Lisa R. Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Isn't that actually saying, "I'm sorry you're so sensitive as to be offended at what I said or did?" It seems like an easy way to apologize while unintentionally putting the responsibility on the other person. Or is it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 It seems to me....someone who says that....is standing by what they said....but is sorry you didn't like it, LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebecca VA Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I agree--I don't think it's a real apology. A real apology would be for what was said, not just for how it was received. If it was something that would be received poorly, it shouldn't have been said in the first place, even if the person still meant what they (would have) said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardening momma Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 What would you rather they said? "I shouldn't have said that." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 In most adult emotional situations, where one person has said something they believe to be true, but for some reason it has either justly or unjustly hurt a second party....Yes, because they are apologizing for upsetting you, while recognizing that they may still believe what they said to be true/just, but they realize that you are offended by it. It is a way of saying you are both right. Now, If someone walked up and slapped you, unprovoked, and said "sorry, you felt offended" that is different because it isn't that they offended you, it is that they hurt you physically. Their intention wasn't to offend, it was to hurt someone. (Okay well unless you were challenged to a duel, with getting slapped with a glove....:D) I am sure there are a 1000 different scenarios that this may or may not work for, but for me, I look at what the person's intentions were, as well as my personal take of the situation, before I would decide if that was an apology or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Well maybe that person asked your opinion of something.....and if they were offended by it....then don't ask for opinions.....right? Do you agree with that? I can't say someone shouldn't voice their 'thoughts/opinions' for fear of offending someone....I don't like people that think they need to sugar coat everything that comes out of their mouths...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I try hard to be sincere. If I'm sorry about what I said, I say I'm sorry about what I said and admit it was wrong or hotheaded, etc. If I'm sorry I upset someone but didn't think I did anything mean or selfish, etc, I would say what you quoted (for instance, I may be sorry I ran over a cat that bolted out in front of me, but that is different than being sorry that I, in a fit of rage, purposefully aimed at the animal and tromped on the gas). HOWever, may people do not consider the exactness of their words like I would (in that situation). I would take the tone, context, past history, etc. in consideration. I also believe there are people who "say sorry" through deeds. A very thoughtful gift or a special favor. I accept those, too, and have been known to do that myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosy Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I've said that before, if I didn't know whether I had offended someone. When what I said wasn't wrong in and of itself, but my intention was not to offend. In my mind, it opens the door for someone to tell me that yes, they were offended and why, so I can give further apology if necessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 When I say something like that, it is because I stand behind what I said, but I am truly sorry that it hurt the other person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 When I say something like that, it is because I stand behind what I said, but I am truly sorry that it hurt the other person. ITA. Does this make it sympathy rather than a true apology, then, I wonder? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolash Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 ITA. Does this make it sympathy rather than a true apology, then, I wonder? No, I don't think so. Sympathy is when you share another's grief/sadness. You can be sorry you hurt someone's feelings without being sorry you said what you did. Personally, I think people are way too thinned skinned about things that are said that they disagree with. Not every difference of opinion OR different way of handling a situation is a personal affront. Just my 2 cents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegGuheert Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 s/o Is saying, "I'm sorry what I said/did offended you." a real apology?Yes, it is a real apology. It is an apology for the emotional impact of something that is said or done, NOT for the statement or action itself. They are NOT the same thing. In one-to-many communication as is found on bulletin boards like this one, it is unreasonable for the writer to have complete knowledge of everyone who may possibly read the message. Many times, the OP will make statements about a subject and other posters will be offended for a variety of reasons that were unforseen by the OP. That in no way invalidates the original point of the OP, but the OP may apologize for the impact such a discussion has had on someone.Isn't that actually saying, "I'm sorry you're so sensitive as to be offended at what I said or did?"No. When I make an apology, it is just that. It is not an accusation.It seems like an easy way to apologize while unintentionally putting the responsibility on the other person. Or is it? I think you are mixing the concept of an apology with responsibility. If someone says "I'm sorry to hear that your mother died," do you think they are trying to avoid being blamed for the death? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet in WA Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Sympathy is when you share another's grief/sadness."Empathy" is when you share another's grief/sadness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jolash Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 "Empathy" is when you share another's grief/sadness. Empathy is when you feel another's grief as your own. :001_smile: Not trying to be snarky. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginevra Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I would say this if I am not sorry for my belief or opinion and still hold it, but am sorry that it hurt the other person. Ex.: I defended hsing to someone who is against hsing and in saying that I believe this is the best educational option available and best for my family, they infer that they are not doing what is best. I'm sorry that they were hurt by what I said, but I am not apologizing for my belief, because to me, it is correct. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I've been in the situation where I've apologized for offending someone, and meant it sincerely. Sometimes what was meant to be said wasn't what was heard. Hurting someone is worth apologizing for, even if the initial issue isn't going to change. Give you an example. It hurts my MIL terribly that we don't follow her religion. There have been a multitude of issues that have come up around that, and I've found myself saying, "I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt by this." but we're not about to change our stance on our religious beliefs. Does that make sense as to how someone would apologize for offending, yet not for the issue? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janet in WA Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Empathy is when you feel another's grief as your own. :001_smile: Not trying to be snarky. :001_smile: That's what I take "share" to mean. Not snarky either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 That's what I take "share" to mean. Not snarky either. Well technically, empathy is defined as: Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. Sympathy (in the way I was using it), is defined as: A feeling or an expression of pity or sorrow for the distress of another; compassion or commiseration. I was envisioning this scenario as something along the lines of telling my mom that I think it's unethical that my grandmother is planning to sign over her house to her kids so if she ends up in a nursing home, the government can't consider it an asset. (Would you believe this actually happened not two days after I read that thread?) If my mother was offended and her feelings were hurt, I would apologize, and would feel pain that I caused my mom pain, but I stand by my belief that it is unethical. Is that sympathy or empathy? Or both? Anyway, not to hijack, but I feel it's an apology for causing pain, but not for standing by one's belief, whatever that may be, and right or wrong though it may be. It's just a different kind of apology. IMO, anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 I think it's a fine apology if the tone of voice is sincere. If someone said it in a snarky voice, I wouldn't think it was a real apology. If it's said nicely, then it's fine. It's like what my dh usually says to me after we have a fight: "I'm sorry we fought." He may still stand by his opinions, but he is sorry that our disagreement was unpleasant and that my feelings were hurt. I'm fine with that. He's a good guy, even if we don't always see eye to eye. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Some time ago, I told someone a truth in a very, very gentle and kind way. I prayed hard before I told them and prayed hard for them to deal with it in another way so I wouldn't have to say it. It was something that was hurting others and not just themselves. I finally told them. They were hurt by what I said and furious at me. I told them "I am sorry you were hurt by what I said," because I knew that saying I was sorry for what I said would remove the truth that they needed to hear. My intent was not pain for them at all, so I was being genuine that I was sorry they were hurt. I was not sorry for what I said, so I kept my honesty there. No, it's not the same, but sometimes is the best way to deal with the situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 Well, it is actually possible that the other person did not do anything wrong and that the other person is being too sensitive. There are also times the truth has to be told even when the other person doesn't want to hear it. It is possible the person who said it feels they need to say some sort of apology to get the person over their silent treatment or other passive aggressive behavior. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennC Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 What is NOT a true apology IMO (specifically thinking of my boys) is when a person says "I'm sorry IF I hurt you, or IF I hurt your feelings." Of course, knowing fully well that you did offend a person and saying IF seems smart alecky to me. But "I'm sorry you were offended" for me has its own problem. If I meant what I said and it was true and had a necessary reason to say it, I typically don't care how another person takes it. Not because I don't care how the other person feels, but because if a person is offended by the truth - I can't own that. I would take the Love & Logic approach "it seems like you were offended by what I said.?" Then if necessary they could explain and if there was a misunderstanding, it could be cleared up. I tend to be very anti PC, (in case I haven't made that obvious), but I typically do not intentionally provoke people or try to be offensive. (of course, that makes it seem like sometimes I do. And I didn't delete the word 'typically', because I'm trying to decide if I DO sometimes do that. (which I think would be wrong, btw) I am NOT doing that now.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted June 20, 2009 Share Posted June 20, 2009 (edited) Just take such an offering at face value. If I say this to somebody, it is because I genuinely regret upsetting and/or hurting that person. I may not be retracting the substance of what I said, but I very likely may be retracting the manner in which I said it. The apology is sincere, not hypocritical. If I back-peddle from my original viewpoint, I shall say so. Even if I have spoken truth, and the truth offended or hurt the other person, it is right for me to regret injuring another. Truth will stand on its own, but I don't want to be so arrogant as to trust with assurance that I have transmitted the truth in the best possible mode. Edited June 21, 2009 by Orthodox6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BalanceSeeker Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Sometimes I take it to be sincere, regardless of the way it is worded. You can just get a sense when they truly want forgiveness for hurting you. Other times, it is a way to close the subject without admitting fault or even exploring your viewpoint. This is also usually pretty obvious. Either way, I've learned to let a lot of things go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LUV2EDU Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Isn't that actually saying, "I'm sorry you're so sensitive as to be offended at what I said or did?" It seems like an easy way to apologize while unintentionally putting the responsibility on the other person. Or is it? They are saying that they are not deliberately trying to hurt you. However, they must be honest and not "sugarcoat" what they believe. They are sorry that they hurt you. They are not sorry for what they said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 Well, it is actually possible that the other person did not do anything wrong and that the other person is being too sensitive. There are also times the truth has to be told even when the other person doesn't want to hear it. It is possible the person who said it feels they need to say some sort of apology to get the person over their silent treatment or other passive aggressive behavior. :iagree: I think it's a fine apology if the tone of voice is sincere. If someone said it in a snarky voice, I wouldn't think it was a real apology. If it's said nicely, then it's fine. And hence the difficulty of the internet: many things are *typed* with good intentions and honesty, but are not *read* in that manner. a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 My dh says it to me sometimes I do tend to feel its not a true apology....in the moment. It is a step in the right direction though. The true apology usually comes later in the form of a cup of tea, a hug, a look. Sometimes a straight apology. But I will defend his right to act within his integrity in saying it, when he doesnt want to back down on the issue. Anyway, its never the words. Some people are good at saying the words- I am sorry- and for some its a huge thing. Its whats going on underneath that counts, and I think most of us are sensitive enough to feel whether someone is sincere, whatever they say. I don't think its anyone's job to protect me from my feelings, and I prefer blunt people to diplomats who never say what they mean but know what to say to get the right affect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ruby Posted June 21, 2009 Share Posted June 21, 2009 When in doubt.........expect the best from everyone. Give a little grace. Assume the other person meant well no matter what. You will indoubtedly find yourself in this situation at some point again, perhaps with the roles reversed. Unless this is a mean and rotten person who always looks for drama, assume their was no harm meant. In the grand scheme of life one must choose her battles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DB in NJ Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 IMO, no, it is most certainly NOT a genuine, sincere apology. It's lacking personal responsibility for offending someone and at the same time, almost placing the blame for the offense on the hearer -- IF you were hurt, I'm sorry. IF what I said offended you, I'm sorry. Instead, I would think a sincere apology would sound more like, "I'm sorry I offended you/hurt you/upset you. It was not my intention, and I apologize." My sister SCREAMED at me on the beach last year. When I explained to her that I think she misunderstood me in the first place, she SCREAMED, "*IF* I misunderstood you, I apologize...now BACK OFF!" Uh.....she almost got a face full of wine ;) Anyhoo....just my 2 cents. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karenciavo Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I'm with RegGuheert. It's usually not my intention to offend and if something I said is true and offensive I will apologize for offending the person, that's it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 IMO, no, it is most certainly NOT a genuine, sincere apology. It's lacking personal responsibility for offending someone and at the same time, almost placing the blame for the offense on the hearer -- IF you were hurt, I'm sorry. IF what I said offended you, I'm sorry. Instead, I would think a sincere apology would sound more like, "I'm sorry I offended you/hurt you/upset you. It was not my intention, and I apologize." My sister SCREAMED at me on the beach last year. When I explained to her that I think she misunderstood me in the first place, she SCREAMED, "*IF* I misunderstood you, I apologize...now BACK OFF!" Uh.....she almost got a face full of wine ;) Anyhoo....just my 2 cents. :D Okay, so have you ever had to tell someone something they wouldn't want to hear, and then that person is upset with you because you said such and such? I've had to tell my mom that she really needed to stop doing some destructive things because I wanted her to be around longer. I can imagine her getting upset at me and giving me the silent treatment (thankfully, that didn't happen). In those situations a person may say, "I'm sorry that what I said offended you." Do you think that when a person is offended it is always the other person's fault? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I think if someone is offended at what was said but you stand by it then you shouldn't say "I'm sorry I offended you" and leave it at that. They may take it as a retraction of what was said in the first place. I'm not sure that "I'm sorry what I said offended you" is a good line either. There should be some explanation of why it was said. I don't like the "I'm sorry but you made me mad/sad/angry so I did _____" apology. That is the "I'm sorry but it was really all your fault and you are making me apologize" apology. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I just go with, "I'm sorry," and leave it at that. Then the person can take it as they will. And honestly, whether I'm right or not, I do regret saying something that offended. To go further would seem to me simply about showing that I wasn't all in the wrong and I don't see much value in that when I've hurt someone. Generally the hurt party wants to know you acknowledge how they feel and any elaboration or justification or whatever just makes it seem as if you haven't done that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DB in NJ Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Okay, so have you ever had to tell someone something they wouldn't want to hear, and then that person is upset with you because you said such and such? I've had to tell my mom that she really needed to stop doing some destructive things because I wanted her to be around longer. I can imagine her getting upset at me and giving me the silent treatment (thankfully, that didn't happen). In those situations a person may say, "I'm sorry that what I said offended you." Do you think that when a person is offended it is always the other person's fault? There are so many different situations and circumstances that can be imagined, it's hard to answer your question. In my situation, where my sister qualified her apology with the big IF at the beginning, both her tone, her volume, and her overall demeanor told me that she was most certainly NOT sorry. Especially finishing off her apology with "so BACK OFF!." LOL In the specific example you gave, telling someone something they NEED to hear is tricky business. If a loved one is behaving in a hurtful manner (either to themselves or to someone else), and we take it upon ourselves -- out of love and concern -- to tell them we're concerned, they SHOULDN'T be offended, but most of the time they are. For the record, my sister was yelling at me (I mean SCREAMING) because I was telling my then 9 yo ds not to worry about Aunt C's stuff getting wet (we were on the beach, and the tide was coming in fast). We moved, she didn't, he was worried, she wasn't. I was trying to calm him down and said, "Aunt C isn't worried about it, so you shouldn't be either." And she bit my head off. :glare: Anyhoo...bottom line is it all depends on the circumstances. I take back what I previously said; it CAN be sincere -- and it can NOT be. The situation, the people, the personalities, the dynamics, the statement...they all play a factor in determining whether or not the apology is truly an apology. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 To me, it implies a sort of smugness on the part of the person "apologizing," that puts the onus on the one who is offended. Contrast: "I'm sorry you were offended when I spit on you!" <-- suggests that most people don't mind; I had no way of knowing you would be so ultra-sensitive. with "I am so sorry I spit on you!" <-- suggests that I was aiming for the spittoon and missed OR made a bad judgment and feel regret Contrast: "I'm sorry I offended you when I brought a prostitute into our bed while you were out of town" with "I am sorry I brought a prostitute into our bed while you were out of town" Contrast: "I'm sorry emptying your bank account offended you!" with "I am sorry I emptied your bank account." If you are trying to get at the emotions involved, that you are (genuinely!) sorry to have upset someone by your actions, it would be better to say, "It was not my intention to offend you, and I would like to know what I can do in the future that would be more respectful," than "I'm sorry you were offended," which seems to put it on the other person as if a normal person wouldn't mind. This may be more appropriate for something like, say, calling someone a slur that you thought they'd be hip to ("Honey, I am so sorry I called you a 'b----' [female dog] ! I didn't realize this term would offend you. For some reason I thought you would find it endearing. I would like to know what term you'd like to be called to indicate my playful love for you"), where you are genuinely surprised by their reaction. But I still think one should tread carefully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 To me, it implies a sort of smugness on the part of the person "apologizing," that puts the onus on the one who is offended. Contrast: "I'm sorry you were offended when I spit on you!" <-- suggests that most people don't mind; I had no way of knowing you would be so ultra-sensitive. with "I am so sorry I spit on you!" <-- suggests that I was aiming for the spittoon and missed OR made a bad judgment and feel regret Contrast: "I'm sorry I offended you when I brought a prostitute into our bed while you were out of town" with "I am sorry I brought a prostitute into our bed while you were out of town" Contrast: "I'm sorry emptying your bank account offended you!" with "I am sorry I emptied your bank account." If you are trying to get at the emotions involved, that you are (genuinely!) sorry to have upset someone by your actions, it would be better to say, "It was not my intention to offend you, and I would like to know what I can do in the future that would be more respectful," than "I'm sorry you were offended," which seems to put it on the other person as if a normal person wouldn't mind. This may be more appropriate for something like, say, calling someone a slur that you thought they'd be hip to ("Honey, I am so sorry I called you a 'b----' [female dog] ! I didn't realize this term would offend you. For some reason I thought you would find it endearing. I would like to know what term you'd like to be called to indicate my playful love for you"), where you are genuinely surprised by their reaction. But I still think one should tread carefully. Honestly, I've never heard people use that phrase in the situation you gave. Have you? They seem far-fetched and a little crazy. In situations I have used it, I am actually NOT sorry a bit for saying something that had to be said, but some people won't move along unless you give some sort of "apology" for the fact that their feelings were hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 (edited) :) Edited June 22, 2009 by Texas T Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Honestly, I've never heard people use that phrase in the situation you gave. Have you? They seem far-fetched and a little crazy. In situations I have used it, I am actually NOT sorry a bit for saying something that had to be said, but some people won't move along unless you give some sort of "apology" for the fact that their feelings were hurt. They're useful questions for putting you in the shoes of the offended person and point out how apologizing for a person taking offense doesn't sound like an apology for the person offended. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SnowWhite Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I usually say something like, "I'm sorry I offended you." or "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." That part is true. The words or action which caused the offense or hurt feelings, I may not be sorry for. For example, there are moral and ethical beliefs I have which offend people. I am not sorry I hold those moral and ethical beliefs. The expression of them may offend someone, and then I might apologize for the offense, but never for the beliefs. I might choose to attend Friend B's party. Friend A, who had also invited me the same day, might have her feelings hurt. I would apologize for hurting her feelings, but not for attending Friend B's party, because it is my choice where to attend. I would never intentionally hurt Friend A, but if my choosing another friend over her hurts her, I would apologize for the hurt she feels. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I might choose to attend Friend B's party. Friend A, who had also invited me the same day, might have her feelings hurt. I would apologize for hurting her feelings, but not for attending Friend B's party, because it is my choice where to attend. I would never intentionally hurt Friend A, but if my choosing another friend over her hurts her, I would apologize for the hurt she feels. That is exactly how I would use such an apology, as in "I am sorry my actions caused you pain, that was not my intent". This, of course, is a totally different "apology" than "I'm sorry you feel that way", which, in general, implies the offended party's feelings are invalid. My mother likes to use this one. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 I usually say something like, "I'm sorry I offended you." or "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings." That part is true. The words or action which caused the offense or hurt feelings, I may not be sorry for. For example, there are moral and ethical beliefs I have which offend people. I am not sorry I hold those moral and ethical beliefs. The expression of them may offend someone, and then I might apologize for the offense, but never for the beliefs. :iagree:Exactly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Isn't that actually saying, "I'm sorry you're so sensitive as to be offended at what I said or did?" It seems like an easy way to apologize while unintentionally putting the responsibility on the other person. Or is it? I believe an apology should be taken at face value and accepted for what it is (rather than for what it isn't). An incomplete but sincere apology goes farther with me than does a full apology spoken out of lip service. Disclaimer: I don't "make" my kids apologize; it comes from their heart or it doesn't leave their mouths. YMMV. We can't dictate the apologies we are given, if we expect them to be sincere. Nor can we sincerely accept an apology if we set out to question the intent. If an apology is unacceptable to you, for any reason - content, intent - then just don't accept it. Full stop. No need to scrutinize or read too much into it, you know? Seems counterproductive to place more emphasis on a process than on the relationship/individual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 Honestly, I've never heard people use that phrase in the situation you gave. Have you? They seem far-fetched and a little crazy. Exactly my point. It is far-fetched and crazy to apologize "if you were offended" when one have yourself done something so obviously offensive! Yet a website on fixing your marriage after infidelity evidently finds it prudent to advise those who have cheated on their spouses on how to apologize, and, what a surprise, it recommends against saying "I apologize if I did something to offend you." So apparently people do think that passes muster. But then....how about these situations, real, documented examples of this sort of apology: This fascinating parsing of Thomas Weeks' comments after having attacked his wife in public -- comments that begin with "I appreciate the comments shared by my wife on yesterday and likewise share my forgiveness towards her and wish her all the best." HBO to Mormons, about an episode of the polygamy show "Big Love" containing a a secret temple ritual, which would air despite protests: "Obviously, it was not our intention to do anything disrespectful to the church but to those who may be offended, we offer our sincere apology," the channel said in a statement that was echoed separately in a similar statement by the series' creators. Pope to Muslims, after quoting a 14th Century Christian emperor who said the Prophet Muhammad had brought the world only "evil and inhuman" things: "The Holy Father thus sincerely regrets that certain passages of his address could have sounded offensive to the sensitivities of the Muslim faithful, and should have been interpreted in a manner that in no way corresponds to his intentions." Pierre Boivin, Montreal Canadiens' President, about fans who booed the American national anthem: "We apologize to anyone who may have been offended by this incident." NFL's Detroit Lion's president Matt Millen about his choice of words when discussing gays [his choice began with "f"]: "He made an inappropriate remark, and I reacted inappropriately. I said something I shouldn't have, which was wrong, and I apologize for that. And I apologize to anybody that I offended with that remark." Jeremy Shockey, of the NY Giants, after anti-gay comments on the Howard Stern show in 2002: "Whatever I did to offend people, I apologize." After calling Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells a "homo": "I apologize for everything I said that offended people." Sen. Trent Lott said that if Strom Thurmond had been elected president in 1948 (recalling that Thurmond declared on the campaign trail that "All the laws of Washington and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force the Negro into our homes, our schools, our churches"), then "we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either." Several days later, he said "I apologize to anyone who was offended by my statement." Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, after more than a dozen women who accused him of sexually assaulting them. He denied some allegations, but said others might be true, then tried to end the matter by saying, “If anyone was offended, I apologize, because that was not my intention.†President Clinton, about the Lewinsky affair: "It is important to me that everybody who has been hurt know that the sorrow I feel is genuine: first and most important, my family; also my friends, my staff, my Cabinet, Monica Lewinsky and her family, and the American people." The list goes on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 But, I would say these are nothing like the example and explanation I gave. These are publicity stunts. It's like a person apologizing for a crime but only after the person was caught. I hear things like that on the news all of the time, and I know the person is only saying it because it is expected of them. Like my examples, sometimes the truth needs to be told but the person gets in a huff or refuses correction. Their silent treatment or such can lead the other person to feel the need to make it all better, but the other person cannot bring themself to deny that the truth needed to be told. Exactly my point. It is far-fetched and crazy to apologize "if you were offended" when one have yourself done something so obviously offensive! Yet a website on fixing your marriage after infidelity evidently finds it prudent to advise those who have cheated on their spouses on how to apologize, and, what a surprise, it recommends against saying "I apologize if I did something to offend you." So apparently people do think that passes muster. But then....how about these situations, real, documented examples of this sort of apology: This fascinating parsing of Thomas Weeks' comments after having attacked his wife in public -- comments that begin with "I appreciate the comments shared by my wife on yesterday and likewise share my forgiveness towards her and wish her all the best." HBO to Mormons, about an episode of the polygamy show "Big Love" containing a a secret temple ritual, which would air despite protests: "Obviously, it was not our intention to do anything disrespectful to the church but to those who may be offended, we offer our sincere apology," the channel said in a statement that was echoed separately in a similar statement by the series' creators. Pope to Muslims, after quoting a 14th Century Christian emperor who said the Prophet Muhammad had brought the world only "evil and inhuman" things: "The Holy Father thus sincerely regrets that certain passages of his address could have sounded offensive to the sensitivities of the Muslim faithful, and should have been interpreted in a manner that in no way corresponds to his intentions." Pierre Boivin, Montreal Canadiens' President, about fans who booed the American national anthem: "We apologize to anyone who may have been offended by this incident." NFL's Detroit Lion's president Matt Millen about his choice of words when discussing gays [his choice began with "f"]: "He made an inappropriate remark, and I reacted inappropriately. I said something I shouldn't have, which was wrong, and I apologize for that. And I apologize to anybody that I offended with that remark." Jeremy Shockey, of the NY Giants, after anti-gay comments on the Howard Stern show in 2002: "Whatever I did to offend people, I apologize." After calling Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells a "homo": "I apologize for everything I said that offended people." Sen. Trent Lott said that if Strom Thurmond had been elected president in 1948 (recalling that Thurmond declared on the campaign trail that "All the laws of Washington and all the bayonets of the Army cannot force the Negro into our homes, our schools, our churches"), then "we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either." Several days later, he said "I apologize to anyone who was offended by my statement." Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, after more than a dozen women who accused him of sexually assaulting them. He denied some allegations, but said others might be true, then tried to end the matter by saying, “If anyone was offended, I apologize, because that was not my intention.†President Clinton, about the Lewinsky affair: "It is important to me that everybody who has been hurt know that the sorrow I feel is genuine: first and most important, my family; also my friends, my staff, my Cabinet, Monica Lewinsky and her family, and the American people." The list goes on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 But, I would say these are nothing like the example and explanation I gave. These are publicity stunts. It's like a person apologizing for a crime but only after the person was caught. I hear things like that on the news all of the time, and I know the person is only saying it because it is expected of them. Even the website discussing how regular people should apologize to their spouses for infidelity (don't say "I'm sorry if I offended you")? Maybe the politician-style "apology" has rubbed off on regular people, because its presence on that list suggests people might or do talk like that to their hurt spouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Even the website discussing how regular people should apologize to their spouses for infidelity (don't say "I'm sorry if I offended you")? Maybe the politician-style "apology" has rubbed off on regular people, because its presence on that list suggests people might or do talk like that to their hurt spouse. Well, frankly, I just write those people off as ridiculous. Cheating is NOT akin to telling someone something the person doesn't want to hear. I'm really not trying to argue with you here. I just don't think that people are always being insincere as in those crazy examples. Perhaps the answer is to just let the person get over their issue with the truth and not say anything at all after it. P.S.: Oh, and I'm sorry if this conversation has offended you. :lol: :auto: P.S.S.: I really am being silly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted June 23, 2009 Share Posted June 23, 2009 Isn't that actually saying, "I'm sorry you're so sensitive as to be offended at what I said or did?" It seems like an easy way to apologize while unintentionally putting the responsibility on the other person. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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