When the ex-boyfriend's mom posts on facebook.

[SKL]

So my kid was dating this boy for about 1.5 years.  It's a long-distance relationship but they would see each other about once every 1.5-2 months and talked every day.  My kid had other boys hitting on her, but she always said "no, I have a boyfriend."  (Both kids are currently 17yo.)

The other day, a female friend (FF) of the boyfriend (BF) sent my kid a photo of FF and BF holding hands.  FF said are you dating BF, because he & I are this close.  (I don't have the exact quotes, but this is the gist.)  My kid contacted BF.  BF said he doesn't like FF, but a picture tells a thousand words.  My kid went back and forth with BF all weekend and ultimately agreed that while "it's over," they aren't blocking each other and they'll still contact each other if they really need to talk.

I've long suspected that there was something going on with BF's female "friends," but I had no proof, so I kept that to myself.

My kid has had reservations about BF recently.  [edited for privacy].  I think she did tell him her feelings about some of it, over the weekend if not before.  I never ever said this out loud, but I had a few reservations of my own. [edited for privacy].

So anyhoo, I'm sure he told his mom (as I hoped he would), his side of the story.  Today, his mom posts on facebook.  (Note, his mom is an infrequent fb poster, so this stands out.)

"Can anything compare to the throes of a high school breakup?

Here is what it had me thinking today: Family is what you get when you realize that the person you committed to is not perfect but decide to keep loving them anyway. And that realization comes with scoops of self-acceptance and humanity on the side. Anyway, that is how it's been for me.

 

Right now there are two parts to my teen -- one part is looking for his next family -- a happy home -- the other doesn't want to relinquish the illusion of perfection. In time I think they will get in synch.

 

I'm so glad I settled for imperfection -- and a happy home."

 

It's a bit ambiguous ... not sure if she's saying her kid or my kid is demanding perfection in a partner ... but I'm a bit offended that she posted it on facebook.  Of her hundreds of fb friends, a lot of them know my family through a common organization we participate in.  I feel like she's publicly putting my kid down for not being accepting enough, or maybe for being "imperfect" enough to be dumped by BF.  My kid has been very accepting and supportive of this guy, until she saw evidence of his straying with a local girl.  I'm guessing the boy didn't tell his mom about that part.

 

I could respond to the post or send a PM.  I don't feel like it's my place.  But I wish she'd take the post down.  This June, like every June, we'll be seeing numerous of her facebook friends and their kids.  This is an important group to my kid.  The more I think about it, the more I hate the mom's post.

 

PS, my kid does not know about the post.

 

What would you do?

Edited March 12 by SKL

[maize]

She said nothing at all about your kid.

She said this about her own kid:

"Right now there are two parts to my teen -- one part is looking for his next family -- a happy home -- the other doesn't want to relinquish the illusion of perfection. In time I think they will get in synch."

Suggesting part of him doesnt want to relinquish illusions of perfection. 

I see no offense towards you or your child.

[teachermom2834]

Oh I would hate that.

But I think you do nothing. I think everyone on the outside will know this is a teen thing and no one is really committing to long term family. I know from the mom side how much this hurts (I have four children who have all dated as teens) but everyone on the outside is going to see this mom as overreacting and oversharing and being inappropriate. I think if you take the high road and say nothing you look better and no one is judging your teen. 
 

If I was on the outside I wouldn’t be judging either teen but I would be judging the mom for oversharing and being over involved. 

[SKL]

1 minute ago, maize said:

She said nothing at all about your kid.

She said this about her own kid:

"Right now there are two parts to my teen -- one part is looking for his next family -- a happy home -- the other doesn't want to relinquish the illusion of perfection. In time I think they will get in synch."

Suggesting part of him doesnt want to relinquish illusions of perfection. 

I see no offense towards you or your child.

Given that many of her fb friends know my kid was dating her kid, would you be fine with this post?

[SKL]

5 minutes ago, maize said:

She said nothing at all about your kid.

She said this about her own kid:

"Right now there are two parts to my teen -- one part is looking for his next family -- a happy home -- the other doesn't want to relinquish the illusion of perfection. In time I think they will get in synch."

Suggesting part of him doesnt want to relinquish illusions of perfection. 

I see no offense towards you or your child.

I guess I don't understand what "illusions of perfection" means.  While nobody's perfect, and my kid certainly is not, it still feels like a put-down.

I'm probably overreacting though.

[saraha]

Aww, that’s tough. As much as I would want to respond, I know the best course of action is to scroll past and roll my eyes. Then I would complain to dh about it. It sounds like your dd handled it well and everyone needs to shake it off and move on. Including the other mother.  
 

She may also just be a weirdo that wants the world to know her snowflake is back on the market. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[regentrude]

What would I do? Ignore it. What else? The woman can post on her Fb page whatever she wants. She didn't attack or slander your DD; she talked about her own son.

[Jaybee]

I don't know what she means either. The post doesn't make much sense to me. But I agree with @teachermom2834's post. I would hate it, but I would not get pulled in. Her kid would probably hate that she posted that too. It's too personal. I am more and more cautious about posting anything personal, including photos of my family (and my adorable grandkids). I think the best response is no response. I would be wary of her, but 🤷‍♀️

[teachermom2834]

3 minutes ago, SKL said:

I guess I don't understand what "illusions of perfection" means.  While nobody's perfect, and my kid certainly is not, it still feels like a put-down.

I'm probably overreacting though.

You are reacting like a mom who feels her daughter is being blamed for a breakup and it is normal to be offended. But I’m telling you- take the high road here because while it is normal for you to feel that way this is one of those things that you vent here or vent to a friend but if you get into it with the mom or on FB or demand the post be taken down or try to explain to members of this organization then you look like the crazy person. Let the other mom own the crazy. No one needs to explain a teen breakup.

[maize]

28 minutes ago, SKL said:

I guess I don't understand what "illusions of perfection" means.  While nobody's perfect, and my kid certainly is not, it still feels like a put-down.

I'm probably overreacting though.

The poster's meaning isn't super clear but I interpret it along the lines of part of her kid is looking for a family (which can make allowances for imperfections in self and others) and part is looking for that perfect match that supposedly will bring happiness because they are perfect. And eventually he will learn that happiness can go along with imperfection.

It just reads to me as sort of rambly philosophical musing while feeling sympathetic to her kid going through his first break-up.

I really doubt anyone at all is reading it and judging your kid because of it.

[Scarlett]

15 minutes ago, maize said:

The poster's meaning isn't super clear but I interpret it along the lines of part of her kid is looking for a family (which can make allowances for imperfections in self and others) and part is looking for that perfect match that supposedly will bring happiness because they are perfect. And eventually he will learn that happiness can go along with imperfection.

It just reads to me as sort of rambly philosophical musing while feeling sympathetic to her kid going through his first break-up.

I really doubt anyone at all is reading it and judging your kid because of it.

Agree. I would be very annoyed at the post and would probably vent away to this board but trust me, silence and no acknowledgement is best.   

[HomeAgain]

There are some people in life where you either choose to watch the show and bring your own popcorn, or you choose to participate in the circus. I wouldn't rush into the ring here. Don't respond, don't do anything.  Just roll your eyes and watch the vaguebooking happen.

[SKL]

I can't help watching the reactions and comments on her post.

Someone commented that loss is expecially hard for our kids (mine included!), and the mom wrote a long response to that.

I guess she's really just musing on the thought process teens go through when they face a loss.  I still wish she didn't post it in such a public place.

(Perhaps I'm being hypocritical posting this here ... but afaik, nobody here knows us IRL.)

[Kanin]

Ugh, posting things like that about teenage kids is icky. What high school kid wants their mom revealing personal details on social media?

[Tap]

If I read that on someone's FB, I would think it was about their own teen, not the other part of the breakup.  To me I see it as:

My teen is upset they broke up with their partner. They are looking for a family and perfection. They will realize a happy family isn't perfection....just like I did.

No person or relationship is perfect, so I don't get the problem.  To me, the relationship being long distance to begin with, makes the relationship less than perfect. (From a person who had a long distance relationship for 3.5 years in high school).

Said Kindly....I really feel you are reading way more into this than she is meaning. In no way do I read this in the musings about a teen relationship: "I feel like she's publicly putting my kid down for not being accepting enough, or maybe for being "imperfect" enough to be dumped by BF. " Quite honestly, if you say something defensive it will look like you consider you own child a snowflake and are trying to defend her perfection. 

She is simply saying her son is looking for something that doesn't exist.

 

Edited March 12 by Tap

[gardenmom5]

She sounds dramatic.

I'd ignore it.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

I guess I don't understand what "illusions of perfection" means.  While nobody's perfect, and my kid certainly is not, it still feels like a put-down.

I'm probably overreacting though.

She could also be talking about her son's balloon burst when thinking relationships can be perfect.  -  For some people, that can be a very painful realization.
tbh: considering he was caught dating another girl incited the break-up, the mom is probably more upset than the kid.

2 hours ago, SKL said:

Given that many of her fb friends know my kid was dating her kid, would you be fine with this post?

 I think you're making this much too personal.

 

[SKL]

14 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

 I think you're making this much too personal.

Maybe.  But those people do know my kid.  Some of the folks we know in common IRL have reacted to her post.

I would bet that if I posted the same thing, his mom would be pissed.

[SKL]

Another thing - isn't it a bit early for her to be thinking "family" with respect to two minor high school students?

(I am probably just being prickly right now.)

(Her kid isn't the only person affected here.)

[gardenmom5]

13 minutes ago, SKL said:

Another thing - isn't it a bit early for her to be thinking "family" with respect to two minor high school students?

(I am probably just being prickly right now.)

(Her kid isn't the only person affected here.)

depends upon your community.   it seems there are evangelical communities it's not early.

most communities it would be early.

17 minutes ago, SKL said:

Maybe.  But those people do know my kid.  Some of the folks we know in common IRL have reacted to her post.

I would bet that if I posted the same thing, his mom would be pissed.

so - they know your daughter. . . .   Are you really afraid that, if they know your daughter, they'll look down their nose at her, or some other such thing?
the mom didn't say why the breakup happened.   
if these people know the mom - they should also know her son - and it's very likely they know he has a local girlfriend as well as your daughter at a distance.   and they'll likely see more of him and the local girlfriend. 
 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

It seems wildly dramatic to me for a high school relationship. 
I’d roll my eyes and leave it alone. But I’d do a seriously heavy eye roll.

[Pam in CT]

I would also wish the mom wouldn't do her musing in such a public way.

But, that musing-in-public is what social media recognizes/ rewards/ monetizes.
 

I wish your daughter didn't have to endure additional salt in the wound of the breakup that the mom's-musing-in-public evokes.

But, she'll almost certainly eventually come across it, if she hasn't already.

 

I wish our society didn't run on SM.

But, it does.

 

This is what God created eyerolls for.  Hugs to you and your daughter.

[Clarita]

If I read that I'd be embarrassed for the mom and the child. All of it the whole thinking we are all starting some sort of family in high school, the posting about your child's love life... Could you imagine a future employer/coworker/potential employer stumbling across that? 😬

[Sneezyone]

I would note that my child wasn't named, tagged, or specifically mentioned and keep it moving.

[City Mouse]

I think it is weird that she posted about a high school kid “looking for his next family”. What mother wants their 17yr old yo be looking for a “next family”. That sounds like they are way too serious about teen dating, and that your DD is better off not being so involved with them.

[SKL]

40 minutes ago, City Mouse said:

I think it is weird that she posted about a high school kid “looking for his next family”. What mother wants their 17yr old yo be looking for a “next family”. That sounds like they are way too serious about teen dating, and that your DD is better off not being so involved with them.

It does make one wonder.  I assume that as they were talking daily, the teens may have discussed their vision of future family life.  Do you want a bunch of kids and all that.  But then why was he holding some other girl's hand?

I'm still confused about the "perfection" aspect of the post, but I guess it relates to conversations to which I'm not privy.

[Heartstrings]

It sounds like your daughter dodged a bullet in the crazy, over-involved mother-in-law department.   

[SKL]

Well I didn't realize this before, but BF is apparently his mom's fb friend.  Apparently he just saw the post and commented, "wow."

I should add that various comments were made about how BF should look at himself and see what he could have done better, how adoptees have a hard time with relationships, etc.

Ugh.

Edited March 12 by SKL

[prairiewindmomma]

What would I do? I'd ignore it, thank my lucky stars that my high school aged kid is not looking to continue the relationship (red flags abound in what you're sharing), and I'd be polite but distant when you bump into her in June.  Take the high ground. Most people understand that high school romances (even long standing ones) are outgrown and people move on.  The implied snark thing from the mom and comments from others are annoying, but people let their mouths run all of the time.  Her opinion shouldn't be considered definitive in valuing your kid. 

I'd celebrate your kid (you and she privately) valuing herself and not putting up with bs in a relationship!

[HomeAgain]

@SKL, that's even worse, imo.  It's not like she was talking with her friends, but now her kid has watched everyone gossip with her about his relationship.

 

Ew.  Poor kid.

[KungFuPanda]

7 hours ago, SKL said:

I can't help watching the reactions and comments on her post.

Someone commented that loss is expecially hard for our kids (mine included!), and the mom wrote a long response to that.

I guess she's really just musing on the thought process teens go through when they face a loss.  I still wish she didn't post it in such a public place.

(Perhaps I'm being hypocritical posting this here ... but afaik, nobody here knows us IRL.)

You can help it. Try pausing her for 30 days so you’ll have some peace and won’t be tempted to keep reading updates.  It doesn’t matter if people think she’s talking about your child. Even teen romances that aren’t long distance don’t stand much of a chance. Nobody expected this to go anywhere or got invested. 
 

I get that you’re feeling protective and are on high alert, but it really is better to not engage. 

[SKL]

Welp, she took the post down.

I'm glad she took it down, but sad if it's because of the fallout with her son.  😞

[Clarita]

2 minutes ago, SKL said:

I'm glad she took it down, but sad if it's because of the fallout with her son.  😞

🤷‍♀️ Sure, best if she didn't put it up in the first place but parents are people too and do the wrong thing sometimes. I think it says something good if her son feels 1) it's safe to tell her he doesn't like it and 2) for her to hear him and take it down.

[Ting Tang]

It's good she took the post down because I'm thinking it made her look silly.  

[catz]

That is beyond obnoxious.  I wouldn't respond.  But I'd also hide and potentially just straight up unfriend.  I'd encourage my kid to do the same if she uses that brand of social media.  

17 year olds date and break up and it's just not that big of a deal even though it can feel dramatic at the time..  That is just way over stepping as a parent of a teen.   And to argue with your teen publicly on social media?  Yikes.  Shouldn't be surprised if that kid decides to put some distance in that relationship at his earliest opportunity..  I'd be quietly celebrating the break up.

Edited March 13 by catz

[katilac]

8 hours ago, SKL said:

I assume that as they were talking daily, the teens may have discussed their vision of future family life.  Do you want a bunch of kids and all that.  

I would never think of teens discussing their vision of future family life, unless they come from a background that is big on early marriage. 

[Sneezyone]

5 hours ago, katilac said:

I would never think of teens discussing their vision of future family life, unless they come from a background that is big on early marriage. 

Or, maybe they’re mature and intentional? Still, nothing a parent needs to comment on or be involved in.