StaceyinLA Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I am SO sad. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I can't see through my tears and horribly puffy eyes from crying the last 2 hours straight, but I had had enough. Since she told me she was going to California last weekend, she has been nothing but rude and disrespectful. She just thinks she can take off in that car of hers and go and do what she wants. I have asked her not to smoke in her car and she leaves cigarettes visible just to spite me. Today was the last straw. She just can't even speak civilly. She wants nothing to do with counseling and won't consider taking anti-depressants (even though I could almost GUARANTEE the child is clinically depressed). She treats me (and most of the rest of the family) like dirt. So, I locked her car up in the garage, took her house and car keys and told her to have someone come get her. Her best friend, Britany, has picked her up (so at least I know she'll be safe for now), but her plan is to leave for CA in a week. Oldest dd says she won't go (and I want to believe her), but this child is just being so strong-willed that I think she will just for spite. I am afraid if she does I will never see her again. I just have these horrible thoughts of her winding up dead somewhere with no one who knows or loves her anywhere around. God, please spare my child!! This hurts so much!! For all of you who pray, PLEASE pray that she will, at the least, NOT go to CA. Pray that she will see that she belongs with her family. And please, please pray for her safety and, if you feel led, my sanity. I don't know how this decision to kick her out could possibly bring me peace, but these last few months with her have nearly destroyed any relationship I had with my husband and other children. The stress has been too much. Thank you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathleen in VA Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 :grouphug:Stacey:grouphug: Just want you to know that I am praying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth in SW WA Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 :grouphug:Stacey:grouphug: Just want you to know that I am praying. Me, too! God is bigger than this!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 :grouphug: I'm sorry I have no words for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan Wise Bauer Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 :grouphug: She has to try being an adult. And she has to try making adult choices, and live with what comes after. I know this doesn't make it any easier. I am so, so, so sorry. SWB Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BryRon Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I think your eldest dd is right - she's not going to go! She's just trying to spread her wings and test the limits - and you've called her bluff. I have witnessed this "battle of wills" many times, and even participated in it when I was her age. Think of it like the game of "Chicken". If you stick to your path, odds are she is going to be the first one to waiver! Good luck - hang in there. You can do this! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teamturner Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I'm praying for God to be with her in a mighty way and that you will know he is with you through this storm. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Sometimes we don't have any options that feel really good, so you do the best thing you can think to do, cry a lot, and pray. (((((Stacey))))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 This must be very tough. I think though that you do have to have some "tough love" as it used to be called. I don't know if it would help at all or not but on Focus on the Family or Family Life Today or one of those radio shows they had a segment on THE PRODIGAL where a mom wrote how her daughter was a prodigal and what they went through to restore the relationship. Sorry I don't have more information. Make sure that you have the supports you need through this as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferdie Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I am so sorry. I am praying for you and your daughter. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
E_Edgerton Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I was a pretty terrible teen. After reading your post, I keep hearing about spite...mainly it being in spite of you...when I was doing this kind of stuff, the last thing I was thinking about was my parents. Try to not to make it about you as much as finding out what it is she is trying to figure out. I know this must be very difficult, but I made it to the other side with no permanent damage....I hope she will too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I am so very, very sorry for the pain your family is feeling now. I pray God guides her steps and that she follows His leading. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mad Jenny Flint Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I think you did the right thing. Stay the course. You cannot control her, and if you bend to her will during this time it will be worse for you and your family in the long run. Have you considered a support group? It might be helpful to you as you deal with these struggles. I'll be thinking of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laughing lioness Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 :grouphug:praying for you and for her:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in the Kootenays Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I've been going through something similar. There is no easy answer. You and your dd will certainly be in my prayers. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug: I'm so sorry. Praying for all of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5Youngs Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I am praying that you have wisdom in dealing with her.:grouphug: I agree that she's probably only thinking of herself, so as hard as it is, try not to take it personal. She will most likely come back to her senses. It may take a few bad decisions to wake her up, though..... I had some prodigal months as a teenager. God is always good. Keep asking Him to protect her from her own foolishness~ AND, Do not for a moment think that it's your fault! (Think of how many good kids come out of crazy homes and how many kids go crazy after being in wonderful homes.......) All you can do is raise your kids the best that you know how, and then they are responsible for who they become. You are right in making it clear that her bad behavior is not going to sour life for the rest of the family. Love you~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Praying here. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dooley Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Earlier this year, we were at the point of me talking her to a shelter for teens. It was bad. It seems to have gotten a bit nicer lately, but friend, I am and have been for many years, where you are. I think you need to let her go - if a child is determined to attend the school of hard knocks, no amount of discussion or punishment will change that fact. You have to eventually decide that the rest of your family needs healing, you cant "fix" your dd as much as you want to. You will need to let her go and pray, pray, pray, pray, pray. I am also a prodigal - I fought, did drugs, boys, was just an awful person to live with for my family. Time and hard knocks brought be around in my 20's. I have tried all you can think of with our oldest dd, tough love, calling the police, stripping her room, love and more love - which she cant see...she will not turn from the road she is determined to take. I think that you and I could share many stories about our daughters. You probably need to take a deep breath and say ok, have a good trip. Dont fund it either. She should be on her own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyof4ks Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: What a tough decision. She has chosen to learn the hard way, and hopefully she will come to her senses soon. We will pray for your family and her safety as she finds her way in life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm so sad for you right now. I don't even have words. I will pray for you, your family and your daughter. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 If you feel like it, pm me. I'd love to have someone to talk to who's been there (or is there). Thanks so much everyone for your kind words. I am just asking for all the prayer I can get - even if she doesn't come home. I just do not want her in CA. I know that she can't have any good come of that with no friends and no family. I have prayed, cried, prayed, cried and prayed some more. I think I'm going to fast and pray for the next few days. I don't know what else to do. I realize this kid may not come home for a while, but I don't know if I can survive her being alone 2,000 miles away. God help me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julpost Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Prayed here too!:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy in Indy Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 :grouphug: I am so sorry you've had to make this decision. Be strong; she needs you to hold firm...even if she doesn't think so. I'm praying for your family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dooley Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Never did it before, but let me know if you dont get it, would love to walk with you - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleen Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 One can only hope and pray that this will, in the long run, be the beginning of something better, for her and for your relationship. I can't imagine how difficult this must be, though. May the Peace that passes all understanding be with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 :grouphug: This sounds like my mother and one of my sisters many years ago. It worked out for them, and I know it will work out for you. Some wills are so strong they can't allow for anyone to help them find their way, but they will find it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MBH Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Dear Stacey, I am praying for God's hedge of protection around your family. So sorry you are going through this difficult time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennefer@SSA Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I am so sad for you and I am so very sorry. I will pray that she finally reaches "rock bottom" and reaches out for help. Lots of prayers coming your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandarinmom Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Ok, I know am going to offend everyone, but there is what I think. How is she going away by herself at 17? Is she ready? 17 is not ready. Unless she has a plan for a future. Does she has directions and a realistic plan, where to go, how to go, what to do next, where to live, what to do for job, food, etc. If she doesn't, you can't let her go. Do you know for sure that she will start looking for a job and good people to be with? Or she may end up on the street homeless on drugs with really bad friends, and a terrible tragedy may happen. My husband's two elder daughters from 1st marriage and a son left home this way. The guy was great boy, strong willed, now 27, on drugs playing drums on the street, no family, no job, still homeless. The daughters got through drugs stage, bad relationships with abuse, abortions, etc., thanks God without permanent damage. But both were unhappy in marriages and lost God. I sure have no idea what is going on, but there should be possible to do something more practical and realistic besides prayers. I don't think you can relax and give it up to God to decide what to do with your child. What if something happens to her? The Mother is the one who protects and helps. Make a deal with her, develop a plan of how to start independent life, may be? You can't just st and pray when you have a cancer in your body instead of going for surgery. There should be something done. If she is so angry, she is not ready to go by herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Ok, I know am going to offend everyone, but there is what I think. How is she going away by herself at 17? Is she ready? 17 is not ready. Unless she has a plan for a future. Does she has directions and a realistic plan, where to go, how to go, what to do next, where to live, what to do for job, food, etc. If she doesn't, you can't let her go. Do you know for sure that she will start looking for a job and good people to be with? Or she may end up on the street homeless on drugs with really bad friends, and a terrible tragedy may happen. My husband's two elder daughters from 1st marriage and a son left home this way. The guy was great boy, strong willed, now 27, on drugs playing drums on the street, no family, no job, still homeless. The daughters got through drugs stage, bad relationships with abuse, abortions, etc., thanks God without permanent damage. But both were unhappy in marriages and lost God. I sure have no idea what is going on, but there should be possible to do something more practical and realistic besides prayers. I don't think you can relax and give it up to God to decide what to do with your child. What if something happens to her? The Mother is the one who protects and helps. Make a deal with her, develop a plan of how to start independent life, may be? You can't just st and pray when you have a cancer in your body instead of going for surgery. There should be something done. If she is so angry, she is not ready to go by herself. I have read many posts from Stacey about this daughter. She has offered many opportunities. She has agonized over this, and she has been kinder to this daughter than many of us on this board would have been. Stacey has tried making a deal with her, has tried talking about plans for independence. There is very little anyone can do when a young adult refuses to be helped. Yes, all the things you list here are possibilities--that is why Stacey is crying, praying, pleading, and agonizing. There is nothing in her relaxing about this, and it was not a passive choice. You can do a simple search of her name to read other posts on the topic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Believe me - I know how it sounds. I have, truly, agonized (and still am) over this, but this dd has run away twice already. She isn't willing to follow rules, won't attend counseling, won't take medicine. She is 17, and legally I can't stop her from leaving home. I also won't have her here ruining all of our lives. Anyway, I really do appreciate your concern, but please don't think I ran off half-cocked and did this. This has been going on since this past summer when she first ran away. I have been on pins and needles with her for MONTHS. My next step was a mental hospital (and may still be with the pain I'm feeling). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janna Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 :grouphug::grouphug: Oh, Stacey. I can't imagine how you are agonizing over this. If you can, try to remember that our kids are not our own; that the Lord loves your 17yo. If you've done all you can, she's in His hands. Try to remember that we are all clay and He is the Potter. Both of you are being molded in this. There is no diamond without pressure No growth without rain No roses without pruning No gold without fire Try to imagine her testimony when she comes home. What a glorious one it will be! I know this is incredibly painful. I will be praying for you all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Believe me - I know how it sounds. I have, truly, agonized (and still am) over this, but this dd has run away twice already. She isn't willing to follow rules, won't attend counseling, won't take medicine. She is 17, and legally I can't stop her from leaving home. I also won't have her here ruining all of our lives. Anyway, I really do appreciate your concern, but please don't think I ran off half-cocked and did this. This has been going on since this past summer when she first ran away. I have been on pins and needles with her for MONTHS. My next step was a mental hospital (and may still be with the pain I'm feeling). Stacey, Is there any way, because she is still a minor and not taking her meds, that you can commit her? I'm just wondering since you brought up that option, if maybe now is the time to take that next step. At least she wouldn't be going to CA... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 I think she needs to see a counselor and be on anti-depressants. She has said she won't take them because she is not depressed. I really believe that she is. But no, I don't think there is any way to commit her for anything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I can't imagine the pain you have felt this past year to get to this point. Sometimes kids just need to be let go. It is obvious that you love her, and that you love your family, and she is the one choosing to leave. But that doesn't make it any easier. We know you want her home, even if she isn't perfect, she is your daughter and you want her home with you, to love her and for her to love you. She has been lucky to be brought up in a home with someone who cares so much, that even at 17, and all you have been through, you don't want her to go. Some kids just need to spread their wings. They often aren't ready, but they just need to go. They need to find their own path. They need to make their mistakes. They will screw up, but they will also make some wise decisions, based on what you have taught her. Now, is the time when all that will come into play. You love for her, will carry her through some tough spots. Even if you don't hear from her for a while, she knows down deep that you love her, and that will be a comfort to her...even if it takes a while for her to see it. Always let her know she can call, and that you want to hear from her, but that your house and your rules stand. Dh has been on his own since he was 16. He came from an unhealthy family, but the responsibility of living on his own, actually kept him safer than if he was home. He had to work and he didn't make much money, so he couldn't buy drugs or alcohol, he had to pay rent. He turned out great and was in a safe place. Dh's best friend was kicked out about the same age, a 'tough love' situation, over religious differences between him and his parents (he had rock music tapes and they were forbidden type of things-but it was a my house/my rules family). He went astray, for a year or two, much further than if he would have stayed at home, but he landed on his feet and was welcomed back in his family a few years later (rock music and all). He went onto college with in a few years and had a typical life. Only your family knows the situation, and only you will be able to forgive her and yourself for it. I really hope you can find some peace in your decision, and that she is smart and keeps herself safe. Tap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Rittenhouse Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I haven't read all the posts about your daughter, but will you clarify one thing for my about your original post in this thread. The bit about you asking her to not smoke in her car. I can understand not smoking in the house, picking up cigarette butts from smoking outside, not smoking outside near open windows and doorways, and not smokling in cars that other family members use. If it's really her car, what's the problem with her smoking in it? Not picking at you, I just don't understand the extent to which you feel you need control her smoking habits as expressed in your OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN Mama Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 :grouphug: Stacey, I can't imagine what you are going through, but my prayers are with you, your daughter & your family. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean too Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Praying for you and your dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Stacey, Is there any way, because she is still a minor and not taking her meds, that you can commit her?. Those days are gone. Unless you are a danger to self or others...and I mean just about to do something permanently bad, it cannot. You could argue a smoker is a danger to self (and possibly others) but we don't commit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 :grouphug:Prayers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyGrace Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 lean on the Lord during this time. Take hope in His Word, especially the story of the Prodigal Son. It sounds like you took the best course of action-trust that you did and don't second guess. Whenever you feel yourself worrying, pray instead. I'll pray that the Lord would lead her safely and quickly home, with a changed heart! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 It was just an example of overall defiance. Of course, we DID give her the car. We DO maintain the car. We DO, right now, pay insurance on the car. I have just asked her not to smoke in it because of the permanent odor it now has. And the issue is that she just leaves them there in defiance to show me that she CAN and she WILL do it. It's just one of a number of things... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm sorry, Stacy. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Rittenhouse Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 It was just an example of overall defiance. Of course, we DID give her the car. We DO maintain the car. We DO, right now, pay insurance on the car. I have just asked her not to smoke in it because of the permanent odor it now has. And the issue is that she just leaves them there in defiance to show me that she CAN and she WILL do it. It's just one of a number of things... I see. Since you do pay the expenses on the car, perhaps you have a right to control the smoking. You're both under a great deal of stress, but concentrate on the really important stuff. Hugs and thanks for clarifying the issue for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolin'mygirls Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Stacey, i am so sad for you. And your dd There were so many people on the last thread that gave you such good advice. The one that stands out in my mind is the poster that told of her experience and having the number of one person in her life that she could always call--no questions asked. Thinking like the 17 year old I was, it would be difficult to call home for help. Kinda like saying I couldn't handle it. How much better to know that your dd has thenumber of someone--an aunt, family friend, older sister--that she can get help from , no questions asked. Praying this gets better ------nan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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