Bess Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Say an older (40's) single divorced man wanted to hold your toddler at every opportunity. You don't know this man....just having met him a few months ago. He's new to the area and your church. He's the first person to greet you at church, and the last person to seek you out before you leave, each time holding out his arms to hold your toddler. This is what's been happening since we met this man. It makes me very uncomfortable but I don't know why. I guess maybe I'm wondering why he doesn't hang out with people his own age. He doesn't seem interested in any other children, just our one daughter. Part of me thinks maybe it's just his way of trying to get to know our family... you know, like an icebraker. But then, do we really want to befriend a single man his age not knowing his history, etc. *especially* considering he is so interested in our daughter? And shouldn't an older single man know that that's not the way to make friends? Maybe I'm just thinking way into this. It really bothers me that he seeks us out and then we stand there while he holds our daughter until we peel her away and leave. Would this bother you?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Yes it would, and I would find it really annoying because the guy should be innocent until proven guilty, and I wouldn't be able to do him that courtesy. Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sophia Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Big red flags! I can't help but think that he really should know better. Trust your mommy instincts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avila Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Yes, it would. There could be (and probably is) a completely innocent reason for his interest in your child, but I would be looking for another church exit, or begin making excuses about how the toddler is sick, has a dirty diaper, whatever, to break the cycle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Your gut says not to do it. Run with that. There may be no "problem" with this man, but you should not let him hold your dc. You should not teach your dc to accept being held by random people. This sets your dc up to accept other things later. You need to be teaching your dc personal boundaries from the get go and this behavior over rides personal boundaries and sets your dc up for future unsafe acceptances. I would try not to pass judgement on the man. He may be completely clueless. He may have had a little boy himself who died at a young age. There may be other reasons other than to cause harm that the man acts this way. BUT it is dangerous for you to allow yourself and your dc to be handled. I would extend the personal boundaries to all the old ladies at church who like to touch the babies too. I know some people wouldn't, but it's about teaching the baby to recognize he should have control over his body. A very important safety lesson. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Yup, huge red creepazoid flags a'wavin in the breeze. Call me judgmental, unfair, but I'll always err on the side of caution when it comes to my kiddos Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 One more "biggie", we were recently at a church function and had an eating time afterwards. I purposely took my daughter and sat at the very far end of the room with her facing the wall and I fed her (because I didn't want to get his attention). Well, after he finished eating, he came to where I was sitting and held out his arms for her and said "have you eaten yet?". I said, "no". And then he said, "I'll hold her while you go eat". So, I let him have her. Well, he was holding her probably for 15 minutes, then he went outside with her to answer a cell phone call. We didn't see him go out with her, he just did it. My husband went looking for him/her, and found him outside on his cell phone still holding her. My husband reached out his arms to take her, and the guy said, "no, that's okay, I have her." My husband took her anyway and went back inside. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Follow your gut. You don't have to hand over your child to anyone, especially someone you barely know. I'd put a stop to that part, at least. Then, we pretty much never hand our young children over to anyone, let alone those we hardly know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Does he do this with other parents and their toddlers? I fully believe that you need to follow what your inner voice is saying. I believe that God gives us a 'nowing' many times about people. I have had 3 different men in the past years that I felt very uncomfortable around. You know the feeling that goes 'yuk' when they were in the same room as you. I could never really put my finger on why as they were never inappropriate with me or anyone else that I saw but still just that 'feeling' was always there. I have found out in three of them that they have history of child molestation(sp). I don't feel guilty about it anymore. I listen to that inner voice and take percautions. Personally, I would manage one way or another to no longer allow this person to hold my baby. I would try to not be rude but if I had to I would.(I am not normally a rude person but I have learned how if need be.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 I would extend the personal boundaries to all the old ladies at church who like to touch the babies too. I know some people wouldn't, but it's about teaching the baby to recognize he should have control over his body. A very important safety lesson. The old ladies like to hold her too, but it's "funny" because they don't get a chance to most of the time because of this guy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 Does he do this with other parents and their toddlers? No. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 Okay, so at least I know I'm not exaggerating my fear now. Soooo, how to solve this problem?? So, we walk into church and he greets us and holds out his arms for her and says hello to her... what do we do? I've tried the subtle approaches but they obviously don't work. Can you think of some I've maybe not thought of??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 "No thank you." and walk away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
songbirdie Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 My husband reached out his arms to take her, and the guy said, "no, that's okay, I have her." My husband took her anyway and went back inside. This is completely inappropriate!! I would actually go to someone on the church staff who would be completely confidential and begin asking alot of questions and tell them how uncomfortable you are. Surely the pastor or associate has visited with him or knows where he came from. I would absolutely never again let him hold her while I did something. I also would really try everything I could to lessen the times that he holds her. Have you looked up his name on the sex-offender database in your area? I mean, maybe he really is just ignorant, but this sounds like very alarming behavior to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dtb1999 Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Have you read the book by Gavin DeBecker called, 'Protecting the Gift'? If not, get it today. Excellent book. He talks about these types of situations, and much more. I can't recommend this book enough! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dtb1999 Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Okay, so at least I know I'm not exaggerating my fear now. Soooo, how to solve this problem?? So, we walk into church and he greets us and holds out his arms for her and says hello to her... what do we do? I've tried the subtle approaches but they obviously don't work. Can you think of some I've maybe not thought of??? Be firm. Tell him you don't think it's appropriate and that he may not hold her. Stand your ground. If he gets offended, oh well. Any 40 something adult male who would get offended or hurt by that has something else going on that is not your problem, and at least he will know your daughter will not be his next victim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
songbirdie Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Okay, so at least I know I'm not exaggerating my fear now. Soooo, how to solve this problem?? So, we walk into church and he greets us and holds out his arms for her and says hello to her... what do we do? I've tried the subtle approaches but they obviously don't work. Can you think of some I've maybe not thought of??? Maybe when he says hello, say hello back, but also say "no thanks, I'm going to hold her right now". I'd do this very regularly immediately because you REALLY don't want to get to a day when he reaches out for her and you say no and SHE reaches to HIM! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brindee Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 This is completely inappropriate!! I would actually go to someone on the church staff who would be completely confidential and begin asking alot of questions and tell them how uncomfortable you are. Surely the pastor or associate has visited with him or knows where he came from. I would absolutely never again let him hold her while I did something. I also would really try everything I could to lessen the times that he holds her. Have you looked up his name on the sex-offender database in your area? I mean, maybe he really is just ignorant, but this sounds like very alarming behavior to me.:iagree:This is what I was thinking. Make sure he's been checked out. Also, talk to someone in authority about it, preferably a male, who may be able to talk with this guy. I'm not sure what the best solution is, but I would try to keep my dd away from him! Being afraid of hurting his feelings isn't a good enough reason to allow him to hold my dd if I'm feeling uncomfortable with it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 This is completely inappropriate!! I would actually go to someone on the church staff who would be completely confidential and begin asking alot of questions and tell them how uncomfortable you are. Surely the pastor or associate has visited with him or knows where he came from. I would absolutely never again let him hold her while I did something. I also would really try everything I could to lessen the times that he holds her. Have you looked up his name on the sex-offender database in your area? I mean, maybe he really is just ignorant, but this sounds like very alarming behavior to me. :iagree:I would make excuses as to why she could not be held. Continue to make those excuses. You haven't set the boundary for him, but I would start. I would also check for my own benefit your local sex-offenders list, I just checked mine today for other reasons. I would also talk to another pastor, surely someone else has witnessed this behavior and has some insight into this person. Could be totally innocent. If he is divorced does he have children? Perhaps he laments that fact and has for some reason chosen your family to cling to. Could be he simply doesn't understand social boundaries and needs to be reminded. but yes, it would make me uncomfortable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 This is completely inappropriate!! I would actually go to someone on the church staff who would be completely confidential and begin asking alot of questions and tell them how uncomfortable you are. Surely the pastor or associate has visited with him or knows where he came from. I would absolutely never again let him hold her while I did something. I also would really try everything I could to lessen the times that he holds her. Have you looked up his name on the sex-offender database in your area? I mean, maybe he really is just ignorant, but this sounds like very alarming behavior to me. Yes, I did actually! From the state he came from and this one too. He wasn't on it. That incident (the cell phone one) was the last interaction we had with him. So tomorrow will be the first time since then that we'll be seeing him. We're trying to work out our strategy. My husband thinks it's weird too, but honestly I don't know if he would except I've been complaining about it so much... I feel I've influenced him. I think either woman are wiser concerning these things or maybe just more paranoid, I don't know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brindee Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 My husband thinks it's weird too, but honestly I don't know if he would except I've been complaining about it so much... I feel I've influenced him. I think either woman are wiser concerning these things or maybe just more paranoid, I don't know.It's called Women's Intuition, and I honestly think there's something to it--a little gift from God to have those strange feelings when something isn't right! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted April 11, 2009 Author Share Posted April 11, 2009 : Could be totally innocent. If he is divorced does he have children? Perhaps he laments that fact and has for some reason chosen your family to cling to. QUOTE] He does have older children (teens and young adults) but he doesn't have a relationship with them. They also live across the country. Yeah, I was wondering that too...perhaps he just likes our family unit thing going on, and wants to be part of it... like an "uncle" or something. Um, no thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 It's called Women's Intuition, and I honestly think there's something to it--a little gift from God to have those strange feelings when something isn't right! :iagree: Tomorrow will probably be a busy day. If possible I would make sure your dh is always with you to step in if necessary. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted April 11, 2009 Share Posted April 11, 2009 Say an older (40's) single divorced man wanted to hold your toddler at every opportunity. You don't know this man....just having met him a few months ago. He's new to the area and your church. He's the first person to greet you at church, and the last person to seek you out before you leave, each time holding out his arms to hold your toddler. This is what's been happening since we met this man. It makes me very uncomfortable but I don't know why. I guess maybe I'm wondering why he doesn't hang out with people his own age. He doesn't seem interested in any other children, just our one daughter. Part of me thinks maybe it's just his way of trying to get to know our family... you know, like an icebraker. But then, do we really want to befriend a single man his age not knowing his history, etc. *especially* considering he is so interested in our daughter? And shouldn't an older single man know that that's not the way to make friends? Maybe I'm just thinking way into this. It really bothers me that he seeks us out and then we stand there while he holds our daughter until we peel her away and leave. Would this bother you?? I am one who goes on instinct with these kinds of things. If your instincts are telling you "no!" then go with it. You don't necessarily have to be rude to the guy, but you can extricate your daughter from his grasp and keep her out of it through some strategic manoeuvering. Eventually, he should get the point that the holding is not going to happen, or she'll grow up enough that it would be just plain weirdo to be picking her up like that. Either way, go with what your gut is telling you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabeth Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 (edited) : Could be totally innocent. If he is divorced does he have children? Perhaps he laments that fact and has for some reason chosen your family to cling to. QUOTE] He does have older children (teens and young adults) but he doesn't have a relationship with them. They also live across the country. Yeah, I was wondering that too...perhaps he just likes our family unit thing going on, and wants to be part of it... like an "uncle" or something. Um, no thanks! Gosh I hate to say this but in all my years of experience as a woman and a lawyer there is something terribly wrong that his own family has nothing to do with him. Your dh needs to stay close to you and your daughter at all times. There is never a good reason for family to shun a relation absent the most horrible of reasons-drugs, abuse, sexual abuse, or old fashioned criminality. Edited April 12, 2009 by elizabeth I cannot type.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 That's a creepy story about him taking her outside. Would have flipped me out. A. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tani Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 anymore. If he asks, be honest. (I am not known for my tactfulness in these matters :001_smile:) I would not only follow your instincts, but I would not want my daughter to become so familiar with someone acting so strangly. These are definitly signs that I have been taught at work (YMCA) to watch for in possible offenders. I know that we should live by the innocent till proven guilty but there are times when it is better safe than sorry. Blessings, Tani Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Wisc Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 http://www.familywatchdog.us/ It may be innocent, but it may be over-the-hill scary. I'd consider having a discussion with him (or maybe sending my husband). It would be a non-confrontational (i.e. "We've had problems with people we could not trust with our children...so I tend to be very protective. I'm glad you like my dd, but it makes me nervous when someone pays so much attention to her." If he backs off and apologizes, fine. If he gets offensive and huffy, you might be dealing with something. DO WATCH if he changes his affections from your child to another little girl. I know. This can be creepy. It may all be very innocent, but I would not have a good night sleep with this guy around. At least that is my mommy-heart on the issue. Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sleepy Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Okay, so at least I know I'm not exaggerating my fear now. Soooo, how to solve this problem?? So, we walk into church and he greets us and holds out his arms for her and says hello to her... what do we do? I've tried the subtle approaches but they obviously don't work. Can you think of some I've maybe not thought of??? Brace yourself, I'm going to quote Nancy Reagan: "Just say NO." It's not subtle. It's emphatic. No means no. And if he has a problem with that, too bad. He's a grown man, he'll get over it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I think that your husband should handle the situation, man to man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Thanks everyone. You know, the answers seems so easy when I read about these types of things going on with other people, but then when it's my own situation, it seems so difficult! Ugh. Well, I guess God has given us one more thing in our lives that we need to be confrontational about! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tricia Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Okay that's a bit weird. BUT, let's not judge too harshly. I would though make sure he is NEVER left alone with her, and that he doesn't follow you home, or even stop by your house uninvited. THAT would raise red flags for me. We have a man in our church who is the same way. He has only boys and loves to hold little girls. And my youngest 5 are all girls. But we've known him for quite some time. (I may add though that I am STILL cautious) That's key. Caution. But it could be the case with him. If you got to know him a bit better there may be reasons revealed that would explain his actions. If however you cannot put a solid finger on him I would definitely try avoiding him.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 http://www.familywatchdog.us/ It may be innocent, but it may be over-the-hill scary. I'd consider having a discussion with him (or maybe sending my husband). It would be a non-confrontational (i.e. "We've had problems with people we could not trust with our children...so I tend to be very protective. I'm glad you like my dd, but it makes me nervous when someone pays so much attention to her." If he backs off and apologizes, fine. If he gets offensive and huffy, you might be dealing with something. DO WATCH if he changes his affections from your child to another little girl. I know. This can be creepy. It may all be very innocent, but I would not have a good night sleep with this guy around. At least that is my mommy-heart on the issue. Jean Just wanted to say that I think might be the best approach. I like how you worded that and it makes sense to see how he responds. Of course, my husband will be doing this, not me! Thank God for husbands. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabeline Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I think you should turn around his own line on him and say "No thanks, I got her." Just keep repeating it until he stops offering. I also agree that you should talk to your pastor or some one else that you can trust about your feelings. I think you should trust your feelings and that way you can have more eyes watching him. Good luck, I understand it is so hard to be confrontational, but in this case your daughter is worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Reading it changed my life. I was a people pleaser before, afraid to speak up even when my gut told me to. Now I always go with the instincts given to me by God! Also plz do watch if he turns his attention to another child once you make your intentions clear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Isn't it amazing how PC we've become? That someone, a stranger that's setting off alarm bells wants to hold our child, and a parent hesitates for fear of offending him? As I said earlier, tell him no thanks, and keep going. Your child, not his. You're not obligated to give him reasons, excuses, nada. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amsunshine Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I agree with all the replies here -- stand your ground. I also wanted to suggest that even though you may have searched some sex offender databases, you may not know exactly what this man's aliases are and/or exactly what states he may have had any previous convictions. (I'm a criminal lawyer who deals with these types of cases all the time.) Go with your instincts -- it is always better to be safe than sorry. There is no need to apologize to anyone for protecting your child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I think you should turn around his own line on him and say "No thanks, I got her." Just keep repeating it until he stops offering. I also agree that you should talk to your pastor or some one else that you can trust about your feelings. I think you should trust your feelings and that way you can have more eyes watching him.Good luck, I understand it is so hard to be confrontational, but in this case your daughter is worth it. Exactly. "No, thanks, I've got her." Period. Constantly. Without fail. In addition, I wouldn't let anyone else hold her, either, because this guy might try to take her from them. Nope. Steer clear. Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 I agree with what the others have said. MAJOR red flags on the cell phone issue. He should never have left the room with her, and he most certainly should not have attempted to keep her from her father. This incident alone has absolutely shut the door on any further relationship between him and any of your kids. Period. Listen to your gut. Never, ever let him touch your dd again. Just say no. Don't give elaborate explanations. Just keep saying no. If necessary, you should explicitly FORBID your children to ever be alone with him. Coach them on responding politely if he says "hi" but then coming to you. And a word of warning, just in case things become unpleasant: I was in a church situation a number of years ago that was similar. There was a woman who had been working in the nursery for years. Her husband was a large, socially-inept-in-a-friendly-no-boundaries sort of way man. He had a habit of drifting around the halls and socializing for at least part of the service, and sometimes drifted down to the nursery when his wife was on duty. Often he ended up staying there with her, helping with the kids. To be honest, I wasn't really comfortable with this man, but was not in leadership at the time and couldn't do much about his chronic hanging-about. FTR I later ended up directing the Sunday School program for that church, and continued on to do so in other churches over the years. I have always made it a non-negotiable that each and every person who serves as a teacher or in the nursery has to be interviewed, recommended by other leaders, and undergo a background check. Our children are just too precious to do otherwise. BUT at this church, at that time, they did not have any such policy in place, so no one objected to this man being in the nursery whenever he felt like it. However, one day a parent grew really, really (justifiably) upset when she went to the nursery to pick up her child and her child was not there. This man had taken the child for a walk "to calm the baby." It was then that I learned that he often did this. I flipped out and called the pastors, as did others. It got ugly, because this man would not see reason. He got all hurt and offended at not being allowed to walk other people's children around the building without their permission during the service. He was loud about it. It got even messier because one of the pastors took his side (!!!) insisting that the man meant no harm and simply loved children and wanted to help. (To be fair I think this pastor meant well but was all too naive.) Eventually the pastors decreed that this man would still be allowed in the nursery, only when his wife was working, but would not be allowed to take children from the room. I absolutely NEVER left my dd in the nursery. I hadn't so far due to stranger anxiety on dd's part, and just chose never to start her in the nursery. We eventually left the church over issues such as this one. So my warning is this: The man at your church has demonstrated not only a lack of social appropriateness, he has also demonstrated that he will resist your attempts to control the situation and set boundaries. He will continue to resist and he will continue to push boundaries. DO NOT GIVE IN, even if it means dh telling him never to lay hands on any of your kids again. Yes, your dh should be prepared to do so. Do not give in, even if this man acts hurt and offended, and possibly even draws others into the drama. This may not happen, but it may. Don't give long elaborate explanations or be drawn into the drama--just keep it brief. "I am uncomfortable with the attention he's given my little girl and prefer that he back off." I pray, tonight, that this problem just melts away. In the meantime, good for you for listening to your instincts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ccmom Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 BIT RED FLAG! TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS - THEY ARE RIGHT! His behavior is absolutely inappropriate. I hope you can establish new boundaries without too much trouble. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bess Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Just wanted to say with the phone thing... my husband thinks maybe he was meaning, "no it's okay, I have her" because he was thinking my husband thought it was a burden for him to hold her while on the phone. So, he was letting my husband know that it was okay. Either way... it was inappropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 If you are actually avoiding him in church- walking up to the other end of the room to feed your child....it's icky, and as a mother you simply shouldn't have to do that, even if the guy is "innocent'. He is certainly insensitive. I am excellent in any type of situation that definitely crosses my boundary- and your situation certainly would- at giving the icy cold shoulder (I learned to do it when I got unwanted attention from men when I was younger. OK, much younger :)) I just go cold on the person, and I don't think they've ever not felt it. Its not being confrontational, its not even unfriendly on the surface- its just a clear message that they are being too friendly and they better keep their distance. When we were in Bali with my dd when she was 4 months old, the Balinese, who truly love children and babies, would want to hold her all the time. We let them- but we always told them never to take them out of our site. While we were eating they would want to rush her home to show the whole family! In the end though, you need to not worry so much what the man feels- stop worrying about his feelings, or what he thinks of you- and put your child first, and your mummy instinct. In this day and age, people such as the man in your church truly should know better than to behave like he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Maybe you could say that you're working on her doing.....(fill in the blank) and you decided that she'll stay with you or your husband today. It may be that there is a very innocent reason he's attracted to her. I would hope..... I wouldn't necessarily want to offend him, just have something already figured out to say.... Carrie:-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marylou Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Just wanted to say with the phone thing... my husband thinks maybe he was meaning, "no it's okay, I have her" because he was thinking my husband thought it was a burden for him to hold her while on the phone. So, he was letting my husband know that it was okay. Either way... it was inappropriate. Okay, I am not trying to freak you out anymore than you already are . . . Did it ever occur to you that the phone call could have been a fake one and he was testing your daughter to see how she would react when taken away from you and your husband? Or perhaps he was testing how long it would take one of you to go searching for her? Maybe I watch AMW too much, but I'm trying to help you stay safe. PLEASE listen to the others here. DO NO LET YOUR CHILD OUT OF YOUR SIGHT (or ARMS) around this man. And I agree with a PP--Do not let anyone else hold her b/c they may let him take her. And the next time he may take her into his car! Do not worry about hurting this man's feelings. If he is innocent (and you end up explaining your position) he will be extremely understanding. If he isn't understanding, you don't want him holding your child, b/c if he doesn't "get it" maybe some day while he's holding her a weirdo will grab her away from him! You wouldn't be able to trust that he would do the right thing. I am praying for the safety of your precious dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 We had this experience at our UU church. When I went to a meeting at his house, I found he had photos of and childhood artworks from his three teenage sons everywhere. He had been divorced, and she got full custody, and he hardly ever sees them. He missed a whole chunk of their childhood when he and his ex were going through the most bitter custody battle. I had three boys, and he had three boys, so my family in particular reminded him of the good times in their early childhood. He also felt like he understand my family better than those of other compositions. But he's a piano teacher at a studio for kids, and you have to have a background check to apply there, so I knew he was safe to that extent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragons in the flower bed Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 There is never a good reason for family to shun a relation absent the most horrible of reasons-drugs, abuse, sexual abuse, or old fashioned criminality. In the case of our kindly older divorced guy, it was because he's gay. His whole family, including his sons, were Christian conservatives and they shunned him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree House Academy Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 (edited) Hmmm...you just never know. Maybe he had a bad divorce and lost custody and never got to see his own daughter grow up? You know? My MIL's husband always took an interest in my older son and I actually found it weird. I mean, she has only been married to her dh for 6 years or so, and he is in his 70's, so there is no history there. Well, later I found out that he had a grandson my older ds's age that he hasn't seen or talked to in over 8 years because the child's mom took him and ran off. His preoccupation with my older son was really just an act of love and longing for what he had missed with his bio grandson. BTW...my dh is in his 40's! LOL Please, don't use "older man" and 40 in the same sentence...LOL PLEASE. Edited April 12, 2009 by Tree House Academy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 (edited) I just wanted to add something here since someone posted the watchdog site. Not having a criminal background does not mean someone is safe. Not for certain anyway. Somewhere along the line offenders commit their first offense. Having a clean record simply means they have not done anything YET or if they have, they have not been caught. That's all. Maybe this goes without saying but I'm saying it anyway. ETA: I used to work midnights in a convenience store. There was one customer in particular that used to set off major alarms with me. Everyone else said he was harmless. He never smiled and always seemed angry. Years later (after I had quit) he attacked another employee and hurt her quite badly. (She had the nerve to be restocking the cooler when he wanted to buy something.) Listen to those instincts! Up until then, he had never even threatened anyone (with anything other than dirty looks...). Edited April 12, 2009 by darlasowders Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PollyOR Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Here is what I think I would do. Set up a meeting with you, your DH, this man, and a church authority. With the church leader as a witness, ask the man to explain why he does this. Then explain to him why this is making you uncomfortable. He may not realize that this is unusual and making you uncomfortable. :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted April 12, 2009 Share Posted April 12, 2009 Did it ever occur to you that the phone call could have been a fake one and he was testing your daughter to see how she would react when taken away from you and your husband? Or perhaps he was testing how long it would take one of you to go searching for her? :iagree: This guys behavior so far fits the early stages of "grooming" done by pedophiles (not saying that he is one). At first, they do things that won't get them into any trouble, looking to see how the child and parents will react. With each incident, they push the boundaries a little further until the child is trapped and feels that they can't get out. In this case, he started out only holding her. Then he was helping you. Then he only took her outside to make a call since it's more appropriate to make a call outside...but still not enough to get him in trouble. If he was allowed to continue his relationship with the child, he might eventually (over months) increase his involvement with your family and your child until he was "uncle". Be wary...and stop his involvement now...including being sure he's not involved with her nursery/Sunday school class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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