S/O of S/O I've noticed that when adults correct behavior in other kids

[Lisa R.]

when that behavior is, in fact, not in need of correcting, it is often because the adult and child have very different personalities. So, I know this is a little obvious, but let me explain my point.

 

In one of the previous posts, a scoutmaster seemed irritated at the poster's ds and was attempting to correct or train him to act differently. In the past, when I've seen this happen, it is when the child is outgoing and confident. I've seen this irritate some adults, even when the confident child is respectful and considerate. Some people, adults and children alike, are intimidated by very confident people. I have a very confident child. She conversed with adults frequently and at a young age. The confident and outgoing adults always enjoyed this. I frequently received high praise from them regarding this dd. I did notice that some of the more reserved adults did not appreciate dd as much. They didn't share her outgoing personality and seemed to have a hard time understanding how someone so young could act as she did.

 

Here's the opposite situation. I was the confident but reserved child that was encouraged and prodded by outgoing adults to "be more involved." "Talk more." "Speak up!" While I was content to watch at a distance, some wanted me to, essentially, change my personality to be a more outgoing person than I was.

 

Here's the thing: if a outgoing, confident child is not being rude (i.e. acting prideful, especially towards adults) and the reserved child is not acting snobbishly (i.e. using their shyness as an excuse to ignore genuinely friendly people) I think adults should *respect the personalities of kids who do not share their personality.*

 

Whew, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

[patchfire]

:iagree:

[chaik76]

:iagree:

Me too!

[Rosie_0801]

You can't win 'em all, as the saying goes...

 

Rosie

[Joanne]

I tend to agree with you.

 

Except......

 

I value calm, quiet, non frantic, non frenzied movement. A bouncy, moving, jumping, wild child.......well, then I don't agree with you quiet as much.;)

[Joker]

I agree. And really, why can't people just accept the fact that not everyone has the same personality? What a dull world it would be if we all did.

 

:iagree: I have one outgoing and one very reserved dd and I wish people would let them be who they are. Some don't realize that when they talk about how quiet and shy a child is - in front of them - that it really doesn't help.

[KarenNC]

I value calm, quiet, non frantic, non frenzied movement. A bouncy, moving, jumping, wild child.......well, then I don't agree with you quiet as much.;)

 

I think there's also a difference between "letting them be who they are" (which I agree is a good thing and should be respected as much as possible) and using "who they are" as a reason for not expecting their behavior to adapt to the situation (ie, that different settings require different behavior *of the child* rather than expecting every situation to be endlessly accepting of any behavior that might occur to the child and regardless of its effect on all the other kids in the group). This is the reason I have decided I am not suited to teaching certain groups of children in some situations. We have had some very, very physical, very wide open kids (more so when they were a bit younger when I made this decision) whose parents seemed to have no interest in reining them in in *any* situation in the name of "not stifling their personalities" or "that's just who they are". I have decided I am not a good fit for trying to teach in that sort of situation.

[Scarlett]

I tend to agree with you.

 

Except......

 

I value calm, quiet, non frantic, non frenzied movement. A bouncy, moving, jumping, wild child.......well, then I don't agree with you quiet as much.;)

 

Yes. I totally get this. And in fact, You've put your finger on something I've been unable to identify about my ds9. He is soooooooooooo bright, very engaging, but sometimes doesn't know when to STOP. Or speak at a lower volume. You know. Those things.

[Mimm]

And I would say that people in general need to be careful when they see a child act "snobbishly". I was accused of that as a child and teenager on several occasions and could not for the life of me figure out what it was that I was doing that was snobbish. I was the quiet and reserved person, tended to be very private. But I was always nice, never put anyone down or talked bad about people. I'm convinced the tiny town my parents move us to when I was in my early teens is so socially stunted that it's impossible for anyone halfway normal to fit in there. :)

[Laurie4b]

 

In one of the previous posts, a scoutmaster seemed irritated at the poster's ds and was attempting to correct or train him to act differently. In the past, when I've seen this happen, it is when the child is outgoing and confident. I've seen this irritate some adults, even when the confident child is respectful and considerate. .

 

Some of that is a generational/cultural thing, not just a personality thing. Both my parents are confident and outgoing; however, they did not appreciate it when I was confident and outgoing in situations in which I was giving them info I did not think they had--they considered that very disrespectful. As a child, I was frequently punished while wondering what on earth was happening. It was not until adulthood that I really "got" that it was disrespectful in their minds to offer factual information that they did not already have about a situation. I got it when one of my children did the same thing and got a negative reaction. Of course I defended my child, but a lightbulb went on as well. (I guess I'm slow on the uptake.)

[hillfarm]

Deleted due to irrelevance...

Edited July 23, 2010 by hillfarm

[Barry Goldwater]

He was clearly in dire need of correction. His mother wouldn't, the librarians aren't allowed, the other patrons were afraid.

 

 

 

Sometimes you find you are the only grownup in the room...

 

 

I too have had children considered 'impetuous' because they can easily hold up their end of a conversation with an adult. :confused:

 

But they don't barge into a conversation between just 2 adults (anymore :)).

[DianeW88]

I think there's also a difference between "letting them be who they are" (which I agree is a good thing and should be respected as much as possible) and using "who they are" as a reason for not expecting their behavior to adapt to the situation (ie, that different settings require different behavior *of the child* rather than expecting every situation to be endlessly accepting of any behavior that might occur to the child and regardless of its effect on all the other kids in the group). This is the reason I have decided I am not suited to teaching certain groups of children in some situations. We have had some very, very physical, very wide open kids (more so when they were a bit younger when I made this decision) whose parents seemed to have no interest in reining them in in *any* situation in the name of "not stifling their personalities" or "that's just who they are". I have decided I am not a good fit for trying to teach in that sort of situation.

 

:iagree: Just because a child is outgoing or confident does not give them the right to interrupt or insert themselves into adult conversations that did not originally include them, to monopolize the discussion in a homeschool group, or to insist that all attention be paid to them, simply because they don't know when it is appropriate for them to sit down and be quiet. I'm not accusing anyone's child of this behavior, obviously, but I am saying that I have seen this before in other people's children and it is neither cute nor endearing....it's obnoxious. And there is a difference between a confident child and an obnoxious one. Unfortunately, their parents don't always seem to be aware of this. :glare: It's one of the reasons we no longer participate in homeschool groups.

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

[simka2]

I despise when people take it upon themselves to parent my kids. Even if my kids are in the wrong or behaveing poorly. This infuriates me!!!!

 

Now when someone comes up to me and says, "I'm not sure you realize that your son is climbing the shelves...having a water fight in the drinking fountain..." I respect that...and will quickly get my children under control.

 

It is my belife that unknown adults have no buisness talking to children without first talking to the parent.

[lionfamily1999]

Sometimes you find you are the only grownup in the room...

 

 

I too have had children considered 'impetuous' because they can easily hold up their end of a conversation with an adult. :confused:

 

But they don't barge into a conversation between just 2 adults (anymore :)).

:iagree:

 

Also, no one's mentioning forcing the "shy" child to interract... Well, it took me YEARS (like nearly 30) before I figured out that I could go up and say hello, or dance, or be frivolous, or silly. I see my children struggling with the same things and I KNOW they are missing out and I know that they know they are missing out. Ime, sometimes you just have to be pushed before you can find out that other people are not as cruel or scary as you might think.

 

Ironically, our personalities don't clash, but I know how my kids feel and I know I can leave them alone and when they hit around 30 they'll figure out themselves it's alright to have fun in public with large groups of people. All the same, there's a lot of life (and fun with large groups) that gets missed in the mean time.

[smrtmama]

I really don't like it when adults correct my children if I'm there, regardless of the thing they believe needs correcting. They should run it by me. It might be that I'm fine with my kid ignoring their kid, you know? I don't force my child to socialize.

[2cents]

when that behavior is, in fact, not in need of correcting, it is often because the adult and child have very different personalities. So, I know this is a little obvious, but let me explain my point.

 

In one of the previous posts, a scoutmaster seemed irritated at the poster's ds and was attempting to correct or train him to act differently. In the past, when I've seen this happen, it is when the child is outgoing and confident. I've seen this irritate some adults, even when the confident child is respectful and considerate. Some people, adults and children alike, are intimidated by very confident people. I have a very confident child. She conversed with adults frequently and at a young age. The confident and outgoing adults always enjoyed this. I frequently received high praise from them regarding this dd. I did notice that some of the more reserved adults did not appreciate dd as much. They didn't share her outgoing personality and seemed to have a hard time understanding how someone so young could act as she did.

 

Here's the opposite situation. I was the confident but reserved child that was encouraged and prodded by outgoing adults to "be more involved." "Talk more." "Speak up!" While I was content to watch at a distance, some wanted me to, essentially, change my personality to be a more outgoing person than I was.

 

Here's the thing: if a outgoing, confident child is not being rude (i.e. acting prideful, especially towards adults) and the reserved child is not acting snobbishly (i.e. using their shyness as an excuse to ignore genuinely friendly people) I think adults should *respect the personalities of kids who do not share their personality.*

 

Whew, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

 

:iagree: I think adults that get annoyed are probably a little intimidated or jealous that their own children may lack that kind of confidence.

[Snickerdoodle]

I did notice that some of the more reserved adults did not appreciate dd as much. They didn't share her outgoing personality and seemed to have a hard time understanding how someone so young could act as she did.

 

Perhaps they understood perfectly well how she could be so confident but just didn't feel like chitty chatting with your dd.

 

Believe me, I take my kids to the park so I can get a break from them, not so I can chitty chat with other people's kids.

 

:o

[Geek]

Perhaps they understood perfectly well how she could be so confident but just didn't feel like chitty chatting with your dd.

 

Believe me, I take my kids to the park so I can get a break from them, not so I can chitty chat with other people's kids.

 

:o

I agree.

 

I don't think it's necessarily a matter of making the outgoing, confident child be someone else. It's a matter of teaching him or her boundaries. They have every right to be themselves, and I have every right to not have my ear talked off by someone else's child. My own children exhaust me and I really don't want to have to deal with someone else's, and when I'm having an adult conversation I'd like it to remain an adult conversation. When outgoing, mature children start hanging on to the adults (and even interjecting comments from time to time), I am sure my irritation shows on my face more than I'd like.

 

I'm not entirely sure that's what you meant, though, Lisa R.

[Anne in CA]

I may be the poster you are thinking of where the scoutmaster was being hard on my son for no apparent reason, even bothering other parents and scouts. I am thankful to say that was resolved well. I do still think that my son's personality was to blame, because he is confident and that does bother people. Also he did not seem repentant after he was corrected for things he did not view as wrong. That does anger people.

 

I absolutely agree that I am parenting my own children, thank you very much. I don't let them hurt others, or spoil situations with bad behavior. It is fine to call something to my attention, it is not fine to lecture them about things that others don't like (independence for instance) that I am actually trying to cultivate in them.

[Supertechmom]

I agree.

 

I don't think it's necessarily a matter of making the outgoing, confident child be someone else. It's a matter of teaching him or her boundaries. They have every right to be themselves, and I have every right to not have my ear talked off by someone else's child. My own children exhaust me and I really don't want to have to deal with someone else's, and when I'm having an adult conversation I'd like it to remain an adult conversation. When outgoing, mature children start hanging on to the adults (and even interjecting comments from time to time), I am sure my irritation shows on my face more than I'd like.

 

I'm not entirely sure that's what you meant, though, Lisa R.

 

And I've decided that I can tell a child in this situation, "HEy, go play with the other kids this is mom time! Scat cat" But then there are times when it is quite all right for a child that does have knowledge about something I don't to enlighten me. Just not at my only time to be adult LOL!

[KarenNC]

I despise when people take it upon themselves to parent my kids. Even if my kids are in the wrong or behaveing poorly. This infuriates me!!!!

 

Now when someone comes up to me and says, "I'm not sure you realize that your son is climbing the shelves...having a water fight in the drinking fountain..." I respect that...and will quickly get my children under control.

 

It is my belife that unknown adults have no buisness talking to children without first talking to the parent.

 

That would work *if the other adults can identify the child's parent.* In many of these situations, the only way I could have identified a parent without speaking to the child would have been to stand up and yell, "Who is responsible for this misbehaving child?" No adult in the situation appeared to be paying the least bit of attention to the child's behavior, so it wasn't possible to determine who was theoretically the responsible adult.

 

I had a situation at our pool a couple of years ago when my daughter was about 7. A girl twice her size repeatedly, under the guise of "playing" with a group of kids, was shoving my daughter's head under the water and trying to hold her down. The lifeguard intervened twice, and the girl stopped briefly. No parent in evidence. As the lifeguard was handling it, I did not intervene at that point, though you had better believe that every time the lifeguard's whistle blows I am checking to make sure *I* don't need to call *my* kid out of the water if she misbehaves. The lifeguard should have kicked the girl out of the pool, IMO, but that didn't happen.

 

The third time, the lifeguard didn't see it, so I spoke to the child, calmly but very directly telling her to quit trying to drown my child (and telling my child to get to the other side of the pool away from the other girl). Only then did the mother appear from wherever she had been and proceed to ream me out for "yelling" at her child and that I should have come to her first. I told her I would have gladly done so had it appeared that any adult was actually in charge of that child the two times the lifeguard had to call her down for trying to drown other kids and that I had not yelled. She said, "I saw my child's face." My reply was that I was glad she could see her daughter's face; my child's face was being held under water by her child. The other parent had no apparent concern that her daughter was bullying other kids in this manner, only that I had dared to speak to her kid. I'm sure she did see the look of "oh no, an adult is actually paying attention" on her kid's face.

[MorganClassicalPrep]

I had a situation in the library recently...

 

But first let me say, I am not one to intervene with other people's children. I don't usually get involved with situations that don't involve me. It annoys me when people try to parent my daughter. (She's very shy, and people often try to force her into situations she isn't comfortable with... "Go play with those kids" or talking to her for longer than she is comfortable with, and of course "You should send her to school so she isn't so shy" :glare:)

 

So anyways... we were at the library and DD was on the children's computers playing a game. I was about 5 feet away looking at the care and teaching books, which are located in the area of the library with all the puzzles and coloring stuff for kids. Behind me I hear "You know, you really are a b***h." I turn around and this is coming out of the mouth of a 5-6 year old boy!! :blink: I said nothing, just continued to look for my books. Then I went over and sat by DD for awhile. A few minutes later I noticed the little boy taking books off the shelves and putting them on the floor, stacking movies in the book shelves, running around, pushing down a little 2 year old.... all with no parent in sight. So I went and got in line to speak to the librarian about it, so she was aware of what was going on, and while I was in line I saw this little boy walk up to my DD, take the headphones right off her head, take the mouse from her, and then try to push her off the computer. Um... oh no you didn't! I went over and took the headphones and mouse back, and told the little boy that he needed to go sit down and wait his turn, and to stay away from my daughter.

 

Eventually the librarian located the adult in charge. It was a daycare provider. On the other side of the library. As in, completely out of view from the children's section. -sigh-

[Tap]

:iagree: Just because a child is outgoing or confident does not give them the right to interrupt or insert themselves into adult conversations that did not originally include them, to monopolize the discussion in a homeschool group, or to insist that all attention be paid to them, simply because they don't know when it is appropriate for them to sit down and be quiet. I'm not accusing anyone's child of this behavior, obviously, but I am saying that I have seen this before in other people's children and it is neither cute nor endearing....it's obnoxious. And there is a difference between a confident child and an obnoxious one. Unfortunately, their parents don't always seem to be aware of this. :glare: It's one of the reasons we no longer participate in homeschool groups.

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

 

Perhaps they understood perfectly well how she could be so confident but just didn't feel like chitty chatting with your dd.

 

Believe me, I take my kids to the park so I can get a break from them, not so I can chitty chat with other people's kids.

 

:o

 

I agree.

 

I don't think it's necessarily a matter of making the outgoing, confident child be someone else. It's a matter of teaching him or her boundaries. They have every right to be themselves, and I have every right to not have my ear talked off by someone else's child. My own children exhaust me and I really don't want to have to deal with someone else's, and when I'm having an adult conversation I'd like it to remain an adult conversation. When outgoing, mature children start hanging on to the adults (and even interjecting comments from time to time), I am sure my irritation shows on my face more than I'd like.

 

I'm not entirely sure that's what you meant, though, Lisa R.

 

And I've decided that I can tell a child in this situation, "HEy, go play with the other kids this is mom time! Scat cat" But then there are times when it is quite all right for a child that does have knowledge about something I don't to enlighten me. Just not at my only time to be adult LOL!

 

:iagree:

 

Just because a child is confident and educated, doesn't meant that I want to have a conversation with them. I don't want to have to use my 'in-front-of-children' voice or tone. I don't want to have to model good behavior or be extra kid-polite. I just want to talk to adults about adult topics, without a child in attendance.

 

Just because a child is articulate doesn't mean they belong in an adult conversation.

 

I have articulate, educated, confident children who can carry on conversations with adults and hold their own. But, I don't expect adults to treat my kids like mini-adults....because they are still young teens.

[TX Bluebonnet]

:iagree:

 

Just because a child is confident and educated, doesn't meant that I want to have a conversation with them. I don't want to have to use my 'in-front-of-children' voice or tone. I don't want to have to model good behavior or be extra kid-polite. I just want to talk to adults about adult topics, without a child in attendance.

 

 

 

If a child wants to talk to you why would you not want to talk to them?? Why would you not want to model good behavior? If there are children in the vicinity what is it that you would be saying or doing that is so important that you couldn't take the time to be courteous? After all, "a person's a person, no matter how small." - Horton the Elephant

 

I am not trying to be snotty, I would truly like to understand this. My ds7 is very outgoing and makes friends everywhere we go. Occasionally an adult refuses to engage in conversation and ds asks why. I usually tell him the person may be shy, having a bad day or is just plain rude depending on the impression I got. Overwhelmingly the response is that people will carry on a conversation with him and tell me how smart he is. Of course I can't take credit for that, he was born that way.

[lionfamily1999]

If a child wants to talk to you why would you not want to talk to them?? Why would you not want to model good behavior? If there are children in the vicinity what is it that you would be saying or doing that is so important that you couldn't take the time to be courteous? After all, "a person's a person, no matter how small." - Horton the Elephant

 

I am not trying to be snotty, I would truly like to understand this. My ds7 is very outgoing and makes friends everywhere we go. Occasionally an adult refuses to engage in conversation and ds asks why. I usually tell him the person may be shy, having a bad day or is just plain rude depending on the impression I got. Overwhelmingly the response is that people will carry on a conversation with him and tell me how smart he is. Of course I can't take credit for that, he was born that way.

I can't answer for the other poster, but for me....... I talk to children all day. In most of my volunteer activities I'm talking to children. Sometimes, I just want to talk to a grown-up, a peer. Yes, children are people too, but with children there are a great many topics off limits to anyone besides their parents or people their parents have approved of. I'm not going to discuss my beliefs, or my period, or my marraige, or medical issues, or politics, or a host of other subjects with someone else's child.

[Snickerdoodle]

If a child wants to talk to you why would you not want to talk to them??

 

I think it's just a matter of knowing your audience. Just because someone feels chatty does not obligate other people to engage in conversation.

[simka2]

That would work *if the other adults can identify the child's parent.* In many of these situations, the only way I could have identified a parent without speaking to the child would have been to stand up and yell, "Who is responsible for this misbehaving child?" No adult in the situation appeared to be paying the least bit of attention to the child's behavior, so it wasn't possible to determine who was theoretically the responsible adult.

 

I had a situation at our pool a couple of years ago when my daughter was about 7. A girl twice her size repeatedly, under the guise of "playing" with a group of kids, was shoving my daughter's head under the water and trying to hold her down. The lifeguard intervened twice, and the girl stopped briefly. No parent in evidence. As the lifeguard was handling it, I did not intervene at that point, though you had better believe that every time the lifeguard's whistle blows I am checking to make sure *I* don't need to call *my* kid out of the water if she misbehaves. The lifeguard should have kicked the girl out of the pool, IMO, but that didn't happen.

 

The third time, the lifeguard didn't see it, so I spoke to the child, calmly but very directly telling her to quit trying to drown my child (and telling my child to get to the other side of the pool away from the other girl). Only then did the mother appear from wherever she had been and proceed to ream me out for "yelling" at her child and that I should have come to her first. I told her I would have gladly done so had it appeared that any adult was actually in charge of that child the two times the lifeguard had to call her down for trying to drown other kids and that I had not yelled. She said, "I saw my child's face." My reply was that I was glad she could see her daughter's face; my child's face was being held under water by her child. The other parent had no apparent concern that her daughter was bullying other kids in this manner, only that I had dared to speak to her kid. I'm sure she did see the look of "oh no, an adult is actually paying attention" on her kid's face.

 

I am definately not referring to behavior that puts other kids at risk!!! In those cases the situation needs to be made safe and then the parent addressed. I've actually had similar situation, but I went to the child and asked her to point out her mom...then I went and spoke with the mother.

 

For me there is a huge difference between behaviour that is dangerous...and behaviour that is just considered rude or inappropriate. :)

[Jean in Newcastle]

If a child wants to talk to you why would you not want to talk to them?? Why would you not want to model good behavior? If there are children in the vicinity what is it that you would be saying or doing that is so important that you couldn't take the time to be courteous? After all, "a person's a person, no matter how small." - Horton the Elephant

 

I am not trying to be snotty, I would truly like to understand this. My ds7 is very outgoing and makes friends everywhere we go. Occasionally an adult refuses to engage in conversation and ds asks why. I usually tell him the person may be shy, having a bad day or is just plain rude depending on the impression I got. Overwhelmingly the response is that people will carry on a conversation with him and tell me how smart he is. Of course I can't take credit for that, he was born that way.

 

I have to admit that I had the same question (and have had in the past too when this subject has come up). Now, if I'm sitting with a woman and she's telling me her latest UTI woes or marital woes etc., I will politely tell my kids that now is not a good time for them to be joining the conversation and could they please give us some privacy.

[TX Bluebonnet]

I can't answer for the other poster, but for me....... I talk to children all day. In most of my volunteer activities I'm talking to children. Sometimes, I just want to talk to a grown-up, a peer. Yes, children are people too, but with children there are a great many topics off limits to anyone besides their parents or people their parents have approved of. I'm not going to discuss my beliefs, or my period, or my marraige, or medical issues, or politics, or a host of other subjects with someone else's child.

 

I agree with this completely. But why would you talk about those things when kids are around anyway? We all know kids are listening when it seems otherwise. I would never talk about private matters such as you listed in public.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it's just a matter of knowing your audience. Just because someone feels chatty does not obligate other people to engage in conversation.

 

I'm sorry but I am not going to cut my neighbor off because I don't feel chatty and I'm not going to do so to a child either. I may however, gently bring the conversation to a polite close after a few minutes and excuse myself to do something else.

[Mrs Mungo]

I agree with this completely. But why would you talk about those things when kids are around anyway? We all know kids are listening when it seems otherwise. I would never talk about private matters such as you listed in public.

 

:confused: Kids are ALWAYS around. "Go play kids, time for grown-up talk," is a phrase I often use with my kids. Am I not allowed to have friends or talk to them just because I have kids?

[TX Bluebonnet]

I have to admit that I had the same question (and have had in the past too when this subject has come up). Now, if I'm sitting with a woman and she's telling me her latest UTI woes or marital woes etc., I will politely tell my kids that now is not a good time for them to be joining the conversation and could they please give us some privacy.

 

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

[Snickerdoodle]

I'm sorry but I am not going to cut my neighbor off because I don't feel chatty and I'm not going to do so to a child either. I may however, gently bring the conversation to a polite close after a few minutes and excuse myself to do something else.

 

I never said anything about being rude. Most people give subtle but polite signals that they do not want to engage in lengthy conversations with someone.

[TX Bluebonnet]

:confused: Kids are ALWAYS around. "Go play kids, time for grown-up talk," is a phrase I often use with my kids. Am I not allowed to have friends or talk to them just because I have kids?

 

Well, obviously you are allowed to do what ever you like. "Go play kids, time for grown-up talk," seems to be a perfectly reasonable request. A few posters just gave me the impression that they have to listen to their kids all day so at no point do they want to have to listen to other children babble. That seems sad to me because my ds has gained so much on so many occasions from conversations he had with complete strangers. I like to think that some of those people gained something too. Even if it was only a smile or laugh.

[lionfamily1999]

I agree with this completely. But why would you talk about those things when kids are around anyway? We all know kids are listening when it seems otherwise. I would never talk about private matters such as you listed in public.

Because, when dh and I go out with our friends and their families all kinds of adult topics come up and get discussed. As sweet as it is when ds tries to interject with some fun fact he learned about China, having him in a discussion on economies cripples the conversation.

 

It sounds like the other poster and myself discuss things you don't with other adults, and that's fine. Our position that we don't always want to speak with children then, fits quite well with our choices of conversations.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

:confused: Kids are ALWAYS around. "Go play kids, time for grown-up talk," is a phrase I often use with my kids. Am I not allowed to have friends or talk to them just because I have kids?

 

Thank you!! If I waited until there were no kids around then it would have to be a mom's night out situation, usually with a sitter. How many of us can afford that with any frequency, just to talk about a period concern, marital woes, etc? If you can't carry on a conversation with your MomFriends then time together with them would be VERY frustrating.

 

 

And, really, is it too much to ask to teach kids manners? To teach them that there is 'adult talking time' (which, as a matter of fact, typically coincides with "your friends are here so you can play together" time?!)

 

I agree with a pp that 'just because a kid is smart/articulate doesn't mean the I want them monopolizing adult conversations!'

[Mrs Mungo]

Well, obviously you are allowed to do what ever you like. "Go play kids, time for grown-up talk," seems to be a perfectly reasonable request. A few posters just gave me the impression that they have to listen to their kids all day so at no point do they want to have to listen to other children babble. That seems sad to me because my ds has gained so much on so many occasions from conversations he had with complete strangers. I like to think that some of those people gained something too. Even if it was only a smile or laugh.

 

That wasn't the impression I got from the posts *at all*. The point I got from the posts was "I talk to kids all day every day, when I'm around grown-ups I should be allowed to have an adult conversation without my own child or another child butting in." I think that is a valid wish. Even when I'm with a group of extremely smart, well-educated, well-mannered teenagers the moms sometimes shoo them away so that the moms can talk.

 

Because, when dh and I go out with our friends and their families all kinds of adult topics come up and get discussed. As sweet as it is when ds tries to interject with some fun fact he learned about China, having him in a discussion on economies cripples the conversation.

 

It sounds like the other poster and myself discuss things you don't with other adults, and that's fine. Our position that we don't always want to speak with children then, fits quite well with our choices of conversations.

 

:iagree:

[lionfamily1999]

I'm sorry but I am not going to cut my neighbor off because I don't feel chatty and I'm not going to do so to a child either. I may however, gently bring the conversation to a polite close after a few minutes and excuse myself to do something else.

I must have read the original post differently. I did not get the impression she cut kids off, I was under the impression she expressed a preference for adult conversation when she had that choice.

Well, obviously you are allowed to do what ever you like. "Go play kids, time for grown-up talk," seems to be a perfectly reasonable request. A few posters just gave me the impression that they have to listen to their kids all day so at no point do they want to have to listen to other children babble. That seems sad to me because my ds has gained so much on so many occasions from conversations he had with complete strangers. I like to think that some of those people gained something too. Even if it was only a smile or laugh.

How did you go from, sometimes adults want to talk to other adults all the way to never listening to children because they babble?

 

N/m, you've obviously decided any adult crazy enough to not feel like engaging a child in conversation at the child's whim must be evil incarnate.

[TX Bluebonnet]

I must have read the original post differently. I did not get the impression she cut kids off, I was under the impression she expressed a preference for adult conversation when she had that choice.

How did you go from, sometimes adults want to talk to other adults all the way to never listening to children because they babble?

 

N/m, you've obviously decided any adult crazy enough to not feel like engaging a child in conversation at the child's whim must be evil incarnate.

 

What.ever.

[DianeW88]

If a child wants to talk to you why would you not want to talk to them?? Why would you not want to model good behavior? If there are children in the vicinity what is it that you would be saying or doing that is so important that you couldn't take the time to be courteous? After all, "a person's a person, no matter how small." - Horton the Elephant

 

I am not trying to be snotty, I would truly like to understand this. My ds7 is very outgoing and makes friends everywhere we go. Occasionally an adult refuses to engage in conversation and ds asks why. I usually tell him the person may be shy, having a bad day or is just plain rude depending on the impression I got. Overwhelmingly the response is that people will carry on a conversation with him and tell me how smart he is. Of course I can't take credit for that, he was born that way.

 

Because sometimes adults just simply don't want to have to do all of those things all the time. In our child-centered culture I think we sometimes forget that children do not need to be catered to and indulged in every one of their whims.

 

Suppose a child is in the park and sees an adult sitting by themselves on a bench. The adult may be there because they wanted some peace and quiet or a few moments to themselves. And, we have no idea what is going on in that particular adult's life. Suppose they've just received devastating news about a family member? Heard a loved one had been diagnosed with a serious illness? Found out their spouse was having an affair? Lost their job? The fact is, they are not obligated to chit chat with everyone's child who approaches them and they certainly don't owe anyone an explanation as to why. I wouldn't necessarily label the adult "rude" in that situation. They simply don't want to talk.

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

[Mrs Mungo]

And, really, is it too much to ask to teach kids manners? To teach them that there is 'adult talking time' (which, as a matter of fact, typically coincides with "your friends are here so you can play together" time?!)

 

I agree with a pp that 'just because a kid is smart/articulate doesn't mean the I want them monopolizing adult conversations!'

 

:iagree: Understand, my 14 year old read The Odyssey when she was 8. She tests in the top 1%. The head of the drama school says she has a "deliciously dry wit." She's smart, she's funny, she's articulate. But it would not be appropriate for me to talk to her about some things, she is my CHILD, not my FRIEND.

[Danestress]

To me, I am investing in relationships. But I don't invest in relationships with every person I run across. I want to know my friends' children better, and would want to chat with them if they want to chat with me. I really like kids and am patient with them.

 

But I don't want to chat with kids at the park who I hardly know. I don't care how smart and cute they are. I often just want to have peace and for me it takes more energy to talk to children, for whatever reason. This isn't an excuse to be rude or unkind. I would be polite and probably chat anyway. But I would find it tiresome.

[OnTheBrink]

Because sometimes adults just simply don't want to have to do all of those things all the time. In our child-centered culture I think we sometimes forget that children do not need to be catered to and indulged in every one of their whims.

 

Suppose a child is in the park and sees an adult sitting by themselves on a bench. The adult may be there because they wanted some peace and quiet or a few moments to themselves. And, we have no idea what is going on in that particular adult's life. Suppose they've just received devastating news about a family member? Heard a loved one had been diagnosed with a serious illness? Found out their spouse was having an affair? Lost their job? The fact is, they are not obligated to chit chat with everyone's child who approaches them and they certainly don't owe anyone an explanation as to why. I wouldn't necessarily label the adult "rude" in that situation. They simply don't want to talk.

 

Diane W.

married for 22 years

homeschooling 3 kiddos for 16 years

 

Amen amen amen!

[Jean in Newcastle]

When I was growing up, we learned how to be involved in discussions of religion, philosophy, the arts etc. by being included in adult conversations. Of course, only those who could legitimately add to those conversations were really welcome. To me, this would include "young adults" or teenagers. If we were discussing something and someone added a non sequitor, it would have been a signal that that child was not old enough to join in that particular conversation. The parent would have gently redirected the child and perhaps asked him to listen only or to go play with the other children. If you come to my house, this is the way it is at our dinner table or around the coffee table in our living room. Children are encouraged to take part in the "grand conversation" or at least to learn from it. I actually am more dismayed at parents who bring their kids and then dismiss them as if my kids are then supposed to entertain them exclusively without being able to learn from the adults.

 

Now if it is a co-op situation or a church fellowship were people are standing around in groups talking, there is a certain etiquette. If you notice two people deep in discussion in a corner, even adults should not barge in (though I've known those who do). If a child or an adult came up to me with a genuine need, I might answer them quickly or direct them to someone who could help them. If a child or an adult came up to me just to chat when we were already having a serious discussion, I would gently tell them that now was not a good time.

 

There is also a certain etiquette if groups are standing around talking about nothing in particular. In that case, whoever comes up to join is fair game. If the socially awkward mom came up to join us, we would graciously include her even if there might be an inward groan. Same for a child or young person. I want my children to be welcome to join in such groups to learn the social dynamics of group interactions.

 

If I've invited a harried mom over for a specifically "Moms only" time, then I make it clear to all the children at the start. I will tell them, "The moms are going to talk right now. We just need some time to be by ourselves. Please play but do feel free to call me if you really need me." I would not consider it fair to not let the children and young people know the social rules of this particular situation.

[Mrs Mungo]

Jean, I don't think anyone is suggesting that one should NEVER engage kids/teens in a conversation, even a serious conversation.

[lionfamily1999]

Right, Mrs. Mungo, just that it is alright to exclude children from some conversations.

[KidsHappen]

If a child wants to talk to you why would you not want to talk to them?? Why would you not want to model good behavior? If there are children in the vicinity what is it that you would be saying or doing that is so important that you couldn't take the time to be courteous? After all, "a person's a person, no matter how small." - Horton the Elephant

 

I am not trying to be snotty, I would truly like to understand this. My ds7 is very outgoing and makes friends everywhere we go. Occasionally an adult refuses to engage in conversation and ds asks why. I usually tell him the person may be shy, having a bad day or is just plain rude depending on the impression I got. Overwhelmingly the response is that people will carry on a conversation with him and tell me how smart he is. Of course I can't take credit for that, he was born that way.

 

I am anti-social, bi-polar and don't play well with others but I don't wear a sign advertising the fact. Most normal adults are able to figure it out fairly quickly and keep their distance. Your precocious 7 year probably won't and I am quite sure you don't want me explaining it to him. I am not trying to be snarky either but people have their reasons for not wanting to engage with other people and children do need to be socialized to that fact.

[Snickerdoodle]

I think Jean is saying the same thing as everyone else here; namely, there are rules of etiquette for social interactions.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Jean, I don't think anyone is suggesting that one should NEVER engage kids/teens in a conversation, even a serious conversation.

 

Right, Mrs. Mungo, just that it is alright to exclude children from some conversations.

 

My point is that when I know up front that I'm going to be in that sort of situation, I let them know. Or if it comes up unexpectedly (the unexpected unburdening of the soul), I let them know gently at that time. I do not think it is fair to make them guess at whether they will be welcomed by adults. And I don't think it is fair to expect that they will get subtle cues and to be annoyed if they don't. There are polite ways to let them know that while they aren't welcome right now, it is a special situation that doesn't mean that they should never interact with adults.