Change is Hard

[Laura Corin]

I'm sorry, @knitgrl that's all too much.

[Jaybee]

15 minutes ago, knitgrl said:

And I feel like I should carry the torch and be her advocate, but I just do not have the bandwidth to save her from herself.

No, I don't think this is your responsibility. Asking questions that might make her think about her choices would likely be as far as I would go. I'm really not hard-hearted, but it sounds like any help you might give would involve your having to push and pull against her resistance. So if that is the case, then I would leave it to her. If she were asking for help and asking questions for what she might need to do, my response would be different, keeping in mind that your main thing right now would still be taking care of your own treatments and recovery.

I'm sorry. That's a lot, especially on top of everything else going on right now.

[scholastica]

I am so sorry. This is a lot. 

[Jaybee]

I know you said your sister works full-time, so this suggestion is just a suggestion. But if you haven't already, you might talk to her and let her know that you just can't cover this stuff right now (if you feel there is that expectation).

[knitgrl]

2 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

I know you said your sister works full-time, so this suggestion is just a suggestion. But if you haven't already, you might talk to her and let her know that you just can't cover this stuff right now (if you feel there is that expectation).

Oh, we had the post-conversation conversation. I told her I was not up to it. She lives four hours away, so she is limited in the ways she can help.

[Jaybee]

1 hour ago, knitgrl said:

Oh, we had the post-conversation conversation. I told her I was not up to it. She lives four hours away, so she is limited in the ways she can help.

I'm sorry. I hope she understands, though.

[saraha]

I am so sorry that someone else is dumping trouble on you while you have SO MUCH on your plate. Can you just smile and nod?

[KSera]

I’m sorry, that is just so much all at once!

do you think it’s possible your mom is progressing toward agoraphobia? If New York is still allowing telehealth for mental health care, perhaps that would be a good way for her to start having some of those needs met without having to immediately face anxiety about leaving the house to do so?

but also, beyond suggesting that, it’s not your job right now to figure that out.

On 12/15/2023 at 11:50 AM, Corraleno said:

I'm so sorry knitgrl. I hope you can persuade your DH that his pride should not take precedence over your own physical and mental health. It seems like insistence on secrecy is making an already extremely stressful and unfair situation even more stressful and unfair to you just to reduce his own sense of embarrassment. Please take care of yourself and don't be afraid to ask for what you need.

I really agree with this. I have to admit it immediately made me think of multiple Christmas movies were this is basically the whole theme-the dad losing his job at Christmas time and trying to keep it a secret from the rest of the family. Inevitably, everything remains chaotic until the charade ends. I hope he will at least let the kids know soon because that seems like a big stress to be keeping it from them.

 

[knitgrl]

I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful. And I am stressed, stressed, stressed.

Last week, the kids had an appointment for dental cleaning. Dd8 was found to have three cavities. I explained our situation to the receptionist, that if at all possible, could she get her in before the end of the year. Yesterday, there was a cancellation, so I took dd to the dentist to get fillings. Very grateful for that very nice lady who got us in on the old insurance.

My mom texted yesterday to say she's a little better, but wants another 3 way call with my sister, for I don't know why. That's happening tonight.

Today, I had plans to visit with someone, and they are out the window. After being referred to a pulminologist in April, they only called me a couple of weeks ago to schedule something in January. Again, I explained our situation, and they were able to get me in this afternoon. So, very grateful for that receptionist. I thought maybe I could change my visit to something earlier today, but dd8 just came in from sledding with burdock at the roots of her long, super curly hair. So, the rest of my morning will be trying to figure out how to get the burdock out of her hair. And then dd13 had a cold starting around Thanksgiving, and is still coughing. So we got an appointment for her immediately after my appointment.

Tomorrow, I get to have another visit with another doctor and get my monthly shot and blood draw from my port. Hopefully, my port will work right away, if not, I will get to sit there for an hour while the medicine works on the clot that clogs this up.

I think I am down to about two threads. I really hope there are no new surprises this week.

[Laura Corin]

I'm so glad you were able to get those appointments @knitgrl

Edited December 19, 2023 by Laura Corin

[Miss Tick]

I'm quietly rooting for you @knitgrl

[Jaybee]

55 minutes ago, Miss Tick said:

I'm quietly rooting for you @knitgrl

Me too!❤️

[knitgrl]

Ugh. The other reason I'm stressed is that at the family cookie party, there was tension between ds10 and his cousin, who is 8. When he is good, he is very, very good, but when he is bad, he can be horrid. He can be a button pusher, and he and the cousin have a negative feedback loop. Sil, mother of said cousin, insists it is all ds's fault. She has announced she gave her daughter authorization to be physically aggressive towards ds. The cousin probably weighs more than ds, and manipulates her mother with crocodile tears all the time. Sil fancies herself as a  nurturing encourager, except when push comes to shove, in which case, pushing and shoving is ok. The hypocrisy of this galls me. My mama bear hackles are up.

[kathyl]

5 hours ago, knitgrl said:

I am grateful. I am grateful. I am grateful. And I am stressed, stressed, stressed.

Last week, the kids had an appointment for dental cleaning. Dd8 was found to have three cavities. I explained our situation to the receptionist, that if at all possible, could she get her in before the end of the year. Yesterday, there was a cancellation, so I took dd to the dentist to get fillings. Very grateful for that very nice lady who got us in on the old insurance.

My mom texted yesterday to say she's a little better, but wants another 3 way call with my sister, for I don't know why. That's happening tonight.

Today, I had plans to visit with someone, and they are out the window. After being referred to a pulminologist in April, they only called me a couple of weeks ago to schedule something in January. Again, I explained our situation, and they were able to get me in this afternoon. So, very grateful for that receptionist. I thought maybe I could change my visit to something earlier today, but dd8 just came in from sledding with burdock at the roots of her long, super curly hair. So, the rest of my morning will be trying to figure out how to get the burdock out of her hair. And then dd13 had a cold starting around Thanksgiving, and is still coughing. So we got an appointment for her immediately after my appointment.

Tomorrow, I get to have another visit with another doctor and get my monthly shot and blood draw from my port. Hopefully, my port will work right away, if not, I will get to sit there for an hour while the medicine works on the clot that clogs this up.

I think I am down to about two threads. I really hope there are no new surprises this week.

A good receptionist, front desk employee, etc., is a real treasure.  Sounds like you've found several.  🙂  I'm glad you got all the appointments in on your old insurance.

[Halftime Hope]

On 12/1/2023 at 6:36 AM, knitgrl said:

Our health insurance renewed on Nov. 1. Over the past year, I've had chemo and radiation, so we met the deductible pretty quickly. I haven't really seen any bills since Jan. or Feb. However, now that we are on a new cycle, we have had to co-pay for my monthly chemo pills. My understanding is that our insurance is billed $14,000/mo for them. We now have to pay $190. The company that manufactures this drug has a discount card that would reduce that price. However, in exchange for that discount, you have to waive ALL of your privacy rights. The notice said that they might receive more of your medical information than what they really need, and they will sell all of it to whomever they choose. Only the super rich can afford privacy.

Wow! That seems unethical. I wonder if your state's attorney would be interested in that practice.

[Clarita]

7 hours ago, knitgrl said:

Ugh. The other reason I'm stressed is that at the family cookie party, there was tension between ds10 and his cousin, who is 8. When he is good, he is very, very good, but when he is bad, he can be horrid. He can be a button pusher, and he and the cousin have a negative feedback loop. Sil, mother of said cousin, insists it is all ds's fault. She has announced she gave her daughter authorization to be physically aggressive towards ds. The cousin probably weighs more than ds, and manipulates her mother with crocodile tears all the time. Sil fancies herself as a  nurturing encourager, except when push comes to shove, in which case, pushing and shoving is ok. The hypocrisy of this galls me. My mama bear hackles are up.

You probably know this, but I've made different rules regarding different "friends" for DS. Where I think it's healthy for children to try to find solutions on their own with their pals, I have found some friends I just need to say at the first sign of frustration come to me immediately. In this case I would tell him at the first inclination disagreement is going to happen just to come to me, or even actively avoid the cousin (depending on how bad things are). 

[katilac]

8 hours ago, knitgrl said:

 She has announced she gave her daughter authorization to be physically aggressive towards ds.  

Oh, hell no!

"Then they won't be able to see each other for a while, as I can hardly approve of that. Maybe we can try again when they're 10 & 12, but for now they can't be around each other." 

[knitgrl]

Dh and I were going to go to my appointment today and then do last minute shopping. But ds10 came in from playing in the snow, and said he didn't feel good. He's thrown up twice now. The good news is he's being a little bossy and enjoying being waited on, so fingers crossed this sickness will be short lived.

Definitely a "this is what's happening now" moment.

Edited December 20, 2023 by knitgrl

[Kassia]

@knitgrlhope ds is better very soon

[saraha]

@knitgrl you are on my daily prayers list. I’m sorry for all the stress. I wish someone could just come along and spoil you for a day and take care of All. The. Things.

[Kassia]

10 minutes ago, saraha said:

@knitgrl you are on my daily prayers list. I’m sorry for all the stress. I wish someone could just come along and spoil you for a day and take care of All. The. Things.

Both of you deserve this!  ❤️  

[Ausmumof3]

That is so much. It’s all the daily things on top of the background stress. 

[knitgrl]

1 hour ago, saraha said:

@knitgrl you are on my daily prayers list. I’m sorry for all the stress. I wish someone could just come along and spoil you for a day and take care of All. The. Things.

You, too @saraha,

[knitgrl]

I am so happy to report ds is back to himself! He had a stomach bug for a week this past Easter, and wasn't able to participate in any of the festivities. It would have been a heavy blow for him to be sick at Christmas. Now crossing the fingers that the rest of us don't get sick. 🤞

[knitgrl]

In other news, the dishwasher has stopped working. Sigh. But, I suppose the way to look at it is we all get to work together getting them done.

[TravelingChris]

Praying for your family.

[Alicia64]

On 12/15/2023 at 7:27 PM, knitgrl said:

He's a software developer. We're in Western NY.

Just a thought, but have him look into a company called Epic. They're headquartered in WI.

[cjzimmer1]

21 hours ago, Alicia64 said:

Just a thought, but have him look into a company called Epic. They're headquartered in WI.

I don't know how they treat their remote workers but I know many people who have worked for them in person and let's just say it is not a company I would recommend working for if you have any hope of a life outside of work.  

[Alicia64]

On 1/1/2024 at 12:06 PM, cjzimmer1 said:

I don't know how they treat their remote workers but I know many people who have worked for them in person and let's just say it is not a company I would recommend working for if you have any hope of a life outside of work.  

After talking with dh, he said the same thing. Dh works in a hospital that is serviced by EPIC.

 

[knitgrl]

Requesting thoughts and prayers. The alternating cycles of hope and discouragement as dh looks for a job and goes through submitting applications and doing interviews are rough. If things don't happen in a certain amount of time, we may have to consider moving. I can deal well with cancer because once treatment is done, things will be more or less normal. Moving from a place which I have patently ridiculous emotional ties to, well, I don't know. I'm pretty sure I can't be stoic about it.

Edited January 18 by knitgrl

[Laura Corin]

19 minutes ago, knitgrl said:

Requesting thoughts and prayers. The alternating cycles of hope and discouragement as dh looks for a job and goes through submitting applications and doing interviews are rough. If things don't happen in a certain amount of time, we may have to consider moving. I can deal well with cancer because once treatment is done, things will be more or less normal. Moving from a place from which I have patently ridiculous emotional ties to, well, I don't know. I'm pretty sure I can't be stoic about it.

I'm sorry. It's very hard. 

We left Asia, quite burnt out and done with that part of the world, in 1992 and moved to California.  Work didn't happen there so in 1994 we moved to London for a job. We enjoyed London but the job disappeared in a downturn and the only opportunity on offer for us two and our newborn in 1997 was ... Hong Kong.

Thinking of you. 

[Soror]

Lots of hugs and prayers for you @knitgrl

[saraha]

3 hours ago, knitgrl said:

Requesting thoughts and prayers. The alternating cycles of hope and discouragement as dh looks for a job and goes through submitting applications and doing interviews are rough. If things don't happen in a certain amount of time, we may have to consider moving. I can deal well with cancer because once treatment is done, things will be more or less normal. Moving from a place which I have patently ridiculous emotional ties to, well, I don't know. I'm pretty sure I can't be stoic about it.

Your emotional ties are NOT ridiculous. And you absolutely do not have to be stoic about it. Been praying for you but figured no news was bad news and didn’t want to ask, so continuing to pray.

Edited January 19 by saraha

[mommyoffive]

Sending all my good thoughts and prayers.  

[historically accurate]

Hugs to you while you navigate this.

[knitgrl]

On 1/18/2024 at 8:03 PM, saraha said:

Your emotional ties are NOT ridiculous. And you absolutely do not have to be stoic about it. Been praying for you but figured no news was bad news and didn’t want to ask, so continuing to pray.

By ridiculous, I mean completely irrational. This area has been economically depressed for years. Moreover, we live in the township that I prefer, and then, in what I consider the best hamlet. And when I say "best," it's not a normal status thing when people are impressed you say you live in X, it's just I really love this place. We used to live in the township next door, and I was a little sad about it because it wasn't my preferred township. Which I recognize is a little bit crazy. It's a little bit crazy I love this place so much, a place where most people could take it or leave it, and really, most people are leaving or have left.

I really appreciate your prayers. The forum will be among the first to know when dh gets an offer. I'm grateful he's gotten more comfortable with letting others know his employment status, most specifically family, so that is a little less stress for me.

[kathyl]

2 hours ago, knitgrl said:

By ridiculous, I mean completely irrational. This area has been economically depressed for years. Moreover, we live in the township that I prefer, and then, in what I consider the best hamlet. And when I say "best," it's not a normal status thing when people are impressed you say you live in X, it's just I really love this place. We used to live in the township next door, and I was a little sad about it because it wasn't my preferred township. Which I recognize is a little bit crazy. It's a little bit crazy I love this place so much, a place where most people could take it or leave it, and really, most people are leaving or have left.

I really appreciate your prayers. The forum will be among the first to know when dh gets an offer. I'm grateful he's gotten more comfortable with letting others know his employment status, most specifically family, so that is a little less stress for me.

I understand about loving a place.  I've always loved Baton Rouge.  It just always felt like home to me.  I know the heat and humidity are stifling.  And the bugs are crazy.  And the refineries smell.  But I loved it anyway.  That is, until we moved to Texas.  😄

I hope you're able to stay where you really love it.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

4 hours ago, knitgrl said:

By ridiculous, I mean completely irrational. This area has been economically depressed for years. Moreover, we live in the township that I prefer, and then, in what I consider the best hamlet. And when I say "best," it's not a normal status thing when people are impressed you say you live in X, it's just I really love this place. We used to live in the township next door, and I was a little sad about it because it wasn't my preferred township. Which I recognize is a little bit crazy. It's a little bit crazy I love this place so much, a place where most people could take it or leave it, and really, most people are leaving or have left.

I really appreciate your prayers. The forum will be among the first to know when dh gets an offer. I'm grateful he's gotten more comfortable with letting others know his employment status, most specifically family, so that is a little less stress for me.

I get it. I feel the same way about the place we just moved from two years ago. Even though it’s just twenty minutes away, and most people don’t stay in the area, I loved it there and am miserable that we left.

The vast majority of jobs seem to come through networking so I am glad he’s telling people that he’s looking. My IT and techie friends tell me it’s a very hard time to be in tech.

[knitgrl]

Update in first post.

[KSera]

2 minutes ago, knitgrl said:

Update in first post.

That is such a fantastic update. I’m so glad for you two and for the stress relief it should bring. I hope it ends up a really good placement for him.

[freesia]

On 11/30/2023 at 6:16 PM, knitgrl said:

So, dh was laid off today. Under more normal circumstances, it wouldn't be too bad. We have savings. We can tighten our belts. But I am doing cancer treatment that costs thousands of dollars a month. And dh is a software developer, and that field does not have the opportunities that it once did. He has always worked remotely, but those jobs are really hard to come by now. We live in a rural area, where our families have lived for generations. I guess if we had to move, it wouldn't be the end of the world, but I really, really don't want to. That is all.

 

UPDATE: Dh accepted an offer on Friday, and right now is busy filling out all the forms for his new workplace. The benefits are better than at his old job, and there is actually a career path for him to advance in that isn't management. He doesn't start for a few weeks, which is nice in that he will be mentally well-rested before starting this new position.

I want to thank all of you for your prayers, thoughts, and support. I generally run on an even keel, so when I wasn't doing that and didn't have the option of crying on someone's shoulder in real life, I am so grateful I could come here and vent. It was a bit of a sanity saver. Thank you.

Wonderful update! 

[Vintage81]

What a great update! So happy for you and your DH ☺️

[Laura Corin]

On 11/30/2023 at 11:16 PM, knitgrl said:

 

UPDATE: Dh accepted an offer on Friday, and right now is busy filling out all the forms for his new workplace. The benefits are better than at his old job, and there is actually a career path for him to advance in that isn't management. He doesn't start for a few weeks, which is nice in that he will be mentally well-rested before starting this new position.

I want to thank all of you for your prayers, thoughts, and support. I generally run on an even keel, so when I wasn't doing that and didn't have the option of crying on someone's shoulder in real life, I am so grateful I could come here and vent. It was a bit of a sanity saver. Thank you.

I'm so happy for you!

[Jaybee]

That's wonderful! So glad to hear it.

[mommyoffive]

@knitgrl YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay, I am so excited to read your update.  I am so relieved that you both can just take a breath now.  So wonderful that he has a bit of time before he starts too.  I hope you all just get to spend some quality family time together then. 

And how wonderful that this new job is better than the old one.  I LOVE when that happens.  I never want to say it to people while it is happening because I know how hard it is to hear that this might be a good thing.  That hopefully a better door is now being opened up for you (or your spouse).  But I am just so thankful it is better for your family.  YAY.   And thanks for updating, because now that just made my day great and I will have a smile on my face the rest of the day!!  So happy for you all!!

[mominco]

So happy for you!

[Kassia]

What a great update!  Just thrilled for you and DH!  ❤️  

[saraha]

Hurray!!!! 🎉🎊🎉

[kathyl]

On 11/30/2023 at 5:16 PM, knitgrl said:

.....

UPDATE: Dh accepted an offer on Friday, and right now is busy filling out all the forms for his new workplace. The benefits are better than at his old job, and there is actually a career path for him to advance in that isn't management. He doesn't start for a few weeks, which is nice in that he will be mentally well-rested before starting this new position.

I want to thank all of you for your prayers, thoughts, and support. I generally run on an even keel, so when I wasn't doing that and didn't have the option of crying on someone's shoulder in real life, I am so grateful I could come here and vent. It was a bit of a sanity saver. Thank you.

 

That's fantastic!!  🙂 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I am so happy!!! And you get to stay in the area, right?