Addressing Christmas Cards and gender

[poppy]

Do you always write:

 

Husband &  Wife Lastname

 

I am addressing envelopes right now and I find myself writing

 

Person I Know Best & Spouse Lastname

 

So if I am socially closer to the husband: Don and Betty Draper

And if I'm socially closer to the wife: Betty and Don Draper

 

Same if they have different last names.

If I knew her better I'd put: Mila Kunis & Ashton Kutcher. 
If I knew him better I'd put: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West

 

What do you do?

 

I don't think it really matters either way, and I don't think anyone I know would be offended over either form of address.  Really more  a curiosity question than anything.

[AmandaVT]

I write them out similar to you. Also, I'm sometimes lazy and write: "Mila and Ashton" or if they have kids, "The Draper Family".

[Guest]

I don't think it matters these days, but out of habit I write Mr. and Mrs. Lastname.

[bibiche]

I don't know any women who have changed their names (though I do know one man who has), so I either address to both or, if they have children, might write the Onename Twoname Family.

[Bluegoat]

I often only adress the envelope to one person in the family, if that is the person I know.  The card will include all.

 

Or, I might write "The Smith Family" or "The Smiths" if I know everyone.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

So long as you don't do Mr. and Mrs. John Doe I think you are good.  My grandmother does it this very old fashioned way and the only reason I don't say anything is because she is ancient, but it really drives me bonkers.  As if I don't have a name and I'm the property of my husband or something.

 

 

[happypamama]

So long as you don't do Mr. and Mrs. John Doe I think you are good. My grandmother does it this very old fashioned way and the only reason I don't say anything is because she is ancient, but it really drives me bonkers. As if I don't have a name and I'm the property of my husband or something.

And, see, I happen to like seeing our names written that way. I'm not my husband's property, and he would never treat me that way, but am very happy to have taken his name as mine, and it doesn't bother me a bit to be named as Mrs. Joseph Jones. But since everyone's a little different, I think you either have to go with what you think they'd prefer or just stick with "the Jones family," and if the family has two last names, you put them in alphabetical order, "the Jones-Smith family." (But really, if you've made some reasonable effort -- i.e. you didn't put "Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Jones" when you know full well she goes by Smith -- it seems like people could be gracious and not get offended.)

[SparklyUnicorn]

And, see, I happen to like seeing our names written that way. I'm not my husband's property, and he would never treat me that way, but am very happy to have taken his name as mine, and it doesn't bother me a bit to be named as Mrs. Joseph Jones. But since everyone's a little different, I think you either have to go with what you think they'd prefer or just stick with "the Jones family," and if the family has two last names, you put them in alphabetical order, "the Jones-Smith family." (But really, if you've made some reasonable effort -- i.e. you didn't put "Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Jones" when you know full well she goes by Smith -- it seems like people could be gracious and not get offended.)

 

I guess the way I see it is she is MY grandmother.  She does not even know my husband.  She met him at the wedding and that was it.  Now suddenly I have disappeared?  It's just him...and I'm the Mrs.? 

But, again, I think it's just old fashioned. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Ultimately I'd rather someone use my first name than Mrs.  Especially if they know me.  My grandmother has never called me Miss or Mrs.  What would she think if I called her that? 

 

[Butter]

I address them the way you do.

 

My mom got in trouble with my BIL for doing that, though.  He was so mad that my mom would write Sister'sName and BILsName LastName when she sent them things.  He felt he should be listed first.  My mom shut him down and said my sister was her daughter and so she was going on it first.  He never said another word.

 

My brother once got very, very, very excited when they got something addressed to Dr. and Mr. LastName.  Technically they are Dr. and Dr. because they both have PhDs (and he got his first), but his feminist self loved the Dr. and Mr.  :lol:

[poppy]

There is no way I'd ever address a card to "Mrs. Richard Gilmore".  Heck no.

Unless very explicitly asked to by the receiver.  But even then I'd feel a little icky.

 

I don't know any women who have changed their names (though I do know one man who has), so I either address to both or, if they have children, might write the Onename Twoname Family.

 

Right, but, do you always put the woman first, always put the man first, or have some other criteria? I'm finding my cards are a bit willy nilly.

[SparklyUnicorn]

There is no way I'd ever address a card to "Mrs. Richard Gilmore".  Heck no.

Unless very explicitly asked to by the receiver.  But even then I'd feel a little icky.

 

 

Right, but, do you always put the woman first, always put the man first, or have some other criteria? I'm finding my cards are a bit willy nilly.

 

I have never thought about this myself, but I would probably put the person I was closest to first.  When there is no difference I put the woman first.  Just cuz.

 

So, I don't expect my husband's aunt to put me first.  That sort of thing.  And I believe this is how everyone in his family does it. 

[Chris in VA]

I'm old-fashioned.  :laugh:

I stick with the "proper" etiquette.

However, when I am addressing cards/letters to people with different last names, all bets are off. 

I still have no idea how to properly address my brother's wife, so I end up addressing their card to The her last name his last name Family. 

[Bambam]

I cheat. I simply put their last name. Because I wrote a nice note in the Christmas card addressed to the people directly (person know best, then spouse, then kids or maybe just "and family"). If someone is offended, oh well. They should just be thankful I sent them a card!

 

[Pam in CT]

When I get my act together enough to do a card, most often I address to "Smith Family" or if there are more than one last name in the family as very often is the case for a host of reasons (not just my many friends who never changed their original names, but also children from a prior marriage etc) I do "Smith-Jones-Chang-Rubin-Garcia Family".

 

But honestly I think you get Five Stars for sending the card in the first place, and it doesn't matter in the slightest how it's addressed.  In a nanosecond after arrival it will be out of the envelop, the envelop will be tossed and the card will be in the basket or on the garland or taped to the refrigerator or whatever the recipient does with holiday cards.  Do whatever seems natural.

[poppy]

Yeah, I agree, doesn't really matter. I was just surprised ot find myself thinking of the etiquette this a.m.

[Pam in CT]

Yeah, I agree, doesn't really matter. I was just surprised ot find myself thinking of the etiquette this a.m.

 

 

Yeah, I've been quite surprised myself at some of the bizarre things I've found myself ruminating over in the wee hours, over the last few weeks...

[bibiche]

There is no way I'd ever address a card to "Mrs. Richard Gilmore". Heck no.

Unless very explicitly asked to by the receiver. But even then I'd feel a little icky.

 

 

Right, but, do you always put the woman first, always put the man first, or have some other criteria? I'm finding my cards are a bit willy nilly.

For couples we have met as couples, I tend to put the woman's name first. For friends we have known for a long time who have since gotten married, I tend to put the name of the spouse first and then the friend. I am all good with willy nilly. :)

[J-rap]

I usually put the name of the person I know best first.  If for some reason it's super confusing with names, I put "The Johnson Family" or "The Johnson/Smith Family."

 

I don't even know how to address my dd's name, come to think of it!  She kept her maiden name and added her dh's last name, so they are both her last name, without a hyphen, just a space in-between.  Her dh has his first last name plus his mother's last name, which is the custom in his home country.  So the name they have in common is her second last name and his first last name.  

 

Sheesh!  I'll just have to ask her how I'm supposed to write all of that on an envelope!

 

 

Edited December 2, 2016 by J-rap

[LucyStoner]

So long as you don't do Mr. and Mrs. John Doe I think you are good. My grandmother does it this very old fashioned way and the only reason I don't say anything is because she is ancient, but it really drives me bonkers. As if I don't have a name and I'm the property of my husband or something.

My husband's maternal grandmother writes Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, knowing full well that our last name is not Doe. We are legally Roe Doe (with Roe being my maiden name and Doe being his family name) but actually just use Roe. The kids are legally just Roe. Which she acknowledges because we can't deposit checks to their accounts made out to Jack Doe, since Jack is Roe.

[LucyStoner]

I'm old-fashioned. :laugh:

I stick with the "proper" etiquette.

However, when I am addressing cards/letters to people with different last names, all bets are off.

I still have no idea how to properly address my brother's wife, so I end up addressing their card to The her last name his last name Family.

Proper etiquette actually does have a form for families with different last names. It's the two line address

 

Mr. John Doe

Ms. Joan Roe

 

(Name order doesn't matter)

 

No need to be flummoxed.

Edited December 2, 2016 by LucyStoner

[SparklyUnicorn]

My husband's maternal grandmother writes Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, knowing full well that our last name is not Doe. We are legally Roe Doe (with Roe being my maiden name and Doe being his family name) but actually just use Roe. The kids are legally just Roe. Which she acknowledges because we can't deposit checks to their accounts made out to Jack Doe, since Jack is Roe.

 

damn...that's obnoxious

[meena]

Usually I write "The Quimby Family" on envelopes, and then write the opening salutation on the inside as, "Dear Bob, Dorothy, Beatrice, Ramona, and Roberta". I might switch up the adult names if I know one better than the other, otherwise I put the husband's name first. I put the kids' names in age order.

[Seeking Squirrels]

I usually write "last name" family. My brother and his partner aren't married and with a yours, ours, and non-bio child....That makes four last names in the house. So I usually address that one to my brother "and family". I have to stop DH addressing that one because my brother's name is Adam so he likes to write "Adam's family" because it makes him laugh. 

 

[LucyStoner]

damn...that's obnoxious

I actually wouldn't mind Mr. and Mrs. John Roe Doe but all admit dropping the Roe is annoying, in an amusing way. What I find bizarre is that my husband has exactly one living relative who uses the name Doe- his only brother. The only people who take issue with our name are people who have never been named Doe. My MIL was divorced and remarried before my FIL died. The main people who are bothered by it are his maternal grandmother (who hated his father) and his mother's new husband (who you would think would not have any love lost for his wife's abusive ex husband, right?!) It's so frigging weird.

[LucyStoner]

For heterosexual couples with the same last name Miss Manners says the address on the envelope is man's name first (or only), then woman's name but the salutatation on the card or letter for personal correspondence is woman's name first, then the man's name.

 

So on the envelope:

 

Mr. and Mrs. John Doe or

Mr. John Doe and Ms. Joan Doe or

John and Jane Doe if not using titles.

 

And then inside:

 

Dear Joan and John,

 

 

I try to do what the couple likes. So Mr. and Mrs. John Doe for my husband's grandparents and John and Jane Doe for most of my contemporaries unless I know otherwise.

Edited December 2, 2016 by LucyStoner

[thessa516]

I often only adress the envelope to one person in the family, if that is the person I know.  The card will include all.

 

Or, I might write "The Smith Family" or "The Smiths" if I know everyone.

 

This is what I used to do, but then I got indirectly called out (and heard about it from other family members) for only addressing the thank you envelope to one person, even though the card inside was addressed to each individual family member. Good grief.  :001_rolleyes: Now I address the envelope to "The LASTNAME Family", even if it's only a couple. I avoid all the Dr., Mr., Mrs., Miss, and Ms. stuff altogether. I'm more laid back. It would never occur to me to get upset over how an envelope is addressed. 

[Crimson Wife]

I generally write "The X Family" or if the spouses have different last names, "The X-Y Family". Which surname to put first in a hyphenated one is not gender-dependent but "whatever flows best" dependent.

[Crimson Wife]

When I get my act together enough to do a card, most often I address to "Smith Family" or if there are more than one last name in the family as very often is the case for a host of reasons (not just my many friends who never changed their original names, but also children from a prior marriage etc) I do "Smith-Jones-Chang-Rubin-Garcia Family".

 

Minor children with different surnames wouldn't get included when I address a card. If Sally Smith is married to Justin Jones, then I'd address the card to "The Smith-Jones Family" and leave it at that.

[hornblower]

I hate being called Mrs. anything.  

if mails is going to a whole family residing at same address I stick with "Last name (+ additional last name + additional last name etc as required) Family"

[poppy]

I hate being called Mrs. anything.  

 

if mails is going to a whole family residing at same address I stick with "Last name (+ additional last name + additional last name etc as required) Family"

 

I don't use titles on Christmas cards because a lot of people don't like Mrs. and there is also  a subset who chafes at Ms.  

Of course, "Ms". was invented to solve that problem but when has anything ever pleased everyone?

[maize]

I avoid all this drama by not sending Christmas cards :)

 

Thank you for giving me this excuse :D

 

(haven't sent cards in years...)

[SparklyUnicorn]

I am still surprised that I have two married dds who didn't change their names. It is because of already having careers in their own names. i did address cards to Mr. & Mrs. Bill Smith after they were married, just for fun. One dd is married to a Colombian, so she wouldn't change her name to his anyway-- but Mary Herlast name his father's last name would be weird. She's not Colombian, so doesn't have the tradition of merging names. He, of course, has two last names. His last position FINALLY quit hyphenating his name (it's not) but I noticed that his new position is hyphenating it. It drives him nuts. 

 

for extra fun next time refer to them as Mrs. and Mr. FemaleFirstName Smith....

 

:laugh:

[Emba]

I do basically the same as you, but at times I put them in order not of who I know best but which sounds better, has the nicer ring to it, which is even more subjective and random.

Like for example, Joe and Diane sounds better to me than Diane and Joe, but Suzanne and Alejandro sounds better than Alejandro and Suzanne.

As a side note once (and only once) a lady introduced herself as Mrs. Husbandsname So-and-so, which I thought was really strange. DH knew her, and I had to ask him later what her name was, because apparently I wouldn't find out from her.

Edited December 2, 2016 by emba56

[Daria]

Ultimately I'd rather someone use my first name than Mrs.  Especially if they know me.  My grandmother has never called me Miss or Mrs.  What would she think if I called her that? 

 

I assume you call her "Grandma" or something like that?  If you're writing to her, would you put "Grandma". 

 

If I was sending my "Granny" a card, I'd put "Mrs. Constance Lastname" on the envelope, because she'd be offended if I wrote "Connie" without "Mrs., and it wouldn't occur to me to write "Granny".   If I was sending one to my mom, I'd put "Mary Smith", not "Mom".  

[Ravin]

And to complicate matters, he goes by his middle name as his first name is the same as his dad's. I always thought the Hispanic tradition of taking both mom and dad's last name was cool, but it must be hard for genealogists as the name is completely different in a few generations. I have no clue what they'll do if they ever finish the doctorates and have kids.  :lol:

 

As to using her name, when sil first got to IN, he was often referred to as Mr. dd'sfirstname, as she was the one with the career there. 

 

Completely an aside, but this isn't the case.

 

My understanding is that the traditional Spanish pattern is:

 

(Give name) (Paternal-surname) (Maternal-surname)

 

when a woman marries, she will drop the maternal surname, and become (given name) (paternal surname) de (husband's [paternal] surname)

 

The maternal surname is the surname of the mother's father. Mother's surnames drop out each generation, but the paternal surnames don't, similarly to the English system. It's actually more helpful for genealogy I should think because the maternal surnames help trace to a mother's family, where there is no such clue in the English system.

[Farrar]

I don't know, but I like the examples in Poppy's OP. Now I think she should send Kim and Kanye a card (I'm closer to Kim).

[Butter]

I assume you call her "Grandma" or something like that?  If you're writing to her, would you put "Grandma". 

 

If I was sending my "Granny" a card, I'd put "Mrs. Constance Lastname" on the envelope, because she'd be offended if I wrote "Connie" without "Mrs., and it wouldn't occur to me to write "Granny".   If I was sending one to my mom, I'd put "Mary Smith", not "Mom".  

 

Years ago when my grandmother was still alive, I wrote to her every week.  I addressed the envelope to Grandmama and then wrote her address below that.  Now I write to my aunt weekly.  I address the envelope to Aunt HerFirstName with her address below it.  If I send something to my parents, I write Mommie and Daddy with their address below it.  I don't bother with last names or given names in the case of my grandmother and parents.  It works for me.

[heartlikealion]

I could go either way on the thing Sparkly brought up. Sometimes I might feel like her and other times I might find it endearing. I don't like to use the free name labels dh gets. They have just his name. I have our own set of labels with both our names.

 

Kinda related, I hate writing tags on Christmas gifts from the whole family. It's exhausting to write all the names, but feels funny to put The _townwelivein_ Lastname to differentiate us from the other relatives in the room that have the same last name where we all open gifts. Seems like I just copied a trend I saw somewhere along the line and added the kids' names. Example: gift to nephew. From: Uncle hearlikealion, Aunt heartlikealion, cousin (ds) and cousin (dd). Maybe I shouldn't put tags and then just holler, "that's from us!" lol

[Garga]

Smith

123 Main St

Wash, DC 20001

[poppy]

I haven't sent cards in years, but making connections this year since I saw a lot of this family last month at my dad's funeral. 

Plus, biggest reason, Amazon offered free photo cards to prime members one day last week.

 

 

Smith

123 Main St

Wash, DC 20001

 

This is how I would address a card to Batman. Or if I were Batman.