I am not BELIEVING this!!

[BMW]

A couple months ago, a friend of my 14yog's, who is a boy, called after 9pm, asking to talk to her. I politely stated that she doesn't take calls after 9pm. Honestly... I've posted about the house needing to be quiet after 9pm because dh gets up at 4am... we don't need the phone ringing after 9pm!

 

They have hung out a lot recently... and this evening he calls at 10:20pm. I have one phone next to my bed and pick it up... DD had the other phone in bed with her... she had answered the phone as soon as it started to ring. I promptly went to her and took the phone away. She tells me that she had just told him good-night... that was all the conversation was about... mmm-hmmm...

 

And at 11:20 he calls again. Now this time, I have both phones. He didn't want to talk to me, so when I answered, he didn't communicate.

 

And at 12:15am he calls again. Each time, disturbing my dh. I don't want to unplug our phones overnight... I have an elderly dad... I have older kids away from home... I want my phone to work...

 

My plan is to pay a visit to his mom. I will try to reach her by phone tomorrow. If I cannot get her on the phone, I will drive to her house and explain the situation. I've already told my dd that she is now not allowed to correspond or hang out with him the rest of the week...

 

Am I going overboard? What would you do?

[Rainbows]

ah, the joys of teenaged girls in the house lol. I remember those days.

 

So the boy wouldn't answer at all if you picked up the phone? If he calls again I would just tell him "don't call here after 9" -- dont even say hello and give him the chance to hang up. Id also talk to DD tomorrow and tell her to remind her friends of the rule

[camibami]

I think banning her from the phone or him for a week is a good way to drive the message home to the boy! If he wants to talk to her, he has to play by *your* rules.:D

 

I don't know that I'd get the other mom involved, though, myself. I'd take it straight to him, he's old enough to deal with about something like this. They may have different phone rules, which is fine for *them*, but you have rules for your daughter *he* must follow, and that's fine, too.

[keptwoman]

I think banning her from the phone or him for a week is a good way to drive the message home to the boy! If he wants to talk to her, he has to play by *your* rules.:D

 

I don't know that I'd get the other mom involved, though, myself. I'd take it straight to him, he's old enough to deal with about something like this. They may have different phone rules, which is fine for *them*, but you have rules for your daughter *he* must follow, and that's fine, too.

Yes. A week without the phone should do the trick.

[Michelle in MO]

If removing the phone doesn't do the trick, can you unplug or turn off your phone at night? I understand leaving it on, of course, if you feel that others really need to get ahold of you, but perhaps turning it off at night might make it clear to the unwanted caller that you really won't take phone calls past 9 p.m.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I was that girl. I spoke on the phone with a boy ALL NIGHT LONG for weeks. I then skipped school to go hang out with him one day. I got busted.

 

Take away the phone. Stop the hanging out and hope she finds someone else to hang out with.

 

Oh, our parents had already told us to stop talking. So get involved and don't assume she's stopped talking/seeing him.

 

personal experience.

[Soph the vet]

I agree with Tess. I think it is pretty bold for that boy to continue calling after being answered by you and hung up on as well. I would take the phone line out of her room.

I had my own phone number in high school, needless to say I did not get much sleep. I also had a very possessive boyfriend who called a lot and eventually became a very scary stalker situation after we broke up. A 14yr. old has no business telling a boy "good-night" on the phone, IMO. This is a wake-up call for you to help her make better choices about people she spends time with. I know I sound alarmist but I lived it. And I would get the other mom involved because if it was my son I would want to know and put an end to it so he knows how to treat women and their parents with respect.

[robberbutton]

No advice (my DD is 16 months old!) but just wanted to wish you good luck, definitely take the phone away for a while, and agree with the poster who said try and sort it out with the boy first, rather than his mum as she might not back you up if they have different rules.

 

Don't think my parents had this problem when I was a teenager - in our house we only had one phone in the hall that was attached to a cord, so not ideal for late night private phone calls, lol! That all changed when I got a mobile phone, but I was about 18 by that time.

[readwithem]

:sneaky2:Or if she's insistent on being able to talk to the boy after midnight, put her on overnight phone duty. Any calls about your dad get answered by her...

 

Seriously she needs to understand that she's a member of the family not the queen of the house, and that your dh deserves respect (and rest!).

[Karen sn]

No phone for a week for dd, and I absolutely would visit his mother if you have that kind of relationship with her. I would want to know if my kid was calling like that!

[Danestress]

If this were your son, wouldn't you want to know? I'd hate to lose that parenting opportunity. I always pray that my kids will get busted when they are doing something wrong, and I would like to have this information so I could decide if we need to change our household rules (like hiding the phones at night) because your daughter isn't the only kid he might call. Do you know if he called from a cell phone? If I were his Mom, I would really want to know so I could ground him from the cellphone and then set limits on the times of day he has access to it.

[lionfamily1999]

I would call his mom. I'm going to guess that most moms would be mortified to find out their child is placing calls a. after 9:001_huh: b. after 10:glare: c. after 11:angry: d. after midnight!:cursing:!!

 

My mom would tell people that if they could not use proper phone etiquette, they could not call the house... then, she also kept a whistle beside the phone and if there were repeated calls, like what you got, she'd have blown the whistle.

 

We had these problems with a friend of ds. The kid was rude and obnoxious, he refused to state who was calling and he called at bizarre hours. I couldn't call his mother, because he seemed to own the phone :confused: I had to track her down at her work and ask her to call me (I was nice and nonchalant ;) ). After I talked to her it did not happen again.

[Pamela H in Texas]

My initial thought was "why do y'all want to punish the girl because the boy was so obnoxious?" But then I thought about it. They were already warned not to mention that a teen should be giving out the house rules if she gives out her phone number! She didn't even need the warning (the first time he called inappropriately).

 

Anyway, as for the boy? I agree with Danestress that I would like to know. However, I'm not sure I'd talk with another parent. I DO know that I would have given him an education at 10:20 last night!

 

ETA: BTW, the rule for THIS boy is that when he's ready to be appropriate, he can call you, apologize, and be ready to follow the rules. In my house, that would be no phone calls at all, but I don't think you and I are in the same place on that. But just as I took a block or ball from a toddler til they were ready to follow the rule, this boy would have the privilege of calling the house taken away til he could state and agree to follow the rule.

Edited July 15, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[lionfamily1999]

ETA: BTW, the rule for THIS boy is that when he's ready to be appropriate, he can call you, apologize, and be ready to follow the rules. In my house, that would be no phone calls at all, but I don't think you and I are in the same place on that. But just as I took a block or ball from a toddler til they were ready to follow the rule, this boy would have the privilege of calling the house taken away til he could state and agree to follow the rule.

:iagree:

[DawnM]

If the boy cannot adhere to the rules of your house (and the girl he wishes to pursue), your daughter cannot be a part of his life. If he really likes her, he will impress the parents too.

 

Time for some character quality talks with this boy and your daughter.

 

(This is coming from a high school counselor btw! I dont' have actual teenagers of my own yet.) ;)

 

Dawn

[mcconnellboys]

I believe I'd do exactly what you're doing!

[Kathy in MD]

Just had an idea.

 

If your dd is insisting on sneaking in talks late at night, start dragging her out of bed at 4 when your dh has to get up. Get her working and keep her working all day (same hours as your dh plus commute time). Keep that up for a week or so and see if she's still so disrespectful of your dh's need for sleep. I don't doubt that she'll grumpy and irratable, but you'll need to nip it in the bud. That behavior could get her fired.

[EKS]

It from your post it seems like the big issue is the phone ringing, rather than her talking to him. If this is the case, they why doesn't she call him? No more ringing phone and she still gets to talk. In fact, I'm surprised that she didn't figure this out on her own.

[Tiff in TX]

I know that your DH is trying to sleep because he has to wake up early, but have you tried having him answer the phone one night? The sound of a man's voice is much more intimidating than a woman's. Him answering the phone two or three times in one night won't make him loose much sleep and it might help the boy get the picture.

 

And I don't think I would talk directly to the boy about the issue as one other poster suggested. I would go to the mom as you have already mentioned. Some parents are picky about discipline with their children and might see you talking to their child as an over step in boundaries.

 

Good luck with this one.

[Haiku]

For disregarding the rules and sneaking the phone, she loses the phone for a week. I would visit the boy AND his mom together and explain the situation to the mom, then look expectantly at the boy to see what he has to say for himself. I would inform him that he is not welcome in my home or around my daughter until he has demonstrated that he has learned some manners.

 

Tara

[AuntieM]

It from your post it seems like the big issue is the phone ringing, rather than her talking to him. If this is the case, they why doesn't she call him? No more ringing phone and she still gets to talk. In fact, I'm surprised that she didn't figure this out on her own.

 

My guess is that the other parents would be just as upset, and he's just the gutsier one willing to make the call. Another reason to get the other parents involved. I know your dh needs his sleep, but perhaps if a really irritated big male voice answered boyfriend's next evening call...

 

I agree that this boy is showing a lack of respect for your daughter and your household that, in my book, disqualifies him as a welcome suitor. Maybe he just needs some etiquette lessons, but by the teenage years, he should have that figured out. Can't-live-without-speaking-to-you-at-midnight is somewhat obsessive behavior, methinks, pointing to the fact that this relationship has already gone past the just hangin' out stage. Just my thoughts.

[Haiku]

If your dd is insisting on sneaking in talks late at night, start dragging her out of bed at 4 when your dh has to get up. Get her working and keep her working all day (same hours as your dh plus commute time). Keep that up for a week or so and see if she's still so disrespectful of your dh's need for sleep. I don't doubt that she'll grumpy and irratable, but you'll need to nip it in the bud. That behavior could get her fired.

 

Oooh, I like this!

 

Tara

[Laurie4b]

No, you're not going overboard. If you know the mom, certainly-- talk with her. Better yet, have dh talk with the boy's father.

 

It's really helpful when parents of teens can get on the same page and present a united front.

[Sonshine]

My concern is that this boy has no respect for you as a parent. He probably does not have proper respect for your daughter then.That does not bode well for a boy seeking your daughter's attention. If you allow this relationship to continue to develop your daughter's dad needs to spell things out for him. If he doesn't snap to and stay snapped to, he should be history. That is if you want to give him a second chance. What else will he try to sneak past you?

[BMW]

Thanks for the replies...

 

My daughter is not allowed to talk on the phone after 9pm, period. She does not have a phone line in her room. I feel fairly certain that she knew he'd call, because she took the cordless phone to bed with her. After the past 10pm call, I took that away and let her know that she would not be speaking to him for the next 3 days because she broke the rule.

 

When he called the next 2 times, I answered and he didn't speak... he knew I was not dd. After the 12:15am call, I called his number back multiple times. He would pick up and not answer and wait to see whose voice came across the line! So, I took the phone to my 16yob's room, he had just started to get to sleep... I asked him to call, told him that this boy would not answer, just pick up, and that I wanted him to say hi. Sure enough, the boy knew my son was not me, so he talked. My son told him that dd was asleep and couldn't talk.

 

I do believe that I will follow through as planned... no calls for a few days whatsoever... no hanging out this week... and I will talk to his mom. The way I see the mom thing is... this wasn't just between him and dd... it involved her parent, so, it will involve his parent, too.

 

Thanks!

[katemary63]

For disregarding the rules and sneaking the phone, she loses the phone for a week. I would visit the boy AND his mom together and explain the situation to the mom, then look expectantly at the boy to see what he has to say for himself. I would inform him that he is not welcome in my home or around my daughter until he has demonstrated that he has learned some manners.

 

Tara

 

Oh yea! I am AMAZED at the arrogance and disrespect some teenages have for adults. That he would call BACK that many times! That late!? Nuts! I would definately hold out for an apology to you, from him. Oh, and daughter - big trouble.

 

My friend's 15 year old daughter was grounded for a week including phone calls. Her "boyfriend" calls the house and her dad tells him she will not be available for a week because she is grounded for such and such. He says to the dad, "Well, I want to talk to her. She's MY girlfriend and I have a RIGHT to talk to her!" OMG!!! And this dad is a police officer! This kid had no respect at all.

[katemary63]

My concern is that this boy has no respect for you as a parent. He probably does not have proper respect for your daughter then.That does not bode well for a boy seeking your daughter's attention. If you allow this relationship to continue to develop your daughter's dad needs to spell things out for him. If he doesn't snap to and stay snapped to, he should be history. That is if you want to give him a second chance. What else will he try to sneak past you?

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Gretchen in NJ]

My initial thought was "why do y'all want to punish the girl because the boy was so obnoxious?" But then I thought about it. They were already warned not to mention that a teen should be giving out the house rules if she gives out her phone number! She didn't even need the warning (the first time he called inappropriately).

 

Anyway, as for the boy? I agree with Danestress that I would like to know. However, I'm not sure I'd talk with another parent. I DO know that I would have given him an education at 10:20 last night!

 

ETA: BTW, the rule for THIS boy is that when he's ready to be appropriate, he can call you, apologize, and be ready to follow the rules. In my house, that would be no phone calls at all, but I don't think you and I are in the same place on that. But just as I took a block or ball from a toddler til they were ready to follow the rule, this boy would have the privilege of calling the house taken away til he could state and agree to follow the rule.

:iagree: Once is a mistake. Maybe even twice if it were not on the same night. But, more then 2 times on the same night is very disrespectful to you and your family.

 

If your dd and the boy are breaking a little phone rule, then they could be breaking even bigger rules that you and your family have.

[Remudamom]

I'd tell the boy and his parents that anyone that sneaky and disrespectful wasn't ever going to get any type of welcome from me. Blow him out of the water.

 

And I'm betting this is the tip of an unknown iceberg.

[Erica in PA]

Thanks for the replies...

 

My daughter is not allowed to talk on the phone after 9pm, period. She does not have a phone line in her room. I feel fairly certain that she knew he'd call, because she took the cordless phone to bed with her. After the past 10pm call, I took that away and let her know that she would not be speaking to him for the next 3 days because she broke the rule.

 

When he called the next 2 times, I answered and he didn't speak... he knew I was not dd. After the 12:15am call, I called his number back multiple times. He would pick up and not answer and wait to see whose voice came across the line! So, I took the phone to my 16yob's room, he had just started to get to sleep... I asked him to call, told him that this boy would not answer, just pick up, and that I wanted him to say hi. Sure enough, the boy knew my son was not me, so he talked. My son told him that dd was asleep and couldn't talk.

 

I do believe that I will follow through as planned... no calls for a few days whatsoever... no hanging out this week... and I will talk to his mom. The way I see the mom thing is... this wasn't just between him and dd... it involved her parent, so, it will involve his parent, too.

 

Thanks!

 

This would be a major red flag issue to me. This boy not only defied your direct request not to call after 9:00, knowing that doing so was both disobeying you and causing your dd to disobey you.... but he was rude enough to not answer you *twice* when you answered... to me, this communicates that this boy has absolutely no respect for you *at all.* He also seems to care very little about getting your dd into trouble, and in a sneaky, underhanded way. I'm not sure of the age of your dd, but if you have any say in whom she dates or doesn't date, I would be using that authority right about now.

[OnTheBrink]

If the boy cannot adhere to the rules of your house (and the girl he wishes to pursue), your daughter cannot be a part of his life. If he really likes her, he will impress the parents too.

 

Time for some character quality talks with this boy and your daughter.

 

(This is coming from a high school counselor btw! I dont' have actual teenagers of my own yet.) ;)

 

Dawn

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Haiku]

After the 12:15am call, I called his number back multiple times. He would pick up and not answer and wait to see whose voice came across the line!

 

Unfortunately, this probably just made things worse. You're angry that he's calling your house multiple times late at night, so you called his house multiple times late at night? I think that will complicate the talk with his mother, when you state what the problem is and he fired back, "Yeah, but then she called us 5 times!" You stooped to his level.

 

Tara

[BMW]

I am pretty sure that he had the phone directly with him. I sure hope I didn't disturb the parents... but, then, he disturbed my dd's parents... And I have to say that I disagree about stooping to his level. Because his intentions were to reach my girl late at night, sneaking. My intentions were to talk to him directly to ask him to stop. No sneaking on my part. If someone is calling your house late at night and you use a call back number to ask them to stop... have you stooped to any level?

 

I did talk to the mom this morning. She was cordial and shared that they have the same 9pm rule at their house! Okay... we both agreed that we'd need to take the phones away at night. I hope that she follows through.

 

And my dd wont be hanging around with him... I agree... if he cannot obey a simple phone rule and gets sneaky over this, he'll do much more sneaking and breaking of rules.

Edited July 15, 2009 by BMW

[lionfamily1999]

If it keeps up, if talking to his mom does not work and he calls again, I think it would be worth it to get his number blocked.

 

Note, I would not make a big deal about this, just next time it happened, I would call the phone company and ask to have his number blocked. Let them figure it out, when he just can't call.

[melis108]

That stinks! Is there any way you could turn the house phone ringer off at night and just keep a cell phone handy so family members can still reach you?

[newbie]

I didnt read all the posts but our phone has a block feature. You never hear from that nbr again.

[HRAAB]

This exact same thing was going on with my dd when she was 15 or so. Yes, take the phone away. But also consider what this says about the boy. I wish I had. A boy that doesn't respect the wishes of the girl's parents regarding phone calls and continues to intentionally go against those wishes, probably isn't going to regard the parents' wishes and rules in other areas. I learned the hard way.

 

Oh, and by the way, after I finally did take the phone away from dd, the boy gave dd a cell phone so they could without interrupting the family. Another huge mistake I will not make again.

 

Now I wonder how many new mistakes I can make with my younger ones. :tongue_smilie:

 

Janet

[eternalknot]

if he cannot obey a simple phone rule and gets sneaky over this, he'll do much more sneaking and breaking of rules.

 

If you didn't already, why not explicitly tell this to your DD and explain that this is where you are coming from. Respectfully ask her what kind of person (friend, boyfriend, any one) shows that they care about someone by putting them in difficult situations, such as in the position of breaking house rules or laws. If nothing else, maybe it'll be one of those nuggets that sticks in her head in the long run.

 

Teens aren't always the sharpest crayons in the bunch, they sometimes need the obvious spelled out for them because they don't always see the bigger picture LOL.

[katemary63]

Unfortunately, this probably just made things worse. You're angry that he's calling your house multiple times late at night, so you called his house multiple times late at night? I think that will complicate the talk with his mother, when you state what the problem is and he fired back, "Yeah, but then she called us 5 times!" You stooped to his level.

 

Tara

 

Nope, I don't agree with this at all. I think it was perfectly fine to try to get ahold of him to tell him not to call.

[Hedgehogs4]

my feeling is that your dh needs to get involved and assert his fatherly authority with this boy. men listen to men. teenage boys should be scared of girls' dads.

[DesertDweller]

I don't think you're going overboard. I think you're right on track. Other than a very close best friend, my dd isn't allowed phone calls or to call people after 9pm. I would be more than upset to have someone calling at all hours especially several times in one night.

[lionfamily1999]

Nope, I don't agree with this at all. I think it was perfectly fine to try to get ahold of him to tell him not to call.

I agree with you. If Mom or Dad would've answered the phone, explaining that this number has called your house and hung up MULTIPLE times that night, would've put them right onto your side.

 

I knew two girls who used to do prank calls. Their parents found out once the recipients filed a harrassment suit. His parents would, more than likely, have been DELIGHTED to answer your midnight call, rather than a subpeona.

[Tree House Academy]

When I was 14, I spent many nights on the phone until 2am talking to whomever. Is it possible that your dd could call HIM after 9? I mean, if they are friends or whatever, then okay. I am not sure that she should be punished for something HE did. That hardly seems fair. Maybe you could have her tell him that she will call him after 9 and that if he calls again after 9, she will no longer be allowed to take any of his calls. ?? It would likely be better coming from her to him rather than from you to him or God forbid, you to his mother to him. When you do stuff like that, kids get crafty and stupid...

[Nestof3]

Honestly, I wouldn't allow my daughter to communicate with someone who couldn't respect my rules as the parent. It also seems your daughter may be encouraging him to call late. I guess I just don't see this relationship as beneficial.

[Tree House Academy]

I would call his mom. I'm going to guess that most moms would be mortified to find out their child is placing calls a. after 9:001_huh: b. after 10:glare: c. after 11:angry: d. after midnight!:cursing:!!

 

My mom would tell people that if they could not use proper phone etiquette, they could not call the house... then, she also kept a whistle beside the phone and if there were repeated calls, like what you got, she'd have blown the whistle.

 

We had these problems with a friend of ds. The kid was rude and obnoxious, he refused to state who was calling and he called at bizarre hours. I couldn't call his mother, because he seemed to own the phone :confused: I had to track her down at her work and ask her to call me (I was nice and nonchalant ;) ). After I talked to her it did not happen again.

 

 

See, you guys assume he has a mom that would actually care. My mom never did. As a matter of fact, she thought my best friends phone curfew was stupid and mentioned to me, many times, how overprotective her parents were. I am not saying the OP has "stupid" rules nor that she is overprotective...just mentioning that his mother may think a call from her is ridiculous as easily as she could be infuriated. I guess it will just depend on what kind of parent she is....

[lionfamily1999]

See, you guys assume he has a mom that would actually care. My mom never did. As a matter of fact, she thought my best friends phone curfew was stupid and mentioned to me, many times, how overprotective her parents were. I am not saying the OP has "stupid" rules nor that she is overprotective...just mentioning that his mother may think a call from her is ridiculous as easily as she could be infuriated. I guess it will just depend on what kind of parent she is....

You're mom would've been okay with you ignoring the other parent and then calling back repeatedly and hanging up?

[Karen sn]

my feeling is that your dh needs to get involved and assert his fatherly authority with this boy. men listen to men. teenage boys should be scared of girls' dads.

 

good point.

[Haiku]

I agree with you. If Mom or Dad would've answered the phone, explaining that this number has called your house and hung up MULTIPLE times that night, would've put them right onto your side.

 

 

Yes, but the parents weren't answering the phone, the boy was. The OP said she figured the boy had the phone beside him. Apparently he was hanging up on her when she called. He knew that he shouldn't be calling. Calling him repeatedly and allowing him to hang up on her just plays into the game, imo.

 

Aside from the fact that 1) she was doing to that family what she didn't want done to hers, which is ring their phone repeatedly in the middle of the night and 2) I don't want my kids' friends' parents calling my kid in the middle of the night.

 

Tara

[lionfamily1999]

Yes, but the parents weren't answering the phone, the boy was. The OP said she figured the boy had the phone beside him. Apparently he was hanging up on her when she called. He knew that he shouldn't be calling. Calling him repeatedly and allowing him to hang up on her just plays into the game, imo.

 

Aside from the fact that 1) she was doing to that family what she didn't want done to hers, which is ring their phone repeatedly in the middle of the night and 2) I don't want my kids' friends' parents calling my kid in the middle of the night.

 

Tara

My point was, if the parents HAD woken up and taken the phone, they would have understood. I've called back hang-ups and reached sleepy parents before. They were not angry with me after I explained WHY I was calling, they were angry with their little prank callers.

[PineFarmMom]

My concern is that this boy has no respect for you as a parent. He probably does not have proper respect for your daughter then.That does not bode well for a boy seeking your daughter's attention. If you allow this relationship to continue to develop your daughter's dad needs to spell things out for him. If he doesn't snap to and stay snapped to, he should be history. That is if you want to give him a second chance. What else will he try to sneak past you?

 

Sooo what I was thinking. I'd be wanting to discuss with dd the need for boys to respect her and her family. Dh should definitely be getting involved on this one!! He really sounds like a waste of your dd's time.