*Inna* Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 For whoever read and participated in that thread (I hope some of you still remember it), I just wanted to update you. My SIL was right and I was a naive idiot. I would really appreciate your prayers right now. With everything that's going on right now, my body is reacting badly to stress. I'm afraid that I might lose this baby and I'm only 25 weeks along. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blueridge Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Bless your heart! :grouphug::grouphug: I will be praying!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I'm so sorry. Praying for you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I'm very sorry :grouphug:. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 FWIW, I don't agree with your SIL's assessment in general. I think there are some cases (too many, really) where she is right, but I don't believe that her generalization always applies. It is wrong to assume that no man can be trusted; some (many) can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debbiec Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 In prayer for you today ~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonesloonybin Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 :grouphug: I am so sorry you are going through this. Just try to focus on that sweet baby in there. I know it is hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeacherZee Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 *Hugs tight* :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 :grouphug: I will be praying for you Inna. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Oh my gosh, Inna -- I hadn't realized that your SIL was warning you about your own dh when you posted that thread! I just thought she was making conversation, and I thought she was pretty extreme, but now I realize she was doing everything possible to try to let you know there might be something for you to worry about. I'm so sorry, and I hope you'll post here when you need to talk. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 My SIL was right and I was a naive idiot. I know I just posted a minute ago, but I just re-read your post and that sentence struck me. You were not an idiot! You trusted your husband. You are supposed to trust your husband! That's part of the deal!!! You're supposed to be able to trust him! So he's the idiot. Maybe you were naive, but you did nothing wrong here. And please take care of yourself and that precious baby. :grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kay in Cal Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 So sorry... I read that thread and didn't get that she was "warning" you either. Take care of yourself and your baby. Find some good emotional support IRL, and feel free to come here and vent. Take deep breaths. Know that you will make it through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coralloyd Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 :grouphug: Wow! May the Lord give you strength for today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I know I just posted a minute ago, but I just re-read your post and that sentence struck me. You were not an idiot! You trusted your husband. You are supposed to trust your husband! That's part of the deal!!! You're supposed to be able to trust him! So he's the idiot. Maybe you were naive, but you did nothing wrong here. And please take care of yourself and that precious baby. :grouphug: Cat :iagree:TOTALLY! Praying for you and your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I know I just posted a minute ago, but I just re-read your post and that sentence struck me. You were not an idiot! You trusted your husband. You are supposed to trust your husband! That's part of the deal!!! You're supposed to be able to trust him! So he's the idiot. Maybe you were naive, but you did nothing wrong here. And please take care of yourself and that precious baby. :grouphug: Cat :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula in PA Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 You were not an idiot! You trusted your husband. You are supposed to trust your husband! That's part of the deal!!! You're supposed to be able to trust him! So he's the idiot. Maybe you were naive, but you did nothing wrong here. And please take care of yourself and that precious baby. :grouphug: Cat :iagree: Inna, you are not to blame. I know, believe me I know, it's hard not to feel that way, but it's not your fault. When you feel panicky or stressed, take deep breaths and focus on that baby. :grouphug::grouphug: and more :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prudent Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 :grouphug: Inna :grouphug: I'm so sorry. I'm praying for peace & comfort for you right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veronica in VA Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Inna, I'm sorry. Praying for you and your baby right now. Take good care of yourself. Veronica Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I am so sorry for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I know I just posted a minute ago, but I just re-read your post and that sentence struck me. You were not an idiot! You trusted your husband. You are supposed to trust your husband! That's part of the deal!!! You're supposed to be able to trust him! So he's the idiot. Maybe you were naive, but you did nothing wrong here. And please take care of yourself and that precious baby. :grouphug: Cat :iagree: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 You were not an idiot! You trusted your husband. You are supposed to trust your husband! That's part of the deal!!! You're supposed to be able to trust him! So he's the idiot. Maybe you were naive, but you did nothing wrong here. And please take care of yourself and that precious baby. :grouphug: Cat :iagree: as well. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhM Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 You were not an idiot! You trusted your husband. You are supposed to trust your husband! That's part of the deal!!! You're supposed to be able to trust him! So he's the idiot. Maybe you were naive, but you did nothing wrong here. :iagree: I don't even think you were naive. You held up your part of the bargain by trusting him. He's the one who failed here. Don't spend a second of your time or an ounce of your strength kicking yourself. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 Thank you so much for your prayers and support. I was always proud of our relationship, I always perceived him as an extremely truthful person, to the point of being blunt. That's why it hit me so hard. She was a "friend" of mine. For goodness sake, she came over with her son last Saturday to play in the pool with the girls. Only right before that she slept with my husband for the first time. I am completely flabbergasted that they both had a gall to come to our house right after that and pretend that everything is peachy! I read the signs, but just could not believe it. Now, they both decided to "go back to their families", but how can I trust him ever again? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeatherLynn Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Prayers coming your way. Take a deep breath and just breath. Live for yourself and your little one growing in there. Concentrate on that which you can take joy from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 If they are willing to cheat, especially when you are pg, I'm not surprised that they are able to pretend like nothing is going on. Hold on tight to the knowledge that you are not responsible for the horrible thing that they did, and you are not an idiot for trusting your husband and your friend. They are the ones who should be ashamed, begging for forgiveness and doing everything they can to try and make up for their actions. I'm so sorry you are going through this! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyndie Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 :grouphug: My heart aches for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OhM Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Now, they both decided to "go back to their families", but how can I trust him ever again? :grouphug::grouphug: It takes much longer to rebuild trust than it did to destroy it. A counselor would be extremely helpful to the process. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 :iagree: I don't even think you were naive. You held up your part of the bargain by trusting him. He's the one who failed here. Don't spend a second of your time or an ounce of your strength kicking yourself. :grouphug: :iagree: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Dominion Heather Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I'm so sorry to hear this. May I gently suggest that you and your husband get some counseling as soon as you possibly can? This is something that will take time to work through if you are wiling to try. Be careful who you tell in real life, but find someone neutral who can help both you and your husband... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Thank you so much for your prayers and support. I was always proud of our relationship, I always perceived him as an extremely truthful person, to the point of being blunt. That's why it hit me so hard. She was a "friend" of mine. For goodness sake, she came over with her son last Saturday to play in the pool with the girls. Only right before that she slept with my husband for the first time. I am completely flabbergasted that they both had a gall to come to our house right after that and pretend that everything is peachy! I read the signs, but just could not believe it. Now, they both decided to "go back to their families", but how can I trust him ever again? Oh honey! :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I'm in tears here for you. I agree that a counselor is a very good idea to help you walk this path. I don't know how you found out, but I hope he at least had the nerve to tell you himself. I'm so, so sorry. Do you have family or friends nearby that you can lean on for help? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jacqui in mo Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I'm sooo sorry this has happened to you! It's extremely hard to see right now but this can make you and your marriage stronger but it will take a long time with lots of work. You might want to start journaling your feelings. Just write and write as the thoughts come to you. It will help you start to clarify your thoughts and feel a little more in control. My dh & I just had a minor version of what you're going through, and even though it was nothing physical, as I was finding out about it my heart pounded for hours and hours. I can't imagine how much worse it is for you right now. A book that also helped me understand my feelings and what steps to take was "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Not written with a specific Christian worldview (which I usually try to stick with in a counseling book), it is very helpful information from a secular POV. I would also second you and your dh seeking out a therapist to work with you at sorting out this mess and helping you know how to pick up the pieces. This is so hard on your own at this level. Again, I feel for you and will be praying for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendow1 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 :grouphug: I'm so sorry! I also went through something similar & I was pg also. I was so afraid the entire pg that I would lose my baby b/c I was stressed and didn't eat hardly at all. I cramped & bled all the time. I couldn't sleep. Well, babies have a way of taking care of themselves! Not only did my dd stay in the oven until it was time to come out but she was 8 1/2 lbs--my biggest baby!! Anyway, try not to worry about your baby & just work on taking care of yourself and resting as much as you can! You did nothing wrong here! But you can come out of this stronger than ever and if you are able to forgive your dh, your marriage can be stronger as well!:grouphug: again!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brigitte Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I am so sorry. Try to take care of yourself as best you can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I'm so incredibly sorry that you're going through this. I echo those who have said that none of this is your fault, this isn't your being naive, this is him breaking a sacred trust that ought never be broken. Praying for you and your bean :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katemary63 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 So very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tami Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I am so sorry you are going through this type of pain! My best wishes as you go through the grieving process and decide how to proceed. One expert in the field of affair-proofing marriage and surviving an affair is Dr. Bill Harley. Take some time to check out his website, and I think it will help you work through your feelings and come up with a survival plan. His book, Surviving an Affair, would be a great resource for you. I'm sorry that your trust and relationship have been violated by others who made a stupid, selfish decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KidsHappen Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Oh hon, I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this. My heart aches for you. A marriage can recover but it such hard work and it takes such a very long time and I can imagine that being pregnant and having a newborn makes it even harder. I agree that counseling will help with that process and hard lines need to be drawn. That person needs to be completely removed from your life, no matter what it takes. Drastics measures if neccessary. I pray that you find the strength and that the baby will be fine. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 My heart aches for you! Big hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I'm so sorry. I think counseling for you both is an excellent idea. If you can't get him to go right away then you need to go alone. You also have to get away from your "friend" and your dh needs to stay away from her too. Does her husband know? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomLovesClassics Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I am so sorry this happened to you. Right now you have your health to take care of, and your baby to take care of, that should come first. NO STRESS! Someone who sleeps with your husband is not a friend. I would tell her so, and tell her to stay away from you, and if she attempts to contact you you will get a restraining order against her. Her husband should be told. It is up to them what they do with their marriage. None of this is your fault. If you choose to forgive your husband, that is your choice. At the same time, he needs to know he betrayed you and it is not acceptable. He should earn your trust and respect. It may take some time. In the mean time do what is less stressful for you. If you are more comfortable with him sleeping on the sofa, let him sleep on the sofa. He should be treating you like a queen right now. This child you carry is a precious gift from God. This baby deserves the best you can do. I would tell him, "Our baby does not deserve the stress of what you have done to this family. We need counseling, to keep our family together and strong." Let him know that you need to learn how to trust him again, and you need his help to do so. Don't get upset and argue about it, remain calm. If it stresses you take some alone time to release the stress. Don't let what they did hurt you, then it has power over you. You must release it, and move forward. It will be difficult, we are all here for you. You must remain strong for that life that is depending on Mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted May 27, 2009 Author Share Posted May 27, 2009 Thank you so much!:grouphug: He did have enough courage to tell me everything by himself. I talked to her yesterday as soon as I found out and told her to keep away from my family or else it's going to be ugly. I told her that I'm not going to slash her tires, but might change my mind. :tongue_smilie: She said she's planning to tell her husband and "work on their relationship". At this point I don't care about their family, but I did pray for them last night. We're going to counseling with our pastor tonight and my friend came and picked my kids up to spend the rest of the day at her house. My husband's father is a retired pastor and I plan to to talk to him and MIL with or without their son. Right now I feel like I'm fighting for my marriage. Not for myself, but for the girls and the baby-bean. I really don't want them to get hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 You are being very proactive. That shows real strength and courage. I'm praying for all of you! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denisemomof4 Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I'm so absolutely sorry for you, sweetie. My heart just breaks for you. I'm SO sorry your husband AND your friend broke your trust. They both failed you. It will be SO hard to every trust your husband again, but with time and help, perhaps you can. Please, please focus on YOURSELF and your baby now. I hope and pray that your baby will remain healthy. Your pain is very raw right now. Take some time to mourn and then you need to have a good, long chat with your husband. I'm so sorry, Inna. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 :grouphug: Inna, I'm so sorry. I'm very, very proud that you're fighting for your marriage. You're doing the right thing, dear one. It will be a long road, but you can recover from this and you will be stronger on the other side. Take care of yourself and that tiny boy of yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 I talked to her yesterday as soon as I found out and told her to keep away from my family or else it's going to be ugly. I told her that I'm not going to slash her tires, but might change my mind. :tongue_smilie:She said she's planning to tell her husband and "work on their relationship". At this point I don't care about their family, but I did pray for them last night. We're going to counseling with our pastor tonight and my friend came and picked my kids up to spend the rest of the day at her house. My husband's father is a retired pastor and I plan to to talk to him and MIL with or without their son. Right now I feel like I'm fighting for my marriage. Not for myself, but for the girls and the baby-bean. I really don't want them to get hurt. Wow, Inna -- I think you are absolutely amazing, and although I don't really know you, I'm so proud of you! You have managed to take so many positive steps already, in the middle of all this incredible shock, and you've even confronted the other woman and let her know that you're strong and capable, and that she's not getting away with anything anymore. GOOD FOR YOU!!! I think the most encouraging thing is that your dh admitted what he did, without having gotten caught first. If you and your family weren't important to him, that never would have happened, so at least that's something to hold on to. Personally, I'd still be ready to hit him over the head with something heavy (and he's got to sleep sometime...) but I'm sure you feel the same way, but are more sensible than I am. I'm glad you're going for some counseling, because this is a huge thing, and I have no idea how you will regain your trust in your dh, so I hope your pastor can be of help to you. If not, find another counselor. I wish I had some advice for you, but all I have are hugs and prayers. Besides, I can tell that you're one smart cookie, and you'll find a way through this. Just remember to look out for yourself first, and if your dh starts coming up with excuses for why he did what he did, make sure you never, ever, ever let him cast one iota of blame on you. No matter what kind of wife you've been, your dh took a vow, and if he wanted other women, he should have ended the marriage first, and then started shopping around. There's no excuse for what he did -- just weakness -- and it was his weakness, not any fault of yours! Sorry to go on and on about that, but I just want to be sure you don't start looking for "reasons" why your dh may have strayed... it's really easy to start blaming yourself, when you shouldn't! None of this is your fault. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 You are being very proactive. That shows real strength and courage. I'm praying for all of you! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Inna, I'm so sorry. I'm very, very proud that you're fighting for your marriage. You're doing the right thing, dear one. It will be a long road, but you can recover from this and you will be stronger on the other side. Take care of yourself and that tiny boy of yours. :iagree: One last :grouphug: from me. You are very strong; I know you'll get yourself and your little ones through this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newlifemom Posted May 27, 2009 Share Posted May 27, 2009 Wow, Inna -- I think you are absolutely amazing, and although I don't really know you, I'm so proud of you! You have managed to take so many positive steps already, in the middle of all this incredible shock, and you've even confronted the other woman and let her know that you're strong and capable, and that she's not getting away with anything anymore. GOOD FOR YOU!!! I think the most encouraging thing is that your dh admitted what he did, without having gotten caught first. If you and your family weren't important to him, that never would have happened, so at least that's something to hold on to. Personally, I'd still be ready to hit him over the head with something heavy (and he's got to sleep sometime...) but I'm sure you feel the same way, but are more sensible than I am. I'm glad you're going for some counseling, because this is a huge thing, and I have no idea how you will regain your trust in your dh, so I hope your pastor can be of help to you. If not, find another counselor. I wish I had some advice for you, but all I have are hugs and prayers. Besides, I can tell that you're one smart cookie, and you'll find a way through this. Just remember to look out for yourself first, and if your dh starts coming up with excuses for why he did what he did, make sure you never, ever, ever let him cast one iota of blame on you. No matter what kind of wife you've been, your dh took a vow, and if he wanted other women, he should have ended the marriage first, and then started shopping around. There's no excuse for what he did -- just weakness -- and it was his weakness, not any fault of yours! Sorry to go on and on about that, but I just want to be sure you don't start looking for "reasons" why your dh may have strayed... it's really easy to start blaming yourself, when you shouldn't! None of this is your fault. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Cat What she said! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paula in PA Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Inna, I am so, so sorry for you. It's not easy and it takes time, but as long as you are both determined to do whatever it takes to make it right, especially him, it can be done. That he is willing to go to counseling is a great sign. Take hope from that. I don't know if you do yahoo email lists or not, but there are several for survivors of infidelity. The one I belonged to was an enormous help and support for me. It might be something to look into. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClassicMom Posted May 28, 2009 Share Posted May 28, 2009 Oh Sweetie, my heart breaks for you and tears flow for you as I try to type. I can't imagine the heartache you must be going through. You have shown true strength and courage by doing the right thing and setting up the counseling appointment with your pastor and realizing that as angry and as hurt as you are, your family comes first. While in counseling with my husband, our pastor told us that re-building trust is the hardest thing to do and we weren't dealing with the same issue. I urge you to take this one step at a time and as Elizabeth Elliot says, "do the next thing". Don't allow yourself to get overwhelmed. Get lots of rest for you and your precious little package from heaven. You have a lot of support here and we will lift you up in prayer whenever you need us. Make sure that you have IRL support around you too; friends, family, church family too. They will help to carry you when you can't carry yourself. Then focus on the children at home. They can give you more strength than you possibly know. While everything seems so dark and impossible now, remember that God can do alll things. I know that words such as this seem like platitudes right now, but I will keep you lifted in prayer along with your precious family. Allow yourself to grieve what you have lost. May God grant you the peace and serenity to obtain a deep and restful sleep tonight so that you will wake refreshed and ready to face the day tomorrow. Father, I ask that you watch over Inna tonight and her sweet little baby and keep them ever so safe from the stress that they are facing today. Allow her rest this this evening and keep the girls quietly entertained so that she can get to bed early and peacefully. Father I pray that you do a miracle in her marriage through the counceling that she and her husband are attending and ask that you bring them forgiveness, unity and oneness through you. I pray all of this in your son's name. Amen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted May 29, 2009 Share Posted May 29, 2009 How are you feeling tonight, Inna? I hope you and the baby are ok! :grouphug: Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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