This is about DD's new friend & there is a problem

[calandalsmom]

I have compassion for her, otherwise this would not be a problem.

 

I have spoken to the guidance counselor at school about the girl's situation. They are fully aware of it, and more she could not say. She did say there was no need for me to contact child services, and that the child would be given a warm coat for winter.

 

Im not sure the school guidance counselor is allowed to say to you that you shouldnt call child services.

[homeschoolin'mygirls]

you could initiate a friendship "slow-down" because of cultural differences? You know, as in we're used to friendships moving a lot slower, in Boston we were used to getting to know one another slowly over time--- we're still adjusting, ----

 

Blaming it on a difference in temperament, culture etc. but bottom line you setting some strong limits on the friendship time. Maybe getting together 2-3 times a week with your supervision--possibly even an organized outing (going to library & ice cream, church, going to park for walk, etc) versus a hang-out at home type situation.

 

I would personally have some difficulty with the intensity of her involvement in my family's life,and the intensity that she wants you to be involved in her life.

 

I'm not sure how I would handle her family crisis situation. I would like to think that my couch would always be open for her but in reality I'm not sure if I'd be available for a long term type of crisis relief, esp if I thought her presence might be harmful for my family.

 

The fact that all the male members of my family did not want her around would be a big factor in my decision as well.

 

Sounds like a difficult situation. I hope things work out in a way that benefits both your family and the friend.

 

Nandell

Edited September 25, 2009 by homeschoolin'mygirls

[RoughCollie]

Im not sure the school guidance counselor is allowed to say to you that you shouldnt call child services.

 

I think that she is probably required by law to report these cases herself and that she was hinting that steps have been taken already.

 

I have no intention of calling child services. I do not know enough about the situation to feel it is my moral responsibility to do that.

[RoughCollie]

I would personally have some difficulty with the intensity of her involvement in my family's life' date='and the intensity that she wants you to be involved in her life. [/quote']

 

My friends at our former home say this reminds them of a situation I got our family into about 10 years ago. I don't want to go there again.

 

Here's what happened. My kids' Sunday school teacher showed up at our house, uninvited. I did not know her except to say hi and thank you. She had had a big fight with her husband and wanted to stay with us for a couple of nights. She had nowhere else to turn, according to her. She left two *years* later.

 

She needed help. But where is the line drawn? I did not draw it strictly enough because it was extremely difficult to get her to leave when she did. I had to involve the pastor of our church in the matter because every time I told her she would have to make other arrangements, she would get depressed and become suicidal.

 

In the years since then, she has improved a lot and become much more independent. We are still friends.

 

Her background was similar to that of this girl, only she was an adult.

 

I don't want to get myself into that situation again. Our family has six members, not seven.

Edited September 25, 2009 by RoughCollie

[mirth]

DH and the boys want the girl to be told she can never come here again. She disrupts the harmony of our home. This house is at least 1000 s.f. smaller than our former home, which makes things difficult in that we are all squished in together.

 

If my husband were against any sort of visitor in our house, that would be it. If it were members of my actual side of the family, I would put up a fight. Anyone else, I would just say ok. Try to work something out outside of the home. I don't want a husband who doesn't want to come home because of something in it.

 

I read about your family's experience with boarding the chronically suicidal Sunday school teacher. Maybe the guys in the family just can't deal with this sort of thing again and this girl just looks too much like it.

Edited September 25, 2009 by mirth

[LauraGB]

All of a sudden, my junky day doesn't seem so bad anymore. You've gotten a lot of good advice, so I won't be able to add to that other than agreeing with the absolutely no way for sleepovers. Can you keep your dd busy with things during the times this girl likes to come over? Have to go shopping, have to do schoolwork, have to be ______ in 10 minutes? Possibly the friendship will just get old and fall by the wayside.

 

 

She has isues. You can lock her out and ignore her or you can choose to do the right thing.

 

That certainly sounds really good, and it sounds like the op is struggling with that, but she needs to protect her family first. I know the kind of families and people she is talking about. There may be a safety issue - this girl's dad sounds a little like a loose cannon. I wouldn't want him showing up on my doorstep for any reason.

 

And, am I correct to assume this girl is 14-ish? How in the world can she possibly know she is bi-sexual??? Gay - there may be some serious indication at that age to lay credence to a potential claim, but bi? The fact that she even told a new friend's mom this matter-of-factly is concerning as well.

[PineFarmMom]

 

That certainly sounds really good, and it sounds like the op is struggling with that, but she needs to protect her family first. I know the kind of families and people she is talking about. There may be a safety issue - this girl's dad sounds a little like a loose cannon. I wouldn't want him showing up on my doorstep for any reason.

 

 

 

:iagree: 100%. It is easy to look at one of these situations from the outside. I had some pretty cozy little dreams about handling some of the less-than-ideal situations that are around us and I've discovered that I really don't have the knowledge or ability at this point to handle it beyond setting firm boundaries, showing love when I can (making calls or talking to someone if necessary), and doing all I can to protect my own dc. If I look on and see a way to help that I know I need to do, I'll do it, but ultimately God put these kids in my home to raise and protect. I picture it like a circle that goes outward: First is God, then dh & my kids, then those outside. If I get any of that out of wack, then I'm not handling things the way I need to be.

[Remudamom]

I haven't read all the replies. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. It's easy for me to say that I'd cut her off because my kids have always been their own best friends. We live in an area just like yours. My kids just don't have any interest in the kids around here because they're not interested in tobacco spitting, uneducated, pregnant when they are 14 kids.

 

So, my kids are their own group. Really. Some might think that's pretty sad, but they are content, and haven't had any trouble adjusting to college life when it comes. My oldest is more appreciative of the great friends he has met in college, because he knows what crappy kids are like.

 

Of course, the downside is they'll go off, meet friends and possibly not want to come back to the isolation of the farm. I'm hoping they'll bring spouses back and our circle will grow.

 

And it's probably harder since you have only one dd. And she's in public school. We decided long ago that it would take the end of the world as we know it for ours to go. I'm not judging, I'm just saying that for us it is not an option, therefore we don't have the problem of outside influence.

 

That said, I'd still do everything in my power to keep them apart, or constantly supervised. You can't save one girl at the possible expense of your own. Plus potential problems for your boys. I know it's heartless, cold, unfeeling. You're in a bad spot.

 

I would tell them that you are going to homeschool and try to find activities they could do to help the extroverts. School isn't supposed to be a social function anyhow.

 

Also, I'm very sorry you are so unhappy in your new situation. You know, I moved from a BIG town to out here in the boonies and have loved it from day one.

 

Lastly, I wish you lived nearby. Our kids would be a perfect match.

[Cera]

Are you sure your daughter wants to be friends with her?

 

It may be that your daughter doesn't want to be mean and doesn't know how to gently extricate herself from this friendship that she really doesn't want/isn't comfortable with. I would start by sitting down with her and finding out if she really likes the other girl and what it is that draws her to the friendship.

 

Once you figure that out you can either set boundaries that allow the girls to spend time together or help your daughter develop some distance from the other girl.

[Audrey]

All the things you say she is claiming sound like cries for attention, not truths of her life. Lots of kids that age and with unfortunate home lives will do that. Somehow, in their minds, they are trying to impress you.

 

A little kindness goes a long way.

[texascamps]

As an alternative, if it doesn't damage your family, teach her manners and boundaries while she is at your house. If she is loud and obnoxious, just tell her gently, please talk at a low voice, please don't use such words, etc. You will have to repeat yourself and I don't know how much you want to take on, but it is worth a try if she is at your house anyway.

 

Could she study at your house while DD is studying? You could put her at the kitchen table and say that it is study time now and, if she wanted to stay, she would need to work.

 

The girl may be just craving the structure and rules at your house. I just read your reply about all the stuff that goes on at your house and how you just moved. Could you just fold her in to the routine? When you homeschool, she works on her school stuff. When you clean, she does some chores also. I know I am not at your house and situation, so I may not be making the greatest solutions.

 

(I got this idea from my friend who has 7 and has lots of teenagers at her house. She just brings them in. They practice modesty and if some girls show up with immodest shirts, she asks them to put on the sweatshirts/t-shirts on top if they want to stay. They put on the clothes. If they are cleaning and kids show up, she says that her kids will be free after chores and, if they wish, they can join her kids. Otherwise, they can come back. The kids help clean. She has posted rules in her mud room.)

 

 

:iagree:I would try this first? You may be the biggest positive impact she has. I do remember lots of kids in high school say they wer "Bi" but really just liked to say it... because its part of the new liberal free love culture.....

 

Let your daughter in on any plans that you have and your concerns...then she'll know what's going on if you happen to say "Gosh, we don't talk like that here." or "Please don't talk about that, we believe in the love between and a woman" or whatever.

 

LOVE LOVE LOVE.

 

Then you can always end the relationship later.

 

Honestly, I've only had a few issues like that with friends. But we always bring them into the family, make them adhere to our rules in our house but then they always are treated with love and hospitality once they are here.

[LittleIzumi]

 

One more point: Some of the most decent seeming people are not decent at all. They are sociopaths, con artists -- I've met a few and it is downright difficult to believe they are heinous criminals -- their victims had no clue.

 

Exactly. The farmers across the street you would rather your dd hang out with, might be rapists or sick in other ways, but you never mentioned having all these worries about their daughter. Perhaps it's coming across wrong through the monitor, but it *sounds* like you are expecting all sorts of horrible things from her and would rather lock the door & never let her in, because of her family and upbringing (and its resulting behavior) and looks, and about the others who have had a more relaxed upbringing in the area, but aren't expressing any concerns at all about the people who do seem more behaved in public. Maybe being around you and your children with some firm rules in place will teach her how to behave, as I'm sure she did not learn anything like that at home. IMO.

 

ETA: And I think almost all teenager "play" at being bi in high school, lol. I thought about it, and I'm so NOT, lol. It was just the thing to do, like checking out paganism and writing angsty poetry ;)

[Scarlett]

ETA: And I think almost all teenager "play" at being bi in high school, lol. I thought about it, and I'm so NOT, lol. It was just the thing to do, like checking out paganism and writing angsty poetry ;)

 

When did this become popular? I am 44 and never knew a single girl in school who played at or thought she was gay.

[Ottakee]

Coming in here a bit late. It does sound like this is a very needy girl. She might be having some abuse issues at home but we certainly can't tell that over the internet.

 

I would see about setting some very firm boundries--days/times she can come over, rules, etc. If she is going to be over more than occ. I would even put her to work--help with a few basic chores your dd does, etc.

 

Have you linked up with a local church yet? If so, maybe they could help reach out to her and get her to youth group activities, set her up with an adult mentor, etc. They might also know of local resources that might help her.

 

I am sure she needs a lot of help but I would also go into this with your eyes wide open---providing lots of supervision---no internet/phone at your house, doors always open, etc.

[sparrow]

 

ETA: And I think almost all teenager "play" at being bi in high school, lol. I thought about it, and I'm so NOT, lol. It was just the thing to do, like checking out paganism and writing angsty poetry ;)

 

When did this become popular? I am 44 and never knew a single girl in school who played at or thought she was gay.

 

Well, I'm 39 and I knew a few, but it was more freshmen in college. I guess it depends if you ran with the crowd that was writing angsty poetry OR dating the angsty poet :lol:.

[sparrow]

I had a friend like this in junior high. She also had a drunken "step dad". I remember thinking it so odd that this poor girl's life ambition was to be in Playboy:001_huh:. Really. My family was nice enough to her. She was allowed to come over, but I wasn't to leave her alone in my room because my mom didn't trust her not to steal. The situation was sad.

 

Sounds like your dd's friend is desperate for a stable family, even if that isn't what she thinks. Be kind :).

[LauraGB]

You can't save one girl at the possible expense of your own. Plus potential problems for your boys. I know it's heartless, cold, unfeeling. You're in a bad spot.

.

 

:iagree:So many posters have suggested that op needs to be kind and open her doors to help this child. If op feels compelled to do so, that is one thing. But the original question, as I understand, pertains to the relationship with her own daughter. I, personally, would not want to reach out to this child THROUGH my dd, nor any of my other family members. The child's family situation is too volatile to subject my dc to. It would tug at my heart, but any help I would offer would be on my own.

Edited September 25, 2009 by LauraGB
missing words that could alter the meaning of what I meant to say

[unsinkable]

:grouphug:

 

I'm really sorry & I don't know what to advise. It seems there is no right answer.

 

I was kinda lost as a child/teen/young adult. My parents were fought physically & were alcoholics. Then my dad died & my mom really checked out emotionally.

 

I don't know if someone mentioned this but sometime kids like me (& perhaps this girl) looked for any port in the storm. If someone rejected me, I'd try someone else, then someone else, then someone else. I know that might sound strange but that's what I did. Very nice people would let me stay with them for a night or 2, or for dinner or for the day but they always drew a line. Somehow, I got enough to get by.

 

I guess what I am saying is to give what you can. Just a meal or cup of tea or a snack might be enough to carry her a bit farther.

[LisaNY]

When did this become popular? I am 44 and never knew a single girl in school who played at or thought she was gay.

 

I'm 44, too, and I remember one girl who said that she was gay. It is MUCH more prevalent now. My dd's high school was FULL of girls who played the "bi game" - and many of them had boyfriends at the time.

[LisaNY]

It seems to me that written rules are needed for reference. One of the boundaries might be that when she's at your house she stays in a designated area - say living room and bathroom - and touches no one else's possessions. The first time she breaks the boundary, she gets to sit outside (if available) or leaves altogether. Sorry, you can try again another day. She may NEVER have had anyone follow up on limits. She may be "rummaging" because that's what she has to do at home to take care of herself. She doesn't see it as rude but as her normal. Another boundary might be "appropriate speech" - volume, vocabulary, and topic - sorry, you'll need to go outside for 5 minutes and try that communication again. I like the other poster's idea of "available hours" too, or even "study hours" for silent work....it may well be that she's craving boundaries she's never had.

 

As another poster said, she might tire of this real fast. Or, she might see what a healthy family *is* like and start to adapt to YOUR normal. FWIW, our next door neighbors had a time period of much turmoil -- older parents moving in, angry teenagers acting out. Their youngest invited herself to dinner at our house pretty regularly for about 6 months. If we had enough and we weren't otherwise busy, she was welcome to stay. That is, I think, minor compared to this issue. I would also be very concerned about sleepovers with teen boys in the house...I would say no, too. But if she really needs a refuge, do you have a barn or an outside building where you could throw a sleeping bag or cot? I would explain reasons for no sleepovers as being a protection for everyone and leave it at that.

 

She clearly needs someone not just to let her come over but to .... dare I say it ... socialize her.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Supertechmom]

With sons in the house, no way would I allow sleepovers. Girls in this type of situation may begin (yes at 14) to look for their way out. A nice guy in a home that doesn't drink or beat them is a great out. I have family like this and there wasn't a single girl cousin who wasn't knocked up and married by 16 at the latest to get out. And on purpose and deliberate and basically never ending relentless until they succeeded. One never knows. You've got more than a girl to worry over.

 

Giving boundaries and making rules sounds good but honestly, you are living in a community of downtrodden kids living in what sounds like a completely hopeless situations that will only continue to the next generation. Protect your kids first.

 

your husband is against it. He may be like mine and have no idea exactly why he's against it just that it doesn't feel right to him. I would follow his lead. One lesson I learned early on was to never forget the power and draw of the "shining knight on white horse" has on young males. My mom over my dad took in a young woman who was in an abusive setting. My brother couldn't withstand the pull of "saving" her. We still deal with the fall out from that disaster 28 years later. I don't know the ages of your boys but if you are going to be there for too many years, this may come up more than once. :grouphug:

 

Edited to actually answer your question- Tell her that you don't allow sleepovers. If she needs a place to go when he's drunk, you'll be glad to call 911 to handle it.

Edited September 25, 2009 by servin

[TXMary2]

When did this become popular? I am 44 and never knew a single girl in school who played at or thought she was gay.

 

I graduated in 1989 and I never came up against that either. I am sure there was a gay student or two, but if there was we never heard about it.

[kalanamak]

 

A couple of days ago, the girl told Olivia and me that she is bisexual. It came up when she said that her mother would marry her "father" when he grows up. Then she said that she would not get married until gay marriage was legal in PA. Then she said that she is bisexual.

 

 

I don't believe this for a minute. I think she saying "I think I should be a grownup, that's a cool thing, right, and I think I'll sprinkle my yak with grown-up words, right? Wow, I see your eyebrows are UP, yeah! Wait until you hear what I have to say next!"

[LittleIzumi]

When did this become popular? I am 44 and never knew a single girl in school who played at or thought she was gay.

 

I'm only 25 :) and it was quite, quite common/popular when I was in high school. I graduated in 1999.

[Laurie4b]

So does she have a "nice personality" or is she a raving psychopathic liar? I can't imagine any decent person just randomly claiming rape out of the blue with people she wants to adopt her because her own home is so horrible. :confused: That seems way over the top, personally.

 

I'd just (forewarn dd so she can give a heads-up) set her down and tell her that you're happy to have her over at your house during the day, but she has to follow the rules of your house when she's there. The rules are ___________. Keep them simple so you can remind her later if you have to. Basic stuff like we don't touch stuff without asking, do foul language, etc. Remind her once or twice and if she keeps doing it, politely ask her to head out for the day but she can come back tomorrow if she can remember the rules of the house.

 

And if there was a boy the same age whose father was going on a drunken rampage and wanted a safe place to sleep, you bet I'd let him stay over--in a sleeping bag on my bedroom floor or with a hidden baby monitor out though ;) or I'd send dd to another friend's house for the night.

 

I was a social worker with emotionally disturbed kids for a number of years. The OP is not over-the-top with her concerns: I would have exactly the same thoughts. We had a foster daughter for 2 years. Never once did I leave her alone with dh. Not because I don't trust him--I just wanted to be able to testify in 12 years that I never once left him alone. It wasn't because I didn't trust her either--I did. It's just that I had seen way too much of that happen. The OP doesn't really know this girl yet, nor does she know what twists and turns might happen in her life down the road that might spur an accusation. With sexual assualt mantras such as "children don't lie about these things", sometimes just the accusation is necessary if the accuser is at all believable in court. I would not risk the sleep-overs for that reason, either, though I probably would try to help out to the extent that I could.

[mom2abcd]

One other thought: Can you "speed up" the process of finding more like-minded friends for your dd? Maybe from church? Invite them over or take them all to the pumpkin patch or whatever and let your dd build relationships with healthy girls? You want her to have a firm "foundation" of friendships and then reaching out to a girl like your neighbor won't be as risky for your dd. I hope that makes sense.

 

Many times we need to try to look at the whole picture, but can't see the forest for the trees. Your family needs to stay sane. You've only been "transplanting" for two months. When new relationships with supportive people are stronger, you will all have more emotional energy to help others. You probably don't want to cut off the relationship with the neighbors entirely, but if you can back her off while you get yourselves settled, you will be better able to help her.

 

I will say a prayer for you and your crew (and your neighbors), RoughCollie! You are good to want to help this girl, but I totally understand your concerns. Your family needs your help and protection, too.

 

I hope everything falls together peacefully in a way that is wonderful for your family and those God has placed in your life, too.

[tex-mex]

Sounds like the friend is a troubled child in the midst of a mixed up world. It is up to you to protect your family and to decide where you draw your lines.

 

However, being poor and uncouth are not crimes. Perhaps you and your family are the best chance this poor kid has to rise above these things. Regarding the bisexual part, no--I wouldn't allow overnights in my child's room. However, have you considered that this child might need refuge when her so-called father is on a drunken rampage? I might consider allowing her to crash on my couch in a situation like that. IMO, it is entirely possible that the claims of bisexuality may just be more talk than action.

 

You mention that the girl is loud, rude, and presumptuous. I would calmly and kindly sit her down and explain to her what your boundaries are and how they will be enforced. Go slowly and be very clear. This may be an entirely foreign concept to the child.

 

She may be on Prozac. She may be pursuing an alternate sexual lifestyle. She may be a rude jerk. Or she may be creating a lot of smoke when there is really only a little fire, just as a method of self-protection in a very precarious situation. While I would proceed with great caution, I would also try to extend the hand of kindness to her as much as possible. Otherwise you may be the person who could have helped her but didn't.

 

:iagree: Is there a way to get CPS involved if there is neglect going on? Or a safehouse for her to spend the night? Something just doesn't seem right -- she wants to spend time with y'all. Her home life is toxic. Do you know of anyone (church or school) who could help her?

[IATeachingMom]

My older brother had a friend like this. Eventually we took him on one of our family vacations! My parent's slowly taught him the rules of our house....like-how to use silverware to eat and serve yourself. They did it in a light hearted tone, but that's best what the boy responded to. And this all started in about 6th grade IIFC. Roughly the same age at the OP? My parents taught him all sorts of stuff, they even volunteered to check over his hw and his grades went up. I just remember the example my parents and brother was to this boy. That being said, there were boundaries, but my parents took Jesus' attitude....it was a beautiful thing.

[FO4UR]

This girl is likely going to cause trouble. That doesn't mean you shouldn't help her, but you need to think in terms of controlling the damage.

No sleepovers, no EVER being alone unsupervised in the house...and really, YOU shouldn't ever be alone with her either. She is enamored with, and will be rabidly jealous of..your family life, of dd's relationship with you esp. Be prepared for a manipulative-type attack on that front. I would NOT allow her to come over if your relationship with dd was in any way unhealthy to start...and then, it's important to kind of prepare her in some way for this friend to try and pull her away from the family - esp breaking the tie between you and dd.

 

She's 14...she's 4 years away from 18yo and the freedom to change her own life. If you can help her see "the light at the end of the tunnel" then that might be the best way to help. Can you teach her any kind of skill/trade that she can do to make $? Can you find her an opportunity like that if you can't teach it? Can she read? Can you give her books? Can she do basic math? These are practical ways to help her long-term. In the short-term, giving her clothes and food are about as far as I would go. If she's in a situation where she isn't safe at home, call cps and get her out of there forever.

 

Writing up a schedule and rules and posting them might be a good idea. Only allowing her over during the hours of --- and ---- so that you can be sure she's supervised is simply mandatory imho!!! Setting rules and requiring her to keep them is one of THE most loving things you can do for her.

 

I've seen a few of these personalities (g-ma was a social worker...it seems our family just attracts this kind:001_huh::lol:) and you can only help her so much, and then she has to make a choice. She is either going to grow up to be just like her mom or she is going to fight to get herself out of the situation. Make up your mind to help her to do the latter so long as she works towards the same.

 

I am reminded of a guy...he ended up with a full-ride to college out of a sad situation...he dropped out after a semester and we think he's a homeless con-man - we know he's a pathological liar at the very least. He was given every opportunity aside from a healthy home-life and just couldn't overcome it. Some people cannot be helped. All you can do is all you can do.

 

:grouphug:

[Impish]

I just need to say this, and then find a new thread to read :lol:

 

Not all kids from a bad family life are liars, manipulators, etc. I was one.

 

Not all foster children who say their foster father raped/sexually assaulted them are liars. I was one.

 

And heck to the no about children being automatically believed. In my case, he was acquitted, despite ADMITTING to it.

 

Teen girls just are all Lolitas and ask for it, and can't be trusted, especially those lying, manipulative foster teen girls! :glare:

 

I'm honestly shocked at how many would throw this child under a bus because of things she can't control. You barely know her for pity sakes!

 

I don't also half wonder if she's become a focus point for all your negative emotions. You hate and resent having to move...I wonder if this child has come to represent everything that you're unhappy about in your mind?

 

I'm not saying to take her in, adopt her, etc. But would trying to view her as something more positive than a lying, manipulative pariah really kill anyone? At least until you know her better, and truly have a sense of who this child is? Disallow sleepovers, etc. But just because her homelife seems hellish, doesn't mean she is.

[FO4UR]

Impish - I hope my post didn't come across as personally hurtful. I am seeing this from the perspective of a child who couldn't go to grandma's house for long periods of time growing up b/c grandparents kept foster kids....some good kids in a bad situation, and some who were dangerous (and my family has too close to being forever traumatized by a troubled kid). The possibility that a child can hurt is no reason not to help and I'll say that 1000000000 times!!!! However, we don't know (and she doesn't know) the full capabilities of this child. She HAS to protect her family and control the amount of damage that she could cause.

 

The very personal comments she makes very loudly is a red-flag. She's obviously a girl in trouble and in need of help...this can go two ways. The fact that her dh and ds's feel very uncomfortable around her is the bottom line~! The fact that her behavior sent up enough red flags to post this tells me something too.

 

 

I, not so tactfully, meant to say "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" in my post.

[Audrey]

I just need to say this, and then find a new thread to read :lol:

 

Not all kids from a bad family life are liars, manipulators, etc. I was one.

 

Not all foster children who say their foster father raped/sexually assaulted them are liars. I was one.

 

And heck to the no about children being automatically believed. In my case, he was acquitted, despite ADMITTING to it.

 

Teen girls just are all Lolitas and ask for it, and can't be trusted, especially those lying, manipulative foster teen girls! :glare:

 

I'm honestly shocked at how many would throw this child under a bus because of things she can't control. You barely know her for pity sakes!

 

I don't also half wonder if she's become a focus point for all your negative emotions. You hate and resent having to move...I wonder if this child has come to represent everything that you're unhappy about in your mind?

 

I'm not saying to take her in, adopt her, etc. But would trying to view her as something more positive than a lying, manipulative pariah really kill anyone? At least until you know her better, and truly have a sense of who this child is? Disallow sleepovers, etc. But just because her homelife seems hellish, doesn't mean she is.

 

 

 

If I could give you little green rep points for this, I'd give you so many the board would explode.

[ravengal]

This girl is likely going to cause trouble. That doesn't mean you shouldn't help her, but you need to think in terms of controlling the damage.

No sleepovers, no EVER being alone unsupervised in the house...and really, YOU shouldn't ever be alone with her either. She is enamored with, and will be rabidly jealous of..your family life, of dd's relationship with you esp. Be prepared for a manipulative-type attack on that front. I would NOT allow her to come over if your relationship with dd was in any way unhealthy to start...and then, it's important to kind of prepare her in some way for this friend to try and pull her away from the family - esp breaking the tie between you and dd.

:grouphug:

 

Took the words right out of my fingers! Looking back, we were in a very similar situation, and the young man my son befriended turned out to be a sociopath. He saw my son as a naive, "nice" target and eventually turned on him in a violent way. We put our house on the market and moved shortly thereafter.

 

We learned our lesson the hard way. I would only take this girl on as a family friend, and never leave her unsupervised with your daughter.

[PineFarmMom]

Before we lambast those who would be on guard, and particularly the OP for feeling cautious and a need to protect her own children, many people have good reasons to be on guard. When I was a small child, our family took in a boy from an abusive home. He was 16. My brother was 14. The boy emotionally and verbally abused my brother in secret while putting on his angel-boy personna with the rest of the family. He lived with us for a year. My parents had wanted to give this kid a chance and take action to help him. In the end, he waited until we left for the weekend and threw a party at our house and destroyed it...I was 5 and I still remember how bad it was!! He used us all, and particularly my parents and their desire to help someone in need. It took my brother a long time to get over what he had to put up with in that situation. He had kept his mouth shut for a long time about the situation.

 

I do think things can and need to be done for a girl in this situation, but taking precautions for ones' own family isn't out of line!! My parents had a lot of regret for their own kindness. :(

[Denisemomof4]

I agree, the girl does live in sad circumstances. She wants to move in with us. She has said so. She wants me to adopt her -- she has said so more than once.

 

 

 

Something to consider. If she didn't get the love and nurture she needed as a baby, she very well could have an attachment disorder. Kids with AD's are very charming people who impress the heck out of everyone. They lie through their teeth and make up abuse stories. I'm sorry for anyone here who has ever suffered abuse, but imagine being the adoptive mother of an AD kid who falsely accuses her family of abuse. This is us. I watched as my daughter fell off a slide, hit face first on the ground, and ended up with two black eyes and scrapes across her face. When my friend asked her what happened, she told her, "Mom did this to me." I was HORRIFIED. My daughter was two or three at the time. She also lied about my sons - which is why she is NEVER out of my eyesight or earshot EVER. She also mommy shops all the time. Kids with AD's are often times medicated. With what, I don't know, but I know they are. Their tall tales are often times, or most times, extreme stories.

 

If you do decide to nurture this relationship between this girl and your daughter, I would NEVER allow them to be unsupervised. I suggest this for the well being of your daughter. AD kids can be dangerous.

 

It's just not normal to want someone to adopt you after knowing you a week. My daughter informed me that she had a new mom after a few HOURS. It was the one and only time I ever left her with a sitter.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

If your husband and your boys want her out of the family's routine, and her presence is such a concern to you because you worry about the effect she has on your own daughter, she needs to go. I am not sure how I would handle that, though... maybe I would start with a sit-down conversation setting very firm boundaries, first with my daughter, then with daughter and friend. Perhaps include your husband in the boundary-setting conversation. If she is a teen, well, she needs to learn what acceptable behavior is sooner rather than later. And your family needs peace.

 

In any event your daughter and your family come first, even before a very needy child in your neighborhood. JMHO.

Edited September 27, 2009 by Mad Jenny Flint
to add my humble opinion in the last line.

[unsinkable]

Something to consider. If she didn't get the love and nurture she needed as a baby, she very well could have an attachment disorder. Kids with AD's are very charming people who impress the heck out of everyone. They lie through their teeth and make up abuse stories. I'm sorry for anyone here who has ever suffered abuse, but imagine being the adoptive mother of an AD kid who falsely accuses her family of abuse. This is us. I watched as my daughter fell off a slide, hit face first on the ground, and ended up with two black eyes and scrapes across her face. When my friend asked her what happened, she told her, "Mom did this to me." I was HORRIFIED. My daughter was two or three at the time. She also lied about my sons - which is why she is NEVER out of my eyesight or earshot EVER. She also mommy shops all the time. Kids with AD's are often times medicated. With what, I don't know, but I know they are. Their tall tales are often times, or most times, extreme stories.

 

If you do decide to nurture this relationship between this girl and your daughter, I would NEVER allow them to be unsupervised. I suggest this for the well being of your daughter. AD kids can be dangerous.

 

It's just not normal to want someone to adopt you after knowing you a week. My daughter informed me that she had a new mom after a few HOURS. It was the one and only time I ever left her with a sitter.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

You are in my prayers!

 

Unless someone has seen an AD child do what AD children are capable of doing, it is hard to comprehend. It can be crazy-making. If this girl has AD, an ordinary person would not have the skills to deal with her. It's not about being mean or writing her off or throwing her under a bus. It's about knowing how to cope in an extraordinary circumstance.

[lgm]

I think I would refer the gal to the school counselor (psych). She's running from home mentally and intending to become someone else's dependent. At 14, that plan just isn't in her best interests no matter what family takes her in..she needs to plan to grow up, not remain a child.

 

Your clothing description makes her sound goth or emo...big cry for help that the counselor should have expertise in.

 

We have a similar demographic here that represents a large chunk of the district. We have social workers and school psychologists to help the kids understand their options. In the short term the psych can help her figure out her options for dealing with the drunk. In the long term, the counselor can help her with the transition to work options. For ex: The schools here encourage 14s to take charge of their lives and get their working papers. They offer afterschool homework space w/tutors and bussing home as well as job referrals and at 16, vo-tech. They have classes in how to dress for work and how to keep a job. We have summer academies for those that didn't land a job. I'd point the gal to looking at the school for help.

[ma23peas]

Here I go again on my own...(sorry, song in my head)

 

This is how I would react if this situation happened to me. I first believe that all things happen for a reason...I spend my life searching for that beacon that announces why, what I'm to do and how should I continue in it. I believe that all things happen for a reason because I know God is in control of my life. Did He bring this child into my life so that we could share with her our love for Him? Do I trust myself to be able to lead such a child? No. But, do I trust Him to equip me and lead me in the way I should go? Yes.

I would use this time to earnestly share and sit down with this child and love this child. In each interaction, I would use it as a teaching moment with my children...I would not leave my children alone with her until I knew they could handle any issues that pop up. She has every right to express her lifestyle desires, we have every responsibility to share why we take issue with some of them. You can do it in a loving, faithful manner that helps her respect your position and possibly gives her insight into a moral compass that has been so cruelly absent in her life.

Take it one day at a time, but being a friend and showing her compassion and kindness does not mean that you're risking your family...you can have both, but you need to equip your children as to why/how you handle certain topics. She is exposing your family to a great deal of challenges...if it happened to our famiy, I would expose her to a great deal of coping mechanisms and for our family it is our faith and trust in God. She can either embrace it, acknowledge it or turn from it..that is her choice...give her one.

 

Tara

[Rebecca VA]

When I was in my late teens and twenties, I lived a somewhat wild life (it seems tame compared to today's standards, but I wasn't sheltered by a loving family and was definitely in rebellion). There were a number of very kind people who were good to me -- who took me to church, who invited me to meals at their home, and so on. I appreciated their efforts, and I never abused their hospitality, but here's the point:

 

**I didn't want to change. I wanted to be bad. It wasn't until my heart changed and I actually wanted a stable, loving Christian lifestyle with a husband and family that I settled down.**

 

This girl may be honestly appreciate your being there for her, but your efforts will be wasted if she doesn't want to be good. You need to find out her motives for hanging out with your family. If she wants to change, keep her around and teach her the ways of righteousness, but if she wants to live a wild lifestyle, tell her you don't tolerate that kind of thing within your home and around your children.

[lgm]

PA has gifted education under special ed...if your kids qualify under their defn of gifted, it could be a way for the school to provide them with individualization.

 

Around here, skipping or testing out of a foreign language is ok, because the state law merely says "X years" of f.l, not fl1, fl2, fl3, fl4, fl5. So a kid skipping fl1 and 2 would meet the law by taking fl3,4,5. If 4 & 5 aren't offered, then the kid is usually directed to a nearby college or online. I'd talk further with the counselor on moving to sp. 3 - sounds like they are taking the easy way out.

[Macrina]

I've only read the first page and the last page. I am hoping *somebody* has suggested that perhaps this girl is a victim of sexual abuse. Young girls often only start talking about sex/sexual orientation when they have been exposed to more then they should. I'd be looking for a reason to call CPS and as soon as I had a good one, I'd do it. The girl has admitted being afraid of her "father" when he is drunk. Maybe she has confined in your DD. I'd probe her too, and see if she has been given information from her friend that she hasn't felt comfortable sharing with you. But I'd cut of unsupervised play time with the girls. I would however let her come a few times a week for supervised play time.

[Laurie]

 

Plus, DD has a kind, generous heart and will think I am cruel and unfeeling, which will damage our relationship. She is so innocent.

 

 

.

 

I would be doing everything possible to protect her innocence. There's nothing wrong with protecting your children from bad influences that are out of line with your family values.

 

Both of my dc are on the autism spectrum and I'm well aware of the fact that they don't have magnetic personalities and finding friends is a struggle. BUT that doesn't mean that they should have to accept "friends" just because they breathe...my dh and I don't agree that "beggars can't be choosers". And given my own children's "innocence"/naivete there's no way I would have a child like this coming into my home. Period. My responsibility is to my own children above all else and I make no apologies for that.

[woolybear]

This, to me, is the heart of the issue - not whether or not she is in fact bisexual. Bisexuality is seen by some teenagers and young adults as "edgy" and "cool" to play at, so I wouldn't necessarily take her declaration as fact. Even if she is, it's a big jump from "she's bisexual" to "she's going to go after my daughter." However, the simple fact that you don't trust her and wouldn't know what she might do is enough reason not to have her spend the night. It's sad, because it sounds like she might need an escape hatch, so to speak, but it sounds like it would be a bad idea for your family to be that escape.

 

:iagree:I agree about the first part, because you said she doesn't understand boundaries. Whether or not she's bisexual shouldn't be a problem if she understood boundaries and what is acceptable.

 

 

Woolybear

[elizam]

Why would you not consider going to child protective services? This is a child SCREAMING for help and all you guys can talk about is if she might make a pass at your kids????

 

Where is the compassion for this child? Of course she is inappropriate. She has been raised without boundaries and in an unsafe home!

 

I see no reason to involve CPS> Tons of kids live like this in our rural community--PS kids.

[elizam]

Also, bipolar people do not take prozac.

 

 

She has isues. You can lock her out and ignore her or you can choose to do the right thing.

 

 

 

BP should NOT take PRozac, but many drs don't get it quite right and prescribe antidepressants anyway, which can m ake the BP worse. If this is a backward, unelightened area where you live, it is likely there aren't any good Child and Adolescent psychiatrists.

[elizam]

right. I just meant that prozac alone isnt given for bipolar disorder. Probably the child is self dxing.

 

seriously doubt the self dxing thing. Most teens do not want a psychiatric label.

[elizam]

If I could give you little green rep points for this, I'd give you so many the board would explode.

 

me too!

[woolybear]

This seems to be quite complicated with several different issues to be considering. Lots of things to think about from everyone's posts. Just one thing I wanted to add--I don't think it's at all unreasonable to limit times of friends coming over and asking them not to "just drop in". That can all get to be quite disruptive to a family and it sounds as if it already is to some family members. Allowing her once or twice a week for a certain amount of time would be a normal request of anyone. I think it can just be explained as, "We are used to only having people over occasionally and now that we're settling in we want to get back to our routine. You are welcome to come by _____time/day."

 

I will keep you in my heart and thoughts. I hope you all start to settle in and find some peace.

 

Woolybear

[Rebecca VA]

I wanted to bump up this thread to see how the situation is going. Rough Collie, do you have an update?