What does this strange thing that my dh does MEAN?!

[*********]

So whenever someone else is sick, my dh is, too.

 

For example...

 

Yesterday morning, Moose woke up, and within ten minutes, I was holding him at the toilet while he dry heaved. He had a fever and the dry heaves for most of the day. I was worried about him, but you know, there's not a whole lot you can do when they first have a stomach bug. Something in the back of my head *told me not to tell my dh, but I emailed him anyway. (You know how it can be a little scary to be the only adult home all day long with a sick little one, right? I just needed someone else to know that he was sick.) Anyway, I emailed dh, told him the little guy was sick, dh emailed back, asked if there was anything he could pick up on his way home.

 

Well, as soon as dh walks through the door, he doesn't even ask how Moose is. He has this sick puppy dog look on his face, and starts going on and on about how bad of a headache he has, and that he has to go be alone until his head feels better.

 

:001_huh:

 

Um, I've been taking care of a puking toddler all day, and haven't even gotten a SHOWER.

 

But the thing is, dh was serious. He wasn't 'making up' that he had a headache to get out of helping with the little guy.

 

But he's ALWAYS sick if me or one of the children is seriously ill. If I get a migraine, which I do about once a month, dh is inevitably struck with some vague ailment at the same time. I'm not kidding; I'll say 'I'm getting a migraine, I need to go take one of my pills and lie down', the next thing out of his mouth will be 'yeah, I'm not feeling too good either. My stomach/head/back (whatever) has been bothering me today'. Which leaves me all :001_huh: and :glare:. I mean, I wanna say 'DUDE, come ON here. I'm not talking I have indigestion or a sore back muscle. I have a MIGRAINE. You know, when the slightest light or sound can make you feel like you're gonna throw up and/or lose your mind from pain!'.

 

Thing is, he doesn't do it *on purpose*. I can tell he's not even aware that he does it, but it's starting to drive me crazy. Like, I really think if I hadn't emailed him yesterday to tell him Moose was sick, then dh would have been fine when he got home, and maybe I could've gotten a shower before 8pm. :tongue_smilie:

 

Is there a name for this? Does anyone else have a family member that does this? It's not just because he's my dh that this has me stumped; if any of my kids did this, I'd want to figure out why, too.

 

ETA: I'm wondering if it's related to the fact that DH has been diagnosed with several chronic, on-going health problems. He has degenerative disk disorder, which causes him a lot of pain in his back (for which he has a seen a chiropractor regularly for years and years). He also has IBS, as well as sleep apnea. None of this things really has a 'cure'. There are preventative things he does to help control the symptoms and to avoid flare-ups, but I know he genuinely struggles with all of these things from time to time. I wonder if it's related at all...

Edited February 5, 2010 by bethanyniez

[Chris in VA]

I was going to say that maybe he's just really sympathetic--how was he with your pregnancies?...

But reading further, it just seems, IDK, like he's made more aware of how he feels when someone else feels bad, and like...sorry...maybe he's trying to get out of helping--like he wants someone to acknowledge how he feels. It seems sort of immature, really.

I don't mean to diss your hubby (and that's not allowed here, anyway!). I do feel he's not being very kind and is not putting you first.

[*********]

I was going to say that maybe he's just really sympathetic--how was he with your pregnancies?...

But reading further, it just seems, IDK, like he's made more aware of how he feels when someone else feels bad, and like...sorry...maybe he's trying to get out of helping--like he wants someone to acknowledge how he feels. It seems sort of immature, really.

I don't mean to diss your hubby (and that's not allowed here, anyway!). I do feel he's not being very kind and is not putting you first.

 

Chris, I appreciate your comments. That used to be my reaction too; like dh was just trying to get out of helping if one of the dc or I are sick. But once I've stepped back and really looked at it, like I did yesterday, I feel differently. Dh wasn't 'faking'; at least not on purpose. He's a great husband, a great dad; helps out with the kids a lot. It's just this strange thing he does when one of us is sick. I'm starting to think there's a psychological aspect to it. I did some googling about hypocondria, but it didn't fit the descriptions I was finding.

 

I'm pretty sure dh has some sensory processing issues, as well as some OCD issues. I'm curious if this could be related...

[Stacia]

Maybe he's anxiety-ridden at the thought of having to take care of a sick kid alone or be the only one in charge if you're sick, kwim? So, just the thought of having to take over/be in charge/handle a 'crisis' type situation is too much, he starts to get anxious, he starts to feel bad physically, and it just goes downhill from there, etc....

 

That explanation might fit if he's great w/ helping out & such as long as the family dynamic is in it's 'normal' mode (everyone is healthy & things are going along like they usually do). Maybe the thought of things being in 'not normal' mode is too overwheming & manifests itself in a physical (sympathetic) reaction to whatever the current illness is.

 

:confused:

 

Just a thought.

[hornblower]

Um, honestly? It sounds like when a kid is sick & the sibling toddler is jealous of all the attention & 'gets sick' too with a variety of mysterious ailments and booboo's which need attention right now, mama!

[Chris in VA]

Oh, I wasn't saying he's faking or anything--I do think he's made anxious by it all, like the pp said. And I think you are insightful to link it to his other possible challenges.

I can tell ya love him--and that lets us see the best in each other, doesn't it? You are being sweet to him and a good wife.

[MelanieM]

It sounds like an unconscious call for attention. Do you know what it was like for him growing up as a child? Did he have a sick parent or sibling that got all the attention? Or did he happen to only get positive attention when he was sick?

 

Sometimes we have old patterns that we keep playing out from habit, and those can manifest as very real physical situations. If you can see a trigger there and you think it would help, you might speak to him about it. Awareness might be all he needs to let that go.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

No answers. My dh does that too. I remember shrieking in frustration that just once I'd like to be sick on my own. And that was before kids.

[k10coon]

My husband is like this too. We joke about it and he is aware he does it. I always told him that when it was my time of the month, why is it he needed the Midol?

[Saille]

No answers. My dh does that too. I remember shrieking in frustration that just once I'd like to be sick on my own. And that was before kids.

 

Word.

[myfunnybunch]

Mine is the same way. :glare: Well, was. I finally told him to suck it up and that I didn't want to hear it unless he had an actual fever verified with a thermometer, and 99.5 doesn't count or he was puking. Only I was louder and it took longer to say. I'm not proud of that, but I happened to be genuinely sick at the time and facing the prospect of caring for three young guys alone. He has gradually stopped for the most part. (But he still checks his temp when anyone else gets sick. ;) )

 

I think you are very sweet and understanding to your man. He's a lucky guy. :)

 

Cat

[mom2denj]

Just kidding! But wierd, My husband does the same thing. I am not sure why. It used to drive me CRAZY!!! But, I have just learned to go along with it. He is a great husband, and dad. He works super hard. I guess it is just a "guy thing . Maybe a cry for attention. Everything else that he does outweighs this strange behavior, so I just grin and bear it.:D

[bluemongoose]

Mine does it to, but he always says he has a sore throat. And when he has a sore throat he cannot get out of bed, and he changes the way he talks and everything. IT DRIVES ME MAD! I find it very difficult (thought I try really hard) to be sympathetic to him when he really is sick because he acts this way over the smallest ailment. When I get sick he tells me to buck up and walks out the door to work. Even when we are both sick and I obviously have it worse, he will be the one in bed!

 

In all other ways my DH is awesome, so it is only a mild beef on my part. I think you are being sweet to your DH and having more patience with it than I think I would be able to!

[*********]

I didn't realize that I would get responses of 'my dh does this, too'. Interesting. Makes me wonder what it all means. :) Thanks for at least letting me know I'm not alone. I love my dh; he's a great guy. I just still can't understand why this happens.

[RoughCollie]

My DH starts fretting about getting sick whenever anyone else does, and then, lo and behold, he gets sick too.

 

The weirdest thing is that he has been sick every single Christmas Eve night except for one, since the kids were born. Heck, he may have been sick that one night, but I would have had no sympathy because I needed help putting a spring horse (rocking horse) together.

[Tree House Academy]

My husband is the SAME way...but he tends to get sick if I say *I* am sick!!!!! So I never get a break. Even when I am sick, here he comes saying he is sick too! It is not something I enjoy and usually it ends in a big argument for us. He doesn't understand why it bugs me so. Hmmmmmm... Maybe because I can't even go to the doctor without taking the kids...and now i can't even be SICK in peace! LOL

[MamaSheep]

My dh does the same thing! Not so much when the kids are sick, but definitely when I am. Just the beginning of this week I had a kidney stone. A KIDNEY STONE! They are not even contagious for pete's sake. I could barely move it hurt so bad. And to his credit, he did pitch in and take up the slack--for about half a day, after which point he came down with a mysterious debillitating pain in his upper back. He wasn't faking either, but I felt like kicking the man. I mean, there should be a limit to this thing SOMEWHERE. He did still hobble around and take care of a lot of things around the house because he figured an actual kidney stone trumped a pulled muscle or whatever, but things still piled up.

 

Most of the time I just suck it up because it really is fairly apparent that he's talking about genuine symptoms and he's not just being a baby about it, and he's been so sick at times that he's had to miss things that were important to him that he definitely would not have missed by choice. But I agree--just once it would be nice if I could be sick all by myself and have a completely separate, functional adult in the house to keep things running smoothly so that I didn't have to excavate when I got better.

 

It's fascinating to me that so many other people's husbands are like that too.

 

Do you also find that you are the only one in the house who can't have a bad day all by yourself? I've noticed that any other family member can have a grumpy day and the rest of the family just shakes them off and lives happily AROUND the grump until it wears off. But if I am having an off day, the whole family starts practically ripping each other's throats out. For some reason whatever mechanism keeps them sane when another family member is cranky does not work if it's me. I am not allowed to be cranky because the whole world collapses into chaos and ruin. It's just not fair! (End of whine.)

Edited February 5, 2010 by MamaSheep

[Jean in Newcastle]

I bet that when he hears that someone is sick, he does a little self check of all his aches and pains and realizes that he has them too. You know how normally we might have a sore muscle here or a slight headache but we block it out. But once you start really thinking about it, you start to feel poorly.

[Anne in CA]

I have been attending a weekly seminar at my church and Wed night the speaker talked about how you fit your life into boxes. There is the open box, in which you keep material that you are aware of and that others are aware of. There is the hidden box, in which there is material that only you are aware of, but others are not. This is the box shame lives in. There is the blind box, where you do not know things about yourself but they are apparent to others, and the box of the unknown, where you don't know things and other people don't know either.

 

All this to say that this sounds like your dh's blind box. He is obviously not aware he is doing this. When I have pointed out things in my dh's blind box I have not always been as loving as I should have so he was not receptive to taking in new information. Maybe you can find a creative way to make him aware of this?

[MicheleinMN]

So whenever someone else is sick, my dh is, too.

 

 

But he's ALWAYS sick if me or one of the children is seriously ill. If I get a migraine, which I do about once a month, dh is inevitably struck with some vague ailment at the same time. I'm not kidding; I'll say 'I'm getting a migraine, I need to go take one of my pills and lie down', the next thing out of his mouth will be 'yeah, I'm not feeling too good either. My stomach/head/back (whatever) has been bothering me today'. Which leaves me all :001_huh: and :glare:. I mean, I wanna say 'DUDE, come ON here. I'm not talking I have indigestion or a sore back muscle. I have a MIGRAINE. You know, when the slightest light or sound can make you feel like you're gonna throw up and/or lose your mind from pain!'.

 

 

 

Are we married to the same man?????

 

Drives. Me. Crazy.

[*********]

Are we married to the same man?????

 

I certainly hope not. :D

[*********]

Just kidding! But wierd, My husband does the same thing. I am not sure why. It used to drive me CRAZY!!! But, I have just learned to go along with it. He is a great husband, and dad. He works super hard. I guess it is just a "guy thing . Maybe a cry for attention. Everything else that he does outweighs this strange behavior, so I just grin and bear it.:D

 

This has been my tactic, too. But good gracious, I had no idea that other husbands did this, too. Well, in a weird, 'misery loves company' sort of way, that makes me feel better. :D

[CalicoKat]

:lol: totally can relate.

 

The other day I cam down stairs after tucking the kids in to find my sick husband flacked out on the couch with his head over his face. I'm not sure didn't groan or sigh just for my benefit either. :001_smile:

 

I pulled out my serious face, "DH I'm really really concerned. Someone shouldn't be this ill after exercising for 20 minutes with the kiddos. Go get your coat on because I'm taking you to the ER. I'm very very worried about you."

 

He headed me off at the stairs on my way back up to pull them all out of bed and into the car. No no, he didn't want to get the kids up again just for this. "Shall I call your father to come and take you then?" I said. :D

 

Nope, he made a speedy recovery.

 

I'm not saying he's a bad person but he does have a tendency towards being a hypochrondiac--just like MIL who's got everyone convince she's on death's door for the past 10 years.

 

Men. Gotta love them. Confront him about the discrepancies in how he cares for you while your sick vs. how he expects you to care for him--not while either of you is ill. You'll feel better and have a place to stand for the next converstation in the thick of it.

[sunshine]

Um, honestly? It sounds like when a kid is sick & the sibling toddler is jealous of all the attention & 'gets sick' too with a variety of mysterious ailments and booboo's which need attention right now, mama!

 

I wish I didn't agree but :iagree:. My MIL always and I mean ALWAYS gets sick everytime someone in the family does. And it ALways lasts 1 or 2 days longer, was more severe, harder to get over because she is older...yada yada. But this is always after she calls them, brings them a treat, makes sure they are ok. So, she loves them but doesn't want to be left out of the sympathy/attention.

 

It is an attention thing and it can be so automatic that they don't see it for what it is. Its like when your 6yr old says I'm thirsty and the 4yr old says Me Too. Well he wasn't thirsty a minute ago but when big brother says it he decides he is because he doesn't want the big brother to get all the good koolaid.

Your dh can still be a good husband and father and be immature and jealous of the attention the kids get from you. Men naturally have a tendency to want the wives attention first. They want you to love the kids and put them above everything else...except them.

[Quad Shot Academy]

If your hubby is very sensitive to stress, I would think that might be it.

 

I used to think my hubby did it vindictively, then subconsciously, then I came to the conclusion that God was orchestrating the plans. Once my hubby was out of town and I was watching my friend's kids and most of our friends were out of town at the same conference and we all got the worst case of the stomach flu ever. There was no-one to make a run to the store or drop off a meal. I won't even tell you the horrors of the bodily fluids. ;) I finally realized that my husband was not to blame, that God was making these challenges arise for me. I have found a huge amount of strength that I did not know I had, once I realized God was challenging, stretching and strengthening me. Once I learned to handle them with grace, they seemed to just disappear. ;)

 

Another example would be road rage. I used to be a very high stress driver and people were constantly doing very nutty things around me. Once I started handling people's nuttiness with grace, the crazies seemed to disappear. It was not easy! It took me about a year of prayer, scripture memory work and discipline to overcome my anger. ;)

[sassenach]

I have been attending a weekly seminar at my church and Wed night the speaker talked about how you fit your life into boxes. There is the open box, in which you keep material that you are aware of and that others are aware of. There is the hidden box, in which there is material that only you are aware of, but others are not. This is the box shame lives in. There is the blind box, where you do not know things about yourself but they are apparent to others, and the box of the unknown, where you don't know things and other people don't know either.

 

All this to say that this sounds like your dh's blind box. He is obviously not aware he is doing this. When I have pointed out things in my dh's blind box I have not always been as loving as I should have so he was not receptive to taking in new information. Maybe you can find a creative way to make him aware of this?

 

I like that analogy.

 

My dh is kind of like this. He gets paranoid when others in the house are sick and goes into high alert for any symptoms of his own. I think that often leads into him feeling sick before he actually is. I think the difference is that it's not a secret. I have pointed this out to him and he fully acknowledges his tenancies. He is one of those placebo effect type of people. But if I really needed help with the kids, his feeling sick would not stop him from helping. I tend to have a FAR superior immune system, so that just doesn't happen very often. If we both are sick, he will always claim to be more sick than me. sigh. Other than giving him a hard time for being a wimp, I haven't found a solution for that one.

 

I have a theory about your dh (OP). My dh has chronic pain and I'm guessing that yours does too. I know with my dh, he suffers in silence a lot of the time. He is pretty much always in pain, but he doesn't say anything about it unless it is really flared up. I think when I complain about pain or illness, he feels like he needs to remind me that he is also in pain. I think it's a self protection mechanism. I also think if I was in as much constant pain as he is, I would do the same. I'd suck it up most of the time, but if I feel like expectations may be raised on me, then I'd like to remind you that I am in pain, too. So don't expect me to be able to fulfill your role, because I've got just enough energy to fill my own role.

 

So have you ever said anything to him?

[Sonshine]

The husband of a former coworker of mine ended up in the emergency room when his wife was experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions. They thought he had something like appendicitis or something else urgent to cause the severe stomah pain he we experiencing. Turned out to be sympathy pain.

[cougarmom4]

My MIL always and I mean ALWAYS gets sick everytime someone in the family does. And it ALways lasts 1 or 2 days longer, was more severe, harder to get over because she is older...yada yada. But this is always after she calls them, brings them a treat, makes sure they are ok. So, she loves them but doesn't want to be left out of the sympathy/attention.

 

It is an attention thing and it can be so automatic that they don't see it for what it is. Its like when your 6yr old says I'm thirsty and the 4yr old says Me Too. Well he wasn't thirsty a minute ago but when big brother says it he decides he is because he doesn't want the big brother to get all the good koolaid.

 

 

Oh, my goodness...my MIL, too!

And that's a great analogy! I love it. This thread is cracking me up, because my dh is the same!

[dangermom]

Do you also find that you are the only one in the house who can't have a bad day all by yourself? I've noticed that any other family member can have a grumpy day and the rest of the family just shakes them off and lives happily AROUND the grump until it wears off. But if I am having an off day, the whole family starts practically ripping each other's throats out. For some reason whatever mechanism keeps them sane when another family member is cranky does not work if it's me. I am not allowed to be cranky because the whole world collapses into chaos and ruin. It's just not fair! (End of whine.)

 

I KNOW! Why can't I just be grumpy in peace for once? No, if I get cranky, everything falls apart. :glare: It's probably good for me or something, but it sure is aggravating. :lol:

[cougarmom4]

Do you also find that you are the only one in the house who can't have a bad day all by yourself? I've noticed that any other family member can have a grumpy day and the rest of the family just shakes them off and lives happily AROUND the grump until it wears off. But if I am having an off day, the whole family starts practically ripping each other's throats out. For some reason whatever mechanism keeps them sane when another family member is cranky does not work if it's me. I am not allowed to be cranky because the whole world collapses into chaos and ruin. It's just not fair! (End of whine.)

 

:iagree: Especially--"I am not allowed to be cranky because the whole world collapses into chaos and ruin."

[dangermom]

Ha! Simulpost!

[SproutMamaK]

My husband did that for a while. One of my friends sent this video to me and I cracked up so much that my husband wanted to watch it, too.

 

 

 

Now, on the days when he's suddenly ill out of nowhere, I just say, "oh, poor little bunny". ;) He'll often laugh and realize that he's being a bit of a drama queen (king?), or he'll laugh and say, " i know, but I really DO feel sick this time." Either way, he thinks about it and smiles. It's turned in to a light-hearted way for him to honestly assess what he's doing. But your DH would probably have to have a particular sense of humour for him not to take it personally.

Edited February 5, 2010 by SproutMamaK

[athena1277]

My husband did that for a while. One of my friends sent this video to me and I cracked up so much that my husband wanted to watch it, too.

 

 

 

Now, on the days when he's suddenly ill out of nowhere, I just say, "oh, poor little bunny". ;) He'll often laugh and realize that he's being a bit of a drama queen (king?), or he'll laugh and say, " i know, but I really DO feel sick this time." Either way, he thinks about it and smiles. It's turned in to a light-hearted way for him to honestly assess what he's doing. But your DH would probably have to have a particular sense of humour for him not to take it personally.

 

Love that video! So true and so funny!

[cougarmom4]

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, my goodness...I am laughing so hard I'm crying. Love it! I can't wait to show that to dh!

[6packofun]

I agree. It sounds like a mix of passive-aggressive/need-to-control-or-be-the-center-of-attention and hypochondria. I do NOT envy the OP.

[staceyobu]

I could have written your post. Apparently there are other husbands out there who suffer from this mysterious ailment. I distinctly remember having a horrible stomach bug and DH having some horrible pain in his toe (seriously... his toe!) that kept him from getting out of bed to care for the kids. :glare: I think he finally wound up helping me while limping around whining. :001_huh:

 

He isn't as bad about it as he used to be. But, it drives me crazy. He's a good husband. But, I guess all good husbands make us do this :glare: every once in a while.

[Melissa in Australia]

my husband does it too. I think that maybe he is always unwell and just doesn't say anything, and when I say that I am sick, he possibly thinks that I want to have a discussion about how he is feeling. not quite the discussion that i have in mind though.

[IsabelC]

My hubby is like that too sometimes. Only he doesn't just get sick, he gets *worse* than me, so that I end up feeling rubbish, looking after the kids on my own, and having to wait on him...

 

Let me know when you figure out the cure :lurk5:

[OrganicAnn]

What I would do (I don't know if it would work) when I had some place to go and DH was going to be home. Tell him you think you are coming down with a cold. Let him develop his own man cold or other complaint. Then go off with the kids to the library/visit relatives and leave him home with no attention. I would keep doing it till he stopped getting sick every time I said I was coming down with a cold.

[ConnieB]

My dad used to tell people that if any of us kids got sick he always caught it (though like other posters, seems like it was never "quite" as bad for him as for us).

 

My dad joked constantly that if any of us girls got preggers he was moving out....so, being the first of the family to get pregnant, I called him....when he answered I said "Time for you to move out". The truly hilarious part is that he got it.....pause...."oh my god I'm gonna be a grandpa".

 

 

I have often felt that men have a deep need to be taken care of, even the strong type that do a great job taking care of us.....but the minute they sniffle they become 8 years old and need their mommmy....and we somehow are she.

 

I hope your little one (and big one) are feeling better today. :grouphug: