Kissing Cousins?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Does your state allow first cousins to marry? Would you think of first cousin marriage as incest or not? Would it be ok if the people were not planning to have any children?

[swellmomma]

one word. EWWW.

 

 

I do not know what the laws are in my province, but I would not okay with it at all regardless if they had children or not. I think of my cousins the same way I think of my sister and brother kwim and would consider a first cousin marriage to be incest. Sounds too much like a V. C. Andrews book.

[camibami]

There was a couple at my church growing up who were 1st cousins!! They were elderly, and got married when very old, because the law was they couldn't have children or something. I don't know the specifics, my grandmother told me about it.

 

The yucky factor was VERY big for me, but my brother always used them as the reason he could marry our cousin Janine when he grew up! He grew out of that. ;)

[KidsHappen]

Well, it is allowed in TX and good thing too or I wouldn't be here. My grandmother and grandfather were first cousins and I don't believe that they were the first pair in my family tree either. I probably wasn't the best idea in my family given our health history and I can tell you it makes it darn hard to construct a family tree.

[Kate in Arabia]

Many people in dh's family have married first cousins, including one of his sisters. It's not something I personally am comfortable with, but I think that's largely cultural.

[MomLovesClassics]

My father has done a lot of research into our family tree. Cousins getting married used to be common especially with royal families. I saw where this happened in my family tree, and if others dig deep enough they may also find it also happened in their family tree as well.

[mrsrevmeg]

When my husband and I went to to get our marriage license the lady behind the counter asked if we were blood related.

:blink: ewwww! I was thinking, "Uh no, that is why we are getting married" So apparently it is legal around here. But yuck!

Edited October 6, 2009 by mrsrevmeg
spelling

[ChristusG]

Ewww, sorry, I could not even imagine it. I couldn't even come to terms with second cousins either.

[4kiddies]

I think it would depend on the relationship. I have first cousins I wouldn't know if I saw on the street. I also have first cousins that I am extremely close to.

 

I went to high school with a girl whose parents were 2nd cousins but they had the same last name.

 

We also believe but nobody will confirm it that my husbands great-grandparents were first cousins. It really wasn't all that uncommon 100years ago when you were expected to marry someone from your town, same ethnic background and religion. In some towns the pool to choose from wasn't that large.

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

Oops!

Edited October 6, 2009 by Mrs. Frankweiler
sorry, wrong thread!

[4kiddies]

I think it's always nice when the neighbors bring food when we move in....and I've tried to pay it forward whenever we see new neighbors coming in.

 

I think baked goods are ok. One time I went all out and made lasagna. We were having it that night anyway, and there is always so much leftover. I asked first, though. I just went over, introduced myself, found out a little about them (where they came from, how long they've been "homeless" between houses, etc...) and said, "I'm making lasagna for dinner tonight....since I always make too much would you guys like some? That way, they have a chance to let you know if there have a problem with it (allergies, don't like pasta, etc....)

 

If they are from out of town, they will certainly appreciate anything home made. Eating out gets old REALLY fast.

 

LOL! Wrong thread!

[stripe]

I wouldn't do it myself, but then I have only one male cousin! ;) And he does have a serious genetic condition, but happily has been able to have two healthy children with his wife.

 

I don't consider it incest, and in doing family research I found a pair of cousins who married, as well as one guy who, after being widowed, married his wife's sister. And really, on deeper consideration, I've come to see that not as yucky at all, and potentially very smart, depending on the circumstances (it may be smart to have your new spouse be related to your now mother/father-less kids -- they might care more, for example).

 

That being said, times have changed, and it may or may not be weird nowadays. Also depends what sort of relationship the involved parties have -- some cousins grow up like sister and brother, while others have never met.

[Amy in TX]

It's quite common in dh's (Pakistani) family, especially among his parents' generation. Probably has to do with the culture and lifestyle of Pakistan a generation and more ago--large, close extended family networks were the source of everyone's social life. Dh has said that with marriage within the family, the attitude was often that "you knew what you were getting," as opposed to marrying outside the family.

 

I'm mildly uncomfortable with the idea, but I wasn't raised in that culture.

 

:)

[LauraGB]

one word. EWWW.

 

.

 

Kinda, yeah.

 

But, I understand it was widely common for rich families back in the day to do this to keep the money in the family and not let outsiders in.

 

Kinda glad my family wasn't rich.

[Daisy]

I can't imagine doing so BUT it doesn't totally gross me out. I think it may have some to do with how "close" you are to your cousins. My hubby and I barely know our cousins. They live on the other side of the country so we don't really equate them with "close family." However, I can imagine in very close extended families that it would be very awkward.

 

I think something like half of the states in our country allow first cousins to marry.

 

Second cousins, third cousins, second cousin once removed, etc, doesn't even faze me.

 

Course I'm a hick born in Alabama. LOL.

[kmacnchs]

my great grandmother and great grandfather were 1st cousins :) We laugh and make jokes about how it took all the cousins (except my brother and myself) more than 4 yrs to graduate college b/c we are inbred. I think it's pretty gross to think about my cousins this way...I don't know much about it as far as science (having kids) goes though...

 

Well, it is allowed in TX and good thing too or I wouldn't be here. My grandmother and grandfather were first cousins and I don't believe that they were the first pair in my family tree either. I probably wasn't the best idea in my family given our health history and I can tell you it makes it darn hard to construct a family tree.

[Cammie]

Interestingly, very common in India as well with very little evidence of genetic problems. Here for most communities, the rule is that you can marry your cross-cousin. That means, a girl could marry her father's sister's son but not her father's brother's son. She could marry her mother's brother's son but not her mother's sister's son. It seems to work. Also, uncles marrying their neices is also fairly common here. I don't say I understand it...just saying it is fairly common.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank you for the responses. Lots of food for thought here.

[Loupelou]

Here's an interesting article at Slate from several years back. Interesting argument, although I think it led me to more questions than answers!

 

http://www.slate.com/id/2064227/

[Lady Q]

It's quite common in dh's (Pakistani) family, especially among his parents' generation. Probably has to do with the culture and lifestyle of Pakistan a generation and more ago--large, close extended family networks were the source of everyone's social life. Dh has said that with marriage within the family, the attitude was often that "you knew what you were getting," as opposed to marrying outside the family.

 

I'm mildly uncomfortable with the idea, but I wasn't raised in that culture.

 

:)

 

I am from Pakistan, and yes, it's perfectly culturally acceptable to marry your first cousin. My uncle did, for one.

[Lady Q]

Also, uncles marrying their neices is also fairly common here. I don't say I understand it...just saying it is fairly common.

 

Okay, now THAT would creep me out.

[Murphy101]

Ok read that slate article.

Um

like heck I can't.

I sure can just say sex with animals is icky.:tongue_smilie:

 

Dog meat? Okay.

 

I don't put either of those on par with heterosexual relations.

 

I don't consider cousins incest.

Thus marriage would be ok.

Sterility/genetics doesn't matter to me.

Honestly most in the population have much higher risk of birth defects in their dc and don't know it or take that risk.

 

Besides refusing marriage doesn't mean they won't have sex these days.

 

I personally don't have a single blessed thing in common with anyone in my family and have often pondered the real possibility that I'm the bartender's misbegotten kid.

[Murphy101]

Finished reading the slate article.

 

Hmmm.

 

I still think it isn't "incest" and I don't neccessarily look to science to determine moral right either. But I agree with his last opinion.

It probably isn't advisable from a family dynamics perspective.

[farmmom4him]

I live in a town where the gene pool is limited so to speak. We just had our 100yr anny for our church, well, most of us are related one way or another. I am not sure how many 1st cousins are married, but I do know that there are numerous times you can look at a family tree and see the same person on both sides... Some of us are even jokingly arranging marriages. lol

[Desert Rat]

Hmm. I'm from good, strong hillbilly stock. I'm sure I've got first cousins marrying in my family tree if I were to look. I don't have a problem with it really, unless the cousins were raised as siblings. Then it would be a bit icky. I've always wondered how many people out there are married to actual family members without knowing, like through adoption or something. What if you found out after the fact?

[Wendi]

It's not too big a deal to me. It's not common in our culture, but it wasn't THAT long ago that it was more common. We all love Jane Austen, right? Fanny and Edmund are first cousins, and nobody seems concerned when cousin Mr. Collins wants to marry one of the Bennett girls.

 

I haven't found any cousin marriages in my family tree yet, but I wouldn't be surprised. The Scottish PEI branch lived on a small island, mostly rural, for generations. It's quite possible that people married their cousins; there weren't that many potential mates to choose from!

 

Wendi

[Retired]

I can't imagine doing so BUT it doesn't totally gross me out. I think it may have some to do with how "close" you are to your cousins. My hubby and I barely know our cousins. They live on the other side of the country so we don't really equate them with "close family." However, I can imagine in very close extended families that it would be very awkward.

 

I think something like half of the states in our country allow first cousins to marry.

 

Second cousins, third cousins, second cousin once removed, etc, doesn't even faze me.

 

Course I'm a hick born in Alabama. LOL.

 

All right girl! I am a Alabama girl born and raised! I have never seen married or kissing cousins until I went to work in LA (lower Alabama) Mobile. I grew up in central Alabama (I know so much culture):tongue_smilie:

 

I had a group of patients (a complete family) that has been intermarried for generations and they all have the same genetic heart disease.

 

I remember my first day in ICU and the nurses were making jokes about this family. I really thought they were kidding. This seems so bizarre in this day and time

 

I grew up with my first and second cousins so in a word the whole idea is just gross but I can see in a culture were extended family do not know each other, to each there own!

[Murphy101]

If you are going from a family dynamics standpoint it would be great if it worked out well. Obviously the stakes are higher but how many in-law issues would disappear if you already really , truly understood the family of your spouse, and they loved you? No choosing where to spend Christmas and you already know that grandma is nuts so you have a better idea of what you are getting into. - I'm just sayin'

 

I grew up with a girl and her mom's brother married her dad's sister so they were double cousins. Her same aged cousin looked like her twin.

 

yeah. that's what he said. IF it works out - great.

But wowza. talk about he** if it doesn't work out! what a mess.

:)

[Murphy101]

I grew up with my first and second cousins so in a word the whole idea is just gross but I can see in a culture were extended family do not know each other, to each there own!

 

I'm not sure I understand the stance of whether they were close growing up or knew each other well being the determining factor in how "icky" or sorta incestuous it might seem.:001_huh:

 

After all, the girl/guy next door might be better known and closer to through out childhood than many are with siblings and we would think it perfectly natural if they got married.

 

That's my dh's parents. They grew up together. His dad is 2 years older than his mom and spent nearly every day of his youth at his mom's house and was best buds with her brothers growing up. They've known each other since they were in early elementary school and married right out of high school.

[Scarlett]

This isn't a cousin's situation, but step-siblings who married. They were both in their teens when their parents married and a few years later the step-siblings married. They had kids and then----you guessed it---they divorced. Can you imagine how awkward family gatherings are? It has not been easy for any of them.

[Tree House Academy]

When I was a little girl, I wanted to marry my 2nd cousin. Who cares that he is 21 years older than me. Psha. LOL

 

I am a little creeped out by the whole thing. Not sure I could ever hook up with one of my 1st cousins. Yuck.

[justamouse]

It's not for me, but I wouldn't hold it against them. (I'm another who grew up with their cousins as siblings.)

[KrissiK]

Here in Calif. it's legal. My aunt married her first cousin. They were both older (in their early 50's, not that that's old, but... well, you know what I mean), it was a second marriage for him. At first my family wasn't all that thrilled, but they've been married for 17 years now and are happy and it's a good thing, so we're all fine with it.

[LaxMom]

I think it would depend on the relationship.

:iagree: I wouldn't marry one of my first cousins, but we grew up like siblings in separate houses. To me, it's sort of like step-siblings. If they're raised as siblings, creepily incestuous. But what if their parents are widowed and marry later in life, when the "siblings" are adults? That doesn't strike me as creepy at all.

[Mabelen]

Interestingly, very common in India as well with very little evidence of genetic problems. Here for most communities, the rule is that you can marry your cross-cousin. That means, a girl could marry her father's sister's son but not her father's brother's son. She could marry her mother's brother's son but not her mother's sister's son. It seems to work. Also, uncles marrying their neices is also fairly common here. I don't say I understand it...just saying it is fairly common.

 

You are right. I still find odd that you are allowed to marry your father's sister's son but not your father's brother's son because you are just as closely related to one as to the other! Neither my friends nor my in laws have been able to explain the whys either! Do you know?

[sleepymommy]

You are right. I still find odd that you are allowed to marry your father's sister's son but not your father's brother's son because you are just as closely related to one as to the other! Neither my friends nor my in laws have been able to explain the whys either! Do you know?

 

 

I will attempt to explain a little of what I know on this. In my dh's family tradition (not really excepted so much now), it was customary to be allowed to marry your mother's brother's kid (can't remember the rule right now on the father's side), but not your mother's sister's kid because their ancestry runs on a matriarichal (sp?) lineage. So, those cousins from your mother's brother's side aren't really considered family or something like that. All the family possessions (land, home etc) are passed down to the women of the family. So in order to keep land and ownership in the family, a male from the mother's brother's side can marry a female from the mother's sisters side.

 

This is not common in most parts of India since it is predominately patriarichal (again sp?) It is not heard of in my family (also Indian, btw, just from a different region). But India has many diverse cultures within itself so I can't speak for them all.

[nono]

One of the things that I love about my first cousin relationships is the total closeness without any se*ual tension. I would hate to have that hazy.

 

My kids are adopted. My 5 yr old said "I'm going to marry my brother someday." I told her no she wasn't, 'cause she needed him in her life as her unwavering support no matter what. And, that's what my cousins have been for me. That's the only reason I discourage it. To lose that closeness and support by going into a romantic relationship is a perceived loss to me.

[Paintedlady]

My dh's parents are first cousins. They didn't grow up knowing each other, but did know they were cousins when they started dating. I'll admit it freaked me out a bit when I first found out. Since then, I've done a bit of research and have found that throughout history, it was very common. I don't think about much any more.

[Cammie]

I will attempt to explain a little of what I know on this. In my dh's family tradition (not really excepted so much now), it was customary to be allowed to marry your mother's brother's kid (can't remember the rule right now on the father's side), but not your mother's sister's kid because their ancestry runs on a matriarichal (sp?) lineage. So, those cousins from your mother's brother's side aren't really considered family or something like that. All the family possessions (land, home etc) are passed down to the women of the family. So in order to keep land and ownership in the family, a male from the mother's brother's side can marry a female from the mother's sisters side.

 

This is not common in most parts of India since it is predominately patriarichal (again sp?) It is not heard of in my family (also Indian, btw, just from a different region). But India has many diverse cultures within itself so I can't speak for them all.

 

 

Of course you are right, India is too diverse to generalize! In my dh's community, mother's sisters are called (in their language) "small mother" and "big mother" depending on if they are younger or older to your own mother. I always felt that this symbolized a closer relationship than "aunt." Therefore you couldn't marry your "small mother's" daughters any more than you can marry your own mother's daughters. Of course, it probably all does come down to property rights and such!

 

The interesting thing is, you really don't see the scale of genetic conditions you would expect to see given that Indians have been marrying cousins for ever as far as I can tell! So there must be something to the whole "cross-cousin" thing.

[keptwoman]

My DH and I are 2nd cousins. Our families were very close when we were growing up, although we didn't have much to do with each other specifically, I tended to spend my time with his sister. We like to tell people that our children look perfectly normal now that they have had their third eye removed. Our children also think it's hilarious to tell people they are not siblings, only 3rd cousins if they are bugging each other. :lol:

If you are going from a family dynamics standpoint it would be great if it worked out well. Obviously the stakes are higher but how many in-law issues would disappear if you already really , truly understood the family of your spouse, and they loved you? No choosing where to spend Christmas and you already know that grandma is nuts so you have a better idea of what you are getting into. - I'm just sayin'

It's true! Makes weddings cheaper too, less people to seat. :tongue_smilie:

[Mabelen]

Of course you are right, India is too diverse to generalize! In my dh's community, mother's sisters are called (in their language) "small mother" and "big mother" depending on if they are younger or older to your own mother. I always felt that this symbolized a closer relationship than "aunt." Therefore you couldn't marry your "small mother's" daughters any more than you can marry your own mother's daughters. Of course, it probably all does come down to property rights and such!

 

The interesting thing is, you really don't see the scale of genetic conditions you would expect to see given that Indians have been marrying cousins for ever as far as I can tell! So there must be something to the whole "cross-cousin" thing.

 

You guys are right, it must be about property and such. My dh is Tamil and in that language, the cousins you are not allowed to marry are not called cousins, but brothers and sisters. At first I thought all cousins were called brothers and sisters, then I realized only some were and that's when I found out this very important difference. And, yes, it is surprising that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of genetic conditions despite the marrying of cousins.

[MamaBirdX7]

That on the Patty Duke show that Patty and Cathy were double cousins? Is that why they looked so much alike...

[tex-mex]

Interestingly, very common in India as well with very little evidence of genetic problems. Here for most communities, the rule is that you can marry your cross-cousin. That means, a girl could marry her father's sister's son but not her father's brother's son. She could marry her mother's brother's son but not her mother's sister's son. It seems to work. Also, uncles marrying their neices is also fairly common here. I don't say I understand it...just saying it is fairly common.

 

That makes sense... some type of rare genetic disease can pass down directly via the mother to daughter (X-Linked).

[Cammie]

You guys are right, it must be about property and such. My dh is Tamil and in that language, the cousins you are not allowed to marry are not called cousins, but brothers and sisters. At first I thought all cousins were called brothers and sisters, then I realized only some were and that's when I found out this very important difference. And, yes, it is surprising that there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of genetic conditions despite the marrying of cousins.

 

 

Oh my goodness - I never put that together!:001_huh: I don't know why I didn't catch that! My dh also had "cousin-brothers' and "cousin-sisters" and just old plain cousins. I never thoght to ask why but I am sure you are right! Thank you for that insight!

[sleepymommy]

In my dh's community, mother's sisters are called (in their language) "small mother" and "big mother" depending on if they are younger or older to your own mother. I always felt that this symbolized a closer relationship than "aunt." Therefore you couldn't marry your "small mother's" daughters any more than you can marry your own mother's daughters.

 

 

Oh my goodness - I never put that together!:001_huh: I don't know why I didn't catch that! My dh also had "cousin-brothers' and "cousin-sisters" and just old plain cousins. I never thoght to ask why but I am sure you are right! Thank you for that insight!

 

Yes, it's the same for my dh's community too! See for my family all cousins were cousin-sister, cousin-brothers and Aunts are just aunts, no other special name. But those distinctions are so necessary in other communities.

 

Cammie and Mabelen- do the mother's in your dh's family have "family" names too? It's usually their middle name and is passed down to the children, I believe in my dh's case, their family name was the name of the home of his grandmother. Having the family name ensures that you will not marry someone else within the family name since it's passed down from the mother.

 

(Dh marrying me kinda through a wrench in the whole passing down the family name thing!)

[Laura Corin]

The UK allows first cousins to marry and in some communities it's very common. Recent research suggests that previous fears about birth defects have been exaggerated - there is some effect, but it's not as great as previously thought. I would not consider it incest, but I would still think it unwise if children were envisaged.

 

Laura

[Audrey]

Does your state allow first cousins to marry? Would you think of first cousin marriage as incest or not? Would it be ok if the people were not planning to have any children?

 

 

All I have to do is look around the tiny towns around me to know that people need to quit wading in the shallow end of the gene pool.:glare: It truly is sad when cousins marry.