This is not a slam the grandparents thread..

[mooooom]

honestly, I love my parents. And they are crazy about the kids and are always trying to plan special things for them. It's just that every single time in ends up in a horrible timing conflict since they have gotten older.

 

They like to plan special trips with the kids. They like to set the dates MONTHS in advance, well before anything else is on my calendar. So that I have to tell them the calendar is empty and write them in. Then I just wait for the trouble to start.

 

Last fall, they planned a weekend on the Cape. It ended up conflicting with the PSAT date, so I was the bad guy and cancelled. Now they've planned a Washington DC trip, and the homeschool prom date just came out. You guessed it. Same weekend. My dd is in tears. She has been waiting for three years to be old enough to go (some of her friends parents let them go when they were younger than they were supposed to be.)

 

What am I supposed to do?

 

My mom is not doing really well with the idea that they are teenagers now and have other things that they would rather do sometimes than do stuff with them. So this won't make it any easier.

 

Obviously, my dd is going to have to suck it up and not go to the prom, but I feel really badly for her (I remember being her age). Does this happen to other people? Should I just not allow them to write themselves into our calendar months in advance anymore? Am I way off base for feeling badly for my dd, when she is going off for a free trip to the capital?

[chaik76]

I wouldn't schedule that far in advance, or I would tell them that if something comes up you might have to cancel.

Is this your daughter's only chance to go to Prom? Or will she be able to go next year too? Because if this is her only chance, I would probably let her go.

 

Now, my children are younger than yours, so I am basing this on my experiences as a teen and watching what my family did, in addition to dealing with my in-laws...who are wonderful people but big schedulers. I finally told them to call me a week before they wanted to do something, for a bigger thing maybe two weeks or so...but months in advance just doesn't work out for us. I can't guarantee that my kids will be able to go.

[LMA]

honestly, I love my parents. And they are crazy about the kids and are always trying to plan special things for them. It's just that every single time in ends up in a horrible timing conflict since they have gotten older.

 

They like to plan special trips with the kids. They like to set the dates MONTHS in advance, well before anything else is on my calendar. So that I have to tell them the calendar is empty and write them in. Then I just wait for the trouble to start.

 

Last fall, they planned a weekend on the Cape. It ended up conflicting with the PSAT date, so I was the bad guy and cancelled. Now they've planned a Washington DC trip, and the homeschool prom date just came out. You guessed it. Same weekend. My dd is in tears. She has been waiting for three years to be old enough to go (some of her friends parents let them go when they were younger than they were supposed to be.)

 

What am I supposed to do?

 

My mom is not doing really well with the idea that they are teenagers now and have other things that they would rather do sometimes than do stuff with them. So this won't make it any easier.

 

Obviously, my dd is going to have to suck it up and not go to the prom, but I feel really badly for her (I remember being her age). Does this happen to other people? Should I just not allow them to write themselves into our calendar months in advance anymore? Am I way off base for feeling badly for my dd, when she is going off for a free trip to the capital?

 

Why does dd have to suck it up and not go? Can the trip not be rescheduled? I would never plan that far in advance unless it is an out-of-country trip.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Ask them to see if they can reschedule it. If there is a small fee for rescheduling (and usually there isn't if it is still far enough ahead) then offer to pay it.

[RoughCollie]

If I were you, I would not agree to put items on my calendar that far in advance. You have a family, and things come up that will interfere with plan made long ago. You do not have enough information about what your family needs to do to be planning things so far in advance.

 

Just say no! Don't pencil anything in. Don't cause a fuss. Just figure out how early you can easily plan things in advance, and tell your parents.

 

If you decide you cannot plan more than a month in advance, your parents will have to live with that. They can't force you to put items on your calendar or to agree to anything about your family's plans. Personally, when my Mom has a problem in similar situations, I do not take ownership of the problem.

[Angel]

I think it's really cool that your parents want to take the kids places! My kids visit my parents for a week every 6-8 weeks. You just never know how long you (and the kids) will have with them.

 

That said, IF your dd can't go to the prom next year, I would keep her home and let her go to the prom and let the other kids go with grandma and grandpa.

 

My mom is feeling the teenager thing too. It's hard because dd is now involved in a few things and we have to work visits to them around her schedule. We do the best we can and when they are here or the kids go there we do what she wants. Again, I want my kids to have those memories and my parents aren't getting any younger.

[Mom0012]

What about explaining the situation and asking them to switch their trip to the following weekend? I wouldn't think that would be hard for them to do this far in advance.

 

Lisa

[happi duck]

I've been on the receiving end of being penciled-in and bumped when something else came along. It hurt. A lot.

 

If you can't commit to these trips and say "no matter what comes up this is the date for the trip" then don't make the plans in the first place. It's your calendar and you can say that making plans that far out doesn't work for you. The grandparents might need to settle for day trips or nearby overnights that are planned two weeks in advance. Personally, I'd rather hear that than get 'bumped'.

[LibraryLover]

"We cant make the 12th, but we can make the 13th. Let us know if that works for you". Leave it there. No explaining. Let them decide if that works for them. If they say it doesn't say "Oh well".

 

The end.

[JoyfulMama]

I completely understand the planning in advance. I myself like to plan in advance. I called my ds's godparents to see if they would want to tentatively put a special day with him on their calendar for May - yes, May. I know it gets to be a busy month for them (as she is a teacher and coach), and I have an baby shower in their town which the girls and I need to be at. I thought it might work out to be a special day for them, if it can be worked out. But it's not set in stone on the calendar. We are all hopeful.

 

Does the trip have to be cancelled just because ONE child cannot go? If the trip cannot be rescheduled, or if they would prefer not to reschedule, then I see no reason why the trip could not be done with just one less child. Not the perfect picture they had in their head, maybe, but it could still be a wonderful trip.

[mooooom]

In this case, the trip did need to be planned in advance, as my mom had to write her rep to get permission for a visit to the White House well in advance. And dd knows that she has to go, and that she can go to the prom next year.

 

I think from now on though, I just will have to tell them we can't commit more than a week or two in advance. It's hard to pass up opportunities they offer that I can't give the kids, but they are getting too old to be making those decisions for them, and I know that they need more time with their friends than they are getting already.

 

I love my parents and understand where they are coming from, but the clingy stuff kind of makes me want to run - and it's not even me they are trying to cling to.

[Halftime Hope]

our prom date has been set in stone since September when the co-op leaders signed the contract with the hotel for the ballroom. January is really, really late to set the date unless you are talking about something much more "casual" regarding the location. At least that's the vibe I've gotten for scheduling other large events.

 

For future proms, can the date be set in stone earlier? Wouldn't that helpful to all the families involved?

[Harriet Vane]

In this case, the trip did need to be planned in advance, as my mom had to write her rep to get permission for a visit to the White House well in advance. And dd knows that she has to go, and that she can go to the prom next year.

 

I think from now on though, I just will have to tell them we can't commit more than a week or two in advance. It's hard to pass up opportunities they offer that I can't give the kids, but they are getting too old to be making those decisions for them, and I know that they need more time with their friends than they are getting already.

 

I love my parents and understand where they are coming from, but the clingy stuff kind of makes me want to run - and it's not even me they are trying to cling to.

 

A week or two notice isn't much for planning a big trip. I would personally find this difficult to work with.

 

I think a 3-6 month window is reasonable. If it's a vacation (multiple overnights) then six months notice seems prudent. If it's a day trip here or there then you are reasonable to say that three months advance notice is really the limit on what you can offer them.

[abbeyej]

Dh has had to tell his parents firmly and repeatedly, "I can't make plans more than 3 months out." He's got conferences and talks and things that come up, and he just *can't* make plans with them as far out as they would like. "I won't know my summer schedule until ___. Sure, we can do ___, but you'll have to wait till then to work out the dates with us."

 

Perhaps your parents need that sort of firm rule too? "We're delighted about the idea of going to ___ in _[month]_, but we can't finalize the dates until after I confirm the dates for things the kids have coming up. Let's talk about this in _[reasonable-planning-month]_"

 

Over and over and over...

[Impish]

I just wonder if your dd will hate every moment of the trip, and resent her grandparents for having to miss the prom.

[LibraryLover]

There is plenty in DC to do with going to the White House. Plenty. The WHite is boring compared to say Mount Vernon, or Ford's Theater. imo. Why can't they head out the day after the prom?

 

What is a good heads up for a trip? One week? One Month? A year?

 

As for the Cape weekend....the test is in the morning, head out afterwards. PSAT test date are posted months and months in advance.

[Heather in WI]

I just wonder if your dd will hate every moment of the trip, and resent her grandparents for having to miss the prom.

 

You never know what the future holds. Maybe, for the rest of her life, she will be glad she chose to go on the trip.

[LibraryLover]

I just wonder if your dd will hate every moment of the trip, and resent her grandparents for having to miss the prom.

 

I am getting strong vibes that the OP & the grandparents don't really get along, although it seems like a quiet anger; nothing dangerous that is going to burst into flames and cause a huge rift. More of a marked and nagging annoyance. 'Clingy' used to describe wanting to spend time with the kids on fun and short getaways? There is lack of communication, as any rate, even if my spidey senses are off on the relationship issues. It looks like we're taking about 2 weeknds a year, and there are like ;) 50 other weekends in a year for kids to hang out with teenage friends. And homeschoolers can even get together during the week! lol

 

OTOH, if your kids are done with going away with their grandparents at all, that needs to said. Otherwise the gp are going to think they can plan trips.

 

As someone who has planned many family vacations, from long ones, to one and two day ones, the two week notice thing can be very difficult. Finding a hotel on such short notice for certain weekends in certain areas is not always possible. Tickets for certain productions sell out nearly immediately etc. I recently worked hard to fnd a rental house for Chrstmas/New Year 2010/11 at a FL resort. Most of the partcular situations (we are a large group of people!) I wanted were already booked! and !that's nearly a year away! I lucked out, finally.

 

In no way do I think my fathers offer to take the kids (well, our whole family, plus my bother, and my sisters and their families) to a resort and plan that well in advance is 'clingy'. My kids know where they will be those days, and that's with us. Of course, they are quite excited. But still, I would think them spoiled rotten if they backed out of something their grandfather planned a year in advance. He's not 65 anymore and what he wants to do is spend time with his granchildren and watch them have a good time.

 

Grandparents can get nothing right. (They are like mothers lol)

Edited February 7, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Angel]

and I know that they need more time with their friends than they are getting already.

 

.

 

I guess I don't understand :confused: Your kids will have plenty of time for friends, they are young. Time with loving grandparents is time that they will not be able to get back. Grandparents who don't care don't make the effort to spend time with (and money on) their grandchildren.

[LibraryLover]

I guess I don't understand :confused: Your kids will have plenty of time for friends, they are young. Time with loving grandparents is time that they will not be able to get back. Grandparents who don't care don't make the effort to spend time (and money on) with their grandchildren.

:iagree: I agree. That's the main reason I think there is a relationship 'glitch' here.

[Dobela]

I guess I don't understand :confused: Your kids will have plenty of time for friends, they are young. Time with loving grandparents is time that they will not be able to get back. Grandparents who don't care don't make the effort to spend time with (and money on) their grandchildren.

I agree. How I wish now that I had chosen to go on more trips with my grandparents when I was younger.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am getting strong vibes that the OP & the grandparents don't really get along, although it seems like a quiet anger; nothing dangerous that is going to burst into flames and cause a huge rift. More of a marked and nagging annoyance. 'Clingy' used to describe wanting to spend time with the kids on fun and short getaways? There is lack of communication, as any rate, even if my spidey senses are off on the relationship issues. It looks like we're taking about 2 weeknds a year, and there are like ;) 50 other weekends in a year for kids to hang out with teenage friends. And homeschoolers can even get together during the week! lol

 

OTOH, if your kids are done with going away with their grandparents at all, that needs to said. Otherwise the gp are going to think they can plan trips.

 

As someone who has panned many family vacations, from long ones, to one and two day ones, the two week notice thing is very difficult. Finding a hotel on such short notice for certain weekends in certain areas is not possible. Tickets for certain productions sell out nearly immediately etc. I recently worked really hard to fnd a rental house for Chrstmas/New Year 2010/11 at a FL resort. Most of the partcular situtions (we are a large group of people!) I wanted were already booked! and !that's nearly a year away! I lucked out, finally.

 

In no way do I think my fathers offer to take the kids (well our whole family, plus my bother, and my sisters and their families) to a resort and plan that well in advance is 'clingy'. My kids know where they will be those days, and that's with us. Of course, the are quite excited. But still, I would think them spoiled rotten if they backed out of something their grandfather planned a year in advance. He's not 65 anymore and what he wants to do is spend time with his granchildren and watch them have a good time.

 

Grandparents can get nothing right. (They are like mothers lol)

 

:iagree: Total agreement with you here. My relational spidey sense was tingling too.:)

 

Bottom line - you can set boundaries that you and your family want. But if you don't set those boundaries it seems a bit unfair to criticize loving family members for wanting to further ties that are so much more lasting than those of friends.

 

Kids are going to pick up on your priorities too. If you value time with loving older family members who sound extremely generous (they actually set up a visit to the White House for your kids - how special is that!) then they will too. If you don't - well, neither will they.

[LibraryLover]

Kids are going to pick up on your priorities too. If you value time with loving older family members who sound extremely generous (they actually set up a visit to the White House for your kids - how special is that!) then they will too. If you don't - well, neither will they.

 

You, know, you're right! I personally might not think the White House is the coolest thing, lol, but the fact that they took the time to write and plan so they could share this their gchildren says lot about them as people. This isn't, "Hey let's go get an ice cream cone" (which plenty of grandparents couldn't be bothered to do), it's a well thought-out plan to offer their home-schooled grandchildren worthwhile experiences. I can't imagine not trying to make this work. Have the kids ever been to DC?

[Truscifi]

I don't understand why planning trips for their grandkids with your permission is clingy. How often do they plan these trips? Do the kids not enjoy going on them? Is there some other reason beside a scheduling conflict that you or the kids wouldn't want to go on a trip with them?

 

It sounds like you and/or your kids are prioritizing everything else over time with your parents. You may have a good reason for this, but please keep in mind that they will not be around forever.

[jujsky]

I understand where you're coming from, and I'm not judging you, but I think I'm the opposite of you. I actually LIKE having things planned months in advance. If something like that was offered only a week or two before the event, chances are pretty good that we wouldn't be able to go because our calendar would already be full. If something is offered months in advance then I would be able to plan everything else around it. If I knew, for example, that something like that homeschool prom was happening around a certain time, but I didn't have an exact date, I would probably just block out the few possible weekends around that and tell the grandparents to plan to do it before or after those possible weekends.

 

I'm sorry your DD has to miss prom, but I'm glad she'll have another chance next year :001_smile:

[myfatherslily]

This doesn't seem like it's an issue of the D.C. trip, but rather an ongoing frustration. I completely understand how, even in the best of relationships, there are small conflicts or simple personality differences that are difficult to work out.

 

Perhaps there is a subtle air of guilt placed on the OP (by the grandparents) when she does have to cancel. Maybe it's something else. But there is nothing wrong with trying to find a way to work it out.

[AuntieM]

Just agreeing with those that say not to schedule so far in advance. Either that, or ask your folks to plan future events over known break times (or us that would be the summer, because we know camp dates FAR in advance because the camps always look for their money early!).

 

ETA: Okay, I do see from other posts an excellent point about some accommodations being hard to come by unless requested well in advance. That noted, I still think you could give them guidelines for what general times are good. For example, in the school years (even for homeschoolers), March through May are just crazy with activities. Early January/February, not so much. Summer activities don't usually take the WHOLE summer. Just really talk through the date planning next time, then you'll have to let other chips fall where they may. The one thing that would be hard to deal with would be if G&G decided on dates with no consideration at all for your preferences.

Edited February 7, 2010 by AuntieM

[smrtmama]

Honestly, I'm not sure how things like the prom and the PSAT can sneak up on you. Even if you don't know the exact date, surely you know the month or at least a rough time of year that they happen. If your parents want to plan trips in advance, which frankly, you should be grateful for (more warning, better ability to plan fun events), let them know things like "We know prom happens some time in March, so can you either allow for a little flexibility in the plans or make sure to plan before or after?"

[Murphy101]

I am very different from you. I'd love their consideration and notice.

The Psat and annual prom are always well known dates many months in advance. The Psat is listed at least 6 months in advance. Prom at least 3 months, and it is always the same month, so I'd certainly have a ballpark idea of when they are every year.

 

If I said we'd do it, then we'd do it barring sickness or something like that.

If I knew something was that month, but didn't have an exact date or there was some other consideration that prevented me from being able to solidly commit yet - I'd let them know when I could.

 

Personally, if I don't get several months notice, my calendar is full. Between really needing to put in time on homeschooling during the day and various extracurriculiar, plus church/family obligations, there's only so much time left.

 

I have the opposite problem as you, my in-laws want to just call Thrsday and say they are picking up the kid (never more than 1) Friday for an over nighter. They get really ticked when I say that won't work for us bc we've made plans either as a family or for that child. Yet, they don't have any problem saying they will be there a certain day and go shopping or whatever instead. They completely expect that we will rearrange our calendar for them and I refuse to do it bc far too often my kids are left hanging feeling hurt and missing things they could have done instead waiting for grandparents. Now the kids are getting older and they ae starting to decide they'd rather go do whatever, or dh is deciding he'd rather they do this with us instead and the g&g are claiming hurt feelings.

[Brilliant]

...

I think from now on though, I just will have to tell them we can't commit more than a week or two in advance.

 

That's not reasonable. We travel a lot, and we know other people who do, also. And it would be extremely difficult to plan any kind of special trip with only 1 week notice, or even 2.

Edited February 7, 2010 by OC Mom

[cin]

I would evaluate the relationship between your daughter and her grandparents. I am one who would have preferred to go to the prom over spending time with my family. But my family is not remembered fondly. :tongue_smilie:

 

Prom only happens twice in a girls' life. DC will always be there. And forcing her to miss a prom is something on which I would tread lightly. I know all families are different. But this is VERY special for girls. At least it was when I was in high school.

[chaik76]

That's not reasonable. We travel a lot, and we know other people who do, also. And it would be extremely difficult to plan any kind of special trip with only 1 week notice, or even 2.

 

 

 

 

We plan trips with one or two weeks notice all the time...in fact, I don't plan any other kind! I just don't commit to things that are months and months away (except Thanksgiving and Christmas), because I can't. I can't tell if I'm going to be having a good or a bad week or month (I have a chronic illness)...I don't know what's going to come up at that time, etc.

We've had good luck planning things in the short term. Now...I understand that if, say, I was going overseas or something, I would need to plan farther in advance. But I literally just decided to go to Ky and Tn this next week. No problem...that's what we're doing. I think it totally depends on personality type...the way I do travel would probably drive you bonkers...the way you do travel would drive me bonkers!

[LibraryLover]

This is something very important to consider. Do your children, your dd in-particular, even feel comfortable with these grandparents?

 

Is there something she is trying to tell you?

 

I would evaluate the relationship between your daughter and her grandparents But my family is not remembered fondly. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

[tex-mex]

If I were you, I would not agree to put items on my calendar that far in advance. You have a family, and things come up that will interfere with plan made long ago. You do not have enough information about what your family needs to do to be planning things so far in advance.

 

Just say no! Don't pencil anything in. Don't cause a fuss. Just figure out how early you can easily plan things in advance, and tell your parents.

 

If you decide you cannot plan more than a month in advance, your parents will have to live with that. They can't force you to put items on your calendar or to agree to anything about your family's plans. Personally, when my Mom has a problem in similar situations, I do not take ownership of the problem.

 

:iagree: My MIL does the same thing -- only we drive her batty by not giving in 'til 2-3 weeks before we know it is doable. Take Christmas at her house or a week at their lake house in July, for example. For Christmas, she wanted us to agree in October we would be arriving on a certain date. We told her we had no clue and to wait til we got closer to Dec. MIL had no choice but to agree. I love my in-laws but refuse to be controlled by someone.

 

You need to put your foot down and in a loving manner -- but to deny your ds a prom is horrible. Tell grandma to reschedule.

 

P.S. My uncle treats his family & grandkids to a vacation -- in the summer or on school vacations. They go skiing or to the Bahamas. Works well when you plan it 'round the school calendar. Maybe give a copy to grandparents?

Edited February 7, 2010 by tex-mex

[mooooom]

to be turned into something so insidious as I have issues with my parents or my kids don't like them, or none of us respect or appreciate them. That actually hurt my feelings.

 

Apparently I've flunked as a mother because the PSAT date wasn't on my calendar 6 months in advance, or because our homeschool prom wasn't announced until last week... I do the best I can.

 

I also don't think it is disrespectful to call my mother "clingy" if that is the way she is behaving. Doesn't mean I don't understand why she does it. But kids grow up and that is a fact.

 

My parents have done worlds for our kids and all of us appreciate it immensely but lately they just seem to have bad timing, like the friend that manages to always calls when you have just sat down for dinner. That was mostly what I was bemoaning.

 

I appreciate the people who actually have teenagers and understood where I was coming from.

[LibraryLover]

I have 3 teenagers (well, 2, one is over 20, so technically a young adult), and I do think there is a bit of an issue here with your parents. You called your mother 'clingy'. Using such a word means the relationship is not quite right, right? I used my dad taking us all on vacation as an example. It's a year away and we're planning it. We are all blocking out our calendars. If someone can't come in the end, they can't come, but we aren't going to change the dates-- we can't. I certainly don't see this vacation as him acting 'clingy'.

 

Why can't they leave the day after the prom? What can't they leave after the PSAT? Strangers on the internet will speculate on your motives and the motives of your parents when a topic of this nature is discussed.

 

It all sounds so heartless... you, or your mother, forcing your daughter to give up a beloved prom. I would certainly not break my daughter's heart, and I would say to my mother, "Mom, leave the next day. She's got the prom that night" and my mother would say , "OK". It doesn't look like plane tickets are involved , and since you're in New England you're looking at Shuttle Flights, which are all day long. White House tickets don't have to be used on a particular day (ETD-- looks like that has changed. So skip the White House and do Everything Else). Unless they changed that; they are like Captial Tickets--- you just have to write for them and then wait in line. The whole Cape and PSAT thing...you're in New England...so you leave for the Cape at 2 instead of 8am? Or Sunday instead of Saturday. Where's the real issue here?

Edited February 7, 2010 by LibraryLover

[AFwife Claire]

It doesn't look like plane tickets are involved and White House tickets don't have to be used on a particular day. Unless they changed that; they are like Captial Tickets--- you just have to write for them and then wait in line.

 

Actually, I think they have changed that. Now you get timed tickets, and you have to be there like an hour before your time to get your ID all checked. When you write your congressman to ask for them, then they let you know if they have any tickets left to give for that particular day. And if you are even too late for your allotted slot, then you aren't able to go. You definitely can't just show up and hope to use your ticket at any random time on any random day! Unfortunately, it's not easy to tour the White House anymore!

[LibraryLover]

Actually, I think they have changed that. Now you get timed tickets, and you have to be there like an hour before your time to get your ID all checked. When you write your congressman to ask for them, then they let you know if they have any tickets left to give for that particular day. And if you are even too late for your allotted slot, then you aren't able to go. You definitely can't just show up and hope to use your ticket at any random time on any random day! Unfortunately, it's not easy to tour the White House anymore!

 

 

We went to The Capital in Oct, and we had to write for tickets. They weren't timed, but you couldn't enter without one. I haven't been to the white house since the year before 9/11, so I can imgaine it's quite different now. If the White House tickets are for a certain day and are timed, they could still do a whole bunch of other things and save the White House for another trip. DC is fantastic; there is so much to see and do even without going to the White House.

[Corraleno]

I do think there is a bit of an issue here with your parents. You called your mother 'clingy'. Using such a word means the relationship is not quite right, right?

 

Or maybe they have a wonderful relationship, but her mom just happens to be a bit, well, clingy. I love my son more than life itself, we have a very close and loving relationship, but he was Velcrobaby for years, and even now he's pretty clingy. That's a personality thing, not a relationship problem.

 

Jackie

[LibraryLover]

Or maybe they have a wonderful relationship, but her mom just happens to be a bit, well, clingy. I love my son more than life itself, we have a very close and loving relationship, but he was Velcrobaby for years, and even now he's pretty clingy. That's a personality thing, not a relationship problem.

 

Jackie

 

Well, clingy can cause problems in a relationship. It's not *just* a personality trait. It's obviously affecting the OP and her kids.

 

It's on the board...so we're speculating why it's such a big deal...what are ya gonna? :D threads take on a life of their own. Now I want to know:

 

Let the kid go and let her be miserable, or is anyone willing to compromise on days to leave? Can they go to DC after the prom without seeing the White House? Can they leave for the Cape after the PSAT?

[katilac]

I understand where you're coming from, and I'm not judging you, but I think I'm the opposite of you. I actually LIKE having things planned months in advance. If something like that was offered only a week or :

 

Your kids are young, though, so you don't really have the conflicts yet that older kids have. It was very easy for me to be the master planner months in advance when my kids were 5 & 6; now, at 9 & 11, it is much, much harder. There are many important dates that we don't know about until a couple of months in advance. I'd love it if we knew sooner, but we just don't. ((next bits are related to all the posts, not just the one I quoted))

 

As far as some dates always being known far in advance, well, hmmm . . . large scale proms at public schools are certainly schedule fairly early in the year, but geez, it's barely February! I think 3 to 4 months (from now to April/May) is more likely for smaller schools and home school group events. And you're not neccesarily thinking of the PSAT in September, y'know? Some things are bound to fall throught the cracks.

 

I think the OP does just need to say to the grandparents that it's hard to plan that far in advance; if it's something that needs to be planned that far ahead, make sure the kids realize that agreeing to go is agreeing to give up whatever else might come up. But I'm not telling my kids they they can't take the PSAT or perform in a concert just b/c the grandparents like to plan a year in advance, lol!

 

Several posters have mentioned the "grandparents won't always be here, and they're more important than friends" argument, and I agree with placing family above friends in general. But friends, and developing their own interests and skills, are important also, and kids shouldn't be forced to continually make that choice when there's no reason for it. The grandparents LIKE to plan months in advance; they don't generally NEED to. Again, if it's a question of scoring special tickets or something, they should make the offer and let the kids decide if they want to make the commitment. But there are plenty of fun trips that don't require six months planning. I have never in my life planned a vacation that far ahead! And I've visited a fairly wide variety of places.

 

I always dislike the argument that, hey, they're better than many other grandparents, you should be grateful.

 

 

It is the OP's job to explain that she can't plan most things that far in advance. It is the grandparents job to take her at her word and be as flexible as possible.