My mom

[BakersDozen]

It's been a while...thank goodness...since I posted. She's been pretty much out of our lives and she's not been missed at all.

My siblings now know about the "trespassing" she had put on my ds. In true form, they said, "Oh, wow, well, that's too bad." And that was it because they don't want any intrusion or drama in their own lives.

Now my mom is in the hospital due to falling and illness. I have been included in the emails between my brother and sister - suddenly they're communicating after being silent and doing nothing to help our family or stand up to my mom. I'm watching this frantic back and forth happen between them as they discuss our mom's lack of a personal representative at doctor appointments, no one to help make sure things are OK at the hospital, etc. I used to go to every appointment with her, took notes, kept a binder, typed up summations for her after office visits, helped set up absolutely everything from check-ups to surgeries to meds. And then she got angry and booted me off as her medical advocate and put my sister, who lives back East and can't get out of bed due to her weight, in charge. And my brother, who is living his best "CA life," said/did nothing because he's just glad he doesn't have to be in charge of our mom.

Now they're finding out just how challenging it is to juggle all of that stuff, and neither of them even live in the state. So hints are being dropped about me going to doctor appointments and such again, and I finally responded with, "Nope. Mom still hasn't forgive me for interfering with her manipulation and lies, she has blocked me from everything medical, and she lied to and about me with her last surgery. And even if I went with her as just her daughter, I cannot say anything, cannot decide anything, and, per her instructions, cannot convey anything to anyone including the two of you."

And now my mom is sending me messages about how horrible the hospital is and she needs a patient advocate and a bath and clean pajamas and....  I told her to call the main hospital # and have a patient advocate go to her room. I'm not doing it. I'm not going to play this stupid, manipulative game. Or my sister and brother can get their (insert many descriptive words here, none of them complimentary) selves here and take care of the mom they indulge and enable over the phone.

ugh ugh ugh

 

[Rosie_0801]

Good on you.

[Laura Corin]

Well done.

[Elizabeth86]

That sounds like such a hard place to be in, but it sounds like you handled everything in the healthiest way possible.

[Katy]

Good for you. I’d ask to be left out of the messages because you cannot do anything anymore. 

[Slache]

Good for you! 

I'm sorry. 

[KungFuPanda]

Why don’t you block your mom’s number, leave the group conversation, and live YOUR best drama-free life? You’ve earned some peace. 

[saraha]

Good for you! Hold the line, we are cheering for you!

[Scarlett]

I agree it is the right way to handle it, but I know how hard it is on you so I wish I could give you a big hug. ❤️

[Kassia]

3 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

That sounds like such a hard place to be in, but it sounds like you handled everything in the healthiest way possible.

I agree.  Very hard, but you're doing great.  

[Harriet Vane]

Stand your ground. 

[kbutton]

Nicely done! I’m sorry it isn’t an easier situation.

 

[City Mouse]

Good for you! If you felt like you want to do something at all, you, or your siblings, could call the hospital social worker and let them know that she is alone, but I wouldn’t do anything more.

[mlktwins]

Unfortunately, I think at some point people need to feel their ramifications/consequences of their decisions and how they've treated people. And your brother and sister, who have not been a support to you at all, will now see what you have been dealing with all this time! It's what your mother wanted after all - for your sister to be her decision maker!

It is very hard taking care of our elders on a good day. What you have dealt with makes it so much worse.  And treating your children poorly is justification enough. Just let it go and live your life!!!

Good for you for standing your ground!!! 

[fraidycat]

Good job holding those boundaries. 
 

It sounds like your mom and siblings are starting to experience some well-deserved consequences. 
 

I agree that you should block your mom, get out of or ignore/delete the sibling group messages and enjoy your days, drama free.

[popmom]

I know how hard this is. You are doing good!

[Lady Florida.]

Good for you. Don't back down and don't let your siblings guilt you into anything. She made her choice and now must live with it. You're doing what's best for you and your family.

ETA: I agree with @KungFuPanda.

Quote

Why don’t you block your mom’s number, leave the group conversation

 

Edited July 19 by Lady Florida.

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that a very reasonable thing to do at this point would be to send factual, non complaining information to your siblings.

As in, “Since you’re in charge of Mom’s care, I wanted to make sure you knew that she has messaged me about needing pajamas.  I’m sure you’ll handle this for her.”  And then just let that lay.  Or, “Since you’re in charge of Mom’s care, I wanted to pass on to you that she texted me that she needs a bath and a patient advocate.  Not sure whether you want to call the hospital to assign one or come out and be here yourselves, but wanted to make sure you know about this.”  And then, again, just let that lay.

That way you’re being true to yourself without stepping in.

If someone asks you to go over there, you can say, “Mom’s been really clear that she wants one of you handling her medical help, so I don’t want to muddy the waters.”  Or just wait a day or two and then say, “I’m sure Mom would rather you did this, as you guys agreed last year.  I don’t want to interfere.”  

That way, again, you’re being true to yourself and to the situation without appearing to do so out of resentment.  I think that that is a stance that will serve your relationship with your siblings for years to come, and it also makes the situation clear and factual, which it tends not to be.

[BakersDozen]

15 hours ago, Elizabeth86 said:

it sounds like you handled everything in the healthiest way possible.

I had voices from the Hive talking me through this for sure. I could not do this without y'all. Nope.

[Corraleno]

2 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

As in, “Since you’re in charge of Mom’s care, I wanted to make sure you knew that she has messaged me about needing pajamas.  I’m sure you’ll handle this for her.”  And then just let that lay.  Or, “Since you’re in charge of Mom’s care, I wanted to pass on to you that she texted me that she needs a bath and a patient advocate.  Not sure whether you want to call the hospital to assign one or come out and be here yourselves, but wanted to make sure you know about this.”  And then, again, just let that lay.

I think OP putting herself in the position of relaying messages between her mom and sister could go wrong in so many ways that it's better to just stay out of it altogether. If mom wants pajamas or a bath, she needs to clearly convey that to the person that SHE chose to be in charge of her care. Otherwise OP will just get sucked further and further into the drama, and mom will be yelling at her for not passing along every nuance of every message perfectly, including anticipating unspoken needs and/or correctly interpreting unclear messages, etc., and anything that goes wrong, any needs that are unmet, will be OP's fault — yet again. And then the sister is likely to say "Well if you already know what she needs and you're RIGHT THERE, why can't you take care of it? Mom wouldn't have told you if she didn't want you to do it." OP needs to hold her boundaries and stay out of it completely, so her mother will be forced to communicate directly with the sister, and the sister will be forced to do a small fraction of the work that she's avoided for years while the OP was used, abused, and exploited.

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, Corraleno said:

I think OP putting herself in the position of relaying messages between her mom and sister could go wrong in so many ways that it's better to just stay out of it altogether. If mom wants pajamas or a bath, she needs to clearly convey that to the person that SHE chose to be in charge of her care. Otherwise OP will just get sucked further and further into the drama, and mom will be yelling at her for not passing along every nuance of every message perfectly, including anticipating unspoken needs and/or correctly interpreting unclear messages, etc., and anything that goes wrong, any needs that are unmet, will be OP's fault — yet again. And then the sister is likely to say "Well if you already know what she needs and you're RIGHT THERE, why can't you take care of it? Mom wouldn't have told you if she didn't want you to do it." OP needs to hold her boundaries and stay out of it completely, so her mother will be forced to communicate directly with the sister, and the sister will be forced to do a small fraction of the work that she's avoided for years while the OP was used, abused, and exploited.

Not necessarily.  You copied out just the passing on of messages part of my post but I also advocated for clear and kind ways to say no to handling requests herself.  The two would need to go hand in hand.  

And in answer to your imagined question form the sister, a good reply could be, “I’m sure Mom actually meant to contact you rather than me since you’re in charge of this, so I was just passing this along as a courtesy in case she had not copied you.”  Staying bland and factual is a really good way to make that kind of thing stick and still maintain appropriate boundaries, which is very important in this circumstance.

[KungFuPanda]

14 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I think that a very reasonable thing to do at this point would be to send factual, non complaining information to your siblings.

As in, “Since you’re in charge of Mom’s care, I wanted to make sure you knew that she has messaged me about needing pajamas.  I’m sure you’ll handle this for her.”  And then just let that lay.  Or, “Since you’re in charge of Mom’s care, I wanted to pass on to you that she texted me that she needs a bath and a patient advocate.  Not sure whether you want to call the hospital to assign one or come out and be here yourselves, but wanted to make sure you know about this.”  And then, again, just let that lay.

That way you’re being true to yourself without stepping in.

If someone asks you to go over there, you can say, “Mom’s been really clear that she wants one of you handling her medical help, so I don’t want to muddy the waters.”  Or just wait a day or two and then say, “I’m sure Mom would rather you did this, as you guys agreed last year.  I don’t want to interfere.”  

That way, again, you’re being true to yourself and to the situation without appearing to do so out of resentment.  I think that that is a stance that will serve your relationship with your siblings for years to come, and it also makes the situation clear and factual, which it tends not to be.

This seems like the OP is involved in a roundabout way rather than extricating herself from the situation altogether. Mom WILL figure out that telling @BakersDozen that she needs X results in her getting X.  I think her only shot at real peace is to quash her own curiosity and leave the conversation. The further she gets from even knowing the day-to-day details, the more relaxed she’ll become. When you choose to participate you are giving people permission to continue mistreating you. 

[Lady Florida.]

40 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

When you choose to participate you are giving people permission to continue mistreating you. 

^^This^^

[Carol in Cal.]

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

This seems like the OP is involved in a roundabout way rather than extricating herself from the situation altogether. Mom WILL figure out that telling @BakersDozen that she needs X results in her getting X.  I think her only shot at real peace is to quash her own curiosity and leave the conversation. The further she gets from even knowing the day-to-day details, the more relaxed she’ll become. When you choose to participate you are giving people permission to continue mistreating you. 

The OP has every right to take that position, but I was trying to suggest a way that she could still stay pretty detached while not taking information about her mother’s health and care and burying it—because that doesn’t seem true to her values.  

[Corraleno]

1 hour ago, Carol in Cal. said:

The OP has every right to take that position, but I was trying to suggest a way that she could still stay pretty detached while not taking information about her mother’s health and care and burying it—because that doesn’t seem true to her values.  

This is the crux of the issue for me. Women who have been in long-term abusive relationships often internalize the idea that setting boundaries in order to protect themselves is a sign of selfishness and lack of compassion. The abuser sets up the dynamic in a way that casts refusal to protect the abuser from the consequences of their own actions as proof that the victim is a cold, uncaring person. Framing the current situation in a way that the OP simply refusing to be the middle man in the abuser's continued drama would be a violation of her personal values basically validates (however inadvertently) the internalized guilt that makes it so hard for women to get out of abusive relationships. 

It's not as if mom is lying on the floor calling OP that she's had a stroke and OP is refusing to help — if mom wants pajamas and a bath she can call the person she purposely designated as her healthcare advocate.  If OP allows herself to be a go-between for her mother and sister, she is absolutely setting herself up for continued abuse, and sacrificing her own mental and emotional well-being to enable other people's dysfunctional behavior isn't a kindness to them either, so it's better for everyone involved if mom and sis communicate directly. 

No one should ever feel that they need to subject themselves to ongoing manipulation and abuse in order to be considered a kind, compassionate person.

[City Mouse]

When my mom was in the hospital and insisted on calling me at 2am several nights in a row to come to help her right then  just because she didn’t want to use the call button, and I was over an hour away, I would promptly call the nurse’s desk and let them know she was asking for help. That was the extent of my involvement at 2am. 

My mother was a very difficult person, and would never ask the hospital staff for assistance, and would even refuse such assistance when offered. She would only ask/demand her children do things for her. I assumed that was because she thought she had to be nice and polite to the staff when she had no intention of being polite to her kids. I was not sad when she finally lost the ability to use her cell phone.

[Carol in Cal.]

3 hours ago, Corraleno said:

This is the crux of the issue for me. Women who have been in long-term abusive relationships often internalize the idea that setting boundaries in order to protect themselves is a sign of selfishness and lack of compassion. The abuser sets up the dynamic in a way that casts refusal to protect the abuser from the consequences of their own actions as proof that the victim is a cold, uncaring person. Framing the current situation in a way that the OP simply refusing to be the middle man in the abuser's continued drama would be a violation of her personal values basically validates (however inadvertently) the internalized guilt that makes it so hard for women to get out of abusive relationships. 

It's not as if mom is lying on the floor calling OP that she's had a stroke and OP is refusing to help — if mom wants pajamas and a bath she can call the person she purposely designated as her healthcare advocate.  If OP allows herself to be a go-between for her mother and sister, she is absolutely setting herself up for continued abuse, and sacrificing her own mental and emotional well-being to enable other people's dysfunctional behavior isn't a kindness to them either, so it's better for everyone involved if mom and sis communicate directly. 

No one should ever feel that they need to subject themselves to ongoing manipulation and abuse in order to be considered a kind, compassionate person.

I think that after a few tries do not result in the OP hastening to her side, this will probably stop.  Or possibly it will escalate and the OP will feel comfortable just cutting off contact.  Or it will escalate and the OP will continue to deflect it, while it becomes increasingly clear to everyone how nutsy this situation is.  

But any way you look at it, the OP making a decision about what to do in this situation, whatever that decision is, is going to be empowering as long as she doesn’t get browbeaten into a decision that she hates.  And sometimes, when you have an elderly family member helpless in the hospital, no matter how mean they have always been, making a decision to completely ignore them is a decision you might hate.  In that case there are other ways to maintain your boundaries, and that’s what I’m trying to demonstrate.