Would this hurt your feelings?

[TammyinTN]

I sent my mother a Vera Wang perfume set for Christmas. It was a really nice gift, I thought. Today, I got it back as a birthday gift. I'm really stunned as I don't know what to think. Would your feelings be hurt. My daughters are insulted that she did this, I'm just shocked. :confused:

[Melinda in VT]

Are you sure it's the same one? Did she perchance buy you one?

[Snickerdoodle]

oops double post.

[Snickerdoodle]

No.

 

But if she had a history of being nasty then I might.

 

 

I'm sorry you felt hurt by this. It's not nice to be hurt by family.

[Orthodox6]

Are you sure that it is the same set ? Any chance that your mother liked the gift and, knowing that often people give gifts which they would like to have for themselves, give the same thing on a subsequent occasion?

 

To answer your question, if it is indeed the identical item which you wrapped and sent, yes, I would feel hurt. I would be wondering whether she even remembered that it was I who gave her the gift in the first place.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, it would hurt my feelings.

 

But in my case, my mom is in her mid-80's. If it was not normal behavior for her, I would wonder if there was an age-related problem starting.

[TammyinTN]

Are you sure it's the same one? Did she perchance buy you one?

 

It's the same one.

[Orthodox6]

Yes, it would hurt my feelings.

 

But in my case, my mom is in her mid-80's. If it was not normal behavior for her, I would wonder if there was an age-related problem starting.

 

I nearly offered that as a thought. My 86-yo mother has ever-increasing Alzheimers. I readily can envision her doing something like this.

[*********]

Are you sure that it is the same set ? Any chance that your mother liked the gift and, knowing that often people give gifts which they would like to have for themselves, give the same thing on a subsequent occasion?

 

To answer your question, if it is indeed the identical item which you wrapped and sent, yes, I would feel hurt. I would be wondering whether she even remembered that it was I who gave her the gift in the first place.

 

I'm with Orthodox6. Perhaps she loved the perfume so much, she wanted to get you one, too?

 

If it were my mom, I'd email her and just ask. I'd probably say something like 'Mom, is the perfume you sent me the same kind as I got you for Christmas?' That's a straightforward question.

[Cammie]

Totally would not and here is why. My mother spends lots of time selecting gifts for me. Most of the time she does great - but sometimes I don't totally love the gift. I will usually pack it away in my gift box to re-gift to someone. Well. my mom gave me a very expensive purse that was just not me. I in turn gave it as a gift to a close friend on her birthday. Mom was in town for Christmas. We all go out to Christmas brunch together and - of course - the friend is using the purse I gave her! She loved it! I was mortified. I knew my mother noticed and as soon as I had a second I apologized and explained it was just not me. My mom was cool about it.

 

So you know, these things happen. Maybe your mom forgot who gave it to her but though you would like it! I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt on this one!

[MelanieM]

If you know for sure it's the same one, then I'm guessing she is re-gifting and forgot that you were the one that originally gave it to her?

 

No, I wouldn't be hurt. I would probably call my mother up and make a joke of it. Unless I thought it was due to her failing health/memory and the joke would upset her... then I'd let it go without comment. But no, I would definitely not choose to be hurt.

[Harriet Vane]

Yes, it would hurt.

 

Having said that, though, I think of my own grandmother, who suffers now with dementia and who also spent many years of her life desperately poor. She carefully saved most gifts so that she could save money by regifting. The more senile she became the more she hoarded things for regifting.

[lionfamily1999]

I would be, deep down. I mean, she didn't even remember you had given it to her?!? Ouch. Then, I probably call and apologize for having given her a gift she obviously did not like. The odds are good she didn't regift it to you to let you know she didn't appreciate it, but at least this way we could clear the air without me saying things I would regret.

[kpupg]

I don't think I would be insulted ... more bemused, maybe. But then, I'm one of those hard-to-buy-for people ... I know I'm hard to please, too. So I've gotten an AWFUL lot of gifts that I just had no personal feeling for. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate the thought and the giver ... just that I'm not emotionally invested in the material item in question ... hope that makes sense.

 

To consider a twist on the situation, my MIL has given me the exact same gift on 3 different years (not consecutive years, thanks be to God LOL). The first time I received the item, I thought "oh, nice" and put it away and never touched it again ... again, nothing personal, just not my cup of tea ... the 2nd time I received the item, I felt a little miffed ... but the 3rd time, I just had to laugh out loud.

 

I guess I'm recommending the laughing part :)

 

Sympathies,

Karen

[TammyinTN]

I've decided to say nothing at all about it. I spent a great deal of time at Christmas picking out my parents gifts and they say very little about them..sometimes I wonder why I bother. Again, I'm going to sweep it under the rug and move on. ;) It's not worth the effort to get upset I guess.

[Remudamom]

What's more important, your mom or your feelings? I wouldn't risk hurting my mom over something so insignificant for anything in the world.

[jld]

Do you think you would feel comfortable talking to your mom about it? In a gentle way? Something along the lines of, "Mom, I would really like to get you something you would like for Christmas, but I think I need some ideas. Would there be anything special from here in Germany I could get you?"

 

And I'm sorry you're hurting.:grouphug:

[Susan in TN]

I've decided to say nothing at all about it. I spent a great deal of time at Christmas picking out my parents gifts and they say very little about them..sometimes I wonder why I bother. Again, I'm going to sweep it under the rug and move on. ;) It's not worth the effort to get upset I guess.

 

Yes - this is what hurts. My dd and I made some fabric Christmas things for my in-laws this year - pretty coasters (mil likes to drink tea) and tree decorations. Dd proudly gave her gift to them and they didn't say a thing. Mil actually gave a sort of grimacy "huh", and put them on the floor. Later I saw them stuffed into the magazine rack. To spare dd's feelings, I hid them away where she wouldn't notice their neglect.

[LauraGB]

Has it been used? Even just to spritz to see what it smelled like? Is that how you know for sure it is the same bottle? My first thought would be that she liked it so much, she decided I needed to have some, too. But if she just gave it back, I would need to what the deal was. I really don't think I could just let it go without knowing what she meant. Unless your mom has a history of doing things like that (mine doesn't). I would ask her if she hated it and what kind she does like so I know better next time, and then I'd probably go get some of the kind she likes and send it to her so I didn't feel like I didn't end up giving her a Christmas gift.

[Jenny in GA]

I think there was a whole Seinfeld episode about this kind of thing ...

 

It might hurt my feelings initially, but as I am getting older, I'm getting a little better at not getting hung up on little things like that, and devote my energy to other things.

[WishboneDawn]

I'd probably be a bit hurt but then get over it. I might worry a bit about it in terms of my mom's memory but the most likely thing I'd do would be to call up Mom and tell her what she'd done and then go on to joke that next Christmas I'm buying her sapphire earrings because I think I'd look stunning in them. :D

 

Seriously, this kind of thing has so many possible explanation that involve no hurtful or thoughtless intentions that I'd brush it off pretty fast by assuming the best - unless there was some history of this kind of thing. And the I'd do my best to make it into a family joke that I could drag out to embarrass my mother with every single Christmas.

[Parrothead]

If it came from my mom I'd wonder more about her mental health. It is just not something my mother would do.

[SonshineLearner]

How old is your mom?? I'm thinking perhaps it's a bad memory coming into play. It would hurt my feelings... but if I thought... "bad memory" then maybe not.

 

Sorry!!

[Daisy]

If it came from my mom I'd wonder more about her mental health. It is just not something my mother would do.

 

Same here. I would worry about it.

 

However, if Mom is by nature MEAN, I'd be hurt, wouldn't say anything, and would stuff it down. Hmm, that sounds rather unhealthy but still better than confronting Mom about her meanness, imo.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry. That had to be a huge disappointment.

[IdahoHomeschooler]

Well, my first thought on reading this was, "Oh, that is too funny!" So I would probably laugh and totally call her on regifting. But, I typically find humor in these things, and don't get my feelings hurt easily at all. You may have given your mother a very nice gift, and she may have very much appreciated that fact. However, perfume is a *very* personal item for some people, and she may have felt no use for it because it wasn't *her* perfume, you know? She may have forgot that you got it for her, because often I think, at least in my family, once you get old enough to not really need things anymore and you become harder to buy for, the gifts start getting more useless and generic. She may have ended up with a pile of gifts that she was thankful for but couldn't quite see herself using.

 

I guess unless she is an otherwise toxic family member, I would have to laugh this off for the "oops" that this was, and not read anything further into it.

[Guest Katia]

Yes - this is what hurts. My dd and I made some fabric Christmas things for my in-laws this year - pretty coasters (mil likes to drink tea) and tree decorations. Dd proudly gave her gift to them and they didn't say a thing. Mil actually gave a sort of grimacy "huh", and put them on the floor. Later I saw them stuffed into the magazine rack. To spare dd's feelings, I hid them away where she wouldn't notice their neglect.

 

Now, see, I just don't understand this kind of attitude by a grandparent at.all. It just doesn't make sense to me. My youngest dd, when she was younger, used to make the most horrendous necklaces for my mom for Christmas. Mom would "ohhh" and "ahhhh" over them, wear them all day along and even out to eat. Proudly. Then she would hang them beside her bedroom mirror where she "could see them everyday and remember how much gdd loves me".

 

And when my oldest was little, I remember he made placemats for the grandparents from Christmas wrapping paper. The inlaws disposed of theirs very quickly, but 23 years later, my dad still uses them....keeps them on his table all the time....because he loves his grandchildren.

 

As to the original post, I have to be honest. If my mom had given the gift back to me, I would have laughed (she was a wonderful woman but so scatter-brained). I might even have saved it to give back to her at Christmas the next year, as a running joke gift, and waited to receive it back again on my birthday. What family fun!

 

The honest part: if it had been my mil that had given it back to me, I would have been furious! I don't like my mil and she has a mean streak that way....covers it up with a sugary, syrupy-sweet attitude. Yuck. One year she sent a box full of gifts for my dh (expensive, personal items), and I got........wait for it.......a small bottle of hand-sanitizer with the $3.00 tag still attached. Yep. That's what I'm worth to her.

 

Anyhow, with mil, I would have sent the gift to her dd!! But, no, I loved my mom too much to ever feel hurt over a re-gift error.

[SquirrellyMama]

What's more important, your mom or your feelings? I wouldn't risk hurting my mom over something so insignificant for anything in the world.

 

:iagree:

[elfgivas]

 

I guess I'm recommending the laughing part :)

 

Sympathies,

Karen

 

 

:iagree:

 

if you have an open relationship with your mother, then i'd call and tease her about it. i'd tell her how much i love that perfume.... and i'd promise not to get it for her again.... and then i'd say, "no, wait, i will.... every christmas! its an awesome birthday gift." and we'd all have a good laugh, and that would be the end of that.

 

if not, then i'd let it go....

 

:grouphug:

ann

[lionfamily1999]

Same here. I would worry about it.

 

However, if Mom is by nature MEAN, I'd be hurt, wouldn't say anything, and would stuff it down. Hmm, that sounds rather unhealthy but still better than confronting Mom about her meanness, imo.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry. That had to be a huge disappointment.

That's where I'm coming from, except I've started finding ways to confront the rudeness while managing to keep some of my self-respect. My mom can find just about anything offensive. If it was us in this scenerio, then I'd assume it was done on purpose (because it sounds like something she would do), assume I had done something "wrong" by giving it to her, and head her off at the pass with an apology.

 

if you have an open relationship with your mother, then i'd call and tease her about it. i'd tell her how much i love that perfume.... and i'd promise not to get it for her again.... and then i'd say, "no, wait, i will.... every christmas! its an awesome birthday gift." and we'd all have a good laugh, and that would be the end of that.

 

if not, then i'd let it go....

 

:grouphug:

ann

Lol, or the op could just regift it to her mom on the next holiday :lol: sans conversation.

[melissel]

If it came from my mom I'd wonder more about her mental health. It is just not something my mother would do.

 

I was thinking the same thing. I also remember seeing this sort of thing in a checklist of symptoms for narcissistic behavior, so if your mom seems to run that way, personality-wise, you might just chalk it up to that. If you don't think it's either of these things, then just try to laugh it off :grouphug:

[TammyinTN]

That's just it...they have mistreated me and my family. Our girls care nothing of ever seeing them again. I have covered for years. They ran my sister off for years and shes just returned into the picture. I haven't been to the US in 5 years and they are the reason why. It just hurts.

[JudoMom]

That's just it...they have mistreated me and my family. Our girls care nothing of ever seeing them again. I have covered for years. They ran my sister off for years and shes just returned into the picture. I haven't been to the US in 5 years and they are the reason why. It just hurts.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[melissel]

That's just it...they have mistreated me and my family. Our girls care nothing of ever seeing them again. I have covered for years. They ran my sister off for years and shes just returned into the picture. I haven't been to the US in 5 years and they are the reason why. It just hurts.

 

Then I commend you on still working so hard to find a thoughtful gift, and I offer a big, fat "PPPPBBBBLLLLLLTTTT" in their general direction on your behalf :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

ETA: Also, please remember that people who treat others, and particularly their own children, in such a manner are the ones with the major, major problems. It's not you, it's them. Try not to let it bother you, because the ugly reflection is theirs.

[Catwoman]

Also, please remember that people who treat others, and particularly their own children, in such a manner are the ones with the major, major problems. It's not you, it's them. Try not to let it bother you, because the ugly reflection is theirs.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

I'm so sorry your mom did that to you -- I think it's just awful! Perhaps you should hold on to the perfume set and give it back to her for her birthday... :sneaky2:

 

Hey, it would serve her right, and would also save you the trouble of shopping for another gift for her. Clearly, she doesn't appreciate your efforts, so why bother going out of your way next time?

 

Cat

[WishboneDawn]

That's just it...they have mistreated me and my family. Our girls care nothing of ever seeing them again. I have covered for years. They ran my sister off for years and shes just returned into the picture. I haven't been to the US in 5 years and they are the reason why. It just hurts.

 

Ah. I think I'd stop the presents then and stick to cards. No reason to open yourself to that kind of hurt.

:grouphug:

[hornblower]

That's just it...they have mistreated me and my family. Our girls care nothing of ever seeing them again. I have covered for years. They ran my sister off for years and shes just returned into the picture. I haven't been to the US in 5 years and they are the reason why. It just hurts.

 

:grouphug:

 

Have you read Toxic Parents?

[Desert Rat]

Tammy, I admire your outlook. I too, would be hurt at first. I think I would let it go as well. It was a nice gift (after all, you picked it out!) and it was nice that she remembered your birthday. Of course, I would have to say that over and over in my head about 10,000 times but eventually, it would sink in. ;)

[Mom2absh]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry, Tammy. I understand your pain - I have a toxic parent, too, and no matter what I do, my efforts are twisted and not accepted as intended.

 

Quite honestly, I would enjoy the perfume for myself, and never send her anything again. That would be the LAST time I opened myself up to hurt from her in that way. Cards on the appropriate holidays would be enough to fulfill my family duty.

 

Here's more hugs, :grouphug::grouphug: because it's so hard to have a parent who is so hurtful :(

 

J

[kalanamak]

I sent my mother a Vera Wang perfume set for Christmas. It was a really nice gift, I thought. Today, I got it back as a birthday gift. I'm really stunned as I don't know what to think. Would your feelings be hurt. My daughters are insulted that she did this, I'm just shocked. :confused:

 

If she is chronically gauche, I wouldn't bother to be offended. If she isn't, I would wonder if her memory is slipping....

[aggieamy]

That's just it...they have mistreated me and my family. Our girls care nothing of ever seeing them again. I have covered for years. They ran my sister off for years and shes just returned into the picture. I haven't been to the US in 5 years and they are the reason why. It just hurts.

 

Ah. I think I'd stop the presents then and stick to cards. No reason to open yourself to that kind of hurt.

:grouphug:

 

Gonna have to agree with Dawn here. It doesn't sound like it's a relationship you need to put a great deal of energy or thought into. :grouphug:

 

Now, see, I just don't understand this kind of attitude by a grandparent at.all. It just doesn't make sense to me. My youngest dd, when she was younger, used to make the most horrendous necklaces for my mom for Christmas. Mom would "ohhh" and "ahhhh" over them, wear them all day along and even out to eat. Proudly. Then she would hang them beside her bedroom mirror where she "could see them everyday and remember how much gdd loves me".

 

And when my oldest was little, I remember he made placemats for the grandparents from Christmas wrapping paper. The inlaws disposed of theirs very quickly, but 23 years later, my dad still uses them....keeps them on his table all the time....because he loves his grandchildren.

 

 

 

I have grandparents and a dad that are thoughtful like that and it makes me feel so loved. There's a placemat I made for my grandmother when I was maybe 8 or 9 and my grandmother still has it and uses it. I can't tell you how awesome that makes me feel when I have dinner over there and see it. I hope to remember to do that when I'm a grandparent myself.

[Miss Sherry]

That's just it...they have mistreated me and my family. Our girls care nothing of ever seeing them again. I have covered for years. They ran my sister off for years and shes just returned into the picture. I haven't been to the US in 5 years and they are the reason why. It just hurts.

If this is someone that really does not give a present in the spirit of giving then I think you should stop sending gifts and just send a card, if you are so inclined. Another option is to resend the perfume again. :lol: But I am feeling a little ornery at the thought that someone might have willingly regifted something back to the same person, but hopefully that is not what happened. :D

[kalanamak]

That's just it...they have mistreated me and my family. Our girls care nothing of ever seeing them again. I have covered for years. They ran my sister off for years and shes just returned into the picture. I haven't been to the US in 5 years and they are the reason why. It just hurts.

 

:grouphug: I'm so sorry. I think what would hurt me the most is how LITTLE it really takes to be polite and a bit thoughtful. Even if GM doesn't want to be really involved with family, geez, a polite weekend every couple of years is so.....little.

[Susan in TN]

Then I commend you on still working so hard to find a thoughtful gift, and I offer a big, fat "PPPPBBBBLLLLLLTTTT" in their general direction on your behalf :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

 

 

And throw in a loud "Your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of ELDERBERRIES! :glare:

 

Hand sanitizer? Honestly. They were trying to be mean. It would have been nicer to leave you out entirely.

[FlockOfSillies]

"Chronically gauche" -- LOVE IT!

[Tree House Academy]

I've decided to say nothing at all about it. I spent a great deal of time at Christmas picking out my parents gifts and they say very little about them..sometimes I wonder why I bother. Again, I'm going to sweep it under the rug and move on. ;) It's not worth the effort to get upset I guess.

 

Do you speak to your mom? I mean, I talk to my mom daily and I can't even imagine the "thank you." "Hey mom...got the birthday gift today. Since I bought it for you, I appreciate it. I guess." :confused:

 

My mom is still pretty young and does not have alzheimers or dementia, though. My MIL, on the other hand, does...and I could totally see her forgetting that *I* gave her that and sending it to me as a re-gift. In that case, I would just have to chuckle and move on.