When you don't like gifts immediate family gave you

[PrairieSong]

Our family shares wish lists and I got some nice gifts..compost bin, snap ware glass food containers, popcorn. I can use all of those.

However, I feel bad when people spend money and/or time on things I don't like or want. DH and I agreed to not exchange gifts, but then he surprised me with pickleball paddles and balls. I walk for exercise and don't play sports, but they opened up pickleball courts near us and he thought it would be a fun activity to do together. I am open to trying, but doubt I'd play more than once or twice. He spent like $100 on it! 

One daughter made us a farmhouse style board that says "Grandkids make life grand" and has a piece of twine with clothespins where she clipped wallet-sized photos of each kid. I thanked her and smiled at their cute faces, but it's so not my style. I'll put it up somewhere though.

My parents (who have both been gone for years) felt an obligation to keep every gift ever given to them. I am not sure why. I have no qualms about donating things, EXCEPT when it will be noticed by someone who lives here or visits often, which is the case now. 

I guess I am very picky and prefer practical or consumable gifts. I really do. Or maybe I am just a grinch. 

 

 

 

 

[JustEm]

You are not a grinch.  I too have no issue getting rid of gifts.  But I also have no problem returning things that just aren't my thing.  For example, I'd likely return the pickle ball stuff and spend that money on something that is more me.  I'd let my dh know that I really appreciate the thought and would love to find something else that we could do together, since pickle ball isn't something I'm interested in. 

I would absolutely keep the thing your dd made if one of my kids made me it, even if it wasn't my style.  I'd hang it up for years and then eventually take it down but maybe not get rid of it.  That is a tough one.

[JustEm]

But it took me years to be able to speak up when dh gifted me things that just weren't me.  I lived with a Kuerig, which I hate, for years after he got me one for Christmas.  Then one day I put a french press on my Christmas list and announced I hated the Kuerig. I made  a point of saying I didn't hate that he got it for me.  He solved a problem (our coffee maker broke.) I just didn't like the product he picked.

[PrairieSong]

9 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

But it took me years to be able to speak up when dh gifted me things that just weren't me.  I lived with a Kuerig, which I hate, for years after he got me one for Christmas.  Then one day I put a french press on my Christmas list and announced I hated the Kuerig. I made  a point of saying I didn't hate that he got it for me.  He solved a problem (our coffee maker broke.) I just didn't like the product he picked.

Yes! I don't hate that they got me *whatever it is*. Several years ago DH and I attended a local art show and I really loved one of the paintings. Later DH secretly inquired about it, but it had sold. He bought another painting by the same artist, beautifully framed and I know it was not inexpensive, but so different from the one I loved. It is very dark and gloomy. It was generous and kind of him, and I thanked him and it's still hanging in our house. And I still really dislike it. Sigh.

On our wish lists we also add "things I don't want/need". Would it be horrible of me to add no sports equipment, art, home decor? 

Edited to add: what I hate is the fact that I feel guilty for not liking the gift they put thought and effort into choosing/making for me, and that their money and time seems wasted.

Edited December 26, 2023 by PrairieSong
added a thought

[JustEm]

no it wouldn't be horrible, especially if there is already a spot for things you don't want/need.  That is what that spot is for. I understand the feeling guilty but one can truly appreciate and love the expression of love without loving or appreciating the gift itself.

[marbel]

I empathize with you and understand the guilt, and the difference between not wanting/liking the gift, and being grateful for *a* gift at all. 

I don't think its wrong to have a "don't buy" category on your wish/gift list. Home decor is very personal and I think requires agreement from all who live in the space. (Well, in a family I suppose I mean the adult(s)/parents.) Sports equipment, ugh. I hate sports and would be angry if my husband decided that "we" were going to take up pickleball (or anything else). I'd probably tell him to enjoy himself with his pickleball club. 

My in-laws gave us a Keurig one year, which was unwanted. We asked them if they had kept the receipt because we couldn't use it and wanted to return it. They were pretty mad at us about it, which was kinda baffling. But I remembered my FIL once saying (years before this) that gifts should never be returned, but just used because that's the polite thing to do.  

 

 

[GoVanGogh]

My DH and I have had that issue our entire marriage. Pre-internet, I found a lovely necklace I wanted. I drew a map to where it was located in the store, included a detailed sketch and the sku number. He swears he took the paper to the store with him, yet the necklace he bought me was totally opposite, including different color metal, etc. He knows I like bigger pieces of jewelry (I am larger on top…) yet he is forever giving me tiny, tiny necklaces. We try to do the “buy our own gift” thing, then he still buys me something that leaves me questioning, How??? Last year, he gave me a huge gift card then didn’t like what I spent it on. (Kitchen item I wanted - wheatgrass juicer - he felt it was too practical.) He really is a great person. 

[HomeAgain]

We have a rule in our house that nobody is obligated to keep something that isn't working for them.  Nor is anyone obligated to use any gift.  It is far better to offer it up to someone who does want it rather than to hang on to something out of misplaced guilt. DH really didn't like his present one year (a mystery subscription) but tried out the first mystery and then let subsequent packages be up for grabs.  Even if it hurt my feelings that he didn't like it, I think training the rest of the house to only keep what works for them is more important.

Use the board your dd made for a while, and then donate it when "there are just so many pictures you want to share and needed something that could hold more" (like a digital frame).  Try out pickleball, let the paddles sit for a year and then gift them to a neighbor who wants to try it out.  Or even better, "loan" them out, because people who borrow things only give them back about 50% of the time. 😆

[Dianthus]

Deleting now since I just feel like a bad ungrateful person. 

Edited December 26, 2023 by Dianthus

[rebcoola]

We return things.  If its homemade like the sign it will probably go somewhere out of the way.   I get really bothered by obvious fails from close family if my foreign exhcange student can get me a perfect gift after 3 months without being told a husband teen/adult kids can to.

 

[teachermom2834]

Not quoting but I have had similar experiences with getting gifts from my dh. I would ask for something specific and he would take that as a jumping off point to get me something kind of similar but enough different to be not anything like what I want or can use but then I look like the jerk for not liking it. 
 

For example I might ask for something in a specific size or color but they were out of that or he forgot so he substitutes another size or color that makes the item unusable or undesirable for me. But in his mind he got what I wanted or tried really hard to. But I just get mad because it isn’t at all what I asked for. 
 

I wish I could say we came to a solution but our solution was to stop the gift giving. But my dh is not really open to communication and working on issues. I feel like this should be a solvable problem but for us the solution was to stop getting gifts for each other. It would be nice to exchange gifts with dh but it was really making me angry and it is better to just not do it.

[marbel]

My husband got me a little tabletop solo stove after I had seen a 2-pack at Costco and asked him if he thought they would be good gifts for our kids. He said no to that but got me one instead. I don't want it. But everyone reacted so enthusiastically on Christmas morning I didn't want to be the Grinch. I'll probably send it home with my daughter at some point. 

[Bootsie]

There have been times that I have received gifts that were things that I didn't think I liked or would ever use, and they have turned out to be items I really liked or enjoyed.  And, there have been times that I received a gift that I really, really wanted to find out that I didn't really like it so much after all. 

[SKL]

Maybe half and half, "would you be terribly offended if I traded this in for a ____?"  But of course wait until after Christmas to say it.  😛

[gardenmom5]

Miss Manners did an entire column on this subject - with the example of the woman whose butler returned from visiting his ancestral land of Egypt with a lighted Sphinx for his employer's living room.  He would immediately notice if it was missing.  She gave it a place of honor - for fear of offending her butler.  She could always get new friends.

Proximity to 'will they notice?' is a big part of it.  can you hang it in your laundry room?  then you can see their sweet faces while doing wash.  Soon, they will need to have their pictures updated, and will need something new in which to display them.  Either proper photo frames - or a digital cube that holds many photos. (and takes up less space.)

[gardenmom5]

9 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

There have been times that I have received gifts that were things that I didn't think I liked or would ever use, and they have turned out to be items I really liked or enjoyed.  And, there have been times that I received a gift that I really, really wanted to find out that I didn't really like it so much after all. 

and dh won't stop mentioning how glad he is I like ___ whenever he see's me using it. . . . eyeroll . . 
 

[Elizabeth86]

Oh I know it’s hard . I’m a very practical person too and was taught by mom to keep every gift because it was special because she didn’t grow up receiving very many gifts. I am plain plain plain, I only ever wear solid color shirts. I don’t know why anyone would assume I would want a sweatshirt with Winnie the Pooh in it. Also it’s a pullover and I hate thick pillow shirts while breastfeeding. I like the zip up kind better. Anyway it’s in my closet because I feel obligated. I hate that.

[Condessa]

My dh is a wonderful husband, but gift-giving is not his forte.  For a long time he had the mindset that a gift had to be something you unwrapped on the day, not too practical, and a surprise.  For the first ten years or so he kept trying to give me jewelry, though other than my wedding ring I hardly ever wear any jewelry.  Or if I told him about some specific things I wanted there’s a good chance I’d get something roughly along the lines of one of those, but different.  I’m not very into stuff in general.  It wasn’t a big deal.  I appreciated his effort.  I didn’t look forward to gifts, but it was a minor thing compared to the daily work and commitment involved in a loving relationship.
 

 But after 16 years, things changed.  I love that dh has let go of those ideas about gift giving the last few years.  We agreed to give each other cash donations to a trip fund for birthday and Christmases for a couple years, then went on an amazing trip together this last spring.  For my Christmas gift from him this year, I picked out the exact chicks I want from the hatchery to add some interesting genetics to my backyard flock.  They will come next June.  It’s still a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but it’s so fun.

Edited December 26, 2023 by Condessa

[PrairieSong]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

Miss Manners did an entire column on this subject - with the example of the woman whose butler returned from visiting his ancestral land of Egypt with a lighted Sphinx for his employer's living room.  He would immediately notice if it was missing.  She gave it a place of honor - for fear of offending her butler.  She could always get new friends.

Proximity to 'will they notice?' is a big part of it.  can you hang it in your laundry room?  then you can see their sweet faces while doing wash.  Soon, they will need to have their pictures updated, and will need something new in which to display them.  Either proper photo frames - or a digital cube that holds many photos. (and takes up less space.)

I was thinking of hanging it in my sewing room, right over my desk where my sewing machine is. Another option is the hallway where we have some other photos hung.

[PrairieSong]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

and dh won't stop mentioning how glad he is I like ___ whenever he see's me using it. . . . eyeroll . . 
 

My dh would be the exact same way!

[PrairieSong]

1 hour ago, rebcoola said:

We return things.  If its homemade like the sign it will probably go somewhere out of the way.   I get really bothered by obvious fails from close family if my foreign exhcange student can get me a perfect gift after 3 months without being told a husband teen/adult kids can to.

 

I will put the handmade sign somewhere. Today I suggested to dh that maybe I could exchange the pickleball set for something I'd use more, and he said, do not return it! If you do, I'll go to the store the next day and buy it again. Maybe I'll re-gift it to him for his birthday in the spring. 😄 

Another dd gave us a digital photo frame that hooks up to an app. Other family members can send you photos and short videos. However, it does not support 5G wifi, only 2.4, so it won't work for us. Honestly, I think it's one of those things that we'd look at a few times and then forget to turn on. Maybe I'm wrong. I told DD about the wifi problem and she wasn't upset. She just sent me the Amazon gift receipt. 

[Catwoman]

Maybe I'm the outlier here, but I just return stuff I don't like. I also make it very clear to my family that if they don't like anything I give them, they should just return it without a second thought. 

The idea that someone cares enough to buy you a gift is the valuable part. The actual physical item is just a thing. If someone returns something I bought them and uses the money to get something they really want, I'm fine with that.

[PrairieSong]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

Maybe I'm the outlier here, but I just return stuff I don't like. I also make it very clear to my family that if they don't like anything I give them, they should just return it without a second thought. 

The idea that someone cares enough to buy you a gift is the valuable part. The actual physical item is just a thing. If someone returns something I bought them and uses the money to get something they really want, I'm fine with that.

I return things when I can. Often they don't include gift receipts and I hate asking! Obviously I can't return the handmade item. 

I have no problem with others exchanging a gift I gave them. It isn't a rejection of me or my love for them. It's just stuff.

[Catwoman]

Just now, PrairieSong said:

I return things when I can. Often they don't include gift receipts and I hate asking! Obviously I can't return the handmade item. 

I have no problem with others exchanging a gift I gave them. It isn't a rejection of me or my love for them. It's just stuff.

I agree!

I would do the same thing you're doing with the item your dd made for you -- hang it up someplace! I think it's so sweet that she took all that time and trouble to make a gift for you. It's a lot quicker and easier to just go buy something -- and half the time it's cheaper, too, because craft supplies are expensive!

[PrairieSong]

Just now, Catwoman said:

I agree!

I would do the same thing you're doing with the item your dd made for you -- hang it up someplace! I think it's so sweet that she took all that time and trouble to make a gift for you. It's a lot quicker and easier to just go buy something -- and half the time it's cheaper, too, because craft supplies are expensive!

It was very sweet of her! She had her brother cut and stain the piece of wood, and a co-worker with a Cricut machine made the lettering. Dd saw one on Etsy for about $50. I know she spent way less, but she put time and thought into it. I would never, ever tell her it's not the style of something I'd choose. I'm not even going to say that to DH. There's no reason. 

[marbel]

Then there's the flip side of that... when people know of something you want, could easily get it, but don't.

I told two people in my family that I'm out of popcorn and gave explicit information about some popcorn I like, and how to get it. (This was after they asked me for gift ideas; I didn't just randomly announce it.) It's not popcorn from the grocery store, but it's not super expensive or hard to get. I mean, I sent one person the Amazon link for it. 

Anyway, I was happily anticipating getting some popcorn but I did not. I got some things that I wondered... why did you get this instead of the popcorn you knew I wanted?! I do sometimes wonder if people think the requested gift is too small or modest or something, and not really what the requester wanted. I did want popcorn. I kinda thought my family knew me better than that though. 

So today I ordered the popcorn.  Merry Christmas to me, in a couple of days! 

[Miss Tick]

I'm not comfortable returning gifts from other people (unless they were to explicitly mention it), but I don't have a problem putting an item aside and eventually moving it along to a happier home. Whatever they spent on the gift is a sunk cost and an intrinsic part of the gift and I try not to get hung up on that

If it were consistently an expensive problem with DH I would figure out how to address it, but I've been lucky in that regard

[scholastica]

41 minutes ago, PrairieSong said:

I will put the handmade sign somewhere. Today I suggested to dh that maybe I could exchange the pickleball set for something I'd use more, and he said, do not return it! If you do, I'll go to the store the next day and buy it again. Maybe I'll re-gift it to him for his birthday in the spring. 😄 

Another dd gave us a digital photo frame that hooks up to an app. Other family members can send you photos and short videos. However, it does not support 5G wifi, only 2.4, so it won't work for us. Honestly, I think it's one of those things that we'd look at a few times and then forget to turn on. Maybe I'm wrong. I told DD about the wifi problem and she wasn't upset. She just sent me the Amazon gift receipt. 

It sounds to me like he’s really wanting to try pickle ball with you. He’s trying to connect with you and share an experience. A more graceful way would have been to ask you for the set and a promise to try it with him. That would have been a gift. I’d be torn about your situation, because it’s really touching that he’s trying to spend time with you trying something new. The fact that he said he’d buy it again would signal to me that doing this is important to my spouse, however clumsy the delivery. 

[rebcoola]

2 hours ago, PrairieSong said:

Today I suggested to dh that maybe I could exchange the pickleball set for something I'd use more, and he said, do not return it! If you do, I'll go to the store the next day and buy it again. Maybe I'll re-gift it to him for his birthday in the spring. 😄 

 

I Would definitely regift and buy myself something he bought himself a gift basically.

[MeaganS]

2 hours ago, scholastica said:

It sounds to me like he’s really wanting to try pickle ball with you. He’s trying to connect with you and share an experience. A more graceful way would have been to ask you for the set and a promise to try it with him. That would have been a gift. I’d be torn about your situation, because it’s really touching that he’s trying to spend time with you trying something new. The fact that he said he’d buy it again would signal to me that doing this is important to my spouse, however clumsy the delivery. 

Yeah, when I read it, my assumption was that he wants to play pickle ball with you. That its more of a him gift than a you gift.

[lynn]

Dh and I usually just buy what we want but occasionally Ill  mention something in passing that I would like but waiting for a sale and most years he'll gift it to me.  The kids know me well and do pretty good.  My mom lived to far away and a couple visits a year didn't give her a good sense of what I like but made a good effort.

[Bambam]

In my humble opinion, some folks are good gift givers and some folks are not. I've gotten things like an electric nail file and lawn mower from someone in my immediate family. I now shop for myself or send specific links so I get things I want. I'm not trying to be mean, but this person is not a good gift giver, so this bypasses those "what-were-you-thinking" gifts.  I never used the electric nail file (???) but we did use the lawn mower (but that is not a present!!!) But if this person got me something that was not something I wanted at all, I'd basically thank them and ask if it was okay to exchange it for something specific that would be a better fit. But my person would be okay with that.  

[catz]

Like I have mixed feelings about something like the pickleball set.  I would see this as "let's try this together as a couple" request.  And I haven't played pickleball.  But courts are popping up all over and it's getting super popular.  The courts are small, it seems like it's more social then a lot of forms of exercise.  Also, if we lived near courts, just having them in the house might be nice for adult kids visiting, etc. even if it ended up being not my favorite thing.   I could imagine saying "let's walk for 20 minutes, hit the pickleball for 20-30 and walk home" But my spouse always hits the jackpot at least a couple times a year with gifts, so I definitely am not feeling deprived if I end up with one or 2 things that might not be exactly my speed.  One gift I got this year my husband had to jump through all kind of crazy hoops to make happen.  He also does a really great stocking for me.  I sometimes do gifts that will be more family or couple oriented too.  But we always have at least 4-6 things to open.  

But personal items?  I would be all over returning those if they didn't work for me.  

[katilac]

8 hours ago, marbel said:

My husband got me a little tabletop solo stove after I had seen a 2-pack at Costco and asked him if he thought they would be good gifts for our kids. He said no to that but got me one instead. I don't want it. But everyone reacted so enthusiastically on Christmas morning I didn't want to be the Grinch. I'll probably send it home with my daughter at some point. 

It's from Costco; return it! 

[marbel]

9 hours ago, katilac said:

It's from Costco; return it! 

It's not. I saw a two pack at Costco, but he bought a single one from Amazon. 

Anyway, we used it last night. He and my kids were really into trying it. It was ok. It's very tiny but there was some warmth. Once we figure out the right height table or something to raise it, it might be nice. It is easy to use and since it's smokeless my wood allergy kid can enjoy it. So, it became a family gift. 🤷‍♀️