicely.

HTH

:lol::iagree:

 

 

Goth is okay - but watch out for emo , according to my ds (when he was going through a goth phase) the emo kids dress weird. :D They're the ones with skinny black jeans, studded belts, hair over their eyes, and bright shirts. I think my ds finally looked for a new way to be different once he found the pictures of me dressed in black - trenchcoat and all. I told him that my generation invented that look. That was about the time he started wear fedoras (like my grandpa).

 

I would keep an ear on the music and decide on your feelings about explicit lyrics. And watch for general signs of depression which is very common in teens. It can be hard to spot a depressed teen among all the teens that just look gloomy on purpose.

[TxMama]

Well, my "goth" child just left for the Navy today. Does that count as turning out normal? :tongue_smilie:

 

Actually he went through so many stages that it was fun to watch who was going to come downstairs. My personal fav was when he looked like an Alaskan Fisherman.....thick beard with a thick knit cap and flannal shirt.

[Jenny in Atl]

:lol::iagree:

 

 

Goth is okay - but watch out for emo , according to my ds (when he was going through a goth phase) the emo kids dress weird. :D They're the ones with skinny black jeans, studded belts, hair over their eyes, and bright shirts.

 

Emo always makes me think of Green Day/fake top 40 pop punk/goth. I, along with the Sisters of Mercy, just shudder at the thought. :lol:

[kewb]

I came through it okay. I was probably more new wave then goth but it was definitely in the mix.

 

As long as you are keeping those lines of communication open your teen should be okay.

[Barb_]

My soon to be 14 son has one foot in the goth world. I say one foot, because he is still reasonably social, dresses in a variety of color, but of course prefers black. We are not encouraging it.

 

Do you know of anyone who has gone through this phase and outgrew it, and turned out normal?

 

One of my best mom friends when I was in my late 20's did the goth thing back in high school during the late 80's. She was a totally normal, loving, and highly intelligent mom...although she sported one or two regrettable tats.

 

Barb

[elizabeth]

To assume that negative behaviour follows from dressing "goth" is a leap in logic. I dressed in high school and college as a punk. I worked full time, attended all courses and achieved very good grades all while having very , very short cropped hair and wearing a dog collar around my neck. However, while in my "preppy," phase, a look deemed very conservative, in my early high school years I ran with a fast crowd, ignored my parents values and reputation in our city along with a complete repudiation of common sense. Ignore the clothes and pay attention to behaviour and peer group that is where the trouble is likely being brewed. This cannot be emphasized enough when you place your child in an environment where the primary influence is not the family then it is a crapshoot as to who they will follow. Sounds harsh but that is the reality. I suggest also reading Hang On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld for assistance in positively reconnecting to your daughter as a prime influence and relationship in her life.

[JFSinIL]

My DD went through a 'goth' stage when she was about 13. Wore the black clothes, dyed her hair black, etc. It lasted about 18 months - right around the time I told her she would have to start paying for her 'goth' clothes she decided that being 'goth' was overrated. Honestly though, I think she just looked the part because the clothes at Hot Topic were so cute. LOL

 

Yup - I have two girls who love Hot Topic now...and an 18-yr-old teen "boy" with loooong blonde hair like a Rock Star.

[Barb_]

Ignore the clothes and pay attention to behaviour and peer group that is where the trouble is likely being brewed. This cannot be emphasized enough when you place your child in an environment where the primary influence is not the family then it is a crapshoot as to who they will follow.

 

Good point, although habits of dress are often coupled with standards of behavior within a peer group. But as you pointed out, the stereotype doesn't always hold. I second your book recommendation, too. One of my favorites.

 

Barb

[justamouse]

I did the punk thing. Daughter loves Hot Topic. As long as it's not permanent I'm ok with it. Even blue hair (which I really wish I could wear myself). I'm ok some of the piercings, too.

 

Funny story?

 

She wanted a lip ring. I said no how no way. She started to battle me on it. Then, one day I was at the bank and the teller had a gorgeous lip ring-a gold spiral that was so dainty. I went home and said, you want one like that? Sure. I'll sign. Make the appointment.

 

That was last year and she still hasn't gotten it. Sometimes the breaking away and forming a separate identity is more the destination, not the vehicle. :D

[Night Elf]

My dd17 is not quite the same as her peers, but I can't label her. She's Claire and nothing else. Her boyfriend has face piercings, wears skinny jeans with safety pins on them, and has the coolest emo haircut. He also colors it himself. He is quite a lovely young man, very polite, soft-spoken, and has a great relationship with his mother and siblings. I hate when people judge him by his looks without even talking to him, let alone getting to know him. How unfortunate for them to be so close-minded. I'm more worried about the people that look normal but are quite disturbed mentally. They can be people you pass on the street, neighbors, and fellow church members.

 

I'm 42 and I'm about to get my hair colored red again, with dark purple ends. It's going to look so cool! Oh, and I have a tattoo. Oh horrors! :tongue_smilie:

[Critter]

Our twenty-three year old nephew dyes his hair black, wear lots of what I would call strange jewelry and clothing, and really loves dark ideas. So I guess maybe he is a goth. Having said that, I don't know anyone more responsible and loving than he is. His mother passed away a couple years ago, and before she died she asked him to finish raising his half-sister. He took on the job of parent and does a fantastic job of it. He also holds down a full-time job, owns a house, and is finishing up his degree in art. He may get lots of strange looks from people, but they don't know the whole story. I couldn't be prouder of him.

[lionfamily1999]

Is that what you did Julie? lol

:lol: I jumped ship before that could be an issue, besides grunge has never gone out, grunge is always in style :p

[Parrothead]

I"m with some of the others. I don't think that being Goth is necessarily bad.

[woolybear]

Sure. I'll sign. Make the appointment.

 

That was last year and she still hasn't gotten it. Sometimes the breaking away and forming a separate identity is more the destination, not the vehicle. :D

 

:iagree:Definitely want to stay connected and give dc less to rebel against. If it's okay with you, it actually might lose some of it's appeal.

 

Woolybear

[Denisemomof4]

My dd17 is not quite the same as her peers, but I can't label her. She's Claire and nothing else. Her boyfriend has face piercings, wears skinny jeans with safety pins on them, and has the coolest emo haircut. He also colors it himself. He is quite a lovely young man, very polite, soft-spoken, and has a great relationship with his mother and siblings. I hate when people judge him by his looks without even talking to him, let alone getting to know him. How unfortunate for them to be so close-minded. I'm more worried about the people that look normal but are quite disturbed mentally. They can be people you pass on the street, neighbors, and fellow church members.

 

I'm 42 and I'm about to get my hair colored red again, with dark purple ends. It's going to look so cool! Oh, and I have a tattoo. Oh horrors! :tongue_smilie:

 

BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

:hurray::hurray::hurray::hurray::hurray:

 

I know you all must be getting sick of me repeating my story, but oldest ds started PS in the 9th grade. I was a fool to let him start out looking like such a little clean cut kid who just got out of church. He wore pants and button down shirts to school and had a short haircut. Of course it made him a target to get picked on. BUT, the church LOVED him and wanted to use him as a role model to the other youth in the church because he was such a great kid ON THE INSIDE.

 

Well, ds learned QUICKLY to grow out his hair and dress more to blend in. Guess what? This may SHOCK THE PANTS OFF OF ALL OF YOU, but he's STILL that same GREAT KID on the inside! That part of him never changed! But the loving, mature, non-judgmental pastor and his loving, mature, non-judgmental wife made ds feel so bad about himself by their comments and treatment of him once his outer appearance changed that he turned his back on the church first, and then God. He regularly told me he saw more bad behavior in the church than he ever saw in public school.

 

SOOOOOOOOOOOO, I agree with you 100% and love and accept my son just as he is. If anyone else has an issue with him (not so much now that he's cut his hair some, but for those who judged him by his long hair - SHAME ON YOU!!!) then that's their problem and their LOSS. He's such a fantastic kid, and any adult who meets him and gets to know him is highly impressed. I take no responsibility for that or for his good looks.

 

Enjoy your new hairdo! :thumbup1:

[Mrs Mungo]

My youngest sister didn't like wearing anything but black from the time she was itty-bitty. She has pale, pale skin (from the Irish side) and straight black hair (from our Native American side), so she looked like a goth toddler. She is now a nurse and has a daughter who will wear nothing but pink.

 

There was a while when my husband would say "our kids will never have pink hair/wear that many earrings/whatever" but I think it's how they start finding themselves, how they rebel in small ways.

[HRAAB]

I have a dd who did the black thing, black hair. That morphed into pink, then green hair. After that it was a mohawk. She finally shaved her head at which point her dad literally hit the floor. I wish I had it on camera. She also has had several facial piercings. She also finished high school at 16, started college, worked three jobs to pay for school, car and insurance. She is a delightful, intelligent, polite young woman.

 

I would keep an eye on my child for signs of depression whether or not they were wearing black or coloring their hair, but I wouldn't read too much into wearing black.