Anyone else have a kid who is absolutely miserable? Advice?

[Karen sn]

I do not like my dd at all lately.

She is nice enough to spiders and turtles and all wildlife, but she is a real downer to the rest of us humans. She does nothing but complain. She's so head strong that she is ALWAYS cutting off her nose to spite her face. She wants everyone to know that she is miserable....even if she is actually enjoying herself.

 

She complains about everything.

She is never happy - ever.

 

She has been this way her entire life.

 

I do not like her at all this morning.

The only nice thing I can say about her is that she will defend the weak - whether it's a bug or a small child.

But she is just miserable to everyone else.

 

She threw my mother's day card away before she gave it to me because she is just so miserable.

I did nothing to her that day. She was just mad at the world and I paid the price.

 

If one small thing in her day goes a little different than she had planned - well, she just says that she will not do whatever fun thing I have planned.

She doesn't like anything.

 

Literally.

 

I have learned not to ask if she likes a single thing because she will say no.

Without even thinking - she says no.

When we moved into a house with a pool, my mother asked her if she liked the house - immediately said no.

But then later that same day I heard her talking to a friend and she acted excited about the house because she liked the pool.

 

I think she gets off on making everyone miserable.

At this rate - I seriously don't want to associate with her.

I can not imagine spending another mandatory 6 years with this miserable child.

 

She is worse than Eeyore.

 

Anyone have a BTDT piece of advice for me....PLEASE!!!!!

Edited May 14, 2009 by Karen sn

[The Girls' Mom]

I don't have any advice really, but I have a niece that is exactly like that. She will be 14 next month. She too has been that way since birth. EVERYTHING makes her mad or unhappy. And EVERYTHING is against her. I love her dearly, but I do feel bad for her, because she's going to have a miserable life with that attitude. I tend to just ignore her temper, and kill her with kindness...but I don't have to live with her. I think it would be hard.

[Snickerdoodle]

Obviously, I don't know your daughter but I will say that when I meet people like that (and I do know a couple of persons who are similar to your daughter) my feeling is that they are that way because they are very guarded with their real feelings. It could be that they are very, very sensitive and display negative characteristics as a way to protect themselves from what they feel will be inevitable disappointment.

[4kiddies]

Well this may seem harsh and I will say that my kids are younger so this isn't a btdt but my feeling is if she wants to be miserable give her a reason to be miserable. I would strip her room of everything but a mattress on the floor and a sheet and tell her if she wants to be unhappy and miserable then she can spend her time in there. And then make her go in there and stay there until she can be civil. Don't let her dictate the mood of the house. Don't let her play on your feelings, which is what she was trying to do with the card.

[Snickerdoodle]

I would strip her room of everything but a mattress on the floor and a sheet and tell her if she wants to be unhappy and miserable then she can spend her time in there.

 

I don't agree with this. The girl is already miserable. No need to prove to her that the world is a miserable place.

 

When we moved into a house with a pool, my mother asked her if she liked the house - immediately said no.

But then later that same day I heard her talking to a friend and she acted excited about the house because she liked the pool.

 

 

See, I think she *is* being guarded with her feelings. Is there a trust issue between your daughter and members of your family? Maybe she perceives there to be a trust issue?

[Danestress]

I wonder if she is resisting expressing happiness because she knows you want her to and she doesn't want to give you the satisfaction?

 

Is she controlling and given to power struggles about things like food, bed times, clothing?

[4kiddies]

I don't agree with this. The girl is already miserable. No need to prove to her that the world is a miserable place.

 

 

 

See, I think she *is* being guarded with her feelings. Is there a trust issue between your daughter and members of your family? Maybe she perceives there to be a trust issue?

 

Now I take this as she is nice to everyone else BUT her family. She's being crappy to her family because they are allowing it. That is why I would make her earn back her stuff by being nice to her family. JMO.

 

Now if she is truly miserable ALL. THE.TIME. to EVERYONE...well that is a different story and maybe she needs professional help.

[clarkacademy]

I feel your pain My daughter hit 10 two years ago and my happy child left the building.

[Karen sn]

I wonder if she is resisting expressing happiness because she knows you want her to and she doesn't want to give you the satisfaction?

 

Is she controlling and given to power struggles about things like food, bed times, clothing?

 

No. She eats well, goes to bed, wears decent clothes.

No power struggles at all, ever. She knows I am boss and generally does what I say the first time.

[amy g.]

I have one that is not that bad, but definitely more sensitive and negative than my other children.

 

The trap is that she acts negative, I don't want to be around her. She feels bad, and acts worse.

 

As the adult, I have to break the cycle. When I'm fed up with her, I force myself to say something nice such as, "That outfit looks so good together." or "I'm so glad that I have one child I can count on to wash her own dishes!"

 

The positive attention really starts working on her. I was shocked this week when she spent her own money to buy all of the other kids a snack at the gas station. I tried to pay for it, but she really wanted it to be from her.

[Karen sn]

Now I take this as she is nice to everyone else BUT her family. She's being crappy to her family because they are allowing it. That is why I would make her earn back her stuff by being nice to her family. JMO.

 

Now if she is truly miserable ALL. THE.TIME. to EVERYONE...well that is a different story and maybe she needs professional help.

 

She is not only miserable with her family, it is everyone.

But she does have friends because she plays well outside and isn't afraid to get dirty. Her friends really like her. She plays hard.

[MamaT]

Well this may seem harsh and I will say that my kids are younger so this isn't a btdt but my feeling is if she wants to be miserable give her a reason to be miserable. I would strip her room of everything but a mattress on the floor and a sheet and tell her if she wants to be unhappy and miserable then she can spend her time in there. And then make her go in there and stay there until she can be civil. Don't let her dictate the mood of the house. Don't let her play on your feelings, which is what she was trying to do with the card.

 

I agree with this. No child in my house is allowed to make everyone else miserable. At the same time, I agree with amy g. that it's your job to try to turn the attitude around. I would over the top praise her for a good attitude, but would show her that a crappy one will get her nowhere.

[Karen sn]

Obviously, I don't know your daughter but I will say that when I meet people like that (and I do know a couple of persons who are similar to your daughter) my feeling is that they are that way because they are very guarded with their real feelings. It could be that they are very, very sensitive and display negative characteristics as a way to protect themselves from what they feel will be inevitable disappointment.

 

I think this might be a little of it.

But good god how much can I take!?

 

She is just never really happy.

 

She loves her brother, does everything for him.

Plays with him, protects him, etc...

Good kid there.

And always does what I tell her.

 

But say she can't find her special pants that she wears to gymnastics - all of a sudden she hates gymnastics and wants to quit (cutting off her nose to spite her face). I know she is a lot like me (tubborn, sensitive) - but I am nothing like that!!!!

[klmama]

Karen, have you looked into childhood depression or other mood disorders? Just a thought....

[HeatherLynn]

Well this may seem harsh and I will say that my kids are younger so this isn't a btdt but my feeling is if she wants to be miserable give her a reason to be miserable. I would strip her room of everything but a mattress on the floor and a sheet and tell her if she wants to be unhappy and miserable then she can spend her time in there. And then make her go in there and stay there until she can be civil. Don't let her dictate the mood of the house. Don't let her play on your feelings, which is what she was trying to do with the card.

 

Now I take this as she is nice to everyone else BUT her family. She's being crappy to her family because they are allowing it. That is why I would make her earn back her stuff by being nice to her family. JMO.

 

Now if she is truly miserable ALL. THE.TIME. to EVERYONE...well that is a different story and maybe she needs professional help.

 

I agree with both statements above.

 

I have one that is not that bad, but definitely more sensitive and negative than my other children.

 

The trap is that she acts negative, I don't want to be around her. She feels bad, and acts worse.

 

As the adult, I have to break the cycle. When I'm fed up with her, I force myself to say something nice such as, "That outfit looks so good together." or "I'm so glad that I have one child I can count on to wash her own dishes!"

 

The positive attention really starts working on her. I was shocked this week when she spent her own money to buy all of the other kids a snack at the gas station. I tried to pay for it, but she really wanted it to be from her.

 

I also think this is a good idea, but if it doesn't work, #1) counseling, #2) see above.

[rowan25]

I wonder if she is resisting expressing happiness because she knows you want her to and she doesn't want to give you the satisfaction?

 

Is she controlling and given to power struggles about things like food, bed times, clothing?

 

This is how my dd can be. She's not miserable all the time, but definitely some of the time. My dad and my hubby can usually joke her out of it. My mom and I usually ignore her until it stops. She can't stand that, so it works for us.

[KarenC]

He glass is ALWAYS half empty. She has been a difficult child since the day she was born.

 

She has a hard time making friends, partly because she is an introvert and partly because she doesn't seem to realize that her behavior turns people off. Her sisters both make friends very easily and I know this frustrates and upsets her. We have been working hard to find friends that she "clicks" with.

 

I have finally gotten her to stop scowling when she approaches a group of people. I don't think she realized what she was doing, she gets nervous with people she doesn't know very well. Of course a scowl doesn't make you appear very friendly.

 

She is 10 now, and we have found one girl that she gets along very well with, but it's a battle dealing with other kids. She has been a target of a bully on her soccer team for a year now and that has been difficult.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, try to find out what is making her unhappy and then try to help her work around it. Because something must be wrong, she couldn't be making everyone else miserable is she were happy.

 

Be patient, I have the feeling it's going to be a loooong road.

 

Karen

[Danestress]

No. She eats well, goes to bed, wears decent clothes.

No power struggles at all, ever. She knows I am boss and generally does what I say the first time.

 

Since she's basically a good girl but just has this personality, I would take the approach of helping her work on a bad habit of being negative. That way, you can be on her "team" rather than her critic and punisher, you know?

 

I would come up with a plan alongside with her that would give some room to complain as long as she recognizes that's what she is doing and puts a limit on it. Then there would be humor and reminders and just some kind of "plan" to "help" her not be negative.

[LibraryLover]

I think some people come into the world a little morose. I have one child, while not quite so vocal as yours, tends to see the cup half empty. He's super-sensitive and I can see a lot of my father and brother in him, so the personality type is not unknown to me. I find that the less I engage, the better. My dh and our other kids are half full people, and I am somewhere in the middle. The rest of us tend to see things in a more postivie light, while this child can get sidetracked by worst- case scenario. It's challenging when these types of temperments clash in a family.

 

I don't have any magical ideas, and I do know it can be draining.

[Maria/ME]

Just some thoughts...you know your daughter best and what she'd respond to our not, so take what I have to say with a grain of salt...

 

....sometimes negativity is underlying anger, helplessness or frustration. Even if you don't think she has anything to be angry/frustrated about...she might. It just seems to be part of her personality but one that is bringing everyone down. As someone who has, at a older age, had to change ingrained habits and attitudes let me say it would've been easier to learn 'how-to' at a younger age! So help her now!

 

I'm assuming she knows about her negativity. She may need lots of parent time to talk about her attitude. She seems very all or nothing...can this be discussed, focused on with the idea that as a family you want to help her become the best person she can be. That she needs to work on her attitude to better get along in society??

 

My personal experience and belief is that loving and firm attention about her general attitude will help her in the long run. Cutting her off, punishing her for her personality while seemingly helpful in the short run may add to build anger/frustration that she'll carry through to her adolescence. But firm boundaries and consequences.

 

Sometimes I'll look at my daughter and say "You're really miserable right now aren't you? I'm sorry. We'll fix this together, but you need to put forth some effort at being less negative..." I don't always get results in the short run, but slowly she's become less all or nothing. She'll even catch herself saying things like "This ruins my WHOLE LIFE!" to..."This ruins...my day...well, it ruins right now,anyway..and I'm really MAD!"

 

Just thoughts...that may or may not work for your dd. Every personality is so different. Sorry you and your family are going through this. It's rough and can really drain a person. Negativity is draining for everyone.

 

BTW, I LOVE this series! It may be a bit "young" but some of the titles helped us at least be able to talk to each other better...

 

(((((hugs)))))))

[Wendi]

My ds has been going through a book with his counselor called "What to Do When You Grumble Too Much". He recommends it. You might want to consider going through this book with your child, and helping her put some of the ideas into practice.

 

Wendi

[katemary63]

First of all, I am really sorry you are going through this. I have a "difficult" child too, ( not in the same way exactly, but trying to be sure) I don't know how I would handle this but I do know one thing. Regardless of the reasons she is negative, be it depression, habit, or controle, I would make sure that her negativity had consequences. I would not let it work for her at all - ever.

 

For example, I would NOT take her to gymnastics if she said she hated it. I would make a rule: If you say you hate it or are negative about it AT ALL, your not going that day. It's just a rule, she has all the controle. Don't be mean, don't be angry, just don't go. I would aply this to all activities, and even interaction with you.

 

I tend to lean towards maybe she is in a bad habit that works for her but I would also have her checked for depression. God Bless.

[WTMCassandra]

But say she can't find her special pants that she wears to gymnastics - all of a sudden she hates gymnastics and wants to quit (cutting off her nose to spite her face). I know she is a lot like me (tubborn, sensitive) - but I am nothing like that!!!!

 

This gave me an idea. We've talked before on the boards about a numbering system. It sounds to me like she has no "scale" for her frustrations. Everything is a "10" to her, while things like not being able to find her special pants is really a "2." Could you talk with her about a scaling system and start helping her practice?

[SwimmyKids]

Have you and your husband asked yourselves whether she wants to go to school? Not every child thrives in homeschooling.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Karen, have you looked into childhood depression or other mood disorders? Just a thought....

 

This was my first thought as well. She sounds like me when I was younger, especially the tantrums. It took another ten years to realize those tantrums coincided with certain hormonal shifts that occur around that age. And yes, another five years after that (when I was 26) I was diagnosed with depression. Still take the meds, and I wish I had been diagnosed much younger so I had a chance to enjoy my adolescence at least a little bit.

 

ETA: Just went back and read this:

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, try to find out what is making her unhappy and then try to help her work around it. Because something must be wrong, she couldn't be making everyone else miserable is she were happy.

This really confirms my feeling that it could be childhood depression. Sometimes there IS no reason to be unhappy, but you still are. Classic depression. And you know, even now when I am slipping into depression, I react by being more snarky, negative, etc. Someone who didn't know me (or maybe even those who do) would just think I was mean, not sad.

 

Regardless of the reasons she is negative, be it depression, habit, or controle, I would make sure that her negativity had consequences. I would not let it work for her at all - ever.

 

And this, I'm sorry to say, I do not agree with. If it is in fact depression, then it is unfair to punish her for being negative. Her condition is punishment enough. I firmly believe depression has a biological cause to it about 90% of the time. Just like you wouldn't punish someone with cancer for feeling sick, you should not punish someone who is depressed for being negative. Help her see the positive side in things, yes, but punish her for expressing negativity, no. Edited May 14, 2009 by OH_Homeschooler

[Starr]

It is terribly hard not to get sucked in to a child's misery. Whatever approach and plan you make you can't take on her pain. Try to find a plan that can be implemented with minimal fuss. My dd would give me her pain when something didn't work out. Once I lost it with her she'd cheer up and I was miserable. :) I started sending her to her room until she felt like being nice and socializing with the family. Over time this has worked quite well. We are still working on the cup half empty now that she is in her teens. She's also very sensitive. Love her lots!

[skaterbabs]

It could also be food sensitivity. My eldest is a lot like her, and actually has a DX of ADHD/ODD. We have a philosophical problem with giving brain-altering medications to children who's brains are still developing, so we decided to go the route of dietary changes first.

 

Within weeks DS was literally a different child. Even the vice principal at his scool noticed the difference, a real change from pushing us to medicate a short time before. He'd been well known for his negative moods - one mildly annoying thing would throw him completely over the edge and he's be impossible for two days. After we started the Feingold Program, instead of two days of bratty behaviour, we'd see twenty minutes of it. The website is www.feingold.org

[Snickerdoodle]

It is terribly hard not to get sucked in to a child's misery.

 

Imagine that you are a rock. Let the waves of her emotions flow by and over you, not through you.

[myfunnybunch]

Since she's basically a good girl but just has this personality, I would take the approach of helping her work on a bad habit of being negative. That way, you can be on her "team" rather than her critic and punisher, you know?

 

I would come up with a plan alongside with her that would give some room to complain as long as she recognizes that's what she is doing and puts a limit on it. Then there would be humor and reminders and just some kind of "plan" to "help" her not be negative.

 

I agree.

 

Punishing her for having a negative outlook/personality just reinforces that negative world view. At least it did for my daughter. It made things worse, way worse. She felt that her main ally was against her.

 

Teaming up to solve the problem will help your dd feel as though she's got someone on her side.

 

It's still not okay to make everyone around her miserable just because she is. Look for the positive: She is able to identify problems. (LOL. Sort of.) Now she needs to learn which she can solve and how to solve them, and which she can't and how to deal with them.

 

And, I feel your pain. Do I. It is a challenge to live with a negative person and not get sucked into the black hole.

 

Cat

[mom4him]

I do not like my dd at all lately.

She is nice enough to spiders and turtles and all wildlife, but she is a real downer to the rest of us humans. She does nothing but complain. She's so head strong that she is ALWAYS cutting off her nose to spite her face. She wants everyone to know that she is miserable....even if she is actually enjoying herself.

 

She complains about everything.

She is never happy - ever.

 

She has been this way her entire life.

 

I do not like her at all this morning.

The only nice thing I can say about her is that she will defend the weak - whether it's a bug or a small child.

But she is just miserable to everyone else.

 

She threw my mother's day card away before she gave it to me because she is just so miserable.

I did nothing to her that day. She was just mad at the world and I paid the price.

 

If one small thing in her day goes a little different than she had planned - well, she just says that she will not do whatever fun thing I have planned.

She doesn't like anything.

 

Literally.

 

I have learned not to ask if she likes a single thing because she will say no.

Without even thinking - she says no.

When we moved into a house with a pool, my mother asked her if she liked the house - immediately said no.

But then later that same day I heard her talking to a friend and she acted excited about the house because she liked the pool.

 

I think she gets off on making everyone miserable.

At this rate - I seriously don't want to associate with her.

I can not imagine spending another mandatory 6 years with this miserable child.

 

She is worse than Eeyore.

 

Anyone have a BTDT piece of advice for me....PLEASE!!!!!

I would start by looking at food(diet) and environment(cleaning, laundry,personal product).

I would NOT punish her in any way at this point until you know that non of these things are not affecting her.

There is a book called Sleep Talk. http://www.amazon.com/Sleep-Talk-Breakthrough-Technique-Transitions/dp/0809228009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242318725&sr=1-1 If your daughter is a sound sleeper this book might be helpful to you.

I hope you find some answers for her.

Just as a side note. When we were going through a really difficult time with our ds and him and I had had an extremely hard day together, I was tucking him in to bed that evening. After I had prayed with him, I stood up and bent over him, told him I love him. He was about 4 at the time. I looked down at him and he had tears in his eyes and said to me with a small broken voice, "I know mom."

I left him and cried. I realized at that point that he didn't like the way he was anymore than I did. It was the beginning. I quit punishing him for things that were at that point out of his control and truly started looking for help/a solution to our problem.

[katilac]

This gave me an idea. We've talked before on the boards about a numbering system. It sounds to me like she has no "scale" for her frustrations. Everything is a "10" to her, while things like not being able to find her special pants is really a "2." Could you talk with her about a scaling system and start helping her practice?

 

The number system worked VERY well for us, although it took a while. It wasn't grumpiness and anger for mine, but tears and dramatic grief/distress are just as draining, :lol:.

 

We would talk about the 'scale' at calm times, and use reminders at upset times. We all enjoyed role playing over-the-top reactions to minor issues during the calm times, and at upset times I would remind them to match their reaction to the number.

 

We talked in details about what is and isn't an appropriate reaction, and about how extreme reactions and moods aren't fair to the people around you. It was mostly discussion and reminders, but sometimes I did REQUIRE a do-over of their reaction. If they were too upset at the time, the do-over might come hours later.

 

At your dd's age, I would be very honest and open about the fact that this behavior might cause people to dislike her, or not want to be around her much even if they do like her.

Edited May 14, 2009 by katilac

[Tap]

DD10 went through this about 2 years ago. She whined and complained about everything. Let me emphasis that dds wasn't depressed, just whining and loved to complain.

 

What worked for us, was to put a piece of paper on the fridge and every time (and I mean Every time) she whined or complained she had to put a hash mark on the paper. If she whined about the has mark...she made two. It was a point of realization for her of just how often she whined or complained. We kept it up for about a week. If we were in the middle of something like dinner and she complained, she still had to get up and make her hash mark.

 

Along with this we had a long talk with her about the fact that her life really wasn't miserable and made many, many points to that fact. We basically went on for 30 minutes detailing how many things she has to be happy for and how much of her life is easier that her friends, and how many luxuries she has. I told her I expected her attitude to change, and would help her do so. I also started cutting out any tv shows that modeled that behavior, often shows that had a rich kid brat character. We talked about the fact that NO one will want to hang out with an endless complainer, including the family. We emphasised that she was choosing this way of looking at the world, and that she could choose to look at it another way. We talked a lot over the next week about the choices she was making and how she was looking for things to complain about instead of focusing on the positive. For dd it wasn't uncommon to hear her complain about things like "I would like my birthday present better if it was wrapped in teddy bear paper, because I didn't like the wrapping paper you used, so it makes me not like the present". So, after the week was up and she was starting to see what she was doing, I then broke the 'good' news to her, that from then on if she complained about something unnecessarily...it was going in the garbage...period. no. questions. asked. I told her that if the item brought her that much grief, that she didn't need it in her life, and that she should just get rid of it. It only took twice, for her to realize that I was serious. We continued to concentrate on the efforts over the next few months and honestly now, she is a darling, appreciative kid again. We talked a lot about disappointments and appropriate ways to express them.

 

I gave her huge accolades each time she was noticeably trying to change. I gave her huge hugs when I saw sunniness instead of clouds. I rewarded the positive, and we slowly started to ignore that negative as it came down to a normal level. We really tried to make sure that any attention given during these times were for the improvements, and not rewarding the negative.

Edited May 14, 2009 by Tap, tap, tap

[katemary63]

I then broke the 'good' news to her, that from then on if she complained about something unnecessarily...it was going in the garbage...period. no. questions. asked. I told her that if the item brought her that much grief, that she didn't need it in her life, and that she should just get rid of it. It only took twice, for her to realize that I was serious. quote]

 

Well, this is exactly what I was talking about when I said don't take her to gymnastics. I just can't imagine having a kid screaming that they hate something and taking them anyway. It is not punishment. It is holding her accountable to her own words and behavior. An excellent life lesson done in love.

[coralloyd]

Well this may seem harsh and I will say that my kids are younger so this isn't a btdt but my feeling is if she wants to be miserable give her a reason to be miserable. I would strip her room of everything but a mattress on the floor and a sheet and tell her if she wants to be unhappy and miserable then she can spend her time in there. And then make her go in there and stay there until she can be civil. Don't let her dictate the mood of the house. Don't let her play on your feelings, which is what she was trying to do with the card.

 

I disagree. I'd do the opposite. Love on her. Take her on a few mommy daughter dates. Play the glad game, with yourself (and maybe with her too). I understand you are frustrated right now :grouphug:. However, dwell on her good quailties, and encourage her in those.

 

You say you don't like her, she feels this from you, and it just adds fuel to the fire. When my dd is moody I find if I sit down and talk to her (once I have calmed down :tongue_smilie:), to find out what is wrong, it really helps. At first I get the "Nothing", "I don't know" answers. If I dig, by gently asking questions, she'll let it out eventually. Hope you find something that works :grouphug:.

[rowan25]

This gave me an idea. We've talked before on the boards about a numbering system. It sounds to me like she has no "scale" for her frustrations. Everything is a "10" to her, while things like not being able to find her special pants is really a "2." Could you talk with her about a scaling system and start helping her practice?

That's a good idea. I'll have to remember this one!

[mktyler]

Have her evaluated for depression. While I agree that there can be underlying causes for moodiness (for my husband it was celiac sprue), some people also have real, neurological problems. If she had cancer, you probably wouldn't hesitate to give her medication that is utterly toxic. I don't see the difference in giving her medication for depression. Its all about evaluating risks and benefits. All treatments have side effects; but then, so do all illnesses. Our minds can get into feedback loops that make it nigh on impossible to get out of.

 

If she does have depression, medication can be an important component of healing--not the complete answer. Behavior/Cognitive Therapy is another important component. I have been through rounds and rounds of depression since I was young. While I hate being on medication and going to therapy, I hate it less than being depressed. The therapy is not necessarily about trauma, but about developing the life skills you need for the neurology and situations you have been given; how to talk yourself out of things, how to see the other person's point of view, how to nurture yourself and set limits for yourself.

 

Find a doctor you trust and who listens. I would go to someone specializing in kids. Don't wait and make her and yourself suffer any longer than necessary.

 

Melissa

Minnesota

Reading Program Junkie

dd(11) dd(6) ds(5) ds(1)

[skaterbabs]

Well, this is exactly what I was talking about when I said don't take her to gymnastics. I just can't imagine having a kid screaming that they hate something and taking them anyway. It is not punishment. It is holding her accountable to her own words and behavior. An excellent life lesson done in love.

 

 

This only works with some kids; for kids who will cut off their nose to spite their face it absolutely does NOT work and makes things worse.

 

Some kids are definately more of a challenge than others, and parenting tools that work with "normal" kids are useles for them. OP, if you haven't read Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Raising Your Spirited Child, I highly recommend you do so.

[Tree House Academy]

I do not like my dd at all lately.

She is nice enough to spiders and turtles and all wildlife, but she is a real downer to the rest of us humans. She does nothing but complain. She's so head strong that she is ALWAYS cutting off her nose to spite her face. She wants everyone to know that she is miserable....even if she is actually enjoying herself.

 

She complains about everything.

She is never happy - ever.

 

She has been this way her entire life.

 

I do not like her at all this morning.

The only nice thing I can say about her is that she will defend the weak - whether it's a bug or a small child.

But she is just miserable to everyone else.

 

She threw my mother's day card away before she gave it to me because she is just so miserable.

I did nothing to her that day. She was just mad at the world and I paid the price.

 

If one small thing in her day goes a little different than she had planned - well, she just says that she will not do whatever fun thing I have planned.

She doesn't like anything.

 

Literally.

 

I have learned not to ask if she likes a single thing because she will say no.

Without even thinking - she says no.

When we moved into a house with a pool, my mother asked her if she liked the house - immediately said no.

But then later that same day I heard her talking to a friend and she acted excited about the house because she liked the pool.

 

I think she gets off on making everyone miserable.

At this rate - I seriously don't want to associate with her.

I can not imagine spending another mandatory 6 years with this miserable child.

 

She is worse than Eeyore.

 

Anyone have a BTDT piece of advice for me....PLEASE!!!!!

 

Seriously, I think you just described my ds9. I can't really help (though I will be reading this thread closely for advice), but I can tell you that you are not alone. I always thought it was due to the divorce, (he was barely 3 when it happened) but I know lots of parents who have never been divorced who had kids that are also this way.

 

I am sorry and I definitely feel ya! My ds tore up a card to my MOTHER once for her birthday AFTER he gave it to her because he was mad at the word. He crumpled my younger son's artwork because ds5 didn't give him a piece of gum. He is just an ANGRY child. We are seeking counseling...

 

:grouphug:

[tex-mex]

Teen angst, raging hormones, or a personality disorder? I don't know what to say... :grouphug:

 

BTW, I was like this as a child, teen, and young adult. Went thru years of counseling, spiritual counsel (i.e. deliverance & inner healing), and finally, in my 30's meds to quell. It wasn't until my son (not like my personality... he IS a sweetie!) went into a coma -- later diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder called Urea Cycle Disorder (Partial OTC). The specialists then told me it is X-linked and inherited via the maternal line. Boys have the disorder and usually do not live beyond infancy. There are a small segment of carrier females (15%) like myself who are "symptomatic" and need diet/meds to regulate the liver. Basically, our bodies cannot tolerate protein (found in every day foods) and our bodies have no way to excrete the excess build up of ammonia via the Urea. It builds up to toxic levels and immediately affects the brain. Frontal lobe injury is quite common with our disorder. Executive functioning, working memory, etc. We know we need to go to the ER if irritability, anger/rage cycles, stomach aches, headaches, vomiting, mental confusion, fatigue, incoherant thoughts, etc... can lead to coma or death. So, now 40+ years later... all of the weird "quirks" and anger/depression now have a label. I only wish I knew about it decades ago. But they only have been treating this disorder with new medication since 1996.

 

http://www.nucdf.org/ucd.htm

 

However, now that we have a "label" -- it does not justify my behavior. I have learned thru counseling that even IF have a bad day or feel lousy healthwise... I have no right to take it out on others. Fortunately, God has healed a lot of that inner rage decades ago via deliverance... and to be honest, the meds for my health keep me "even" keeled that my hubby says my true personality (I'm a sweetie? Who would have guessed... LOL) comes out. It has been 5 years of relief (i.e. "normal" health) and I can honestly say that diet and meds -- and lots of support can work wonders. But there also needs to be healthy boundries -- your child needs to learn social skills of agreeing to disagree, dealing with disappointments, stress, anger, etc. in a healthy mature manner. Baby steps... it won't work overnight. But years from now, your child will thank you for standing by them during this time of turmoil. It would have been so easy for me to turn to drugs or alcohol or a lifestyle that was unseemly as an outlet for my unhappiness -- but God had other plans. I am truly thankful!

 

It won't hurt to get a full check up and labwork of your child to rule out any type of illness or disorder... just in case. After my experience, I now believe food allergies or metabolic disorders are largely unchecked and many, many people go undiagnosed. Of course, it could be just the terrible "teens" your child is pushing the barriers and creating disharmony. Hang in there!

Edited May 14, 2009 by tex-mex

[ravengal]

She sounds as if she has a need for power and a need for attention (albeit negative). She knows her behavior irks you, and complains in order to draw you into a power struggle. She feels unlikeable when you react negatively to her behavior, and the vicious cycle continues.

 

I would not homeschool a child I didn't want to be around. Dislike, even when unexpressed, is a palpable emotion that poisons relationships.

 

Barring any medical or organic reason for her behavior, a change in parental reaction will make a world of difference. The Love and Logic website and Dr. James Lehman's Total Transformation website have a wealth of resources that speak directly to the issue of how our parental reactions influence our children's behavior.

[Night Elf]

Have her evaluated for depression. While I agree that there can be underlying causes for moodiness (for my husband it was celiac sprue), some people also have real, neurological problems.

 

:iagree: I come from a family who believes depression is pure behavior. They simply don't understand it's a chemical imbalance. I can remember my family telling me so many times that I was an unhappy, miserable person and would remain so for the rest of my life. I wasn't pleasant and no one wanted to be near me. I didn't want to be near me either. It's not that no one understood, but the fact that no one ever tried to understand that really bothers me. I'd rather not go into details about the last 30 years of my life (too personal to share online), but I was diagnosed as bipolar II just 2 months ago which I think is too late to make up for everything so far. My mom thinks the doctors are lying so they can make money. She's still accusing me of being a bad person who purposefully tries to draw attention to myself by being negative. She says this latest diagnosis is a just a big show. The ironic thing is that I hardly ever talk to my family period.

 

No one has any idea how hard I try to NOT be like my mother.

 

Just to add however, I'm not trying to diagnose someone else. Just sharing my own personal life experiences.

[muffinmom]

When I read your post, I immediately thought of my friend's daughter, who sounds very much like what you have described. My friend just recently found out her daughter has Sensory Processing Disorder. She is just starting some diet changes and some occupational therapy. My friend is very hopeful for good results.

 

Here is a random website I found about it http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/index.html

 

HTH.