s/o friends (ours - making, keeping, and being)

[SKL]

My life hasn't really allowed me to make friends for decades. 

Do I even have friends?  I have people who would help me in a fix, but I also have to appease them and tell them what they want to hear.  Friends, but not as good of friends as I'd like (but don't tell them that).  Maybe that's normal though.

The other thread got me thinking - what are the barriers to making friends, keeping friends, and being a good friend?

I can't share everything here, but there are controlling people in my life whom I see as a challenge to maintaining / expanding my social circle.  And I am apparently not mentally strong enough to ignore them.  And I don't see this changing any time soon.

Someone suggested a WTM get-together.  Due to various communities of which I'm a part, I'm invited to various social get-togethers, and I'm almost never able to even consider it.  I would say "being a single working mom, I just can't justify that much me-time."  But it's really more than that - and with older teens, the "mom" side of things is falling off as an excuse.

So ... for you all, if you don't have the friend circle you'd like - what are your barriers to making friends, keeping friends, and being a good friend?

 

[regentrude]

I struggled for many years making friends after our immigration. I never had a feeling of belonging in any group. I was only a part-time adjunct and didn't fit with the female professors; I homeschooled but also worked a regular job as the only woman in our group; I was in choir but decades older than anybody else... 

I found that I need to be intentional about cultivating friendships by putting in the time, and that I met people when I made the time to invest in a  shared interest. It was also important for me to realize that all things have a season, and that friendships can last for a season in life, and that's okay.

For me, things changed in my mid-forties. When oldest left for college and DS was in 11th grade, I returned to full-time work, and I poured time and energy into my creative pursuits. Through that, I met  many new people, and with some I connected on a deep level and made several close friends. Some came into my life for a few year and we are no longer in touch, but they played an important role, helped me grow, and we were close. Some have been my friends for many years now. 

The key to me is prioritizing those friendships and making the time to get together, to email, to do something to keep up the connection. I have an old friend back home whom I see once a year, but that is a special case. 

[Rosie_0801]

It's the 'equally yoked' thing.

The people I would suit and who would suit me are also in their houses hiding from the world.

[sweet2ndchance]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's the 'equally yoked' thing.

The people I would suit and who would suit me are also in their houses hiding from the world.

I wish I could like your post Rosie. I am one of those people in their houses hiding from the world too. 🤣

I've found that I don't have many people irl that I would really call a friend and I'm ok with that. I don't crave more social interaction than I already have. Just because other people are concerned that I'm not more social doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. I'm happy with my social life just the way it is and that's all that matters.

[Faith-manor]

13 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

It's the 'equally yoked' thing.

The people I would suit and who would suit me are also in their houses hiding from the world.

I demand "likes" for Rosie. Seriously! The woman is the soul of wisdom.

I am in your boat as well. I feel completely displaced in the current culture of my region. 

[WildflowerMom]

I don’t have any real friends irl.     I’m too weird, I think.   I don’t fit with any group.   
 

eta:  sorry, forgot to add my barriers.  I have agoraphobia for one thing.   But honestly, the close friends I’ve had as an adult all went nuts.   It soured me from wanting friendships.  Now, though, I’d love to have a friend or two, but who wants to be friends with a middle-aged woman who has no roots here in this community and is socially awkward?   No one.  🤷🏻‍♀️ 

Edited January 25 by WildflowerMom

[marbel]

I've struggled with feelings of being an outsider most of my life. Being shy and introverted makes it hard for me to reach out. 

I did hit my stride when I was a working adult, and had lots of friends, some very close. Then I got married, had a child, and moved to another state, and those sort of fell away. (Pre-email and texting - who had time to write letters or talk on the phone?)

After a couple of lonely years I found good friends at kids' playgroups and at church. That was like the golden age of friendships for my whole family. Four or five families getting together at one or another's home, sharing food and laughter while the kids played. When I see scenes like that in a move/tv/commercial, it makes me cry a little. 

Then, another move which was supposed to be temporary - 3 years - so we didn't really invest in getting to know a lot of people (we've now been here 16 years). Also, our area is a bit weird compared to different from other places I've lived. People here are very stable; on my street 3 houses are occupied by one extended family. Someone bought grandma's house, another sibling bought the house down the street, that sort of thing. Kids go to the same high school their grandparents went to. This is pretty common in my area. Families are large, and all the kids have loads of cousins. People here don't need more friends! They are born into a big social group. 

We again found a group through our church but then, as I mentioned in another thread, there was some weirdness and we had to leave. (Nothing scandalous but a very long story.) There was no reason for people to drop us, but everyone disappeared when we left, even though we still lived in the same place.

Anyway, we have had trouble finding a new church so haven't been able to build any new relationships. I went back to work for a few years, but I didn't really fit in with my coworkers, and in any case in 2020 we went 100% remote and there would be no socializing.  My husband has work friends but they don't socialize outside of stopping for a beer at the end of the day sometimes. 

So I didn't mean to turn this into a sob story but that's my answer to the question. I'm not actually sure I answered it though!  Friendships can just be hard at times. 

 

Edited January 25 by marbel

[scholastica]

2 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

I don’t have any real friends irl.     I’m too weird, I think.   I don’t fit with any group.   

You’ve never struck me as weird, if it’s any consolation. I doubt anyone here thinks you’re weird!

[WendyLady]

My kids are young adults now, and I think their teen years were the busiest of my life. And if we weren't busy, or I wasn't taking them somewhere, or worried about where they might be, then I needed to be home with them. I specifically didn't do much friend stuff because I didn't have time, and my kids needed me. I just wanted to mention that because you are right in the middle of a really busy season! 

My main barrier to friendships is that we move every 2-3 years. That makes it hard to create and keep connections. Also, I'm socially awkward. I'm not good in a big group. I freeze up. 

And I work from home, so that limits the people that I meet in my normal life. I have started taking a couple of classes and now that we are a few weeks in, I am enjoying recognizing and chatting with a few people in class. 

We moved about a year and a half ago and I have made a point of trying to make connections. I don't have a large base of history here and without having kids in sports or school activities, I wasn't sure how to meet people. One thing that I have tried is inviting people (from our church and from my husband's work) over to our home for dinner to help me create those connections. I'm better in a small group. And that has been fun. I feel like I know people better, and feel more a part of the community, but I don't have a bunch of friends.

I feel like I have found 1 friend and I am delighted to have her, I don't always have a good friend at each place we live, so I know it can be a rare treasure for me. 

 

 

[Faith-manor]

I also stopped going to Mark's social events for coworkers +1 during our homeschool years. I had education and rocketry to talk about, and the last good book I had read was whatever literature I was teaching my kids at the time. All the other women were career women at that time, many without kids, and I felt out of place. I actually, in terms of my own hobbies and pursuits, fit in better with some of Mark's work buddies. I felt self conscious though about being the only gal shooting the breeze within a sea of male, computer geeks.

I did have more just outings, and general chats though within the context of 4H and rocketry. But then covid killed our program, our new program director nixed everything that was not agricultural. So I lost that connection. That was hard.

We live 3.5 hours away from our rocket range for high power launches. There are female rocketeers there, and when we are down to the field to launch, I do very much enjoy their company, and that goes for the guys too. This is not a remotely misogynistic group. Everyone just loves rocketry, and mentoring competitive teams, and so forth, and everyone, even beasts, are welcome and befriended. We just don't live close enough to socialize, and right now weather has been so crazy, we haven't been able to manage any winter launches. It probably makes me feel even more isolated.

[SKL]

Yeah I actually used to have a reasonable number of friends.  We'd talk for hours!  Too much, really.  😛  But that was before I adopted kids and became a WAHM.

A few of my best friends died.  Others fell away because I couldn't make much time for them when my kids were little.  I made some new friends at kid activities, but few friendships stuck after the activities ended.  I still meet some friends occasionally, but they are not what I'd consider close.

I'm an extreme introvert, but I like people (in moderation, haha).  Maybe I'll make new friends if/when I start doing old people activities.

[WildflowerMom]

9 minutes ago, scholastica said:

You’ve never struck me as weird, if it’s any consolation. I doubt anyone here thinks you’re weird!

Awww, thank you!   💛💛💛

I guess maybe ‘quirky’ would fit better?  Idk.  I have adhd so my brain can’t focus and I go from one random topic to another.   Dh sometimes calls me ‘squirrel’, lol.  For a lot of people, that would (does) really get on their nerves.    I also find a lot of things funny that some people don’t.  I’ve been ‘shushed’ at funerals, for example.  Not for laughing at anything mean or anything, nor poking fun, just reminiscing about the people and such and laughed a little too loud.   My beliefs are kinda all over the place.   I just really don’t ’fit’ anywhere.     It is what it is.    

[Kassia]

@WildflowerMom Quirky is good, IMO!  🙂  

I'm another one who agrees with @Rosie_0801 and fits into the group of hiding from the world.

I used to be much more connected with my friends until I started having health/physical issues 6 1/2 years ago.  That changed my life so much physically and mentally that I didn't have the mental energy anymore to maintain friendships the way I used to.  I can be supportive to my friends, but I'm so depressed and anxious and negative all the time that I've become very withdrawn.  I expect friends to be there for me when I need them, but not for this length of time with no break.  And now, in addition to my own issues, DH is facing a cancer diagnosis so things are even worse than ever.  I just can't dump on friends over and over and over for years.  So we keep in touch and I care very much about them, but I definitely hold back on what is going on in my own life because I don't want to be a burden.  And sometimes (like now) I'm just too anxious and stressed to engage in the relationship unless I'm needed for them.  

[Carrie12345]

I didn’t really do the friends thing for a long time. New area, many small kids, very limited money, exhausted. And weird.

Homeschool activities pulled me into some friendships, mostly because we have a very eclectic community here and I meshed with several people.   
Then dh joined the fire department, which was supposed to be his thing, but kept nudging me to meet some of the people. Now they’re my second family.  

Shared interests, outlooks, goals, weirdness… not all in every person, but some in each. 

[TheReader]

I've given this some thought today since you posted, and for me, one of the barriers is actually that I leap to "friend" status in my head much faster than the average person. I don't know if this is my personality, or stems from expat life where that's kind of the norm (you meet, you evaluate if you hate this person, or can tolerate them, and you hang out - it can go from nothing to "we do lunch at our house or theirs every single weekend" really quickly, b/c that's just the world it is).  So, I meet a person, and we click, and I like them, and *in my mind* we're friends. Done. 

But are we hanging out? Eating dinner together? Doing things? Talking on the phone? Or mostly just seeing each other in whatever setting where we met?  Usually the latter, and eventually it dawns on me that not everyone sees friend how I do.  

Ex: when Harvey hit, there was this family at our church and our co-op; I liked the mom, DH got along with the dad, and our Middle kiddos were good friends with each other. We socialized *some* but not a lot. When they had to (middle of Harvey, when flood predictions increased) evacuate, and we were still very much safe, I invited them (all 5, and their dog) to our house. Because, that's what friends do.  **In my mind, we were all already pretty good friends.**    Years later, I learned from said friend, **that is when she considers that we actually became close friends/really the start of our friendship.** 

That kind of disconnect is, I'm realizing, normal for me. 

I've also wondered if part of my struggle is that DH & I met & got together in high school -- when friend-making is a very different thing than making friends as adults.  Then we had friends from college who we hung out with (again, different world/different rules).  Then we had "park day friends" from the early homeschool days -- again, a unique world w/its own rules.  Then expat life (different world/different rules), and now only in the  last 10 yrs that we've been "back" am I learning how to make/keep/be friends as a grown-up, independent of any of the other roles in my life.  New world, new rules. 

I have lots of acquaintances. Fencing friends (we see each other there, hang out at fencing/after fencing, hang out at tournaments/after tournaments...but not yet close friends).  DH has work friends (some of whom are also my friends, sometimes we do socialize w/them outside of work functions). I am becoming friends/friendly with some of the moms of my kiddos at school. But good friends.....close friends....the Harvey family, who've now moved. And some online friends. And....that's it. 

And really that's another hinderance -- am I spending more time cultivating my online friendships, and not enough cultivating my in person ones. It's so much easier to pop on, message via FB, chat, catch up, etc. and you feel so close b/c you see all that they  post/everything going on....but you don't email or interact one on one. And then all your social energy is being spent on people you can't really just hang out with.  (when I say "you" I mean "me" and the collective, generic "you", not *you* you). 

So I try and limit that, and make sure I'm investing in the in-person people I'd like to get to know better. And I try to be aware that I feel "more" than they might. I try to remind myself how the rules of this place/time work. And I've given myself permission to do the things I'd like, even if it's more than the level of friendship they might think, as long as it isn't weird (like inviting a family to stay during  a hurricane....or making baby quilts for 2 fencing acquaintances, even though maybe that's a lot for that level of friendship...). I try and ask about them, how are they doing, what's going on, etc. I try and check in - a text to see did they make it home after the floody rain? Hey, I saw you signed up for this tournament, that's so cool!  How did the new job go/is the new job going? Etc.  

I'll let you know if it starts working, if any of the fencing acquaintances move to real friends.  Some are, I think. We shall see. 

(all that to say - I get it, and I think it's not uncommon)

 

[Ausmumof3]

Barriers are tiredness and fear of initiating. I just rarely have the extra energy for much more. 
 

Most of my longer term friendships are through church and I think that’s because the obligation to to weekly is strong with our belief system. When I’m tired or down and really would like to stay home I force myself to get there and that is actually good for my mental health in the long run. 
 

Otherwise yeah, I’d probably just work and hide at home. I kind of envy those with big friendship circles but at the same time I know I don’t have the mental energy to maintain that.

[math teacher]

Always had trouble in the friend department. When Covid came and changed things, I remarked that I had been practicing for this (isolation) all my life. 

[Wheres Toto]

Yeah, I'm another shy, quirky introvert who never quite feels like I fit in.  I mean, I am literally on the executive committee of the board of directors of a volunteer activity I do.  I was asked to join this board, then asked to serve a role on the executive committee.   And yet, I still sometimes feel like an outsider.    And it's not because anyone else makes me feel that way, it's all on me. 

I do have some fellow volunteers/workers for the organization that I consider friends.  They were homeschool friends that I actually introduced/helped break in to this activity but then they became more active than I was.    I have other homeschool friends, I'm friends with the people I work with although technically they are my employees.   Some are parents of my students.  

But we don't tend to get together to do things much.  We talk when we see each other, send messages, share jokes.  But we're all really busy, and really reluctant to go out after full days working.  

[mommyoffive]

@Kassia Sending you a hug.  I am so sorry to hear about your dh's diagnosis. 

 

@SKL I was actually just crying about this topic this morning.  I don't have any friends other than everyone here.  Here is how that happened.  We moved to a new state and I got pregnant within a few weeks and then got HG with my first pg (and everyone there after).  I wanted to get a job but was so sick and then visibly pregnant.  Then I did that 4 more times.  We didn't know anyone in the state.  I became a stay at home mom after my first was born and have been ever since.  Oh and we homeschooled since the start.  I actually make "friends" easily.  I like to talk and to listen.  I like connecting with people.  Thing is I have been with my kids every moment since they were born.  We had a good group of friends when my kids were young and in playgroups.  But then those kids all went to public school and we didn't hangout anymore.   Then we joined the coop and that was were our "friends" came from.  And then so on and so on.  Every time the kids changed to a new activity those became my "friends" .  So yeah having a bunch of kids, staying home with them for 18 years, spend all your free time taking care of them or transporting them to places, and being the childcare 100% of the time so your dh can focus on his career and there just never is time for me to have friends outside of wherever my kids are.

I am glad I am not the only one, but it still is lonely.

[Kassia]

@mommyoffivethank you for the hug.  You are such a sweet person here - always so supportive and checking on people.  I'm sorry you feel lonely.  Sending a hug back to you.

[bookbard]

I have a lot of friends at the moment. This has been 100% environmental, in that I see a lot of people regularly, we tend to talk, and just the sheer time I have each week in talking to people has led me to be friends with a percentage of them. I have a few who I've taken on their kids overnight when there's been an emergency (sudden hospital visits). I probably don't have any that I would tell everything to - it isn't like books or movies, they're not my soulmates or anything. But I enjoy spending time with them, and I know in an emergency they would be there. 

I would say time to talk is the big thing. So if you're volunteering and you tend to see people every week in a situation where you talk. Or work, in a job where you're a team. Or like an exercise thing. In my situation, I have a community service job where I see people regularly. I tend to ask how people are going, what they're reading (if I can tell they're readers), stuff like that. Or talk about kids, that is a big thing. 

I have a really good friend, we get along well, but I haven't been able to see her for about 5 years. We just caught up, it was great! But we know we won't be able to see each other again for ages. You can't maintain a real friendship like that, where you're just basically exchanging Christmas cards. You need to be there week after week and hear about first day of school and first week of school and then what happened with that mean kid in week 2 and so on. I do put effort into catching up with one particular close friend, we try to at least walk once a week and vent at each other about kids/work etc. Another friend who lives far away, I put effort into chatting to her via social media. But I am choosy about who I will give my energy to. 

[Eos]

This is something I've been thinking about lately. Actually, for the past 34 years!  I looked and looked but never found my homeschool mom friends, dh and I ran businesses where we know hundreds of people but not really in a friendship capacity, and he doesn't like friends.  I won't say he's an introvert, he's very good with people, just doesn't want to be with anyone other than the kids or me. He's never wanted to have couples or other families over for dinner or go out for drinks or anything at all. I've been lonely all my adult life with him and it's not been great.

On the other hand, a volunteer project a few years ago brought a new friend into my life and it's been wonderful.  We hike and talk and volunteer at the same thing.  Our backgrounds are very different but we share enough to make it not matter.  It's kind of a miracle and I wish it for all other lonely moms. We've emailed almost every day or hung out and walked or hiked a lot.  She only lives here half the year so when she's gone I'm lonely but we still email, even just one-liners or book titles, etc, which keeps it going.

[Pawz4me]

I think it's probably very difficult to make friends if you move frequently.

I have three people that I call friends. We're approaching old lady status now and we've known each other at least since high school (I've known one of them since first grade). We all stayed in the same area and have managed to maintain our friendship all these years. We go long periods of time w/o communicating with each other, but we get together several times a year for very long lunches, and I feel sure if I needed anything they'd be there for me. But it's not the kind of friendship where we're talking/texting every day, or meeting for a walk or cup of coffee kind of thing. Truthfully I'm not suited for that type of friendship. That much interaction would absolutely wear me out. My social needs bucket is extremely shallow, so it doesn't take much at all to fill it up and make it overflow. I think if those ladies weren't in my life I wouldn't feel a hole, or at least not a very big one. Like @sweet2ndchance said, I don't crave more social interaction and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

[Indigo Blue]

20 hours ago, sweet2ndchance said:

I wish I could like your post Rosie. I am one of those people in their houses hiding from the world too. 🤣

I've found that I don't have many people irl that I would really call a friend and I'm ok with that. I don't crave more social interaction than I already have. Just because other people are concerned that I'm not more social doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. I'm happy with my social life just the way it is and that's all that matters.

Yes to the bolded. 
 

I once was joking on here about a WTM introvert get together. We would just all sit in our corners at our beach rental and wave at each other. 

I’ve been sad because all the things I’m interested in are either not safe to do alone as a female or require other people who are not interested in the thing I’m interested in, such as pickle ball and badminton. I gave up on those. 
 

I think I want to get deeper into being outdoors alone (or with my son who would love that, too). We have a national forest between us, and even if I’m not able to hike far or am hurting, I can still sit around a campfire, learn new skills, etc. I think hanging out in the national forest may be something I can do as an introvert. It’s low cost to do that once you have all the things you need. It’s cheaper than going on a real vacation and way less stressful. 

Edit: And, yes, I like Rosie’s post, too. 

 

 

 

Edited January 26 by Indigo Blue

[Indigo Blue]

Big hugs to you, @Kassia. ❤️